Book Jacket

 

rank 864 (-46)
word count 25800
date submitted 18.09.2008
date updated 15.07.2009
genres: Literary Fiction, Popular Culture, ...
classification: adult
incomplete

Tartare

M Trevelean

 

Edinburgh, March 2006. The smoking ban begins across Scotland. Many smokers would kill to give up cigarettes. Edgar Ferrol will.

 

Edgar Ferrol has stopped smoking. He blames the countrywide ban that came into effect last week and his Uncle Derek, who inconveniently died of lung cancer. He can't sleep, has a horrible cough and thinks he might be coming down with something. It is not going well.

Edgar is a 31 year old data administrator living in Edinburgh. He is single and lives in a small flat on his own, has family in England that he hardly speaks to and a bunch of work colleagues he calls friends.

After weeks of misery, having tried every conventional way to beat his cravings, Edgar stumbles upon an unlikely cure whilst drunk in a local restaurant. Raw animal flesh. Things start to improve but as the animal meat becomes less effective and his life takes a turn for the worse, Edgar decides on a new course of action, one that will drive him to murder, cannibalism and self destruction.


'Tartare' is a black comedy about the nature of addiction, personal choice and a stolen cow called Frank.

 
 

tags

alternative, comedy, dark

on 55 bookshelves

on 50 watchlists

199 comments

 

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T Kirby-Jones wrote 375 days ago

This is a *wonderful* idea. Takes me right back to summer ’07 and the last night of smoking in pubs.

This is the book that you pick up in a bookshop and browse the back of. Then you browse the first page. You quirk a lip in reluctant amusement. (You are not easily amused.) You turn the page. And then an hour later you realise that you have stood up your friend, pissed off your partner or are so late back from lunch that there is no longer any point in returning at all. I am enjoying this immensely.

katekasserman wrote 436 days ago

Hi Richie! I've wondered what it would have looked like if Mr. Poe had had a sense of humor. HAHAHA, but no surprises that getting my question answered prevented me from eating lunch!!!

Well. So Edgar doesn't really want to quit smoking, his one act of rebellion in an unsatisfactory life and his one tangible, current connection to his beloved uncle who was satisfied making fewer concessions to society's demands (and of course those fewer concessions meant he wasn't as successful, and his smoking killed him). But society lowers the boom on smoking, turning it into the act of a pariah, and Edgar, lacking the strength to shrug this off the way Ruth does, or Donna, decides to roll with the punches. Except he really can't.

It's not like he has much sympathy for other pariahs. He thinks Ruth's friends with the piercings are flaming idiots, and I'm going to hell for the way you made me laugh at Edgar vaulting over the fat man stuck in the bus. So when he hit on this raw meat thing, I wondered only briefly whether it was simply the shock value of it to Edgar personally that was distracting him from his cravings or whether it was, in fact, that it was incredibly disgusting that had the value to him. HAHAHA, and then after the lamb kidney episode, it was all VERY out in the open!

It's a pity that Edgar didn't try going off the raw meat thing while Donna was there. That was his last, best, and I think only chance to make peace with being socially acceptable. Whether it would have worked, I don't know -- but since he kept the nasty meat going, he and we never found out, and it's all only getting grottier -- and funnier, even though Edgar is clearly doomed, doomed, doomed at this point. I'm glad Frank, as briefly as he appears, got a brief mention in the synopsis -- in a book full of funny moments, FRANK was my favorite! Ah yes, and now Edgar is a Mighty Cat Hunter (my second favorite scene -- even though I felt awfully sorry for that cat) and has at last degenerated into a customer of the Pet Store Delicatessen. Where it can go from here I really can't even imagine. Well, you mention cannibalism in the synopsis. Yes, that actually is even grosser!

The writing, the introspective, obsessive mood, the observations -- everything felt tone-perfect to me. I've got no real criticisms to offer. There were some typos (mostly errant apostrophes and a few homonyms like compliment/complement) but nothing frequent or major, and there was a very small potential consistency issue about whether Edgar started smoking at age 17 or 19 (after his uncle's funeral). (It could just be that he had his first CIGARETTE at 17 but only returned to tobacco and took up the habit at 19.)

This is weird, compulsively readable, and just excellent stuff. Thanks very much for posting it, and please drop me a line if you put up any more -- and very best of luck!!!

JAK wrote 455 days ago

Hi Ed,
I have never smoked; I don't much like first person narration; if there isn't a toilet joke, murder or car chase in the first chapter I tend to lose concentration- basically i'm your reader from hell but . . . I love this ms.

I've been trying to work out just what's so good about Tartare . You are an extraordinarily observant writer , down to the detailed taxonomies of phlegm and the types of tissues to the social etiquette of bus seats. The descriptions are unerring, elegant and original. All this is excellent but I think you have a more important and much rarer gift - that of knowing what to leave out. i don't know how you've done it but in this tight, tight scrutiny of minutiea there's barely one redundant phrase and i've yet to find a duff one (I've just finished chapter 11)

My two favourites are the list of banned places in chapter 2 and, entirely different stuff- the beautiful paragraph about the funeral with that repeated my father, my father. That worked so well.

Only two quillets: please ignore them.
Early on you tell us Ed was 17 when he started smoking and in chapter 7 this changes to 19.
'It's that bloody tequila . . .' I think there's some punctuation missing.

This is such good writing- booklisting.

bluestocking wrote 497 days ago

The most elegant stylist on authonomy I've seen. I'll be back for more; if the story delivers what the style promises, this should find a wide audience. It reminds me of one of Peter Carey's early books, 'Bliss', and that is very high praise, coming from me.

Thanks so much. btw I am a smoker too (5/day!!! content w/that but can't seem to quit; am in nicotine limbo,) and so I am enjoying these amiable rantings in a very personal way. A bicycle is enclosed space! Snort. This really has absolutely first-rate humor.

When we were in London recently I was absolutely agog at the ruin of what had been a leisurely smoker's paradise. We had to walk about ten miles through Heathrow and then literally have our passports stamped, all in order to have an innocent cig.

"Purpose of visit?"

"Smoking."

smelville wrote 461 days ago

All I can really say is that I was reading this and was wondering what I was going to comment about, and then I realized I was addressing Edgar, not you, the author. I still feel like this is some phenomenally good non-fiction, some sort of 'brain to paper' prose.
This is so great I'm taking my own book off of my bookshelf and replacing it with this!
-s.

Jesse Hargreave wrote 2 days ago

Backed.

Jesse - Savant

http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=14062

smelville wrote 146 days ago

I know I don't frequent this site much anymore, but I just wanted to let you know that I still find myself thinking about this book. I'm completely -- confounded as to why this isn't number one. I mean, everyone here can read, right? So why aren't they reading this?
It's just perfect. I want to become and editor and I want to become one right now so I can get you a book deal for this. I just want to own it and hold it in my hands and sing songs to it and have its babies.
People are ridiculous! Revolution! I want a Tartare Revolution!

Paolito wrote 225 days ago

You've got a huge market for this book, I'm sure...all the smokers and the ex-smokers. Millions!

You're really funny. And the book is funny, too. The fat man on the bus, for example. The list of places where he can and cannot smoke. I was laughing out loud almost constantly.

And who else would have thought that eating human flesh would be a good quit-smoking aid? Weird, but compelling.

Shelved, of course.

Cheers,
Sheryl (In All The Wrong Places)

Paolito wrote 225 days ago

Boy, do I identify with your first chapter...on to the next...

happypetronella wrote 239 days ago

Love the humour in this and the voice of the MC... the way his character comes out through it. This was a very enjoyable read. Shelved.

christon wrote 252 days ago
Mary W Walters wrote 264 days ago

It's been almost ten years since I quit smoking, but I haven't forgotten a second of what it was like (which is a great reason never to start again!). You have described the experience perfectly.

Shelving.

Mary

Amy Rockwod wrote 270 days ago

Please write more!!! I've been waiting for months to see what happens...I love this book!!!

nikkidudley wrote 277 days ago

Dear M.,

I saw a friend of mine was reading this and picked it up. I really like the wit and dryness in your writing. The little bits of description are also brillaint.

The only thing I would say is that a bit of dialogue might be good but perhaps there is some a bit later on? I've only read 3-4 chapters so will be back soon.

I'm going to shelve this for now as I think it's an original voice.

All the best, Nikki (author of Ellipsis)

Jeff Blackmer wrote 277 days ago

This is great. I don't know why it took so long for me to get to it. We have a similar ban in Portland Oregon. For someone who doesn't smoke (like me) its wonderful, but you manage to bring the hell of it all home for everyone to understand. A droll narration that feels so right and covers all the bases. I've had loved ones die of emphasyma but you really bring the torture of quitting home with great clarity. It helps me understand it all a lot better.
Well done, on my shelf.
Jeff

Suzanne Adams wrote 278 days ago

Should be a compulsory read for all those 'born again non-smokers'. This is so-o brilliant.

TheatreGirl wrote 282 days ago

I was addicted from the first paragraph. SO true, so succinct. You manage to capture the experience of anticipating withdrawal, to the brave and noble decision, to the HELL, perfectly well. I confess. I have quit smoking several times, got through the worst of it, only to pick up again. As of today I still smoke, and will certainly have a cig when I finish writing this. But that's not important. What you have done here is soooo creative, so well-written, so insightful into human nature, that I'm cheering on the inside as I cringe through each too-familiar passage. I especially love the rebellion issue - I don't know if "non-addicts" really relate to that need for a symbol of rebellion. Loved it. Anyway, I think everybody will relate to the issue of obssession, even those not addicted to substances...everybody has an obsession, right? You are spot-on, honest as a psych, but there's nothing clinical in your narrative. The scene with the fat guy on the bus was hilarious - loved it.
Bravo - a fab read. This would sell like crazy in NYC, where Mayor Bloomberg is on an all-out war on smoking and it's no longer politically correct to smoke. :)
I haven't gotten to the hot part - raw meat and cannibalism, but I WILL, I just want to get this comment on your opening in first.
On my shelf,
Lizzi (Dionysus)

heatherjacobs wrote 282 days ago

Hey Richie, I can't believe it took me so long to read this. All this time there's been this gem of a book sitting there, begging to be read, and I've been distracted by the latest bright shiny thing. Anyway, that's all fixed now. I'm not a smoker, but my husband is and he turns into such a grumpy sh*t two minutes after deciding to give up that I light the cigarette for him myself. so we can all get some sleep. You're right, though, I do have a choice about passive smoking, there's always a divorce. Poor Edgar, I wish him well with his struggle to give up the evil cigarettes. Shelved in support of some very fine, and funny, writing.
Cheers, Heather, Friends & Pho

Joanna Stephen-Ward wrote 283 days ago

Excellent cover which tells the reader what the book is about. The pitch is excellent. The cravings are well written and although I've never had them for cigarettes I've had them for chocolate. Your pitch lets the reader know this is going be sinister, and the writing at the beginning is innocent, but we know there is darkness to come.

A very topical subject which you are clever to have chosen as your theme.

On my watch list till I get room on my shelf.

Joanna

Pierre Van Rooyen wrote 283 days ago



Dear Richie,


You were recommended on Forum and I watch-listed you immediately.

I checked your pitch and synopsis carefully to see they are the summaries the editor requires. Yes, better than my own in fact. Intrigued by Frank the stolen cow. Sounds like we have a mischievous author.

I have read five chapters and have placed Tartare on my bookshelf.

However, I became concerned when live characters with real dialogue only appeared in chapter five. No one else is cautioning you about narrative story-telling. Are they being overly polite?

Last year, a San Francisco literary agency asked for my complete manuscript. It started off with the sight of page one only; then the first thirty pages; then the whole ms with a twenty one day exclusive.

As it was my third draft they were looking at, I was pretty confident.

However, they returned the manuscript with a brief. Too much narrative story-telling. We want to hear the children speaking. We want t see them in action. We do not want to be told about it second-hand by a narrator. I was writing first person too, by the way.

What I did was scrutinize every paragraph told by the narrator to see whether I could convert it to dialogue and direct action.

And I did. Lots of character-driven story telling now. A much better novel.

Please think about it. It’s also a lot of fun bringing everything to life.

But nevertheless on my bookshelf because your writing is good and entertaining.



Go well with your work.


Kind regards,



Pierre.

The Little Girl in the Fig Tree

PATRICK BARRETT wrote 285 days ago

Really enjoyed this, the desciptive phrases are excellent. On my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Janet Marie wrote 285 days ago

Hi M.

Although I haven't smoked, my close family were chain smokers. I appreciated the dry humor in your frustration with not smoking. The methodical steps of waking up, watching television, needing medicine. Even your protagonist's stubbing out the cigarette and announcing his life was changed made me laugh. I've seen that technique and know it doesn't work that way. My husband also claimed society took the pleasure out of smoking. But when he stopped, he teasingly referred to his smoking crowd as a bunch of degenerates. There's certainly something to be said for the business - water cooler- shop talk benefit smoker shaire. Great ending to the third chapter ends with a hoot!

On my shelf. Good luck

Janet Marie- Spirit Prisoners.

RachelMay wrote 285 days ago

This is witty and clever and sharp. The narrator is biting with clever mental thinking. I love Edgar and the tone. You are an expert at creating mood and scene and then driving it home with analogies and symbolism that really knocked my socks off. I found the idea of society pressures relevant and real. And I loved Frank, Ruth and Donna. I think they make lovely foils for Edgar.

I am shelving this.

Well done.

Rachel May
Going Twice

Ruthy wrote 286 days ago

Fantastic!
I found this crusing the manuscript thread. So glad I did.
Ruth

Paul Samuel wrote 300 days ago

M,

if you are not too busy perhaps you wold like to swap reads.

Mine is Standalone Farm

Paul Samuel.

zed474 wrote 300 days ago

Small note: chapter 2, you mention that he spent his last vacation with a 20 pack and a bottle of vodka. This gives me the impression that he drinks a lot, if he's not at all reluctant to drink the cheap stuff and goes through a bottle on a holiday. But then at the end of the chapter you mention that he doesn't drink excessively. These two descriptions seem to be at odds, at least to me.

Just my two cents. Best of luck.

Biffo's Dog wrote 318 days ago

Chapter 15 and I have to stop. I stopped smoking this week and now I've started again. Rotten timing - unlike your writing which is very sharp. The comic lines are sprinkled throughout and these pull the reader on. Ed is a fine creation although his pain, at the moment, is too real for me. I needed him to become a cannibal quicker to take my mind off cigarettes! And that is my only negative, I want the story proper to begin now, or maybe at chapter eight. I'm an unashamed plot man, a bit like the Marlboro man but for the time being at least I have a future and I want to share it with Ed as he switches addiction - now. You're on my shelf but I want the wedged fat man on the bus out of my head. A fine foil with Ruth and her University friends are a brutalised miserable pair of metallised treats (I wonder if Ed eats them?) Nice work. I enjoyed it. Biff.

JasonDiggy wrote 342 days ago

Hi! I liked the beginning of your novel. You write well and it’s definitely amusing and timely what with what seems to be the world-wide ban on smoking. The only issue I have with your work is it seems more a treatise than a story--well done, mind you, but not my usual read.

Thanks for allowing me to read your work. Good luck with your writing! Hope you have the chance to look at The Last Coming Out Story.

Michael

Hannah Dunham wrote 347 days ago

What a wonderfully unique concept! I love what I've read so far, and am putting you on my shelf!

Hannah x

wreckweare wrote 347 days ago

Fantastic Rich, I'm sorry it's taken so long to get round to it. However funny 'one' is in real life, it's horrific trying to get it onto paper without having your readers 'be there', but you've polished off some tearjerkers.

This is all so very exciting!

Eggowen wrote 352 days ago

"Giganticism? Rest your enormous head on the pavement." Beauty.

"They don't trust us with guns or heroin to make a reasoned choice..."

Brilliant work, MT.

Eggowen wrote 354 days ago

Brilliant stuff, mate. Peppered with some very funny descriptions, and an excellent turn of phrase that had me laughing out loud - which is very unusual, I'll tell you.

I have you shelved. Best of luck with this. It deserves one big airing to the outside world. And thanks for making me smile. I'll be back.

Cheers,
Martyn :-)

*lights ciggie after typing exertion*

Ted Smith wrote 355 days ago

Highly comedic, a subject very close to my heart and engaging from the off. Right up my street and shelved before everthings hidden under the counter,
Ted

Gigi wrote 355 days ago

Aha - I've just realised you're Richie C...um. OK...

Gigi wrote 355 days ago

Hello M (don't know what your name is!)

Well, I was a tad reluctant to read this, being a yo-yo smoker myself...so that's why it's taken me so long to get around to you. So glad I did...

I've been laughing out loud all afternoon. "Extreme ironing"..."wide-reared woman who has the turning circle of a barge"...so many funny lines :-) And pathos, too, in Uncle Derek...and a disgusting description of bodily fluids in chapter 4 - yuk...

Sometimes, your punctuation needs seeing to - apostrophes and speech tags in particular - and in one instance you've written 11 instead of 'eleven' (ch 11) AND perhaps more importantly, "Marlborough" should be "Marlboro" (in ch 11 also) but honestly - this was a great laugh!

I have to shelve this - I'd definitely buy it if I could. And I think I'll give up smoking soon (again).

Thanks.

apelle wrote 358 days ago

Wow ! You hooked me with the pitch !
It takes artistry to approach such a subject and keep the quality of the work above cheap pedestrian entertainment and i think you got it ! I would never pick up this kind of genre in a book store but you managed to keep me entertained and smiling ....

T Kirby-Jones wrote 375 days ago

This is a *wonderful* idea. Takes me right back to summer ’07 and the last night of smoking in pubs.

This is the book that you pick up in a bookshop and browse the back of. Then you browse the first page. You quirk a lip in reluctant amusement. (You are not easily amused.) You turn the page. And then an hour later you realise that you have stood up your friend, pissed off your partner or are so late back from lunch that there is no longer any point in returning at all. I am enjoying this immensely.

AlexandraD wrote 384 days ago

This is torture for me as I gave up cigarettes 5 days ago and this is making me want one desperately! I like your writing style very much, it comes across that your either a natural stylist or someone who has worked very hard to achieve this. Maybe a bit of both?

Well done. I look forward to reading the rest and hope I don't end up back on the cigarettes, as I'm a vegetarian and can't use Edgar's solution to the cravings!

S Richard Betterton wrote 391 days ago

Rich,
took me way too long to get here. Sorry about that. Now I never been a smoker (my pleasures were less legal) but you paint a picture of such craving that I can't help but identify with your man. Reminds me a bit of Renton holed up with his chicken (or was it mushroom?) soup.
Favourite lines: orange snot, temperature..surface of the sun, quit now and get sick, quit later and get sick later.
It's real and funny and deserves a shelf.
So why the long-term red arrow? I reckon many people who don't smoke also don't want to read about it, even if it's about kicking the habit. The blurb tells us that it's more than that, but we don't get to see any of it early on. I'm sure the 'send us 3 chapters' agents would say the same. I'm very loathe to suggest you get more into those early chapters, as nothing much used to happen in mine until chapter 6, but I've been beaten into changing it around and getting the first 'call to arms' into chap 3, despite my internal protestations. And people seem to like it more, and people are those who will buy mine and yours if we ever get published.
Cheers,
Simon

katekasserman wrote 408 days ago

Hi Richie! I'm back for my fix!

Heh heh...okay, so far I'm feeling pretty vindicated about thinking that Edgar's only path was down, downer, downest. Although I had a moment of hope in chapter 41. I did. I thought that just maybe, the cigarettes might save him, or at least give him a transitory peace. But then he tossed it across the room. HAHAHA, and I *knew* something was going to ignite...which of course, naturally, it did.

I have finally put my finger on something. I wondered why the story -- whose tone is pretty relentless -- never gets even slightly boring, or even predictable. Sure, the writing is insanely funny, but that wouldn't necessarily be enough at 42K words in! It's Edgar's endless creativity in coming up with absolutely disastrous, yet superficially logical (within the crazy-world of his rather -- constrained -- frame of reference) plans. Even though EVERYTHING is inside his head (just like the cat-voice -- HA!), he keeps engaging with the world...and in the oddest ways. My mother and stepfather have a farm in Scotland. They keep cattle. Just keep Edgar away from theirs, please!!! Every cow involves a lot of paperwork, and it's a real bureaucratic nightmare for one to go missing ;-) ...

Sarah, The Webbiegrrl Writer wrote 411 days ago

Hi "M" - not sure why everyone is calling you Richie and Edgar when your username is M Trevelean but okay...so I got directed to your book by Dan "Sandrine" Holloway and seconded by RobbG of Carry Me Away fame. I've watchlisted you and will read this over the next week or so.

I do believe the first thing that sold me was the premise of kicking the nicotine habit. I started smoking when I was 9. I'm forty-freakin-eight. Okay, okay, I quit through the single-most torturous ordeal of my life back in 1993 and through nearly as painful a week of effort I started again in 2000. I quit yet again in 2007. I hope I never start again but I am sure I'll enjoy the idea of poking fun at this ridiculous drug addiction that held me prisoner of a "filthy, disgusting habit I would DIE for" over the course of my life. In fact, I said those words "God, I'm dying for a cigarette" when I was still regaining consciousness after surgery. The Recovery room nurse snidely told me I sure would be! Just to spite her, I had my first smoke before I could even stand on my feet (yeah, in the hospital, I was that addicted; it was baaaaaad)

Then the clincher. Frank. I named my now-deceased Toshiba laptop "Frank the Fucker" because he just rolled over and died when I needed him the most. Just like a man ;-) kidding..but not really....not in Frank's case. Can't wait to read about your Frank. BTW, you should say "...cow named Frank" not "called Frank." I guess that's one of those style things actually. American here. Sorry, ignore my English remarks since I'm not speaking English at all, but Bostonian dialect of American.

I'll be back next week with critiques but really look forward to this read for the holidays! Just wanted to say thanks for even thinking of writing this story, plus sharing it here with us. Smokers and ex-smokers everywhere will love this!!

sestius wrote 414 days ago

Richie - I thought it about time I came and checked out the second funniest book on Authonomy (know thine enemy and all that). Glad I stopped by. Embarrassingly, I am a big fan of the Kevin Costner movie, 'Tin Cup'. It's about golf. When I first heard this, I thought the film would be toilet. A whole film about golf. But he manages to pull it off. Really well. If I'm honest (and we all want that, no?) I thought the same about Tartare. No, not that it's about golf. But smoking: how can someone write a book about giving up smoking and make it funny? You appear to have achieved it. Some great one-liners (my faves: "you look tired, mate. So do you."; "inhaleable grammar"; "orange snot"), and great, insightful commentary on everyday human life. Two minor quibbles: I think you're missing a 'lot' in "time seems a [lot] slower". And your use of 'moribund' didn't seem quite apposite to me. Perhaps I am missing something. Its primary meaning (on the point of death; dying) didn't seem to fit. But, as I say, perhaps I have overlooked something. For your innovative style and content I have given you a moment on my shelf. Best of luck with it - sestius

bluestocking wrote 421 days ago

Help! Help!!!

Help Ed! Help ME!!

Help!!!!!!

I can't believe you left me (and Ed!) hanging like that, Trevelean, you SADIST.

Karen Carr wrote 422 days ago

AAAAhhh, what a creepy synopsis. I was reading along thinking this was a moral tale about smoking (and I remember when they banned smoking in LA) but what a crazy twist!

Ok, now I have read through chapter three and I love it! Skipped ahead to chapter 18, eeew, the raw meat diet! Gotto go make lunch now, thanks for the great read and the cooking tips!

Mr. Purse wrote 423 days ago

I love dark humor but this takes it to a whole new level. Way to go. You are an incredibly detailed writer without being overly wordy. You can set the images so crisp with just the perfect word. I have been accused of being overly wordy at times, so your writing is a great inspiration to me. Thanks for the wonderful read. Mr. Purse

AlanBaxter wrote 425 days ago

I like the sound of this. The darkness of the subject matter appeals to me so I've watchlisted it for a read later.

:)

GeekMaiella wrote 425 days ago

Richie-

At this point, I'm sold. Not just enough to shelve you, but to own the book. And yeah, to pay for it, too. Your style is consistent, fun, involving, and lively. I'm there, I'm seeing, it, feeling it. I wondered if my accute relation to the frank descriptions of withdrawal and recuperation was the means by which the story worked. In other words, would it work and be interesting to those who can't relate, have never smoked? Yes, I think, because of the writer's strength. I'm shelving, and will come back to read the rest once I've whittled down my watchlist.
Cheers.
-Allen

GeekMaiella wrote 425 days ago

Chapter 7
No comments for 5 & 6 except, I loved them.

Below are this readers thoughts which can be taken or left.

-"Oh, For Fuck's sake, Come on!" (laughing with familiarity) Totally. :)
-Flotsam is a special word. I saw it when you described your viscous expectorations, and, though appropriate, I think it's too soon to bring it back to describe the Fat dude's music.
-"Someone's mobile goes off behind me." And? I think you could cut this sentence, because I enjoy the thought of this trashy audio collage with the same oomph, oomph, oomph, oomph beat throughout the bus. Unless the Mobile ring tone punctuates it with it's own rhythm, or ties it all together, I don't think it's needed.
-"The part where you're child hood innocence..."
-The fat, pole axed bastard-- is the exit narrower than the entrance? I love the scene, but I can't quite picture how he was able to climb up, yet is now so wedged he'll have to be cut free. I'd be ok with it if he got stuck and sprained his ass or something so he couldn't move and an ambulence team would have to collect him (and the bus would still have to wait).
-Love that he vaulted over the guy. No tolerance, and no sympathy. :)

GeekMaiella wrote 425 days ago

Chapter 4

-Again, you transported me to the ex-smoker aftermath, and I'm tempted to relate the wonders I produced (Holy crap, is that cartilage?!).
-In chapter 3, I suggested using a synonym for fag. Here I don't. And I don't know why. It works in this context.
Short chapter, so on to the next...

CarolinaAl wrote 425 days ago

Hi Ricie,

I read your first three chapters.

What an entertaining, absorbing ride inside Edgar's head. Just terrific!

Your incredibly deep point of view shows Edgar to be a complex and sympathetic character who I would like to spend 400 pages with.

Your pacing is perfect for this story.

Your prose is artful.

Your description seems sparce, but suits the story.

Your inner monologue seems authentic and drives the story foreward.

Some suggested edits.

God I'm bored. Off set 'God' with a comma.

'Try dancing on that, Lionel Ritchie,' I chuckle quietly... You can't chuckle dialogue. End the dialogue with a period.

Time seems a slower than it used to. Is a word or two missing from this sentence?

'... and how it helped me find God'. Punctuation goes inside the quotes. Same thing with This is 'the list'.There are more instances of this problem.

You look tired mate. 'Mate' should be off set with a comma.

These are minor edits and didn't interfer with my enjoyment of this story.

Good luck with this book which I have backed.

Al

PS: Might I ask you to read and review SAVANNAH PASSION?

GeekMaiella wrote 425 days ago

Chapter 3

-I've seen plenty of warnings about lists, but no, does not apply here. Your inclusion of every venue disallowed is excellent, made stronger by every inclusion. I hope no one tries to dissuade you on its length. I especially like the list you cynically add (though 'lungs' seemed out of place to me).
-"It is a brutal truth that..." This could be the opening line for a chapter. Punchy. Maybe end Chapter 3 early and make this chapter 4's opener. Edgar's frustration level takes a sharp up tick here as well, and I imagine a spontanoeus channeling of Lewis Black...
-Whoa! Governments selling them as population control? Crikey, Edgar's misinformed! With modern medicine, it can take a long time for someone with smoking related illness to die, but in the meantime, the costs to National healthcare from long term care of smokers is staggering! It supports his self-centered rant, but it makes me want to argue with him rather than sympathise... Hmm, now that I think on that, yeah, it's a good thing!
-"...fags, coffee, masturbation, or Oprah." Pure opinion, here. Most people in the world know Brits call cigs 'fags'. Expect many American readers, however, to get hung up on the word. Great line, though, and point is well taken.
-Great ending to the chapter. I'm probably going to shelve this, but at least one more chapter to be sure...

GeekMaiella wrote 425 days ago

Richie-

Just settled in for a read of the much disussed and recommended Tartare. Notes and thoughts as follows:

Chapters 1 & 2
"...electronic frontal lobotomy." How true.
-"Time seems a slower than it used to." A bit slower?
-"...keep my scalp in place..." VERY nit-picky of me to say this, but scalp includes the skin as well, which I hope wouldn't move with time... :)
-Jesus, you *nailed* the description of that pack o' smokes. I haven't smoked in fourteen years, but I remember EVERYTHING you described, and it all came rushing back. That raisiny smell of fresh, slightly moist tobacco, the security of a full pack and the banishment of craving for at least a while, the sawdust in American cigs, and the clean purity of Dunhills, the blue smoke from Camels, etc. Wow. You took me there.
-"Cigarettes have become the partner that I don't have the guts to ask out." Consider me a dope, 'cause I don't get it.

These chapters raced by. Not because they are full of Hollywood action, but because the style and form spoke clearly, pulling me without a hitch to the end. I didn't get the cigarettes/partner thing, but that is a puny gripe. Enjoying it so far.

On to Chapter 3...

Connie Dee wrote 425 days ago

Hi, Richie! My father smoked. He loved it. I hated it. We all did! Hated the way it made my hair and clothes smell, especially on Sunday mornings before going to church. Thought people who sat by me in the pews would think I smoked or something.

Doctors made him stop after about 30 years, telling him that he would die if he didn't stop smoking and drinking. Heart problems. He stopped drinking immediately. Took him much longer to stop smoking. Needed a bleeding ulcer and the coughing up of rich, red, pure blood!

He hated everyone and everything for a long time after he stopped. Seemed angry at the world and especially the people of the world, mostly his wife and kids. We pretty much hated him for as long time. It was a living hell for us all. Thought he was a real pain in the ass and jerk! Never knew until I began reading your book what a hell it was for him. Thanks! I THINK I'LL GO CALL HIM!

I've only had time to read 9 chapters so far but it is so realistic. Societal norms seemed to have forced a self intervention and you were pissed at society for making you decide to stop, angry that you were saving your own life! Yes. That's pretty much how it is, i guess.

Think this book will be a great tool for understanding the addiction. Kids are smoking again by the thousands! Maybe they'll read this and stop! Or maybe at least they'll want to.

Thomas C. Archer wrote 426 days ago

I am loving this so far.

frogwrite wrote 427 days ago

Enjoyed it, good writing, but felt you could have cut to the quick earlier, he didn't get to work until chapter 8. Up to there it was all one character - adding his office colleagues made it more interesting -
Paragraphs could be shorter.
Will read more later.
Hope you will reciprocate.
Gerry - The Charity