Lesley

I was drawn to this after reading the pitch :) Clergy abuse has destroyed the lives of people I know so to me it is a very important topic, the subject needs a brave author so I commend you! This is an engaging and satirical read, a great story with a strong plot and a nice, easy style. You tackle a lot of genres in one go here, but it works - the pace is spot on and I can keep up. It's good that you don't alienate the reader with too many layers! Really great work, giving this a spin on my shelf!

Melanie.

Lesley:

I had this on my WL and for some reason or another, kept selecting other books before it. At first, I thought it would lean towards controversial since you tackle two difficult subjects that are not usually placed in the mainstream. I was torn between feeling bad for Terry and cheering for her. Your tale resounds with a hint of possibility and although outside of my usual genre of "feel good / happy ending" stories, I found myself wanting to read more.

Kudos for tackling such a difficult subject and making it work.

Best of luck,

Candace Bowen Early (A Knight of Silence)

SCARY, SAD, well done.backed......Greg Ryan-UNDERCOVER MESSIAH

The pitch is insane!. In a good way. it got me here and got me into this. For a moment i was lost in the church and the make up but then I got it, the ex-wife incognito. You do a wonderful job with her voice. I could hear the misery that she had been through and you really set the hooks the whole way along, when she found out...fpound out what... when she ran away. Moving on to find out what Terry had suffered through, not only at the hands of ED but also her stepfather, you really do set the stepping stones for caring about Terry. She is a character I felt compassion for and that is a trait of a great writer. well done.
this is a sensitive subject but what I loved was that you sort of left God out of it. It isn't really a story about faith or religion...you don't tear apart those things but you focus on ED. And leave the reader disliking him not faith itself.
Some great work and an important subject.
Backed.
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

I am very impressed by this book. It is so easy, when writing about someone who is a pastor, or something similar, and who has behaved really badly, like Ed, to attack not only him but faith itself. You have managed to refrain from doing this. I think you have handled a very difficult subject with great sensitivity and skill, and I love your main characters, firstly Terry and William, then later Tamesha. In the early chapters you tell us only a little about Terry's traumatic past, both with Ed, and, you hint, with her step father. This is always an excellent way of arousing the readers' interest and making them keep turning the pages. It certainly worked for me. When you reveal more, later on, it is entirely believable and we feel Terry's hurt deeply. I also enjoyed your style. Your writing is often colourful. I could quote lots of striking descriptions, but for instance, you describe the place covered in 'white dust, like chalk on a teacher's hands at the end of the day.' How clear and visual, and how it brings us into the life of the teacher (Terry) describing it! I think this is an important book, which will be of help to many people, and I hope it does really well. Backed.
Gerry McCullough
Belfast Girls.

I'm always intrigued by characters, like Terry, who allow themselves to be walked on for years (decades) and then "finally" find the courage to escape. In truth, as viewers of Dr Phil will know, there is a dual dynamic going on in this type of situation, where the victim (Terry in this case) also receives a "payback"... a feeling of being "right"... superior... This is a fascinating read, and I am really enjoying it. I'm wondering will Terry ever reach self-awareness, or is it written with a ironic slant where we are aware of her foibles but she is not (as occurs in "Emma" by Jane Austen, where we can see Emma for what she is, but she does not have the same level of awareness). The dialogue and characterisation are perfect, as is the title. Love it.
Frank

This is definitely a brave topic to tackle, and one that will take a brave publisher to pick up. The story is engaging and believable (unfortunately!) and carries a strong message. As for your writing, it is good on the whole, but you might like to turn your attention to the length of some sentences. Maybe consider breaking them down a little to make them less of a mouthful.

Andrew

Hi Lesley - I've only read chapter one so far. I can see from your pitch that you are covering disturbing and controversial topics in your story. Good for you! There are too many 'Ed's in the world who use people's faith and beliefs to further their own egotistical ends at the expense of their families. I think Terry is a brave protagonist and I would like to read further when I can.

I see in one of your responses (below) that you have been looking for an editor to lick this story into shape for you. I have to agree it needs quite a lot of work. For me, the main problem with your narrative is 'readability'. Your sentences are often so long and complicated, it is difficult for your reader to understand exactly what you are trying to say . Even before you find an editor, I think you need to go through your text very carefully to remove repetitions and confusion so you get the sort of readership your topic deserves on this site and elsewhere.

A small point - We have William, Ed and Terry in this opening chapter. I know Terry is a woman, but I kept getting confused by her having what is often a male name, especially during dialogue. Could you give her a more feminine name, perhaps, to help out idiots like me who are easily confused? Next, although I can understand Terry wanting to visit Ed's church in disguise for the sake of her column, I don't see why she would get all blacked up to visit other churches.

I also agree with some of the questions Paxie raised in her comments. There are too many anomalies in Chapter One for your story it to be believable as it stands. In my view it does need quite a lot of work before the narrative becomes fully believable and flowing. However, I love your premise and for that I'm backing your book. Cheers! -Liz (A Bed of Knives)

I love your comments - thanks. I would love to have a long conversation with you about some of them. I'll also check out your book. Lesley

Lesley
I read chapter one....and I WILL read more..... I have lots of questions.....

Could Terry and WIlliam really have such a lengthy conversation in church without everyone hissing and spitting and shooting warning glances at them to keep their voices down.

Would Terry sit down the front, although wanting to remain incognito....A discreet seat at the back would make more sense..... I reckon if I wore a pantomine horse my husband would still spot me.......

She left an abusive husband, and yet she seems very 'switched on and un affected' The gaul of her to be in the Church, (I mean in a brave way).....But I would have liked a couple of harrowing flashbacks, like page turning stuff.....This is your shop window, your opening.....And lets face it, she would have these harrowing flashbacks in reality, a kaladascope of pictures would be tumbling into her head....

She does not share a bed with the partner she wished she'd chosen from school.....I dont buy this....But I might, if you slip in something to back it up......But not 4 chapters down the line....I'll have forgotten by then.....

'typo'' anyone would believed.......'have' believed...

Fabulous storyline which I'm sure will bring a few howling wolves to your door.....Issues of religion and politics are always a potentioal tsunami......

Shelved.....I am enjoying the intrigue.

Lesley
I read chapter one....and I WILL read more..... I have lots of questions.....

Could Terry and WIlliam really have such a lengthy conversation in church without everyone hissing and spitting and shooting warning glances at them to keep their voices down.

Would Terry sit down the front, although wanting to remain incognito....A discreet seat at the back would make more sense..... I reckon if I wore a pantomine horse my husband would still spot me.......

She left an abusive husband, and yet she seems very 'switched on and un affected' The gaul of her to be in the Church, (I mean in a brave way).....But I would have liked a couple of harrowing flashbacks, like page turning stuff.....This is your shop window, your opening.....And lets face it, she would have these harrowing flashbacks in reality, a kaladascope of pictures would be tumbling into her head....

She does not share a bed with the partner she wished she'd chosen from school.....I dont buy this....But I might, if you slip in something to back it up......But not 4 chapters down the line....I'll have forgotten by then.....

'typo'' anyone would believed.......'have' believed...

Fabulous storyline which I'm sure will bring a few howling wolves to your door.....Issues of religion and politics are always a potentioal tsunami......

Shelved.....I am enjoying the intrigue.

Thanks, David. There are altogether too many women who fall into Terry's category - thanks for noticing. As for editing, but of course.... Unfortunately, the story must make too many readers uncomfortable - probably because they recognize someone they know in it because it keeps getting very positive comments and making no progress on the charts- and while it may not be more commercially appealing than the plethora of alien, paranormal, and other cliche-driven Harry Potter wanna-be's that I have read here, it does push past certain traditional boundaries in its own right. So, after more than a year of faithfully reading, commenting, backing, and otherwise participating in this site, I am a bit frustrated.

Hi Lesley :)

I have to love a book that tackles a controversial subject. I love the soap-opera comparison made to the abuse of women and question how high the numbers of suppressed pastors' wives reaches. Even in the movie "The Apostle" Farrah Fawcett played this similar character to DuVall's role as the pastor.

Of course, I see some areas where editing might be helpful (But aren't we all constantly working on our editing?) hehhee. Once in a while a sentence feels a bit long and encompasses several attached thoughts at once, which becomes a tad confusing for me as the reader. But I think you are onto something here and definitely am giving this a run on my shelf :) I love a strong story (especially one whose subject matter rings of hidden truths and might make some uncomfortable)!

David :)

Hi Lesley :)

I have to love a book that tackles a controversial subject. I love the soap-opera comparison made to the abuse of women and question how high the numbers of suppressed pastors' wives reaches. Even in the movie "The Apostle" Farrah Fawcett played this similar character to DuVall's role as the pastor.

Of course, I see some areas where editing might be helpful (But aren't we all constantly working on our editing?) hehhee. Once in a while a sentence feels a bit long and encompasses several attached thoughts at once, which becomes a tad confusing for me as the reader. But I think you are onto something here and definitely am giving this a run on my shelf :) I love a strong story (especially one whose subject matter rings of hidden truths and might make some uncomfortable)!

David :)

Thanks, Freddie! - I'm glad you enjoyed it and I note the suggestions - eventually I'll find an editor who wants to help get this thing into print and do the inevitable polishing

your premise is delightful, thre idea of the ex-wife disguisng herself as a "person of colour" to join services and review them for the national press is hilarious .

i know you have a serious point (or a lot of them) to make with this and i think doing so with touches of bizarre humour will make it all the more effective .

it is through searching for God that many are led to acts of desperation when they believe themselves to have failed .

"terry wondered, pamicking, if she had mixed up ed and god." - and trying to deal with each one honestly, as you put it . indeed. blacking her face and confronting him may not be the most obvious or sane course to take, but who are we (the readers) to judge . it may lead to a benevolent catharsis .

i think this needs some polishing in terms of making it focus more clearly on your teme(s) . especially important in the opening of your book .

wishing you well with this ambitious and difficult book .

freddie
("honour")

your premise is delightful, thre idea of the ex-wife disguisng herself as a "person of colour" to join services and review them for the national press is hilarious .

i know you have a serious point (or a lot of them) to make with this and i think doing so with touches of bizarre humour will make it all the more effective .

it is through searching for God that many are led to acts of desperation when they believe themselves to have failed .

"terry wondered, pamicking, if she had mixed up ed and god." - and trying to deal with each one honestly, as you put it . indeed. blacking her face and confronting him may not be the most obvious or sane course to take, but who are we (the readers) to judge . it may lead to a benevolent catharsis .

i think this needs some polishing in terms of making it focus more clearly on your teme(s) . especially important in the opening of your book .

wishing you well with this ambitious and difficult book .

freddie
("honour")

thanks so much. I appreciate each reader's comments because doesn't a story always connect to something inside each of us when it is actually compelling. L

Hi Lesley, I'm not an editor, so I comment as a reader only--hope that's ok.

Personally, I found your choice of topic extremely interesting. It's a window into a different world for me. That's always compelling. I think you shine brightest with your dialogue. To be honest, some of the narrative at the beginning was a bit cumbersome for me. But once your characters started to converse in earnest--well, there was no turning back. Clearly you have talent, voice and a good story to tell. What more can I ask for?
Shelved.
Shoshanna Einfeld
A True Faerie Story

Thanks a lot. I'm glad you could engage with the characters..

Great pitch, Lesley, and I really liked the way Pastor's Ex-Wife opens. Terry is a character we can easily empathise with and Ed's a real bastard. I loved the way she found another life and then returned just as Ed was preparing to attack what she was doing - for which of course he will now pay dearly. Backed with pleasure - Phil Rowan (Weimar Vibes)

Great pitch, Lesley, and I really liked the way Pastor's Ex-Wife opens. Terry is a character we can easily empathise with and Ed's a real bastard. I loved the way she found another life and then returned just as Ed was preparing to attack what she was doing - for which of course he will now pay dearly. Backed with pleasure - Phil Rowan (Weimar Vibes)

Thanks for the backing, Bob - you are certainly not the first to suggest I shorten sentences. When I do my next rewrite I will be grateful for all the feedback from authonomy readers. Lesley

Pastor's Ex-Wife is a compelling story told well through descriptive narrative. The story develops smoothly and kept my interest, and should do well. I'm happy to back this.
Please get the editor's pencil out and break up those reaaaally long sentences, though; they break up the flow something rotten!

Pastor's Ex-Wife is a compelling story told well through descriptive narrative. The story develops smoothly and kept my interest, and should do well. I'm happy to back this.
Please get the editor's pencil out and break up those reaaaally long sentences, though; they break up the flow something rotten!

Thanks, Simon! I hope you're right that people really care about the story because it is too true in spite of it being couched as fiction.

Great pitch Lesley and a real interesting story! You pace it well and create a story that people will really care about! I do and am gonna give it a spin on the shelf! I will then read on at my leisure! Good work!
Simon (BLACK SHADOWS)

Great pitch Lesley and a real interesting story! You pace it well and create a story that people will really care about! I do and am gonna give it a spin on the shelf! I will then read on at my leisure! Good work!
Simon (BLACK SHADOWS)

Thank you for your honest encouragement. I wonder how many people shy away from starting to read just because the subject is difficult.

Hi Lesley!

I read your pitch and felt like this storyline was going to be a tough one to tackle. Then as I read through the pages of your book, your easy to read style made following the story easy, enjoyable and effortless! You've got a natural delivery to your dialogue and delivery. This is really good stuff! I'm happy to back it!

Kim
Invisible Justice

We are going to have to come up with some better feminines, aren't we! Thank you ever so much.

Hi Lesley, this isn't my usual read, but you have a great MC, pitch and narrative style. Your descriptions and characters are vivid and detailed, and your story has a laid back, easy-going pace to it which works really well with this controversial subject matter, masterfully (sorry, can't think of an equivalent 'fem' word!) addressed. Shelved.

Hi Lesley!

I read your pitch and felt like this storyline was going to be a tough one to tackle. Then as I read through the pages of your book, your easy to read style made following the story easy, enjoyable and effortless! You've got a natural delivery to your dialogue and delivery. This is really good stuff! I'm happy to back it!

Kim
Invisible Justice

Hi Lesley, this isn't my usual read, but you have a great MC, pitch and narrative style. Your descriptions and characters are vivid and detailed, and your story has a laid back, easy-going pace to it which works really well with this controversial subject matter, masterfully (sorry, can't think of an equivalent 'fem' word!) addressed. Shelved.

Thanks for the support and the nit-pick as well. I'll revise it eventually.

I've read the first three chapters, Lesley. Terry is a brave and engaging protagonist. I felt for her at once, and admired the courage it must have taken for her to walk away from everything after years of being taught that her own wishes and needs were valueless. Ed's ego and narcissism shines off the page, all-to-convincingly. And William is an absolute sweetheart. Your minor characters, like Ed's "groupies", are well-drawn, too.

Your writing flows nicely, and you successfully interweave past and present. Just one nitpick, from the first chapter: I love the phrase "memory bullied her back", but I got a bit lost later in that sentence with "until three summers ago after their daughter, Ruth, graduated from High School, and until a few weeks after Peter's marriage... " I had to read it over twice to see what was meant.

Shelved.

Thank you so much - I hope it will serve to challenge, provoke, and confront the issues. Now to find a publisher who is willing to take such a risk.

Lesley
This is a rather risky work of great import and I applaud the way you handle the challenging and thought provoking subject matter. You’ve taken me on a real range of emotion and I can do nothing but offer you praise and my support. I send you much luck with this.
Shelved with my very best wishes
David
Green Ore

I've read the first three chapters, Lesley. Terry is a brave and engaging protagonist. I felt for her at once, and admired the courage it must have taken for her to walk away from everything after years of being taught that her own wishes and needs were valueless. Ed's ego and narcissism shines off the page, all-to-convincingly. And William is an absolute sweetheart. Your minor characters, like Ed's "groupies", are well-drawn, too.

Your writing flows nicely, and you successfully interweave past and present. Just one nitpick, from the first chapter: I love the phrase "memory bullied her back", but I got a bit lost later in that sentence with "until three summers ago after their daughter, Ruth, graduated from High School, and until a few weeks after Peter's marriage... " I had to read it over twice to see what was meant.

Shelved.

Lesley
This is a rather risky work of great import and I applaud the way you handle the challenging and thought provoking subject matter. You’ve taken me on a real range of emotion and I can do nothing but offer you praise and my support. I send you much luck with this.
Shelved with my very best wishes
David
Green Ore

Terry visits plenty of churches in this book. Thanks for the support. I'll get to yours in the next few days. L

Lesley,
Hey I've got a few churches I'd like to send Terry to. I feel sorry for old Ed and his Abundant Love Church when she gets through with him. This writing is very good, great dialogue, feeling and voice. And you have plenty of conflict from the beginning. This is a fun read and good luck with it.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

Lesley,
Hey I've got a few churches I'd like to send Terry to. I feel sorry for old Ed and his Abundant Love Church when she gets through with him. This writing is very good, great dialogue, feeling and voice. And you have plenty of conflict from the beginning. This is a fun read and good luck with it.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

Thank you for your very kind comment.

ON BEHALF OF PATRICK BARRETT - SHAKESPEARES CUTHBERT

Hi Lesley,
Your short pitch intrigued me, and so did the beginning of your book.
You paint a beautiful picture with words - I could see Ed's stole, his creased robe and the fat, beeswax candles, and the decription of the two churches is exquisite. You describe it all so clearly.
I liked the platonic relationship between Terry and William, I think it adds more depth to their friendship.
I have really enjoyed reading this so shall now go and back it. Thank you.

ON BEHALF OF PATRICK BARRETT - SHAKESPEARES CUTHBERT

Hi Lesley,
Your short pitch intrigued me, and so did the beginning of your book.
You paint a beautiful picture with words - I could see Ed's stole, his creased robe and the fat, beeswax candles, and the decription of the two churches is exquisite. You describe it all so clearly.
I liked the platonic relationship between Terry and William, I think it adds more depth to their friendship.
I have really enjoyed reading this so shall now go and back it. Thank you.

Hello Lesley,

I take off my heart for this story. Touching, moving and revealing, you told it well and gave the reader an insight of into the lives of those caught in the middle of the deceptive ways of those purporting to be spreading the word of God. Well written and engaging, it flows smoothly. This is a book that deserves to be treated with respect. Rightly shelved.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Leslie,
The start of your story is inventive; the disguises made me do a double take and reread the sentences. Then the odiousness of the truths held back so sad and unfortunate. How like you to take us into a world that has been hush hush. I congratulate you on tackling this tough subject with grace. Kind Regards. Alexie Aaron

Hi Lesley, The outset is intriguingly odd, the description of the disguises and the pair testing the congregation. It drew me in and then I became more involved with the telling about the marriage and the reuniting with William. I especially liked their conversation about what being saved meant. There are many longish sentences where you begin to qualify an object or a situation – probably needing some paring or working into two sentences. A subject not often handled and you have much detail in your scenarios! Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Read this a long time ago and loved how a woman writes a gossip column about churches the day the pastor blasts her for doing so in the pulpit. Great stuff - shelved.

Thanks so much, Patrick. The summary does make it clear that this serves as an overview of American Protestantism.... I'll be taking a look at your book in the next week or so. Cheers.

I needed to be told that this was an American setting because everything I imagined related to an English church. I had to scrap most of the images as I read on. Writing about a closed community such as this will always be difficult but you have succeeded admirably, the tension is building nicely. On my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

I needed to be told that this was an American setting because everything I imagined related to an English church. I had to scrap most of the images as I read on. Writing about a closed community such as this will always be difficult but you have succeeded admirably, the tension is building nicely. On my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Thanks!

I like the idea of a church critique. I can picture the main character very well. I didn't read very much as I'm on night duty at the moment but what I did read I really enjoyed. There are a few grammatical errors here and there but nothing major. Shelved.

Thank you so very much. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Hi Lesley,

You have an intriguing premise. The subject that you highlight is difficult to handle but you’ve constructed and portrayed it well. Love the pacing and the characters are well crafted and felt real. I like your writing style, it’s smooth and easy to read. I really find this a compelling read and it pulled me in from the start. Any story that pulls me and keeps me glued is well worth the backing.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Thanks so much for all the effort you put into reading and commenting on my first chapter. Alas, while I lived in the UK for a year in the 1970s, I am an American and this is really written about the American church experience but I do understand the cultural concerns. By the way, Condoleezza Rice was George Bush's secretary of state so the reference should work pretty much around the world. Mary Kay Cosmetics is as well known, at least on this side of the pond, as Maybelline. You absolutely did not offend me - I know rewrites are a major part of our job too. Lesley

Hi Lesley, I tend to make notes as I go along. I also make suggestions, but as we are all amateurs trying to help each other out, I’m neither saying, ‘I’m right’ nor ‘it will improve your writing’ Please take anything you don’t agree with a pinch of salt, and feel free to use anything you like.
My first impression is that you have a tendency to overwrite. Most of this is easy to sort out, it’s the story that matters most. It was the pitch that drew me in and it really is an interesting theme.
I’m thinking looking at the opening line (really important) apparently editors have been known to toss out a MS before they’ve finished the first paragraph.
Ask yourself this:
Does a reader need to know anything other than it was a black wig – I haven’t a clue what a ‘pressed-flat Condoleezza Rice wig’ is? So is it short? Does it make her look like a man or an Indian Princess? These things may add to the settings but info dumps don’t.
Pretty much the same with Tamesha’s Mary Kay Bronze #808 foundation I’ve never heard of Tamesha or Mary Kaye. I’m in the UK don’t forget! I think if you are looking to interest a wide range of readers on Authonomy, they need to know – If it’s a make- use a universal like Maybelline or one that everyone knows, or just say Dark foundation. This is one paragraph that threw me totally, I read it three times before I fully understood it. I am going to attempt to simplify it and see what you make of it.

This morning while daubing her face with dark foundation, she wondered if he’d changed. Just as she imagined, under his tight black clergy collar, Ed was still as unkempt as ever. Draped on top of his vestments was the familiar green satin, Trinity-season stole which she had dutifully embroidered all those years ago with the traditional ‘Office of the Keys’ emblem. She’d sat for hours stitching away, the stiff silver thread, snagging her roughened fingertips, while Peter chased little Ruthie in the yard behind the parsonage.

Ed’s white floor-length robe had a clean but dishevelled look, as if it had been left in the dryer long after the cycle had finished. No doubt, a scruffiness his parishioners attributed to her, she concluded.


The next section has far too much information. I know you are trying to show us what the church is like, but it is a bit OTT. You need to structure the sentence so that it makes perfect sense.

Was he chanting as he walked down the aisle? (Bass voice booming)
Let’s split it up a bit.

Ed proceeded regally, alter-bound, bass voice booming. The threadbare, but royal red carpet which he trod was supposed to convey the faithfuls’ imagination toward some heavenly throne. Cherub-like, the blond altar boy tiptoed and managed to reach the wicks of each fat beeswax candle with the flame of his silver-plated rod before Ed reached the third step.

(still not perfect) I just don't want to remove too much of what you've written.

Ed pivoted to face the congregation. “The Lord be with you.” He intoned.

The congregation responded without reference to the liturgy on the front page of the blue hymnal. “And with your spirit.”

Terry made a mental note for next week’s news column.

Hmm... okay this little bit that follows just tells me that you know your churchy stuff; too authoritarian. I would find something else to report unless of course this is detrimental to the storyline. I would imagine any regular church-goer would know the lines? But as I say, I’m holding fire as this may well be a relevant passage in a non-conformist church.

She felt Ed’s eyes search her. He looked shocked to see people of colour visiting the church this morning. Several pairs of eyes stared as she and William had walked down that too familiar shabby royal carpet to a front pew, but no one approached either of them. Not even hello.

I guess by now you are either rattled by my suggestions or maybe at least I’ve given you some useful examples. I only hope I haven’t offended you.
Good luck with the re-write. Please let me know when it’s done and I’ll revisit.
Sue

Thanks, Melanie, I'm glad you found this and enjoyed it.

Lesley

I was drawn to this after reading the pitch :) Clergy abuse has destroyed the lives of people I know so to me it is a very important topic, the subject needs a brave author so I commend you! This is an engaging and satirical read, a great story with a strong plot and a nice, easy style. You tackle a lot of genres in one go here, but it works - the pace is spot on and I can keep up. It's good that you don't alienate the reader with too many layers! Really great work, giving this a spin on my shelf!

Melanie.

I like the idea of a church critique. I can picture the main character very well. I didn't read very much as I'm on night duty at the moment but what I did read I really enjoyed. There are a few grammatical errors here and there but nothing major. Shelved.

Hi Lesley,

You have an intriguing premise. The subject that you highlight is difficult to handle but you’ve constructed and portrayed it well. Love the pacing and the characters are well crafted and felt real. I like your writing style, it’s smooth and easy to read. I really find this a compelling read and it pulled me in from the start. Any story that pulls me and keeps me glued is well worth the backing.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Hi Lesley, I tend to make notes as I go along. I also make suggestions, but as we are all amateurs trying to help each other out, I’m neither saying, ‘I’m right’ nor ‘it will improve your writing’ Please take anything you don’t agree with a pinch of salt, and feel free to use anything you like.
My first impression is that you have a tendency to overwrite. Most of this is easy to sort out, it’s the story that matters most. It was the pitch that drew me in and it really is an interesting theme.
I’m thinking looking at the opening line (really important) apparently editors have been known to toss out a MS before they’ve finished the first paragraph.
Ask yourself this:
Does a reader need to know anything other than it was a black wig – I haven’t a clue what a ‘pressed-flat Condoleezza Rice wig’ is? So is it short? Does it make her look like a man or an Indian Princess? These things may add to the settings but info dumps don’t.
Pretty much the same with Tamesha’s Mary Kay Bronze #808 foundation I’ve never heard of Tamesha or Mary Kaye. I’m in the UK don’t forget! I think if you are looking to interest a wide range of readers on Authonomy, they need to know – If it’s a make- use a universal like Maybelline or one that everyone knows, or just say Dark foundation. This is one paragraph that threw me totally, I read it three times before I fully understood it. I am going to attempt to simplify it and see what you make of it.

This morning while daubing her face with dark foundation, she wondered if he’d changed. Just as she imagined, under his tight black clergy collar, Ed was still as unkempt as ever. Draped on top of his vestments was the familiar green satin, Trinity-season stole which she had dutifully embroidered all those years ago with the traditional ‘Office of the Keys’ emblem. She’d sat for hours stitching away, the stiff silver thread, snagging her roughened fingertips, while Peter chased little Ruthie in the yard behind the parsonage.

Ed’s white floor-length robe had a clean but dishevelled look, as if it had been left in the dryer long after the cycle had finished. No doubt, a scruffiness his parishioners attributed to her, she concluded.


The next section has far too much information. I know you are trying to show us what the church is like, but it is a bit OTT. You need to structure the sentence so that it makes perfect sense.

Was he chanting as he walked down the aisle? (Bass voice booming)
Let’s split it up a bit.

Ed proceeded regally, alter-bound, bass voice booming. The threadbare, but royal red carpet which he trod was supposed to convey the faithfuls’ imagination toward some heavenly throne. Cherub-like, the blond altar boy tiptoed and managed to reach the wicks of each fat beeswax candle with the flame of his silver-plated rod before Ed reached the third step.

(still not perfect) I just don't want to remove too much of what you've written.

Ed pivoted to face the congregation. “The Lord be with you.” He intoned.

The congregation responded without reference to the liturgy on the front page of the blue hymnal. “And with your spirit.”

Terry made a mental note for next week’s news column.

Hmm... okay this little bit that follows just tells me that you know your churchy stuff; too authoritarian. I would find something else to report unless of course this is detrimental to the storyline. I would imagine any regular church-goer would know the lines? But as I say, I’m holding fire as this may well be a relevant passage in a non-conformist church.

She felt Ed’s eyes search her. He looked shocked to see people of colour visiting the church this morning. Several pairs of eyes stared as she and William had walked down that too familiar shabby royal carpet to a front pew, but no one approached either of them. Not even hello.

I guess by now you are either rattled by my suggestions or maybe at least I’ve given you some useful examples. I only hope I haven’t offended you.
Good luck with the re-write. Please let me know when it’s done and I’ll revisit.
Sue

Lesley

I was drawn to this after reading the pitch :) Clergy abuse has destroyed the lives of people I know so to me it is a very important topic, the subject needs a brave author so I commend you! This is an engaging and satirical read, a great story with a strong plot and a nice, easy style. You tackle a lot of genres in one go here, but it works - the pace is spot on and I can keep up. It's good that you don't alienate the reader with too many layers! Really great work, giving this a spin on my shelf!

Melanie.

Hi Tom,
I am very pleased that you took the time to dabble in my book. I think if you had the interest (which I totally understand you don't, probably) to keep reading, you would see that the structure of the book is a plot between two bookends. The bookends are the first and last chapters. That's why it's difficult to engage with the plot at the beginning. Personally, I think it works as a device - there is obviously mixed opinion about it here on authonomy. Again, thanks for your time and really useful suggestions. Lesley

Comments on Chapter 1...

This is a different world for me (non-believer, I'm afraid), but it's always good to get an insight on something out of your experience. I was trying to figure out what era it was. You don't specify, but person "of colour" felt like somewhere in the past. Perhaps you can make it clearer (if it's not the present, I mean)?

The other thing that occurred to me is that there is a bit of back-story and exposition slowing down your story. What you are effectively doing is stopping the plot in its tracks to tell the reader something. Now, some of this is important, of course, so it needs to be imparted in some fashion, but I think you can pare and prune a little to smooth out the bumps.

This is what I would suggest. Go through EVERY line and ask yourself two questions...

1. Does this line tell the reader something important about the plot and/or characters?

2. Does this line tell the reader something he/she doesn't know, or can't guess from inference?

If the answer to either question is no, give serious thought to deleting the offending clause or sentence.

By doing this, you will achieve two things: pace and clarity. Both of these things are effective to drawing a reader into your world and holding them there. If you want to slow the pace - for instance, for a breather between fast-moving scenes - simply add it in some of that background detail.

For the moment, it's not quite working for me, so I'll leave it at that. Hope some of that helps you, but remember always to get several opinions before you change anything. And don't change anything unless it feels right to YOU.

Regards,

TomW

Comments on Chapter 1...

This is a different world for me (non-believer, I'm afraid), but it's always good to get an insight on something out of your experience. I was trying to figure out what era it was. You don't specify, but person "of colour" felt like somewhere in the past. Perhaps you can make it clearer (if it's not the present, I mean)?

The other thing that occurred to me is that there is a bit of back-story and exposition slowing down your story. What you are effectively doing is stopping the plot in its tracks to tell the reader something. Now, some of this is important, of course, so it needs to be imparted in some fashion, but I think you can pare and prune a little to smooth out the bumps.

This is what I would suggest. Go through EVERY line and ask yourself two questions...

1. Does this line tell the reader something important about the plot and/or characters?

2. Does this line tell the reader something he/she doesn't know, or can't guess from inference?

If the answer to either question is no, give serious thought to deleting the offending clause or sentence.

By doing this, you will achieve two things: pace and clarity. Both of these things are effective to drawing a reader into your world and holding them there. If you want to slow the pace - for instance, for a breather between fast-moving scenes - simply add it in some of that background detail.

For the moment, it's not quite working for me, so I'll leave it at that. Hope some of that helps you, but remember always to get several opinions before you change anything. And don't change anything unless it feels right to YOU.

Regards,

TomW

Pastor's Ex-Wife...


Now I've read your partial, i.e., what an agent would read, I'm sensing a great story here, but I'm even more convinced that I need to know a little more about the actual abuse. All the backstory about William is interesting, but I'm not sure it drives your story enough.

Some of your sentences are don't flow quite well enough yet. I'd re-read them aloud and smooth them out.

As a reader, I'm well and truly hooked, which is why I'm shelving your novel, plus the fact that you're dealing with such an important issue. I'd love to see this one published.

However, when I put my 'writer's cap' on, I have the feeling that you could restructure quite a bit. I find structure the most difficult novel-writing problem, but a book I found really helpful is Jack W. Bickham's Scene and Structure. You'll love it because it will help you to strengthen each scene, and will help you to link your scenes so that the reader is compelled to read on.

This is a great story. Please use the feedback you receive from Authonomites to make it even better than it is.

Have fun on your way to the Editor's Desk.

SHELVED.

Cheers,
Sheryl (In All The Wrong Places)

Pastor's Ex-Wife...

C.2 reactions: I think some of the recounted reactions from the church that you open with in c.2 should really take place in c.1...would make c.1 even more powerful. When reactions are recounted later, they're weaker. Sometimes you want to do this (e.g., if you're dealing with child abuse...readers don't want to be that close to the actual abuse), but here, we're talking about her reactions to seeing the man who abused her well after she's physically free of him.

Although I'm getting some hints of the type of abuse Terry suffered, I think I'd like a little more clarity about it. Perhaps this is just me.

One nit: don't repeat the character's names in dialogue so much; people don't really talk that way (unless they're used car salesmen.) This is especially important in the exchanges between William and Terry.

Despite my comments, I'm reading on because you've hooked me....