Book Jacket

 

rank 4051
word count 30381
date submitted 07.08.2008
date updated 10.02.2009
genres: Fiction, Fantasy
classification: universal
incomplete

Blood Ties

Debbie Bennett

When an entire race is fighting for survival, it may be the enemy within that can do the most damage.

 

What holds a city together - shared history or a mixed gene pool?

Alesha thinks she has all the answers. But she's about to discover that she hasn't even been asking the right questions.

(Novel not yet completed - 69,000 words so far, 80-90k anticipated in total)

 
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tags

coming-of-age, fantasy, loyalties, race, sword & sorcery, traditional fantasy

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Chapters

5

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— Chapter 5 —

 

Outside the North Gate of the city, the road skirted the east side of a large wood for a few miles before turning sharply to the west for no apparent reason. It was as if there had once been an obstacle preventing the road builder from continuing and nobody could remember exactly why the road suddenly plunged into the middle of the trees.

    Alesha shivered as they approached the bend, her eyes automatically looking for the invisible obstruction that forced the road to the left. But there was nothing but fields, with the silhouettes of farm buildings on the horizons, grey cameos against the evening sky. The air was still dusty, the night was going to be dry and warm – ideal weather for the crops, but the pale corn was almost indistinguishable from the yellowed grass in places and sometimes it didn’t seem like it would ever rain again.

    Her companions had been silent for most of the journey so far; Falconer was avoiding her and Jereth seemed to be the kind of man who only spoke when he had something worth saying. Which was perhaps a good thing as Alesha wasn’t in any mood for idle chatter; she was still trying to come to terms with the bombshell Jereth had dropped on her. And the biggest question on her mind right now was whether Haran had known that he wasn’t her father. Had her mother ever told him the truth?

    She’d been eleven when her mother had been killed. Just a child and too young to understand the complexities of adult relationships. Certainly there’d never been any indication that either of them knew he wasn’t her biological father. Yet she could remember her mother’s laugh, her often-irreverent outlook on life and the way her father would get irritated by the way she behaved. You’re my wife, Alesha remembered hearing him say, not some peasant girl. Try to act like it, Elene. You’re embarrassing me. Her mother had refused to be tied down by convention and yet that was why he loved her so much – she’d been a breath of fresh air into the life of a newly-promoted Captain. And she’d loved him too, Alesha knew she had. Or were they both trying too hard to atone for something past? Seeing her childhood with adult eyes, she could see the signs now but was still unsure as to their meaning. It didn’t mean her mother had had an affair? Did it?

     She wondered why she was going along with this madness. Had they kidnapped her, or was she there of her own free will? She liked to think it was the latter, but Alesha had the feeling that if she suddenly announced an intention to return to Ariathen and expose Falconer for the traitor he evidently was, she would discover her status had suddenly changed from fellow-traveller to prisoner. Besides, she wanted to know more about this man – Cala? – they said was her real father, find out the truth of it. For the first time in her life, there was an element of uncertainty, an unknown quantity. For the first time there was a chance to make something of her life, step off the tracks, be someone. And despite the uncertainty and possible danger of what she was doing, there was no way she was going back now. Even if she had the choice.

    True to Falconer’s word, there had been three horses waiting for them when he’d gone to speak to the gate-keeper at the North Gate, leaving her and Jereth sharing an uneasy silence in the inner courtyard. Alesha realised why Falconer had been so shocked to find her in the Starlight the other night – the place was obviously the local haunt of the city sympathisers and she wondered exactly how many people were involved. Roselle’s personal guard seemed to know a great many more people than he should.

    Jereth looked nervous; the bravado and irritation masking deeper feelings and his eyes seemed to be trying to watch the door of the gatehouse, the North Gate and Alesha herself all at the same time. He wasn’t making a very good job of it and yet she had the distinct impression that if she made a run for freedom, he’d stop her any way he could. He really is desperate, she realised and it made her curious. For the first time in her life she was important to someone – really important, although she had no idea why.

    Falconer’s visit to her room the other night had been premeditated. He hadn’t just been there to scold her for putting herself in danger, but he’d evidently been through her wardrobe as well, if the small bag of clothing he’d handed her in the yard was anything to go by. A light grey skirt, green blouse and soft knee-length boots were stuffed inside in the way that only men pack bags, and although she recognised the skirt and blouse as her own, the boots were new.

    So she’d changed her clothes, leaving the white ball gown behind with a touch of regret. It would be the first thing Haran would find when he came after them as he inevitably would. She’d heard him in the kitchens earlier. If her father had already lost his wife to the Cala – and his reaction to Falconer’s news certainly seemed to back it up – she doubted he would give up his daughter too. Not without a fight.

    It was dusk now and the woods were looking more forbidding by the minute. Alesha wasn’t scared of the dark, but on top of everything else that had happened that day, she wasn’t exactly enthusiastic about riding in any further that night. But as they followed the road to the left and into the trees, Jereth reined in his horse abruptly just inside the curtain of foliage and the other two had to turn their mounts away to avoid a collision.    

    Jereth slid from the saddle and threw the reins over a tree stump. He looked up at the other two. “You may as well dismount. I don’t know how long we’ll be here.”

    “What are we waiting for?” Falconer jumped down, taking hold of Alesha’s mount’s bridle.

    “I was supposed to meet my contact three days ago. I dare say he’s still around somewhere.” Jereth peered along the path and Alesha got the distinct impression he was seeing more than just trees. The gloom didn’t seem to affect his eyesight at all and he turned and strolled deeper into the woods.

    She stretched in the saddle, grimacing at the thought of the way her muscles would be complaining tomorrow. They’d only come about six or seven miles and not even at much of a pace, but she wasn’t used to it, not in the fading light of the evening. She’d ridden before, of course, but never much more than an easy canter round the palace grounds with Roselle. And these beasts which Falconer had obtained for them weren’t exactly out of the royal stables.

    Then she stopped mid-stretch as a movement up ahead caught her eye. The road had petered out into a track now and it was overhung by branches on either side. Ariathen was the most northerly city of any size and most trade stopped within the city walls before heading back down to the more prosperous south of the land. Consequently this road was little used, badly maintained and even said to be haunted. There were rumours – stories mostly, she hoped – of travellers who’d never emerged from the forest, or if they had returned to the city, they’d been changed somehow, lost their minds. Or their souls. Alesha shivered. Now was most definitely not the time for such thoughts.

    She strained her eyes as from out of the undergrowth stepped a man. At least, she thought it was a man, though from the length of his hair and his slender build, it was difficult to tell. Outside of the city, without all its associations, it was easy to tell him for Cala, even before she saw the high cheekbones and fey look in his eyes. Dressed in greens and browns, he wore his long brown hair loose and it rippled down his back like chocolate.

    “Jereth. When will you ever learn to keep an appointment?” His voice was light, almost musical.

    “One or two small problems, but nothing I couldn’t handle.” Jereth turned back to the others. “This is Jale. Jale, meet Alesha. She’s the daughter of Ariathen’s Watch Captain.”

    “You do like to live dangerously, don’t you?” Jale sauntered towards her and held out his hand. “May I help you dismount?”

    She couldn’t tell if he was making fun of her. His voice was mocking and his eyes sparkled as he stood there, weight balanced on one foot and with all the lean athleticism of a fighter. He held her gaze, his face totally devoid of any expression save for the look in his eyes. And he looked bored, as if he could think of a hundred better ways of spending his time than on the edge of a forest on a summer night. She felt the same odd feather-touch on her mind as when she’d first met Jereth and she frowned.

    “So,” Jale said at length, casually ignoring Alesha’s rejection, “this is what we’ve risked our lives for, is it? The daughter of our greatest enemy.” He turned back to Jereth. “Does she know anything?”

    “A little. The rest can wait until we get to Calleagh.” Jereth ran a hand through his hair and a flicker of surprise crossed his face.

    Jale laughed suddenly. “Not got used to it yet, have you? I did warn you, but you went ahead with it anyway.” The unwitting pun made him smile again and Jereth scowled.

    “If you’d done anything useful over the past few days, you’d know Ariathen men don’t generally wear their hair long. I’d have been just a bit noticeable.”

    “So why are you so late?” Jale saw the look in his eyes. “You got caught, didn’t you? That’s why you’re behind schedule. No wonder you look so ill.”

    Jereth unhooked the reins of his horse. “And I wish I knew who was responsible. I’d take great delight in removing his limbs one at a time. Haran knew who I was,” he added, by way of explanation.

    Jale grinned. “Then aren’t we lucky Falconer was there?” He looked sideways at the man, pursed his lips as if he were about to continue and then turned away, walking back into the undergrowth. He returned a few moments later leading his own horse, glanced around the group again, his gaze lingering on Falconer, then he shook his head impatiently, scrambling into the saddle.

    Alesha hadn’t dismounted throughout the exchange, so she followed him as he rode off, looking behind as the other two caught up. She noticed that Jereth hadn’t introduced Falconer to Jale, so presumably Falconer’s involvement went deeper than just being the Cala’s eyes and ears in the palace. Five years, he’d said he’d been working for them. Five years of treachery and deception. And she’d thought she loved him. It just went to show how little you could ever really know about a person.

    From the back, Jale looked like something out of a story-book, with his long brown hair matching the colour of his horse. Alesha racked her brains to remember the old tales from her childhood; stories of the Cala as they used to be, before the riots of forty years earlier, when Haran’s father – her grandfather – had led the final assault and driven them out of Ariathen and up into the Northern mountains. Ariathen had it the hardest, too; for some reason it had been the stronghold of the Cala and refugees from all over the country had collected there. And then Haran’s father, being something of a diplomat as well as a swordsman, had called together the Cala leaders and the City Councillors from across the land and instigated the treaty. That had been the end of it – or so she’d thought.

    They crossed the woods in about an hour and emerged out into the open again. The road became more substantial here although it was still little-used, judging by the rough weeds growing in the ruts. As far as she knew there was nothing other than one or two villages and small-holdings between here and the mountains.

    Jale had dropped back to ride alongside her and he was watching her curiously – rudely, she thought.

    “Can you mindtouch?” he asked abruptly.

    “What?” She was startled by his sudden speech and didn’t know what he was talking about, but Jale shook his head briefly. It was near fully dark now, and she could see moonlight reflected in his eyes.

    “No matter.” He glanced behind them, but Falconer and Jereth were out of earshot. “You have a look of us about you, you know?”

    “Do I?” Was he trying to make conversation? Alesha didn’t know quite what to make of him. He didn’t fit into the moulds of any people she knew and she got the distinct impression that he never would. Jale did exactly as he pleased, regardless of the consequences.

    “Your eyes betray you,” he continued. “I’m surprised nobody’s noticed before.”

    “I’ve never met any of you before.”

    “Hardly surprising, is it,” said Jale, “with the Watch Captain for a father?”

    “But he isn’t, is he?” replied Alesha bitterly. She knew she’d never see her father in the same light again and she didn’t like the way her viewpoint was shifting all by itself. Fatherhood wasn’t necessarily biological, so why did she feel cheated somehow? Haran had been everything a father could be – she’d had the perfect childhood; even after her mother’s death, he’d always been there for her and they’d become closer then. So why didn’t he tell me? she wanted to know. Did he think I’d love him any the less for knowing?

    “No, he’s not.” Jale was still watching her. “Your real father was one of our leaders. Until he was caught by the Watch and murdered. Hanged in your City Square like some common thief. Oh he was stupid, I grant you – having an affair with a human woman was idiocy itself – and we were even more stupid not to see what was happening, but he was no criminal. Falling in love is foolish, but it’s hardly a crime.”

    “You’ve never been in love, then?” Alesha asked coldly. She was beginning to dislike this enigmatic, but self-opinionated creature.

    Jale swung round in his saddle. “Have you?” He laughed suddenly, as if trying to diffuse the sudden tension. “When you’ve lived as long as I have, Alesha, then you may be entitled to ask me questions like that.”

    How long is that, then? But Alesha didn’t reply, wondering what Jale had to hide. She didn’t really want to continue the conversation, but she didn’t know when there would be another chance to find out what she wanted to know. If her real father had been killed by the Watch, the chances were it was by Haran’s hand. Although the occasional Cala had been caught in the city before, she’d never paid much attention and Haran had never allowed her to go down to City Square to watch the hangings; it was only in the last couple of years that he’d acknowledged her judgement and given her more freedom.

    So the man who had brought her up as his own child had maybe killed her natural father. Without even knowing it. “So what was he like, then? My father?

    “Andry?” Jale stared straight ahead now, his voice distant and cool. “He was – different, I suppose. It’s difficult to know how to describe him. He had your colouring.” He paused. “We didn’t know about you until recently.”

    Alesha hesitated. “My mother died eight years ago. She fell from her horse.”

    “Did she? That explains a great deal.” Jale seemed about to continue when the other two caught up with them.

    “We’ve got company,” said Jereth tersely. “Behind us – just inside the tree line.”

    Jale twisted in the saddle and glanced back the way they’d come. There was a fair distance of open ground between them and the edge of the forest; the light was gone and Alesha wondered how they could possibly see anything that far away. The trees were no more than a dark blur across the horizon.

    “I see them.” Jale squinted for a moment and turned back. “Popular, aren’t you?”

    Jereth ignored the sarcasm. “How many do you make?”

    “Four at my count. There could be more further in.”

    “That’s what I thought,” Jereth agreed. “Watch Guard at a guess.” He looked at Jale. “Can you handle them?”

    Jale’s eyes narrowed. “My pleasure.”

    “Keep it simple. We’re trying to prevent a war, not start one.”

    “You take all the fun out of things.” Jale nudged the sides of his mount. “Wait here.”

    “What’s he doing?” Falconer pulled up alongside Jereth, a puzzled look on his face.”

    “Buying us some time, I hope. We could do without a showdown right now.” He hesitated for a moment, pursing his lips. “Falconer, keep an eye on him, would you? He’s a bit unpredictable, is Jale.”

    “Then why bring him along? Don’t we have enough to contend with?”

    “Because when he’s on form, he’s good.” Jereth shrugged. “I trust him, and let me tell you there are precious few people I’d trust with my life right now, let alone Alesha’s.” He paused again, as if considering how much to say. “But mostly because of Andry.”

    Alesha frowned. What did Jale have to do with Andry? And why was she so important to them? So Andry might have been her father and Andry was dead. So what? Even if it was true, and she hadn’t seen or heard enough yet to be convinced. But the tone of Jereth’s voice suggested he didn’t intend to elaborate and his attention was fixed on the figures at the edge of the woods.

    Jale cut a strange figure, a black shape in the darkness, riding unhurriedly back towards the trees. He didn’t seem particularly bothered by Jereth’s request and Alesha wondered just what, exactly, these people were capable of doing. If Jale could handle a group of the Watch with such ease, then how come Jereth had been so close to standing trial tomorrow morning?

    “Under Haran’s guard is a very safe place to be when everyone else thinks you’re a demon incarnate.”

    Alesha’s eyes widened as Jereth spoke. Had she actually voiced the question? She didn’t think so and yet Jereth had just answered it. It was unnerving to say the least, but she supposed he did have a point. Haran – my father; he’s still my father – was scrupulously fair, if nothing else, and would have ensured that Jereth stayed safe until the trial.

     It was all getting to be too much for one evening. She sighed and pulled her dark cloak around her shoulders, wondering how long it would be before she could sleep tonight.

 

There was no point in pretending he was anything other than Cala. Jereth’s discovery and subsequent escape would have alerted Ariathen – if not the entire human population of the land – to the fact that something was happening. And anyway, Jale had made himself a promise not to hide any more. So he rode casually towards the small party of men at the edge of the forest and deliberately didn’t erect any of the illusionary disguises he could call up at will. Distracting such a small number would be easy, but what was the point? What was the point in pretending, when it was obvious that Alesha had left with Falconer and Jereth? What’s the point in anything any more?

    Jale shook his head, blocking out the negative thoughts before they had a chance to germinate. He couldn’t afford to screw up any more, not if Andry’s death was to count for anything. Part of him knew that Jereth was testing him, trying to see if he had finally shaken off the water from the black well in which he’d come so close to drowning. He thought he’d succeeded, although sometimes it all came flooding back with alarming potency – like when Jereth had announced that he was going to find Andry’s child. But he was getting over it now, seeing Alesha had proved that and he’d managed to keep his emotions under tight control. Although how long he could do it for, Jale didn’t know, especially if she kept at him with questions. Couldn’t she see that if he started to talk, he’d never be able to stop? There weren’t enough words to convey what had happened.

    Jale halted his mount within speaking distance of the group, but far enough away to protect himself, should the need arise. He didn’t want to fight, not if he could possibly avoid it, but years of self-preservation had him assessing the men at the edge of the tree-line, almost as soon as he came to a standstill.

    “Leave us alone.” His voice was clear and calm, carrying easily in the night air. One of the horses tossed its head impatiently and its rider cursed softly. There were four of them – Militia rather than Watch Guard, which only made them all the more dangerous – and they were standing just close enough to the undergrowth to make it difficult to tell if there were reinforcements behind.

    “You have Alesha?” It was not so much a question as a challenge and Jale nodded, then realised that human eyesight wouldn’t see the movement.

    “Yes. Don’t follow us. We could make you wish you’d not left the city.”

    “Are you threatening us, Cala?” The man spat out the last word accusingly. “I could have half the Militia out here.”

    “In time to catch us up?” Jale smiled thinly. “I doubt it. And if you do follow us, remember that the place of conflict will be of our choosing.” He hesitated. “We don’t want trouble with you.” We never have. Not that it made a difference.

    “I tell you what,” he continued after a moment. “I’ll make a bargain with you. Why don’t we ask Alesha what she wants? If she wants to return with you, then we won’t stop her.”

    “I don’t make deals with scum.”

    “Suit yourself.” Jale turned his horse away and was about to leave when the leader of the small group spoke again.

    “Ask her.”

    “All right,” said Jale agreeably, hiding a smile. They really are scared of me.

Reaching out with his mind, he found Jereth easily and sent him a picture of what he wanted. The looks on the faces of the Militia were almost enough to make him laugh as Alesha came trotting over to join him. What did they think he was, telepathic? Probably. That and more.

“Do you want to go back with them,” he asked her, keeping his voice as flat as possible and wondering what he’d do if she actually said yes. Still, if they hadn’t got her halfway on their side by now, there was no chance anyway. Why had they kept Andry out of Ariathen for so long? Keeping him away from Elene was supposed to have kept him alive, but it hadn’t worked, had it? And they’d kept him away from Alesha too, even the knowledge of her existence. But there had to be a point to Andry’s death – it had to count for something if his daughter would help them now.

The look of her frightened him. She was so like Andry, the depth in her eyes, even the way she sat on her horse, defiantly proud and refusing to give in. Her mind was like his too, Jale had sensed that straight away, but she didn’t believe in herself. Not yet, anyway. Perhaps they could convince her in Calleagh. If not, they’d have a war on their hands.

    Alesha sat up straight on her horse. “Say to Haran,” she said after a moment, “that I’ll be back. Soon. Tell him I’ve gone to find out about my father.”    

    “What?” The man looked puzzled.

    “He’ll understand.” She hesitated. “And if he doesn’t, tell him I’ll explain it when I come home.”

    “My lady?” He didn’t seem to know what to make of her attitude. “Are you hurt? Your father is concerned for your safety.”

    “Is he?” Her voice sounded bitter. “Or is he more concerned that I might learn things he’d rather kept secret?”

    “I don’t understand what you’re implying.”

    “Neither do I, yet. But I’ll find out. I’m all right, Reyne – it is Reyne, isn’t it?” He nodded. “Honestly. I’ll be home in a few days, I promise. There’s no point in following us.”

    “See?” Jale smiled brightly. “Now go and report that to your Captain. Come, Alesha.”

    To his amazement, she gave him a dazzling smile and turned her horse away back to Jereth and Falconer. What was it with this girl? They were supposed to have snatched her from Ariathen, to take her back to Calleagh, where they would try and show her what would happen if something wasn’t done to reunite the two races. And yet here she was, acting for all the world as if the whole thing had been her idea in the first place.

    Jale followed Alesha back to where Jereth and Falconer were waiting. Looking over his shoulder, he saw the small group of Militia had gone and he realised that getting Alesha to talk to them was possibly the best move he could have made. Alesha seemed to be a girl who knew her own mind. She was Andry’s daughter all right. Perhaps he should tell her about her father. Perhaps if he did, it might do as much for him as it would for her.

 

Chapters

5

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Iris Wolfhaven wrote 302 days ago

AMAZING! Blood Ties is beautiful, and creative, and incredibly written. The details, the intrigue, and the characters as well, all played and blended together beautifully. You are trlly an amazing writer Debbie and have hooked me to your story. Thank you dearly for such and engaging and magickal read. <3

Morven wrote 1448 days ago

What a delight !
Blood Ties is fantasy as it should be, beautifully written, believable and tightly plotted.
Exquisite word building, you had me transported instantly to an intriguing new world. One where I wanted to stay, enthralled as the story unfolded. You are a consummate storyteller, Debbie, triggering my imagination and wanting more, especially of the Cala !
Backed with great pleasure.

Naranda85 wrote 1686 days ago

Your story is engaging, I love the traditional fantasy and the writing instantly takes me into the book; I can see the characters clearly, understand them, and almost feel the world around them. I like it :)

Sadly, that's the best I can put together for a passable comment on a good story

4dprefect wrote 1703 days ago

Confident, assured writing and - after the prologue and chapter 1 - I did feel like I wanted to read more - but the small font on the screen just isn't making very good friends with my eyes. Very much in the traditional fantasy vein, but I wonder if proclaiming that in the pitch is a good advert. If I were you, I'd leave that to the genre heading and use the proclaim this book's specific qualities.

Jan wrote 1732 days ago

Good writing - as always. Been a while since I have read any 'sword and sorcery' fantasy' but this is great. I love the first line. Its a cracker. Read up to chapter 5 - which is about all I can manage at one time online

Will get back to more soon...

Rebeccarocko wrote 299 days ago

im so sleepy but i cant stop reading =)

Iris Wolfhaven wrote 302 days ago

AMAZING! Blood Ties is beautiful, and creative, and incredibly written. The details, the intrigue, and the characters as well, all played and blended together beautifully. You are trlly an amazing writer Debbie and have hooked me to your story. Thank you dearly for such and engaging and magickal read. <3

Andy M. Potter wrote 1045 days ago

Debbie, great opening line. and great storyline. fine pace, intrigue, strong characters.
on my shelf.
well, when i like something, i try to send a "real" critique - some picky crap. ;)
pls ignore if my thoughts make no sense for your style.

2nd sentence:
"... and the crowd that was even now beginning to gather ..." - maybe shorten- "and the crowd beginning to gather ..." ?

"words would have to be enough" - "words would have to do"

"complete lack" - "lack"

ok, nuff picky crap.
very best wishes, andy




SammySutton wrote 1060 days ago

Interesting...I like it. will try to read more soon..
Good Luck !
I Backed!
Thanks Again,
Sammy Sutton
King Solomon's '13'

M. A. McRae. wrote 1062 days ago

Another excellent book. Backed, Marj. (But you should make new book-covers. Most of them are just crook!)

Veruka Salt wrote 1080 days ago

I have read the first chapter and know that is enough for me to want to read more.

You build intrigue wonderfully and feed us the story slowly and with wonderful clarity.

I immediately felt drawn to Alesha and all the while wondered where you were taking us. You brought me easily to a new place a new world with polished writing.

I could find nothing I could help with here.

Mooderino wrote 1082 days ago

I chose this one because the pitch gave me the impression it would be an adventure. i think that was a fair assumption.

Your powers of description stood out as particularly good. The start with the hanging was a good tense opener. I did get a little lost as to who was speaking in his interchange with Jareth.

Alesha and her dad were nicely portrayed. Good chemistry between them. Also between her and her friends. She holds the foreground well.

Bringing Jareth back in was good, showed a strong sene of plotting and structure.

Overall very polished. Good characterisation, felt like I got handle on them in very few words. Also a strong sense that things are afoot. Happy to back.

Elsie W wrote 1215 days ago

Hi Debbie,
I picked this book because the pitch appealed most to me. The chapters do not disappoint. You've really captured the whole father-daughter relationship so effectively - he thinking her too young, her thinking she's far older than she really is. I can only imagine she's going to go find the mysterious man who entered her dream - and that their adventures outside the boundaries of the palace are going to end in tears.
Thanks for a good read.

AlanMarling wrote 1218 days ago

Dear Debbie Bennett,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. You start on a good foot, meaning the death of Andry. At this point I believe he has some sort of telepathic powers, suppressed by drugs, and I’ll be looking for those powers in his daughter. I’m also curious as to what he did to merit a death sentence. Alesha is already using her powers, though she doesn’t understand them fully, and she hasn’t developed a firm command of them. You quickly begin building sympathy by making your protagonist plain looking (at least by her own assessment) and closeted by her overbearing father. She wakes to a disturbing dream, which turns out to have a prophetic nature. She engages in some energetic dialog with her father, who still thinks of her as a child (more sympathy points). Since he won’t tell her about the man who almost died, of course I want to know about him. You deepen the sympathy by giving her little control of her life and few favorable prospects. This makes me root for her, hoping Falconer will notice her. I see she’s picked up on the drug name, birythial using her powers. I like how you subtly introduce her abilities, and I’m eager to see how it influences her efforts on Falconer, or if she’ll even change that goal.

In my fallible opinion, the hook of “He was one of the Cala” is a bit too much of a leap, since I don’t know what that word means yet.

This small matter aside, I enjoyed your story. Bravo! Backed.

Best wishes,
Alan Marling

Jim Darcy wrote 1252 days ago

Clearly written by someone who knows fantasy and what will appeal to the reading public. Characters are well-rounded and dialogue is believable. If I have a crit it is that too much of the action takes place in people's thoughts, perhaps they need to expound it aloud a little more. Tolkein never once says what is going on in a character's head, their actions tell you. Just a thought. Jim D Serpent's Blood

Troodo wrote 1307 days ago

Blood Ties
Debbie Bennett
Hi Debbie, you are certainly a prolific writer. I decided on Blood Ties because fantasy is my genre, and I was not disappointed. This is a good start to an interesting story, I hope you post more chapters. Your characters are well-defined, and carry the story and plotline along with verve and humour. No nits except the odd long sentence, which I am sure you will cover on the final edit.
Shelved, with the hope of reading more.
Troodo,
The Rose of Gildvadane.
now beginning to gather. – I don’t think you need, around it.

Onthedottedline wrote 1329 days ago

I'm impressed by the way you create a world which is so believable, and characters so real, in only a few sentences. The text is simply bursting with ideas and feelings. You're clearly a very prolific writer, and an intelligent one too, with an amazing imagination. This is very easy-reading, and very scary. Love it. Backed with pleasure. Best wishes, Tony.

Sly80 wrote 1330 days ago

Chilling prologue, Debbie ... hanging is the same, whatever world and time. 'he'd looked inside her, and then he'd died' ... hints at some form of telepathy, and of different origins. "Who told you?" "He didn't die" ... now I want to know who, and what, and why. 'Waiting for a life that was going nowhere' ... her impatience makes her take risks. One of the Cala ... mm. 'but prudence didn't suggest' ... that's quite a tangled sentence. 'three steps ahead of his brain' LOL. 'like a breath of cool night air' ... nice. 'praying it was all a nightmare' ... too confident by half ... it's her age. 'I dare not be seen in this place' ... what's with Falky? 'there was a connection. She was sure of that' ... me too. 'If he wanted to find the girl' ... another mm. 'Falconer leaned against the wall' ... I did wonder. Poor Alesha, imagining Falky is fancying her ... 'she wondered if he was going to kiss her' ... as if. BTW I thought Jereth had decided to take Falconer with them, earlier, but later he seems not to want to.

Are you still writing this, Debbie? I hope so (either that or it's complete). It's brilliant ... oozes tension and excitement, the intrigue, the electric attractions, the fear and deceit ... it would be a great read for adults and young adults alike. Definitely shaping up into one of the best fantasies I've read.

Cathryn Rye wrote 1361 days ago

Hi Debbie,

This is a very confident opening to a fantasy novel. You open with the intrigue of who and what Andry is, and then go on to introduce a whole range of characters within a single chapter without any of them ever feeling forced or crowded. It's a great skill to be able to bring in these elements with such a deft touch.

I liked the relationship between Alesha and her father, and the repeated theme of dreaming/dreams. It all sets up your story well and encourages the reader in. There are obviously some complex themes that will come to the fore in terms of the world-building and history, and I'm looking forward to seeing them unfold.

The opening pitch is intriguing, but I would have liked a wee bit more to encourage me to dive in to it. I understand if the pitch isn't fully formed yet (as the book isn't complete), but perhaps a little more in terms of description would have made it jump out at me. The sentence 'Alesha thinks she has all the answers. But she's about to discover that she hasn't even been asking the right questions' felt....almost YA to me. I struggle to comment on that (particularly when you know how much trouble I have with my own pitch!) but it's my honest thought that you're not doing your story justice with the pitch as it stands.

My only other (minor) issue was with Falconer, and that's purely because his name is so close to Scott Lynch's 'the Falconer' from 'The Lies of Locke Lamora' -- a thoroughly nasty piece of work who deserved exactly what happened to him -- and I had immediate trouble relating to your Falconer as a nice character after that, but that's only my own response :-)

Overall though, this is a slick and well-presented piece of fantasy that a reader can fall straight into, and it goes on my shelf for a spin. I will enjoy reading further, and all the best with 'Blood Ties'.

Cat

Morven wrote 1448 days ago

What a delight !
Blood Ties is fantasy as it should be, beautifully written, believable and tightly plotted.
Exquisite word building, you had me transported instantly to an intriguing new world. One where I wanted to stay, enthralled as the story unfolded. You are a consummate storyteller, Debbie, triggering my imagination and wanting more, especially of the Cala !
Backed with great pleasure.

Heidi Mannan wrote 1470 days ago

You've created a believable world and characters here. Interesting premise coupled with engaging writing. What more can I say? I like this a lot. Giving it a turn on my shelf.

Gadflie wrote 1651 days ago

Ok, I've just started and it's already painful. Since I already know that the book isn't finished, I am having trouble deciding whether to just stop now for a bit to let you finish or to get even more entranced by it and then have to wait.
Decisions, decisions. But I have definitely decided to add it to my watch list.
In other words, very nice beginning. I wish I had time to read more this morning.

Fandelion wrote 1652 days ago

Chapter two: I jotted down some notes as I read. I've pasted them in directly rather than summarising (sorry, they're pretty long). Overall, you've set the situation up well and things are moving along. Nice job keeping us curious about Falconer too.

'squinting against the glare of sunlight' – should probably be obvious the room's bright before he opens his eyes.

Watch comments like - 'His first thought was that the ceiling could do with a coat of paint, but prudence didn't suggest that mentioning the fact would help his situation much.' It's wordy and irrelevant as far as moving the story forward goes, and there's better ways to describe the room within the context of the story. Ie, if the place is miserable and unmaintained, show us its effect on him.

Watch the cliché's such as 'this was serious business' and 'if they thought for one moment' and 'you're out of your depth' 'in no time' etc.

The first nine paragraphs of the conversation between Jareth and the Haran are wordy - you could establish the situation in one or two.

Watch the 'telling'. Ie, 'So this was Haran and every bit as formidable as reputation suggested.' If you have to tell us he'd formidable, you're failing to show us how formidable he really is. Also, watch telling us stuff like – 'As he'd slept, his body had analysed the drug and manufactured the antidote…' Just hinting that exposure would give him a higher tolerance is enough. It's also very scientific the way you put it, which makes it feel very out of place.

Big info dump paragraph starting with 'So that was why they thought he was in the city'. You could probably draw the important bits out in their conversation.

Watch it when you delve into his direct thoughts. It's already his POV, so italicising thoughts really doesn't do anything for the story.

I found myself getting bored during the first part of Alesha's part of the chapter until she got to the bar and started getting into trouble. Big question: why was she there? She obviously hates the company and doesn't like the attention. I think this needs some justification. Boredom isn't enough. Also, you're presenting her as thoroughly ignorant of almost everything surrounding her. Not sure if that's your intention. If it is, it could use some more development as to why she's so ignorant, especially as she sneaks out regularly and rubs shoulders with the 'commoners'. I would assume at least a little 'street smarts' and the ability to blend in a little, especially an ability to deal with the unwanted attention of drunks.

Anyway, all just observations that jumped out at me. Hope it helps.

Cheers
Chris

Fandelion wrote 1654 days ago

Read the prologue and chapter 1. Nice setup. Lots of brewing conflict and a well thought-out world.

Regarding the prologue - not sure if it should be a prologue as it's directly a part of the story rather than a distant event that influences it. You might want to consider renaming it chapter 1. Another possibly would be to remove it and reveal what you need of it through Alesha's dreams and other tidbits of information, keeping us curious and reading on to find out about Alesha's past. As I haven't read on, I don't know how much more of a part Andry plays, which would influence such a decision.

My only real prob however was about half way through chapter 1 where I found myself skipping ahead. That's possibly more of a reflection on my reading habits than your story, but it did slow down at that point. Might be worth taking another look at it with that in mind.

Overall, I think you're on the right track. It would certainly be worth my time reading on to see how the story develops.

Cheers and best of luck,
Chris

Debbie wrote 1660 days ago

Thanks Mary & Patty. Much appreciated!

Mary Edwards wrote 1660 days ago

Hi Debbie,

Just to let you know I've shelved this! I prefer it to Edge of Dreams - just seemed to grab me more.

If you want a more detailed review, just let me know on my home page.

All the best

Mary

Patty wrote 1661 days ago

Debbie,

A couple of days later, I'm still thinking about this book, so I'm putting it on the shelf for a bit.

Debbie wrote 1663 days ago

Thanks again, Patty. Bloody pronouns - other people have mentioned this too, so it's clearly something I need to look at!

Patty wrote 1664 days ago

Chapter 2 comments:

Nice plot developments! Good pace.

I feel I'd like to know a bit more about these Cala - what they are and why people fear them so much.

There is a bit of repetition going on, where the same thought/sentiment is expressed twice in the dialogue. There is some room for trimming here.

Watch pronouns. It's not always clear which him/them you are talking about.

Debbie wrote 1664 days ago

Thanks Patty, much appreciated!

Patty wrote 1664 days ago

Debbie,

Some comments. Overall , I like this. There is plenty of tension and it's well-written.

A few comments, worth what you paid for them:

I think you are being a little bit too coy about the man and his abilities. Is ther perhaps a bit of general gossip about them that the girls can share?

At times, you have a paragraph that comes across as being a tad infodumpy. It happens when you describe some sort of fact about a character or the situation and you stop the foward movement of the story for a number of paragraphs. Usually, the first sentence of the infodump involes the word 'was'. Try to determine what you really need at this stage and move the rest to a later chapter.

Patty wrote 1665 days ago

OK, I'll watchlist this.

LiquidPeppermint wrote 1680 days ago

Great writing. Enjoying it. Shelving.

Debbie wrote 1684 days ago

Thanks Ju & Richard. Should you wish to carry on reading, you hopefully won't get eyestrain now!

Debbie wrote 1684 days ago

For anyone yet to read: I've just re-uploaded in Verdana 12pt which is a bit easier on the eye! Apologies - didn't realise I've got this in 10pt in Word.

Jukav wrote 1684 days ago

I skipped straight to the fantasy. I'm glad to see you've got three books up too.
I love fantasy books but so many are written for children or Young Adults. I read them too but it's nice to have one written so well for adults too.
It flows well and already you build in a concern for the characters. I want to know what's going to happen to them.
I confess I've only read the first chapter but I will be back to read the rest very soon.

ju x

Debbie wrote 1686 days ago

Thanks for that. Glad you enjoyed it!

Naranda85 wrote 1686 days ago

Your story is engaging, I love the traditional fantasy and the writing instantly takes me into the book; I can see the characters clearly, understand them, and almost feel the world around them. I like it :)

Sadly, that's the best I can put together for a passable comment on a good story

Debbie wrote 1701 days ago

Thanks for that, Simon. I confess that as this is the only "work in progress" that I have uploaded, that I have no synopsis or even a clear idea where it's heading. So I wrote the pitch in less than 30 seconds just to get the thing uploaded, which is completely the wrong approach I know! I will put some work into it when I can tear myself away from this site for long enough!

Debbie

4dprefect wrote 1703 days ago

Confident, assured writing and - after the prologue and chapter 1 - I did feel like I wanted to read more - but the small font on the screen just isn't making very good friends with my eyes. Very much in the traditional fantasy vein, but I wonder if proclaiming that in the pitch is a good advert. If I were you, I'd leave that to the genre heading and use the proclaim this book's specific qualities.

Debbie wrote 1722 days ago

Ginger - have had another look at Coombe's Wood - see the comments.

I must summon up sufficient energy/interest to carry on writing this one. As Jan suggested, maybe I need to kill somebody off to get it moving again! I actually had editorial interest in this once upon a time - I used to send it to Orion periodically for feedback. But then, as is the way with these things, she left the company...

Ginger wrote 1722 days ago

Debbie, I like the blurb for this novel, I shall be back later to have a proper read. For now, I’ll pop you on my watchlist so I don’t forget! I’ve spent the summer mulling over your comments on Coombe’s Wood, and decided you were right about the first chapter. If you have time, could you scan the chapter and let me know if you think it works better?
Lisa

Debbie wrote 1726 days ago

Thanks, Pathie. Now my nerves are stablised with my sex-and-drugs thriller I will go and read some more of other work on this site....

Pathie wrote 1727 days ago

this is my first comment on this site. i like this book and will continue to read

Jan wrote 1731 days ago

Two ways to get re-nvolved in an epic like this are:

a/ kill one of the characters off - that always gets reader and writer on their feet
b/ introduce a new character who can introduce a fresh dynamic/viewpoint

May not work of course but worth trying one or both?

Debbie wrote 1732 days ago

S&S fantasy. Of course it is. I totally lost that description somewhere in my brain and couldn't figure out how to tag this. Will go and sort that out! The big problem I have with this one is that I'm almost 70,000 words in and I've totally lost the momentum. It's not writer's block as such, I just can't get sufficiently involved with the characters to care what happens to them! I'm sure I'll work it out eventually! Deb

Jan wrote 1732 days ago

Good writing - as always. Been a while since I have read any 'sword and sorcery' fantasy' but this is great. I love the first line. Its a cracker. Read up to chapter 5 - which is about all I can manage at one time online

Will get back to more soon...

Debbie wrote 1736 days ago

Hmm - interesting. Trouble is if I don't reveal it in chapter 7, I lose a POV character since I can't write from that POV without revealing it, as it would be cheating in my opinion!

I'll bear that in mind, thanks. What I will probably do when the thing is actually finished, is draw out a list of the different POVs and try to balance them out across the novel. That might then be the place to see when/how I can make some changes. Writing in multiple POVs isn't something I've done before (I normally stick to 2) so it's all a learning curve!

Thanks for your thoughts - very useful.

debbie

Stranger Aeons. wrote 1736 days ago

Hi Debbie, I've read the extra chapters now.

I have to say, I didn't like what was revealed in Chapter 7 (remaining cryptic to avoid spoilers). I think that it could have had a lot more of an impact if it had been revealed slightly later in the story and, to me, it ruined the flow of the story a little bit. Only temporarily though.

I really look forward to reading more.

Stranger Aeons. wrote 1737 days ago

Cool, I'll read when I'm more conscious.

The upload functions seems to be a bit screwy right now. I tried to upload a book privately and it died because I uploaded it as one long chapter.

Hope you don't have any more problems with it. I'll come back to this tomorrow, probably.

Debbie wrote 1738 days ago

Thank you. I've added a few more chapters - had a few problems with the upload originally, but I think I've sorted it now.

Stranger Aeons. wrote 1738 days ago

You advertised it as traditional fantasy and that's what this is; good, solid, traditional fantasy. The characters are interesting and the plot engaging.

Your writing is almost flawless and very polished. I enjoyed reading it very much.

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