The Woman by the Sea

I couldn't stand it. This story is too good. You've got me hooked, a hard thing to do. Backed. Starred. Amazing.

The Woman by the Sea has a lyrical narrative voice, which is unusual and very attractive for a ghost story. I think the short prologue is very effective, and the only thing that gave me pause was the line "fire...tickled our feet." Somehow I couldn't imagine fire tickling (but maybe that's just me). In the first chapter, I met Saira as she and her mother arrive at the grandmother's (Nana's) house after they've run away from Saira's father. There's excellent atmosphere in the chapter, even some quirky humor (loved the comparison that Nana was not quite so Cruella), but what makes this book so readable is the fluid first-person narrative that I think hits the author's target audience immediately. The ending sentence is stunning: time will eventually bring us back home.

Would I read on if I picked up this book at random in a bookstore, or read this chapter as an electronic sample? Yes, I believe I would. It's written better than much YA fiction, and I don't have the feeling that I've inadvertently stepped into yet another teen horror story.

I believe you have a great future ahead of you as a writer - and this book deserves high stars.

Lizzi
(Out of Sync)

This is possibly my favourite piece of YA fiction on the site. It's lyrical, beautifully written with stunning prose. I'm glad I'm stopping at chapter 3 (or 5 according to the breakdown) because I want to wait until it's published to read the whole thing. You write with such enviable confidence. Rich, poetic descriptions like 'the breeze blew and kissed my face'. My only nitpick was you don't need a comma after limber in Chapter 1/3. And that's the extent of my criticism. This is very atmospheric and I look forward to the day it is in print.
Carl
The Time hunters

I think this is powerful writing. No corpses, no sexy strip scenes, just the real, hairy monsters of life. Most of us will never, thankfully, walk into the livingroom and find a dead body shot full of bulleet holes. Many more of us will face the kinds of tensions presented here, and the author does the presenting so well, the telling details, the specific, concrete actions that speak (I held onto the cup so tightly ..., etc.). You created realistic characters that we can care about because they are dealing with the ultimate and very realistic conflicts of life, and you have a good balance between what you reveal and what you leave to tantalize us into reading further.

Dear Marissa,

The arrangement is that we read what other writers make available to us to read. If it's good, we look forward to reading the rest and we say so. But we accept that that's all we're getting until the book is published. So why do I feel cheated, hard done by, unfairly denied when I couldn't read any more of The Woman by the Sea? I had to think about this for a bit and I know why. The chunk of emotion that your story claimed goes way beyond what any other story I've read so far has done. Having opened the emotions of a whole book, while only providing the closure of a 'taster', I was left both highly awakened and desperately hungry. This is stunningly good writing and the rule is that if that's the case, then I'm supposed to feel happy, but I can't shake off the feeling that I've somehow been tricked. I realise that because I'm being so inarticulate, there's the danger that I could be misunderstood. Please let me make it clear that this book reached parts that no other book that I've read here has yet done, parts that leave me needing to read the rest, rather than merely wanting to. You now have a responsibility to finish it and get it published so that I can lay a ghost to rest.

Your book will remain on my shelf until such time...

Thank you for the experience.

Anjuli

I'm often accused of including too much description in my writing, so reading something like this where the reader is offered delicious little details about everything is a very satisfying reading experience for me. As a description junkie, I'm glad to be in such good company on the site!
Saira is believeable, ordinary and witty enough to be universally sympathetic, but I particularly relate to her as someone who rebelled agianst her mother's hedonism by being the sensible one. She makes a refreshing YA protagonist in this sense. I like the nice variety of characters she befriends as well - you suggest in subtle ways that they have very different yet complimentary characters (witht the exception of Paige of course!) as all stong groups of friends should do. I also appreciated the Mean Girls references immensely, as I'm sure the entirety of your target readership will do!
I only read to the end of Chapter 5 so I haven't got into much of the ghosty stuff yet, but I really liked the use of thye prologue for setting up this focus and establishing an atmosphere that is nicely maintained with the chilly Cornish weather and the imposing school. So far the main points of interest have been more mundane: Saira's relationship with her Mum and complicated feelings about her wayward father etc. This is all done very well, but it does lead me to my main criticism, which is that the story seems to be moving a tad slowly for me. I'm five chapters in, and I feel like I've only just reached the beginning of the narrative proper. Everything that comes before is just protracted setup.
My reading reccomendations for you would be 'Looking for Alaska', by John Green and 'What I Was' by Meg Rosoff. Both of these books have a first person teenage narrator who goes to a new school in new surroundings and meets lots of new characters, all of which is conveyed to the reader vivdly but succinctly without holding the break-neck pace of the narrative back. The Rosoff book might be particularly helpful as it also has an eerie coastal setting.
I'm also starting to wonder what sets this apart from other YA ghost stories. Obviously I haven't read far enough to judge this properly yet, but maybe try to think about what this story needs to make it stand out from the crowd?
The final general note I have to make is that old writing cliche: show, don't tell. In literature, as in life, actions speak louder than words. Don't make the reader take your word for it - let them see for themselves what each of Saira's new acquaintances is like. One example: "Beautiful she may have been, but Paige was a bitch." The reader can work this out for themselves from everything they've been shown so far.

I also jotted down couple of specific notes
"always filled with laughs and smiles" I might be wrong but I feel liked this should be 'laughter'.
Again I might be wrong here, but according to my knowledge Catholic school only accept Catholic pupils. It is of course common for non-religious families to feign devoutness in order to get their kids into a good school, so I think you should make it clear whether Saira is religious or not, and perhaps hint at the situation the other girls are in too. Saira's spiritual beliefs or lack thereof would affect her take on the ghostly events of the story as well.
"They say the lost see the woman by the sea most clearly [...] She is a reflection of themselves." I love this - beautiful.

Overall, a charming and tantalising read.

Rachel
The Diver's Brilliant Bow

Lovely, enchanting prose. Hopefully I'll have a chance to read more soon, but what I've read tells me it's beautiful.
High stars and good luck.

Edward Gardner
The Black Dionysia

The prologue is a perfect start, intriguing and lyrical. If I picked it up and read that page in a bookstore, I wouldn't even bother reading any farther. I'd be buying it.
I like the description of the grandma.
I felt like the tense conversation between the grandmother and the mother seems a little forced, not quite natural. But maybe that's just me, or maybe that's what you were going for.
"There may be some old ghosts floating around" - I love this.
I also felt like Lydia's speech is a little inconsistent. When she says "I reckon they should be more picky" and "We best get inside" when Saira first meets her, she comes off as a little bit country, whereas the rest of the time her language seems more british.
I like the relationship between the mother and daughter, and how shes interested in her mother's happiness. I feel like there are more than enough YA books out there about teens who don't get along with their parents, so it's nice to see.
I've made it through the first two chapters, and I like it so far. I think it speaks to your writing skills that there hasnt been a whole lot of action yet, but you still kept my interest.
Overall, very interesting and I will certainly be back for more.
Stacy

Hi there,

You write very well, although maybe reduce the number of adjectives by 30-40% (not every noun requires an interesting, well-selected adj.) It will make your (good) prose style a little tighter too.

More importantly though, I'm not quite feeling in Ch1 and Ch2 the dramatic urgency suggested by the prologue. It's like "here comes something weird and exciting" and then we get a rather domestic situation. Have you considered starting the novel at a more fundamentally dramatic point, and then executing some flashbacks? Best
TSWS

I was inspired to read this book as I have produced my own 'ghost' story - 21 grams. I have only read the first chapter of your novel so far, but i must say it is wonderfully written. You set the scene in a superb manner, and your descriptions are delightful. I must say i am looking forward to reading more.

This is interesting. I'm certainly drawn to read more, and I find myself sympathising with the main character and with both her parents, even though there are clearly revelations to come. Saira gives a convincing and immediately recognisable description of the unpleasantness of being moved to a new town and school in her teens - even mundane tasks such as unpacking, or her first tutor session, invite feelings of misery and denial.

Chapter 1: "the stench of lavender." Lavender scent is generally supposed to be pleasant, so i deduce that you are making a deliberate contrast in this phrase. However, Saira is outside at the time and even if the garden was awash in lavender it wouldn't be a strong smell. Later in the chapter it becomes clear that she doesn't like the scent and that she associates it with her grandmother's house. How about implying something about her grandmother:
'the old-lady scent of lavender. Even a slight whiff on the damp air made me choke.' Or about Saira:
'the unpleasant smell of lavender. So different from home. The thought raised memories that I wasn't yet ready to confront.'
I think it's vital to get your first paragraph just right, as it's the shop window that invites the reader to decide whether to go in and inspect the merchandise.

Chapter 2: "the illusive coma remark." Illusive = illusionary/imaginary, cf allusive = previously referred/alluded to. I suspect you mean allusive here.

Paige fiddling with her eyelash curlers. Girls like Paige create their mystique by appearing perfect at all times. She will make sure she looks exactly as she wishes before she enters the room - she never gives away the tricks of her trade. Whatever she's doing at the back of the room, it won't be fixing her eyelashes. If she can get away with it, she is probably illicitly checking text messages or her Facebook status.

Logan's eyes: don't give us too much information at once: 'They were a sort of bluey-green, but not quite turquoise...in fact, I'm not sure there's even a name for that colour.'
You can find another opportunity (I'm sure Logan's going to appear again) to tell us more. E.g. 'the slanting sunlight across the bay caught Logan's face: today his eyes were more grey than blue, although as he looked down at me the light called up a hint of turquoise in their depths.'

I'll give you more feedback when I've had the chance to read more. But I'm liking it so far - very happy to back it. Good luck, Yvonne.

Beautiful story. I absolutely love the focus on lavender at the beginning. Sense of smell is very powerful, and my grandmother ALWAYS smelled like it, so it really hit home.

You did a good job introducing the characters and their history in a way that wasn't flat or boring. The only thing I can think of adding/changing would be a more engaging hook. However, I am only on the first chapter, which is usually slow anyways. I plan on reading more because I'm hooked...Even though I just said you needed a more engaging hook...

Hmm...

Never mind then. Good job. I'll leave another comment if I can think of anything helpful to say.

:-}

Good strong poetic opening.

Once the book starts in earnest (chapter 3) the style loses some of its force, but that could be easily straightened out with a bit of trimming and editing.

I will read on.

Alex

Marissa...this simply blew me away. You write with such ease, the conversations flowing without a hitch. You come to relate to Saira...and feel for the life she's caught up in with her parents problems taking her so far from home. The ghost is believable...and I don't doooooooooo spooky...but you swept me up and carried me along in spite of that. I'm glad to have stumbled upon this...and no doubt it will hit the desk quickly. Six stars and a want for the rest...
linda
Mighty Fine...the polar opposite of yours! (lol)

I love a good ghost story and must say this one does it. You write so well I found myself running with Saira and her mother to the grandmothers place. I love the bits of humour throughout.
Well done! I've given this book high stars and hope to get back and read more.
MC
Exposed

Hi Marissa
I am not your intended audience, but I've enjoyed what I've read so far. Your first chapter has set the scene beautifully, with Saira and her mother going to live with Nana. I enjoy reading first person stories so this really appealed to me. There is nothing I can critiqe in what I've read so far, as you have done an excellent job of editing. High stars from me and on my WL. My stories are a lot different to your. They are aimed at children as the title Tales for Children says. Though adults like to read them too. So if you fancy something different then please give them a try. I'm sure you'll enjoy them.
Thanks in advance.
Brian.

Hi
I enjoyed the read. I read the first 3 chapters and they entertained. I think you have a good story here. C1 is fine; c2 I think ought to be made shorter and sharper. With too many repeated words there is a loss of emphasis. Merely keeping to the point make the danger more impending and the reader wondering. C3 is long . Wondered if 'skipping ' was the correct word to use when carrying luggage. Doesn't quie hit the target. However one major thing I noticed was the use of scenes. When a scene changes it might be better to start a new chapter. This is a YA so it is acceptable to do that. By using a scene properly it is possible to stop the reader being distracted. Instead the reader might want to know more and eagerly turn the pages. IMO
Need to know what #Inner Conflict drives the characters introduced so far in the plot, what they say about each other and what actions good or bad they have done in the past.
Best
Cleveland
House of the Skull Drum, a MG adventure.

Hi
I enjoyed the read. I read the first 3 chapters and they entertained. I think you have a good story here. C1 is fine; c2 I think ought to be made shorter and sharper. With too many repeated words there is a loss of emphasis. Merely keeping to the point make the danger more impending and the reader wondering. C3 is long . Wondered if 'skipping ' was the correct word to use when carrying luggage. Doesn't quie hit the target. However one major thing I noticed was the use of scenes. When a scene changes it might be better to start a new chapter. This is a YA so it is acceptable to do that. By using a scene properly it is possible to stop the reader being distracted. Instead the reader might want to know more and eagerly turn the pages. IMO
Need to know what #Inner Conflict drives the characters introduced so far in the plot, what they say about each other and what actions good or bad they have done in the past.
Best
Cleveland
House of the Skull Drum, a MG adventure.

Hi
I enjoyed the read. I read the first 3 chapters and they entertained. I think you have a good story here. C1 is fine; c2 I think ought to be made shorter and sharper. With too many repeated words there is a loss of emphasis. Merely keeping to the point make the danger more impending and the reader wondering. C3 is long . Wondered if 'skipping ' was the correct word to use when carrying luggage. Doesn't quie hit the target. However one major thing I noticed was the use of scenes. When a scene changes it might be better to start a new chapter. This is a YA so it is acceptable to do that. By using a scene properly it is possible to stop the reader being distracted. Instead the reader might want to know more and eagerly turn the pages. IMO
Need to know what #Inner Conflict drives the characters introduced so far in the plot, what they say about each other and what actions good or bad they have done in the past.
Best
Cleveland
House of the Skull Drum, a MG adventure.

Great prologue. Just who is the woman by the sea?
You have developed an elegant prose here and achieved quite an addictive writing style. You seem to throw words in at random whereas the rest of us are pulling our hair out trying to come up with something suitable to make a proper sentence, such as....."Anyway, this is home." "Your home," I reminded her.......lovely.

I love the three female characters, grandmother, mother and daughter. All of them are strong, kind and trying to do the right thing now that their circumstances have changed.

I'm just wondering about the lavender. I take it Saira does not like it. It's mentioned again further on in the story and I get the same impression. It seems stifling to saira. She feels smothered by the scent. It's just that lavender is used as a relaxant and some people even spray some drops of it onto their pillow to ensure a restful sleep. When you say the "stench" of lavender it makes it seem as if lavender is horrible....then again it probably is to some people so don't worry about me rambling on.

Great description of Lydia in chapter two.

She and this paige obviously had history and I found my self rather interested by it......myself is all the one word.

In chapter three.....should this house be his house as in.....He saw her. Always. Constantly. It got so bad that soon he could not leave "this" house. And then when he saw her in his house......I'm not sure if you meant this or his in the sentence.

Very thought provoking questions at the end of this chapter......Really good.

Love it. Well done. Lots of stars.

Alice.

I am a new author and would greatly appreciate a quick read it is only 5 chapters and think it a an a decent story so far and will return all reads will give me a chance. I am looking more for pointers than anything else if you love great, but if not please tell me all the same I WILL return the read and back it if I like it. Thanks David It is called Forsaken a not so human man who banished himself to the shadows for 60 years until now. Please consider I am new here and anything would be appreciated.

Dear Marissa

I have read up to chapter 6 and had mixed feelings. First of all I was impressed by the writing and by the atmosphere you manage to create through your descriptive language and your characterisation. You definitely have the ability to draw the reader in and hook their attention. I was struck, however, by similarities to Twilight: the female character returning to a place she doesn't want to to to, the breakdown of her parents' marriage, new school and school friends, meeting a boy, strange stories on a beach about something supernatural . . . That being said, your actual writing style was not derivative and no doubt you move away from anything Twilightish because you are presumably not having vampires!

Congratulations on getting up to 100. I think you need to network more to get up to the top 5. I notice that you have not posted a comment for a very long time, and that was negative. A little PR goes a long way and should get you up there - you deserve it.

Kathryn

The prologue caught my attention, but I was quickly let down with the first chapter. Being a ghost story, I guess I expected an incident of sorts that made me want to keep reading to find out what happened, but instead I get divorce and moving. This first chapter has a bit of a "lose the reader with details" feel. I've had to reread a few times.

I am a little confused about the first paragraph. Is she arriving at her grandmother's house or at an airport?

The mud puddle phrase may read better without "to be" in "what felt like to be an entire mud puddle." Try it out and see what you think.

Again, here "the entire front lawn boasted what seemed to be" but just try it. I suppose it could be part of the character's voice, but it distracts me as a reader. I want to ask her well is it or isn't it? I don't know. It seems off.

Seems that there's some overuse of the words "change" and "contemplate" that distract me. Should you try to use a synonym for them when they are so closely used within the same area?

Obviously this is set in England, so it may just be cultural difference, but is she really just feeling like "taking a nap" at eleven at night?

There are some words missing here and there, mostly articles or helping verbs as here "I call back another time."

I'm going to read on later. I hope these bits of editorial help.

P. G. Shriver, The Gifted Ones, The Dream (Book two in the series)

Hi Marissa,
After reading your interesting pitch, I delved into your book and read the first four chapters to have a feel of your story and writing style in general.

The short prologue was neat and strong, and the transition to your first-person voice in the first chapter is masterfully executed.

The dialogue parts are well thought out, and I think the descriptions are balanced on a logarithmic scale. This pattern is my favorite as a reader, as it allows me to absorb the backstory of the characters, while the dialogue scenes move the plot further.

Since non of us can finish a book from beginning to end, I look forward to getting back to The Woman by the Sea soon, and read a few random chapters.

High stars and in my Watch List for further comments.
Best wishes,
Lucette-Ten Deep Footprints

This is wonderful writing, very carefully crafted, so unusual in this age of slap-dash ebooks. I enjoy it and continue to read...

really enjoyed what I've read so far... your descriptions are great - particularly enjoyed the intro to Paige

it's an addictive story and I hope to read more soon!

Jaclyn x
It Never Happened

Marissa, I got so caught up in reading The Woman by the Sea that I had to get myself a supply of snacks and drinks so that I could read to the end of what you've written!

This is one of the gems on authonomy - a real joy to read. I loved the atmosphere of the beach party, the beautiful, yet sinister, ghostly figure of Annie Filer and the astute observations which come across in the way you paint the broken mother and the demise of Saira. The characterisation is superb.

YA fiction is not a genre that I've ever dipped into, but the idea of ghostly happenings in Cornwall drew me in. What a lucky turn of events. I would have hated to miss this one!

I wish you the best of luck with it. Please finish it. I am sure it will do very well!

Helen
Glass Dreams

Hi Marissa,
I just stumbled across your book.

It looks GOOD!

I'm adding it to my watchlist and will leave a comment as soon as I get round to reading it.

Helen
Glass Dreams

Marissa, you maybe 21, but you write with a maturity way beyond your years. I only had time to read to the end of 3, but had to comment. Immediately this has a quality feel to it. Intelligently written. From the outset, it is very atmospheric, almost haunting, certainly intriguing. The structuring; the phrasing; the dialogue…I cannot fault. This is very promising and I will read more, especially since it’s set in one of my favourite counties, Cornwall. High stars. Well done. David Blackdene – DON’T LOOK BACK

I have read the first four chapters and so far so good. Saira has a similar feel to her as the lead in Twilight and in general - to me at least - your style is similar to that of Miss Myers. You've managed to incorporate typical British humor found in situations of hardship - such as how Saira clearly didn't want to move to her new home, creating an atmosphere we all can relate to.

The good: Your dialogue is good, the teenagers use slang I remember from school and it seems realistic without going overboard on the swearing. You're building the story at a good pace making readers want to continue reading and overall - so far - have produced a story that would go down well in the vast YA market.

The bad: I found sometimes the narrative could have been trimmed to allow the reading to flow at another gear, my personal reading preferences are to cut waffle to a minimum and here and there - for me - sentences have gone on a little longer than needed.

Would I buy and read this book? Yes - I know my wife would love it and with a little work, editing and trimming - and assuming the story continues as well as the beginning - this could certainly be picked up. Good stars and backing.

I love the way you start this book, you grab the attention of the reader instantly. Your writing style is gripping and it doesn't take long for the reader to want more. Your description is done excellently, not too much, not too little. You've got a brilliant premise! Highly starred and backed.

S.C.
Prisoner 139

I'm adding you to my watch list so I can finish reading. Your pitches are very good. It made me want to read your story to see what you had going on. Nice...storylline and characterization.--emarie Jackson Jacob Henry Brown, III

I found the prologue a fantastic hook. It was almost hypnotic, so that when the 'normal' chapters began I felt somewhat cheated. Its not that they are not good, but I wanted the mysterious feeling to continue and carry me through. However, once I'd adjusted to that, I enjoyed the what I read.
Andrea
The de Amerley Affair

I have to agree. Very professional and spot on. I would buy this book and enjoy every minute my time reading it. I cant argue with this style of writing. Someone here has already said how you have put so much effort into this book. Well done. I will be giving this top marks.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. Please consider me for your Wish List wont you? Many thanks Sean

So I was scanning through the website and saw your one-line pitch and was hooked. And then I read your short pitch, and was hooked again. And then I got into the novel, and found your writing just as good. Your writing feels very "real," with just enough descriptive detail interspersed with catching dialogue. Love it!

You have been working hard on this and your effort is showing dividends. Your MC is rounding off very well and engages the reader much more quickly. I am not a fan of swearing ususally but it works to add a layer of realism to the story which contrasts nicely with the ghostly bits. Well done :)

It was drawn into your story straight away and loved some of your descriptions like the first sighting of' Nana as well as your other characters, Lydia and Soloman. I like how you gave away snippets of information slowly regarding the unresolved problems of Saira and her mother left behind. it really motivating the reader to read more.

I think certain phrases could be changed to make them more unimaginative e.g. the shit hits the fan, The world was my oyster, and maybe I should grow a pair and accept it.

Good luck,

Carol

'The Woman by the Sea' certainly compels the reader to read more. Snippets of what unresolved problems Saira and her mother had left behind keeps you on your toes.

I particularly liked your descriptions of Nana, with her ghastly make-up, as well as Lydia and Soloman.

I would try and use more imaginative ways instead of writing, 'the shit hits the fan,' and 'may be I should grow a pair.'

Good luck,

Carol

Hi Marissa, i've just got to the end of your upload and absolutely loved it. The story is gripping and you're building the suspense up at a perfect pace - i can't wait to read more.
The only construction feedback i can give is that you need a little bit of polishing with the punctuation and spelling (but only a little bit) eg. you're using hypens instead of the longer n-dash, and there's the occasional word such as 'taught' instead of 'taut'. I'm afraid I can't find any criticism about the writing or story itself - it's excellent and I'm sure you'll do very well.
Saira is well-rounded and completely believable - reading her story, I felt like a teenager again for the first time in 20 years! i especially liked your descriptions of her feelings getting drunk for the first time - very evocative and very cleverly written - I sympathised perfectly and am very happy to continue to back the book.
Once again, well done, you have a fantastic story here
Karen x
An Ill Wind
http://authonomy.com/books/48436/an-ill-wind/

Hi Marissa, I'm really enjoying 'The Woman by the Sea' - I've read two chapters so far, and had to back it - I'm very much looking forward to reading the rest. The writing is excellent and just flows - I'm invested in the characters already and am excited to see how they develop. I also have to commend you on your unusual first chapter - it's very brave and absolutely works - well done!
Karen
An Ill Wind

Hello. I'm enjoying your story. Just a question. In chap 4, just before the second break. You wrote:
"Well if I don't get in now- I'll be late for work" Wouldn't just a coma do the job there? Also I read your comments and one of them said your chapters are too long. I don't agree, but if you wanted you could always number your breaks. Anyways, it's only a matter of opinion. You could leave it and it would still be a wicked story. Keep it up and have a good one. Oh yeah, I thought the Hugh Jackman - dad part was kinda funny.

This is wonderful. Lyrical, harmonious and menacing. Backed. And thank you.

Marissa

I have read the first two chapters and am really enjoying this. You write with a distinctive voice and have a wonderful use of imagery. The Prologue really pulled me in which is exactly what it should do.

In chapter one you hint at the past, a good technique to get the reader to want to know more. 'It was my new home and everything had changed'. You don't rush with the backstory but gradually drip feed it, like the call Saira receives from her father at the end of chapter one.

You give some great descriptions - I particularly liked your suggestion that the sea, waves and sand were Earth's version of heaven.

Chapter two opens with St Mary's Convent School. You describe the building clearly so that I could really picture it. I like Lydia, a strong character with attitude. The dialogue between the girls is believable and flows well.

Paige is another well-drawn character. I like Saira referring to her as 'unreasonably beautiful'.

'... as I ran through the echoes of a previous storm.' Another great description.

And then there is the gorgeous Logan - a love interest for Saira.

You have a definite talent for writing. This has a fresh feel to it and I shall certainly be back to read more.

High stars and hoping it continues to climb the rankings

Debbie
'Speedy McCready'

I love ghost stories and this is a good one. You write well and I only saw a few errors that didn't distract from your good flow. I think that you should look at some sections that may not be important to the story line and could be deleted to help tighten up the story. There seems to me a lot of extra stuff to read that means nothing to the plot, however, I don't know how it ends so I may be wrong. the extra dialogue did seem to make it drag to me. I also think the chapters are long, where you have breaks in the chapters it could be a new chapter.

Good start.

Abby

Hi Marissa,
I enjoyed reading the first four chapters of The Woman by the Sea...I think you did a great job by introducing Nana and Grandpa from the very beginning. It also added more flavor when you helped us visualize the atmosphere at St. Mary's Convent School. I like reading books that fuse insight in advance. Miss Solomon, Lydia, Mr. Hughes, Gwen and Paige seems like interesting characters, as well.

One question, though...
It was the Earth's version of heaven. That was if heaven existed.
Is this your POV or Saira's? If it's the MC's, then I get the impression of a -relatively- existing disbelief on heaven...does she think like that because her parents thought it or not...

I will come back with more comments as I read on,
Best wishes,
LCF QUARTET, Lucette
Ten Deep Footprints

This is very poetically written, I haven't got as far as the ghost yet but the setting of the scene works well; the damp cold of Cornwall in winter and Saira's lost feeling and a sort of dreamy feel. The stench of lavender conveys her feelings well despite her valiant efforts to pretend that all is well for her mother's sake. The contrast with her younger self running on the beach in summer is really effective. It comes over very strongly that her unsettled feelings are going to make her vulnerable and receptive to emotional influences even if they are supernatural. The dialogue with mother and grandmother and with her father on the phone is convincing as is the school scene. It is very smooth and atmospheric. I enjoyed the prologue on the beach but I think you need 'tired of' not 'tiresome' there.
I think this would work well for a YA audience, the pace is good and it is gripping though it is well written rather than trendy.
High stars.

Smoothly written. Unfortunately didn't get to the ghost part as only time for the first chapter, but enjoyed the struggle captured in Saira - felt trapped for her! Very good. Stars and backing. Good luck.

Lovely story. Moving and well written. Five stars. Backed.

This is an interesting piece of work, with some things I loved and others that I wrestle with. Top of my list of strengths would be the overall voice, and the writing in general is strong, fluid and well put together. The dialog rings true as do the characters. Critique-wise, the part that tripped me up the most was the prologue. It's lyrical, poetic, and atmospheric, but it got too tangled up in itself somehow for me. I couldn't see the fire tickling feet, and I think the boys were tired of, not tiresome of, the monotony. I presumptuously tried to sort it out for myself, and if I was to rework it I'd consider something more like this: (Please feel free to ignore me at any point! This is just my inner editor coming out!)
The ocean rippled hypnotically, and the bonfire crackled, delivering from the outside what Gin and vodka delivered from within. The cold sand felt good around my feet, and I could have just sat and watched the flames, but the boys squealed for ghost stories and he gave into the pressure, relaying the ghostly events of Moors cottage in a chilling tone. Before that night, I’d never heard of the woman by the sea, but once I’d heard it her story stayed with me. Indeed, it was a tale I would never be able to forget.

That being said, as I mentioned there's plenty to like here. The overall work is great storytelling, worthy of high praise. Best of luck with this!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

The Woman By The Sea

I’ve read the first chapter (and obviously the preceding short two). I like that your MC is displaced from the beginning. She is somewhere simultaneously familiar and alien. She is a teenager now but remembers this place as a child. There’s something unsettling about the in-between-ness of Saira’s situation before the ghost in your pitch has even made its first appearance.

The dialogue is particularly good, and Saira’s relationships with her mum and Nana are believable. Something has happened between her mum and dad, and the telephone conversation at the end of this chapter is uncomfortable to read. Saira’s family situation is as intriguing as the promise of the supernatural.

I was a bit confused about one element. It is set in Cornwall but is Saira in fact from the US? She doesn’t call her mother “Mom” but some of her expressions are American. I’ve noted a couple below.

“three degrees out” A Brit would say “three degrees outside.”

“different than I remembered” This is also quite an American expression. If Saira is from the UK, she’d probably use “different from how I remembered” or “different to how I remembered..”

This is a well-written piece with atmospheric descriptions and Saira is a nicely drawn main character. She’s as isolated as the landscape - perfect for a spooky tale.

I’ve noted a few things that didn’t quite work for me, but nothing major.

“but wasn’t due to the fact that she seemed to have taken my advice from last time,” I had to re-read this sentence. It could do with another comma, I think, otherwise it reads as though it wasn’t due to Saira’s advice but due to something else instead.

“..though the heat was strangely welcomed..” This might be better as “though, strangely, I welcomed the heat” to avoid the passive voice.

“…tightly in panic, that it burned me” Doesn’t need the comma.

“as soon as she realised…she eventually” These two bits of information jar a bit. “as soon as” sounds quick, and “eventually” doesn’t.

“and retreated upstairs to find my room.” This sounds like Saira has gone upstairs on her own to escape the conversation between Nana and her mum. But then Nana is there with her, which I didn’t expect, telling her how she’ll be able to make it feel like home.

“I wouldn’t want to test it.” I loved this bit - made me laugh out loud.

“genuinely honest” I don’t think “genuinely” adds anything. What other kind of honesty is there?

“but this has come across like a miracle.” I don’t understand what this means.

“The beach with it’s rolling waves…” Should be “its”.

I’m going to leave this on my watch list with the intention of coming back for more. It’s a strong start and I’m looking forward to finding out what happens next. Highly starred.

Lucy

WOMAN BY THE SEA
This is an interesting story. I like the way you begin with a hint about the Woman by the Sea. The idea Saira is moving into her grandmother’s house by the ocean and close to the legend is good plotting. Lends an ominous air to the story. Saira’s first day at school is interesting, particularly her conclusion about Paige. I think you’ll find an audience for this among young adults; they’ll related easily to your main character and want to follow her story. I’m starring this highly and adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

What a compelling blend of genres - at times so tender and poetic - at others blunt and in your face. The sense of atmosphere is at times stunning - and then we find ourselves back in a bleaker, empty reality. Not a genre I would ordinarily pick out - but a real priviledge to read.

High stars

Keith Gilbey
Peppermint

I just rediscovered this book, which has been a favourite for a long time and sitting on my watchlist for a long time . Really enjoying having another read of it. I'm away for a week tomorrow, but really must (re?) shelve this on my return.
Cariad.

Hi Marrissa,

'...until the past became the memory of a bad day - as trivial as losing a penny.'

It was this turn of phrase early on that pulled me into reading more as I randomly surfed through the site. It struck me as the mark of someone who has natural ability. The skill to manipulate language in a lyrical and precise (not purple and trying to hard) way. So I read on.

The narrative voice was excellent. I really liked the central protagonist. She had depth and warmth and I like the idea of her navigating a new/ familiar world. It gives her an independence and idiosyncracy vital for any first person story (think of the greats; Haulden Cawfield, Pip in Great Expectations, the bloke in the Great Gatsby.....etc. It's easy for the first person narrative, which relies on the internal world of one charater much more than other forms of narrative to comes across as cliched. Banal observations in an even more banal way. But not here.

There was a nice unravalling of the back story also, although I can't comment on the full extent as I would have to read the whole book. but early doors, just enough (the divorce and the reason for the move, the holidays etc.)

Gerat evocation of landscape (although Cornwall does lend itself to description) It felt light and breezy, a touch surreal. As it should.

Another very lyrical line....'...the eerie building stood tall and unfazed by my fear.' Nice.

Slow build before the ghost story on the beach. Characterisation first. I like that. Gives the book depth and purpose. One of my pet hates is the instant hook and bish bosh bash!

OK you proven that you can write to high degree. But i reckon you could do better with a bit of polish (in my opinion).

Although the language is lyrical, and has great flow, it can sometimes go a little too far. Over egging the pudding. e.g.)..Earths version of heaven... etc. or ...barren desert of artistic promise... To me they felt a little forced and detracted from the whole, peotic feel. A little too purple? It's not a major thing but restraint is as important as flourish.

Also, you could shed one or two of the 'little words'. especially at the begining of the sentances. e.g.) And without another word I put the phone down. (And?)

Chapter three/ four? a sentance starts with 'Of course' and another with 'Thankfully'. My opinion is that you should just go straight in. No need to qualify.

Apologies if this crit was presumptious, but I feel you have potential as a writer.

Backed for now. Cheers D.