Book Jacket

 

rank 2622
word count 15732
date submitted 27.08.2008
date updated 10.02.2009
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Horror, Crime
classification: moderate
complete

The Room

Gavin Bell

Rear Window on the internet. With a twist.

 

Steve, an incapacitated architect in a deadend relationship, whiles away the hours on internet chat rooms. One day he discovers a fascinating self-help group called 'The Room' whose members are almost religious in their devotion to the group. Some innocent voyeurism takes a darker turn when one of the members of The Room confesses to a murder. What Steve does with the information will create a spiral of horror he is powerless to escape...

A dark psychological thriller, The Room is a screenplay you won't forget.

 
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tags

bad language, bathroom mirror, chatrooms, film, grace kelly, hitchcockian, horror, internet, killer, knife, movie, murder, police. cops, psychological...

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16 comments

 

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Sarah Parish wrote 512 days ago

Hi Gavin,

I've read the first act and I really like this. This is only the second screenplay I've read so I'm not entirely sure how they work, but I found this easy to read and to visualise. I did find it a bit slow to start with, but I think when it translates to the screen each scene would come to life much more quickly because you don't have to read the description. This is more likely my lack of experience with screen writing coming through here.

I did wonder about the comments from the nurse at the end of Act 1; she seems highly unprofessional and I don't think she'd be able to get away with talking to patients in that way; likewise, I'm not sure a doctor would discuss another patient with Liz. I think it might work better if Liz and Steve overheard the doctor and nurse talking rather than them being so openly indiscreet. I also thought that perhaps in reality the medical staff would pull the curtains round more (despite there being a lack of time, there's always someone there to do that) so there might be a chink that Liz would have to go and look through rather than her looking on so blatantly; this could also add to her apparently voyeuristic tendency.

The last thing I wondered was whether a woman could survive jumping 13 floors even for a little while. This is a genuine question I have which made me consider how realistic it was. I'm sure you can answer this for me though.

I'm going to read the rest now and if I think of anything else, I'll come back to you. I hope this is useful to you. You do write very well though and I think that you should submit this to the BBC Writers' Room as other people have said. I've also backed it and starred it.

I'd really appreciate you having a look at my novella 'Coming Unstuck' if you have time, mainly because it's the same genre as you like to read. Thanks.

Best wishes,

Sarah

Citizen Gav wrote 2014 days ago

Thanks for the links Anne!

I've split the script into three 'acts' - hopefully that'll make it a bit easier to read.

Annie wrote 2016 days ago

http://www.bbc.co.uk/writersroom/

Look this up... You can submit scripts for the BBC

anne

Annie wrote 2017 days ago

www.writersmarket.com

www.writers-editors.com

www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/arts/commissioning.shtml

These should help. The last one is for radio 4. It may be good to get on to them.

Citizen Gav wrote 2018 days ago

Thanks Annie that's really nice to hear!

Good point about the difficulty of reading, I'll see if I can break it up a bit over the weekend to make it a bit more digestable... To be honest I haven't really tried sending it out. I sent a copy to a director aquaintance a couple of years ago, but he never got back to me.

I was recently at a Q&A with the comic book writer Mark Millar and he advised sending full scripts to agents in the US, but I'm not sure where to start looking for one. Internet would probably be a good bet I suppose...

Annie wrote 2018 days ago

This is really good. I've read part of it, but obviously cannot finish all of it in one go. Is there a chance you could break it up a bit? Maybe putting the first page into scenes?

This will give the reader a sort of book mark to come back to. I don't know if I'll remember where I stopped when I return again, because it's all on one page.

I love the way you write. Your story is so real, so moving, and true to real life. I was a stage actress for 11 and a half years, and to me, this is something I would 'get' in a heart beat.

Your writing is professional and you certainly do have a talent for scripts. I can't see why this hasn't been snapped up? Have you tried sending it out yet?

best
anne

Annie wrote 2019 days ago

OOhh, this sounds nice. I will certainly be back to read it when I have more time. If the screenplay lives up the pitch, we're in for a good ride.

best
anne

Citizen Gav wrote 2033 days ago

Hi Mackenzie

It's around 80 pages, so going by the page-per-minute rule it's around 80 minutes. I reckon if it was filmed it might run a little longer as it's potentially heavier on atmosphere than dialogue. Thanks and hope you enjoy it!

Citizen Gav wrote 2055 days ago

David - Thanks, I had a feeling it might be a bit too instructive, but it's the first time I'd tried writing a full script and all the actor directions was probably my inner control-freak coming out. It is finished (in draft form, anyway) and is about 80 pages. Going by the page-per-minute rule, I think that's about right for a low-budget thriller. I hadn't thought about what kind of movie it could be, but I always thought it would be a good script in a budget conscious sense, because it doesn't require a great deal of actors or locations, but has good parts for actors to get their teeth into and lots of opportunity for a director to get creative with the restricted space. It's actually based on a short story; I'm thinking of starting an anthology of my stories on here as soon as I get my novella edited a bit!

James - the pitch did seem obvious after I wrote the story, but the funny thing was I hadn't intended to do a 21st century Hitchcock story when I was writing it... it just sort of turned out that way! When I was fleshing out the screenplay, I added a few nods to that. I was going for a deliberately slow buildup, as I like the kind of movies that take their time rather than open with a big bang, but you may be right that I've been too slow here.

Cindy - sorry, thought I'd replied to you more fully before! Again, I was going for an almost anti-climactic ending, 70s style, but maybe that's not quite come through on the page.

Citizen Gav wrote 2055 days ago

Hi David

Thanks, I had a feeling it might be a bit too instructive, but it's the first time I'd tried writing a full script and all the actor directions was probably my inner control-freak coming out. It is finished (in draft form, anyway) and is about 80 pages. Going by the page-per-minute rule, I think that's about right for a low-budget thriller. I hadn't thought about what kind of movie it could be, but I always thought it would be a good script in a budget conscious sense, because it doesn't require a great deal of actors or locations, but has good parts for actors to get their teeth into and lots of opportunity for a director to get creative with the restricted space. It's actually based on a short story; I'm thinking of starting an anthology of my stories on here as soon as I get my novella edited a bit!

James - the pitch did seem obvious after I wrote the story, but the funny thing was I hadn't intended to do a 21st century Hitchcock story when I was writing it... it just sort of turned out that way! When I was fleshing out the screenplay, I added a few nods to that. I was going for a deliberately slow buildup, as I like the kind of movies that take their time rather than open with a big bang, but you may be right that I've been too slow here.

Cindy - sorry, thought I'd replied to you more fully before! Again, I was going for an almost anti-climactic ending, 70s style, but maybe that's not quite come through on the page.

James E wrote 2055 days ago

Hmmm, I was sure I saved a comment on here this morning but obviously not. Now what did I say?

Essentially, I started by saying I know little about script-writing, but your pitch sounded good (I like Rear Window) and the idea of an updated Hitchcock style story around chat rooms seemed good. The plot was generally good, and I confress I didn't predict the twist. I did find it a bit slow at the start, but this may be my inexperience with reading film scripts, maybe filmed it wouldn't seem slow. And I mentioned somewhere how liked the image of the boy looking into the car on Halloween. I'm sure I said some other stuff to, but can't think what....

Now I will make sure I click that save button!

David C wrote 2059 days ago

Hello Gavin: i've written many a screenplay so I'll be taking a good look at yours very soon. Just a cursory look and I feel you don't need so many actors instructions under the dialogue Use these sparingly.

We seem to have similar tastes. I'll put this on my Watchlist and move it up when I have space on the Bookshelf. I'd always appreciate a reciprocal gesture but especially any comments you have to make about my book.

Is this screenplay finished? How many pages? Is it a theatrical or TV movie? How far have you got with the novelisation?

Citizen Gav wrote 2061 days ago

Thanks for the feedback, guys! I'm also working on a 'real' book, but this is the most substantial thing I've completed, so thought it would be good to put it up here. I'll be interested to look at some of the other books on here as soon as I get a minute.

PS thanks for letting me know about the mistake Cindy!

Cindy Bias wrote 2061 days ago

P.S.

Gavin, I just noticed, too, that in your pitch you wrote "Chris" instead of "Steve."

Cindy

Cindy Bias wrote 2061 days ago

Gavin,

Always learning. This is the first screen play that I've ever read. It was your pitch that attracted me, so you know, a good one. My point--I can't offer any comments of real substance since screen plays are beyond me, but I very much liked the Hitchcock factor. The only questionable thing that jumped out at me was Steve's last line; I get it, of course, and appreciate the tie back to the beginning, but considering all that went on, it seemed a bit tame to me. Does that make sense? I found myself wondering how Steve might work in the words "the room" somehow. Please do consider the source, though, as you consider this comment. The best of luck to you, Gavin, with this project. I hope to see your name on the screen someday, big or small. Take care.

Cindy

Sam Hackett wrote 2061 days ago

I share your choice in books Gavin, and your views on stories, plus from what I've read so far of The Room I'm intrigued, so much I've added it to my Watchlist. Keep writing and reading, sure you will. Enjoy the day, Sam.

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