The Crown of Crysaldor

What a great tale - who will not love a great quest, that to for diamonds that bring magic when placed in a crown. Highly imaginative. You seem to have covered all the bases to create a read that will captivate your audience. You start with great action, sword fighting between two mighty opponents and set the scene for the lost diamonds. Then slowly we get introduced to the well portrayed characters and the wise Talibar. I loved the small details, like the attire of robes which adds to the mystique and the imaginative names of the characters and the place Crysaldor.
Your writing style and narration suits the story.
Backed earlier and gald to have read more to comment.
Rakhi (Sir William...)

The moment I began reading this I was rivetted, a gutsy swordfight in a time when their were warriors, fighting for thier kingdoms,power survival. Being male myself, these sort of adventure stories I can really enjoy. You really brought the characters into a life and death arena, no mercy , no quarter given. In the next chapter we enter into a knew era, fables about crysaldor that beckon a girl on a quest, a dangerous forebodeing quest. Her innocence and naivety makes me fear what wii happen to her. I'll have to put this on my watchlist with a view to shelve it.

This is terrific stuff. You write in the most accomplished manner and I loved the fact that we are straight into the action. Any great fantasy novel should start with swords clashing, in my humble opinion. However, what most impressed me with the three chapters I read was the way your prose was so effortless yet enchanting and thoroughly gripping. You have created a wonderful and very imaginative world that I'm certain there is a huge market for. I wish you all the best with it. Carl. The Time Hunters.

I read your book once before and came back for a second read. Great book!

First sentence – perhaps metal crashed rather than thrashed?
The crowd calling out Horius’ name as they yell for him to finish the fight just reads a little off – maybe leave out the name.
The repetition of the names is a little much in that first fight sequence

Otherwise – brilliant. Launching straight into the action captures the reader’s attention right away, and you've created a world a reader can invest in, and characters alongside too. Definitely one to watch.

I've read the first seven chapters and found that overall it is well written and edited.
The font size seems to have got messed up on uploading. I would try to sort that out. It's only minor, but a distraction.

With the first chapter, I understand that the fight is going back and forth between Dorin and Horius, but I felt the paragraphs/sentences didn't have to begin with one of their names. You could turn the sentence around to stop this Dorin did... Horius did... Dorin did this... Hor... I'll shut up. You get it.

Chapter two reads much better and I feel that I'm getting into the story. It made me wonder if chapter one is a prologue. It seemed that way.

Dialogue - “It is a diamond isn't it? She asked. This should be a lower case – she asked. Also …,” He said. - he said. There are a lot of these and it's going right through it checking and changing them.

Chapter three. You have have two paragraphs next to each other beginning. He galloped towards her. It halts the reader. I thought it was a repeat and read the first and then second again. It was a repeat, but it distracted me from the flow.

You have good page turning endings to chapters.

Your characters are likeable and imaginable. Ana and Demus have taken on a big challenge and now they have a baby dragon to look after. I loved the imagery of this and the unicorns.

High stars for an enchanting story with a quest and an adventure along the way. I think this will be a great read for youngsters and adults alike.

As it's complete I'll read more when I have more time.
Take care, Jes.x

I read the first few chapters and then jumped ahead to the middle to see the quest and then the end, the coronation. I like the little touches like Ana needing to learn to ride a horse. Heroes and heroines usually seem born knowing how, which is odd. I think this is pitched right for the Ya reader of fantasy. It's a good concept, the magic of the kingdom destroyed and a quest to rekindle it. The first chapter is definitely an attention grabber, nicely pitched to draw the reader in. I haven't really any suggestions to make about writing as I wasn't aware of any typos or anything. My only thought, and this could just be me obviously, was perhaps Ch. 1 might be more powerful if you cut some descriptive words, like roaring for example. It's just for speed of action. I liked him hurling the diamonds from the mountain very much, great image.
Very enjoyable read.















Very enjoyable read anyway!

I am a new author and would greatly appreciate a quick read it is only 5 chapters and think it a an a decent story so far and will return all reads will give me a chance. I am looking more for pointers than anything else if you love great, but if not please tell me all the same I WILL return the read and back it if I like it. Thanks David It is called Forsaken a not so human man who banished himself to the shadows for 60 years until now. Please consider I am new here and anything would be appreciated.

I am a new author and would greatly appreciate a quick read it is only 5 chapters and think it a an a decent story so far and will return all reads will give me a chance. I am looking more for pointers than anything else if you love great, but if not please tell me all the same I WILL return the read and back it if I like it. Thanks David It is called Forsaken a not so human man who banished himself to the shadows for 60 years until now. Please consider I am new here and anything would be appreciated.

I am a new author and would greatly appreciate a quick read it is only 5 chapters and think it a an a decent story so far and will return all reads will give me a chance. I am looking more for pointers than anything else if you love great, but if not please tell me all the same I WILL return the read and back it if I like it. Thanks David It is called Forsaken a not so human man who banished himself to the shadows for 60 years until now. Please consider I am new here and anything would be appreciated.

four chapters in and I love it.

it's an adventure right from the get go and it doesn't let up. the quest to find the diamonds - reminds me of Lord of the Rings... righting the wrongs of the ancestors and so forth

it's a great concept!

Jaclyn x
It Never Happened

Hi Sandie! Reading the comments below...I can't keep up with these guys. I just know a good journey when I read one. Thank you for backing LONDON by the way! Rebacking yours.
blessings!
jim

Sandie
Thank you for your support of Tales for Children. I have read some ofyour book and found it to be exciting and bold. Straight into the action from the start great stuff. High stars from me and on my WL for now until I get space on my shelf.
Brian.

yes, someone has already commented on what I spotted right away. Your literature jumps out and hits you int he face. as a result of good descriptive writing you are abel to grab the reader and suck them in without any other effort. So well done. this is a super read for which I will be scoring high. Brilliant and well told.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage

I am surprise that I haven't come across this before. It's wonderful. Wonderfully written and so detailed. I have just started it, but will read on. High stars!!

Cathy

I ve just discovered this gem of a book - a very exciting and exhilarating read - the font size changes in the first chapter are a bit odd - but that's easy to sort

In the meantime - I'll read on - because it may be fantasy but it's so real

David

Hi
I've read chapter 1 and as a newbie you might like to disregard what I read. However, to press on. The short story is like a novel in some ways. But they are different in the number of words used and also in the introductory . In the short story the reader is confronted with a single line: the 'hook' but in the longer novel there are often many things grabbing for attention.What you've written need a little more interesting content borrowed from a place further forward in the book. Only you will know what that might be. Perhaps Dorin wore an magical symbol on his arm in the hope of winning the battle. Or maybe a curse had been put on his brother. Again you decide.
The battle scene between the two brothers somehow doesn't seem real. Use short descriptive sentences. Perhaps one brother lost his sword but it was a feint. The other brother approaches to finish his brother off but finds himself stabbed. It might be like that or winning by clever footwork to tire out the enemy.
You might also look and see how you link ideas to form sentences. Too many 'and', also 'and then' and also the word 'that.' Everybody has a word they stutter on. But the words you stutter on or use too often can simply be edited out. Tighten up on the sentences and in fiction, in a tale of this kind tricks can be used to wind the fight. And lastly the word 'never' ought only to be used in the phrase like 'you never can tell.' IMO.
Good luck with your story.
Best wishes

Nice! Love it! I wanted to read it two sentences into your synopsis. On watchlist for now. Love the genre, you make it your own. Jumping right into your story.

sincerely,
jim

A lots of action! A long story with sword and old fashioned physicall fight. The scenarios are pretty well described. The forest, corridore. creates creepy atmosphere.

I am not an author and am not used to giving comments regarding editing, grammar, plots, characterization etc but I can give feedback about the book.

I know that it is meant for young adults but the language felt very childish - a bit like a diary of a teenager. It was either very factual or trying hard to be romantic/adventuresome etc...

The characters didn't come alive and it felt more like watching a youtube video of a family's safari rather than a BBC documentary - there was no tension or feeling of sympathy leave alone empathy.

Ana came across as an impractical silly girl and the whole foray into the quest felt a bit sophomoric.

I am sorry if it was a bit harsh - but I assume that like all fledgling authors ,you want and appreciate comments to improve your writing/presentation/plots.

I will definitely recommend this book with some tighter prose, plots and characterization.

"And then replaced the knife in his boot. He then" is there a word other than 'then' you can use here so that the same word wouldn't be used so frequently?
Your font changes as the new king takes the crown. Is this intended, a mistake, or an authonomy quirk (I've seen all)

"but [on] either side he could see the"

"In the distance, lay the heart of the kingdom and the cause of his misery, Horius' castle" Perhaps, "In the distance lay the heart of the kingdom, and the cause of his misery. Horius' castle."

"A great feeling of satisfaction hit him like a tidal wave, washed over him, and coursed through his veins" Here you use three different descriptions to all suggest the same thing. I think just one will do. The tidal wave was especially powerful.

"Crysaldor was now Dorinia[.] everything had worked.."
"The magic that, to him, had hung in the air like a.." this didn't flow quite as well as the rest of your work did in my opinion. Perhaps, "The magic that had always hung in the air, in his mind alike to a vile smell" or something.

"They had come to accept until Crysaldor became a legend that only a few remember." I think there could be more power to this, Crysaldor was obviously something very important at the beginning, so maybe you could say "They had come to accept until [even] Cysaldor became a legend that few remember" It just adds to the desperation of the times in my opinion.

"one day, the time would come" building up suspense to get us to read your next chapter is a great idea, however this line doesn't entirely sell me. You have two mentions of time side by side, "the time would come" is gripping enough, however "for what?" is quite a broad question. I'm not asking that you reveal all of your novel in the first chapter, but a slight hint at what we might be able to suspect, other than the time arriving, would be a huge incentive to read on.
Excellent writing here, giving many stars.
God bless

This is a good story. I cana't figure out the age group it should be. Too mature for twelve/thirteen year olds, too young for sixteen/seventeen. Nonetheless, I enjoyed it and I'm probably three times that age. You did a very good job, I only noticed a place or two where you used the same word more than once in a short span, I think a read out loud will help with that. Overall, this is very well-written and very enjoyable.

Good job.

Abby

A very strong opening scene. Definitely a marmite scene - a reader will either love it or hate it. Personally I love a good fight scene! It sets the tone for the whole story. A vast, sweeping tale with so much to entice the reader onwards. I think Ana is a great character and her supporting cast are well drawn, too. I've read the first three chapters and very much enjoyed them. Will be back very soon to rest some more. A thoroughly engaging tale. Good luck with this, Sandie.
Eva

Ive been away for a few months. Now I'm back, back to support some great reads.

Crown of Crysaldor
I read to chapter nine.
I would like to start out with a strong and unqualified compliment for your first chapter. It was really a very gripping beginning and absolutely hooked me. It is laying out a very classical premise (rivalry between siblings of the ruling class) which is a plot mechanism so ancient it is probably written in our genetic makeup. You carry out your introduction to this classic plot very well, and I think the premise of casting off the diamonds is a good basis for an epic fantasy adventure.
This first chapter built up in me a really high expectation which unfortunately the following few chapters did not deliver on (for me). This was a huge shame because I was very receptive at this point and my attention was yours to keep. However, I feel that you evidenced the skill set to turn this around, and I hope you take the time to do so.
As with all negative comments, these are just my opinions and others can feel differently.
I also want to say that I consider epic fantasy to be a very challenging genre. There is so much of it out there and the rules are so strict that you really have to be special to stand out.
Parts of the story come across as very contrived, and explanations are sometimes very weak. This leads to an episodic storytelling which, in spite of some exciting moments, gets a bit dull for me. For example when your heroine is told that she is the chosen one there is really no explanation, justification or awe. Strange enough that she should be alone in a man's house. One of the cornerstones of fantasy is that the chosen one must be special. She must be chosen for a reason. If you want to make the reason secret then Ana must chance upon the adventure (that is, she must take up the burden because there is just no one else physically around, like in the case where a dying messenger gives the message to the only one around.)
In the chapter where we are first introduced to your heroine Ana is given the quest quite suddenly without explanation or questioning on her part. On the other hand, in autho 3 she spends entirely too long reflecting upon the fact that this is her last comfortable night. This hesitation has very little weight behind it. There is no immediacy to the quest, as you created an universe which has been plunged in this state for 300 years. nothing has changed, there is no impending battle or magical date mentioned. This makes the whole thing seem foolhardy, particularly as she is a young woman.
You follow up with a very contrived meeting of a man who has fallen in his own trap. Now, I will admit, this is funny. But as the first person for a girl on her own to invite on her quest is simply implausible. Have her invite a childhood friend first, even another girl, but not some man who fell in a hole. The innocent trust she conveys is incongruent with the universe where evil resides
The dragon egg was another example of carelessly contrived plotting. How did they arrive at the conclusion that the mother was dead? And the idea of carrying a baby dragon around on the quest is just insane, so it really needs to be buttressed by necessity. You can do this by making the dragon necessary for the quest (maybe they can sense magic) or by making its demise eminent (which you try to do) but in such an event you really have to convince us. That is, it is not enough to say that the mother does not seem to be around.
Then there is the faery. Very cute, but hard to take seriously. Why does she not fly away from her master? And if she is somehow bound, why can she just walk away now?
Now, you may be making an argument that what makes Ana special is her compassion and foolhardiness. You might be able to get away with this if you established the premise better, showed us some of her character attributes before the quest and, again, made the quest more urgent, both from the choice of her as the chosen one and of the timing.
These are mostly plot criticisms, and indeed I think you need to strengthen up your plot first. However, I would urge you to also work with your character development. I have touched on this earlier, but if your main character is the chosen one, you have a real obligation to develop her character before and during her quest. In a certain way, you reduced your opportunities to do this by making her relationship with her mother smooth and easygoing. This limits the opportunities to see al alternate side to her character before she leaves. But she comes across as so foolish that it is surprising she is not captured in the second chapter. Again, if her attribute is her innocence and goodness, you need to make this come out more assertively.
As to ambiance, this, I think, is your strong suit. You have some strong descriptions, particularly the perilous cliff, the dragon and the faery. I would warn you, however, to be careful with place descriptions that rely heavily on listing of items, as is the case when you get to her house. They give information without flavour.
I think that you have the skill necessary to make this a very successful epic fantasy. Again, I am picky, particularly with this genre, because there is really a lot out there, and because your first chapter really raised the bar for what I was expecting later on. However, this is all just my opinion. I hope you find some of it useful.
Best of luck with it,
Maeve

Hello, Sandie
Great to start with an action sequence. Immediately we are drawn into the story.
I would not know where to begin to write a fight sequence like that.

I thought the passage where Theodor explains the history to Ana went on a bit long. Is there some other way of showing us rather than telling us this – more subtly perhaps?

I could picture the characters very well even though you did not have to describe them "in so many words" as they say. Even the names conjured up for me what they must have looked like (I always have to be able to picture book characters in my mind's eye).

I think you write very well and I did not detect any grammar or punctuation issues. I did notice though that this book has been going for 3 years and I wonder if you wonder about that too (!).

Perhaps you have altered the book many times or been away from site for a while.

You have an enormous amount of comments yet are on a few dozen bookshelves.
Does that tell us something or not?
Having said that, you are getting near the top so I look forward to seeing how your work is received in the near future.

I know that fantasy is very, very popular so you are lucky to be able to write well in this genre!
Best wishes.
Jane Mauret
MADNESS & MALDIVES

One word: Awesome.

Second word: Backed

I'm not a writer so I don't have a lot of worthy comment to make. I like it, guess thats enough ;-) x

Hi,
This is a nice beginning to your book. The story is well told, including the action scenes (which is not always easy to do).
Just a few things to consider: perhaps rephrasing the first two uses of the word THAT right at the beginning. I found it a little distracting and thought with rephrashing, your sentences would be stronger. Also, 'deafening' is used twice within two paragraphs of each other (deafening clang, deafening roar), so you might want to use another word.

Best of luck!

Dyane
The Purple Morrow

I have only read the first chapter and yet I feel the need to comment already.
And it's because of moments like this:
'His finger nails scratched Horius' forehead as he took hold of the crown and lifted it from his head'
and
'He walked over to his sword and felt his back strain as he bent down'

With me it's the little things that get me hooked to a story, descriptions like this that I can really feel. You're writing jumps off the page, I will be reading on.

Isabel Mac

Hi Sandie,
I began reading your book recently and was instantly hooked by your opener. It set the stage for an adventure. I really like the imagery you use. A swordfight is always a good bet for grabbing attention.
Maybe my only criticism would be the characterization of your protagonist so far. But I haven't read enough chapters yet to really see Ana's different traits, so take that with a grain of salt.
The story seems very interesting, and I'm excited to get back to reading. Great work.

Allison

I've read the first two chapters and you set the scene very nicely, when I return to your book I look forward to a magical tale of adventure, honour, broken promises and bloodletting - all spiced perhaps with a smidgen of romance ? Well done, David

Sandie,

I've read the first chapter of The Crown of Crysaldor. In general an intriguing start and the standard of writing is good and clear. A few specific points follow:

*For an adult audience the description is perhaps a little too blow-by-blow but this is for the young adult market so I think it's not an issue.

*His face inches from Horius' snarling face... face re-used too soon

*We suddenly learn that they are brothers - good!

*font changes around the time he picks up the crown.

*I'm slightly confused - he wins the crown then goes up the mountain because if he can't wear the crown no-one can? Perhaps this is explained later in the book.

*Smaller and smaller they got, until... 'became' would sound better than 'got'.

I've given you high stars and wish you the best. I'll find you a time-slot on my shelf when one opens up.

Looking forward to your views on Horizons...

Best regards,

Robert

Your book has my attention. Backed, highly rated and continuing to read.

You start strong, setting up not only social conflict, but sibling rivalry, and quickly begin to develop the characters. Your writing is fluid and descriptive, I thought the descriptions of the fighting scene were excellent, and the pace is right. You create a deep mystery about this land of Crysaldor that after the fatal duel became Dorinia with the last paragraphs, as for three hundred years "the kingdom waited patiently...the darkness would not last forever and that one day, the time would come." You're leaving the reader with a curiosity to read on and find out the rest, as I will be doing over the next several days.
Donna
No Kiss Goodbye

Hi again, I read some more of your story and while it has potential I think you could improve the story line by taking out 20,000 words. Its a long story, you have classed it as readable for young adults but I would say it is more suited for Children under thirteen and 100,000 words is a lot to keep a child interested. I have found with my own manuscripts that once it's finished and then you start to take out the bits not needed, the story lines improves. Anyway I wish you all the best.

They always say you need to grip the reader with the first chapter and this one is gripping enough. The font sizes keep changing through the passages. I don't know if this is an error or if you have done it for effect? You may need to re-edit.

The Crown of Crysaldor.
By Sandie Newman.

I’ve come back to this book again after a while, I’m glad I did.
There have been many changes for the better since I last looked.
I remember the good start to your book I might say...straight into a deadly fight between two brothers, Dorin and Horius.
No half measures with description here. Graphic accounts of the fight keep the reader riveted.
Then we have the victor, Dorin with the spoils of the battle, the ‘Crown of Crysaldor’.
He’s already hatched a plan for changing the Kingdom of Crysaldor by removing the diamonds.
The book has a good storyline and I sometimes felt like changing a few sections here and there to the way I would like it. Don’t we all feel like that at times when reading a good book?
It gets interesting as Ana’s told by Theodor that she is the one most suited to reverse the changes once the diamonds are found and the Crown is whole again.
This is a good story which I think deserves a chance in the market place.
I like it!
Pleased to star-rate it high and will shelve soon as I can!

Kind regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

Disclaimer: What follows is a purely subjective gut reaction, which you asked for on my shameless thread.

I didn't get very far I am afraid. Opening with a fight scene is a gamble in my opinion. I don't know who these characters are and therefore am not invested emotionally in the outcome. However, bear in mind this is not a genre I readily choose to read.

Hi Sandie, I read Chapter 9. I found this an enchanting story and felt it was exactly how faires, dragons and unicorns would interact. I am sure you will find an audience in childrens fantasy adventure. It is very well written and easy to follow and I would say communicated very well indeed. Well Done.

Kind Regards and Best Wishes.
Lenny Banks
Tide and Time: At The Rock

My promised read -

I've read part of the first chapter and made a list of suggestions, recommendations. I mostly enjoyed what I read but I felt it could be improved in some ways - for one thing, it's a fight-scene between two characters about whom we know nothing, and for that reason it's hard to feel emotionally connected to either of them. The exclamation "The king is dead" doesn't have the impact it should, because hey, it's just another dead king in a long list of fictional dead kings! Consider the death scene of Emperor Commodus (Joachim Phoenix) in the film "Gladiator" - that's an emotionally charged moment, because we've followed his and Maximus's characters through 2 and a half hours of film and have reason to feel sympathy (and relief) at his passing. But here I don't feel we're getting close enough to either of these characters. Show us some of the thoughts in their heads.Give us a reason why they're fighting - other than one of them thinks he should have been king. Read George R.R. Martin's "Game of Thrones" (if you haven't already) - that's a story about a contest for the throne between numerous claimants, each of whom we have a reason to want to support, each of whom has a claim on the reader's sympathies. (Other than Joffrey, the pretender on the Iron Throne, who is just plain despicable.) Characters make stories, not fight scenes. Maybe a better way to start this story would be with a dialogue between these feuding characters, Horius and Dorin, show us a bit of the "bad blood" between them, allow them both to stake their claims to the throne, and THEN let them let rip at each other. That'll do a better job of grabbing the reader's interest.

On a side note I think the physical atttributes - size and strength - of the fighters is important and should be told. Are they physically similar, both tall, strong men? I find a duel is always more interesting if they're different, with different strengths and weaknesses. There's a fist-fight ("mano a mano") between Coren and Gustav, the two male protagonists, in my story, chapter 7. Gustav is 6'5", 250 pounds, clad in a full suit of armour and a human power-house - but slow, awkward-moving and slow to react. Also in his fifties. Coren, the hero the reader is rooting for (although this fight is told from Gustav's POV) is 5'4", 15, slight and very agile, fast on his feet and cunning. Gustav relies on his superior reach and strength to knock his opponent down; Coren uses cunning and dirty tactics. Whether or not the scene is well-written is subjective, but I think everyone would agree that with these dynamics the fight is inherently more interesting.

I hope you find my advice useful and I hope you'll enjoy reading "Tamria."

James
"Tamria"
http://authonomy.com/books/42617/tamria-book-one/

COREN: "And if we don't do what you want?"
KUELLER: "Oh. Then I suppose I'll have to kill some of you, until the rest of you see sense. I think I'll murder you in order of intelligence, starting with the dumbest and most useless."
CASSIUS: "That'll be you first then, Brutus."

***

CHAPTER 1

“His sword flew out of his hands” – “His sword flew from his hands” ? Better?

Onomatopoeia words like “clang” and “thump” are usually in italics – but that’s entirely up to you.

“Horius struck Dorin’s blade three times and then with a deafening roar he drew his sword back and smashed Dorin’s sword again” – I think you could lose the “he” and “and”, they’re not needed and slow the sentence down slightly. –> “Horius struck Dorin’s blade three times then with a deafening roar drew his sword back and smashed Dorin’s sword again.”

A question: what kind of swords are these men using? I’m guessing big, heavy swords from the descriptions – broad-swords, great-swords? Are they one-handed or two-handed? This information is important for giving us a visual “clue” of the type of swordplay they’re having.

Also descriptions of the men. I feel that in a fight scene like this, especially an extremely intense, personal one, it’s useful to know the physical attributes of the combatants. Not things like hair colour, eye colour – they have no bearing on the battle – but height, size, weight, build, that kind of thing. That’s most important if you have a David-v-Goliath type duel, like in the mano a mano between Coren and Gustav in my chapter 7. Giving the fighters different strengths and weaknesses makes the fight more interesting. It engages the reader more, makes them want to root for one fighter or the other. Here, I’m not sure who I should be supporting. If it were me, I’d make Dorin a big, strong, heavy fighter, with greater power and reach, but Horius younger, quicker, slighter, more cunning and quick on his feet. The human psyche always tends towards to cheering on the physical “under-dog”, who’s a better fighter despite his size. So – something to consider.

Like the names: Horius and Dorin. The Lord of the Rings influence is clear. Dorin must have been taken from Durin, the King of the Dwarves. Horius sounds like it might have been inspired by Egyptian mythology – the god Horus.

“Horius kicked his leg from under him. He crashed to the ground” – who crashed to the ground? Dorin, obviously. But since Horius’s name was the last mentioned, you need to remove possible ambiguity. –> “Horius kicked his leg from under him. Dorin crashed to the ground”

“Dorin thrust the blade into Horius’s naked chest, straight into his heart.” – maybe you could have “into the heart” instead, that sounds better to me.

“watched his brother fall” - this is the first mention we have that these two are brothers (other than the hint “I should have been king…”), AFTER one of them has been killed! Maybe you should have revealed this information to the reader at the beginning, then it would add a real interest to what was happening. Two guys fighting each other with swords – meh. Two guys fighting who happen to be brothers, both of kingly blood? That’s more interesting!
That’s what I did in my story, to make the conflict between the two main “political” characters – Lord Cedric and Queen Beruthia – more interesting. Beruthia is the story’s antagonist, an ambitious, tyrannical queen intent on world conquest, and Cedric, the peace-keeping First Minister of the opposing country, Elyssia, happens to be her brother-in-law! It’s also revealed from the queen’s own thoughts that she has never had him murdered for the simple reason that he is her late beloved husband’s brother, and murdering him would feel like murdering her husband. She also loathes him, despite the fact that he reminds her so much of Trinian. That’s an interesting character relationship, and it adds an intriguing complexity to the struggle between their two countries.

“Dorin reached Horius’s side, kicked his sword out of his hand” – I’d change the first “his” to “the,” so you’re not repeating that word. –> “Dorin reached Horius’s side, kicked the sword out of his hand”

“He shouted as he pointed” – this is a continuation of the dialogue, not a new sentence, so “he” should be lower-case. Same with “He roared into the air.”

“he enjoyed the feeling of his brother’s blood” – how about “he savoured the feeling” – that’s a more interesting verb, I think.

Umm, you have a change in font or in font size here. Then another change starting with the passage “He walked to his sword” and change back after “took one last look.” Might want to go into the document and sort out the formatting.

“he trudged on foot as fast as his weary body would allow him.” – think you could lose “him”; the sentence would work better without it. –> “he trudged on foot as fast as his weary body would allow”.

Greetings!

Short Pitch ::

I think this could use a little work. It feels a little too separated from the characters and general story. While the goal is there, there isn’t anything that makes me go ‘this is *important*. I think a snappier short pitch, preferably about either Dorin or the characters seeking what Dorin destroyed, might help entice more readers to click through to read more.

Long Pitch ::

My biggest problem with the short pitch is that it feels a bit passive and link an info dump. You name the character (Dorin) that starts the issue with the destruction of the diamonds on the crown, but you only list characters that the story is actually about by race or class, making it feel a bit like an AD&D adventure turned to a story. Just something to consider. I think I would find this more interesting if you cut the information about the crown’s history and focus on the actual characters and their reasons for hunting for the crown.

Chapter One ::

I’m pretty sure this was unintentional, but there were a lot of font switches in the chapter for some reason.

While it isn’t marked as a prologue, I am pretty sure it is after taking a peek at Chapter Two. I am not a fan of prologues to begin with, and while it does have action in the beginning, which is interesting, the passive nature of the second half and the clichéd nature of the prologue didn’t leave me with as good of an impression as I would like.

Truth be told, I don’t think this information is vital. I would much rather discover it as a part of the story as we see the events of the present unfold. This isn’t the closest spot to the end of the story as possible, in my opinion, and it is an info-dump disguised as an action sequence. I hope this doesn’t sound too harsh, but you have a good voice for high epic fantasy, and I think that you could surpass the weaker prologue and include it as bits of story and legend and myth as the story unfolds. Right now, it feels like it was used specifically to set the world up, rather than showing us the world by the characters walking all over it.

Chapter two ::

I was torn on this chapter. You have the starts of characters here, but they’re buried beneath meticulous detail and info-dumping and exposition. The writing quality is good – while there was purple prose in sections, your manner of words really fits the genre very well. However, there wasn’t a hook for me in the prologue or the first chapter. There is no risk or consequence yet, and just worldbuilding information we may or may not need at this point in time. I do like that the crown’s diamond is present from the start, but it is a bit too cliché for my liking; we’re following the trope of a character reaching a certain age and being sent on a quest to save the world. There is nothing to separate Ana from the scores of other fantasy characters out there who have been sent on that same style of quest.

From the moment that the chest was mentioned, it was too obvious what was going to happen, especially from the setup of both the short/long pitches and the prologue. I think that you need to spice this up, add the unexpected, and get more immediately involved with the characters. Perhaps the numbers of lanterns in the home is important… I won’t know that until I get further into the book… but at the same time, I feel like I’m being taken out for a walk at the same time, down streets I’ve been before.

I think if you can marry your voice with a unique twist to the opening chapters, you’ll really have something here. Usually, I see concepts that aren’t executed as well as they could be, but in your case, I think you have the basic writing craft down solid, where the concept work of the first few chapters could use enhancing with a large dose of tension and immediacy thrown in.

Right now, the presentation is being told to us, rather than shown to us. So, this guy has a valuable diamond of a crown; you could show us he is hiding something of true worth by having someone try to steal it. If he has been able to protect it for this long, he must have capable abilities to protect it – you can show that to us through action, tension, and people trying to acquire something of such huge value to the kingdom, just as a suggestion.

Also, you could show us that Theodore is serious about Ana’s participation by teaching her things that a child shouldn’t know; swordplay, bowmanship, riding – skills that aren’t good for the home, but are needed for running around seeking diamonds.

If you wanted to do a prologue, you could *show* the events by making it from Theodor’s POV, who was actually there. Then, he can act all secretive, and you make it into a game of showing us the pieces and giving the reader the responsibility of putting the puzzle together.

Right now, it is all too convenient, all too handed to me on a silvered platter, and I don’t think there is enough tension in the opening as is.

Chapter 3 ::

So far, Ana isn’t impressing me very much – I suppose she is a nice enough girl, but at the same time, there aren’t any traits that make me want to sympathize with her. There also isn’t a reason to. I’d like to see how Ana reacts and acts in actual situations; right now, everything in her world is spick, span, and proper, and there isn’t anything that sets her apart from the next village girl. That, and the fact she was really dumb enough to go blabbering to her mother made me slap my forehead rather literally.

Writing a lot of these comments actually pains me, and I hesitated to do it, because on a deep level, the idea that magic being controlled by something like a crown really intrigues me. You have a lot of promise in writing style, and your descriptions, especially of action, are quite fluid and vibrant. Like someone else mentioned, you do have a tendency to use repeated sentence structure – starting sentences with character names – which I think if you correct, will really help the writing style become truly strong.

I just hope that you can step away from the basic clichés that are presented in the openings and truly make this story your own. I feel like a huge naysayer judging from all of the other comments, but high and epic fantasy is my favorite genre set, and nothing pleases me more than finding a good writing style – if this was just a little more unique and challenged the clichés and stereotypes, and gave us a situation and true conflict right from the start, I think that this story does have the promise to be really strong in the genre.

I really meant to do a standard critique, but I got too into it as I was reading, since this is a genre I really enjoy reading… I hope I haven’t offended in any way, as I’d like to see this book do really well.

~RJ

Very good book and well written, I have backed the book and hope you get this published. If you have time please read my book Derilium.
John Stearn the Author of Derilium

Hey Sandie,

I have read several chapters and I enjoyed what I read. I love this sort of story, I've written several in this vein myself. And i do believe that you have a grand story here, worth telling. But there were some minor things which irked me as i read. There are just too many descriptions for my taste. And there is a few sentences which have been worded awkwardly, and i had to stop and reread them. For example, the third paragraph (i think) of chapter 1.

But these are things which are easily fixed, and by no way negate the quality of your story. I think people would love this, and your pitch would draw anyone in who likes fantasy adventures. If i read it in a bookstore, i would be leaving with your book. I am going to put you on my shelf.

Cheers

The Crown of Crysaldor.

I really love the way you begin the story and I love the atmosphere you create in the sword fight between the two brothers Horius and Dorin. There are lots of lovely descriptions in there which I think add substance to the picture which you automatically see in your mind. There are a couple of flaws, and small as they are they could do with changing to make the opening perfect. But that's entirely up to you.
One of the things I found were a lot of sentances began with either Horius or Dorin which made them sound repetitive, and the sentences didn't flow very smoothly.
But overall this is an excellent book. Its action packed, descriptive, imaginitive, and its magical. It should do extremely well .
lots of stars
junetee
FOUR CORNERS.book one.The Rock Star

Interesting story.
Your have a great style of pacing for your book, keeping it interesting. The action adds so much to a book, and you have a good amount of action.
It has a good development to it.
The story has a lot to it.
Good work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

I have only dipped into the opening couple of chapters but here are a few initial observations:

There is a hell of a lot of description, too much so if you ask me. Setting the scene is great, and important, but you don't have to outline every last detail.

Take chapter two, for example. Read through the opening third or so and make a note every time you mention the colour of something. I suspect you'll feel, like me, that there are a few too many mentions there.

The same with the word sword in the opening chapter. It is everywhere to start with.

Overall, I think this needs some pruning and cutting back. A few dodgy sentences could be cut without harming the story. Sentences like: His ripped trousers... made their agreement not to wear armour very satisfying. That is quite clunky and sets the wrong tone very early on.

I suspect there is a good story here somewhere, but I felt it was hidden beneath too much description. Cut it back and let the tale breathe.

Hope that is of some help.

Hello there,
Sorry it's taken me so long to get around to reading this. I hope my comments are helpful.

I don't read a lot of fantasy, so it's not really my thing. Having said that, I enjoy your writing style.It's very tight and slick, easy to follow and exciting. I like the fast pace of the fight that you open with. It's very dramatic. I did get a little lost at one point as to who was doing what, but that's a minor thing.

'he stood and watched his brother fall' is a great line - very effective. Could you give it even more impact? Perhaps shorten it to just that bit, or put it on it's own line? I think it's worth drawing attention to!

'Horisus' friend' - could you just name him? It's clear whose side he is on from the way he is coming out of the crowd.

'Rarrghhhh' or however you spelled it (!).. I'd lose this personally. You say he is roaring, so to spell it out seems superfluous. It made me laugh, which broke the tension a bit.

Your writing is very tight and I think from the small sample I read you have a good story. And of course, any Red Dwarf fan is ok with me ;).

Best of luck with it,

GG x

Hi Sandie,
I enjoyed Chapter 1 and part of Chapter 2 of "The Crown of Crysador." The only reason I stopped reading was because I couldn't load Chapter 2 when I went back to it.
The story is a solid one, your antagonist is particularly strong, turning the knife (as they say) and even scratching his brother's forehead when stealing the crown. Pretty ruthless. You've made his hate-able.
Also, I loved how you ended Chapter 1, providing a very strong setup for Chapter 2 and the rest of the novel.
A couple of things to consider:
In Chapter 1, where it says "He crashed to the ground" this sentence would be a lot clearer if you just said "Dorin crashed to the ground."
Problems with the sentence "As he pressed down on Horius chest (put an apostrophe after Horius) ... feeling of Horius' blood oozing (maybe change to "his brother's blood" to mix it up a bit?).
Highly starred, and I can read more when time allows and tech difficulties are solved. The site seems buggy today. Kind regards.
Dean Lombardo
"Space Games"

I have come back after nearly 3 years to read this book again, and it was just as enjoyable, which has only confirmed what I thought last time, that it has been undervalued and deserves to be published. High stars and on my shelf. I have no more to say.

Portraits Of A Small Peasant....Phil.

Hi Sandie,
Here for our reading swap.
You write with a beautiful intensity and strength. You've created a world very quickly which I can visualise and believe in. Well done. There are a few niggles, but nothing terrible. Feel free to ignore any niggles, I'm no expert. Here are the notes I made as I read.

Chp1.
Very dramatic beginning, a great idea, but I thought the fight went on slightly too long. Also could we have a little context before, like start 60 secs before they start fighting, then have a quicker fight? I sort of want to get the characters clear in my head before I have to worry about who put who's sword where. The names are very similar, both with a “ori” in the middle so it's hard to differentiate the two characters to begin with.

“Traversing” sounds a bit too forced 'olde englishe'. But I love, “a mountain that reached so high it appeared to scrape the sky”. You've got a rhyme in there, which you might want to take out to add grit (high and sky).

“After several hours of climbing with only a few stops”, the ‘with only a few stops’ could probably be left out, it sort of ruins the intensity of the prose. I think in fantasy you can get away with things not being 100% believeable. You’ve created a world and in this world I can quite believe that this man would walk the whole way without stopping. After all, he’s just killed his brother, he's probably pretty fired up!

“Then, because everyone knew that the magic in the kingdom only worked when the crown was complete with all eight diamonds.” Feels a bit of a hurried plot explanation here, trying to squeeze it in so we understand the significance of what he’s about to do, perhaps put it in a couple paragraphs earlier when he’s holding the crown as he climbs the hill.

Lovely description of him pulling his arm back to throw the diamonds, could really visualize it and the next para too. You have some nice ‘magic realism’ elements in these paragraphs, things that are not believable in the real world but feel right within the story. Like the way he can see the diamonds disappearing into the distance. Lovely.

Not sure about the last few paragraphs of Chp1. It felt a little short to explain the passing of three hundred years. Also, do you need it at all? Might be better to leave it out entirely and have that bit explained in the next chapter using dialogue or just having it implied? Not sure. Doesn’t quite feel right at the moment. [Just coming back after I've read Chp 2 and think you really don’t need these chaps, there is sufficient explanation in Chp 2]

Chp2.
In the two paras starting “He took out two grey blankets...” there’s a lot of stage business here, it feels ever so slightly too much and too confusing. Not quite sure what is meant or whether it's really necessary.

There’s lots of dialogue in Chp2 with the premise explained. That's fine and it is done convincingly, but perhaps break it up with some action. Even something as simple as them both making something to eat would add business of the scene, break up the dialogue and you’d get some sensory descriptions in there too.

Lovely hook at the end of Chp2

All in all a lovely read. Great descriptions and a convincing, interesting world and plot. Great hooks in both chapters. You certainly know your stuff!
6 stars from me.
Sharda.
Please take a look at mine when you have time.
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

wow, this is entertainment plus on the violent side. But its right up my street.

I love the first chapter. The sword fight is real blood and guts stuff and the premise that the kingdom will blighted by the breaking of the crown is good strong magic. I think that's one of the best sword fights I've ever read! Chapter 2 carried me along as well and the world you have created is well described. The tone after that seemed different. I felt the first chapter was more adult than YA but then becomes young adult. As I'm a pretty old adult the first part was more fun for me.
I wasn't too sure about the riding lesson. I'd say she's going to get hurt!
Great read though and I really enjoyed it. It swept me along and the characters were believable and sympathetic. High stars and on my watchlist.

Hi,

One thing I’ve noticed on Authonomy is a stream of praise but not much real constructive criticism. So that is what I’m giving, as in my opinion, it is not helpful to not point out necessary faults if someone seriously wants to be a writer! So here’s my hopefully helpful, constructive criticism.

I like the premise of your story, and I think the plot could certainly be a hit, however the writing needs work. I’ve given some examples below:

‘She lit the fire (and) orange and yellow flames sprang to life’ – and seems a bad joining word here. I’d use something like ‘She lit the fire, causing orange and yellow flames to spring to life’ or something like that.

Battle description can sound a bit amateur - like he did this, then he did that. It’s better when you show more rather than tell it. I’ve re-written a little bit to show what I mean.

Dorin’s sweat soaked hair fell into his eyes and whipped at his skin. His ripped trousers rubbed at the bloodied sores on his legs, causing him to wince, but the sight of his opponent’s equally damaged and cut-up skin made the their agreement not to wear armour worth the pain.

When you use speech, you shouldn’t capitalise the description after it. For example, ‘Justice has finally been done!’ He spat.’ Should be – he spat.

Also, you need to have commas, never full stops, between speech and the rest of the sentence, unless it’s an exclamation or question. E.g. ‘But brother,’ Horius forced from his mouth...’

Don’t like the use of ‘Raaarggghhh’ – sounds childish, not realistic.

Chapter 2 – your writing seems a lot smoother from the beginning of chapter 2

I liked your story but it does need work, best of luck!