Last Man Standing

OMG this is such a spellbinder! Will there be more? I can't wait to see what happens next!!

Hi David, I've read two chapters and enjoyed them thoroughly. You write well.
One suggestion is to merge your opening descriptions of Ailsa Craig and its lonely lighthouse -- a sort of rather detail-filled preface -- with the first chapter and start with your main characcter. It's hard to instantly relate to an island or a lighthouse, but easy to relate to Nolan, who's a strong character from the moment we meet him with Matty. I also liked Jock.
In chapter two we meet Rob and Fred returning from visiting Geoff and young Holly in Thailand. This reads true and the last line is a killer (literally).
A pleasure to back this and I shall return to read more.
Best wishes,
Barry
LITTLE RISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

Andrew,
Thanks for your comments, much appreciated.
I was struggling to place the darn thing in a genre.
You have placed it in Sci-fi. So Sci fi it is Thanks again.

Walter Embleton

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Steve. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing makes your science fiction thriller a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Steve. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing makes your science fiction thriller a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

This is a good story. You do a great job of explaining how germs from a single infected person could infect the whole world. Making Steve a lighthouse keeper is good plotting; keeps him out of the mainstream of things so he's not so heavily exposed. A strong point of the story is your writing style; it's clear and engaging and kept me turning pages to see if this could possibly have a happy ending. I'm adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

You change tense while describing Ailsa Craig and the lighthouse. This should all be in present tense eg 'is covered' not 'was covered' also some punctuation faults.
But quite apart from that, you don't need so much preamble, describing the island and its history. Begin with the keeper, waiting for the supply boat, and drop essential info into the narrative thereafter.
All my personal opinion, mind.
phil 'Eland Dances'

A very strong title and cover combination plus excellent pitches are a real enticement for a prospective read and that's exactly what we get here. The premise is chilling - not original by any means, but armageddon, by whatever means, will always have fascination and intrigue. 'What if?' is such a wonderful basis for a novel, particularly in the SF genre.
Opening with a description of Ailsa Craig, and the extreme isolation of the lighthouse is well conceived and we also get to meet the man who will become the survivor. His role as the MC will have to wait as you then take the story back three days and the unfortunate Rob boarding a plane. 'If he'd known that he would be dead by Tuesday...' - a well-judged hook, although I'd suggest you remove 'that' from the line.
These portents of doom continue: in chapter five with Tim Tak - 'In a couple of days he'd be dead' and again in chapter eight, back with Rob, 'He doesn't look very well.'
That's the scale of the deadly virus established, we're moving on to the effects of the deaths now and the 'survivor.' A very well paced story, sound editing throughout, and fine writing that doesn't attempt to overwhelm the reader with real or imagined science. Backing a book that will have great appeal on this site.
Jared.
Mummy's Boy.

I think you need to get this further up the ranks. Its awesome no-bullshit story. your discriptions are the kind I wish I could write someday, the pacing of your story doesn't start of as fast, but picks up after the second page, but I really got into it from the start thanks to your nice descriptions hehe. doesn't need much editing as far as I can tell either.

nice title.

Hi,

I backed your book several days ago, and would be happy to leave you a detailed comment if you would have a look at mine and give me your honest opinion of it.
Good luck.

Tim Chambers
Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes.

Hey JC,

Thanks for the backing. Much appreciated.
Will check out your book asap.

Thanks again,

David Embleton,
Last Man Standing

talk about being spot on currently - SHELVED!

I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

talk about being spot on currently - SHELVED!

I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Love the premise! Really taps into the current hysteria!

Hi,
Bit like Red Dwarf 'Then everyone died'.
Very nice concept and story.
The writing is excellent and the characterisations intrigueing.
Backed for a good read!

Steve,
What did you think of the return from the dead scene in chapter 7?

David Embleton,
Last man Standing

David,
As requested I took a look at Chapt. 5 at the introduction of Steve Nolan. It is very well written. There is something alluring about Light Houses and Nolan looks to be a solid character. The dialogue is crisp and natural and you have done a very good job of painting the unusual setting. The lone survivor premise is compelling, but I wonder if your story should start here instead, then flash back to some of the prior scenes. If Nolan is the protagonist it is unrealistic to hold readers off four chapters before they meet him. The writing is great, well done. Good luck with it.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

Steve,
What did you think of the return from the dead scene in chapter 7?

David Embleton,
Last man Standing

David,
As requested I took a look at Chapt. 5 at the introduction of Steve Nolan. It is very well written. There is something alluring about Light Houses and Nolan looks to be a solid character. The dialogue is crisp and natural and you have done a very good job of painting the unusual setting. The lone survivor premise is compelling, but I wonder if your story should start here instead, then flash back to some of the prior scenes. If Nolan is the protagonist it is unrealistic to hold readers off four chapters before they meet him. The writing is great, well done. Good luck with it.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

David,
As requested I took a look at Chapt. 5 at the introduction of Steve Nolan. It is very well written. There is something alluring about Light Houses and Nolan looks to be a solid character. The dialogue is crisp and natural and you have done a very good job of painting the unusual setting. The lone survivor premise is compelling, but I wonder if your story should start here instead, then flash back to some of the prior scenes. If Nolan is the protagonist it is unrealistic to hold readers off four chapters before they meet him. The writing is great, well done. Good luck with it.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

What a story. I just read the last five chapters. You are doing a great job of telling the day to day affects of a pandemic and how it unfolds. I still want to read more and will watch for it.

I notice you still have several extra words here and there, but a little editing and you will have a fantastic book. I don't know whether to consider Nolan lucky or not.

Great story

Trish
'Miranda'

Sangay,

thanks, sounds like you liked what you read.
What did you think of the back from the dead scene?

Young Davey......poor little lad.
Got to get the readers sympathy though.

His mother with the weird hair do's is a mirror of mine.
daft as a bat.

thanks again,

David

Hey David,

I came to look at chapter Seven and beyond. Poor Davey! Great as I remember from the first go round. Just a few typos to deal with, one I remembered from the spaceman's first phone call, but I was too engrossed to nick pick. I will see if my backing works again, not sure if this is a new upload or not so it can't hurt, aye?

A pleasure:)

Sangay Glass
Kate, Blue Jeans, and a Single Shot
Genni's Box

Hey David,

I came to look at chapter Seven and beyond. Poor Davey! Great as I remember from the first go round. Just a few typos to deal with, one I remembered from the spaceman's first phone call, but I was too engrossed to nick pick. I will see if my backing works again, not sure if this is a new upload or not so it can't hurt, aye?

A pleasure:)

Sangay Glass
Kate, Blue Jeans, and a Single Shot
Genni's Box

Chapter 1

A new twist on Stephen King's The Stand formula. Rapidly spreading and fast to kill virus... Probably the world's worst nightmare as we try to stay calm in the face of swine flu and bird flu and whatever else Mother Nature throws at us. (Duck flu apparently!) I think I'd prefer less foreshadowing, David. You know, TELLING us their fates. Because as you introduce the characters and their backstories --interesting as they are-- I'm sitting here wondering: Why should I care about these people? They'll all be dead in 48 hours! Maybe keep the focus solely on Rob for now? I dunno. I'd have to read on to see what direction the story is headed. Apart from that the writing is solid.

Cheers

John

good to see a character called fred. not nearly enough of those for my taste.

despite the numbers of characters, this reads easily and well.

it is a style well suited to building up a big and complex picture, one brush-stroke at a time, and it mirrors the spread of the virus. it is a style i especially enjoy, it mirrors important strains in modern society, and you pull it off really well.

last man standing (good title) is an ambitious and imaginative exploration of a terrible ending, an ending which seems uncomfortably close, as close as the next breath we take.

shelved for ambition and skilfully different writing which should appeal to many readers.

freddie
("honour")

Trish,
Thanks, for your comments glad you enjoyed it so far.
A lot more going up this weekend. This will get us right iinto the heart of the story.
Hope you stay with it,

Thanks again,

david Embleton,
Laast Man Standing

Just finished the next three chapters, and this is really fascinating. I hope you'll be putting more up. Can't wait to read more.

Trish

Helena,
Thank you,
Thank you, you are the first person to realise what I was doing with all of the characters.
It is important to realise just how easy it is to spread a virus. As the story progresses it becomes more apparent.
The main character 'hero' if you like can only come into the fray once the die has been cast.

How he copes with it all is a different matter.

I am editing like crazy and will be uploading quite a bit before the weekend.

I hope you enjoy the rest of it.

David Embleton,
Last Man Standing

Hi Davis, I've just read the first three chapters and at the beginning I was split on the tellin of this story. I'll try to explain what I mean, there are quite a few characters which we are constantly being introduced to and then they lave us again. I wasn't sure that this worked but as I read on I began to realise that this method was working, I thought of all these minute characters and the snippets you gave us of their lives, then I thought of all the people they met and the places they were going and suddenly the enormity of the spread of the virus became apparent. Its nicely done! I take on board the point below made by Ariom, I do think it may be a good idea to tell each chapter from a different characters viewpoint this would keep the same idea of the spread while not confusing the reader. I think this is nicely written and obviously since I read 3 chapters it stayed with me and I found it intriguing. Its on the shelf! Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

Just finished the next three chapters, and this is really fascinating. I hope you'll be putting more up. Can't wait to read more.

Trish

Great opening and such logical explanations of how quickly the flu can be spread. He was really unlucky to be bitten by a chicken and duck at the same time.

I agree with some of the comments below. It does need a bit of editing, but it doesn't distract that much from the flow of the story. You do have me hooked and I can't wait to read more.

This is the type of book that fascinates me, and it is going on my shelve and I will continue to read with much interest.

Trish

Personally, I like the style you've taken here. With some cleaning up, it will shut up critics.

For example, when you say "breaking out into a sweat" you don't need to tell us he's uncomfortable. Look throughout for examples of this--where your writing leads us to the conclusion, then re-states the conclusion (I've had to edit like heck for that, too).

The only other issue is the use of adverbs almost exclusively. Instead of "Rob feeling bad" it would flow more easily as "Rob felt bad about .. ."

Also, commas are going to be needed around most clauses where you do use the adverbs. One I can see as I write is "Pressing her back against the door, she shuddered . . . "

Even with those nits, it's an enjoyable read.
Stuart Phillips
High Cotton

Hi Davis, I've just read the first three chapters and at the beginning I was split on the tellin of this story. I'll try to explain what I mean, there are quite a few characters which we are constantly being introduced to and then they lave us again. I wasn't sure that this worked but as I read on I began to realise that this method was working, I thought of all these minute characters and the snippets you gave us of their lives, then I thought of all the people they met and the places they were going and suddenly the enormity of the spread of the virus became apparent. Its nicely done! I take on board the point below made by Ariom, I do think it may be a good idea to tell each chapter from a different characters viewpoint this would keep the same idea of the spread while not confusing the reader. I think this is nicely written and obviously since I read 3 chapters it stayed with me and I found it intriguing. Its on the shelf! Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

Please understand all of this is just my opinion, but it is offered in order to assist you. If you find it offensive or annoying otherwise and want the comment deleted, just message me and I’ll remove it, okay.
First of all, to improve the presentation, check your punctuation. At the end of direct speech and before the quote marks, you need a comma, full stop, question mark, or something.
Go through this and put in the necessary apostrophes for ownership, but remember it’s always means it is or it has, while its is the possessive – but has no apostrophe. You don’t need an apostrophe for a common plural, either. e.g. painkillers, packs … no apostrophe needed.
Watch out for those sentences you have that start with an ‘ –ing ‘ word; make sure they are complete sentences and they say what you want them to say. ( e.g. Knowing that Kim Tak the communications officer on the plane would be there. This is not a sentence. Try it like this: She knew that the plane’s communication officer, Kim Tak, would be there. )
Also check your other sentences; in some cases you should use an ‘ –ed’ word. E.g. The stall owner …. admonished (not admonishing) Rob … ‘
It is conventional to use words for numbers – twenty not 20, fifteen not 15. But we write years in numerals. Go figure!
Is it a virus? If so, I don’t think you need ‘microbes’ as well. I’m not well informed on this, but I think it can be either a virus OR a microbe, but not both. I’d suggest virus alone.
Several times you say Rob (and others) will be dead within a number of hours or days. Do you think it could be more effective to state this fact once only, early or late in the chapter?
Have you considered breaking this very long first chapter up into several shorter ones?
My last recommendation is that you decide who the main character in each scene is, and tell it from his/her POV. I’m part way into the first chapter and you are going backwards and forwards between Rob and Fred, both of whom are going to die soon anyway. Better for this if you stay in Rob’s head. The overall story however, is about Steve, isn’t it? Consider whether you NEED all of this information and detail in the first part of the first chapter. Now I am the last person who should be preaching about maintaining a consistent viewpoint as I am notoriously bad at it myself (but not as bad as I used to be!); however it does improve the quality and focus of a story if you can do this.
Apocalyptic fiction, as it seems to be called, has great potential, so work at this one. And feel free to tell me where to shove my comments, as they are only my opinion, okay. But I hope they will help.
I wrote all this without checking out other comments, so please forgive me if I’ve repeated something you’ve already been told.
Regards and best wishes,
Ariom

Hi Shoshana,
thanks for the comments gratefully accept as always.
You know I have seen the I am Legend with Will Smith. It actually annoyed me having the 'zombies' in it. I mean with my premise, the end of the world is maybe the end of the world.
You read about this stuff and the papers are full of scare stories for days after.

A lot of people are commenting and are saying that it is taking to long to get to the main story. But to mind mind it's half of the story knowing how you got there. The build up. My sister is a nurse,no I haven't let her read the book, but i'm trying to make it authentic.

Almost to the end of the first section editing now so the next part our hero comes into it.
I don't like description, so I try to keep it to the minimum. You can say that someone is tall with salt and pepper hair. I find when I read that I form a picture in my mind as to what the person looks like.

As a matter of interest could you tell me what you think Rob Dryden looks like?

Anyway thanks again.
Got yours printed off ready to enthrall the grandaughter. She's really into the princess and fairy scene.

Superwal, David walter Embleton

Your premise reminds me of the Will Smith movie "I Am Legend" but without the 'zombie people'--which makes yours a good deal more appealing, to my mind.
Obviously, it's so topical, possible, and some say, even probable that it's terrifying. And extremely compelling. Good choice.
Now about the writing itself, I am no editor, but over-all, I'd say it's quite good. I found nothing to slow me down, and that's saying something! You're dealing with a ton of information here, as well as a sophisticated plot, and I think you handle it deftly. The only thing that springs to mind is that you might want to split your chapter one up into 2 chapters--but this is a very small thing.
Over-all, my general 'gut reaction' to this is very good. If I was in library or shop right now, I'd be sauntering up to the counter. Well done!
Shelved with my compliments.
Shoshanna Einfeld
A True Faerie Story

YOu will probably catch flak about your use of............well, you know. Its totally up to you of course, but the pitch is what draws readers and changing them will lose you none. Keeping them might lose you a few. As forthe story itslef its great and On my shelf.

I like the style of your writing and will watch this for a while.
Two points, related to each other.

1) With the onset of the swine flu pandemic the threat of birdflu, although just as real and important to epidemiologists and WHO, is maybe a touch out of date to the public mind, you might want to go a touch more exotic, there are plenty of nasty bugs you could dig up with a little research.

2) Having read your pitch, when you get into the story, the actual virus might be just a McGuffin and the post apocalyptic search much more important to the novel. In that case many readers might not get to important bit because of being put off by what they consider to be stale concept of point 1. You might consider starting off with your lighthouse keeper starting out on his search and then cutting to your beginning chapters as flash back

You are doing the spread of infection quite well and I would usually advise keeping flashback to a minimum but I think for this to work well you may need to start farther into the story

I'm putting you on my watch list as I think this could work, you have a good tone of voice. I may put you on the shelf depending on how fast the reader can get to apocalypse

Even though I mangle through the genre with jokes, I do love apocalyptic fiction and you grabbed me right from the off with this. There is a perfectly evoked sense of dread leaning on the story arc which you handle well; being told a plane's passengers will be dead in seventy-two hours is enough to drag anybody into a plot.
All the best with this.

Dave

Hi David:
Since I've worked in travel I was immediately caught up in chapter 1. There is a good sense of foreshadowing or foreboding here with the sneezing and the dirty kleenexs being left behind. It makes a good start to a Michael Crighton type thriller and I can see it as a real page-turning read.

I did feel you need to break chapter 1 up. It's too long--definitely for on-line reading--but my understanding is that thrillers should be written in short chapters ending in what they call "cliff-hanging" moments. You have plenty of them, For example you could start a new chapter with the paragraph that begins "Rob apologized to Fred and crammed...." There's a good "cliff-hanging" moment at the end of that paragraph. And it definitely should be cut by the time you go into the new heading "Monday September 28th".

I think this has got real good potential. Just needs a good edit for now.

Betty K "The Huguenot's Destiny"

David -- this is such a good read. A sci-fi thriller -- who would have thought? The only complaint I have is that you might want to watch your adverb usage (start from the pitch and work down -- I have the same problem), but other than that, I found nothing not to like here. A well-written page turner, which does exactly what a thriller is supposed to do (get the reader interested and keep them reading to find out what happens next). Great work, and worth a backing.

Interesting concept. Well worth a spin on my shelf. The only real nit-picky edits I found are punctuation.
Ch 1: …his friends wife… should be friend’s wife.
…Geoff and Hollys relationship. Should be Hollly’s
...Hollys silken bodied… should be Holly’s.
‘What happened to your hand?. It looks nasty that ‘ Messed up punctuation.

Good luck,
Amanda

Well, I guess this is what would have happened if the bird flu was actually a threat. haha. Very well-written. Fast-paced thriller. Awesome characters. WL

Hi,

I like the idea of this. I love it when the world ends. There's not enough of it here to see how it pans out, but from the pitch it sounds promising.

On the negatives; others have pointed out (in your comments) that this needs a fair edit for punctuation, in particular.

Other point that struck me - if this is epic, which I don't know, the detail in the first chapter is fine. If you're going for page turning blockbuster territory, I'd suggest (as have others) that the first chapter be cut down, get to the real story quicker.

As with all the comments I give, I'm full of crap. Feel free to ignore me.

Good luck with this - promising, definitely.

Elaina, thanks very much for your input. If you liked what you have read so far you are going to love the rest.
The main story takes off when we meet Steve Nolan the lighthouse keeper.
I will get into the editing. But grammar isn't my strong point as you have seen.

thanks again.

David Embleton

PS.................I am in the north east of England now but lived for 17 years in Boksburg.

Great premise- it certainly caught my attention. This title is better than the other, but you must know it isn't unique (a re-think?). To the tale itself. I've said this of two books recently- I see this as a movie. I can see it unfold as I read! Well done. Nitpicks- punctuation. Robs - Rob's, commas/stops before closing dialogue, and at one point you have a question mark and a stop together. Now, I know how these errors slip through, so this is merely a head's up and an edit will fix most. Your writing and plot, I feel, carries weight and thus I'm giving it a whirl on my shelf.

All the best
Elaina

David,
You have a great story working here and it draws the reader along. Now you need to infect the readers with a reading virus. I think it just needs a little editing. In the opener you have some very long paragraphs that need breaking apart and a lot of indirect dialogue that needs to be converted to direct dialogue with quotes. That will pick up the pace. Keep up the good work, this is a fun read. Good luck with it.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

I like the theme of this story. You have some fantastic touches and dialog. Really liked Fiona's concern when found Rob. It was very touching. Still, you do have a bit of work to do.

The plot is laid out beautifully, but I have to wonder how much of what's going on will drive the story. If it is the story of Steve searching for others...and none of the people mentioned here show up. I'd feel cheated. I like the idea if following the viral spread, but it's all to technical. Do we need to know every medical procedure? Will it matter. Same with the folks on the plane. A little intro to each, is fine, unless they are major players. Doing a little trimming will get us to the action faster.

You will hear about POV shifts. I don't mind them, but you'll need to create some sort of barrier like>><< or *** or ~~~ so we can see them coming.

Then we have the extra words all writer's are plagued by: "That" "had" ...If he had known he that he would be dead by Tuesday.... If he knew he'd be dead by Tuesday... This is also a POV shift from robs thoughts to narrator. I'm sure you'll find in Genni's Box that I'm trying something new with narrator /character shifts as the character talks to the narration in his head. lol..I hope it works.

Anyway, I really think with some work you'll have an awesome story. I'll stick it on my shelf for a little exposure. I'm sure you'll have more detailed crits.

Sangay Glass
Kate, Blue Jeans, and a Single Shot
Genni's Box

eerily familiar....did you get my message?

Yes I did. Did you not get my reply?

H5N5 was the original title of my book as this was the name of the virus.
But I thought that this title was a little more.............with it?

thanks again.

eerily familiar....did you get my message?

love the title!