Bleeding Heart - Broken Soul

You have a great craft of describing the scenery and action. The hissing and frighting gave me chills. It's a page turning beginning for what is ahead for Eve and Nexus.
There has been a huge market, for quite a while, for vampire and werewolf stories, and as your book is well written, edited and polished, I think all you need is luck now.
If you want your paragraphs to show up as indented- click the tab key twice before each. It looks odd on the doc, but it works once uploaded on this site.
High stars and staying on my watch list for now. I have a bit of a backlog with backings.
Take care, Jes.

Well, I've read your uploads and enjoyed your story very much.

First of all I love your pitch.

Secondly, I love the name Milton Hill :) I could actually picture the shopping centre because I know it well. My daughter goes to Bukingham and support MK Dons :)

You have written this story well and it definitely pulled me in. I don't usually go for this genre, but yours is different and I'm not just saying that. It is spooky and dark, even the way you describe the night and Eve not being scared to walk in it is very believable. I can identify with Eve in that respect, I enjoy walking about at night.

The love triangle is different too. The heroin will always love the vampire but Eve loves Ben the human, which puts an interesting spin on it.

It is a smooth read and I spotted no errors, but I am no expert, all I know is I enjoyed it. Are you going to upload more?

I do like the strap line. It really puts the hook in with that 'until the day she died'. Cleverness allied to craft is apparent throughout this novel. The author has been very careful and astute in the way she builds the drama, then releases the tension as the story moves on, allowing the reader to digest the plot and envisage what may happen next. If the author applies the same degree of focus and invention to constructing a finale and builds the work to the 80,000 words threshold BH-BS will make a very good fantasy thriller. Recommended and highly starred.

Clive Radford
Doghouse Blues

I went looking for this particular genre and in never let me down. I would never even contemplate such a book but am trying to broaden my horizon. It gripped me from the word go and wouldnt let me put it down. I can see you have put a lot of effort into it. So well done.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R)

Hello Amy, I like your honest down to earth profile. I am also not interested in spending hours chatting on authonomy just to get my book on someone's shelf. I don’t see the point of getting there anyway. I have never asked anyone to read my story. It is there to take or to leave as their fancy takes them. Your G C S E, outranks my education of more than 60 years ago.
I have read the first chapter of, Bleeding Heart - Broken Soul. I liked it because it was so unpretentious, it flows because you say it in a voice that is plain. You didn’t search the thesaurus for longer descriptive words, and that made easy to read. You say it as if you are talking directly to the reader, and that’s what good story telling is about. Okay, it needs further editing; a bit of polishing is always necessary, it never seems to end does it? Your story is good, and you tell it very well, so that will keep a reader interested. I will be supporting your book when I can find a space on my shelf. My kind regards, Ken.

Hello Amy, thanks for backing my book, hope you enjoy. I think you are being a bit hard on yourself, I've looked at your story and it looks very interesting. As for this site, I quite agree that you could spend hours on it, but no-one will read anyones stuff if they don't know it's there! Catch 22! Anyway, I think the best thing is the actual creating and writing of the story in the first place... if people like it when it's done then fine. I had great fun writing mine, not counting the frequent tearing out of my hair, banging my head on the wall, and running up the road screaming!
Best Wishes
Paul

HI there,

Ive only read the first chapter so far. I'm really interested to read more but have run out of time at the moment. I really like the premise of the story and your MC seems fully rounded and believable.

I did notice a few problems which i thought i might be able to help with, ive listed these below. The main thing that i think though, is that the chapter is very long. It could easily have been broken up into two. In fact, i think it should have ended at her attack in the alley and then chapter two pick up when she awakens on her sofa. I just think that it would give it a bit more of a bang.

Th main problems i noticed, were that the sentences tended to run on quite a bit. Where commas were i think it would have been better recieved as a period. Also, you have quite a few run on sentences which could do with being broken up by commas. Ive played around with two paragraphs below to give you an idea of what i mean.

- The town of Milton Hill(,) unfolded beyond me as i criss cross through the empty parking spaces of the empty shopping complex(.) Making my way down the small incline that would take me to the alleyway between the centres delivery building(,) and the shops(,) and lead me home from there.

- I could just see the distant light of the red-way(,) when a rumbling growl sounded (out) behind me(.) I could no longer ignore the presence that had caught up with me. My breath (snagged as you have already used the word caught in your previous statement and need to avoid word repetition) in my throat(,) and i swung around(,) gasping in surprise when i was met with two pairs of glaring red eyes.

-There was a sentence i wasnt sure on - The streetlights that should have eliminates the alley was broken - this seems incompleet to me. Is there a word missing from this sentence or is it a typo?
- Avoid pointless(ly) hurting myself
- Despite the rain, then, now and anytime. (i dont understand this line)

I hope my comments are useful. Take them all with a pinch of salt, they are just thoughts, so ignore them if you think i'm wrong.
I'm going to read more, as i'm pretty certain i know what the red eyes are, and it doesnt feel like a vampire to me!
I like the premise of the story, and you have a terrific way with words.

Kind regards

Claire C Riley
Limerence

A fascinating insight into a mind someone turning into a vampire .....or so it seems, from the first chapter. It is not my usual genre, but I was hooked by your clear style. The use of first person helped me to see the story from the POV of Eve. Your graphic descriptions and telling of Eve's dilemma brought the story alive, and made it full of tension. I feel for Eve, and want to know what is happening to her, and her life. So you've no problem with storytelling. Well done.

There are a few areas you might want to look at though -

- Pgh 6 - "The streetlight that should eliminate the alley was broken. {should be - illuminate the alley...

- The Pgh beginning - "The feeling of being watched .......that it was a stray rummaging ...." { delete "it was"}

- "Standing up properly, I stretched my back." I wasn't sure what you meant by - standing up properly. Maybe it is about something to come?

- Ben arrived annoyed with Eve for not calling him, but he doesn't appear to see the mess she's in? Later she goes to the bathroom and has a shower and cleans herself up, so he should have noticed. Or do I have that wrong? If this is a plot hole, you need to fill it up.

Otherwise, there is good tension and some realistic sounding descriptions in your writing.

Well done. Highly starred. And on my Watchlist.

Good luck with this!

The mind of a vampire, "Bleeding Heart-Broken Soul" is truely a great story line that I enjoyed to the completion of what is on Authonomy. I am by no means an expert on grammer, so I will leave the comments to the experts.

"A Raw Nerve", I will make a small comment about the title. If I might, I will suggest that you shorten the title and call it "Raw Nerve". Having read that this is based on a true story, my sincere hope is that all ends well for Kasey and it seems as though Simon could be the answer to her prayers, I suspect that she is not through with Jason by a long shot.
I have read both of your storys to completion of what is posted and am giving you Five Stars for "Bleeding Heart-Broken Soul" and Four Stars for "A Raw Nerve".
It is very hard for me to remove a book from my bookshelf, so when I get a chance to read the remainders, I will reevaluate them.
Thanks for finding a place on your bookshelf for "Before the Beginning".
Wishing you the best of everything.
May God Bless and keep you.
Henry E Allan:

Many things I liked about the first few chapters of this book. I really enjoyed the slow complex transformation from human to vamp and the retribution visited on the would be rapists. I think that will cut a chord with many vulnerable sections of your readership. There's a core of power to this book and I feel that Eve is the catalyst. This is one of my favourite areas of fiction and it must be extremely hard to find the *way in* to this now hyped genre. But you have managed to create something that, I believe, is both commercial and credible. Not an easy thing to do.

I feel that your writing style begins to relax and become definable after the first chapter - although I think there is always a tension in our first few chapters as we search for the voice and story. I am happy to back and star. Well Done.

Hi A.

this isn't my usual read, but I'm glad I came across your story. Vampire stories can be quite laughable but you managed to make it exciting and shocking at the same time. I found the book very well conceived and written in a convincing manner. I liked the way you brought together the completely unreal and matched it to the mundane while adding a huge helping of tension to make it believable. Highly starred and backed.

Ame
Wolfmother

Amy,

I like all the white space you put in the text. Like Robert Olen Butler, your writing has a sensual flow to it. It needs some editing and the first chapter could be divided into two chapters, but overall I think this is excellent. I actually like your newer book a little better, but this one is the higher rank so I'm backing it and giving it high stars.

Andrew

Just read the first chapter and found it a good read. I like the way you have built up the new feelings and senses that Eve has developed. The way she is confused about the whole situation adds to the build up and the sequence of events she goes through raises the tension.
You have written at a great pace and kept this up throughout the chapter so that the reader easily gets drawn in.
I found a few things that I felt nneded changing - mainly typos, but I'll message you those.
Great start!
Mike.
(Way Back To Devil's Mountain)

Hi Amy,
Blleding Heart - Broken Soul, great title and great story. The transformation into a Vampire is detailed perfectly, really getting into the mind of Eve I felt the tension and fear enveloping her - very emotive.
I read that you are currently revising the book so I hope I can help a little.
Be careful when using words with a past tense when writing in the present tense. Words such as got, had and was need to be used sparingly, if at all.
For example, your chapter starting 'The image I saw.... Perhaps change to something like 'The image upon my eyes differed to the reality in the flat before me. I writhed uncontrollably to the ground, unable to comprehend my detachment. Memories twitched like an electrical etc........
Best wishes for the rewrite, Mike Harrow.

Hi Amy,

Sorry it has taken so long to comment on this, I totally understand where you are coming from with your profile comments about not having enough hours in the day!

In fact I have started reading your first chapter a number of times but each time I have been interrupted or only had time to read so far and then had to do something else. And then I'm afraid I must admit that rather than re-read the next time I've logged in I've plumped for something else off my watchlist. Now before I ramble too much there is a point to this, and it is that for some reason this hadn't gripped me quite as it should and for the purpose of this comment I think that this is a key point. It's hard to judge chapter length when reading on an iPhone but your first chapter seems quite long and also covers a number of scenes; the attack, the confusion upon waking, the return to the alley, and then the ransacked flat. Perhaps more bite sized chunks would have made this easier for me to read?

Having said that there are some fine aspects to your writing and I think it is the structure that has got in the way if me enjoying this rather than either your plot or your writing. There were very few typos (I did spot an eliminated that I thought should be illuminated) and your characters confusion comes across well, plus she comes across as an MC readers will be happy to follow through the story.

After reading some of the comments below I think I should this a second chance and move onto chapter 2 at which point I will comment again.

Best wishes,

James

Hey I just finished Chapter 1, and I'm really enjoying your book so far! It's an easy read, and your story flows smoothly. :)

Other than a few grammatical errors, I believe you are on the right track and have the makings of a bestseller story. The only suggestion I have would be to make sure there are differences between your story and Twilight. You will have a ready-made audience, with it being a paranormal vampire story, but you don't want readers to think you are copying Stephenie. You can avoid too close of a comparison by changing the amount of time for Eve to transform (Twilight has a 3-day process) and choosing a different enemy (werewolf/vampire rivalries are becoming a bit overused).

Your descriptions are written wonderfully, and I can see the story unfold in my mind as I read. That is definitely one of your strengths. All-in-all, great job!!

Please take a look at my book, The Keeper, as I love receiving suggestions/advice on my writing. I'm always looking to improve! THANKS!!! :)

A good descriptiuon of the first party transgression from human to vampire. Only one phrase I thougt read wrong was 'pissed on alcohol' where just pissed may have sufficed. Dialogue was strong and believable and an interesting protagonist who is confused in her new state but seems to manage to cling onto her old life enough to deal with her problem.

Highly starred, good luck with this.

Maria

Hi Amy,
I have only read the first chapter so far but found it an intriguing beginning. You describe the story world very well and I can picture everything clearly. Your main character', Eve's, sense of confusion is clear and this gives the events a good sense of believability. I like the initial action and the way you have plunged us straight into the story with no unnecessary explanations. You introduce the characters of her friend and boyfriend well, again with no excess information,only adding the details as we need to know about them. I think this is one of your strengths, the pacing is very well done. I felt the interior monologue worked well too.

Overall I think you have all the components of a great read, good plot, characters and setting. The only think that I think requires some attention is your grammar. At times, your sentence structure doesn't make grammatical sense. I can see what you are trying to say, though and just a few adjustments would make it read better.
I also noticed you use the word 'as' a lot.
Also 'I can't be sure why I didn't just call the police' is written in the past tense whereas the rest is in the present.

The paragraph beginning 'The sky darkened' is lovely and the bit where she wants to eat her own skin is beautifully written. I really felt her emotions as I read it. Loved the bit where she hissed at the dog too.
I look forward to reading some more soon
Best wishes
Kirstie

Hi, this isn't at all my genre but you were kind enough to back my book so i have read your uploaded chapters. I must say I enjoyed it more than I expected. I liked the transformation and the way she is so confused. Her trip to the supermarket and her eating the raw meat was disgusting but very vividly and well written. I liked her toughness with the two men in chapter 2 and was intrigued by her meeting with Nexus. I made a few notes as I went along. Someone else has given some comments on chapter 1 so I have concentrated on Chapter 2. These are just suggestions on the flow of the language and moments when the reader might stumble a little and lose the thread of the story.

'I allowed the soft notes to drift over and through me, steeling through my bones;' - should be 'stealing'
'to sate my apetite with' - with which to sate my appetite.
'it was a blues night as' - a blues night so
'where people may feel' - where people might feel
'but my almost full drink stayed behind and made a beeline' - and I made a beeline
'licking each drop of blood off of my fingers' - omit 'of'
'any luck I had, had got up and gone on holiday' - nice phrase but a bit clumsy in my opinion maybe just write 'my luck had got up and gone on holiday' ?
'a collection of trees' - a group of trees ? some trees ?
'it was scary but oddly calmly' - it was scary but oddly calm
'his were the jade' omit 'the'
'something that the human's of this world' - humans
'got another thing coming buddy' - got another think coming,buddy.'

These are just suggestions which you can ignore if you want to. I did enjoy reading it. Are you going to post any more? I'd be happy to look at anything offline if you want.
Good luck with your writing and keep going.
Fontaine.

Dear Amy,

I read chapter 1 of "Bleeding Heart -Broken Soul " yesterday itself.

You have depicted the protagonist's gradual transformation/transfiguration into a vampire with remarkable elucidation.

The scene where the dog , horrified at Eve's hiss,turns around and runs amok hauling its confused sitter up the grassy hill could not have been more vivid.

There are a few points I must tell you which I hope will stand you in good stead(Although I am not an expert as my profile will have you guess)

All the errors Nathan Maki had already pointed out are worth attending to.
The fire escape ;does it have any more role to play in the story?(Or is it just a subterfuge to divert the readers' curiosity?)

...masses of rubbish out **the back of unlit stores('of 'missing)
..circle me like PREY>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(circle her like predators / circle her as if she was their prey)
I never slept OUT here>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>('in")
,yet I could not shake *** the very real vision of those>>>>>>>>>('off' missing)
How did I end up on the sofa and get home from the alley?>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(reverse it chronologically to>>>>How did I get home from the alley and end up on the sofa?)
not so clean>>>>>>>>>(not-so-clean)
"Your mobile is going ...voicemail and you haven't EITHER answered your phone in two days>>>>>>>>(...and you haven't answered your phone in two days either")
....CONSTENT dawdle>>>>>>>>>>>>>>('constant')
Nevertheless though>>>>(redundancy---though not required)
'I had left five inch LONG TRENCHES IMPRINTED in the stone'.>>>>>>>>>>>>>( you mean 5 inch deep/long 'dents' on the stone surface?)
BIN bag>>>>>>>>>>(garbage)
The TRIP probably should have sent me falling >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(crash/or some other suitable word)
I had SPARKED a cigarette>>>>>>( lighted)
...the reason I had brought it was BECAUSE it was my initial>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(replace with 'that')
..........later compare TO >>>>('with')
I couldn't be sure whether it was because ................to think about smoking>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>( How about this >>>>>>>>"I couldn't be sure whether I had been too preoccupied with my face and my own bizarre behavior to think about smoking".)
Why is it**** the cuts don't hurt?>>>>( insert 'that')
.....only two nights BEFOREHAND>>(before/back)

You must be careful about the choice of words/DICTION when you write which I think is the only vulnerable aspect in your writing.
Your profile says you do not have any formal education in creative writing. Shakespeare, Hemingway and Herman Hesse -they did not either.(Shakespeare was ,according to Eric Partridge , accused of employing the biggest ungrammatical usage -he wrote "the MOST unkindEST cut of all" -which is double superlative in itself.
I hope you make the necessary amendments when you knuckle down to editing your book next time.
Even without that, It sure is a page turner and I give you a five star rating.

Thank you again for backing my book.

Keep writing.

Rgds
SWORDMUZIC

Hi there, just here to read and comment on your book as promised. :) Sorry it's been a while, I've had a long list of reads.

I like the first chapter, especially her confusion over what has happened to her. I think it would be even more effective if we somehow didn't know that she'd been changed into a vampire, because the reader doesn't share her confusion, we're looking at the signs and saying, "How long will it take her to realize what's happened?" When of course any sane person would be just as confused as her in her situation and so would us readers if we didn't have the pitches to tell us what's happened. You do a very good job of unfolding her change throughout the chapter, as well as some snippets of her personality, such as liking animals. I do think perhaps her personality could come through a bit more in this first chapter though. There's so much focus on the change going on in her that we don't learn much at all about her as a person. For instance you mention her work, and then later, "The garage" but we don't know what job she has. You call her life irrelevant, but in what way? Is that her perception of her life at that point? Or her perception of her life after the change looking back at her life before she became a vampire? It would be nice to know more about her if you can weave it in.

These are a few impressions and comments I jotted them down as I read through.

I really like the word picture of the yellow security lights bouncing off the garbage bags. I really got the feel of the alley with that line.

Unlike nothing is a kind of double negative. The usual phrasing is Unlike anything I think.

"I felt terribly guilty for not being telling him" sounds rather awkward.

I slammed the door on my question...nice wording. :)

"and call try calling Joe" editing typo probably.

"due to my head was spinning" Maybe "because my head was spinning" or "due to the fact my head was spinning." ?

"as the force of the all the little bursts" typo

"a dirty ash grey colour" colour is implied so you don't really need to say "colour".

"no humanly way" should it be "humanly possible?"

Overall you write very well, and I'm interested to read on and find out how Eve manages the life thrust upon her. It sounds like you've got a very suspenseful thriller on your hands here! Five stars and best wishes for your success!

Nathan Maki - A War Within

Hi there, just here to read and comment on your book as promised. :) Sorry it's been a while, I've had a long list of reads.

I like the first chapter, especially her confusion over what has happened to her. I think it would be even more effective if we somehow didn't know that she'd been changed into a vampire, because the reader doesn't share her confusion, we're looking at the signs and saying, "How long will it take her to realize what's happened?" When of course any sane person would be just as confused as her in her situation and so would us readers if we didn't have the pitches to tell us what's happened. You do a very good job of unfolding her change throughout the chapter, as well as some snippets of her personality, such as liking animals. I do think perhaps her personality could come through a bit more in this first chapter though. There's so much focus on the change going on in her that we don't learn much at all about her as a person. For instance you mention her work, and then later, "The garage" but we don't know what job she has. You call her life irrelevant, but in what way? Is that her perception of her life at that point? Or her perception of her life after the change looking back at her life before she became a vampire? It would be nice to know more about her if you can weave it in.

These are a few impressions and comments I jotted them down as I read through.

I really like the word picture of the yellow security lights bouncing off the garbage bags. I really got the feel of the alley with that line.

Unlike nothing is a kind of double negative. The usual phrasing is Unlike anything I think.

"I felt terribly guilty for not being telling him" sounds rather awkward.

I slammed the door on my question...nice wording. :)

"and call try calling Joe" editing typo probably.

"due to my head was spinning" Maybe "because my head was spinning" or "due to the fact my head was spinning." ?

"as the force of the all the little bursts" typo

"a dirty ash grey colour" colour is implied so you don't really need to say "colour".

"no humanly way" should it be "humanly possible?"

Overall you write very well, and I'm interested to read on and find out how Eve manages the life thrust upon her. It sounds like you've got a very suspenseful thriller on your hands here! Five stars and best wishes for your success!

Nathan Maki - A War Within

I read through the first chapter. Your short and long pitches are good.
This is a dynamic story from the first sentence. There are a few awkward sentences you might want to take a look at. I like the part about the dog, how she wanted to kill the dog. Very creative, Eve doesn't know she's a vampire and it is slowly being revealed to her, little by little. Good luck with this! Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

BLEEDING HEART
This is a story which grabs a reader from the very beginning. I don’t usually care for vampire stories but this one is different; it’s not so much about being a vampire as learning to become a vampire. Makes it easy for a reader to relate to the main character as she experiences all these new sensations and actions. I’m adding this to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

I love your first chapter and first person POV makes the drama very compelling. She is a believable character and the way she gradually notices the differences after she turns vamp is very cool. I really get the feeling of being inside her head. Good ending to the chapter too..makes me want to read on. There are a few little grammar mistakes and I wondered why she uses the fire exit to leave work instead of the regular door, this kind of hung me up for a minute right at the beginning, especially with the talk about the lighter...I wondered if she is an arsonist or something, but then nothing developed so what was the point of all that? This is confusing and stops the reader from being pulled into the story. But the drama is done very well and it has a very dark feeling, loved it. ~Gail

I like the meeting with her friend Sarah and attempts to maintain that everything is normal when they're clearly not. Very scary stuff. I think you have a talent for the gothic horror.

Wow no dilly-dallying in this story, straight into the action and the turning. Your story flows nicely and your main charter has a real presence about her that i like. Your grammar needs a little bit of work here and there, but i dare say so does mine, lol. You premise that your main charter gets attack by something other then a vampire, and that the vampire is the one coming to her aid is original and refreshing and is something that will deff be something that makes your story stand out from other vampire storys, loved it :-)

I've had a read of some of your book :) it's an interesting plot, and I think the subject matter is very popular at the moment - vampires are a hot commodity right now! I do enjoy that sort of thing so this definitely piqued my curiosity.

The description of the attack felt really good to me, from the sense of panic to her disorientation afterwards. I did think though that Eve's reactions when she realises she's been out for two days and all her injuries fade and here eyes change colour, seem very understated. She doesn't across as very worried, not in an urgent sense - it seems more like it's mildly puzzling for her, which isn't the reaction I'd expect from someone who was attacked and now facing all sorts of unusual occurrences.

Other than that though, I think you have a good story to tell here and a main character who keeps the pace of the story going well. I also like how the action starts quite early on, which hooks the reader in.

Good luck with it :)

KT

Hi Amy,
Thanks for backing my book, I have had a quick read at your pitch and added it to my watchlist. It is not my normal cup of tea but hopefully I will get a chance to read it over the next few weeks as I am, like you, very busy outside this new world.
Good luck
Calum

chapter one is written so well, it's as if I was watching a movie rather than just reading.
Gillian - THE PATIENT ATE A MOUSE

Hi Amy,

Just shooting you a return read.

Pitches:
In the short pitch, say her name instead of “she”

“22-year old” should be “22-year-old”

I wouldn’t use ellipses. There’s no need for it there and from what I hear, publishers hate it.
In the long pitch, “a City”…city shouldn’t be capitalized

I don’t think you have to say “scarily.” If she’s dangerous, it should be assumed that she’s scary, too.

For the pitches, there is too much synopsis and not enough hooks. Plus, the info you allude to isn’t clarified when it needs to be. Most of the pitches on Authonomy aren’t the best (I don’t claim mine is fantastic), but these are things you might take a look at.

Chapter one
The quote should probably be cited, even if it’s from your book.

Kind of a weak opening first couple of paragraphs.

Good imagery of the dark streets and store fronts

“It was late…” we already know this from your imagery.

Spooky first chapter! And you end It with a powerful bit of imagery…SCENT (the most forgotten sense in literary writing). I enjoyed this. High stars, and I”ll be suggesting it as a Halloween read for folks.

Good luck and all the best!
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

wow, this was fast paced! i like how you start off with a big bang almost instantly. people with short attention spans, like me, wont find themselves quitting early. i really like your short pitch... the "until the day she died" definitly made me want to read more. one little thing id like to suggest is your long pitch; it almost seemed like you gave too much away, almost like it was a summary. other than that, i enjoyed the read. lots of stars for this one and good luck with this,
melissa :)
Gut Instincts

I really loved this! I was so disappointed at the end, wish you would upload some more!!! I really want to know what happens next. It was sad about Ben, but this is going to open a whole new world for Eve!!
Please let me know if you put some more chapters up!!
Backed with pleasure!
Alret
xxxx

Okay, I'm here as promised, sorry it took so long.
First things first. You can do better with a cover, I know you can! If some other readers are like me, the cover is what draws me to a book, maybe you should consider changing it.
Title: I really like your title!
Short Pitch: Your short pitch immediately had me interested enough to read the long pitch, and the long pitch did the job in getting me even more interested, this is a good thing!!!
Chapter one:
-"Oh cheers Joe, see you tomorrow." [You need a comma before Joe, always put a comma when addressing someone.]
-"You would think that after two years...." [think you can delete 'that'" and maybe a comma after years, not sure]
-"I turned up the service alley that...[maybe try, I turned up the service alley, which....]
-Remember commas before but.
-"My mind went black as the night surrounding me" [maybe try, my mind went black, like the night surrounding me.] not sure of this one, but it reads awkwardly.
-Now this is where it really gets interesting, when Ben calls her, I must say, I was a bit disappointed that you didn't give more detail of the attack and what happened to her, I'm so curious by now!!
Well, I have to say, I really enjoyed your first chapter! And I am actually looking forward to read the rest!
I'm not a huge vampire fan, but you really have me hooked, enough to want to read on (Very good sign!)
Well done, and good luck with this, I will read and comment on the rest of the chapters as well!
Star rated!!!
Alret
xxxxx

Even though there are many vampire books out there I really loved reading this story. I have a secret love for these types of books and you start off here with a really interesting heroine who has deep feelings that you convey really well and I like your premise and your start - it is different than the other vampire books I have read. It is realistic and I think that your writing is really solid. There were some nitpicky grammatical things I noticed, but not enough to slow down the pace of the writing or to keep me from reading on. I do wish that you described the main character I a bit better and described her apartment a bit more - that's the only thing that I felt was missing a little bit - more description of her and her surroundings. But otherwise this was a really enjoyable read!

Thank you!

- Rena (Bunderful)

Hi,
Came to have a read as you very kindly backed my book.
I read through the first chapter and you certainly have the dynamics for a thrilling story here. Your descriptions are very vivid and as the reader you get a real sense of how confused and lost your MC feels. It would be extremely disconcertint to lose a day or two of your life and have no recollection of anything. Then to find your physical appearance transform and your wounds to heal, even more so...and then to come home to a ransacked apartment. I couldn't imagine a worse start to a day..
I have to agree with some of your other comments, I think the first chapter could be trimmed a bit more to get to the immediacy of the plot, it seems repetitive at times and overly long about her plight and how she felt.
I would also perhaps look at the use of 'I' . Perhaps starting some more sentences in a varied way. I've not written in first person, and I know its one of the harder forms to write in for this reason. But I think if you did vary the sentence beginnings and use alternative, it would make your writing shine even more.
Take my advice with a grain, though, I have no idea what I'm talking about really, only passing on advice I've picked up here and there from others. At the heart of it all if you don't have a good story it doesn't matter how technically great you are. But with yours I think you have the beginnings of a very interesting plot, one well worth pursuing. This genre is so hot right now, I think you could be on a winner here,
Best wishes, I'll watchlist.
Cheers Jacoba

Wow, I feel like asking - did it really happen to you?
Your story is very convincing, due to the fact, I suppose to the passion you have when writing it.
I'm not a great lover of vampires stories or even films - except 'Interview with a vampire'. However I did enjoy your first chapter.
I thought it might have been better if a few unnecessary pieces had been cut out about the description of how she felt. It was all brilliantly described, but its a long chapter covering the same subject.
Overall its a great storyline, beautifully written, and well paced.
I give it 5 stars.
Junetee (Four Corners)

An impressive spin on a wildly popular genre, it has almost become a section of its own.

Read through Ch. 1. I do promise to read more within the next couple of days, but for now I'm exhausted. If your story not held my attention, I wouldn't have made it through the seconds paragraph.

Few things:

“It felt like the vibration of too many hearts beating at the same time”. I really like this line, it sounds almost poetic to me.
“My eyes, they were usually…violet colored with an almost black tinge…” Maybe instead of “almost black” you could write “charcoal”? It’s a dark gray--almost black. I think it would read a little better.
“That was two days ago, Eve,” Ben said quietly. Hmm, I don’t think “quietly” quite packs the impact…what about: “Ben whispered, an air of concerned hesitation apparent in his tone”. And then, “he wouldn’t be able to lie about something like that and he had no reason to.” How about, “it wasn’t in his nature to kid about serious matters”.

Other than that, really interesting story. I look for to reading more.

Rated you highly :)

Hi Amy a BHCG review,

I think you have something really worth working on and polishing here.

Strengths:
The way you describe action is very strong. You have a really good sense of the thoughts accompanying the actions and you insert them without slowing the plot. The sentences have pace and tension. The positive comments from other readers show this. So you have no problem in keeping the plot moving and creating power from movement.

Areas to consider:
I think anyone reading the first chapter would finish it feeling excited and quite thrilled from your plot. And they would probably read on. However, if you asked the reader about the personality of the MC -I wonder how they would answer? The action is great -but I feel that touches of personality inserted in a subtle "show not tell" way could add a new emotion to the reading experience from the first chapter: empathy.
Perhaps you should create a character map of your MC - during the 1st chapter we are introduced to many aspects of her life -her work, her feelings of security and her home. Maybe if you tried throwing your MC into a "Big Brother" type house in your mind -and observed her. She walks. Yes. But how does she walk? Is she athletic? Is she fashionable and therefore wearing high-heeling shoes? Is she conservative or daring -and therefore those shoes might be poker-dotted. In your story she is wearing a coat - but what about that coat - did she just sling on her old coat or did she carefully wrap herself up in fur? These examples might be a bit over the top but I hope that they give you an example of small splashes of personality that you could include to make this impressive chapter even better.

In the last part of the chapter you introduce the italicised inward monologue -I think this could be another tool to introduce more personality into the MC - perhaps if you included a little more earlier in the story. And how you use it could be more powerful eg- "Nothing about this is logical"-you don't need to follow it with "I thought angrily" - leave it spare -it's more powerful. Don't follow it with anything -follow it with action -the dialogue should speak for itself. Perhaps when your MC is leaving the office saying good bye to the boss -you could start this -maybe she secretly likes her boss -your choice!
The best line and EXACTLY what I'm talking about is
"So where the hell did yesterday go?"
I slammed the door on my question and ..... ----B-R-I-L-L-I-A-N-T!!! This shows your talent -it's just adding a bit more flavour, sweating over sentences, actions and descriptions so that they reflect her voice and personality.

I hope this helps -and you'll forgive my previous tardiness
If you tinker with it- I'd be happy to review again.
Highly starred for real potential and quality

Best,
Kaal Kaczmarek
Cousin Felicity and the Eels of Misty Point

After reading chapter one I saw that you were well on your way to being a very good writer with only a few much needed corrections to captivate and engross your reader. I have WL you and hope to be able to upgrade to shelf when you update. Much luck. Denise

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A gripping start. A sympathetic main character. Good world building. Vivid visuals. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) "Hey Eve, you left your lighter," my boss Joe called ... Comma after 'hey.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas. There are more cases where you address someone in dialogue and didn't offset their name or title with commas.
2) 'The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end' is cliche. Consider writing the same reaction, but in a more original way.
3) ' ... I became aware that my back felt sore and stiff ... ' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe her soreness so vividly the reader experiences it along with Eve. When you do this the reader will be drawn deeper into your story. There are many more uses of the word 'felt' in this chapter.
4) I would have liked to have been in Eve's head, seeing her thoughts when she decided not to go to the hospital.
5) "Eve, where the hell have you been?" My fiance Ben shouted ... 'My' should be lowercase.
6) ' ... I apparently hadn't had one in more than 48 hours, ... ' Spell out numbers 1-99.
7) ' ... the smell of blood hit my nose.' When you mention 'smell,' try to immediately characterize it. What does blood smell like? Earthy? Floral? Putrid? Medicinal? When you immediately characterize 'smell' you pull the reader deeper into your story.
8) ' ... since the scent of whoever it was still lingered in the air.' When you mention 'scent' try to characterize it. What 'scent' was Eve picking up on? Spicy? Floral? Sweat? Body odor? When you characterize 'scent' it pulls the reader further into the scene.

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire" and, if it's worthy, keep it in mind when you next reshuffle your bookshelf?

Have a marvelous day.

Al

I really like the style of your book. It's immediately intriguing and mysterious. I'm not usually keen on first-person narratives, but it's so chatty and humorous and you talk about your 'self' so casually that it's got none of the introversion that often puts me off. I think it's great. Is it finished?

Love your work and putting this on my shelf. Hope you have time to check out another paranormal thriller..Dark Side by CC Brown. Good Luck!
Sue50

Fantastic, your voice is strong, you description conjuring an excellent picture. Straight into the story. I like this and hope to read more soom

Craig Phoenix

Hi Sam, You write very well. You have a lovely fluid style and have no trouble constructing either dialogue or narrative. The pace is about right, slightly slowed by what I think are unnecessary details, eg computer chair when chair would do. I try not to use got so I'd prefer 'I lost myself in my insignificant' to ' I got lost in my insignificant'. Minor stuff you might well say. You've crafted it well and I didn't see any nits except 'there was even still skin' even or still? I liked what I read and you've done a good job. I'm surprised you haven't generated more interest with it. Are you punting it about? I'll back your lovelly book as soon as I can, probably later in the week. Good luck with it, Gordon

I love the premise. The opening is exciting and works as a great hook. The plot is established, and there's a clear problem that needs resolved. These things alone set it apart from many novels on authonomy. Good work with that. You certainly have a great story to tell.

One suggestion: I feel like you're holding back. The sentences, descriptions, and overall narrative is safe. There's nothing new or exciting about the writing itself. Don't get me wrong, it's clear you're a good writer, but I feel like you've got so much more in you just dying to break out. You've got the story. Now put yourself into it, be creative, tap into the poetic part of you, and write freely. Have your words set the mood and invite the reader into more than just a good story. I can tell from what is here that you have it in you.

Of course, this is just my opinion. I love this story and want to see it become even better. Best of luck!

Hi Sam,
I have read the first chapter and here are my thoughts. They are as honest, constructive and positive as feedback needs to be.

"The bitter October wind..." I really like the language you've used in this paragraph. It also gives a hinting sense of foreboding about her future as a sun-hating vampire.

Big green skips....hmm, can you find some more exciting adjectives?

Fast and fearful should probably be fast and fearfully, which makes more sense in the sentence (it needs to be an adverb)

Your description of her transformation is very well handled - the reader feels every inch of her agony. You don't just say say 'it hurt', but send the pain through every part of her being - as I can imagine the transformation would do. We don't just get a sense of pain, but also the more important sense of something changing.

Although I like the first chapter for its style and snappy opening, I do feel that it's too long. I would consider making the attack the first chapter - or even turning it into a prologue - so pad it out a little. It does happen very suddenly and even though I like that you jump right into the plot, I do feel that you could say more. Due to this, we get very little sense of Eve's character. For her transformation to succeed in the readers' eyes, we need more of a change. I'm not saying that you need to tell us all the details of her life, but we do need to know more at the beginning. For example, I think you could introduce Ben earlier. When I started reading, I thought Eve was quite young, but at the introduction of a fiancé, my perspective of her changed. Also, you could have more of a dialogue with Eve and her coworkers, so that the reader can see how she interacts with other people. Tie this in earlier and your character has greater depth - it also shows that she has more to lose and we have more sympathy for her during the attack. You talk about all these intriguing changes - perfect sight, hissing at dogs, heightened senses, etc - but we don't know what she was like before.

The attack itself was not overdone, which is good. It is always more realistic when these things happen fast, because it adds to the suddenness and confusion of the situation.

Echoing some of the other comments here, I would certainly say that you need to take us further inside Eve's head. Don't just tell us what she's doing, make us feel it too. If I were in her situation, I would have more questions. A lot of what you've written in the second half of chapter 1 is very much from an observer's perspective. This might work in third person, but you've chosen first person. Getting the balance of thought and action right is hard in first person, but your skill as a writer has more than enough potential to make this work.

You've got some lovely, long sentences with flowing description and detailed embedded clauses, but don't be afraid to experiment with short sentences for impact.

Just out of interest, which age-group are you aiming your writing at? It reads well as Young Adult fiction, although I notice you haven't added YA to your Genres/tags.

There is undeniable tension in your story and you write with great confidence. You certainly have made the vampire story your own - too many sound like Twilight these days - so well done. Your style and content will have no trouble in finding an audience and I think that what it comes down to is a well-executed concept. With a little tweaking, I'm sure that your novel will deservedly find its way to the Editor's Desk.

Rated and backed

Fe
'This Salted Earth'

Hi Sam,

I finally managed to get time to look at your book. Sorry it took a while. :(

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they will just be my thoughts. You can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

(Sorry in advance for any typos, but my keyboard’s a bit knackered:()

Chapter 1: Nice immediate start. You drop us in the middle of your story without any preamble. I like that. :)

I've a tiny suggestion on dialogue, though. I don't think you need beats and speech tags simultaneously. eg in " "Oh cheers, Joe, see you tomorrow," I replied as I took my lighter..." we know who's speaking from the action. I think just " "Oh cheers, Joe, see you tomorrow," I took my lighter..." would work fine and use fewer words. ;)

Reading on... Eve seems a bit wary walking home on her own. No wonder. You do a good job of describing the surroundings in a lonely and ominous way. Uh oh a noise. What or who is there?

I've another little suggestion here. I think, occasionally, your writing could be even more vivid if you wrote in a more direct way. eg "My body froze..." feels a little roundabout+ disconnected. I think something like "I froze..." would be more direct and immediate. :)

Reading on... What on Earth is following her? What are these strange dog-like creatures with red eyes? Scary. Uh oh. Looks like they've got her. And what are they doing? Pouring something down her throat. Are they drugging her?

Then she wakes at home. Weird. Was it all just a bad dream? The memories seem too vivid. Something odd happened to her, I think. And something must have caused the pain she's in. And her face is all cut up. Scary. Oh ... what's happened to her eyes? Why have they changed? We must be in the realm of the supernatural, I think. Then the phone conversation with Ben shows us she's been out of touch for 2 days. This gets odder and odder. Something must have done a v strange thing to her. Good dialogue between her and Ben. It sounds real, and his panic really comes through.

I've a small suggestion, though. I think you don't need to explain your dialogue quote so much. eg in " "You what?" I retorted in as light a manner as I could muster..." I don't think you need any of the explanation as the dialogue does such a good job of letting the reader know what's going on. I think just " "you what?" I said. "I spoke to you..." would read better and faster. Your dialogue's good. Let it shine on its own merits. ;)

Reading on... Hmmm it's suspicious she seems to have healed so fast after the shower. Either she has some sort of power to heal or she really has been gone a long time. Good call on having the mobile out of action, by the way. Those infernal devices can solve far too many problems in fiction :(.

1 tiny suggestion here. I think, occasionally, your writing could be even more involving if you found ways to show more and tell less. eg "I was truly starting to believe that I was losing my marbles." is you telling the reader a fact. It's a bit like lecturing them. If, instead, you wrote something like "Was I losing my marbles?" you'd be showing the reader her thoughts direct. The reader can then really get into her head.

Reading on... Oh what's this pain that sends her to her knees? Another vision. More weird eyes, but different to before. Hmmm and her presence seems to scare the hell out of the dog. Is she becoming some sort of werewolf? That could fit in with the doglike creatures that attacked her + the odd experiences since. Ah her senses seem to have sharpened too. she can see better. She really has changed ... or is still changing.

I've a really small nitpick here. when you say something like "My eyes searched the area..." it sounds like they're disconnected from the body and wandering about on their own ;). I think something like "I searched the area..." would work better, ;)

Reading on... Hmmm looks like she's found the place she was attacked. Footsteps. Who else is there? Ominous that she's so interested inthe smell of her blood. I think the beast in her is sniffing around ;). Dramatic chapter end when she gets home and finds it's been searched. What on Earth is going on here? :)

Oops I just saw how long this comment's getting. I guess I better stop before it grows to a ridiculous size. I'll sum up now, and then shut up. :)

I think you have a great story here, filled with mystery and tension. Your descriptions are well done, and really paint pictures of what's going on. And the dialogue is believable and feels real. I especially like the way you stretch out the tension by releasing information, little be little. At the end of each section, I want to read on and find out what new developments your story has in store. And I really want to see if I'm right in guessing she's becoming a werewolf. ;)

I've rated your book as highly as possible, and hope you get noticed by an agent. I think there's a real audience out there for your work.

Best of luck,

Pete x

Sam

I have read the first chapter of Bleeding Heart - Broken Soul. It needs work, but I'm impressed that you wrote this at 18! I like the idea of a first-person vampire protagonist as a variation on the genre. (See also on this site: Violet Blood). You do a great job of conveying Eve's experience in her "origin story": the inexplicable pain and fire, her enhanced senses, her bewilderment coupled with a desire to get to the bottom of the mystery. She's been traumatized, but she's acting like a detective, gathering evidence from the scene, trying to puzzle things out. She's got an underlying strength and intelligence that lead me to believe that she will go the superhero route rather than the monster route. The atmosphere at the beginning is appropriately dismal and foreboding, and it's a nice touch that she already feels "undetectable" in the darkness.

In revising this, you don't have to change much, but think about tightening. To begin with, the first chapter might make two or even three. There are a few natural breaks that could serve as page-turners into a new chapter. (Full disclosure: most of my chapters are probably too long, too). In a number of places, sentences ramble on. If you have two or three complete thoughts connected by commas, think about letting them stand alone as their own sentences. Consider your adverbs and adjectives; sometimes a stronger noun or verb makes the modifier unnecessary. In a few places, Eve relates a thought in the narrative, then repeats it in her internal monologue. Think about which is strongest and cut the other. When you have the choice of the character thinking about something/explaining something, or doing something, it's usually best to go with doing something. It's the old "show, don't tell" advice. (You did this well where you had Eve remove her glasses to better examine her face. You didn't have to tell us she wore glasses because you showed her taking them off.)

I noted the following specific edits for correction:

It was late and being female made me very aware of how vulnerable I was walking alone at this time of night. This sentence is awkward and not quite right. It isn't "being female" that makes Eve aware of her vulnerability. Try something like: "I felt vulnerable, walking alone this late at night," or "I knew it wasn't safe for a woman to walk alone at this hour, but . . ."

If she feels vulnerable, why does she take a shortcut down a dark alley? That's implausible and feels like a setup. It makes more sense if she doesn't believe she's in any danger -- she does this all the time, she's empowered, a modern woman who doesn't need a man to protect her, etc. Or perhaps she does feel vulnerable but resents the assumption and goes down the alley almost out of spite. (That was me in college; nothing bad ever happened, as I assumed it wouldn't).

It seemed to vaguely resemble . . . This is overly wordy. What's she's trying to say is, "It sounded like a dog panting."

. . . my body crumbled to the floor. You want "crumpled." To me, floor implies an indoor space. In an alley, I'd use ground, pavement, or concrete.

Someone appeared to be sitting on my chest. "Appeared to be" is too fussy and takes us out of the situation. Someone or something was, in fact, sitting on her chest, and she could feel the weight of it. Especially in a first-person narration, you want to take the reader right into the character's experience, the deeper the better.

. . . unlike nothing . . . You want either "unlike anything" or "like nothing"

I had definitely been laying on the floor . . . and I could vividly recall laying . . . You want "lying". "To lie (down)" is a tricky verb that trips up more writers than any other, I think. (I won't dump off the whole grammar lesson unless you ask for it).

How did I end up on the sofa and get home from the alley? I would reverse the order of these because she had to get home before she could be on the sofa. Unless you want to recast it thus: "How did I end up on the sofa? For that matter, how did I get home?"

When Ben calls, she thinks a thing, then says it to herself, then says it to him. I think it would be strongest to go directly to saying it to him. For one thing, this is the first real dialogue of the story, and it comes as something of a relief. Also, speaking to another character is a form of action that explains itself, so you don't need the other explanations.

I felt terribly guilty for not being telling him in truth . . . Delete "being" (You might not even need this.)

. . . call try calling Joe . . . Delete either "call" or "try calling"

The paragraph beginning "As distracted as I was . . ." rambles at too great length just to say she missed her turn and had to backtrack.

. . . the force of the all the little bursts . . . delete the first "the"

. . . now laying on the dirty footpath . . . Yep, you guessed it: lying.

. . . my eyesight . . . was better than it had ever appeared to be. Say it straight: "My eyesight was better than it had ever been." "appeared to be" weakens a strong moment with too many mushy words.

. . . the reason I had brought it . . . I think you meant "bought"

. . . the realisation that I had not had a cigarette all morning occurred. This is a roundabout and passive way of saying, "I realised I hadn't had a cigarette all morning." or "It hit me, I hadn't smoked yet that day."

You're off to a good start here, and I wish you all the best with this project.

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY
TIME SQUARED