Book Jacket

 

rank 1007
word count 18151
date submitted 25.08.2009
date updated 27.02.2012
genres: Fantasy, Children's, Young Adult, C...
classification: universal
incomplete

Pandemonia Chronicles: DAWN

Carey Martell (pen name Jim Freedan)

Possessed by a Demon King who wants to destroy the world, a teenage boy becomes the enemy of a Goddess and her Paladin knights.

 

An encounter with a strange medallion leaves sixteen year old Gestalt possessed by an ancient Demon King, making him a key player in a war between the Demon King and the Goddess of Life. Unfortunately, the Demon King wants to destroy the world and the Goddess wants to enslave everyone in it!

With the aid of a talking teddy bear, a grumpy demon dog and a unicorn princess who wants to marry him, Gestalt embarks on a journey to stop the Goddess’ sinister plot and find a way to get rid of the Demon King—yet, he must rely on the power of the Demon King in order to stand a chance against the minions of the Goddess.

Can Gestalt resist against the corrupting temptations of the Demon King and save the world, rather than destroy it? Is it even possible for a mere human to resist the power of a Demon King?

This novel has a total of 15 Chapters and is complete at 76,127 words.

 
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tags

adventure, battle, battles, bear, dark, demon, demons, dream, dryad, epic, evil, fantasies, fantasy, funny, games, god, goddess, good, hero, kappa, ki...

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144 comments

 

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Karen Eisenbrey wrote 1595 days ago

Jim,
A disclaimer before I comment: I know I am not the target audience for your book. I think I'm the mother of the target audience.

My immediate reaction to the prologue was that it sounded like an epic battle scene out of a Fire Emblem game, right down to the character names. This could be a good thing with your target audience, although some of them might find it unintentionally humorous. However, the writing in the prologue strikes the correct grim tone and ends with a compelling mystery.

I was startled and pleasantly surprised to find chapter 1 was completely different, as appropriate to an entirely different world. The tone is snarky and funny, just right for a surly teen being forced to do something he doesn't want to do. I could almost believe that the prologue was something in a game Gestalt was playing. Although I have to wonder -- what kind of mom names her kid "Gestalt"? And does that enter into the story at all? A young enough reader might not know what gestalt means and so wouldn't have an issue with the name; older readers might -- or they might love it, who knows? It kind of bugged me as being too "showy", but then again, I know how it is with character names -- if a good one comes to you, don't question it too much.

Another game reference: Gestalt sees what he takes to be a knight riding an ostrich. This immediately brought to mind Joust, one of the funniest arcade games ever. Intentional? Might Gestalt have the same thought I did?

The book is not available for further reading this morning, so I will end my comment there. It's not "my thing" but it looks like a good fit for the target age group. Keep at it, and good luck!

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY

gillyflower wrote 1606 days ago

A story full of imagination. I don't have any problems with the prologue, maybe you've already updated it? It worked well for me, producing just the right amount of mystery and excitement, with interesting characters who are easy to relate to, and a strange situation which begs to be explained, making me eager to read on. In the book proper, I immediately liked Gestalt, games addict and normal teenage boy with an attitude. The business of him trailing, alive with embarrassment, round the fair, which not many years ago he enjoyed, was so true to life. The buying of the medallion, mentioned in the pitch, clearly transports him into either the past or another world, although it takes him some time to realise this himself: a very realistic reaction. I love the talking teddy bear and the unicorn, Zaria. The pitch promises us considerable moral depth as the story develops. Morality combined with humour is a definite winner for me. In addition, I enjoyed your relaxed, amusing writing style, which flows along very smoothly. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Jared wrote 1612 days ago

This works so well for the YA market. Your pitches are excellent and the book careers along, driven by your remarkable imagination. I loved the names you dream up for your characters and the use of humour, often of a surreal nature, adds so much to the story.
I looked at the prologue, at your request, only to see that John Booth had added his advice while I had been reading your book. John is a richly talented writer and understands the genre far better than I do. I agree with his conclusions, but I'd also add that the prologue worked well for me as it stands. Like many books here, mine included, this is a work in progress and you're right to try and improve it where possible, but be assured that I found it a delight and couldn't pick out any areas that demand major attention.

"Too much Austin Powers, not enough Dracula," is a wonderful line and I snorted with laughter in chapter 4 at this passage, "While exploring the airship, Gestalt was surprised to discover all of the sailors manning it were penguins." There's a lengthy, and rather wonderful, description of the penguin's apparel, including the eminently sensible statement that, "Many of them wore red woolen mittens to help give them a better grip." Hilarious. A typo on "woolen" btw, should be "woollen."

Great imagination, humour and enjoyment on every page. Even the length, just over 76,000 words, is perfect.
Shelved.
Jared.

Squirrely wrote 100 days ago

This is funny and cute! I especially like the teddy bear. However I think the main character could be even more snarky as he goes around the fair grounds, I found him to be very sullen instead which is slightly different. Although it is accurate in either case. Well it is easy to read which is good for the target audience. Other than that I don't have any suggestions.


Michael Rains
"Wendell and the Dragon's Heart"

A G Chaudhuri wrote 847 days ago

Dear Jim,

Gestalt is a great name. I was always fascinated by the concept of Gestalt consciousness, but never imagined it as a name. I have a feeling that the name will have a lot of significance as the story unfolds.

Twilight Chronicles: Dawn is a professionally written piece and extremely well edited as well. I’m surprised why more of your target readers have not noticed it yet.
The only change that I’d suggest is in the cover. Its too nursery rhymes and does little justice to the story. You need a darker and more hard-hitting cover art.

Children will love your story, but as a comic book or graphic novel or even better, an animation film. I’m afraid that the novelised form will not appeal to them. But, teenagers and young adults will certainly enjoy this. And even a few adults. So, if I were you I would change the descriptors accordingly.

Twilight Chronicles and Dawn may bring to mind thoughts of an anaemic vampire, a protective werewolf and a lovesick teenage girl, but that’s pure coincidence and the similarities end with the name.
This one here is a completely original story (having nothing to do with blood-sucking vampires) with lots of thrill, compelling mystery, fantastic action and a whole new mythology of its own. Well done, my friend.

My rating: 6 stars (with pleasure!)

Best regards,
AGC


Ivan Amberlake wrote 966 days ago

Jim, after reading the pitches to Twilight Chronicles: DAWN I seem to realize this book is definitely my cup of tea, so I get down to reading the Prologue and Chapter 1 at once.
Prologue
Oh, I love the way your first sentence immerses me right into the story - General of the Empire, the battlefield, zombie soldiers – really nice! This is very atmospheric, and I love the images that I have in my mind’s eye while reading your book.
I’m also fascinated by how clean your manuscript is – it is clear you know how to write!
Gestalt Chernobog – you blend German and Russian – and I find it really interesting. How did you come up with ‘Chernobog’?
You have a vivid character in Gestalt—an unusual and memorable name, disobedience, his relations with mother.
A typo: Before he knew it, a sharp pain struck the back of his head and he turned around to find childen pelting [children].
I love Chapter 1, very well written, your portrayal of Gestalt is awesome. It’s clear you thought each detail through.

I’m reading Chapter 2 at the moment and if I have any suggestions for you, I’ll let you know. This is a 6-star-rate book, no doubt!
Kindest regards,
Ivan

Su Dan wrote 1052 days ago

great start; you go straight in there;- a legion of zombie soldiers! you writewith perfect pace and excellent story telling...l shall put this on my watchlist with 6 stars******
read SEASONS...

Stephanie L. Prater wrote 1071 days ago

Without a doubt you have a fantastic imagination and great details to make your characters interesting and original to me. I personally have never heard of anything like this. I thought the prologue really worked with lots of exciting action and amusing dialogue exchanges. It set the pace for the rest of this wild adventure. Backed.

nsllee wrote 1330 days ago

Hi Jim

Interesting pitch. Not sure about the name "Gestalt" - it seems a bit too laden with symbolism for the story. Also not sure why the "Goddess of Life" is a baddy, when her title is normally one that you would associate with goodness, beneficence, abundance, life, in short?

Having said that, I really enjoyed the opening, from the first para. Funny, snappy, great natural dialogue and characters. I love the parallel between his game-playing and the mediaeval re-enactors and the very realistic teenage conflict with his mother. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

Andrew Burans wrote 1361 days ago

I love your MC's name - Gestalt. As soon as I read that I smiled and thought about the theory. Well done. Playing video games at the start of your novel will greatly help your audience relate to your MC quickly. I also like your use of the first person narrative voice. This allows you to convey, and you do it well, Gestalt's feelings, thoughts, observations and emmotions. Your use of short paragraphs keeps trhe pace of your story flowing nicely and all of this coupled with your imaginative writing ensures that your adventure fantasy will appeal to your intended audiences. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Burgio wrote 1363 days ago

TWILIGHT CHRONICLES
This is an interesting fantasy story. You have a good character in Gestault. He’s likable and certainly sympathetic as he becomes so overwhelmed by having to fight both a demon and a Goddess. You’ve created an imaginative world for him to live in. Makes this a good read. A small thing: You might want to think of a new title so your book isn’t confused and gets lost in the shuffle with the current Twilight series which is so popular. I’m adding it to my shelf. If you have a moment, would you look at mine (Grain of Salt)? I’m in 8th place but only holding on by my teeth. Burgio

name falied moderation wrote 1363 days ago

Dear Jim
Again I get to look at this really good book cover congrats on that...What a good book. I started reading this some time ago and just wanted to let you know, now finished. I have already commented and backed your book a while ago, but cannot see the backing anywhere. So i am taking the time to back it again because I believe your book is WORTH IT

BEST OF LUCK
Denise

Mr. Nom de Plume wrote 1363 days ago

The early-on mention of Austin Powers set the tone for me. I didnt read far because of the late hour here and my tired eyes from update work of my own. The work has a very professional ring to it. Good luck. Backed. Chuck

thebobster wrote 1378 days ago

This seems almost like a parable - I like it. I just think you need to find some element to make it stand out a little more, something to distinguish it from other books with a similar, fantasy weave to them.

Best of luck,
The Bobster

SusieGulick wrote 1396 days ago

Dear Jim, I love that your young hero has a talking teddy bear - that's unique. :) What a quest he's on! :) Your pitch is excellent, so set the hook for me to read your book. :) When you use short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, it makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing your book. :)
Could you please take a moment to back my TWO memoir books? Thanks, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"...authonomy quote.
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs.

Word_Hurler wrote 1451 days ago

This is a fantastic tale that spans several age gaps...showed it to my eleven year old, she loved it...showed it to my sixteen year old, she loved it...and Me...you guessed it, LOVED it. Great Job!

Case (Revelation)

lionel25 wrote 1504 days ago

Jim, I enjoyed your humorous first chapter. Good dialogue also.

Happy to back this.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Esrevinu wrote 1537 days ago

You tell a compelling story
The writing is clean and flows well throughout the book

I thing you made some great choices with the characters and dialogue

You will be in the top five in no time

Best wishes

Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

Bob Steele wrote 1564 days ago

The pitch for Twilight Chronicles sets out a classic fantasy storyline with our hero, Gestalt, embarking on a coming-of-age journey to find magical powers and save the world, pitted against a good looking selection of sinister foes intent on the opposite. This creates ample room for adventure, which you exploit with skill, tongue firmly in cheek, in an easy to read and fast moving story laced with humour. You write in a style and idiom that hits the target YA/ children audience dead centre, and this IMHO will do very well. Backed with no nitpicks.

Tifa wrote 1568 days ago

I feel your pain about the title issue. If its any consolation, I've NEVER read the twilight series, nor do I intend to. Your twilight series however is most imaginable. I love the traditional fantasy elements and your book cover is beautiful! Whilst I'm not a great editing commentator, I can offer compliments "to the chef" as it were. My only concern is the dialogue when there are long periods without alerting the reader as to who is speaking. Whilst I can keep up, it might be an issue to bear in mind? I am jealous you have your story set out across other books, but also curious as to how the story will pan out. An intriguing, inventive read and I wish you all the best. Backed.

Tifa
[Eliphe Tiny-Wen]

SiCorbz wrote 1568 days ago

Hi Jim. Twilight Chronicles: DAWN. (I am commenting having read 2 ex 9 chapters...although I clearly got here too late to read the Prologue!) This is not my genre and I am not your target audience...but you kindly commented on my own Little Bastard...so I figured I'd take a look...and I'm glad I did. This is witty and well crafted YA Fantasy with a strong narrative voice. If I was a teenager again, I would absolutely be fully into this. Shelved from both nostalgia and in recognition of your mastery of the genre. Cheers Simon (Little Bastard / Love Gudrun Ensslin)

Ginger wrote 1570 days ago

Great story for young teens, also very cinematic. Love the humour, and the hook at the ends draws me on. I've popped this on the shelf for a spin.
Lisa

dinnertime wrote 1572 days ago

Picked on inkpop.com and I'm putting you on my shelf here.
This is a very well-written fantasy adventure with great characters. I haven't seen the prologue as it wasn't there when I read, but I loved it from Ch. 1 onwards.

RSA wrote 1575 days ago

I read this on inkpop, so I'm backing it here as well.

Rachael

C W Bigelow wrote 1579 days ago

Jim, great for your target audience Shelved. CW (To Save the Sun)

Jason Rice wrote 1583 days ago

I'm just starting this, good stuff, backed.

Debbie wrote 1584 days ago

Ok-ay. Since you’re asking about the prologue specifically, then I really don’t think it does you any favours at all. The characters are in the middle of a battlefield and are chatting like they are queuing in Tescos. I didn’t think the characterisation was particularly strong and your whole “voice” here is very different from further on in.

Into chapter 1 and the style is different – much fresher and more immediate, less clichéd than the prologue. If this was the opening chapter, I would read on in a bookshop, whereas I wouldn’t with the prologue.

Gestalt – odd name for a character with its psychology connotations. And I think if you’re going to quote from Labyrinth, you ought to at least acknowledge the film!

But great start otherwise. Enjoyed reading this.

maracalone1 wrote 1584 days ago

I think your descriptions of your characters are excellent! I am finding inspiration from this as I am sorely lacking in character development. Good job!

Harclubs wrote 1586 days ago

This has been on my shelf for a long time for a reason. I love it. What a wonderful collection of characters you've created. Enough comments, back to reading. Very entertaining stuff.

Sandy Grubb wrote 1586 days ago

You've done a great job creating Gestalt's world, attitudes, and new challenges. Dialogue is spot on. Great work. I'm glad to back this.
Sandy
Orphan and a Half

johnjoch wrote 1589 days ago

Sorry, got mixed up. I have backed your story but didn't save my comments. All I said was that I thought that the story was very good but a bit ahead of me at 80. Perhaps you would like to take a look at mine, Three Stayed Home and see what you think. It is totally different to yours but I hope you will like it . John

Sheila Belshaw wrote 1589 days ago

Twilight Chronicles - Dawn.

Jim,

Although I'm not qualified to comment on this genre, I was immediately struck by the way you introduced the characters and put the reader in the picture right from the beginning. And it's not only kids who like to get into a story quickly, we all do. You have an amazing imagination and there's more than enough intrigue, fun and adventure in this novel to keep the teens turning the pages.

Backed with pleasure,

Sheila (Pinpoint)

Janine Crowley Haynes wrote 1590 days ago

Hi Jim,

I must admit, I don't know much about this genre, except my son enjoyed books like this when he was younger. I could see him enjoying your book. As for me, I felt the prologue and first chapter flowed, were easy to read and dived right into an action/war scene--a perfect snare to capture your target audience. Your description is vivid and I found I was able to conjure up an image of this world.

My only suggestion to you would be to not make too many references to other works--unless, of course, that is what you're going for. For example, your title, Twilight Chronicles: Dawn is too close to the book/movie Twilight: New Moon. Another, is your character Beowulf. If this is done intentionally to make reference and mock these other works that's one thing, but it may come off a bit unoriginal. Again, I could be missing the point all together since I'm 45-years old, lacking knowledge in this genre.

I'm backing this piece for its flow and ease of reading that targets the YA audience.
Janine
MY KIND OF CRAZY

Louise Galvin wrote 1590 days ago

I should preface this by saying that I am firmly out of my comfort and confidence zone in YA/Fantasy. Your candy-coloured cover made me expect something for wee ones (I’m not good with children’s ages), but this is actually rather more grown-up and worldly. There’s a nice self-depreciation with that opening chapter that shifts back from the high-blown sentiments of the battlefield to Austin Powers and bondage pants. That made me smile. I like you for throwing the words gargoyle, futile and androgynous at the kiddiewinks. Good work.

Jupiter Echoes wrote 1592 days ago

I love children's fantasy when it is well written - it keeps the buggers quiet.

And yours surely does that. Strong characterisation, fast action, nice prose and a description that lends itself to reader immersion in the book. REally, this book is high fantasy, and matches closely imature worlds created for Dungeons and Dragons. Clearly defined baddies, and goodies, and maybe, any double crosses will become evident soon.

The descriptions are not gratuitous, but playful. If i said cinematic i would be wrong, rather comicematic.



Nice work

BACKED

cara_ruegg wrote 1593 days ago

sorry it took forever for me to great back to you on this with my comments. it wasn't so much my taste and was somewhat bizzare but i did enjoy it and i think it will do well for its targeted audience.
-Cara

Karen Eisenbrey wrote 1595 days ago

Jim,
A disclaimer before I comment: I know I am not the target audience for your book. I think I'm the mother of the target audience.

My immediate reaction to the prologue was that it sounded like an epic battle scene out of a Fire Emblem game, right down to the character names. This could be a good thing with your target audience, although some of them might find it unintentionally humorous. However, the writing in the prologue strikes the correct grim tone and ends with a compelling mystery.

I was startled and pleasantly surprised to find chapter 1 was completely different, as appropriate to an entirely different world. The tone is snarky and funny, just right for a surly teen being forced to do something he doesn't want to do. I could almost believe that the prologue was something in a game Gestalt was playing. Although I have to wonder -- what kind of mom names her kid "Gestalt"? And does that enter into the story at all? A young enough reader might not know what gestalt means and so wouldn't have an issue with the name; older readers might -- or they might love it, who knows? It kind of bugged me as being too "showy", but then again, I know how it is with character names -- if a good one comes to you, don't question it too much.

Another game reference: Gestalt sees what he takes to be a knight riding an ostrich. This immediately brought to mind Joust, one of the funniest arcade games ever. Intentional? Might Gestalt have the same thought I did?

The book is not available for further reading this morning, so I will end my comment there. It's not "my thing" but it looks like a good fit for the target age group. Keep at it, and good luck!

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY

nillan wrote 1595 days ago

Jim,
This is not my genre so I can't comment it much. I have been looking at some different chapters, reading a little here and there, and I believe that children would like it. You write well and have a lot of fantasy so I am putting your book on my shelf.
Nillan
Blue-eyed in Luhya-land

Ruth Francisco wrote 1595 days ago

I think this is great fun, although the prologue didn't quite work for me. I, too, loved those impossibly lame Renaissance fairs as a kid. I wish you all the best.
Ruth
Amsterdam 2012

KW wrote 1596 days ago

Talk about Surreal. Just the names alone are a hoot: Gestalt, Beowulf, and Metatron. "Hey, knight guy . . ." Simply, shelved. Good luck with this. I guess its YA, but it's a lot closer to Monty Python or Firesign Theater.

Clare Hill wrote 1596 days ago

I think Gestalt lives in my house. I hear an XBox, I see evidence of foraging in the kitchen and I know I have a teenaged boy around him somewhere. It's much like having really stroppy mice - you see the crumbs and crap left behind, but it's rare to catch sight of them in the day time.
I liked Gestalt, didn't like the prologue, but then I'm not a fantasy fan anyway so I wouldn't be your target market. Writing flowed well and some amusing touches, like the shirt. Backed.

LoonyMoonyy wrote 1597 days ago

I like how Gestalt found the necklace in a Ren Fest thats very awesome as i love Ren Fests but i'm a bit confused when he was possesed is he still in our world/time or in another?

scottishrose45 wrote 1597 days ago

Just my kind of story, this. Loved it.

Cheers!
Jaime

Carole Somerville wrote 1597 days ago

What an imagination! This is a great tale, well written with good characterisation.
Shelved
Carole

Tarja wrote 1598 days ago

wow.....like amazing
i really enjoyed this =D can't wait 2 read more

Awash wrote 1598 days ago

This fun YA story is a pleasure to read. It has enough adventure and creativity to interest my boys, so it's definitely worth a backing. Good luck!

Amanda

MickR wrote 1599 days ago

Not my type of book but it seems well written to me.
An imaginative tale. My only problem is the chapters may be a bit long for the YA audience.
Otherwise good kuck, shelved,
MickR - The Nightcrawler

Rosali Webb wrote 1600 days ago

Jim
There is an awful lot here to ensure the younger reader keeps turning those pages. After chapter 2, I read chapter 8, when Gestalt and Zaria followed Sir Metatron to the Drunken Goblin, in a town called Insula, destroyed by the Twilight King centuries ago. And we leave it where Gestalt has been darted by armed-to-their-eyeballs humanoid hampsters! All good stuff. Backed
Rosali
Fieldtrip to Mars

Charley Warady wrote 1600 days ago

YA is definitely not my genre. However, I do know imagination when I see it and this story has plenty of that. It's portrayed in a very detailed way without getting bogged down in description. If I'm supposed to use my imagination, then let me use my imagination. You do, and it's much appreciated. I can see how a book like this could be very successful.

Shelved.

Charley
"5ive Speed"

Jacqui320 wrote 1601 days ago

I enjoyed reading this, the context was excellent, and was very imaginative. I was a little unsure before he was "transported" as to where he was supposed to be based, was it the US or the UK as there were a number of Americanisms which were fine, although the period to which you were referring the fair to be about could only be British, which I found a little strange, but it worked well and was an enjoyable read. Good luck, Jacqui (Life on the Estate)

annie c. wrote 1601 days ago

This looks to be a wonderfully fun, imaginative children/YA book. I like the way you go from the mystical world in the prologue to the present day in chapter one. You asked for feedback on the prologue & chapter 1. Re the prologue, I'd flesh it out a lot more, especially more description of surroundings and characters. You describe the two men as red-haired and brown-haired - and then the woman as white-robed. Was wondering where the white-robed woman and the wild-looking man and the short-haired huntress came from (they're just suddenly there) and their names? Did they know each other? You probably wanted to leave some mystery in the prologue, but still would like to have a better feel for the characters and surroundings (even if you don't want to tell their names!).

But then chapter one has great descriptions, and you bring the Ren Fair to life, as well as his disgruntlement with the whole thing. Enjoyed the whole concept of chapter one - how he begins his quest. Tension and humor combined. Good job.

Minor question re chapter three - do children's books mention women's "large, round breasts nearly visible through her white silk robes" ? (maybe you wrote this for the adult readers? =) )

Shelved!

cat5149 wrote 1602 days ago

Hi Jim,

Gestalt is a very interesting character and this is an imaginative story that I think will do well with the YA audience. I wish you the best of luck with it. Backed, with pleasure.

Carol

Batwidow wrote 1602 days ago

Hi Jim, Backing this because I think it has entertainment value and can imagine children enjoying it. Nothing to add to the helpful comments you already have. In general, I'm with Maryinflorida. I was very thrown by the sudden introduction of the name Walsh - I know I'm tired but it really took me a while to figure out who it was and that I hadn't missed something! Good luck. AnneX

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