The Fourth World

BACKED

I get very little from comments about my own book, nowadays. Some people like it, some don't. Some people are too frightened to leave genuine feedback, while others seek to enforce their own style upon me. I want to get to the Ed's Desk to get professional comment. I would rather spend 30 quid than do all this reading and backing. I have got everything I want out of Authonomy community already. So I am backing your book so that you can reach the Ed's desk and get professional feedback, instead of the platitudes and devious backings that account for 80% of backing you receive. Only 20% of comments are genuine, and will add value to your work.

Now, who am I not to back you? I am not godlike. Your work might be flatly written, unoriginal or even down right bad. It could be wonderful. But in my experience, only you can be honest with yourself about your writing... and that is what matters.

So, I am backing you so you can reach the Ed's desk.


There you are.

BACKED
Hope you reciprocate.

BACKED

I get very little from comments about my own book, nowadays. Some people like it, some don't. Some people are too frightened to leave genuine feedback, while others seek to enforce their own style upon me. I want to get to the Ed's Desk to get professional comment. I would rather spend 30 quid than do all this reading and backing. I have got everything I want out of Authonomy community already. So I am backing your book so that you can reach the Ed's desk and get professional feedback, instead of the platitudes and devious backings that account for 80% of backing you receive. Only 20% of comments are genuine, and will add value to your work.

Now, who am I not to back you? I am not godlike. Your work might be flatly written, unoriginal or even down right bad. It could be wonderful. But in my experience, only you can be honest with yourself about your writing... and that is what matters.

So, I am backing you so you can reach the Ed's desk.


There you are.

BACKED
Hope you reciprocate.

I think this is a brilliant concept , and you create lots of believable characters with whom your young readership will closely associate. Despite being ultra-bright and having an alien headteacher, all their daily joys and troubles are very typically human teen. You write with confidence, and your descriptions and dialogue are well done. Backed with enthusiasm. Best wishes, Tony.

Laurence
I attended a speech at a Writers Conference given by a literary agent...The subject was 'How Not to Present a Manuscript.....' The biggest 'dont-do' is to open with dialogue.... It's like sitting in the theatre, the play begins, but the curtain does not rise.....the only person in the audience who can visualise the opening scene is the writer.....
eg.
Brian Delaney, the school bully, marched purposefully toward Fintan, wearing his customary menacing grin....bla bla bla.......Fintan tried to jack-knife quickly through the main entrance........

I am but the messenger .....(I paid £130 to hear that, I changed mine, I wanted to get my money's worth).....Let me know what you think.

I dont think AM is in caps,,, ie 10am, 7am,......I flicked through a couple of books on the shelf at home, I didn't find any with the time detailed in caps....?????

Fabulous story..Shelved

I've read the first five chapters, which is a good sign because I planned on reading only three. But you drew me into the story well. You do a great job with Fintan's character and making the reader care about him immediately. The story moves fairly quickly. I like the pace.

The premise reminds me a little of Ender's Game. You should pitch this as sci fi for the young adult market.

Great premise, well written fun read. I like the interaction between the unseen speakers at the opening to each chapter, it works very well, giving a frisson of menace as they're being watched but also provides information and furtherance of the story in a very concise way. Shelved! Carolyn.

I particularly relished the character so patently modelled on the irrepressible Sheena. Backed.

I think this is well written and kids will really get into it. Backing!

Camille
The Hobble Knobble Gobble Tree
Curse of the Golden Fly

Laurence,

Your title is fitting, your pitch is concise, and your concept is original.

In your first chapter, you not only capture the typical bullying that goes on between boys, but you do it in a way that describes Fintan and his predicament in life.

I like the italicized foreshadow/quotes in the beginning of each chapter. I'm sure this will please the young adult reader.

Backed,
Janine
MY KIND OF CRAZY

@3DNZ -- There are actually 2 little homages to NGE in there. Which one did you spot? :)

Did anyone else get the reference to Neon Genesis? Actually, the premise you've got there is a good one and has echoes of that great and well respected anime. At least in the respect of kids being introduced to high-tech marvels. Some folks have already made a comparison to harry potter, but what you've got here is much fresher and more engaging.

Alter Inferno - Doom! Destruction! And a ham sandwich!

Hi Laurence, loved the first chapter, an introduction to Fintan's world. How badly I wanted that bully to get his come-uppance! It's a snapshot of how miserable some children's lives can be, and they just get through it, drifting along in life, with the adults unaware of the hurt and misery. Great stuff

P

Laurence
Just your short pitch makes me want to read this!
And you certainly don’t disappoint. I think it is a great move to employ the Harry Potter formula with the characters, but telling a story in a very different genre. Very nicely done! This is easy to read, full of energy and I can see this being lapped up by kids and YA alike…not to mention many of us adults too.
Shelved with pleasure
David
Green Ore

This is a book kids would definently read, it's very neatly written and the story comes through really nicely. It's such a creative idea, to have a school based in Area 51. The book cover is amazing, and I loved how you added in mystery, sci-fi and action into a childrens/ young adults book! I'm extremely excited to see where you are going to go with this. Good luck!

Hello Laurence,

Compelling start with the bully on Fintan and how he took it all. Then it emerges that he is a gifted child and is being solicited for special studies. You descriptions are vivid, you did a good job expressing Fintan's inner thoughts . It is a story that will strike a chord with children and even young adults with its setting, suspenseful plot, smooth flowing prose and the subject matter. With a little polish, e.g:
........I am pleased to inform you that (you) have......

this story will live up to its full potential and climb further up and faster. Rightly shelved.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Absolutely rad! This was more than I anticipated from a quick looks good read, I happened to find.. Much potential in this story for YA. Familiar theme done in a totally fresh voice. I have to say Kudos!

I make comments as I read, but I quickly got swept up in the story and decided I just wanted to read. Forget the nick picks. Here is what I found:

typo... best not (to) fight back.

Who was he who (roughly stood) and what is roughly stood up?

You are almost third person told from the character, but you slip into narrator which was why I was not sure about the above sentence. If it's Fintin's perspective, you won't need to say his name. He is always he until you go to another character's perspective (in a new chapter or section) everyone else is named.

In chapter 2 you go back to full narrator voice:(

All writers seem to struggle with unnecessary dreaded words. "That" is one of them. You don't need it take it out wherever possible. "and told them (that) they would." says the same as "and told him they would"

Okay, enough I want to enjoy this story because I'm hooked.

At first I didn't get the alien speak at the beginning of each chapter. I almost disregarded it as poetry or a quote which I usually skip. Maybe put it as a quotation. But I liked! It added a special feel.

Fantastic tests! Very nice, realistic. I could picture.

Great, meeting of the minds. A threesome. This is Potteresque, but without Harry. I'm glad. He sucked in my eyes. I'm not so fanish of long Quidish games, but this space academy rocks. Much better premise!

If Zack is gonna mention, area 51, he would also mention Hanger 18, and the Roswell incident. lol... I remember the deadly force signs and they did follow and watch us, but we didn't cross the line.

I love this school! I wanna drop under area 51 too. But thanks for the really cool image. I loved that, Jones grabs the room, "No running"

DNA samples ... falking brilliant. and you know your Dine too:)

Ack, bullies even underground, but good lesson walk away.

LMFAO... "I was helping you escape"

Hum starball... my eyes are glazing over. I guess kids like this but.... class, pig eyes? ...but every time star ball is mentioned.. I glaze over and lose interest. Sorry, it's just me I'm sure.

Otherwise, you have a fantastic story here. I'm not saying there is not any fine tuning to be done as far as POV and minor stuff, but I really, really enjoyed this. And like others I've enjoyed I will recommend in the forums, but I will give your a couple days to make any changes before I do.

As far as your pitch, I'd say leave us curious first paragraph of the long pitch is more than enough to pique my interest.

I will certainly back this for a round.

Sangay Glass
Kate, Blue Jeans, and a Single Shot (romantic thriller)
Genni's Box (future fiction, sci-fi /comedy)

Oh, I LOVE the premise!

A comment on the pitch, first:
You don't need to mention the secret past between Benally and Fintan. There's already enough intrigue in the pitch, and it would be so much more fun to come across this little detail while reading the actual book.

The book:
Take out anything that doesn't move the story along. The tidbit about shopping on Sundays isn't needed, unless something happens this Sunday while they're shopping. The part where he's looking at the stars also isn't necessary, and you could interject the thoughts in that section throughout other parts of the chapter. And talking about how Fintan doesn't believe his family loves him isn't necessary. You've already shown what his family is like through the incident with the package.

Overall, you've got a book here that could go big. The story is excellent, the idea hasn't been used a thousand times already, and the flow of your writing, the characters, the narration, and the dialog will appeal to many audiences. I really, really like this.

Backed, with pleasure.
Andrea
The Key of Kilenya

Dear Laurence, firstly I chose your book because I really like your style of writing. It has poetic flow and you have great thought and imagery. I have read chapter one bearing in mind all the constructive criticism I have had on my own work in the last couple of weeks.

I like the structure of the first chapter very much. Your 'alien watching' intro. raises intrigue and I want to read on and find out what is causing the side effects and who 'they' are.

The ongoing conflict with the Delaney the bully works perfectly - Fintan deals with it and I get the feeling for his character through the great dialogue you have written. Your dialogue is catchy.

I like the feel of the journey the boy takes to the fields and the way you show us how Fintan feels he belongs elsewhere. I did wonder whether the next scene 'On Sundays . . .' should start with the appearance of the package. The beautiful language you have about his Sunday routine and the walk to the cliffs follows the journey to the fields quite quickly. Maybe some of the information about Fintan's father is learned through the man's behaviour not long after? Just a thought.

One thing I try to do to tighten my work is to cut out 'that' wherever possible. In this chapter it appears around 3 or 4 times, for example, 'they said he should always report . . they said he would be protected '. You could probably cut out the word 'Finally' a little later and start 'When all was quiet . . .'

'September 19 was tomorrow. To get there . . . ' You give me Fintan's worry perfectly here and I don't think you really need the final questions. If you cut these then I am left thinking these things myself - a good page turner?

Laurence - this is what I would do BUT I am not you and have not taken the time to create this great story. I have really enjoyed reading (will come back and read more too) and I hope you do very well.

Very best wishes, Catherine, Whirl of the Wheel.

Hi Laurence, have been reading on. Love the Hiroshima bit. It's very powerful. Sheena

I'm glad you did! I was wondering how it would go down -- part of what I'm trying to do with the book is bring real geography / history / science into the story, so that it can become a 'learning' experience as well as an entertaining one. Hopefully this is a good hook to help its marketability.

It's fun reading some of the chapters in front of Bing Maps, so you can see the locations / aerial photos etc. of what I'm talking about -- they're all real (other than the underground city of course, which is just a 'maybe') :)

Hi Laurence, have been reading on. Love the Hiroshima bit. It's very powerful. Sheena

I'm glad you did! I was wondering how it would go down -- part of what I'm trying to do with the book is bring real geography / history / science into the story, so that it can become a 'learning' experience as well as an entertaining one. Hopefully this is a good hook to help its marketability.

It's fun reading some of the chapters in front of Bing Maps, so you can see the locations / aerial photos etc. of what I'm talking about -- they're all real (other than the underground city of course, which is just a 'maybe') :)

Fourth World—
Laurence,

Hi there. Thanks for reading Riley’s Gift – the support is much appreciated.
I’m here returning the read, I take notes as I read, and these are my comments.
Take what you like and leave the rest.

“Fintan picked himself up and dusted himself off.” I would X one of the ‘himself’

Fintan hadn’t noticed his friend approaching. (we know this- don’t think you need it)

“…Do you think that if [you] the school suspended you for a couple of days….” Delete extra ‘you’

“On a Sunday…” I don’t think you need the ‘a’.

“He always liked to come and sit and think here.” – seems awkward to me. How about--- “He liked to sit here and think.” Flows a little better.

“Sorry, we thought it was for your father,” she lied, “so we opened it. --- I would remove “she lied” this is her pov… you could put his thoughts in italics on the line below – saying “I know shes lying.” Or delete completely – we the reader can gather what’s happening.

Very cute story and one that I think your target audience will enjoy. I like the voice of the narrative. I think you could cut out some extra words here and there. Reading aloud helps me to find these areas. I wish you great luck.
On my shelf.
~Krista
--Riley’s Gift

Awesome feedback -- thanks -- I've done some updates incorporating your fb. Thanks again!!! :)

Laurence

I just had to take a look at the book that was sitting on top of mine in the weekly list for children's. I'm glad I did. You have yourself a great tale on your hands. You left me wanting to read on and on after the first chapter. Why is he so gifted? Why, why?

I have no nit picks at all. You handled the letter beautifully, although the font may be a bit big. Oops, sorry that was a nit pick. All in all a great read.

Best of luck climbing up the charts.

M A Koning
Tale of the Seven Stones

The Fourth World

Hi Laurence,

Well done, this is a great adventure book for kids, redolent of so many classic adventures but fresh and inventive enough for the audience. You have captured the important themes so quickly, you have an engaging MC, there is immediately a mystery and intrigue and our MC is whimisical, philosophical, has dreams. An adventure novel, helped by pacy writing. My only criticism would be around the dialogue between Fintan and his best mate at school, it seemed a little stilted, with info-dumping for the reader about Fintan being an A star student, if they were best mates the banter would be much more tangential, sparky, taking the mickey. And working in a school day in, day out bullying is dealt with very differently to when you and I were at school, kids are encouraged to come forward in confidence and report incidents and they generally do because they know they won't be linked to the action to follow. But that of course depends on when your book is set, but both of these are minor quibbles, a great idea, well executed, wishing you the best of luck with it.

Would love your opinion on my effort if you have the time

Best wishes

Andrew W.
(Sanctuary's Loss)

Hi Laurence,

This is good stuff. A unique storyline and it unfolds smoothly with intrigue. I'm on ch8 and are hooked to know where it goes. No surprise, sci fi is my favourite genre and this holds it's own with what I've read. I won't comment on technique, I'm not good enough. Good luck with it.

Regards, Mike.

Hi Laurence,

This is good stuff. A unique storyline and it unfolds smoothly with intrigue. I'm on ch8 and are hooked to know where it goes. No surprise, sci fi is my favourite genre and this rates with the best I've read. I won't comment on technique, I'm not good enough. Good luck with it.

Regards, Mike.

Great idea, definitely got legs.

Loved the hints in italics at the start of the chapters.

Led me on, and on, further into the book. Zippy, short, interesting, exciting chapters…always moving.

OK, I read to the end of chapter four, and I’m sorry to say I’m leaving it there, but every chapter I read started perfectly, ended with a brilliant hook to keep me reading, and was full of loveliness all the way through. I see why Sheena’s been plugging this. It’s absolutely fantastic.

Thumbs up, I’d give you more if I had more thumbs,

Craig

The Fourth World is a winner, Laurence. It may be for children and YAs, but I was drawn in from the pitch and I loved the way you started with Fintan and the bully in Ireland. I think we're all batting for him in this and again with Mister Smith. I guess we get moving with excitement as we zip across the pond and meet Zack and Ayako. I'd certainly buy this if I saw it in a bookstore - ostensibly for younger people, but with a lot of appeal for older ones. Backed and wishing you luck - Phil Rowan (Weimar Vibes)

Although I admit this isn't something I would normally read, I am returning the swap and happy I did.

I was drawn in from the beginning and your prose is smooth. After reading the small amount I had time to read I was intrigued by your concept and wanted to read on.

Backed

Jo xx

Spoilt

Fourth World—
Laurence,

Hi there. Thanks for reading Riley’s Gift – the support is much appreciated.
I’m here returning the read, I take notes as I read, and these are my comments.
Take what you like and leave the rest.

“Fintan picked himself up and dusted himself off.” I would X one of the ‘himself’

Fintan hadn’t noticed his friend approaching. (we know this- don’t think you need it)

“…Do you think that if [you] the school suspended you for a couple of days….” Delete extra ‘you’

“On a Sunday…” I don’t think you need the ‘a’.

“He always liked to come and sit and think here.” – seems awkward to me. How about--- “He liked to sit here and think.” Flows a little better.

“Sorry, we thought it was for your father,” she lied, “so we opened it. --- I would remove “she lied” this is her pov… you could put his thoughts in italics on the line below – saying “I know shes lying.” Or delete completely – we the reader can gather what’s happening.

Very cute story and one that I think your target audience will enjoy. I like the voice of the narrative. I think you could cut out some extra words here and there. Reading aloud helps me to find these areas. I wish you great luck.
On my shelf.
~Krista
--Riley’s Gift

Laurence,

I'm backing this because it is a great idea and you're doing really well with the edits. It's a little rough, but it's getting there. The story line is really good and kept me interested. My boys would like this.

Amanda

Oh yeah this is great. My kids would love it! Thought it was a bit too off the wall from the pitch but it flows beautifully and has much promise! Best of luck fella!
Simon

There is plenty of fantasy around. Something a little different is needed to stand out from the rest, and that, I think, is what you have here. I like the way you have ordinary people living ordinary lives, then something very extraordinary coming into their lives and going on unsuspected by the world around them.
For its imagination and your writing skill this is definitely worth a place on my shelf.
Good luck and best wishes. Phil. (Hallam's Ghosts)

Very cool idea, and very marketable. Good writing style, and lots of fun. Well done!
Minnie. (Nathan's Struggle)

Hi Laurence, this isn't my genre, but I think you have all the elements here for your target market. Great dialogue and easy writing style. This has a great premise and I'm sure it will do really well for you. Shelved with pleasure.

Hi Laurence, This has momentum and sets up an intriguing situation. I liked the opening with the dilemma of Fintan’s sticking out amongst the roughhousing students. The father’s reactions to the secrecy enhanced the conflict and gave the odd opportunity realism. Also, the “extreme punishment” really made me curious to find out about the school and the training program. Strong writing and a fascinating speculative – Shelved Katherine

Billy -- thanks for the comment. I was trying to get across that he was dazed as he moved from place to place, but in usual Fintan-like behavior he just sucked it up and got on with life (that's how he dealt with bullying after all).

The planes to A51 are not Jumbo Jets, but in fact small 737's from Las Vegas. (In real life!)

Here's a picture of 1 from Wikipedia:
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/4/48/350pxJanet_737-200_MGM_Grand_Las_Vegas.jpg

I've been to LV many times trying to spot them, but they're very well hidden!

I would have thought that Fintan would have been a little shocked at flying to the US and than being boarded onto another plane, than another. Though I don't think this would be an issue for younger readers it would have been nice to hear his controlled panic at not kowing where he was going. I would have also thought that the children would have been flown to Area 51 on the regular monthly jumbo jet flights that carry the engineers that work there. Still this is a good story and a great concept. Your characters' draw the reader into the tale. WLed and will shelf this weekend.

You take your time with telling the story. I appreciate that and I'm sure other readers will as well. You create a feel for Fintan, his family, and his intellect. It makes the reader feel comfortable when reading rather than feeling as if they have just been thrust into a world they know nothing about and have to figure out on their own. I really enjoyed the read and happy to place it on my shelf.
Love and Fear: The Diary of Oliver Lee
Kenny

Interesting idea for a kid's story. Something that hasn't been done before, as far as I can see. On the shelf as I continue to read.

Hi Laurence,
This is really a great book which keeps its readers absorbed. I am sure that also children would love it. Shelved.
Nillan
Blue-eyed in Luhya-land

Harry Potter - but good. The 'bullied kid gets a place in secret elite school' genre is a tough cookie I would have thought, but your take on the secret school is good enough to attract the right kind of attention. Your writing skill supports your story nicely too.

Andrew

Hi Laurence.
Yes, this is good. Fintan is an interesting MC even without the mysterious 'others' hovering in the background. Troubled by bullies yet clearly still able to hold his grades, he has backbone yet also gentleness, as he prefers to keep his head down.
His home life is pretty dreadful yet you have not fallen into the trap of making it *too* dreadful. And Mr Smith has just the right amount of mystery and normalcy to make him seem real.
With a school story such as this and a 'special' boy, I guess there will always be comparisons with HP, whether 'magic' is involved or not. Your opening is different enough at this stage, hopefully you will continue that as the story goes on.

I saw a couple of nits;
Watch your use of speech-tags (he said, etc). You tend to put them in even though it's obvious who is speaking.
In ch 1 you have the phrase 'it's easy to say' repeated three times.
Also in ch 1, the line 'do you think that if you the school suspended..' cut the second *you*.
You tend to use both captials and lower case for Father and mother. Choose one or the other!
In ch 2, 'bade her pleasant good morning'...needs *a* after 'her'.

Nits aside, I enjoyed this and would read on. Happy to shelve.
Cas.
KING'S ENVOY

What a horrible school life Fintan has. Delaney makes sure he won't eat lunch - that alone would drive me crazy. When Darren says that bullies are really cowards, I almost thought that the italized words at the beginning of the story might be aimed at Delaney, but it becomes clear in the second chapter that they aren't. Love the parents reaction to his interview letter - gotta love the old man burning through his money. Yes, we're pulling for poor little Fintan - we know what he needs. You've hooked me. Absolutely love this. Shelved.

This is an excellent story, I was drawn to the colourful cover, very eye catching and the pitch, I like the idea of basing the story around Area 51. The opening is excellent and even made me think of the beginning of The Neverending Story when Bastian is bullied into gtiving up his lunch money. To be honest the beginning made me think alot about bullying. Fintan is being bullied and his bigger friend asks him why he does fight back when I know from personal experience that standing up for yourself when being bullied is the hardest thing in the world and one is never sure it isn't going to make it worse. So I thought your opening was true to life, very well done and excellently written, Shelved immediately and can't wait to read more.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

[The Fourth World]
It starts off well. I'm straight into Fintan's head, feeling the pain and frustration he feels.

Just one quick question for now: you write he is unable to sleep at first, but when he is on the train, he can. I imagine he is dead tired, but even then. He would be quite nervous as well, which would keep him from sleeping much. After all, what is this school he is going to? I don't think he knows what it is or has any knowledge of even applying, so he would be wondering. In fact, this is the only thing I miss in the first chapters.

But that is only nitpicking. Apart from that, a great book! I'm glad I started to read it.

Peter
(Dane Redhill)

This is very lively, and there's a lot that a reader can immediately warm to in the characters. Well written and flows well. No problems I can see. Each chapter held my attention. There's a great book here that deserves to go places. Nothing to fault. Shelved.

-Jenny-

I think you have captured in Fintan what so many feel at his age. Disconnected and unwanted. I have no nits except that a few of the scenes could have been drawn out a little longer. Sometimes things were happening pretty fast. (But that could just be me I have often be accused of going too slow.) Good luck with this Shelved. C.P

I like this, even though it's not really my thing, but it's well written and evenly paced, without any odd phrasing.

This is different, great voice, dialogue is excellent. The Irish usually deliver the goods wheb it comes to VOICE. Great start. I hate bullies too. I'll try and come back with some more useful comments when I have more time. In the meantime, I'll put it on my shelf with pleasure.
Sue
A Boy Called George.