Mythic Blood

Very interesting story. Father Calvin-made me think of Calvinism and Damon made me think of Damien of the The Omen series (a personal fave). Great lead up. Have the feeling Damon is going to go psycho. The cover is awesome! Gives a great sense to your character development. Highly recommended.
Dina of Halo of the Damned and The Last Degree

I read your first chapter and enjoyed it. I like vampire stories, and Lucas was a really good MC. I thought Joan was going to play a bigger part, but looks like it's her's and Lucas's twin sons that will. I love the name Dante, and have one character called this name too.

Lucas is the stand out character of this chapter, his demonic nature set in nice contrast to his good side: The way he treated the mother and her small child, and his actions towards Joan just a couple of examples showing this. Plus, your cover is awesome :) It's what got my attention.

Your settings were also good, with the death and decay in the city. And I liked how the tables were turned on the murders who went after Lucas. All up, an enjoyable first chapter. All the best - Marita.

Your highly descriptive writing style coupled with your vivid imagination makes your finely crafted fantasy a pleasure to read. Your work is well paced, well written, your use of imagery is excellent and your character development is solid. Backed witrh pleasure.

Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Powerful cover with a great pitch. It's obvious you researched this and added your vivid imagination to the blend. The imagery is excellent and it plays in my head as I read it and that is a sure sign you are doing it right. Excellent.

Rome 1348, where ones life expectancy can be judged in hours as opposed to days or years. Descriptively as openings go, I doubt if Mythic Blood can be bettered, with other books of a similar genre. I'm relieved I was'nt born in the fourteenth century, if the accuracy and authenticity are anything to go by. But do we need Lucas, assuming the identity of a vampire, when we have already that other hideous creature ' MANKIND' roaming around. I'm backing Mythic Blood' because I must find out.

Damn, there has to be a sizeable market for this. Excellent horror writing, fantastic premise, your elaboration of the past and present is so authentically realised and Lucas is an awesome character. This is just great and could easily be adapted for a YA market, where a huge audience might be waiting.
Carl
The Time hunters

This is fantastic stuff. I was hooked in right from the start, and you've made this so incredibly convincing. People have pointed out a couple of technical issues, but once they're edited then you have something really remarkable here!

Abi xxx

Oh my god! What kind of father sells their son? you did an excellent job with this.
xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

Mythic Blood:

Shannon,

You certainly have a talent for invention and for making fantasy sound convincing.
Apart from a variation in fonts, nothing in particular jumped out at me, except to small points which I hope may be of some help.

I found the repetition of 'they' and 'she,' certainly in the first four paragraphs, made it a bit difficult to get my bearings, though I'm sure you had some reason in mind for witholding precisely who 'they' are or 'she' is.

The other point, though easily adjusted, is the incomplete sentence which begins, 'Until one child coughed violently, he vomited as his face turned a pale white and his body fell limp and dead into the street.' The 'Until' is redundant, as no comparison is being made, no condition being predicated. If you simply omit the 'Until,' the sentence is less confusing.

I don't normally look for editorial points as most of us can adjust these in subsequent proof readings and I don't know what opportunity you may have had as yet to proof-read/update since joining authonomy, so you would have, no doubt, picked these infelicities up as you edited.

I will try to read further, later.

Backed.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

Mythic Blood

Nice take on a vampire story. You have a great ability for developing character and you have skilfully weaved this through an (in my eye’s) unique storyline.
I think you have done well in creating a sympathetic response in the reader to Lucas. Very good read. - Good luck

“Mythic Blood”

Hi Shannon,

There was quite a bit about their transition into the life of a vampire that I felt was not totally necessary also the fact that their lives growing up were too much alike that I had to keep referring back to which twin I was reading about. Maybe just a little editing on that part in general in the beginning of the story would be good but overall, I enjoyed it. Will definitely keep it on my WL.

All the best with it.
Mazzadonna

What an imaginative story. Good characters. Good settings. Good read. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Dear Shannon Lee,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. You have a fascinating premise, in having a vampire at least partially reversing vampirism. I haven’t heard of this done before, but it strikes a chord in me. After a firm nod at your opening paragraph I skipped to chapter seven to cover less-traveled ground and was rewarded by Caine’s disappointment over a corpse that had the rudeness to die on him. Someone plays a joke on his vampire minion. I appreciate the section breaks between perspectives, aided further by the hooks at the end of each. Careful, you have “single” three times in one paragraph. Chilling how Caine listens to Dante’s cries as if a symphony. A typo slipped in at “dared walked”.

You do a great job setting the stage in your long pitch, building sympathy for your characters. In my fallible opinion, you could make it even more gripping by introducing some of the complications and difficulties in day walking, for vampires. What challenges do the brothers face? And end with a cliffhanger, what could go wrong if they fail?

You may have noticed a bias on this site against vampires, due to jealousy of their market popularity. This shouldn’t deter you. Backed, and best wishes.

Vampire than can walk out on days!! Great story, well-done. I love to back your book.

Gripping cover and what a great take on a vampire book! This is a sexy book! So far i am engrossed in your first four chapters but will return tonight to read more! BACKED with pleasure!

Liz
The Cheech Room

Wow what a great read, highly enjoyable.

You are a story teller extraordinaire and keep the reader interested throughout.

Happily shelved

Melxx

Very entertaining start.. the window.. hiding and waiting...
excellent stuff.
Then Lucas is a brilliant character..On my shelf.
One detail in the pitch..'At what cost would it take' is bad Englsh I think.
Best luck.......mikegilli............The Free

You’ve created a memorable character in Lucas—a vampire with a conscience. I found him endearing and it drew me into the story. I like your writing style. MYTHIC BLOOD has tremendous potential. Well done! Backed.

Richard Bard
BRAINRUSH

Finally something different in the vampire genre! I really like this and its nice to see an adult vamp after so long. Backed!

Missy

Yay a mature vampire story... love it.

I have only read the first chapter but I know I would want to and will read more.

Nothing much to add here but this is fab.. and great name for your MC, sounds familiar.

Jo xx

Spoilt

Breath of fresh air - lovely work.

Backed

Kev

Ok, I was complaining about vampire books just a few days ago... and I've passed over dozens since joining this site, but this one is fresh. I like the idea of vampire warriors. Not sweet romantic poets in frilly clothes. There's always a legendary day walker as well. I'll continue on reading to see how your version turns out, but it opens well. I don't see any problems with the writing, it flows well.

Backed.
Dan-
Eunice Stubbins, among others...

For this genre, that cover and title combination is sheer perfection. Excellent pitches too, concise, well planned and very effective. 'Across the sands of time,' is a bit of a cliche, but bearable. A vampire novel taking a different slant is always welcome and the premise here, the reluctant vampire, is certainly enticing.
Lucas is a real find, a memorable and well drawn character, and for the legions of vampire buffs out there, you've got a winner here. It's not to my taste, but that's not to take away from the worth of the book or the certainty of its appeal. Backed.
Jared (Mummy's Boy)

I just saw Daybreakers on the weeked, it restored my faith in vampire movies. and your book restored my faith in vampire novels. I am pleased that this is different. I like that you are exploring the reverse side of vampires, the what happens when they don't want to be vampires, could they be good.
Your writing is fluid and yet it needs some work. Grammar, punctuation and tense slippage. Once you figure these things out it would be much better. This could do really well I encourage you to keep working at it.
In the pitch, should it be or worse (not worst?) Just didn't flow right with worst.
I like Lucas. He is a strong MC. One I find who is refreshing as he has a heart and feelings. You have a great start.
Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

I've been waiting for a book to explore this element of the vampires.... Galconda in the Vampire Masquerade book.
A fan of early Anne Rice, i could just sink my teeth into this and be up all night, with candles in a log cabin in bear country... the way i read The Vampire Lestat.

Great read, great story, great writing, loved it

BACKED

A very differant way of doing the vampire novel, and one which I haven't seen before, so well done on spotting a good niche. It's an engaging style, but there were a few points where it seemed that you were using the wrong verb tense:

"He pulled from the embrace as his hand gently came upon her belly. He smiled as he felt the baby kicked"

That's one that I noticed; I felt it should be '...baby kick'. But the tenses are not the end of the world and a quick edit would quickly pay dividends to find them and alter them.

Backed.

-Jenny-

Hi Shannon.

This is an intriguing book. You have started it in quite a unique way, using a main character - Joan- who doesn't survive the first chapter.
Lucas, when we meet him, has a good air of mystery about him and it's a refreshing change to see a vampire with a conscience and a heart. The scene with the golden statues was very interesting.
You end ch 1 with a beguiling hook, the hint that the newborn twins have some destiny to fulfil.
Great stuff.

The writing does need a lot of work though. You often change tense and there are plenty of grammatical errors. It would really repay you to get them fixed, as they do make the text less than easy to read.
The other thing I wondered about was the setting. Rome in 1348 didn't come through clearly for me. As someone who lived there for three years I was expecting to find some references to places I knew but the story could have been set anywhere, it was amorphous.
Also the name 'Joan' didn't sound right for this period. Atticus was fine and even Lucas, (although perhaps Luca would be better) but Joan sounded far to modern.
Police - had the word even been invented in 1348?

Despite its problems, Mythic Blood does have potential. I think that if you cleaned it up, it would be an intriguing read. Therefore I'm happy to give it a few minutes on my shelf.
Cas.
KING'S ENVOY

this is enjoyable. It manages to stand out among the vampire novels on this site, no small achievement. Personally I wouldn't have shouted words written all in capitals, but it's really up to you. I like your atmospheric, gothy prose and I think this deserves a place on my shelf for a while
Jonathan Watts
Dread Fist

Mythic Blood...

You have an interesting premise and have built up sympathy for your MC within your partial (bravo), but your manuscript really needs a good edit (spelling mistakes, punctuation, etc.)

To help you with your editing, do read Self-Editing for Fiction Writers by Renni Browne and Dave King...it's one of my many writing bibles.

I think your opening needs work because I found it unclear. You can break any writing rule except the one in favour of clarity. I think what happens to all of us is that we try to hard to make our openings just right and sometimes clarity gets lost in the shuffle. You can improve clarity by ensuring that the order of the thoughts is right, too. Sometimes we put things in the wrong order. Think about Stimulus and Response, or cause and effect...that helps me a lot.

Another book which will help you to strengthen each scene is Scene and Structure by Jack W. Bickham. It's another one of my writing bibles.

Do read those books--you'll thank me for the recommendations and your story will get even better.

Shelved to encourage you to keep on writing.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES

Mythic Blood...

Commenting as I go along, starting with your pitches, but keep in mind that I’m severely pitch-challenged...and also keep in mind that I personally find your pitches very intriguing.

Your short pitch is sometimes called the elevator pitch because you’re supposed to imagine that you’re in an elevator with an agent and you only have one or two sentences to pitch your novel in such a way that the agent will ask for a partial. Not sure yours does that because it doesn't say enough about the actual story.

BTW, pitches should be in the present tense, they say.

Here’s the allegedly winning formula for the longer pitch:
1. Who is your protagonist? (Lucas doesn't enter soon enough, I think)
2. What does he want?
3. What obstacles does he encounter? (three specific ones is a good rule of thumb)
4. a hint about the resolution

And for heaven's sake, don't use my pitches as examples.

A good place for pitch feedback is www.agentquery.com.

Reading on...

WOW!!! I cant put this book down!!!

I love this story, the only thing is the twins lives are to much a like. Danta should have had the life of privilege, and the vampire that took him trained him as a warrior. Just my thought.

The priest was an ass.

WOW! The first chapter was amazing. I love it. Cant wit to read more.
Sweet Empress.

I liked your pitch and decided to dip into your book. I noticed a lot of run-ons. The good news is they are easy fixes - just turn the comma into a period or add a conjunction or sub conjunction. I´m listing them out so you can fix them - please don´t take this as an insult - this is designed to make your writing even better. Well, here they are:
...better days, 1328 had...(switch comma to a semicolon because you can´t start a sentece with a number)
...over the city, she closed...
...men, women, childern...(add were) searching...money, she worried...
...crust of bread, their swords...
...coughed violently, he vomited...
...their own homes, the police couldn´t say...
...once more, for three nights...
....he smiled at her, a coy wink followed...
...vanished for a day, she needed...
...expecting twins, her belly...

Best of luck, KJ

A deftly written, grown-up vampire story.
Easily backed.
Mark

A new twist on the vampire mythology. Much better written than Twilight in my opinion. WL.

The first few lines intrigued me. I distinctly recall tilting my head to the side after reading 'Rome." I like Rome, and so I continued.

[Side note; the cover is a little frightening to me, but I'm not judging your book by its cover.]

I enjoy the story, and the dark tones you've added to it. I might consider changing the name Atticus (not that it's a bad name, just that it was popularized through Harper Lee's, TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD, and that might be what people associate it with instantly, thus, taking away from your story.)

All in all, you've got my backing!
Ashley | Morningside

Hi Shannon. I have just read chapter one. It has a lovely, easy flow, and is an exciting story. You have managed to convey a good feeling of place, and immediately i was drawn into the ancient world you have created, and am looking forward to learning more. Any more work you have to put in, just consists of small things. There were a few typos, and you shifted from one tense to another occasionally - but we are all guilty of these things! I will continue to read, and comment some more later. I really do think you will do well with this book - so consider yourself shelved! Please take a look at mine and tell me what you think! Regards, Jan.

Hi Shannon,

You have an intriguing premise. The opening paragraph is very powerful but the switch in tense was a little distracting. You start off in present tense and then move into past tense.

This is compelling stuff. Great characterisation and the dialogue is intense and believable.

“Keep what is in the pockets… I(.)” I added a period. There are a few other dialogues without punctuation at the end.

I liked the chapter ending. It leaves you wanting more.

Chap 2 is written in a different font than the prologue. I would keep them the same. I think you have a potentially good story here it just needs a little tightening. It’s surprising how many times we can go over a work and still miss little things. I’m still editing and yet I manage to miss the small things. All the best.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

very descriptive. I am not going into all thats been said her about editing. I did find however that you describe in detail and sometimes a little too much. For example the floor wood making noises. You mentioned that over a period of two paragraphs. Sometimes less is more. However, this is still a great story. Backed.

Hi, I loved this. It's suitably dark, vivid and exciting. I wanted to read on but I was distracted by the way you mixed the present tense with the past and jumped from one character's view point to the other. There was no continuity. Don't worry we all need to edit! Correct those probs and you'll have a great story. Backed.

There's some good stuff in here, and I appreciate the way you just dive into the story.

I do have to say that it needs a good does of grammatical editing, you keep switching tenses and it makes for rather rough reading. An example: "the three men who stare at her house had vanished." Stare is present tense, had is past tense. Mixing tenses is usually a bad idea, and having the present tense "stare" describe something that happened before the past tense "had" is extra confusing for the reader. It should probably be "the three men who had stared at her house had vanished." That kind of mixing of tenses is scattered all over this, so it's something you might want to go through and clean up.

That kind of grammatical issue aside, the story itself is quite engaging! So don't let that get you down.

I apologize for the delay in commenting you. You have a gift for words, my friend. You are staying on my WL so I can read more later. You'll get to the editor's desk for sure! I am shelving you for the brilliant writing you offer us readers. This is your vision in print, and the writing is spot on.

If you have not read/commented, possibly back my book yet, please take a moment out and do that soon. Cheers!
JC

This is interesting but the tense changes are distracting so I stopped reading. Sorry.

Let me know when you correct this and I'll come back.


Rian

It really is kind of amazing how the vampire genre keeps going, and while I've never been a particularly avid reader of them, I do enjoy a good vampire book from time to time.
The Lucas character is what makes the work entertaining, and I enjoy both the horror and fantasy elements of the novel (I think this is what usually makes for a strong vampire story).

On a side note, I also like the cover you have.

Mythic Blood

Hi Shannon, You have got a great character creation in Lucas and the whole premise of your book is intriguing, the interest and market for these kind of stories never really wanes. The supporting cast are great too and your descriptions do not slow the plot down, simply add to our ability to picture it. Great end of chapter hook...a great read that I will try and come back to soon - Andrew W.

Shannon,
Forgive me for the brief comment as I am going on holidays and trying to clear my WL. I read through the first part quickly but won't read on. It's doing well but it didn't appeal to me, just not my 'thing'. My suggestions are to be careful of the tense; it's not consistent. That should be very easy to fix. And there are a number of instances when you simply tell us what's happening. One example is when Joan has the baby. Some of the sentences are broken by a comma when perhaps they would be more effective as two sentences. All this, of course, is just 'in my opinion' and I am no expert. Feel free to ignore me, okay. Good luck with it.

Good pitch,
Nice to see a new use of vampires

A merry life and a short one. A pirates creed. Damn the cost of it all and Go Lucas.
Shelved