Curse of the Golden Fly

Camille,

The story's premise is fascinating.
Lesley is an awesome character. Of course, I'm all about the inner dynamics of the people. and their relationships. You have done a masterful job of creating the relationship between Lesley and Samir. I love it...
It gave me goosebumps.
My second love is antiquities and the fly is creative genius. It is gripping, compelling, and exciting.
I love the sound effects you create, it tickles another sense. The variations in the text catch my attention as I am currently working with a couple of young adults that have mastered dyslexia, but still struggle a bit on a daily basis with it. I have observed the variations of the text on the page helps them tremendously.
The fly buzzing around is an exciting scene.
I love the story. I am going to read more in my breaks today, but since you have been so helpful I wanted to go ahead and make some comments.

Great Story!
Sammy Sutton
King Solomon's '13'

Camille,
Your “Curse of the Golden Fly” opens with a short prologue set in 3100BC as a thief in the royal treasury flees with something, valuable for both its rubies and its power to betray the king. The thief knows that if he’s caught, both his future and that of his entire family is doomed to horrible deaths and oblivion.

With Chapter One, the scene shifts to 2001 as Lesley kisses her best friend Samir goodbye. He’s going home to Egypt with his family. All he’s ever known is Indiana, so this is not a welcome move. Relatives who still lived there are successful businessmen, so his life would be urban, just like here, but he’d be leaving Lesley. Grandmother said they came from a line of Grand Viziers but he doesn’t feel Egyptian. Meanwhile, Lesley is wrestling with Mike, another friend, so she’s obviously a tomboy. She didn’t like Mike’s request to be her new best friend. Samir draws her into privacy in the treehouse and gives her a going-away gift - a golden fly. His grandmother gave this family heirloom to him with strict instructions to never sell it. Lesley tries to refuse it but he insists that she can return it when they’re reunited. Neither child thinks it’s real gold, rather it’s just a cute knick knack grandmother brought from Egypt. The ruby eyes are missing, so its value isn’t apparent. Hieroglyphics are written on its belly but no one knows what it says. Lesley fantasizes that it was the dowry for a princess. He says the story went that when the Vizier fled Egypt he sold the rubies to pay for his escape. She’s convinced a princess married the Vizier’s son. Samir longs for the day they’ll be together again.

Chapter Two jumps six years to find Lesley having a difficult time in high school. She in trouble with the principal, but ever the tomboy, bounces her basketball off the wall of her room. She wishes she could be a “fly on the wall,” to find out what her parents are thinking. She’s worried that she won’t make it into the same college as Samir, but her vision blurs and all goes black. When she wakes up, she’s horrified to discover that she’s grown hairy legs and wings like a fly. BZZZZZZZZ – she wants to fly to a mirror but must practice the ability, as it doesn’t come naturally. After practicing, she leaves her room and flies down to find her parents who are discussing her situation. She’s become the proverbial “fly on the wall,” as if her wish came true. Her mother Sally is truly worried – maybe their daughter should be evaluated. Her father Bill is more relaxed. It’s just a phase. He’s astonished when Sally tells him that Lesley has been staying after school for detention for fighting – not to play ball as she’s been telling them. He’s shocked to see doctor and dentist bills from parents of kids she’s knocked around. Sally points out that they know all the people. All of their children are successful – cheerleader, valedictorian, athlete. Lesley is a bully. Bill suddenly reacts and yells for Lesley to get downstairs. She’s startled and flies away from her perch on the lampshade. Sally goes to get the flyswatter as Lesley flees up the stairs back into her room. Landing on her pillow, she wishes she were a kid again, and all goes black.

You created an interesting sympathetic character in Lesley, and those around her are well-suited to their rolls. Natural dialog and clever story line. I’ll move this to my bookshelf.
Mary

I've just read through chapter 5 and am dying to keep going but for now, its on my shelf. At first I thought, hmmm, The Fly meets The Metamorphosis meets...a really well written young adult book. Then I realized where you were going with this and the first two references fell away to leave a book with great insight into the young person's mind, very funny, very creative, and a real page turner. Best of luck with this; I think it's a winner!
Georgina - The Time Baroness
(oh, there's an odd typo I think in Ch. 4. A couple of 3/4 marks randomly placed. You might want to check.)

Dear Camille,

A nice idea for a story. I suspect that many will enjoy this. It doesn't quite take the direction that I expected, but this is part of its charm. I hope you do well with it and I look forward to seeing more of your work.

Kind regards,
Julian

fascinating, well written and paced. original tale...
backed...
read SEASONS...

Wow indeed! A very well written and exciting book.
This deserves to go far!

Backed.
Simon,
Yuko Zen is Somewhere Else.

Nitpicking. Tears rand down his hollow cheeks. Dead giveaway. First time writers and draft under no 10, and you write this way, hollow cheeks, golden blond hair, full red lips... Get where I am going with this. Good rule someone gave me - count all the adjectives and then eliminate 80 percent. Then if it still doesn't appeal, lost it. As in, writing should stand up without flowery adjectives, adverbs.

Then he would feed the beetles to a buzzard - the POV is not clear... Twine seems an olde worlde word for the theme. In all seems a fun read and will find its target. BFP Four Better Four Worse

Camille, being a big fan of ancient Egypt lore, this caught my eye. You've created a unique, fun filled tale the middle grades will take to. Backed with pleasure. CW (To Save the Sun)

very enchanting- reminiscent of the books I used to read when I was young

Lynne Ellison


The Green Bronze Mirror

'The King in his insurmountable fury would...' that paragraph is brilliant. Insurmountable fury indeed. I love the pitch for this book. The idea of this moving through time to the present day (popular with readers, too.) I'm off to bed so have had to watchlist a few promising reads tonight (yours too) as I like to comment properly when I've read more than one chapter. However, I had to just say how much I enjoyed this first one.
Polly
STONES.

Hi Camille. great fictional conceit + strong writing. a fine mix of description, introspection and action.
happily on my shelf.
no quibbles here. a thoroughly enjoyable read.
very best, andy

Dear Camille

you asked me to look at your book and back, well I have done one further READ oh WOW. you have a gift. This is a captivating read, your characters grabbed me and they would not let me go. actually i did not want them to either. Your ability to paint with words is an ability I wish I had congrats ON A WELL CRAFTED BOOK.

Please take a moment to look, COMMENT which is important to me, and BACK my book. if not that is OK
also

The VERY best of luck to you

BACKED BY ME FOR SURE.
Denise
The Letter

This story engaged me from the start and I have now read the first 4 chapters. The flow is great, the characterization for Lesley and her Mum are great, and as for turning into a fly .... nice!

This is one of those books on Authonomy that I will keep reading. Love the story so backed!

Best wishes - Glenn (Darkling Child)

A very gory but descriptive opening. I like your character, and you made Lesley come alive with your writing style.
A genuine talent is at work here. Well done. Eunice - The Temple dancer.

The hook is inviting. Your writing also drew me to read more chapters. However, there needs to be a bit tweaking needed. After an Ellipse, I don't think there should be a capital letter. However, I do think the ellipse wasn't meant to be used. Still, I love your work.

BACKED
Kelvin
ICIRE: The Rebirth

Good work on the prologue and first chapter.

Happy to back this.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

An interesting premise and very well written. Already backed.

A unique novel- easy to back for gifted imagination and talented writing.

Liz
The Cheech Room
A Fine Pickle

THE KING WILL KILL ME!
First: Best first line of a book I'VE read in a long time!
Second: Best Title for a YA adventure yet!
Third: Great storyline and just the right amount of irreverence in the narrative for kids.
Fourth: WONDERFUL cover!
Fifth to Infinity: A winner.
sc

An interesting opening. Backed

Good opening that pulled me in from the outset. A nicely crafted and skillfully written young adult novel that is highly enjoyable.
Jane

This is an excellent story with a good premise. I really like your casual style of writing and story flow. The characters are very believable and well done. All in all, a great YA book. My only minor criticism is I found the girl turning into a fly a little corny, but again, most young readers will find it exciting and interesting. I predict you will find a publisher and do well with this story - particularly with such a catchy title.

Best of luck,

Thomas Albert-Seeing Stone

I have to say, I wasn't sure after reading the pitch if this would be something I would enjoy or not. I'm really glad I started reading it, because it's great! Very well-written, and great descriptions and excellent dialogue make a perfect foundation for this wonderful story. Backed with pleasure, and it will be staying on my watch list so that I can read more!

I have to say, I wasn't sure after reading the pitch if this would be something I would enjoy or not. I'm really glad I started reading it, because it's great! Very well-written, great descriptions, and excellent dialogue make a perfect foundation for this wonderful story. Backed with pleasure, and it will be staying on my watch list so that I can read more!

Hi Camille

Cracking opening - funny, dramatic, beautifully written. Lots of potential. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

This is real, fast flowing fun! Lesley is a very interesting character and I love that she's not entirely likeable, that it unfolds that she's actually a bully that other kids are afraid of, and the encounters at school are really well written and funny. Well done.

Definitely backed.
K
Nick Keen's Guide to Ghost Cleaning

Dear Camille

It is so good to see that your book was well received. I have already commented and backed your book, and as at times the backing have not shown, i will back your again, just to MAKE SURE.
I do wish you the very best with your writing

Denise
The Letter

I have to admit, when I got into chapter one I wasn't quite sure what angle you were working. But now, half way into four because you haven't yet lost my interest I think I can validly sy you've got quite an adventure on your hands.

Good luck with this!

This mixture of genres, disciplines and historical periods really works. This is fascinating and it will appeal across a broad age group. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

The first chapter was immediately intriguing, and so of course I had to move on to the next chapter - and the next - the pace is really good, and I felt it easy to identify with Lesley as one of your main characters.. very well done - Backed !
Diane
Good Blood

Hi Camille,

I loved your prologue it made me smile as I read it, and I equally loved your opening chapter, you write with great wit and humour, Lesley and Samir are great characters, and I look forward to reading more about their burgeoning romance. I liked your title, it drew me in straight away and the significance of the golden fly comes to light in the second chapter as Lesley`s abilities come to light. This is a unique piece of writing, full of vivid imagery, intriguing characters and thrilling scenes, I`m sure that your target audience will love it...Backed with pleasure.

Good luck,
Cerys (Bradan)

Camille
Imaginative, interesting and well-written, your book should certainly appeal to iits intended YA audience.
Backed.
Regards
William (The Caves of Caerdraig)

This is very nicely written and interesting! I like the bit in the first, very intriguing, gave me chills! Backed with pleasure!
Christi Watson
Wonder- Heart of Captivation- A Thief of Life Series

Consider reducing the number of exclamation marks by half. Overuse diminishes their effectiveness. Other than that, this is an enthralling fantasy with interesting and well fleshed out characters. Lovely descriptions. Compelling narrative. Fresh dialogue. Your storyline is magical. Smooth writing. A delight to read. Backed.

24 August 2010
I enjoyed reading Curse of the Golden Fly because of its freshness and unaffected approach. The apprehensions of the Grand Vizier in ancient Egypt are graphically described and give the background to the title with efficient economy. Flash forward to the New World and the plot is set in motion with credibility and the reader's belief is effortlessly suspended. I delved into the book several chapters on and found the quality of the work to be consistent and entertaining. One small observation -- Young Adult might be more fitting for this MS as opposed to Chick Lit but as an old codger…. BACKED. Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run

A fascinating concept and tale, the relationship between Samir and Lesley is to be admired, and your fantasy world is rich in creativity and imagination. Lesley is quite a character and this makes it a captivating read.

backed,

Lisa

This is terrific! I love your premise and your MC and I can't wait to read more. On my shelf.
Joanna
Fossil Farm

I loved it!! I never read past a couple chapters on most of the books here simply because reading from the computer gives me a headache. But I got all the way to seven before I couldn't stand the pulsing of my head anymore!! The story's riveting. It's fun and perfect for the age range.

I love Lesley. She's the kind of girl who would run up to you and tackle ya to the floor. Again, love her! The relationship is so adorable between her and Samir (I'm kind of hoping that whipped-cream head isn't going to ruin it. Although, if you get me to like him more, I may change my mind).

Thank you so much for sharing this exciting tale. Backed for sure and with pleasure!!

Laura
"Jhevalia"

Happy to back this. Colin

Fantastic YA fantasy. Engrossing and beautifully written. The prose flows beautifully, and the dialogue is natural and perfect. The prologue is a perfect introduction to the plot, and Lesley is a great MC! A fantastic ms that definitely deserves to be published!

Good Luck!

Selena Hallahan - 'With Teeth'

PMSing - Hmm, if you have daughters, it's the one time of the month that you have to enter their bedrooms with a whip and chair (a loaded gun wouldn't hurt!).

Hi
Your story unfolds well and the mystery deepens as I read on. It has all the ingredients of a great story. Great characterisations with Lesley and Samir. You create tension well. Take care not to switch POV in one scene.
Just a few nits below...
Chapt 2 'Bill looked....' POV with Bill. This weakens the scene.
Chapt 3 'Sally didn't want to start...' POV with Sally. This weakens the scene.
What is 'pmsing'?
'The nervy girl...' This is telling not showing.
Backed.
A return read and comment would be appreciated.
Cheers Olga

Hi
Your story unfolds well and the mystery deepens as I read on. It has all the ingredients of a great story. Great characterisations with Lesley and Samir. You create tension well. Take care not to switch POV in one scene.
Just a few nits below...
Chapt 2 'Bill looked....' POV with Bill. This weakens the scene.
Chapt 3 'Sally didn't want to start...' POV with Sally. This weakens the scene.
What is 'pmsing'?
'The nervy girl...' This is telling not showing.
Backed.
A return read and comment would be appreciated.
Cheers Olga

Everything is on the up-and-up here. A great story, vivid descriptions, a good pace and interesting characters. nothing to critique, really. Wonderfully and intelligently written for YA, which is a delight to see. I'm of the faith that even YAs can exercise their vocabulary. Well done.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

Very good begining and style. You have chosen your genre well. Backed.

I invite you to read or comment Dreams Come True: A Story About Taylor Swift.

God Bless,
Chipper

Camille,

This is just superb. I love the opening wherein you detail the thief's extravagant demise at the king's decree. Very cute. Would it not be Pharaoh, though, as opposed to king?

Your writing is polished and flows well. I found no problems whatsoever to make any suggestions. Sorry, I'm just no damn help. Suck a little I might can help you out. This is looking to be a solid YA and I bet you'll do well with it.

Oh, one nit. That's no fly on your cover. See my second book to see why I say that. :)

Thanks for a good read and all the best with it.

Eric

Camille S,

I read your first chapter and it's a pretty good read. I like the premise and where the story is going. I'm a big fan of description and I think that you could add some more into your work, atleast in the first chapter, to make the world come more alive for your reader. The prologue reads too quick for me but the actual first chapter reads better and your characters are entertaining and well done.
I wish you the best of luck in your writing!
Have a great day!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

Great character in Lesley and she is smack dab in the middle of a well crafted story that is burned in my head as a movie. You use classic elements to great effect and we thunder along this story. Excellent.

Hello,

What an interesting premise. Very different; I like it. Everyone has said at one time "I wish I was a fly on the wall" Great! Your writing is clean and descriptive and worthy of my backing

Denise

The writing feels polished and reads well. The pace is good and characters are well drawn. Didn't spot any obvious typos or errors.

The story starts well, moves quickly from Egypt to America and Lesley is a very engaging if odd girl. Certainly no stereotypical characters here. You bring an anmusing tone to proceeedings that I enjoyed.

At this point (I read three chapters) I wasn't sure exactly what the fly's powers are. She wished to be a fly, and the figurine is of a fly, but I wasn't sure if that was a coincidence or not. I guess it becomes clear later.

An original and well presented premise, overall a fun read. Backed.

Dear Camille
wow have finished reading and this is a wonderful fantasy that you have created to feel very real. CONGRATS. your characters play in my head like they belong however they need to leave not\w, nope they wont. well what do you expect when characters are so animated...loved it well done
I will carry on reading and comment further on as I would like to get this book of yours backed to assist it on the climb to the top.
Backed for sure my me. ..I would really appreciate it if your would look at my book, COMMENT , and back it. If not that is OK also
The VERY best of luck with your book

Denise
The Letter

Your opener is corect, as it gives the reader a glimpse into the past. Shoert and sweet.
When you bring the reader to modern times you do a good job at narration and a better one with dialogue.
You've got my backing.
Ps. Would appreciate you looking at TO KILL A DEAD MAN

You have crafted a most intesting storyline and I like your use of foreshadowing in the Prologue. You make excellent use of imagery, your character development of Lesley is well done and your use of short paragraphs coupled with crisp, realistic dialogue keeps the pace of your story flowing nicely. All of this coupled with your descriptive writing style ensures that your fantasy will have a broad appeal with the YA audience. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

An excellent piece of writing

BACKED