The Mystery of the Goodfellowes' Code

Interesting developments....

I few suggestions:
1) Make your paragraphs shorter...in novel form, some of these paragraphs will take up the whole page...nothing looks more cumbersome than having to face a page of just type...kids need white space...they need to feel like they are getting through the novel.
2) Add more dialog...it's interesting to read the kids reactions to the stolen shield...its MORE interesting to actually listen in to their conversation.

These are just a few suggestions based on what I know my 13 year old would recommend.

Ann

Dear Mark, good to see the chapters are now sorted out. Gives me a much better picture.

The previous comments stand about length of paras etc. As the book moves on, you seem to get into the swing of things much more, which is great. This is a sort of public school Da Vinci Code (no disrespect intended; DVC was a great page turner).

Chapter 1 "here, here" should be "hear, hear"; many people make that error.

Would be good to be able to read it all. Make sure you do have the will power to edit it.

I'm awarding it a temporary bookshelf.

R

Mark,

I've watchlisted your novel and am looking forward to it. Thumb twiddling indeed.

Alice

Dear Mark,

For some reason Chapters 1 and 2 are identical (Sebastian's night-time mission). Does this mean I'm missing some of the backstory?

As for what I've read, though I cannot now make a proper judgement because of the first two chapters, this needs a serious, ruthnless edit. The paragraphs and some of the sentences are too long (which means a reader could give up before he reaches the end fo either). Punctuation needs to be tightened, and there are typos which only a manual spell-check will find.

It's an intriguing premise. Please let me know when the chapter problems are sorted, so I can come back and make a final decision on bookshelving.

R

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

Hi Mark,

I love your cover – did you make it yourself? I also enjoyed reading your synopsis, which paints an exciting and adventurous picture. The writing is technically good, although there are some spelling errors and in a few places some italics and hyphenation seem to be missing.

I think there are some really good ideas in here and loads of potential, and you have probably have some great experiences to write from, but to me the writing gets too bogged down in itself for the story to grip me. I’ll offer you what I’ve got with my usual disclaimer: all just one person’s opinion, if you don’t agree, feel free to shove it in the bin where it belongs. ;-)

The writing is very firmly in ‘third person omniscient’ which was more common in the past. Increasingly popular in modern writing is ‘third person limited’ where the story is told through the interpretations of one PoV character at a time (although the author is free to switch to different characters as necessary between chapters and scenes). I think the story would benefit a lot if it was told more from a third person limited PoV.

The first chapter, concerning a discussion regarding the restoration of a shield and an endowment, didn’t seem to me to be necessary. I think this is the sort of backstory that could be worked in as the protagonists discover it. The second chapter took 3 chapters to reveal that the character’s name is Sebastian, and the 3rd paragraph is extremely long. There is a lot of description of who Sebastian is and what he likes, what other people think of him, etc., etc. I think this chapter would make a really engaging opening if it had been from Sebastian’s PoV as he climbed up the building and stole the shield – it would immediately throw the reader into the action if the first thing they see is him clinging to the side of the building and trying to apply his mountaineering expertise. It would also be a good way to give the reader a picture of the layout of the school and its environs.

The next chapter concerns a new character, Monty. This chapter is about him starting at the same school, but I found it heavy going as I did the earlier chapters because there is so much description and so little of what Monty is seeing and feeling. The other chapters continue in much the same fashion, and I think you’re trying to put across too much information. Try to concentrate just on what’s relevant to your protagonist and what’s happening around them at the time and you’ll have a leaner, more efficient book. Looking down the comments you’ve already received, some people have commented on the vocabulary. I don’t think the vocabulary is a problem in the right context – if children aren’t going to learn new vocabulary from books where are they to get it from? (!) I do think that the writing needs to be more focused, though, and in making it so you will be making the book more entertaining.

Boarding school seems to be a perennially popular topic for children's books, and with a bit more focus I could see this really fitting the bill.

I hope this is some use to you, and good luck with your book.

-Manda.

Chapter five comments:

About adding suspense...this book is set in a great place to add suspense. A boarding school with dark corners and long dark halls. A boiler room, maybe a dungeon...perhaps a few secret rooms? When your protagonist enters a room, can he find something that seems eerie? Maybe while he sleeps he can hear whispering in the hall but when he opens the door, no one is there? Could there be objects placed in spots where they don't belong and when he questions them, they disappear. You could add suspense in these ways and it will, even if the answers turn out to be simple and not mysterious at all, it will make the read more enjoyable. Especially for the kids.

Just a suggestion.

Ann

Chapter five comments:

About adding suspense...this book is set in a great place to add suspense. A boarding school with dark corners and long dark halls. A boiler room, maybe a dungeon...perhaps a few secret rooms? When your protagonist enters a room, can he find something that seems eerie? Maybe while he sleeps he can hear whispering in the hall but when he opens the door, no one is there? Could there be objects placed in spots where they don't belong and when he questions them, they disappear. You could add suspense in these ways and it will, even if the answers turn out to be simple and not mysterious at all, it will make the read more enjoyable. Especially for the kids.

Just a suggestion.

Ann

Well thanks again - at the outset I had ths idea in mind as the story being a welcome to boarding school guide - so that detail is there to serve that purpose. The walk to schoolis key I felt because there are various parts of it that are used throughout the story - perhaps a map of the school and environs would be better. I must say I quite look forward to your comment in the morning.
Best Mark

Chapter four comments:

1) Some of your paragraphs are still a bit long...but perhaps you're not editing it.
2) I love the descriptions you use, I can imagine myself in the school, first day, the jitters...nice.
3) The endings are great in your book but you have to read a lot of mundane happenings to get there...We learned the route to walk to the school, the layout of the school, the teacher everyone hates, where math building is...these could be cut down and more suspense added.

Just suggestions.

Ann

Dear Ann
Well thanks so much for sticking with this you must be the only one. regarding young readers - my son's prep school has several copies of the book (POD copy) where it has been well received and I have been in and talked to them about the story. Similarly the school I taught at have been interested in it. The voice in the story is very English and my target audience quite clearly defined. For it to be a more commercial proposition there are many things that would have to change. My re-write will see me reversing the first two chapters.
All the best
Mark

Chapter three critique...

I suggest breaking up this chapter but perhaps you did. It seemed like a long read...

I love the clue at the end, I suppose, it will attract readers that are going for this sort of book to begin with. Now, I just have to figure out what it means. The nature of the riddle will propel the reader onwards. So great job at that.

I still find the wording and voice a bit difficult, have you had a YA reader? What do they say about the book. I would try to round up a few if you have a chance or haven't already done so.

Ann

Thanks that is really useful!

Interesting developments....

I few suggestions:
1) Make your paragraphs shorter...in novel form, some of these paragraphs will take up the whole page...nothing looks more cumbersome than having to face a page of just type...kids need white space...they need to feel like they are getting through the novel.
2) Add more dialog...it's interesting to read the kids reactions to the stolen shield...its MORE interesting to actually listen in to their conversation.

These are just a few suggestions based on what I know my 13 year old would recommend.

Ann

Mark,

I saw your response to Derec's forum thread. Why are you feeling self-conscious? I hope it's not because you are rewriting for others rather than yourself.

Alice

Mark,

I saw your response to Derec's forum thread. Why are you feeling self-conscious? I hope it's not because you are rewriting for others rather than yourself.

Alice

Hi Mark,

I did get the information I needed on the curfew in Berlin. Thank you for your help and for asking!

Alice

First of all, great cover. And one I can judge your book by, as it turned out. :-) The plot has the public school facet of Harry Potter and the code-breaking draw of Da Vinci Code, so you must surely be onto something! It's also told with witty charm or charming wit - so difficult to tell those apart - and it just strikes me as exactly the sort of fun read I had been led to expect from that cover. Some of the paras seem on the lengthy side, so a spot of editing and rearranging things would be sure to help this, but I can see a great deal of appeal here for younger readers - and some of us older ones too. :-)

Wow, thank you - high praise indeed. You can tell your son I'm no god though :-)

Ann
Thanks so much for your comment. The aim of my story was to provide a introduction to boarding school/deliver a message/hopefully entertain. The age group 12 aiming from my own experience of teaching them shouldn't really struggle with the vocab. I notice that you are Canadian (as is my wife Nova Scotian) she is just coming to terms with the British private (a bit niche I'm afraid) education system. The significance of the shield is developed in chapter 2 but the purpose of chapter 1 is to introduce the shield and the endowment and link the group of old boys to the two. As for my cigar that is being tossed firmly out oof the window in my re-write!
Thanks so much I'll have a loopk at yours
All the best
Mark

Chapter one:

Question: What age group are you hoping this will be for? I am 33, well educated and found some of the wording to be above me. Elucidate. Unassailable... as much as I'm for student's reading novels with a dictionary by their side, some students might just complain...

Question: How do you puff out a cigar in an arrogant way? Will a young person know that? I would just say he blew out the smoke...

Comment: You need to explain more about the shield in the chapter. I don't know what makes it special. Why not use a plastic boat or a stuffed eagle...why the shield?

Comment: You use the word "that" a lot...

Overall: I like the book, the premise is interesting and unique. I want to read on.

Ann

Mark,

I had a look at this. There is definitely a sense of mystery about this setup.

I felt that the writing was rather distant. In chapter 1, I thought it was the product of you portraying a particular time, with all these pompous characters. Even though it was distant, it was well-done. I wasn't sure if it would be the best way to start a book, since you want something gripping at the start, but I could definitely 'see' the scene, and thought it could perhaps be moved elsewhere.

Chapter 2, however, continued the rather wordy, and distant, writing, almost like you're writing a technical manual, and in this chapter I feel it's not in your favour as it is in chapter 1. I feel the subject matter of chapter 2 could perhaps make a better start, but the prose needs to be livened up. I'd aim to cut wordiness, and sentence length. You have a number of monstrously long paragraphs. Simply splitting them makes the text less daunting. I think you need to convey a sense of action, with shorter sentences and more dialogue.
It also takes quite a number of paragraphs before the character's name is mentioned. I can't see a reason for that, and would advocate mentioning his name in the very first sentence.

Mark, your thread about choosing a new title seems to gave died. Have you made a decision?

Charles

Thanks Richard - I actually started a re-write last night. Well I got out of bed and wrote three lines in a notebook but I will press on
All the best with the Editors Desk
Mark

Dear Mark, good to see the chapters are now sorted out. Gives me a much better picture.

The previous comments stand about length of paras etc. As the book moves on, you seem to get into the swing of things much more, which is great. This is a sort of public school Da Vinci Code (no disrespect intended; DVC was a great page turner).

Chapter 1 "here, here" should be "hear, hear"; many people make that error.

Would be good to be able to read it all. Make sure you do have the will power to edit it.

I'm awarding it a temporary bookshelf.

R

Thank you for this - very useful. Sorry for not responding I have got used to it going unwatched and unloved!
Best Mark

Mark,

Still blushing, you say? Do tell...which little naughty of mine made you blush?

And the mommies at the school gate are some of my biggest fans ;)

Alice

Thanks for that I haven't had a bite in weeks!

Mark,

I've watchlisted your novel and am looking forward to it. Thumb twiddling indeed.

Alice

Thanks Richard for taking the time - I'm still having a problem and in trying to correct it before I think I used a previous version of the text. Who knows? Anyway hopefully it is all there now although I need to talk to Rik about my problems with my two 1s

Dear Mark,

For some reason Chapters 1 and 2 are identical (Sebastian's night-time mission). Does this mean I'm missing some of the backstory?

As for what I've read, though I cannot now make a proper judgement because of the first two chapters, this needs a serious, ruthnless edit. The paragraphs and some of the sentences are too long (which means a reader could give up before he reaches the end fo either). Punctuation needs to be tightened, and there are typos which only a manual spell-check will find.

It's an intriguing premise. Please let me know when the chapter problems are sorted, so I can come back and make a final decision on bookshelving.

R

PS sorry, I meant writing SKILLS - that's what spending too long on this site does to you! Ali.

Hi Mark. another fun book here and very importantly you have writing schools. I think that, particularly as it's aimed at youngsters, you need to divide the long paragraphs and also introduce some dialogue - in fact the dialogue itself will force dialogue. it doesn't have to be live now it can be part of a narrative scene. huge blocks of unbroken text can look very frightening (especially for young people) and are all heavy on the eye. so don't take away yet. divide up, insert diaolgue (just the occasional word will do) then re-read it and take it from there. also, if you haven't done so, read it here on this site. it always throws up mistakes you never knew were there. great potential if you can tidy it up and free it up a bit. Ali.

Dear Mark,

Thanks for shelving BB. You're now on my watchlist.

R

Hi Cordia
When I set out to write my story I had a clear goal. That was to produce something that was actually of use to a child. The story is essentially an introduction to boarding school. My target audience - those children I had been teaching 12- 13. Now this area is pretty niche and when rejected by numerous agents and publishers I decided to produce the book myself - collective groan. The upside of this is that small children I don't know have come up to me and said they like it. Now I realise there it is - out there - warts (many of them ) and all. That said the sunday Times Culture had so many typos in it this weekend if the pros can't get it right then what chance do we amateurs have. Some helpful and constructive notes thank you.
All the best
Mark

Hi VC
Thanks for that - I think my little story has pretty much run its course. I've touted it around and the consensus of agents/publishers is that it is a little too niche. Which is sad but ho hum.
Best
MT

Hi
A guy called Howard McWilliam
www.mcbill.plus.com
All the best

Hi...hope you dont mind me asking. Who did your book cover? Mines great (lorri did it) but maybe something brighter? Ive found some cool things on internet but cant find a contact for the rights....

Jak
I find that Authonomy and this whole writing thing often leaves me feeling pretty bleak. Two real fillips today - so thanks a lot for that. Mr Gatherum (was my favourite master at school) and I rather liked the gather them in thing.
All the best

Hi , I came to this from your extremely funny post on the forum and thought that i'd probably like your book- which I do. This is such a splendidly evocative text that i read much more slowly than I usually do so that i didn't miss anything. I also got a real sense of insider writing ( I've read three chapters now and will certainly watchlist so i can enjoy some more.) It's clear that you are totally at ease in your creation. i think your extraordinary descriptive strength becomes a slight problem at times as the pace of narration can feel quite slow in the second chapter in particular. Is the name 'Gatherum' essential - if it isn't I'd drop it as it seems a bit Dickensian to me. Events seemed a little underwritten in places too. However there were flashes of total brilliance ''in the hope that fellow pupils and staff would read his beautifully crafted italic handwriting' - lovely bit of indirect characterisation. All the best with this. I'm watchlisting so i can come back and enjoy more. jak

Many thanks for that - it appears there all sorts of glaring errors - thousands of pounds of school fees wasted!

Mark, what a wonderful and gripping tale. I read the lot at one sitting. That must be testament to its page turning quality.

I do hope you will not take it amiss if I say that I think you need to do an edit before it gets to the top five. There are a few typos (practise as a verb should be spelt like that, not practice for instance) and, once or twice, you repeat words unnecessarily within the same paragraph. But these are minor points. I suspect that, like me, you write quickly and post without a thorough proof read.

Very best of luck with an excellent story.

Charles

The consensus is that Chapter two should become chapter one! Thanks for looking.

That's an intriuing opening but I wonder if its enough to pull in your target audience.
perhaps you need to think along the lines of opening with an action scene and drip feed the reasons behind it in at a later stage?
I only ever read a first chapter and come back later to read more. I think this is worth further perusal :)

Ju x

Gawd all sorts of howlers - thanks for that - Hear Hear from Hear ye - fancy that! Useful last line - although he is never actively discouraged - it is more suggestion that has put doubt in his mind. Jolly good many thanks
M

Thanks for taking a look at The Charter. Hope this will make you read on and I look forward to your thoughts about the setting as you know it well!

Ah Nova Scotian Belle....
That has a nice ring to it - autobiographical no - obviously one draws from personal experience to a degree - write about what you know don't they say. Thanks for your kind words
Yours
RMT

This is a book that my son will really enjoy. It's a great read with a good message as well. I like the two main characters but I agree with DJ that I they could have even more depth - perhaps we get to know them better in the sequel! I thought that the Tontine was brilliant (I had never heard of a Tontine before) and I am now thinking about a Tontine of my own as a result.
I didn't go to boarding school myself, but if I were to imagine it, it would be like this. Is this autobiographical?

Thanks DJ - I'm humming and haaring about my sequel and whether or not to waste my time - but thanks for the feedback.

I really enjoyed it, and I think young boys will as well. The concept is a good one, particularly with the Tontine [which will be a unique thing for kids to learn in any case]. I think the characters are interesting, although it would be nice to get even a bit more depth to them. However, that may be more than is required for the target age group. I certainly think you could bring out more in a sequel, with the two main junior sleuths getting another opportunity to crack a case and grow from the experience. I look forward to it!

I'll need to get Huggy Bear's wardrobe if I going to pimp it any more! But some good sense here thanks. Mark

Anna
Firstly thanks for taking the time. I'm starting to get the message about the opening chapter and the Sebastian introduction - all valid stuff. I must go an have a tinker. I like your Average Jo character - my main character is hopefully a bit of an 'everyman'. Best Mark

Hi Kimberley
Thanks for your comments all very valid - I'm going straight back to it now! I'm just off to look at your website.
All the best
Mark

Hi Kimberley
Thanks for your comments all very valid - I'm going straight back to it now! I'm just off to look at your website.
All the best
Mark