Guinevere: On the Eve of Legend

I've just finished the first three chapters. I have always been a fan of King Arthur stories and this concept is fresh and new. I've never read a book for young readers that is focused on the early stages of Guinevere's life in the castle. (I liked the Richard Geer version LOL) This is a fast-paced, action packed read - you never know what kind of trouble she is going to get herself into. It's more of a girl at the wrong place - wrong time...instead of adventurous. I can see young girls taken with her character, because she is very likeable and warm. She isn't the perfect princess - has faults, yet is geniune. Great character descriptions. The only thing that I can pinpoint is that I thought the best friend was a little young for her to be that close to. Did I read that correctly that he was seven? Other than that one standout for me - I truly enjoyed reading. Sincerely, April

Delightful reading - well done. Backed Balepy (Freckles the Fawn)

I think your target audience will love this, good luck. Backed. E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one

Your prologue felf a bit younger than the following chapters, but either way, you have a pretty good read going here.

Lockjaw

A great fairytale vibe in the prologue. Missing commas: G's father, King Leodegrance, ruled over a small part of southern England."

The prologue has a nice hook, offering the promise that things are going to change as G knows them.

xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

Well written and wonderfully done.
A pleasure to read and back

best

This looks like a magical and exciting book. I try to comment as I read, so I don't miss anything.
In your prologue - should it be 'surrounding THE castle'...

I like the opening - you really set the scene of the forest. I think 'growed heavier' would read better than 'growing heavier' though.
I don't know if this is a historical way to write Birth Day, but should it be lower case if not 'birthday'?

Your language is good and genuine to the time, yet easy to read with modern layouts. It flows nicely, in places only needing a tweak to get it PERFECT. But, don't get me wrong, this is very well written and it's clear you've enjoyed writing it.

Only other thing i think worth mentioning is that you talk about seeing badgers - but the are nocturnal animals and wouldn't be out during the day...?

I wish you the BEST of luck with this - nice cover too!
Aimee
His Pride, Her Prejudice

Hi Cheryl,

This is a neatly written story, giving the girls a chance to fall in love with the Arthurian legends! The modern language (the use of mum, for example) ensures this won't be an intimidating read. Guinevere is a character that modern girls would love to learn more about and quite right too: she's a fine role model!

Well done!
Victoria
'Daisy Dragonfly.'

GUINEVERE: ON THE EVEN OF LEGEND
Cheryl Carpinello

I am one of those who believes with all my heart in what you have written in your Afterword: "Some believe that the honor and justice exhibited by Arthur and his knights is what is needed to right the wrongs of the world." That belief is why I am backing your book and why I wrote A KING IN TIME. I hope you will read my story too. While I have played with the legend, making it more like what I wanted to read, I have deep respect for your version.

ON THE EVE OF LEGEND is true enchantment. I love your story of little Guinevere and her dear friend Cedwyn. This book is an absolute treasure. Your portrayal of Merlyn, (you even spell his name right) is just as I see him and it made me smile to read it.

I sincerely wish you success with this book. It's a joyful story and I am certain all children, young and old, will enjoy this.

Mary Enck
Author of A King in Time

I like this story. About time Guinevere got the attention she deserves. You've obviously done a lot of research on this time period and it shows. I think schoolagers will like this a lot. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

loved the pitch and the first chapter, a job well done
backed

alison

Cheryl, your prologue and first chapter read well. Nothing to nitpick there. I can see my little niece getting totally into your work.

Good job overall. Happy to back your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

A genuinely wonderful read for the younsters.

I love anything about Arthurian legend and the fact that you have unicorns in it is just great. (I have a unicorn in mine, but he's a different kettle of fish).

Best of luck with it.

Melxx

It's been a while since I was a young child, but I still remember enough to know that I love the colorful cast of characters you've created. As a boy, I would have liked a little more action, and perhaps the cover could be punched up. But I think you've got the makings of wonderful story. Congratulations.

Richard Bard
BRAINRUSH (2010 ABNA Quarter-Finalist)

Even though I'm an adult, I'm quite enjoying reading your book. I especially love Cedwyn, spot on for an annoying seven-year-old little brother. Nice work. :)

Meg

Very readable, perfectly suited to a children's audience. Guinevere's character develops with the book, and she becomes more rounded and more credible. Marvellous imagination.
Frank

I have always been fascinated by the Arthurian legends (hard not to be when I live in the midst of 'Arthur' country!). I love the idea of a middle grade book with Guinevere as MC and I think the opening scene with the boar works very well - it's exciting and grips the reader (those pesky tree roots!).
I felt the book s hould have started with this (losing the short prologue which, just to my mind, didn't really add anything).
A few small nits. English summer sun - don't need the English! Why caps for Birth Day? It seemed a bit clunky.
'bloody boar' - bit too contemporary. I like that you don't try to do archaic language but equally I'd avoid anything too modern.
Painted dragon - we don't know what this is until the following chapter so the mention of it confuses - I read back over the chapter twice to see where I'd missed it.

My only other query is one of POV. I am assuming that, as this tale progresses the focus will be very thoroughly on Guinevere and so, inevitably, your market is going to be young girls. There is quite a lot of emphasis on Cedwyn in the first four chapters (which is fine) but I felt sometimes as if you couldn't quite make up your mind which age group you were gunning for. 12 (nearly 13) year old girls DO befriend 7 year old boys but I just wonder if we might see more ambiguity in this relationship. Maybe this happens as the book goes on - Guin is caught on the cusp of adolescence and I think we need to see this a little more.
Overall I liked this hugely (and suspect I am doing my horrible habit when I find a book I like - thinking how I would do it!!! Ignore me!)
Backed with pleasure
Jane
WALKER

PS - I agree with the comment before about the cover!

A good idea for a book, strange thing is the cover does nothing for me and i asked my kids to see if they felt similar and they did so maybe something to look at there. The story line is well delivered and the MC well fleshed out and i hink the writing is very good but i do agree with one comment below that there may not be enough excitement for a children's read, as one figures anything Arthurian has to have a bit of swod chashing even if it is Guin's side of the story.
Good writing though and best of luck with it, backed
Chris( Inside out)

Just finished 8 and I'm still enjoying Guinevere's story. I think the "dragon" episode still needs some work. It needs to look a little less like Gandalf's similar trick. Many of your readers will be familiar with that. I think you can keep it, but you need to maybe increase the detail (show don't tell) and do something in those details to differentiate it from Tolkien.

The only other issue I have, and this could be a guy thing, is there's no sense of peril. The peril could be emotional, so maybe she needs to stress more about Arthur. You're at a little bit of a disadvantage because you can't easily depart from tradition without consequence, but at the same time, plot is driven by stress, disaster, and peril (which the reader also experiences), so this needs to cause her some serious stress. Maybe she just can't enjoy the birth day party because she's so preoccupied or something that fits your ideas of what you want the story to be. Maybe you could (and maybe you do but I haven't gotten there yet) plant the seeds for what will happen later with Lancelot if your story goes into that. You could show her doubting her own love for the king, or something along those lines that fits your vision of the story.

Of course, these suggestions are just my opinion and it's your story, and you need to follow your own muse. I realize that as an adult male I'm not the primary audience, so take my suggestions for whatever they're worth.

Bottom line is, I think you're on to something with Guin's story. I just want to be more stressed by her predicaments.

Just read #4. I have to say, this is really nice work. I'm enjoying it tremendously. I noticed a couple slight point-of-view slips (usually not good to show something your POV character can't see or think) and the description of the circlette in dialogue didn't quite ring true, as if it was obviously there to inform the reader. That's all little stuff. This really is an enjoyable work.

I'm enjoying this enough to start getting picky. I'm trying to figure out the time period, since Arthurian stories are set all over the place. Pellinore's armor would suggest the 15th Century or later. The only other thing I can find to critique is your use of "mayhap." Throughout these first couple chapters, you wisely avoid archaic language except for that one word. I looked it up to see when it was in use, and found that it originated in the 16th Century, around 1530, so it doesn't really belong here, unless you're setting the story that late. Again, these are fairly minor things, but they'll be noticed by older readers.

Those little things aside, I'm loving this story. Your writing is excellent and the characters are fun. I'm ready for something important to happen, though. The boar and rabbit scenes were exciting, but we're getting far enough in that I'm ready for an important plot twist and a sense that Guinevere's in some kind of important plot-related peril.

As a fan of the medieval Arthurian tales, I'm often dissatisfied with modern versions. There are some exceptions, though, and this is one of them. The writing itself had me from the beginning, and the opening scene with the boar was an exciting introduction to these two characters. People don't introduce their characters with action often enough, but you created a scene that shows their personalities through what they do, rather than telling us about them. I like that a lot, and look forward to reading more.

It doesn't take long to figure out that Guinevere: On the Eve of Legend is going to be one that my grandchildren will love. The writing is pitched at the right level for children, with straightforward language, simple concepts and a smooth flowing narrative with plenty of action. What more can I say? Backed.

Hi Cheryl, as this is a new take on a legendary tale, that as been told and retold down the ages, I really would be doing you a deservice if i didn't tell you that I am completely unqualified to give you any kind of contructive advice. For that you would need an expert. But I can tell you that your writing style is simple and straght-forward and your tone is upbeat and interesting. This should be a great read for a younger audience! Backed!

Cheryl,

This is a creative take on one of my all-time favorite tales. I like the interplay between characters and the obvious coming of age of Guinevere who, face it, could not have had an easy time of what happened to her. Sorry the comment is so late in coming; it was a work thing. Anyway, I enjoyed this and shelved it several days ago.

Cheryl.
Wow, this is fabulous writing. Heart pounding adventure for Guinevere and Cedwyn, and the reader. It reminded me of my childhood when I was taught to hunt with bow and arrow. Aaah, the thrill of the hunt and the unexpected terror of things gone wrong. I enjoyed your opening very much and it is so well written and edited. Only a couple of things I noted with my editor's eye. One clumsy adverb, where the heard pounds very carefully ?(I would delete very carefully. . most adverbs are better deleted). Also there are two point of view (POV) violations, during the hunt where the POV switches from Guinevere to Cedwyn.

Cedwyn studied her face
He could see the bore charging Guinevere

Since agents and publishers look for those , you might want to fix it. Always write each scene through just one set of eyes (one character sees, hears, feels, thinks and the others react) That way the reader can climb into one body and become part of the story.
This is a very fun read, good luck with it.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

This is a great coming-of-age tale. I just hope that Cedwyn does not turn out to be Lancelot. It is beautifully written, bringing new dimensions to a character that, for all that has been written about Camelot, we really do not know that much about. After all, the tale is usually told from either Lancelot's or Arthur's POV. Good to see it told from Guinevere's. An original idea, well executed. Shelved.

My 8 year old daughter would love this--anything with a princess--and it would be one story I wouldn't mind reading with her. The language seems just right for a younger audience and it's exciting to boot. I love anything having to do with the legends of Camelot. Nice work.

My 8 year old daughter would love this--anything with a princess--and it would be one story I wouldn't mind reading with her. The language seems just right for a younger audience and it's exciting to boot. I love anything having to do with the legends of Camelot. Nice work.

Hi Cheryl,
I love, love, love this. Anything Arthurian immediately hooks me, and this did not fail. What a delight! I'd be thrilled to see kids reading about Guinevere, and adults, too (that's the English teacher in me). I'd be thrilled just to read this, period. I would buy this in a bookstore and devour it, and then tell my students to go get it. On my shelf.

I like the story and voice. the book is well written and I enjoyed how easy it was to jump into Guinevere's and Cedwyn's story. An enjoyable read.
Giving it a spin on my shelf.

Love the legend Cheryl and you handle it very well! Can't really lose with this, it is well written and a fabulous story! It will go far!
Simon

This is delicious! Of course I would buy merely because it's Arthurian lit, but it's also nice to see a new take on it geared for younger readers. Have you read Gerald Morris' series? This is one that will stay on my shelf for quite some time.

You don't realy need the prologue, I'd just dive in with the Guin and Cedwyn.

When I first started reading I hadn't taken the time to notice your genre. Now that I see that it is for children I can say, this is a great read for your audience. The structure is well thought out, you write with an easiness that children will grasp and not get lost in.
Your premise will be met with eager hands if this were on a bookstore's shelf.
Backed-TL.Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

I read the first two chapters and I think you got your audience down. This intriqgued with this alternate take on this famous tale.

You just want to be conscious of keeping the paragraph length down as not to bog down the pacing which is crucial in this genre.

I think the short pitch is brilliant. Can the longer pitch be broken up so it matches?

SHELVED! Think you got a winner here. I do look forward to your comments on my book if you have not done so already. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

Hi Cheryl.

This is quite delightful - nice to have a different view of Guinevere instead of the one we're all used to. The story of Arthur as a child has been done before but not, to my knowledge, Guinevere.

I like the way you've made her a normal 12 year old, not some privileged, spoiled brat. It does sound a bit incongruous to have a young princess running around the forest after rabbits, but after all, why not?
And her relationship with Cedwyn allows us to see her as a person, a normal child doing normal, childish things.

The scene with the boar was well done, I could almost hear it crashing through the woods.
I'm sure children will love this story, especially if you reveal more of Guinevere's personality as it continues.

I did make a few notes as I read;
Prologue: roam the plains surrounding castle...surrounding *the* castle.
ch 1: She stamped...displeasure clearly showing...Cut 'displeasure', etc, as it is obvious.
Cedwyn's mum...the word 'mum' sounds far to modern here.
five bloody hens...would a 7 year old use 'bloody'?
half the size of Guinevere...of *Guinevere's*.
the pounding of its hooves...boar don't have hooves.
saw a rock hit the boar's side with the arrow...hit the boar's wounded side.

Nits aside I thought this was lovely and am happy to shelve.
Cas.
KING'S ENVOY

Hi Cheryl

The young Guinevere, what a charming story idea. The writing style is smooth and good to read. Children will love it. The teasing of Cedwyn is nice, and the strenghtening of their friendship through adversity an excellent touch.

Just a tiny nit I noticed: I would cut 'Guinevere informed him' chap 1. That goes without saying, and you have used this way of communicating later in the work. Also, just a little way down for that, use Guinevere's name before 'turned to him.'

These are of no great import, but tiny betterments. My, I feel I'm immersed in the time! Betterments! Where did that come from? Very happy to back. Nicky (The Changeling Tree.)

Guinevere on the Eve of Legend

Hi Cheryl,

This is an engaging and fun read, definitely a children's book I would think rather than YA. 7- 10 years old maybe? You have a great easy style that will draw in the read, I would imagine that there are also illustrations with the published book, the text seems to lend itself to them strongly. My only nit pick and I realise this is probably simply too nit picky as I am reading a published book is the way you attribute around dialogue. There's lots of additional description explaining people's actions. I know that we probably need that more in a children's book to help create the pictures in our heads, but I found some bits intrusive and stopped the flow of the writing for me. For example the foot stamping moment early on, it is clear from the context and your clear writing that she is frustrated and not pleased, do we need that signposted in the description of it. I will try this out on my eight year old. Best wishes and good luck with it.

Andrew W.
(Sanctuary's Loss)

This could ALMOST pass as an American girl type of book! My daughter would love it!
Shelved!

Hi Cheryl,
I think you have the makings of a truley great children's book here. I love stories that put a different twist on an ancient legend, and you have done that expertly here with an original premise. I cannot find fault with the writting at all, your style suits the story perfectly. I am happy to place this on my shelf.
Best of luck,
James (The Lycetta Legacy).

This has the makings of an excellent children's book, I should know I could follow it! I love your writing, I love the cover and your pitch, that period is a favourite of mine. It's interesting to have a book about Guinevere as a child and see what she gets up to. Wonderfully written with captivating descriptions. Shelved with pleasure.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

Thanks for the read and shelf. Hope to be able to do the same for you.

Cheryl

Hiya! Backed this a few days ago but have returned to leave my comment!
Firstly, i love the premise of the book. I'm a huge fan of books based, however loosely, on eras like this.
I think this also has the great makings of a children's book. I've really enjoyed what i've read, and i think kids will relate to and want to join in with Gwinevere's adventures. I found the part where she was explaining the luck and eve of birthdays funny!
Best of luck x

This has the makings of an excellent children's book, I should know I could follow it! I love your writing, I love the cover and your pitch, that period is a favourite of mine. It's interesting to have a book about Guinevere as a child and see what she gets up to. Wonderfully written with captivating descriptions. Shelved with pleasure.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

Cheryl,
Always have been a big fan of King Arthur and I think this is a nice twist - prequel if you will. Very easy, tight writing with a even flow and great description of the action. Their friendship is very evident from the beginning. Your target audience will be happy. Happy to back. CW (To Save the Sun)

Cheryl

This is beautifully written.

I atttended a Writers Conference earlier this year.....The guest speaker was Michael Morpurgo, the celebrated childrens aurthor....He told us that he had received a letter from a young boy complaining that most books were about girls and for girls.....Mr Morpurgo, had to admit that this was often the case....This prompted him to write Kensuke's Kingdom. A more boy specific novel.

There is a writer on the sight, Annabelle Page. Her book, Adelaide Short and the Extraordinary Journey received a Harper Collins review....I remember one point raised was how important the childrens market is to Harper Collins but they were looking to support more boy/girl or boy specific novels..... This is easy to do, just by giving Cedwyn a bigger part......

I know nothing about this genre, maybe you could drop a message to Annabelle, she made her review public but probably withdrew it when she was working on the re-write....

All the best of luck with this.....Fabulous.

OMG, I love it, cant wait to finish, I'll post as I read.
KC
The Mysterious Legend of Vleadimir

Hi Cheryl,

This is a great read. I’m a big fan of Arthur stories and I really like that you’ve taken it from Guinevere’s perspective. Great characterisation and dialogue. This is bound to go far. It’s fascinating and very well written. A few typos here and there but a good edit will fix that. Your target audience would love this.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Enjoyable & fresh look at Guinevere's side of the story. Typo in the prologue: 'plains surrounding castle' - missing 'the'? I found your prologue a bit too prosaic. ..looking for unicorns, finding rabbits... endless opportunities to weave in hunting tapestry splendour, if indeed you need the prologue at all. Love the action. One thing, in Ch 3, 'She left the ground' - what, levitated? was drawn into the air by magic? got caught in the slipstream? I'd like more details.
Very happy to back this.

Hi Cheryl!

I always say that children's books are my favorite to read here - yours just added to my opinion of that! This is very nicely done. Your characters are compelling and the story is very nicely doled out. Great job - children will LOVE this (and their parents too!) Backed.

Kim
Invisible Justice

Cheryl, your book Guinevere is simply charming. The character of Guinevere is very nicely drawn.
I have shelved your book.
Others have mentioned it, but here it is again: your apostrophe is usually coming out as Ó or Õ. Must be something in the software or computer. Those are both special characters, like the ü in my book's title, which on my computer can only be accessed through the "character map" (windows Vista)
Best of luck with your book, and if you have a chance, read Brünnhilde. Jedward