Book Jacket

 

rank 5852
word count 84233
date submitted 17.09.2009
date updated 28.02.2012
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Fantasy, Young A...
classification: universal
complete

The Quest For Light

Bradford A. Combs

This young adult fantasy novel introduces a multitude of fantastic worlds and characters while dealing with broken homes and the pains of status segragation.

 

Elliott Schultz, a loner by nature, has never been there for his twice-divorced mother and hurting younger brother. However, a dream the night before the first day of school is the beginning of an adventure that will show him the true value of family.

Alongside his semi-popular best friend, the high school bully, and the most beautiful girl in school, Elliott travels from one vastly different world to the next facing a multitude of dangers and personalities. Underwater kingdoms, landless skies, and even Earth itself aren't safe from the darkness that threatens to claim them. The quest will conclude with the salvation of the Lady of Light, the one person who offers this corrupted web of worlds its true redemption. However, a great evil pursues Elliott and his company, the very evil that darkened the web in the first place.

I've never really known the feeling of having actually lost a parent. Then in 2006, my mother and stepfather of twenty years separated, and though it saddened me, the real pain was felt by my three younger siblings. Seeing their various reactions I was inspired to craft this novel with real life issues facing many of today's youth.

 
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abstract, atlantis, broken home, bully, coming of age, creatures, divorce, evil, fantasy, for, good, hero, high school, king, kingdom, light, loner, m...

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    “What is going on with this graveyard?” Chance whispers.

    The four of them stop dead. A sound of racing footsteps carry over the hill as the man and woman with swords and shields appear once more. They spy the four young people and skid to a halt, staring at them curiously.

    “I told you I heard something,” the man says.

    “Children? I thought the hunt was for a grown man?”

    “Obviously part of the rebellion hoping to rescue him. Kill them.”

    Danny curses as the four begin to flee for their lives. Elliott's heart is pounding as curses continue to escape Danny's lips.

    “How'd they hear us? They were too far away,” Chance asks as they run.

    He receives no answer. They run as fast as their legs will carry them, but each time Elliott looks over his shoulder the man and woman who pursue them are nearer and nearer. He feels that his side will explode and he's pushing his legs so hard that they are beginning to wobble. Then a sudden cry rings out from behind him, but he doesn't stop. It isn't until he hears Chance calling out for him that he realizes that the other three have stopped running, and he can see why. A third figure has entered the fray. The tall, armored female collides swords with a new stranger dressed in green and tan, hidden within a dark brown cloak. The tall, armored man lies on the ground only a few yard from the combatants, dead or unconscious. Chance leads Danny and Riley up another small hill toward a small gathering of trees and so Elliott follows them. As he vanishes into the brush, he spies the armored woman falling with the cloaked person's sword in her ribs.

    He holds his breath as the hooded figure rushes toward them. Then a noise shifts in the distance and the person quickly turns to confront it. Someone is rushing toward them from the fog that hangs on the graveyard to the south. The hooded figure holds out their blade but quickly lowers it. They then rush toward the man who comes into view and embraces him, their sobs becoming clear. The cloak's hood is thrown back and a woman's face is revealed, her brunette hair long and tangled, her features attractive. She kisses the man as tears run down her face, but he quickly pushes her away.

    “You shouldn't be here, Kayla. If they find you...”

    “Then they find me. I will not let them kill you, Richard. I love you.”

    “Stop it, now. Think of the rebellion. Your place in the royal family is what keeps them alive. You mean more to me than life itself, but you are needed here still.”

    “Then let me help you escape.”

    “They're already after me. You must go.”

    “Richard, I can't. Please!”

    “Go!” the man says sternly, yet silently.

    He pushes her toward the trees and reluctantly she enters them. She stands in the tree's shadows, a silent grieving statue, but then she kneels and stares at the man whom she loves. Elliott watches her from a distance and he can see the glare of tears reflected by the moon's light. She will not run. She will stay for her lover as he is slain. Hoof prints draw Elliott's attention again as two horses burst from the fog that Richard had just come through. Richard does not run, nor speak. He simply stares into the woods and Elliott imagines him staring into his lover's eyes, wordlessly telling her that he loves her. The two horses come into view and Elliott can tell by first glance that these are despicable people. The first horse bares a man in a long black cloak with gold and silver designs shining throughout it's front. A tall collar wraps around his neck with that same emblem on it that the headstones and the shields bore. His long silver hair is offset by his clean shaven face and his cruel smile. His eyes are dark. The second man rides behind the first with a dark brown shirt and tan pants. His black boots sit high on his shins and a black cape flaps freely behind him. He is young, though not a trace of hair can be found on his head, and even in this dull light his eyes shine a brilliant blue.

    “Well, well,” the robed man says. His voice is cold and flat. “Richard Harper. And what should we place on your headstone? How should people remember your life?”

    “I think, Victor,” says the caped man, “that we should first hear his pleads for mercy before we mark his headstone.”

    “So be it, My Lord.”

    Elliott wishes more than anything that he could look away, but he finds himself unable. He can't help but to watch what happens. He knows that he will regret it, but his curiosity has claimed him and it appears that the same can be said for Chance and Danny as well. Riley, however, keeps her face hidden in her hands.

    Richard then takes a breath and shakes his head.

    “You'll hear no pleads from me, Jared. Our cause is just, and I will never give you the pleasure.”

    The caped man rides forward a few steps and bares down on Richard with a stern, angry glare.

    “You will refer to me by my proper title, fowl, and yes, you will plead for mercy this night.”

    “My apologies, Prince,” the title is saturated with sarcasm, “ but I am prepared to die. There is no need for me to plead with you.”

    “And if I prolong your death? If I find joy in torturing you?”

    “I have been tortured since the day your grandfather took the throne, and Aarom after him. Why should I expect any less from you?”

    Prince Jared sighs as he sits up on his horse and looks to the cloaked man.

    “It seems, Victor, that the fowl has no fight left in him. How I do hate it when they give up. It's always so much more fun when they fight. I like watching their spirits crush.”

    “The sun will be found,” Richard blurts out, but it is met with laughter.

    “The desired final words of a martyr?” Prince Jared says with a laugh. “You'd think that after all these other martyrs were buried and desecrated the desire to be one would have faltered by now. Victor, show him a bit of what he desires.”

    The robed man known as Victor then holds up his right hand and touches his thumb to his forefinger. Elliott watches from his place as a sudden piercing light shines from the man's hand, as if the circle that his fingers now make creates a window through the dark sky, allowing the sun to peak through. The illuminated beam that pours forth is nearly blinding in this dark landscape and Elliott quickly notices that Richard's eyes are drawn toward it. A cruel smile then crosses Victor's face as the light rapidly intensifies and Richard falls back, holding his eyes. He removes his hand but his eyes do not regain focus.

    Prince Jared laughs heartily as Richard falls to the ground, cradling his face.

    ”It warms my heart to know that the sun you so desperately desired to find has cursed you unto blindness. You longed for it, but have you considered the possibility that, perhaps, it has never wanted anything to do with you?”

    The Prince then pulls a knife from a place in his belt and throws it with accuracy into Richard's chest. The man falls back, but he does not scream. He rolls over and glares aimlessly into the trees where Kayla had run, his body becoming still. A firm resolution remains in the fearful face of the blind man, and only when a long slow breath leaves him does Elliott realize his death. He tries to find Kayla again, to see her reaction, but the woman is gone. Vanished without sound. Elliott's stomach drops. He looks at Richard once more and cannot help but to cry. He hears about death every day on the news and radio, but never has he seen someone die in person, let alone being murdered. A state of shock overcomes him and he doesn't know how to react. He simply allows the tears to fall, careful to keep all sobs silent. It isn't until he hears Danny yell that he regains his sense of self. He quickly turns and finds a large hand coming at him. He kicks it and tries to crawl away but the person grabs him anyhow. He fights but it's no use and he is pulled from the trees and dragged out into the open. He is thrown to the ground before two sets of hooves and his heart stops.

    “Well, well,” he hears the cloaked Victor say. “And who are these children?”

    He looks around and finds armed men throwing Chance, Danny, and Riley to the ground as well, holding them at bay with swords. He quickly realizes that a sword's tip rests against the back of his own neck.

    “It's possible that they are simply lost. On a nightly stroll from the nearest town, but I somehow doubt it.” Prince Jared smiles as he looks them over. “I'm sure Father would like to speak with them. But tell me, Victor. Which guard is assigned to the graveyard tonight?”

    “The two small ones, My Lord.”

    Elliott can see disgust on Prince Jared's face as he shakes his head.

    “I do not know why he keeps them. They are such useless fools. Very well, perhaps luck will find us and they will no longer be an issue. Gather them and bring them before my father as well. What good are guards who fail to fulfill their duties? I certainly would like to see Father put them to death.”

    The Prince then turns and departs as the other guards lift the four to their feet. The armored hand on Elliott's arm grips firmly, bruising him, but the fear that engulfs him hides away all notion of physical pain. He is in a state of shock and simply does as he is told.

    The guards lead the four through the graveyard to a gray stoned trail that leads them to the castle. Elliott can barely walk on his wobbly legs but he knows that the guards would hurt him if he faltered, and so he forces himself to continue. His body shakes, his mouth is dry, his stomach turns. He wishes more than anything that he could free himself. That the hooded woman would come to rescue them again. But none of this happens. They soon reach the castle gates, which draw inward allowing them entrance.

    “Send word to my father,” Prince Jared says with a smirk. “We have visitors.”

    He continues to lead them through the long hallways of the dank castle covered in black and gold draperies. Not at all the spectacular image that most artwork or books portray them to be. This castle is pure stone and pavement. Uncomfortable to walk in or look upon. A cool breeze freezes them, as their skin has become accustomed to the late summer warmth, and the winds rattle the windows, creating an eerie haunting jangle. There is nothing cozy about this place.

    The young ones are led to a large wooden door that appears half rotted, and here they stop. Prince Jared turns to face his captives, and then to the cloaked man beside him.

    “I think it best to better secure them while before the King. Last thing we need is for one of them to try something odd. My father may blame me.”

    Victor nods and then walks toward Elliott. He stares him in the eye and Elliott cannot help but to look away. Victor nods, and then kneels. Elliott looks down, curious what he is about to do, and is confused to find Victor waving his hand rhythmically about his feet. A slight tingling begins in his toes and he has the sudden urgency to run away, but he hasn't the chance. Victor then touches the fingers of his two hands together and slowly starts separating them in a vertical motion, keeping his fingers stiff and steady. As he does this, Elliott begins to rise from the floor. He cannot help but to cry out, and Riley does the same. Danny and Chance gasp at the impossible and terrifying sight. Elliott struggles for balance, but quickly finds it unnecessary as his whole body becomes stiff, as if a corpse.

    Elliott tries to look at the others, but finds every muscle paralyzed. Victor then moves to the others and before long the four of them are all hovering several feet above the ground, stiff as stones. When finished, Prince Jared dismisses the guards and he and Victor open the door, leading them into a great, yet dim, throne room.

    No cloths drape the walls or ceilings. There are no loyal advisers giving advice or court jesters dancing about. The long, large room is bare of all save two thrones at the front of the room and a small wooden table before them. Upon the thrones sit a man and a woman, both old and wrinkled, the king beyond his years, and Elliott shivers as their eyes come into view, for cruelty floods through them in waves. King Aarom and his queen, Madra.

    “Greetings, Father,” Prince Jared says with a slight lowering of the head. Victor bows deeply.

    “And what mice have you brought me this time, Jared?” The man asks, his voice deep and rattling. It is quite a contrast to his frail and weakened body. His hair hangs in strands and a scratchy beard lines his face.

    “I was hunting a game when I came across them. I wonder if perhaps the rebellion sent them to free him.”

    “Mere children?” The king asks, squinting to see them, his eyes obviously waring old. “If the rebellion sends children against me now, then surely they must be thin indeed. Speak your names children.”

    Elliott hesitates and it seems that the others do the same. Victor looks up to them and a sudden wave of heat floods over their bodies and faint cries of pain begin to fill the room.

    “Danny!”

    “Riley!”

    Elliott hears their cries, and so he decides to follow.

    “Elliott Schultz!” he cries and almost immediately the heat dims.

    A moment later Chance says his name and Victor smiles at their displeasure.

    “I believe there was a Daniel Bonham who was once a guard here. Any relation, young Danny? Father perhaps?”

    Elliott imagines Danny trying to shake his head, being unable.

    “No,” he finally says.

    “Lucky for you. He was a traitor and Victor here slew him. I believe I inscribed on his tombstone that all his family would die by my hands for every generation until they were extinct. I believe I had his chest exposed from his grave so that my guards could stomp his ribs and vermin may eat out his heart.”

    A small smile creases the king's dry mouth as the memory runs before his eyes. It quickly fades. The woman beside him, his queen, remains still, eying them intently.

    “Who are you?” he asks finally. “Why were you in the martyr graveyard?”

    Elliott's mind frantically searches for an answer, but sadly, one does not come. He tries to remember why they were in the graveyard, why Mack and Artie sent them there, but he could find no answer. If there was a reason they had to pass through this horrid place, he wasn't aware of it.

    “We were just passing by,” Chance says finally.

    “Were you?” the king asks almost sarcastically.

    He is about to speak once more when the woman beside him stands. He silences himself and with a motion, allows Queen Madra to speak.

    “And from where had you come, and to where were you going?” she ask.

    The woman is old, same as the king, but her face still appears fairly young and much less wrinkled. Her white hair still has streaks of brown and her eyes shine green.

    Elliott doesn't know what to say, and apparently Chance doesn't either.

    “Earth,” Danny finally says as the woman's eyes meet his.

    “There is no such kingdom,” the king says bitterly. “Perhaps a place named by the rebellion?”

    “Children with secrets I see,” the queen says. She then turns to the king and bows.

    “I met with Madam Porefray, only days ago. She brought the stars with her and had me read them. I perceived odd children, clothed in a fashion unfamiliar to our kingdom. She had then warned me of these children and the dangers they present if they were to pass through our kingdom. I asked if she would like us to kill them upon capture but she would not condone it. She wished to meet them herself. Surely, these are those children.”

    Elliott spies a sudden worried expression on Chance's face and wonders if it is due to their circumstances or something more. The king sighs and closes his eyes. He then leans forward with some effort, appearing almost ill. A frustrated expression crosses his face as he eyes the children, then his son and Victor.

    “I ask you, Son, who is king of this kingdom?”

    “You are, my Lord.”

    “Then why is it that your whore of a mother continues to regard the words of an old soothsayer above mine?”

    The queen returns to her seat and leans close to the king. She begins to whisper into his ear but her voice still manages to carry and Elliott hears every word. He isn't certain if this is intentional or not.

    “If not for Madam Porefray your father would not have come to power, and thus, the throne would never have passed to you. She reads the stars and the bones in ways that provide us with power and knowledge. You are the king of Birkenshaw, and I honor you as my king, sire, but her words have kept us this far. When she speaks, I merely listen.”

    “You listen,” the king says sternly, “because you are her disciple. I feel that she desires to dethrone me and I forbid you to speak with her when I am not present.”

    “Then you accept the consequences of denying her? Did your father not deny her, and was he not slain for it?”

    Elliott notes the anger in King Aarom's face, but fear remains hidden behind his stone features and he holds his tongue. He then turns to face the others, and slowly stands.

    “I accept no counsel from a woman, and I will not head her words. However, I do not wish to be burdened by children this night. Take them to the dungeon and I will ponder their fate.” He then turns to his queen, who appears only amused. “But if the soothsayer arrives prior to my decision, I see no harm in allowing her to visit the prisoners. Though I will only allow it under my direct supervision.”

    “Would you rather I supervise their meeting, Father?”

    “No, I wouldn't. I trust you even less than I trust her.”

    Prince Jared smiles savoringly, obviously enjoying his father's disgust, and bows low. He then turns to depart, his black cape billowing behind him. Victor gives a more believable bow and turns to go as well. Elliott and the others turn in the air and follow after the wizard, or whatever he is, until they exit the room and the door shuts behind them. Only when they are clear of the room does Prince Jared laugh heartily, tightening his grip on the hilt of his blade.

    “Paranoid old fool.”

 

Chapters

10

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River Stone wrote 981 days ago

Hello
Care to swap reads and backs?

Regards,
River

The Secret Snow

Bill Carrigan wrote 1053 days ago

Hello Bradford,

Your title and pitch were persuasive and I started to read. The first chapter sets a dark, fantastic mood with many cryptic references--to the Child, the Lady, the others; but Mack's idea for attracting the kids to his project lends an incongruous, humorous touch. We're left not knowing what it's all about--what sort of book this is--but curiosity drives us to find out. I confess that I skipped around from then on, mainly to see whether the style and quality were consistent. Finding they were, I decided to back the novel and read it later. Your writing is flawless, and the dialect, though perhaps overdone, is clear and faithful. This work could be a masterpiece.

I invite you--no, urge you--to take a look at "The Doctor of Summitville," a realistic psychosocial love story. While the genre differs from yours, the attempt at serious writing does not. Your reaction would be much appreciated.

Best of luck, Bill

Marcus Fisch wrote 1056 days ago

Backed with pleasure
Abel Kane
The Alchemists' Cookbook
Chances

Marcus Fisch wrote 1081 days ago

Love this. Love the originality and excellent writing
Backed with pleasure
Abel Kane
The Alchemists' Cookbook

yasmin esack wrote 1089 days ago

Great read. Fascinating and original.

A pleasure tp read

RichardBard wrote 1113 days ago

I found myself drawn into this quite unusual story. Your use of the present tense heightened the immediacy of the action. The well-crafted slang made the dialogue feel authentic. Ultimately, though, it was the colorful and endearing characters that made this a compelling read. Well done. Backed.

Richard Bard
BRAINRUSH (2010 ABNA Semi-Finalist)

Burgio wrote 1117 days ago

This is well written story. The alternative world will capture the “Harry Potter” crowd. In addition, you have a good main character in Elliott; he’s both likable and sensitive; the kind of character young adults will want to follow to see if some happiness can come into his life. A feature of this is the overall tone of sadness you’ve woven into this; that’s a mark of good writing. Makes this a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

lnagode wrote 1210 days ago

Hello! My name is Lindsay and I am seeking some feedback for my book, Parker and the Parallelium. I'm hoping to find some good advice for my next round of edits. Anything you could offer would be greatly appreciated! I'd be happy to swap reads if you are interested- just let me know. Thanks for your time!

Lindsay Nagode
Parker and the Parallelium: Into the Beyond

Jupiter Echoes wrote 1248 days ago

you use present tense effectively in the opening. Your descriptive powers are good, and dialogue authentic. Tightly written, and good good characterisation makes this a good read.

BACKED

paxie wrote 1250 days ago

Bradford

Fantasy isn't really my take, so I try to avoid comenting on premise or plot, incase I make an eejit of myself....

The thriller tag is a difficult claim to stake.....You're under pressure to maintain the pace, even when dropping in background....I find replacing 'and' with a comma, is sometimes faster on the eye.

eg.
The man takes a breath, (and) steps from the dusty asphalt between two oaks and enters the mangled unkempt forest...........

Something catches the man's eys, (and) he quickly tries to trace it..........

My view only.......It's fine as it is, but it could be sharper if you got rid of a few of your 'ands'

A brilliant read, which I'm sure your catchement audience will lap up....

Shelved with pleasure.

zenup wrote 1252 days ago

There's something about this story that I found immensely appealing, I'd even say magical (a word I use rarely, in criticism). Not the story so much as the style reminds me strongly of Ray Bradbury - believe me, that's a compliment. Backed. I wish you all success with your writing.

T.L Tyson wrote 1254 days ago

I love the cover of your book, it is what snagged my attention.
Once I read the pitch I knew that I was in for a treat. Your writing is rich and flowing, though also woven with some unnecessary description.
Like for example the second chapter starts on about august....not the head but he final days.
It would increase the pace and make the novel more engaging if you simply said, The final days of AUgust always had the children down with the return to school looming in the distance.
For the YA audience, less is often more, only tell them what they need to know.
You are riddled with imagination, it glows in this MS.
Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

andyroo wrote 1277 days ago

Before I say anything further, I would like to inform you that fantasy is my least favourite genre. This hasn't been decided upon by your work, I merely stumbled upon my own realisation before I read this a few moments ago. As such, I can reliably inform you that, although fantasy makes me as enthusiastic as a chicken in KFC, this is very well written. You maintain pace well, you use descriptive prose at just the right level, and you generate a world that is wholesome and believable. A good achievement.

Andrew

Ilyria_Moon wrote 1278 days ago

You have a talent for descriptive narrative (something I struggle with!) and the dialogue-description balance is spot on. I've read two chapters so far, and shall read more, before offering further comment. I had a late gig last night, so I'm still a bit muggy-headed. One note on the pitch, the last paragraph could perhaps go in your profile instead. Backed with pleasure.

Laurie Gonda wrote 1278 days ago

I think you have a good concept here and writing that is polished and moves the story forward nicely.

Jane Alexander wrote 1281 days ago

There's something very beguiling about this and any mention of the 'web' (when it's not about the internet) always tugs me in. I feel there is lovely lovely writing here that is - at the moment - just a little buried under excess words. I would love to see you keep this more simple - there are some convoluted sentence structures and wordiness that stops the read being quite as intimate and immediate as it could be.
A few small nits. curious (as to) which.
Unsure of what they will be blamed (for) next.
I'd lose 'various' and cut out 'to see what it had been' - just a few examples.

I don't think it would take that much editing, to be honest.... and hey, don't take my word for it (I'm not editor, I just say what strikes me as I read)...
I do love what's going on here and just have a strong gut feeling this could be a cracker.
I'm backing for serious promise.
Jane
WALKER

C.P. wrote 1303 days ago


This book contains so much imagination. It is exciting and well paced and you defiantly can write. There are a few things you may consider. Let the back story come in more naturally. I felt at times you were giving the reader information instead of letting unfold in the story. I think you could also cut a few words. No big deal just here and there. For example-

‘Lines of dust and dirt slither down a lightly traveled road that stretches from just of Quincy to the neighboring town of LeSorks.' I think you can get rid of Quincy in this sentence because we already know the name of the town. ‘Lines of dust and dirt slither down a lightly traveled road that stretches south to the neighboring town of LeSords.' Just a little tighter.

‘The trees then open to a small clearing and the view he finds is one that would frighten most simple minded men of Quincy.' What about the men of LeSords? Would then not also be frightened? Is so remove ‘of Quincy.'

‘And what do you make of the vision? On the young people and the Lady?' What young people? I thought there was only a girl. A little bit of a jump here.

These aren't big things. and there are so many wonderful things about your writing. It is well worth the bit of polishing it needs. It will be quite the story when you are done. On my shelf. C.P

soutexmex wrote 1316 days ago

BACKING because Simon Swift did and I trust his instincts. Those pitches look perfect as well. Think you can make it to the Ed's desk.

Do look forward to your comments on my book when you get a chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

beegirl wrote 1318 days ago

You have a great premise here.There are two things I think that would help your story. 1, Action sooner 2. Less telling is and more story/action/dialogue that shows us. An example we are told rather shown Elliot's best friend.
but this is very good and well worth the telling.
backed already.
Barbara
The Sea Pillow

Melimoops wrote 1318 days ago

Your pitch intrigued me and your writing delivers. What a great novel! I found the descriptions wonderfully vivid and the dialogue authentic and purposeful. I’m surprised by the comment below that they weren’t sure how your prologue and first chapter were connected – I think you actually did that very well through Elliott’s dream that he writes down in his journal. On my shelf.

Melissa

Andrew W. wrote 1319 days ago


The Quest for Light

Hi Bradford,

A great premise for a YA fantasy novel and your prose delivers the goods. I am ambivalent on the whole prologue or not prologue debate but my sense in relation to your story is that we don’t need it. The description was a little disorientating and I felt that the beginning of chapter 1 was a really good place to start. You write very well, with a strong narrative voice and a floating narrator who kicks us off. The way chapter 1 starts reminded me of a Peter Straub novel, the fluid descriptions leading us into the key characters predicament. The fluidity of chapter one I felt was not matched by what you were doing in the prologue there seemed to be a surfeit of descriptive words there that didn’t help the flow. Hope at least some of that was useful, but you have a good, strong talent there and a good strong story, I had you get the recognition you deserve. If you have time to take a peak at my book that would be great.

Best wishes and good luck
Andrew W.
(Sanctuary’s Loss)

KJKron wrote 1319 days ago

Your prologue leaves me curious and chapter one gives us a different POV entirely. Not sure how they connect. With a mom whose upset, the boys seem to have to become more independant / responsible. You've made me interested enough to want to read more and the writing is good.

Urania wrote 1320 days ago

Hi Bradford, this has a great premise, good writing and intriguing plot. You have an interesting POV in the present rtense style, but I do find the dialogue rather forced - the strange clipped words for the accent - this makes for hard reading. With some polishing and clearing up of those adjectives too, you'll have a great book for the fantasy/YA market. Worth a spin on the shelf.

J&M JENSEN wrote 1320 days ago

This is evocatively written and touched with a gentle humour as well. I enjoyed your dialogue and Mack's accent and the various personalities. Good pitch, good start and Elliot, Artie and Mack have all peaked my interest sufficiently for me to want to know more!

M&J
'GRAEMOR'

Simon Swift wrote 1321 days ago

Very enjoyable Bradford! You drew me in with your very strong opening chapter! I am happy to give this a spin on the shelf! Good work
Simon

bacombs81 wrote 1322 days ago

The Quest for Light is an intriguing tale. You set the scene well at the start, with the Lady of the woods, dancing trees and the magical Child promising plenty of interest to come. This will appeal to YA fantasy fans, and so I'm backing it.
The book would be even better IMHO with a bit of polishing. Get rid of most of your adjectives [you use lots!] by replacing them with actions where you can and letting the reader's imagination work where you can't. Your style is distant third person ['Elliot says']; I think you'd multiply your dramatic impact enormously and engage the reader more powerfully if you adopted your main character's POV. Do you have to write dialogue to mimic an accent - one of my pet hates? OK, that last one is just a matter of personal taste, but does it really add enough to the story to justify all the effort when with a few hints the reader's imagination can do the same job? Points to ponder for the next round of editing. All the best.



Mack's the only character that I write like that because I just felt it fit the character, and he's not a focus of the entire book so no worries if it bothers you. You just need to make it through the first few chapters and you'll be fine. And thank you for the critiques. I'll be sure to keep them in mind as I go in for further edits down the road. As for Elliott's point of view and the way I write... being self-taught, it's the only way I feel comfortable writing at the moment. It's how I taught myself, and while I've recently started playing with other tenses, it'd be difficult to shift the entire book at this time. Maybe once I get a good handle on the style you prefer I can play with the switch (if at that time I feel it woudl work for the story).

Bradford

bacombs81 wrote 1322 days ago

The Quest For Light
Bradford A. Combs

Bradford,
The last paragraph of your pitch made me want to read this - the personal details concerning the breakup of your mother and stepfather and the ensuing pain of your siblings. I thought here was a story with a bit of real substance to it, that this would be a convincing novel about family, among other things, including of course those elements common to the genre, and I wasn't disappointed. Your Prologue, that extraordinary night in the quiet town of Quincy introducing Artie and Mack and the spotting of "Th' Child" had an impact as naturally I became interested in wanting to know who this mysterious person was. The next chapter introduced Elliot Schultz and we understand his reaction to that first day of school prospect which we have all suffered/and young people will always suffer from.... poor Elliot! But as he awakens and scrambles to find pen and notebook to record his dream, I felt more than a mere compassionate feeling for him - full identification because I have often done that myself, and in fact my first novel here starts off with a dream. Then later, we come to know that his stapfather has left the family and we see some of the domestic interactions. All very believable. When the boys arrive at the school gounds, they part, and we are introduced to Riley Stein through whom Elliot has learnt the ways of the popular crowd and he can't stand them. I think Elliot is a believable character and your target audience should certainly be able to identify with him. I found that your writing had personality, and Elliot, character. Your writing style I found to be good, your story so far readable, with vivid descriptions, and colourful, down-to-earth dialogue. This is compassionate but never melodramatic and I am looking forward to reading on to discover the elements of that surreal/fantasy world of Elliot which your plot promises. Not a big critic of editing flaws but I'm sure others will help you here.
Best wishes for success Bradford,
Zan



Thank you very much. It takes a couple chapters for the real fantasy/otherworldly aspects to start kicking in, as it's slowly built up to, but I think once you get there it's worth it. I'm eager to hear what people think of the later chapters. If you do get that far then let me know. I love to hear opinions, good and bad.

Thanks,
Bradford

zan wrote 1322 days ago

The Quest For Light
Bradford A. Combs

Bradford,
The last paragraph of your pitch made me want to read this - the personal details concerning the breakup of your mother and stepfather and the ensuing pain of your siblings. I thought here was a story with a bit of real substance to it, that this would be a convincing novel about family, among other things, including of course those elements common to the genre, and I wasn't disappointed. Your Prologue, that extraordinary night in the quiet town of Quincy introducing Artie and Mack and the spotting of "Th' Child" had an impact as naturally I became interested in wanting to know who this mysterious person was. The next chapter introduced Elliot Schultz and we understand his reaction to that first day of school prospect which we have all suffered/and young people will always suffer from.... poor Elliot! But as he awakens and scrambles to find pen and notebook to record his dream, I felt more than a mere compassionate feeling for him - full identification because I have often done that myself, and in fact my first novel here starts off with a dream. Then later, we come to know that his stapfather has left the family and we see some of the domestic interactions. All very believable. When the boys arrive at the school gounds, they part, and we are introduced to Riley Stein through whom Elliot has learnt the ways of the popular crowd and he can't stand them. I think Elliot is a believable character and your target audience should certainly be able to identify with him. I found that your writing had personality, and Elliot, character. Your writing style I found to be good, your story so far readable, with vivid descriptions, and colourful, down-to-earth dialogue. This is compassionate but never melodramatic and I am looking forward to reading on to discover the elements of that surreal/fantasy world of Elliot which your plot promises. Not a big critic of editing flaws but I'm sure others will help you here.
Best wishes for success Bradford,
Zan

Bob Steele wrote 1323 days ago

The Quest for Light is an intriguing tale. You set the scene well at the start, with the Lady of the woods, dancing trees and the magical Child promising plenty of interest to come. This will appeal to YA fantasy fans, and so I'm backing it.
The book would be even better IMHO with a bit of polishing. Get rid of most of your adjectives [you use lots!] by replacing them with actions where you can and letting the reader's imagination work where you can't. Your style is distant third person ['Elliot says']; I think you'd multiply your dramatic impact enormously and engage the reader more powerfully if you adopted your main character's POV. Do you have to write dialogue to mimic an accent - one of my pet hates? OK, that last one is just a matter of personal taste, but does it really add enough to the story to justify all the effort when with a few hints the reader's imagination can do the same job? Points to ponder for the next round of editing. All the best.

TheLoriC wrote 1323 days ago

How lucky for me to find this while surfing through lists to find some new reading material. The opening chapter is very strong. You have outlined both scenes and dialogue in an earthy, realistic manner. May I add that I also liked your pitch. I'm making room on my shelf.

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

JohnnySix wrote 1330 days ago

Bradford -- great opening bit -- you've nailed the all-important "hook the reader in and make them want to read more," which is tougher than it sounds. And it was nice to see someone write realistic dialogue -- I felt that the characters were actually speaking the way real people do, also tougher than it sounds.

Great work. On the shelf.

Steve Ward wrote 1334 days ago

Bradford,
Excellent writing. Much mystery in the Prologue with Artie and Mack in awe over the magic Child. Just give the reader enough to wonder and turn pages. Well done. Then we get on to real life in Chpt 2 and 3, with Elliot conveniently plugged into the pizzaria. Love the meatball to the head, Danny deserved it. You have a really good story working here, and as an editor I couldn't find anything wrong with it. I usually do. Too bad, but quite common for the children to feel guilty about the divorce of their parents. Great YA story, good luck with it.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

klouholmes wrote 1335 days ago

Hi Bradford, The opening fascinated with atmosphere and I liked your honing in on the pinstripe man. I noticed much of the prose was like that, oscillating from more complicated ideas to very focused scenes. You write extremely well about the dynamics of divorce and have created a thinking protagonist with believable friendships. There was one sentence that showed how the abstract writing can need work: "...but as she lost both the other boys in the school began to notice her more..." The tense switches were effective in keeping the pace up when you have the capacity to narrate background about Elliott or the surreal happenings. I admired how you handled the different backgrounds and the rapport between characters. Wanted to read on so I dipped into Chapter 10. Yes, the techniques you use must work in the fantasy part. Looks excellent and fascinating for the young adult too. Shelved - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

bacombs81 wrote 1335 days ago

Hi Bradford
Chose to read your last chapter, as most people start at the beginning. Great summing up chapter, with effortless and imaginative dialogue. Love colloquial speech, shows you have a grip on great characterisation. Fab last paragraph, balances beautifully with the Prologue, which I read a couple of days ago. In this chapter a couple of typo's 'Your leaving' instead of 'You're leaving' and 'apposed' instead of 'opposed'? Backed with best wishes for the last few days. Best wishes, Catherine :), Whirl of the Wheel.



Thanks for the praise and I'll go in right now and fix those typos. It's funny how after reading a manuscript time and again there are still things like that in there. I found a few myself just while preparing to upload the document. Frustrating! Grrr.

Catherine Dolby wrote 1336 days ago

Hi Bradford
Chose to read your last chapter, as most people start at the beginning. Great summing up chapter, with effortless and imaginative dialogue. Love colloquial speech, shows you have a grip on great characterisation. Fab last paragraph, balances beautifully with the Prologue, which I read a couple of days ago. In this chapter a couple of typo's 'Your leaving' instead of 'You're leaving' and 'apposed' instead of 'opposed'? Backed with best wishes for the last few days. Best wishes, Catherine :), Whirl of the Wheel.

Kim Jewell wrote 1338 days ago

Hi Bradford!

Yes, the YA audience is definitely going to love this!!! Your easy to read style is perfect for the target, and the premise will capture their attention.

"Pizza, my old friend. Pizza." Brilliant! (Now I'm hungry...)

In chapter two, a few of your paragraphs seem awful long for the YA audience. You'll find that if you section them into multiple, shorter paragraphs, it'll make the material easier for the audience to digest.

Your dialogue seems spot on for your target - very believable. Characters are well drawn out, intriguing, fascinating. Overall, I think this shows great promise, and hints at larger lessons to be learned along the way - a noble thing to do in a YA book. I'm happy to shelf this! Best of luck to you - I'll keep an eye on this and hope to see it fly up the charts!

Kim
Invisible Justice

Elaina wrote 1338 days ago

Hi B

Have read random chapters after ch 1 to get a feel for your work. Allow me first to say that you handle dialogue REALLY WELL. Your characters each have a distinct voice and you don't tag with frequent adverbs. I think other readers could learn from you. Sure, there are some -ly words, but not as many as I am guilty of! Boy, have I tried to rid myself of them!

Second, a great premise. I would read this based on that alone. To find crisp writing is a bonus that draws the reader on. OK, I'm not so good with crits, but if something jumps out at me, I make a comment- experienced no stumbles.

Glad I shelved. And hope you receive more helpful comments than mine!

Looking forward to a read from you...(yep, that's a nudge!)

All the best forward
Elaina

bacombs81 wrote 1338 days ago

Hi Bradford,

Welcome to Authonomy. I would split the longer pitch into smaller paragraphs so it’s easier to read. From your premise, this sounds like a book I would pick up.

I like your style of writing; it’s smooth and I think you handle present tense narrative very well. Watch out for the adverbs. Limit words ending in –ly, it’s frowned upon. I like the quick pace, it adds to the energy of the story. I think you have a promising story here.

Your characters felt real and the dialogue was believable. I’ve only read two chapters, but so far I’ve enjoyed it.

Very well written.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)



Thank you and I'm eager to hear what else you have to say. To all people, be as harsh as possible. As I've said elsewhere I'm self taught and I'll never learn by people just being nice (though the nice is good, too).

I actually didn't know the 'ly's were looked down on, I'll have to keep that in mind. And I've split the opening pitch where It was suppoesed to have been split to begin with. For some reason it didn't show up when posted. Oh well.

And thanks to Elaina as well. I hope you enjoy it.

Elaina wrote 1339 days ago

This is shaping up to be a good read. Will read and comment more, but meanwhile I'm popping it onto my shelf!

Alecia Stone wrote 1339 days ago

Hi Bradford,

Welcome to Authonomy. I would split the longer pitch into smaller paragraphs so it’s easier to read. From your premise, this sounds like a book I would pick up.

I like your style of writing; it’s smooth and I think you handle present tense narrative very well. Watch out for the adverbs. Limit words ending in –ly, it’s frowned upon. I like the quick pace, it adds to the energy of the story. I think you have a promising story here.

Your characters felt real and the dialogue was believable. I’ve only read two chapters, but so far I’ve enjoyed it.

Very well written.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

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