Book Jacket

 

rank 5849
word count 84233
date submitted 17.09.2009
date updated 28.02.2012
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Fantasy, Young A...
classification: universal
complete

The Quest For Light

Bradford A. Combs

This young adult fantasy novel introduces a multitude of fantastic worlds and characters while dealing with broken homes and the pains of status segragation.

 

Elliott Schultz, a loner by nature, has never been there for his twice-divorced mother and hurting younger brother. However, a dream the night before the first day of school is the beginning of an adventure that will show him the true value of family.

Alongside his semi-popular best friend, the high school bully, and the most beautiful girl in school, Elliott travels from one vastly different world to the next facing a multitude of dangers and personalities. Underwater kingdoms, landless skies, and even Earth itself aren't safe from the darkness that threatens to claim them. The quest will conclude with the salvation of the Lady of Light, the one person who offers this corrupted web of worlds its true redemption. However, a great evil pursues Elliott and his company, the very evil that darkened the web in the first place.

I've never really known the feeling of having actually lost a parent. Then in 2006, my mother and stepfather of twenty years separated, and though it saddened me, the real pain was felt by my three younger siblings. Seeing their various reactions I was inspired to craft this novel with real life issues facing many of today's youth.

 
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abstract, atlantis, broken home, bully, coming of age, creatures, divorce, evil, fantasy, for, good, hero, high school, king, kingdom, light, loner, m...

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Chapter 7

Artorio Bel'ademus

 

    The dungeon is dark, cold, and dripping with moisture, but it's not the dungeon itself that makes Elliott shake from head to toe, but rather the fear of what is to come. When he first found the tunnel from his dreams and saw the Lady, he was so eager to begin this journey and learn what it was that she had to teach him. Now here he is in this cold, dank cell with no possibility of escape, and little hope. There is nothing left for him to do except wait for whatever horrors the king has in store for them.

    He's just a backward kid from a small town. Less than a month ago he sat alone in his bedroom hating his step-father, Barry, for leaving his mother, and reminding himself of the fact that his own father left after learning of his conception. He use to blame himself for his father's leaving when he was younger, but he's old enough now to know that that probably wasn't the case. However, after seeing her hurting again the old thoughts have come back and he cannot help but to feel a bit guilty. Would his father have stayed if he only had his brother Ron to care for? Would his parents still be happy and in love? Would his family have worked out if he hadn't been born? He shakes the thoughts away. He knows better.

    “Why did you make us come here?”

    Elliott looks up from his thoughts. Danny is sitting in the back corner of the cell, one knee tucked up into his chest as he gives Elliott an evil glare. The two of them are alone in the cell, as Chance and Riley in the next.

    “What?”

    “You made us come here. You talked like it was all important and now we're stuck.”

    “I didn't make anyone come here,” Elliott says in a disgusted tone.

    “You think any of us wanted to come? None of us did, but we listened to you and now look at us. We're gonna die here.”

    Elliott's face flushes but no words come to mind. He tries to think back to when they first entered the forest, when they were still with Mack. Did he encourage them to enter? Was it his fault? Danny's disgusted expression on top of the tone in his voice reminds Elliott of the way he is at school, and though he's typically non-confrontational, a fire begins to build in his stomach.

    “You made the choice to come here,” he says sternly. “Don't blame me for your decisions.”

    Danny sits up, his eyes wide and angry.

    “What? It's all your fault! You told me we should go. I don't know why I was so stupid but I actually wanted to follow you!”

    “You said it yourself then. You're stupid. An idiot. You're a freakin' moron who can't handle his own failures and has to take it out on everyone else. It's people like you who make teenagers look as bad as we do.”

    Danny quickly stands to his feet and rushes toward Elliott. Elliott stiffens and tries to steady himself but Danny catches him unprepared and pushes him against the bars.

    “I ain't stupid!” he shouts as he throws Elliott to the ground and begins to kick him repeatedly. “Don't call me stupid!”

    Elliott is afraid, but the fire is still strong in his stomach. Between kicks he manages to grab Danny's foot and with all the strength he can muster he twists it. Danny cries out for a moment before falling over, having lost his balance. He tries to stand back up, but without thinking, Elliott charges him and puts all his weight into Danny's chest, throwing him hard against the brick wall that separates their cell from Chance and Riley's. He continues shoving Danny into the wall and even manages to throw a full punch, connecting with Danny's cheek, pushing the back of his head into the brick. Finally, Elliott steps back and allows Danny to slide down the wall to the ground.

    “Leave me alone!” Elliott yells firmly, breathing hard and shaking. “And don't you ever touch me again... stupid!”

    He added the last bit just to get under Danny's skin, though elementary it may have sounded. Danny's been bullying him for years and it feels good to give some back in return. Danny slowly moves away from the wall and retreats to his corner, cursing beneath his breath. Elliott retreats to the front left corner of the cell, opposite Danny's corner. What had just transpired begins to sink in and for some reason he finds himself fighting back tears. He's slightly afraid, but also proud of himself. He's dreamed of that moment for years and for a second it feels really good. But then oddly, he somehow finds guilt even in this. He's using their final hours to fight with Danny, to hurt him. Not to make amends. Not to find a way to escape. To fight. A petty stupid fight.

    Elliott's thoughts are then interrupted by the sound of crying. He looks back at Danny, and though his back is heaving slightly, the sound isn't coming from him. He then realizes that it is coming from the next cell. Someone is sitting in the corner adjacent to him.

    “Riley?”

    Riley's sniffles quiet for a moment before she answers.

    “Are you guys okay?” she asks.

    “Yeah, we're fine.”

    “Good.”

    Her voice strikes Elliott as odd. Perhaps it's just because of her crying, but she sounds even younger than she appeared in the tree branches between worlds. He remembers his promise to protect her and once more, the guilt kicks in.

    “I'm sorry about this,” he says softly. “I shouldn't have asked you guys to come.”

    She doesn't answer at first and he wonders if she is condemning him like Danny had done.

    “It's alright,” she says finally. “We'll find a way out.”

    The words strike Elliott as odd, and yet comforting.

    “You think so?”

    “We have to.”

    “How's Chance?”

    “He's asleep.”

    “What?” Elliott asks. “How can he be asleep at a time like this?”

    “One of the guards threw him against the wall when they put us in. Kicked him pretty hard.”

    “You mean they knocked him out?”

    He can hear Riley's sniffles again.

    “Is he alright?”

    “He's breathing.”

    Elliott leans his head back against the wall. Another thing on his conscious. If Chance hadn't follow his lead into Caldsworth Forest then he would never have been rendered unconscious. Elliott's always been one to blame himself for things and he's had more than enough to take blame for as of late; the fear of them being in this dungeon, his fight with Danny, his argument with Riley, his father and step-father's leaving.

    “Riley?”

    “Yeah.”

    “I wanted to say I'm sorry. About our argument this morning.”

    “Don't worry about it,” she says softly. “It was a stupid argument anyway. We're just a little stressed.”

    The two fall silent for a moment, leading Elliott to believe that their conversation had come to an end, but Riley continues a moment later.

    “And maybe I should have paid more attention to you in school.”

    Elliott can't help but to smile slightly.

    “Maybe we'll try it again when we get home.”

    “Yeah.”

    “Well this is quite the tale,” suddenly comes a strange, unfamiliar voice.

    Elliott jumps to his feet and hears Riley doing the same. The voice had come from the cell directly opposite his own. The darkness of the dungeon makes it near impossible to see inside, but he now notes a faint outline and can tell that someone is sitting on the ground toward the back of the cell.

    “We have adventure,” the voice says again happily. “We have conflict and resolution. We may even have a potential love story in the making I see.”

    “Who's there?” Elliott says.

    “Ah, but I am such a small role in your tale thus far. Merely an observer. Are you certain it is time for my introduction?”

    For such a dim and dreary atmosphere, the stranger's voice sticks out like a candle in the darkness. It is excited and happy and sounds as if it has been aching to break free for a very long time.

    “You are humans, yes?”

    “Er,” Elliott says, confused by this question. “Yes.”

    “Ah, then I will keep my appearance from you for now. But I will at least share with you my name. Artorio Bel'ademus III is what I am called, and right proud of the title I am. I was named after my father and his father before him, both of which were noble... er... men of high esteem, both of whom I am but a pale comparison to. And so I sit here awaiting the quest that will allow me to prove my worth in their eyes, that will allow me to join them in their halls.”

    Elliott stumbles in his thoughts, not sure how to respond.

    “Okay.”

    He waits for Artorio to say something else but nothing comes and so he looks around, feeling a bit uncomfortable. Before now he hadn't considered other prisoners. He notes several other cells around his, though the darkness keeps him from seeing inside them. He hears Riley moving away from the bars and so he decides to do the same. He slides down the wall until he is seated, and in doing so he closes his eyes and quickly realizes how tired he is. He isn't certain how long they've been here in Birkenshaw, but it feels like at least half a day. Of course, with it always being night, it's hard to say.

    “Did you see her?”

    The voice jolts Elliott awake. He isn't certain how long he's been asleep, but it was long enough for a series of odd dreams to make him feel restless still. He looks around and sees that Danny sits quietly in his corner with his head resting on his knees. It wasn't the bully's voice.

    “So, did you?”

    He now realizes that the voice comes from Artorio's cell once more. Clearing the sleep from his throat, Elliott stirs and moves toward the bars once more.

    “Did I see who?”

    Artorio laughs slightly.

    “The most beautiful woman in all the land.”

    “Well. I only saw the queen and I wouldn't' exactly call her beautiful.”

    “Oh!” he replies in an angry voice. “That wicked woman is but a pale comparison to the lady whom has claimed my heart. Though it is from her loins the lady comes.”

    “From the queen? You mean she has a daughter? A princess?”

    Artorio sighs.

    “A most splendid woman. A princess in every sense of the word and one far greater than the kingdom that she's been born into. It's been so long since last she visited me. How I miss her eyes and her mane.”

    “Mane?”

    “Her hair I mean.”

    Elliott isn't sure what to say and so, if for no other reason than to keep himself awake, he decides to continue the conversation.

    “How did you first meet her?”

    He can imagine Artorio's smile as he reminiscences.

    “She was a beacon shining forth, kneeling at the feet of her father. I loved her the moment our eyes met.”

    “So you met her when you were imprisoned?”

    “Oh, no. I had been imprisoned long before that, when King Aarom's father was still king. We met shortly after Aarom himself had taken the throne and she was at his side when I was brought before him. He was reminded upon his ascension that I was still in the prisons. I learned then that it had been nearly ten years since I had been given anything to eat or drink, and though I was very parched and hungry, I yet lived and felt fit.

    “How is that possible? How long have you been here?”

    “I am not certain, but I was imprisoned shortly after his father took the throne. How old does King Aarom look?”

    Elliott tries to think back.

    “Maybe in his fifties? I'm not very good at guessing ages.”

    “Then I would assume that I've been here somewhere around sixty or seventy years.”

    “Exactly how old are you then?”

    “Let's say I've been here sixty-five years... that'd put me somewhere around two hundred and five years, give or take a decade or two. It's all run together since I fell through the water.”

    Elliott falls silent, unsure of what to say. The man is insane! No man can live that long. Well, Mack maybe. And how can someone possibly live ten years without food? Surely the man's lost his mind since coming here, unless it's been gone all along.

    “Yes,” Artorio continues. “When I died in the water, that's when I found this magical land. And when I found this place, and my lady, I knew my quest was only just beginning. My greatest adventure lies before me. Through it, I shall honor the Bel'ademus name and finally earn my way into the halls of my fathers.”

    “Alright,” Elliott says hesitantly. “Then what kind of person were you before you... fell through the water? ”

    “Oh, I'd rather not talk about my past life. Why would I discuss the land of the living when we are all dead?”

    “So you think you're dead?”

    “Well, yes. Isn't it obvious?”

    “Is it?”

    “You're in denial I see.”

    Elliott decides to stop talking. He walks away from the bars to leave the crazy man to his horrendous ideas. He begins to slide down the wall once more when the sound of screeching metal tells him that the dungeon door is opening. He walks toward the bars and is surprised to find Danny with him.

    “Which cell are they going in?” a guard asks.

    “This one'll work. They're gonna be part of Prince Jared's next hunt, so they won't be here long.” The second guard then raises his voice so that everyone can hear him. “I hear a few of you might be in the game as well. Maybe even you Antonio.”

    “The name is Artorio, my friend. My father's name.”

    The guards laugh as a cage opens and shuts. They then depart and the dungeon goes dark once more. All falls silent. Elliott has no idea who has joined them. He shouldn't worry, however, as Artorio is all too eager to introduce himself.

    “Hello,” he says in a deep, slightly comical tone.

    A silence follows, soon interrupted by a high pitched reply that Elliott immediately recognizes as one of the little people from the graveyard.

    “God?”

    Artorio laughs slightly.

    “Yes. What is your name my child?”

    “I's Hollis. Brother's name's Chuck. What you doin' in the dungeon?”

    “Hollish!” comes Chuck's annoyed voice. “God not in the dungeon. You bein' shtupid! He'sh jusht a shtupid prishoner.”

    Artorio laughs heartily.

    “And don't you sound like a mighty intelligent one my little friend. Chuck was it?”

    “Yesh.”

    “Yes, Sir,” Hollis corrects him. “You's talkin' ta' God here.”

    “He'sh not God!”

    Elliott can't help but to smile as the sound of a small scuffle breaks out, just as they had done in the graveyard.

    “Boys, boys,” Artorio says calmly. “No need to fight. We're all friends here.”

    Chuck and Hollis stop fighting and Elliott hears them arguing just a bit before calming completely.

    “Now, it seems introductions are in order. As Chuck so elegantly pointed out, God isn't actually in this dungeon.”

    “You's in my head, then?”

    Artorio laughs.

    “No, no. I am not God. I was just having a bit of fun. My name is Artorio Bel'ademus III. It is a name I am proud of, as it was my father's name, and his father's name before him.”

    Artorio was to continue his introduction as he had given it to Elliott, but he is cut short by Chuck's voice, “Hah! Told you it wash'nt God.” Which is followed but a sudden dull thud and the sound of someone hitting the floor.

    “Chuck?” Artorio asks.

    “He's sleepin',” Hollis answers in an almost proud voice.

    “Quite loving little ones aren't you?”

    “Bah,” Hollis says almost playfully. “He's my little brother, and I's hates him. He's a doofus.”

    “Oh,” Artorio says in what sounds to be a playful voice. “Surely you don't mean that?”

    “Sure I's do. Well, maybe. No. Not really. Chuck just annoys me lots.”

    “I thought so. And what of your family?”

    Elliott is surprised to find Hollis' response slow and sorrowful.

    “Father died fightin'. Mother too. I's promised her I'd protect Chuck. I's older see. He's my responsibility.”

    Artorio falls silent for a moment before responding.

    “It's a noble thing to care for your siblings when elders cannot. Why... If I were a king I'd have you knighted.”

    These words pull at Elliott's heart strings as thoughts of Ian come to mind.

    “Now,” Artorio continues. “Exactly what were your parents fighting for? Was it a war against King Aarom? For him?”

    “Oh no,” Hollis answers. “This not home. We's live in somewhere else, but the Gem Lady brought us here for the king. She trusts us ta' make her proud.”

    “Gem Lady?” Elliott asks quite alarmingly, thinking back to Caldsworth Forest. “You mean Periphne?”

    “Yes,” Hollis answers quickly. “Some's call Gem Lady that. Not very nice lady, but she's our master and we's do our best.”

    “Periphne?” Artorio says thoughtfully. “I think I remember the princess mentioning her. Or perhaps it was a different name?”

    Again, Elliott thinks back. The king and queen had an argument over someone whose name sounded a lot like Periphne's. What was it?

    “Porefray,” Danny says quietly from the back of the cell. “They called her Porefray.”

    Elliott looks back but finds that the bully doesn't return his stare. He remains tucked away in his corner, his head only slightly above his knees.

Chapters

11

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River Stone wrote 986 days ago

Hello
Care to swap reads and backs?

Regards,
River

The Secret Snow

Bill Carrigan wrote 1059 days ago

Hello Bradford,

Your title and pitch were persuasive and I started to read. The first chapter sets a dark, fantastic mood with many cryptic references--to the Child, the Lady, the others; but Mack's idea for attracting the kids to his project lends an incongruous, humorous touch. We're left not knowing what it's all about--what sort of book this is--but curiosity drives us to find out. I confess that I skipped around from then on, mainly to see whether the style and quality were consistent. Finding they were, I decided to back the novel and read it later. Your writing is flawless, and the dialect, though perhaps overdone, is clear and faithful. This work could be a masterpiece.

I invite you--no, urge you--to take a look at "The Doctor of Summitville," a realistic psychosocial love story. While the genre differs from yours, the attempt at serious writing does not. Your reaction would be much appreciated.

Best of luck, Bill

Marcus Fisch wrote 1062 days ago

Backed with pleasure
Abel Kane
The Alchemists' Cookbook
Chances

Marcus Fisch wrote 1086 days ago

Love this. Love the originality and excellent writing
Backed with pleasure
Abel Kane
The Alchemists' Cookbook

yasmin esack wrote 1094 days ago

Great read. Fascinating and original.

A pleasure tp read

RichardBard wrote 1118 days ago

I found myself drawn into this quite unusual story. Your use of the present tense heightened the immediacy of the action. The well-crafted slang made the dialogue feel authentic. Ultimately, though, it was the colorful and endearing characters that made this a compelling read. Well done. Backed.

Richard Bard
BRAINRUSH (2010 ABNA Semi-Finalist)

Burgio wrote 1122 days ago

This is well written story. The alternative world will capture the “Harry Potter” crowd. In addition, you have a good main character in Elliott; he’s both likable and sensitive; the kind of character young adults will want to follow to see if some happiness can come into his life. A feature of this is the overall tone of sadness you’ve woven into this; that’s a mark of good writing. Makes this a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

lnagode wrote 1215 days ago

Hello! My name is Lindsay and I am seeking some feedback for my book, Parker and the Parallelium. I'm hoping to find some good advice for my next round of edits. Anything you could offer would be greatly appreciated! I'd be happy to swap reads if you are interested- just let me know. Thanks for your time!

Lindsay Nagode
Parker and the Parallelium: Into the Beyond

Jupiter Echoes wrote 1253 days ago

you use present tense effectively in the opening. Your descriptive powers are good, and dialogue authentic. Tightly written, and good good characterisation makes this a good read.

BACKED

paxie wrote 1255 days ago

Bradford

Fantasy isn't really my take, so I try to avoid comenting on premise or plot, incase I make an eejit of myself....

The thriller tag is a difficult claim to stake.....You're under pressure to maintain the pace, even when dropping in background....I find replacing 'and' with a comma, is sometimes faster on the eye.

eg.
The man takes a breath, (and) steps from the dusty asphalt between two oaks and enters the mangled unkempt forest...........

Something catches the man's eys, (and) he quickly tries to trace it..........

My view only.......It's fine as it is, but it could be sharper if you got rid of a few of your 'ands'

A brilliant read, which I'm sure your catchement audience will lap up....

Shelved with pleasure.

zenup wrote 1257 days ago

There's something about this story that I found immensely appealing, I'd even say magical (a word I use rarely, in criticism). Not the story so much as the style reminds me strongly of Ray Bradbury - believe me, that's a compliment. Backed. I wish you all success with your writing.

T.L Tyson wrote 1260 days ago

I love the cover of your book, it is what snagged my attention.
Once I read the pitch I knew that I was in for a treat. Your writing is rich and flowing, though also woven with some unnecessary description.
Like for example the second chapter starts on about august....not the head but he final days.
It would increase the pace and make the novel more engaging if you simply said, The final days of AUgust always had the children down with the return to school looming in the distance.
For the YA audience, less is often more, only tell them what they need to know.
You are riddled with imagination, it glows in this MS.
Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

andyroo wrote 1282 days ago

Before I say anything further, I would like to inform you that fantasy is my least favourite genre. This hasn't been decided upon by your work, I merely stumbled upon my own realisation before I read this a few moments ago. As such, I can reliably inform you that, although fantasy makes me as enthusiastic as a chicken in KFC, this is very well written. You maintain pace well, you use descriptive prose at just the right level, and you generate a world that is wholesome and believable. A good achievement.

Andrew

Ilyria_Moon wrote 1283 days ago

You have a talent for descriptive narrative (something I struggle with!) and the dialogue-description balance is spot on. I've read two chapters so far, and shall read more, before offering further comment. I had a late gig last night, so I'm still a bit muggy-headed. One note on the pitch, the last paragraph could perhaps go in your profile instead. Backed with pleasure.

Laurie Gonda wrote 1283 days ago

I think you have a good concept here and writing that is polished and moves the story forward nicely.

Jane Alexander wrote 1287 days ago

There's something very beguiling about this and any mention of the 'web' (when it's not about the internet) always tugs me in. I feel there is lovely lovely writing here that is - at the moment - just a little buried under excess words. I would love to see you keep this more simple - there are some convoluted sentence structures and wordiness that stops the read being quite as intimate and immediate as it could be.
A few small nits. curious (as to) which.
Unsure of what they will be blamed (for) next.
I'd lose 'various' and cut out 'to see what it had been' - just a few examples.

I don't think it would take that much editing, to be honest.... and hey, don't take my word for it (I'm not editor, I just say what strikes me as I read)...
I do love what's going on here and just have a strong gut feeling this could be a cracker.
I'm backing for serious promise.
Jane
WALKER

C.P. wrote 1308 days ago


This book contains so much imagination. It is exciting and well paced and you defiantly can write. There are a few things you may consider. Let the back story come in more naturally. I felt at times you were giving the reader information instead of letting unfold in the story. I think you could also cut a few words. No big deal just here and there. For example-

‘Lines of dust and dirt slither down a lightly traveled road that stretches from just of Quincy to the neighboring town of LeSorks.' I think you can get rid of Quincy in this sentence because we already know the name of the town. ‘Lines of dust and dirt slither down a lightly traveled road that stretches south to the neighboring town of LeSords.' Just a little tighter.

‘The trees then open to a small clearing and the view he finds is one that would frighten most simple minded men of Quincy.' What about the men of LeSords? Would then not also be frightened? Is so remove ‘of Quincy.'

‘And what do you make of the vision? On the young people and the Lady?' What young people? I thought there was only a girl. A little bit of a jump here.

These aren't big things. and there are so many wonderful things about your writing. It is well worth the bit of polishing it needs. It will be quite the story when you are done. On my shelf. C.P

soutexmex wrote 1321 days ago

BACKING because Simon Swift did and I trust his instincts. Those pitches look perfect as well. Think you can make it to the Ed's desk.

Do look forward to your comments on my book when you get a chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

beegirl wrote 1323 days ago

You have a great premise here.There are two things I think that would help your story. 1, Action sooner 2. Less telling is and more story/action/dialogue that shows us. An example we are told rather shown Elliot's best friend.
but this is very good and well worth the telling.
backed already.
Barbara
The Sea Pillow

Melimoops wrote 1324 days ago

Your pitch intrigued me and your writing delivers. What a great novel! I found the descriptions wonderfully vivid and the dialogue authentic and purposeful. I’m surprised by the comment below that they weren’t sure how your prologue and first chapter were connected – I think you actually did that very well through Elliott’s dream that he writes down in his journal. On my shelf.

Melissa

Andrew W. wrote 1324 days ago


The Quest for Light

Hi Bradford,

A great premise for a YA fantasy novel and your prose delivers the goods. I am ambivalent on the whole prologue or not prologue debate but my sense in relation to your story is that we don’t need it. The description was a little disorientating and I felt that the beginning of chapter 1 was a really good place to start. You write very well, with a strong narrative voice and a floating narrator who kicks us off. The way chapter 1 starts reminded me of a Peter Straub novel, the fluid descriptions leading us into the key characters predicament. The fluidity of chapter one I felt was not matched by what you were doing in the prologue there seemed to be a surfeit of descriptive words there that didn’t help the flow. Hope at least some of that was useful, but you have a good, strong talent there and a good strong story, I had you get the recognition you deserve. If you have time to take a peak at my book that would be great.

Best wishes and good luck
Andrew W.
(Sanctuary’s Loss)

KJKron wrote 1324 days ago

Your prologue leaves me curious and chapter one gives us a different POV entirely. Not sure how they connect. With a mom whose upset, the boys seem to have to become more independant / responsible. You've made me interested enough to want to read more and the writing is good.

Urania wrote 1325 days ago

Hi Bradford, this has a great premise, good writing and intriguing plot. You have an interesting POV in the present rtense style, but I do find the dialogue rather forced - the strange clipped words for the accent - this makes for hard reading. With some polishing and clearing up of those adjectives too, you'll have a great book for the fantasy/YA market. Worth a spin on the shelf.

J&M JENSEN wrote 1326 days ago

This is evocatively written and touched with a gentle humour as well. I enjoyed your dialogue and Mack's accent and the various personalities. Good pitch, good start and Elliot, Artie and Mack have all peaked my interest sufficiently for me to want to know more!

M&J
'GRAEMOR'

Simon Swift wrote 1327 days ago

Very enjoyable Bradford! You drew me in with your very strong opening chapter! I am happy to give this a spin on the shelf! Good work
Simon

bacombs81 wrote 1327 days ago

The Quest for Light is an intriguing tale. You set the scene well at the start, with the Lady of the woods, dancing trees and the magical Child promising plenty of interest to come. This will appeal to YA fantasy fans, and so I'm backing it.
The book would be even better IMHO with a bit of polishing. Get rid of most of your adjectives [you use lots!] by replacing them with actions where you can and letting the reader's imagination work where you can't. Your style is distant third person ['Elliot says']; I think you'd multiply your dramatic impact enormously and engage the reader more powerfully if you adopted your main character's POV. Do you have to write dialogue to mimic an accent - one of my pet hates? OK, that last one is just a matter of personal taste, but does it really add enough to the story to justify all the effort when with a few hints the reader's imagination can do the same job? Points to ponder for the next round of editing. All the best.



Mack's the only character that I write like that because I just felt it fit the character, and he's not a focus of the entire book so no worries if it bothers you. You just need to make it through the first few chapters and you'll be fine. And thank you for the critiques. I'll be sure to keep them in mind as I go in for further edits down the road. As for Elliott's point of view and the way I write... being self-taught, it's the only way I feel comfortable writing at the moment. It's how I taught myself, and while I've recently started playing with other tenses, it'd be difficult to shift the entire book at this time. Maybe once I get a good handle on the style you prefer I can play with the switch (if at that time I feel it woudl work for the story).

Bradford

bacombs81 wrote 1327 days ago

The Quest For Light
Bradford A. Combs

Bradford,
The last paragraph of your pitch made me want to read this - the personal details concerning the breakup of your mother and stepfather and the ensuing pain of your siblings. I thought here was a story with a bit of real substance to it, that this would be a convincing novel about family, among other things, including of course those elements common to the genre, and I wasn't disappointed. Your Prologue, that extraordinary night in the quiet town of Quincy introducing Artie and Mack and the spotting of "Th' Child" had an impact as naturally I became interested in wanting to know who this mysterious person was. The next chapter introduced Elliot Schultz and we understand his reaction to that first day of school prospect which we have all suffered/and young people will always suffer from.... poor Elliot! But as he awakens and scrambles to find pen and notebook to record his dream, I felt more than a mere compassionate feeling for him - full identification because I have often done that myself, and in fact my first novel here starts off with a dream. Then later, we come to know that his stapfather has left the family and we see some of the domestic interactions. All very believable. When the boys arrive at the school gounds, they part, and we are introduced to Riley Stein through whom Elliot has learnt the ways of the popular crowd and he can't stand them. I think Elliot is a believable character and your target audience should certainly be able to identify with him. I found that your writing had personality, and Elliot, character. Your writing style I found to be good, your story so far readable, with vivid descriptions, and colourful, down-to-earth dialogue. This is compassionate but never melodramatic and I am looking forward to reading on to discover the elements of that surreal/fantasy world of Elliot which your plot promises. Not a big critic of editing flaws but I'm sure others will help you here.
Best wishes for success Bradford,
Zan



Thank you very much. It takes a couple chapters for the real fantasy/otherworldly aspects to start kicking in, as it's slowly built up to, but I think once you get there it's worth it. I'm eager to hear what people think of the later chapters. If you do get that far then let me know. I love to hear opinions, good and bad.

Thanks,
Bradford

zan wrote 1327 days ago

The Quest For Light
Bradford A. Combs

Bradford,
The last paragraph of your pitch made me want to read this - the personal details concerning the breakup of your mother and stepfather and the ensuing pain of your siblings. I thought here was a story with a bit of real substance to it, that this would be a convincing novel about family, among other things, including of course those elements common to the genre, and I wasn't disappointed. Your Prologue, that extraordinary night in the quiet town of Quincy introducing Artie and Mack and the spotting of "Th' Child" had an impact as naturally I became interested in wanting to know who this mysterious person was. The next chapter introduced Elliot Schultz and we understand his reaction to that first day of school prospect which we have all suffered/and young people will always suffer from.... poor Elliot! But as he awakens and scrambles to find pen and notebook to record his dream, I felt more than a mere compassionate feeling for him - full identification because I have often done that myself, and in fact my first novel here starts off with a dream. Then later, we come to know that his stapfather has left the family and we see some of the domestic interactions. All very believable. When the boys arrive at the school gounds, they part, and we are introduced to Riley Stein through whom Elliot has learnt the ways of the popular crowd and he can't stand them. I think Elliot is a believable character and your target audience should certainly be able to identify with him. I found that your writing had personality, and Elliot, character. Your writing style I found to be good, your story so far readable, with vivid descriptions, and colourful, down-to-earth dialogue. This is compassionate but never melodramatic and I am looking forward to reading on to discover the elements of that surreal/fantasy world of Elliot which your plot promises. Not a big critic of editing flaws but I'm sure others will help you here.
Best wishes for success Bradford,
Zan

Bob Steele wrote 1328 days ago

The Quest for Light is an intriguing tale. You set the scene well at the start, with the Lady of the woods, dancing trees and the magical Child promising plenty of interest to come. This will appeal to YA fantasy fans, and so I'm backing it.
The book would be even better IMHO with a bit of polishing. Get rid of most of your adjectives [you use lots!] by replacing them with actions where you can and letting the reader's imagination work where you can't. Your style is distant third person ['Elliot says']; I think you'd multiply your dramatic impact enormously and engage the reader more powerfully if you adopted your main character's POV. Do you have to write dialogue to mimic an accent - one of my pet hates? OK, that last one is just a matter of personal taste, but does it really add enough to the story to justify all the effort when with a few hints the reader's imagination can do the same job? Points to ponder for the next round of editing. All the best.

TheLoriC wrote 1328 days ago

How lucky for me to find this while surfing through lists to find some new reading material. The opening chapter is very strong. You have outlined both scenes and dialogue in an earthy, realistic manner. May I add that I also liked your pitch. I'm making room on my shelf.

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

JohnnySix wrote 1336 days ago

Bradford -- great opening bit -- you've nailed the all-important "hook the reader in and make them want to read more," which is tougher than it sounds. And it was nice to see someone write realistic dialogue -- I felt that the characters were actually speaking the way real people do, also tougher than it sounds.

Great work. On the shelf.

Steve Ward wrote 1340 days ago

Bradford,
Excellent writing. Much mystery in the Prologue with Artie and Mack in awe over the magic Child. Just give the reader enough to wonder and turn pages. Well done. Then we get on to real life in Chpt 2 and 3, with Elliot conveniently plugged into the pizzaria. Love the meatball to the head, Danny deserved it. You have a really good story working here, and as an editor I couldn't find anything wrong with it. I usually do. Too bad, but quite common for the children to feel guilty about the divorce of their parents. Great YA story, good luck with it.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

klouholmes wrote 1340 days ago

Hi Bradford, The opening fascinated with atmosphere and I liked your honing in on the pinstripe man. I noticed much of the prose was like that, oscillating from more complicated ideas to very focused scenes. You write extremely well about the dynamics of divorce and have created a thinking protagonist with believable friendships. There was one sentence that showed how the abstract writing can need work: "...but as she lost both the other boys in the school began to notice her more..." The tense switches were effective in keeping the pace up when you have the capacity to narrate background about Elliott or the surreal happenings. I admired how you handled the different backgrounds and the rapport between characters. Wanted to read on so I dipped into Chapter 10. Yes, the techniques you use must work in the fantasy part. Looks excellent and fascinating for the young adult too. Shelved - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

bacombs81 wrote 1341 days ago

Hi Bradford
Chose to read your last chapter, as most people start at the beginning. Great summing up chapter, with effortless and imaginative dialogue. Love colloquial speech, shows you have a grip on great characterisation. Fab last paragraph, balances beautifully with the Prologue, which I read a couple of days ago. In this chapter a couple of typo's 'Your leaving' instead of 'You're leaving' and 'apposed' instead of 'opposed'? Backed with best wishes for the last few days. Best wishes, Catherine :), Whirl of the Wheel.



Thanks for the praise and I'll go in right now and fix those typos. It's funny how after reading a manuscript time and again there are still things like that in there. I found a few myself just while preparing to upload the document. Frustrating! Grrr.

Catherine Dolby wrote 1341 days ago

Hi Bradford
Chose to read your last chapter, as most people start at the beginning. Great summing up chapter, with effortless and imaginative dialogue. Love colloquial speech, shows you have a grip on great characterisation. Fab last paragraph, balances beautifully with the Prologue, which I read a couple of days ago. In this chapter a couple of typo's 'Your leaving' instead of 'You're leaving' and 'apposed' instead of 'opposed'? Backed with best wishes for the last few days. Best wishes, Catherine :), Whirl of the Wheel.

Kim Jewell wrote 1343 days ago

Hi Bradford!

Yes, the YA audience is definitely going to love this!!! Your easy to read style is perfect for the target, and the premise will capture their attention.

"Pizza, my old friend. Pizza." Brilliant! (Now I'm hungry...)

In chapter two, a few of your paragraphs seem awful long for the YA audience. You'll find that if you section them into multiple, shorter paragraphs, it'll make the material easier for the audience to digest.

Your dialogue seems spot on for your target - very believable. Characters are well drawn out, intriguing, fascinating. Overall, I think this shows great promise, and hints at larger lessons to be learned along the way - a noble thing to do in a YA book. I'm happy to shelf this! Best of luck to you - I'll keep an eye on this and hope to see it fly up the charts!

Kim
Invisible Justice

Elaina wrote 1343 days ago

Hi B

Have read random chapters after ch 1 to get a feel for your work. Allow me first to say that you handle dialogue REALLY WELL. Your characters each have a distinct voice and you don't tag with frequent adverbs. I think other readers could learn from you. Sure, there are some -ly words, but not as many as I am guilty of! Boy, have I tried to rid myself of them!

Second, a great premise. I would read this based on that alone. To find crisp writing is a bonus that draws the reader on. OK, I'm not so good with crits, but if something jumps out at me, I make a comment- experienced no stumbles.

Glad I shelved. And hope you receive more helpful comments than mine!

Looking forward to a read from you...(yep, that's a nudge!)

All the best forward
Elaina

bacombs81 wrote 1344 days ago

Hi Bradford,

Welcome to Authonomy. I would split the longer pitch into smaller paragraphs so it’s easier to read. From your premise, this sounds like a book I would pick up.

I like your style of writing; it’s smooth and I think you handle present tense narrative very well. Watch out for the adverbs. Limit words ending in –ly, it’s frowned upon. I like the quick pace, it adds to the energy of the story. I think you have a promising story here.

Your characters felt real and the dialogue was believable. I’ve only read two chapters, but so far I’ve enjoyed it.

Very well written.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)



Thank you and I'm eager to hear what else you have to say. To all people, be as harsh as possible. As I've said elsewhere I'm self taught and I'll never learn by people just being nice (though the nice is good, too).

I actually didn't know the 'ly's were looked down on, I'll have to keep that in mind. And I've split the opening pitch where It was suppoesed to have been split to begin with. For some reason it didn't show up when posted. Oh well.

And thanks to Elaina as well. I hope you enjoy it.

Elaina wrote 1344 days ago

This is shaping up to be a good read. Will read and comment more, but meanwhile I'm popping it onto my shelf!

Alecia Stone wrote 1344 days ago

Hi Bradford,

Welcome to Authonomy. I would split the longer pitch into smaller paragraphs so it’s easier to read. From your premise, this sounds like a book I would pick up.

I like your style of writing; it’s smooth and I think you handle present tense narrative very well. Watch out for the adverbs. Limit words ending in –ly, it’s frowned upon. I like the quick pace, it adds to the energy of the story. I think you have a promising story here.

Your characters felt real and the dialogue was believable. I’ve only read two chapters, but so far I’ve enjoyed it.

Very well written.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

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