Book Jacket

 

rank 5907
word count 197152
date submitted 19.09.2009
date updated 06.10.2009
genres: Fiction, Literary Fiction, Fantasy,...
classification: universal
complete

The Wisdom of the Wolf

Bryan Coyle

An adventure through prehistoric nature, as seen through the eyes of a Raven and a mischevious Wolf.

 

The story follows the villainous pursuits of a young wolf named Coyo’te, a scraggly runt who is held in contempt by his wolf brothers. Coyo’te, however, has one advantage over all other wolves – he has the sly and devious wisdom of the snake and rabbit. To gain the favor of his wolf brothers, Coyo’te uses this wisdom to trick the elk and buffalo herds into going to war. The only one who stands in his way is Raven, a gossipy little black bird with a penchant for sticking her beak where it doesn’t belong. She must learn the secrets of this wisdom and stop the two herds before they completely destroy each other.
(Cover by April Metternich -- www.aprilmetternichart.com)

 
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tags

adventure, american, animals, bird, coyote, eagle, folklore, forest, great plains, mountain, mythological, native, nature, raven, wildlife, wolf

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40 comments

 

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Andrew W. wrote 1661 days ago

The Wisdom of the Wolf

Hi Bryan

What an interesting and brave piece of writing. Richards Adams did this with Rabbits of all things and you are trying to do the same mould-breaking thing here. The prehistoric forest works well as a backdrop, there'll be lots of interest in that. An intriguing enough first chapter, a kind of prehistoric soap opera danced to nature's beat. The writing is smooth and carefully constructed, there are not bits that jag or bump us out of the story, you have edited this well. What a fun idea, I will come back to read more, two chapters in so far and it is engaging and warm and what's more I am learning stuff. Thank you for the originality and courage in getting animals speaking again in a book targeted at adults, onto my shelf for a while.

I would be interested in your thoughts on my book, best wishes

Andrew W.
(Sanctuary's Loss)

Lady Midnight wrote 1372 days ago

The paragraph beginning: Most of the time their little adventures together… This is a wonderful passage, showing, rather than telling, what the two little elks get up to. Their empathy with the creatures around them is beautifully outlined.
Nitpicks:
Word misuse and adverb: Ruinau was still not (fully) convinced, but he obeyed his friend (irregardless…) You don’t need the first bracketed word. Beware adverbs, only use if there’s no viable alternative. In this instance, it’s not needed at all. The latter word does not exist in my dictionary. I think you mean: regardless or irrespective.
Repetion: …and then (we’ll go back.) We really (should go back). I don’t think you need – We really should go back in Ruinau’s reply, the sentence has more impact just as: “We’ve already gone too far as it is.”
Repetition: …ran to catch up with his (bullish) friend. “I hate it when you do this,” the young (bull) cursed. I suggest omitting the first bracketed word.
Elk are such powerful creatures with strong (explosive) leg muscles… The bracketed word makes it sound as if their legs might blow up. You probably think I’m being pedantic here, but your descriptions are so evocative there’s really no need to gild the lilly.

I don’t usually like “talking” animal stories, but this hooked me from the word go. It’s extremely well written and the characterisation of the two young elk is three-dimensional. It didn’t take much effort for me to suspend my disbelief. There are some repetitions and wordiness, but nothing that can’t be rectified and remember, it’s just my opinion. I would suggest you try reading your manuscript aloud, it makes it easier to spot the above. Good luck with this – backed.

paxie wrote 1638 days ago

Bryan

A great read..... I took a few notes:

First Line Opening Prologue
The word meadow appears twice in one line.....graze, grazing, sounded repetitive to me.

3rd paragraph, you repeat 'herd' 3 times.....

-of the former there were many and of the latter there were few.....
how about:-
-of the former there were many,of the latter few......

TheTale of a Prince
The word 'day' appears twice in 2 lines......

I go to a Writers Club, each week we read a chapter of our work out to the group. It makes you realise how many 'little words' you've thrown in that you really dont need......

I think you would benefit from doing this.......I did come across a few other instances, but I ignored it as I wanted to enjoy the story......Which I have to say is very original.......Think you should also catogorise as
Young Adult.........Not instead of what you have here, I mean as well as....

Shelved....

paxie wrote 1638 days ago

Bryan

A great read..... I took a few notes:

First Line Opening Prologue
The word meadow appears twice in one line.....graze, grazing, sounded repetitive to me.

3rd paragraph, you repeat 'herd' 3 times.....

-of the former there were many and of the latter there were few.....
how about:-
-of the former there were many,of the latter few......

TheTale of a Prince
The word 'day' appears twice in 2 lines......

I go to a Writers Club, each week we read a chapter of our work out to the group. It makes you realise how many 'little words' you've thrown in that you really dont need......

I think you would benefit from doing this.......I did come across a few other instances, but I ignored it as I wanted to enjoy the story......Which I have to say is very original.......Think you should also catogorise as
Young Adult.........Not instead of what you have here, I mean as well as....

Shelved....

Helena wrote 1638 days ago

Hi Brian, I really enjoyed this piece, for talking animals there is a really good sophistication to it. Chalchak is majestic he reminds me of Aslan in the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrope and I thought perhaps he may sacrifice himself for his son, only a thought. Your characters are very well written the two young elks are great, one couragous but foolish, the other loyal and cautious, Mumfra is a pretty ferocious creature but you have given hima nice intelligence which adds a lot of depth to this nasty character. I would like to know how he collects his dues from Chalchak, I will leave it on my list and hopefully get time to pop in and out of it. Really, really like it, nice style too! Its on my shelf. Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

C.P. wrote 1641 days ago

Oh I loved this. It felt like some kind of ancient wisdom. I know your story isn't in the usual format. Show don't tell. Some things are repetitive, but that in keeping with that tradition is it not? A story full of old culture, old thought, and still so true today. Will be my pleasure to put this on my shelf. C.P

A couple of things that caught my eye-

‘I an younger than you are, and faster, and you couldn't touch me unless I chose to.' I think it should be ‘chose it.'

‘I tiny ripple of fear itched its way into Liatek's heart.' I think it's ‘A tiny ripple..'

moussacoyle wrote 1644 days ago

Gordon Long wrote,

Dear Bryan,

Somewhere, hidding in the verbiage, you have a wonderful story. The characters are varied and well-limned, the plotline is complex but holds together well, and the native Indian "teaching story" style is held through almost the whole story. (you fall out of mode a few times near the end)

However, there is nothing in this story to warrant 200.000 words. Your prologues, while necessary to introduce several major characters, spend incredible ink creating other characters who we never see again.

BTW, the timeline of the prologues causes confusion. The Eagle story takes place two years ago, but the Elk story takes place long enough in the past for Liatek to become Herd Leader. With all the words in between, and all the new characters being thrown at me, I didn't realize at first that Liatek was the calf from the prologue.

I really enjoy the ideas in your story, but they are talked about too much. "Show not tell" is the battle cry of Authnomy, and for good reason. Also, your dialogue is excessive. Characters say the same things about three times in every conversation.

Do the math. If you self-publish on Createspace, for example, they charge $150/book, plus $0.02 per page. If you can get 400 words to a page, 500 pages, that's $11.50 for your publishing cost. If you sell it on Amazon, who charge 40% of the list price, then your list price would have to be $20 just to cover your publishing costs.

You also need to do a thorough proof-read. The main problem I noted was misuse of words - "carrion", "bough/bow, lie/lay/laid,verse/versus , mettle/meddle,past/passed, reign/rein Especially, learn what "smirked" means, not just the meaning, but the connotation. No one as dignified as the Prime Buck would ever smirk.

So, much though it may hurt, I believe you need to do what I call a serious "slash and burn" edit, and get this down to barely more than its present size, to make it more readable, and for economic reasons as well.

If you would like to discuss this further, please send me a message. The story was good enough that I read the whole thing, so don't get the impression that I don't like it :-)

Gordon Long
"A Sword Called…Kitten?"



Your review of my book is NOT harsh at all (as you alluded to in your private message to me) rather, it is very honest. They reflect some of the choices that I had to make when writing this book. One of those choices was whether or not to make this book plot/story oriented or character oriented. Originally, I had written this to be story oriented, but it was such a complex plotline that halfway through the book you (the reader) essentially "gave up."
The only way get the reader involved all the way through to the end was to make the reader, "care" enough about the characters to keep reading. That is why the dialog is extensive, and the backstories are extensive, and the descriptions go into such lengthy detail. Since most fantasy novels (at least the ones I've read) are rather long-winded and descriptive as well, I figured this was the best way to go.
As for your critique of my use of English language... *sigh* Guilty as charged. My background is in the Environmental and Forestry fields, not in English or literature. Reading the classics and writing has always been a hobby of mine, rather than a profession -- and my grammar is not all that it could be. Usually, I just "go with my gut" when choosing dialogue. I edited this book about a dozen times... but every time I go through I still find something new to fix. It is a long piece of work, and could use the services of a professional editor, but sooner or later you just have to throw down what you've got and go for it.

chrisalys wrote 1644 days ago

As a shaman in the training i found this really compulsive reading as there are power animals in shamanism. The book will definitely have appeal and it is well written and I've therefore backed it. Good luck with it.

Gordon Long wrote 1644 days ago

Dear Bryan,

Somewhere, hidding in the verbiage, you have a wonderful story. The characters are varied and well-limned, the plotline is complex but holds together well, and the native Indian "teaching story" style is held through almost the whole story. (you fall out of mode a few times near the end)

However, there is nothing in this story to warrant 200.000 words. Your prologues, while necessary to introduce several major characters, spend incredible ink creating other characters who we never see again.

BTW, the timeline of the prologues causes confusion. The Eagle story takes place two years ago, but the Elk story takes place long enough in the past for Liatek to become Herd Leader. With all the words in between, and all the new characters being thrown at me, I didn't realize at first that Liatek was the calf from the prologue.

I really enjoy the ideas in your story, but they are talked about too much. "Show not tell" is the battle cry of Authnomy, and for good reason. Also, your dialogue is excessive. Characters say the same things about three times in every conversation.

Do the math. If you self-publish on Createspace, for example, they charge $150/book, plus $0.02 per page. If you can get 400 words to a page, 500 pages, that's $11.50 for your publishing cost. If you sell it on Amazon, who charge 40% of the list price, then your list price would have to be $20 just to cover your publishing costs.

You also need to do a thorough proof-read. The main problem I noted was misuse of words - "carrion", "bough/bow, lie/lay/laid,verse/versus , mettle/meddle,past/passed, reign/rein Especially, learn what "smirked" means, not just the meaning, but the connotation. No one as dignified as the Prime Buck would ever smirk.

So, much though it may hurt, I believe you need to do what I call a serious "slash and burn" edit, and get this down to barely more than its present size, to make it more readable, and for economic reasons as well.

If you would like to discuss this further, please send me a message. The story was good enough that I read the whole thing, so don't get the impression that I don't like it :-)

Gordon Long
"A Sword Called…Kitten?"

Jane Alexander wrote 1645 days ago

Here as promised. Great premise. I loved Chronicles of Ancient Darkness and this has that feel, without the humans! Probably all the better for it. I really like that this isn't saccharine or Disneyfied. Animals' true natures are respected.
'He was meat, running meat' -yes, absolutely.
Love the 'Curse the trees' speech.... the bear is a wonderfully solid presence.

I really enjoyed this, it's powerful and lean writing. My only quibble is that, given your pitch, I kept expecting wolves and had to wait to meet Coyo'te until, if I remember rightly, Chapter Four.....

This was a surprise for me - I didn't think I'd like it but I really did.
Backed with pleasure and respect.
Jane

Walker

- would love to know your thoughts on mine.....

soutexmex wrote 1646 days ago

BACKING because Simon Swift did and I trust his instincts. Those pitches look perfect as well. Think you can make it to the Ed's desk. I'll swing by later to give you a right and proper comment.

Do look forward to your comments on my book when you get a chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

Urania wrote 1646 days ago

hi Bryan, this is intiguing and beautifully crafted. I'm thinking of the native American mythological tricksters Coyote and Raven here, and assume that's where you were inspired. Makes a change from Greek gods! This is lyrical, evocative and without question a fresh approach to the animal kingdom. I hope you have great success with it. On my shelf for a spin.

nillan wrote 1646 days ago

Bryan,
This is so engaging and well-written. I could imagine this as a new Disney-movie. I am of course backing your story.

Below I see that others have commented on the pig-thing. I, too, was confused for a while.
A few typos (I hope you don't mind):
..our… Ruinaau (2 a's)? What’s the matter?”..
..Ruinau was about to bring it (to) Liatek’s attention,..
I (A) tiny ripple of fear itched its way into Liatek’s heart
The calf called, Ruinau. (no comma)

Well, I really wish you luck with this story, which I find very good.
Nillan
Blue-eyed in Luhya-land

Simon Swift wrote 1646 days ago

Bryan
This is a very clever and interesting little tale! It reminds me a bit of Auster and in my book, that is a good thing! I am looking forward to reading more of this and will comment more when I do, but for now I am happy to shelve!
Simon

Freddie Omm wrote 1647 days ago

there is a lyrical quality to your prose i greatly admire – the prehistoric world is evocatively crafted and we are drawn into the concept of talking animals without question

in places the language used by the elks becomes slightly less authentic and i’d suggest checking and replacing dialogue such as “technically, no” and “fifteen minutes” (slightly harder to imagine them conceptualising in such radically human and non-prehistoric terms?? and maybe better to have their own way of phrasing such concepts?? just a suggestion which you are, of course, free to ignore)


this is a wonderfully dense tome – not entirely suited to online reading, esp. as the font size is so small – but clearly a work of depth and care... three lengthy prologues? i imagine many will appreciate the slow burn, the gradual building towards a story which certainly demands such richness


this is an ambitious and worthy work and i am happy to give it a spin on my rotating shelf

freddie
("honour")

Charles Lamb wrote 1653 days ago

An interesting start to your story with a very gripping chase through the forest. And a philosopher bear! What next! Looking forward to reading on, but meanwhile happy to give it shelf space from what I've read so far. Hope to come back with more comments soon if time permits.
Best of luck
Charles
Tambow

DMC wrote 1654 days ago

Bryan
Grrr… I couldn’t resist. I have other things I really should be doing today but your pitch sank its teeth into me and after thinking ‘oh, just a peek’ I ended up reading the 3 prologue chapters! Oh well, I’m bloody glad I did because this is great. As I already said, I think this book was written for me. I have a passion for primitive culture and folklore, and you really capture this spirit with wonderfully imaginative prose.
I have to say there’s something very bold about having 3 prologues and I like it a lot but do expect resistance to this unorthodox approach. Maybe consider weaving these chapters into the main story later? I don’t know. I’ll pick up with Ch1 when I get a chance and come back to you with any more ideas I get.
Shelved with pleasure,
David
Green Ore

DMC wrote 1654 days ago

I've only read your pitch so far, and oh my - this book was written for me!!!
I'll be back with more comments after a read...
Speak soon.
David
Green Ore

CDV wrote 1655 days ago

This is an adult novel with adult themes, beautifully done. Make one of the animals a youngster and I could see this as a Disney movie, not the whimsical kind, but the more dark and brooding variety. I didn't read to the end though, so maybe I'd change my mind by then. Regardless, splendid writing, so I'm shelving it.

Roe wrote 1655 days ago

Well, if you have had a chance to look at Crooked Rooks you will understand why I am enjoying this. Clearly we have different target markets, but I am so pleased to have found a writer brave enough to aim an anthropomorphic book at adults. As I have found out, anthropomorphism is not popular at the moment but I hope we can change that trend.

I like the voice you have throughout this which is conveying the era of the time you are writing. Good luck with this and delighted to put it on my shelf

Cas P wrote 1655 days ago

Hi Bryan.

I have now read prologues 1 and 2, and here are some thoughts.

Firstly I liked the writing, and I also liked the 'parable' feel of each story. In the first, Liatek clearly learns the advantages and pitfalls of courage. In the second, Talon learns the folly of pride and the advisability of understanding your enemy. The eagles' story rather reminded me of William Horwood's 'Stonor Eagles.'

What I didn't grasp was the reason for *two* prologues, and why these stories were included in a book which the pitch says is about a wolf and a raven. Had I read on I imagine I'd eventually have found out. Maybe you ought to include a line explaining these prologues in the pitch.

I thought you brought the animals to life in a (mainly) convincing way. I do have some knowledge of wildlife and there were certain aspects of both stories that concerned me. In the first, when Liatek and Ruinau are wandering off, you say: 'For an animal that lives and roams with the herd, independence is a dream.' That to me was a contradiction. To a herd animal, independence usually means risk and frequently death. They are herd animals for a reason and that reason is safety. Maybe you should alter this and make more of Liatek's usualness in wanting to explore by himself.
Then we have the line: 'Liatek was just like any other elk; he heard nothing.' That didn't sound right either. Elk may be large but they are still essentially prey animals. Liatek's senses would be alive to any sounds of a possible predator, even more so because he was away from the safety of the herd.
Sorry if these comments sound a bit anal. I have no problem with an animal doing something it wouldn't normally do, it's just that I think you should stress that the behaviour *is* unusual. This would also make the story stand out more.
In the eagle story, I thought the descriptions of the fight were very well done. My only slight crit was of your description of Javelin's feathers. An eagle whose feathers were not preened flat and perfect would not be able to fly as superbly as Javelin. This may sound a bit nit-picky, but it's what birds do. Especially top predators like eagles.

I also saw a few errors, but I won't list them here. The only other thing that stood out was when Ruinau was trying to work out where the meadow was. You say he and Liatek were on the bluff but then you say they could see half-way up the bluff to where the meadow was. Then they climb to the top of the bluff and the bear chases Liatek back down it and far away back to the meadow. This confused me a bit!

Oh, and keep a watch on those exclamation marks. You have way too many. If you read the sentences that have them, I think you would see that you could easily remove the majority - if not all of them.

Anyway, nits aside I thought this was very well written and a fascinating read. Happy to shelve.
Cas.
KING'S ENVOY

KJKron wrote 1660 days ago

Your writing is crisp as we take on the POV of animals of the woods. The bold elk is really quite stupid. The the bear seems wise - well, he is older. A tense case and and intersting ending to the first chapter. This is quite entertaining - and well written. Shelved.

moussacoyle wrote 1660 days ago

I had Liatek use the word, "pig" as sort of an insult to the bear. I couldn't think of anything else a young elk might call a bear if he wanted to insult him. I would use a different term if this seems too confusing or leads the reader down the wrong direction (I intentionally did not mention him as a bear in the beginning to create an air of mystery and menace about him -- perhaps I need to readdress this).

Bryan

Bryan,

I was mistaken on the "pig" comment. After re-reading it (loved it that much) I saw my error. When you were first describing the young elk as he was seeing the bear for the first time, you used the word "big" multiple times. So many in fact that it somehow becam "pig" because I was searching the back of my brain for the type of animal it was. I saw someone else made this mistake also. You might consider ending the description with another word...possibly huge...or massive. Other than that I am still loving it.

Jason C. wrote 1660 days ago

Bryan,

I was mistaken on the "pig" comment. After re-reading it (loved it that much) I saw my error. When you were first describing the young elk as he was seeing the bear for the first time, you used the word "big" multiple times. So many in fact that it somehow becam "pig" because I was searching the back of my brain for the type of animal it was. I saw someone else made this mistake also. You might consider ending the description with another word...possibly huge...or massive. Other than that I am still loving it.

Janetlynn wrote 1660 days ago

I started reading this book thinking I would not enjoy a story about animals. How can I really get into the characters or become one of them if their animals? As soon as the plotting to misbehave and stir up trouble I was interested. By the time the chase began I was hooked. Excelent! I have to finish the book and can't wait to do so.

Shelved

Janet

Jason C. wrote 1660 days ago

Very impressive story. Well paced and intriguing. I wasn't sure how/why the pig transformed into a bear mid story, but the pace of the story kept my attention and made that a mute point as I continued to read. Excellent characters, smooth style, and well thought. This grabbed my attention and held on. Exceptional.

Elaina wrote 1660 days ago

This is a well-crafted and intriguing work, a parable of sorts with truly interesting characters. I can only imagine the amount of work it must have taken to get all the bits to, well, gel. Argh, that sounds terrible- I clearly don't have your way with words. To make your animal characters believable you have to know the animals, therefore the research that puts it together. Better?

You have achieved something extraordinary.

Shelved.

All the best
Elaina

Andrew W. wrote 1661 days ago

The Wisdom of the Wolf

Hi Bryan

What an interesting and brave piece of writing. Richards Adams did this with Rabbits of all things and you are trying to do the same mould-breaking thing here. The prehistoric forest works well as a backdrop, there'll be lots of interest in that. An intriguing enough first chapter, a kind of prehistoric soap opera danced to nature's beat. The writing is smooth and carefully constructed, there are not bits that jag or bump us out of the story, you have edited this well. What a fun idea, I will come back to read more, two chapters in so far and it is engaging and warm and what's more I am learning stuff. Thank you for the originality and courage in getting animals speaking again in a book targeted at adults, onto my shelf for a while.

I would be interested in your thoughts on my book, best wishes

Andrew W.
(Sanctuary's Loss)

TheLoriC wrote 1662 days ago

What an original concept! Realistic, well-paced dialogue and outstanding characters throughout the book. I am making room on my shelf for this. Best wishes to you!

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

Kim Jewell wrote 1665 days ago

Hi Bryan!

This is a very inventive, fresh premise, and you follow it up with imaginative characters and believable dialogue. Very well written, colorful and engaging! On my shelf!

Kim
Invisible Justice

moussacoyle wrote 1666 days ago

Updated Prologue, splitting into three parts

Bryan

moussacoyle wrote 1666 days ago

Updated Prologue and Chapter 1

Bryan Coyle

moussacoyle wrote 1666 days ago

ML Hamilton,

Thankyou for your critique, I truly appreciate all the wonderful input I am getting from every one of my fellow writers who takes the time to comment on my work.
As far as the length of the first chapter, I have recieved that criticism before with this. The problem with rectifying this is that this is simply the prologue for the book... setting up the backstory for some important characters in the main story. As you may have read in the synopsis, this is the story about a Wolf and a Bird, but neither of the two appear in the prologue. I had thought about excluding one of the three parts of the prologue, but they were all so intrinsic to setting up the psychological makeup of their respective characters -- perhaps I could chop up the buffalo sequence to tailor it down.

Once again, I appreciate your input. I know part of the problem is that I am so long-winded behind my keyboard, but writing is all about discipline.

Bryan

Bryan,

First off, I really enjoyed the two sections of this that I read. I loved the bear, although I couldn't understand why you called him a pig for a great part of the story. Did you mean to do that? His personality was priceless, and the way he let the young elk go was great.

I also enjoyed the part about the eagles. I could invision their entire fight.

I have to tell you that I didn't make it though the buffalos. This chapter is too long and needs to be broken into separate chapters at each of the different animal stories.

Beyond that, I picked up a few grammatical errors. "Irregardless" is not a word. It's "regardless". And how does someone have more common sense than sense? That sentence didn't make "sense" to me.

Other than these things and the length, I thought it was inventive and entertaining. A true delight to read.

On my shelf,

ML

ML Hamilton wrote 1666 days ago

Bryan,

First off, I really enjoyed the two sections of this that I read. I loved the bear, although I couldn't understand why you called him a pig for a great part of the story. Did you mean to do that? His personality was priceless, and the way he let the young elk go was great.

I also enjoyed the part about the eagles. I could invision their entire fight.

I have to tell you that I didn't make it though the buffalos. This chapter is too long and needs to be broken into separate chapters at each of the different animal stories.

Beyond that, I picked up a few grammatical errors. "Irregardless" is not a word. It's "regardless". And how does someone have more common sense than sense? That sentence didn't make "sense" to me.

Other than these things and the length, I thought it was inventive and entertaining. A true delight to read.

On my shelf,

ML

Patricia wrote 1667 days ago

I really like the concept of this book. It has a lot going for it.

Perhaps if the elk were more noble. I cannot imagine a chuckling elk.
Thank you, Patricia

A.P. Shinners wrote 1667 days ago

Hi Bryan,
Well paced, well written, only one thing, could you make the text bigger, only for an easier read ;-)
I also liked the different pov of the animals.
shelved for purely selfish reasons ( keeping it to read more)

A.P

soutexmex wrote 1669 days ago

Here in regards to our agreed upon swap. Both pitches are spot on! This is Jonathan Livingston Seagull for wolves! SHELVED!

I do look forward to your comments on my book. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

JJ Palooka wrote 1670 days ago

Damn good.

On my shelf.

=Miles=

Cloudy Em wrote 1671 days ago

very good story :) enjoyed it very much!

Claudia, Morph

andyroo wrote 1671 days ago

That's an interesting voice you've got, and it matches the unusual perspective of the narrative well. I enjoyed the mystical feel to your work, and the characters, the way they came across with their own distinct personalities worked to good effect. The only thing I spotted whilst reading was a sentence with the word, 'hill,' in it about three times in quick succession. Other than that, interesting, very interesting.

Andrew

Alecia Stone wrote 1671 days ago

Hi Bryan,

Welcome to Authonomy.

This is very well written and is an intriguing story. What a wonderful imagination you have. What colourful characters you have, and the dialogue is spot on. I did notice a few punctuation errors, but nothing a good edit couldn't fix.

"Yessss(.)" Liatek grinned(.) "Of course. I replaced the commas with periods as what separates the dialogue is't a dialogue tag but an action/gesture. I've read that unless you follow dialogue with a dialogue tag he/she said, use a period to end the dialogue as opposed to a comma. Another example would be: Goldenwing laughed(.) "Haha! That's the spirit!" If you had said: Goldenwing said as opposed to laughed then you could use the comma.

Other than a few punctuation errors, this is very well written. It was a fascinating read, and although the chapters are a little long, I thought the pacing worked well.

shelved!

shinzy :)

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