Book Jacket


rank 5917
word count 18887
date submitted 22.09.2009
date updated 09.11.2009
genres: Romance, Science Fiction, Fantasy, ...
classification: moderate

Silent Whispers


Kidnapped by teenage aliens, claiming to be human.
Forced to have faith in their lies.
All hope rests in a 17 year old girl.


Twilight Vs. Independence Day

Taylor never expected to be kidnapped, let alone by aliens.

Who was really trying to save her?

Taylor didn't understand their reasons for abducting her. They promised they were the good guys. They told her she had to keep a key safe, from evil men that wanted to kill her.

Everyone was lying.

She rebelled against their claims. She was unable to have faith that their stories were real. She was confronted with the inability to decide who the real 'bad' guys were.

With news that her parents have been murdered, she falls into dispair. Finding out her life had been intangled in this deceit for generations.

The kidnappers will challenge everything she thought was real. When she finds out that her kidnappers are really aliens, that have been manipulating her, she breaks free. But the love she found with one of them will threaten her escape.

They whisper: How could she have ever have known.
That our world was on the brink,
of another mass extermination.
Desctruction that have been used throughout history.

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abduction, alien evolution, alien romance, compassion, cult, culture, drama, earth aliens, evolution, fight against evil, ghost whispers, hostage, key...

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Chapter 1

Chapter 1 Kidnapped

Taylor watched the final moments of twilight. It was her favorite time of night. The last of the golden light slipped behind southern Utah's crimson mountains. The reason favored this time of night, was the deception it created on the horizon. Just like magic, the red rock peaks appeared engulfed in flames.


She strolled down the hill to the park, a meeting spot of for the end of the school-year party. She bubbled with excitement. She would be curfew free tonight, as she would be spending the night at her best friend Maddy’s house.


 Someone crashed into Taylor's back, as she approached the 6-foot hedge surrounding the park. She frantically flapped her arms to ward off the fall. Merciless gravity, along with brute force, hurled her forward. Her palms scraped against the rough walkway, receiving the brunt of the impact.


 No, it wasn't a person pinning her to the sun-baked ground. A reeking creature sat atop her, its claws digging into her flesh, sending stinging sparks through her. Her mind raced, what kind of creature had attacked her. Would she die a must horrible death? Held so tightly to the ground she could hardly turn her head to look around. The menace placed increasing pressure into her backside, as she attempted to break free.

“Help,” she screamed.

Her arms trembled as she tried to push her upper body up, against the weight... Her petite form hardly moved against the weight. The creature responded with razor-sharp claws pressed stiffly into her backside. Not wanting to bleed to death, she slumped back to the pavement. A snarl rippled through the air. Black ink-like droplets sprayed Taylor's arms and face. The stench of decay grew unbearable.


Another pathetic “help,” escaped Taylor's lips. Her best friend Maddy was waiting for her on the other side of the block. They were going to ride together for the biggest party of the year. Maddy would call for help, or rescue her, from the beast if she heard her.


Crushed on the sidewalk, and managing a flood of nausea, her ribs ground into the cement.


Before the animal could consume her, two black-clad people, pulled-up next to the sidewalk. She could hear the hum of the car. Was it the police, here to rescue her? Only able to see their feet swiftly dart around her. The creature did not waver upon seeing others enter the scene. Its considerable weight held steadfast, as it growled at them.


A muffled gunshot discharged near her. Taylor screamed, and then flinched at the sudden noise. There should have been an echo against the surrounding mountainside, but it never rang out. No one spoke to her, or checked to see if she okay.


Another sound of flesh impacting flesh and the weight was lifted off her. Before she could raise herself, an officer wrenched her arm, pulling her to a standing position.


“Hurry we are trying to save you” She turned to see a guy dressed all in black. Her eyes darted behind her. His partner, engaged in a predatory circular dance, distracting the beast. A female officer waved a gun at the animal engaging it away from them.


Taylor was guided to a small car, waiting with an open door. Unaware if the threat remained, she slid inside willingly. She pressed her forehead against the cool glass, to see the giant, hairless, gray beast chased away by the gun-toting policewoman. The creature bound right past her window.


Fangs so long they fell far below the short muzzle, dripping with black saliva. The horrible part, the monster's glowing blood-red eyes, disturbing to see on any living animal. Rows of long sharp quills protruded from its spine. The quills bounced as it scurried away. A familiar trench-coated man followed the animal now.


She had seen him before. He had lurked by her home earlier that day. She thought back to when she had seen him earlier that day. On her walk home from school. It troubled her, his presence entirely out of place. With temperatures near 100 degrees, at that time. She thought he must have been insane to wear that clothing. She even had called her Mom and almost the police. He must be following her, how did he fit into this puzzle.


The car roared to life, her attention to those in front. She grasped the smooth leather bench under her fingertips. The sidewalk-street lights offered little illumination of the interior. She could see two teenagers. No not the police but these guys did help her. The one obscured by the driver's seat, appeared to be female, black curls peeked around her chair. The passenger, a teenage guy, close to Taylor's own age.


"Hey, thanks for...what-ever you did back there. I need to go home, could take me to the corner on Stonebridge Drive?”

She tightened her grip on her backpack; the car lurched forward with another surge of acceleration. At this pace, they would be out of the city in a minute. She looked at the passenger, raising her brows at him. Why didn't he respond to her request?

He looked her over, before turning back around in his seat.


"Fox, ask her what she did with the key.” The female voice drifted back at her, the tone sophisticated yet filled with agitation.


The request puzzled Taylor. What key are they talking about, like a set of keys? Everything was happening so fast she was confused.


"Give us back our key; we know you have it.”


Tall, dark, and handsome just became the understatement of the century. Evidently, he was a slave to the gym; or involved with school sports. Large brown eyes, more than just hot-he was gorgeous.


They must be new to the area, how did someone like him escape her best friend's radar. Maddy kept tabs on the newbie's in school.


"My keys are with my car, and that's none of your business. Jokes up, you don't need to play along anymore. Please take me to the police station now. I think that guy back there, was following me. I want to call my parents, before they go back to the house." She grabbed the edge of his front seat, to steady herself.


"No, you don't get it. We have to talk about the key, we saw you take it this afternoon, hand it over,” he said sternly, holding his hand out.


She could see his intense brown eyes glaring at her, far from a friendly stare. BFF Maddy, the most beautiful girl in the school, so charming she always got what she wanted. This had her mark all over it. She must have found this hot guy to prank her like this. They had pranked each other before, but this just upped them all to a new level.


"Okay…Maddy wins. Did she do this, set this trick up? Talk about one hell of a joke, having the creepy man in the trench coat stalk me. Just so you guys know; I almost called the police this afternoon. That sinister guy completely freaked me out. He stalked my neighborhood, hiding behind bushes. Oh, and that creature, don’t even tell me. I don't care; just take me home.”


"Fox,” it came from the girl driving, her tone revealed her displeasure of the situation.


"Do you have a sphere with you, a perfect sphere, and golden with inscribed characters?” He used his hands to approximate the size.


So, now it all made sense. Somehow, that stupid ball would play into this drama. Not the first time today, the ball became a nuisance. Taylor stumbled on it. She found it obscured in the dirt she hadn't even seen it. Rather she had tripped on it, falling in the least graceful way. Her pride took the brunt of the injury, as several witnessed her fall. She had examined the offender, a mud-crusted gold ball, lying in the dirt. The intricate symbol markings were fascinating, perhaps something valuable- so she kept it.


"Oh, you're talking about the gold golf ball thingy. You shouldn't have left your 'so-called key' in a pile of excavation dirt. What a horrible place to keep it. It must be your lucky day. I happen to have the ball in my backpack.”


Taylor pushed back her light-brown hair, tucking it behind her ear. She unzipped her backpack. The gold ball sat in the front pocket. Her main compartment of the backpack was filled with clothes for a sleepover. Despite there being no light, the ball shimmered giving off an ice blue glare. The light surprised her, a gold ball reflecting ice blue. This she didn't expect. Not that it mattered; the ball apparently belonged to them.


"Take your ball; I didn't steal it. If that's what you're implying, I'm sorry if you thought that.” She tossed the ball to Fox, who caught it with a single hand. She held her bag closer, waiting for them to pull over, better yet turn-around. He lobbed the ball right back into her lap.


"Hey! You said you wanted your stupid key. What's wrong with you, are you deaf, I asked to be let out?” Taylor didn't care if she sounded angry, and no amount of good looks justified their bad manners. She scowled at him, wishing he could see her displeasure.


Taylor dropped the ball back into the unzipped compartment of her backpack. She leaned back into the bench, shaking her head trying to understand why they were being so weird about this. They had long passed the city, driving pass the edge of the residential neighborhoods, away from civilization. First, a creepy guy stalks her, and then a monster leapt on her back and now this.


"She activated the key, Kat.Fox said.


The driver name is Kat, probably short for Katherine. She would have chosen something like Kat too. Katherine was so old-fashion, and dull.


They moved quickly, the car subtly weaved between the others on the road, moving out of the condensed traffic. The powerful engine revved with the acceleration. They rushed. It was an ominous sign. These two must be involved in a devious plan; Taylor wanted no part of it, clearly, now she was still in danger.


Fox scrutinized Taylor, the unexpected gesture making her uncomfortable. She slid away from him across the bench, closer to the door. Who did they think they were, racing along the edge of town? Let them speed, and then the police would notice their recklessness. Hopefully she could get out of this situation.


"Are you sure Fox, it was glowing? Get it back; I want to see for myself.” Kat asked.

“Yes, they key is active like the other one we've observed. She'll have to keep it now.”


Kat slammed her hands against the steering wheel. The thud heard throughout the car.

“Damn it Fox, we're too late...”


Taylor noticed they had left the city, and traveled the black, deserted freeway of the southwest Utah desert. This wasn't a joke, in that moment she realized the events of her day were all related, and being stuck in this car was the greatest threat to her safety. She breathed a sharp breath in, holding it as she tried to make sense of her situation.


“Fox, Kat you guys need to let me out, this isn't funny. I don't understand where you’re taking me?" her voice quivered at the end, unable to conceal her distress.


She waited; bit her lip trying to figure out why they didn't respond. Being polite wasn't getting anywhere she needed a different approach.


"My Dad is an attorney, he'll inform the district attorney to go easy on you. I'll tell them this was all a mistake; you didn't mean to take me. I didn't know the ball belonged to anyone. I found it abandoned, on the edge of that construction site. I'll make this easy; you can just pull-over here. ”


"Your life just went down a different road; there isn't anything we can change.” His cryptic message made no sense. She shook her head 'no' at the outstretched hand, pressing herself further into the seat. He looked normal, not like a demon who stole teenage girls from the roadside. Unwilling to engage with him, she forced her eyes back to the window.


"Please you don't want to do this, just let me out of this car.” She said curtly, refusing to look him in the eyes. Taylor didn't recognize the direction the car traveled. The moonless night made it so dark outside; she was unable to determine the familiar rocky landmarks.


Full blast, air-conditioner filled the silence. She hugged her arms around her, the trendy-gauzy tank top no match for the chilled air. She dressed up to attend a weekend high-school party with her friends, not kidnapped. She had spent hours doing her hair, and even her make-up, now it would be ruined. Her blue eyes gave into the welling tears.


"I'm sorry, this all our fault. My mistake in timing has resulted in your tremendous situation. You're not going home.” the words faded, like he changed his mind about uttering them.


Kat snapped around to Fox. Taylor could see her fine slender facial features. Perfectly even bronze skin; this wasn't a case of a sun-worshiper.


"You shouldn't have enlightened her, once she hears the truth she will freak. You better get the medicated spray-can from the glove compartment.” Surely, they didn't mean she would never go home. Her heart raced, every horrible headline her Dad ever forced her to read, playing in her mind like a looped videotape. The imagined headlines of her disappearance would be all over the news.


"Noooo,” she screamed the panic pulsed through her body.


She lunged for the doors, jamming fingers into any crevice to find the handles. The handles snapped back, childproofed or victim-proof. She did the next best thing she could think of, by wildly kicking their seats, pushing her toes hard against the leather. Her foot smashing into their seats, until one landed on her target. Nothing respectable happened to kidnapped victims; she would face the highway before she went with them.


Her Dad said, “Fight and scream like crazy.” Her Dad would know, day in- and- out he prosecuted criminals like this.


"You can't do this to me." Taylor screamed her voice breaking as she fought against their seats.


She reached around the seats, determined to scratch their eyeballs. Her actions seemed futile; she believed her life depended on the fight. Kat braked sharply, smashing Taylor shoulders into the front seats. Then momentum tossed her to the bench, landing on her back forcefully.


Kat exploded out of the car, throwing open Taylor's door. She scrambled to the other side of the bench, afraid of Kat's angry intentions.


"Kat, don't...she'll settle down.” He sounded concerned as he rushed to Kat's side. Armed with an aerosol can, Kat's trigger finger on the nozzle, she held it up above Taylor menacingly. She slowly leaned into the rear of the car.


What a funny item for Kat to use as a weapon. Would she attack her with hairspray, that can't be all that dreadful? She could escape; somehow slip past them running into the desert. Kat's fiendish grin was illuminated by a single dome-light overhead, it casting intimidating shadows down her features.


Kat seemed a mirror opposite of Taylor. Light-brown layered hair, icy blue eyes with a dark rim, and shorter than a ninth grader she would never measure up to someone like Kat. Kat's beauty entranced Taylor. Distracted by her exotic looks, and long and lean she looked like she just stepped off the runway.


Kat sprayed Taylor before she could block the stream with her hands. Her time was running short she lunged for the gap between Kat and the door. Taylor could have moved, but her feet seemed to be stuck in knee-high mud. She slumped to her side splayed on the bench sideways.


"What did you do to me?” Her speech slurred.


Waving the cool mist away from her face, it had no scent. She held her breath, avoiding the fog. Her vision the last to go, everything growing blurry and fading into darkness.



Streaming sunlight glared into her face, the warmth spreading across her sun flushed cheeks. The light isn't what tugged her from slumber. The most-detestable odor, capable of waking the dead summoned her from sleep. She gulped; the smell wrenched her stomach. She held off the burst of crippling nausea. The stench was a gross mixture of rotten-eggs, decayed flesh, and burnt hair. Worse yet the smell seemed to be materializing from her.


“Our cargo is waking up, pull-over up there. She needs another dose of the spray.”


“Let her be Kat, she'll be certain to conduct herself like an adult. The smell is awful; the Chupacabra must have slobbered on her.”


“We'll never get rid of, the putrid odor back there. I would rather tackle a skunk any day.”


She recognized those voices. Taylor struggled with the confusion in her head. The fog distorted the whispers drifting through her mind. Her brain labored to categorize their expressions. She opened her eyes; lying on the bench of a car.


In addition to her sickness, desperation was uncovered as she recalled her experiences from the night. She succumbed to sleep; her last memory of an aerosol can aimed at her face. Why her, she had tried to give back their ball. Her head throbbed, and in a single movement, she swung her feet around to sit up.


She searched the sky, seeing how far the sun traveled. His dark eyes watched her from the mirror. Fox observed her behind the wheel, time-to-time checking the road. What request could she use? She already begged, pleaded, and threatened for her freedom. Fierce kicks and screams had resulted in forced naptime. Taylor let her headrest on the cold window, the countryside flashed quickly past. Sitting upright had reminded her she needed to use the restroom. She shifted her weight, crossing her legs. Taylor hoped to reduce the expanding pressure in her bladder.


“Do you need something?” Fox said. The compassion in his voice, obviously fake, that much she could tell. His considerate nature just another ploy, he obviously was playing a game.


“I really need to pee, can you please stop somewhere?” Taylor said, crossing her legs tighter. A deliberate action, so he would recognize her seriousness.


Fox chose a small store far from the highway. Their stop, a run-down, peeled paint exterior, hardly in business, one-pump gas shop. Very few patrons used this station. The cost of fuel scared them back to the franchises near the highway. Perhaps an opportunity would come; her eyes investigated the surroundings.


Taylor needed someone's attention long enough, for them to remember her face. She was confident her disappearance would be all-over the news. Her optimism diminished as they pulled to the rear of the property. Two exterior bathrooms, the probability of this being a random choice faded.


Kat twisted in her seat; her long fingers gripped the edge of Fox's chair. Sizeable brown eyes devoid of sympathy looked down on Taylor.


"You get to make a decision Taylor, come inside without any resistance. Alternatively, you may choose to ride in the trunk my way. It is up to you, and how you conduct yourself here.” Kat ended her orders with a wicked smile.


Taylor agreed right away to obey those terms. She had no doubt Kat would spray her like an irritating bug, knocking her out into a dreamless sleep. Then they would stuff her sleeping body, into their airless trunk of the car. Just thinking about it made her shudder. Kat meant those words; something terrible had made Kat a cruel, callused person.


Taylor pressed several times on the soap dispenser. She released a tiny dribble of pink goo. A ruthless prison guard, Kat had hauled her in the bathroom, watching over her the whole time. Kat's height was intimidating 5'9 or 5'10, enough to tower over Taylor. Kat folded her arms across her chest, prepared to frighten off any visitor, with an evil stare alone.


Taylor fought the smell clinging to her. She scrubbed up and down the length of her arms. Water running all over her clothes as she tried to rinse off the suds. The abrasive paper towels hardly lessened the smell embedded on her skin.


Kat's impatient toe tapped, sounding against the sticky cement floor. Taylor felt no need to examine herself in the neglected foggy mirror. Not that she would even be able to see her reflection, it is smeared state.


She knew her hair, makeup, and clothes would be in shambles. The unpleasant smell remained; along with bits of paper-lint trailed up her arms. She smelled like cheap soap and decay, how fitting.


"We're leaving!” Kat demanded, ending Taylors cleaning session.


The car sat idling, the trunk left wide open. Kats message still in-force she meant business. Kat resumed driving; Fox sat in the passenger seat.


He sifted through a brown-paper bag. "Do you want a snack?” Fox held up a bag of puffy cheese chips.


“Water, if you've got any on hand? Really, any drink will do?” Taylor said, hoping they would bring the most basic of necessities.


This wasn't her most unlucky day ever. Fox tossed her a bottle of cold water. She guzzled the water all at once. When she went to set the bottle on the floor, she noticed her backpack disappeared.


"Hey where is my bag?” Taylor made no attempt to hide the irritation in her voice. She saw Fox lean forward, handling something at his feet.


"Watch out, here it comes!” He tossed the bag over his shoulder. It dropped directly into her outstretched hands. He returned to throwing cheese-puffs back into his mouth, never missing a single throw. They went through her bag; disheveled clothing carelessly stuffed back inside. Her wallet might have escaped their detection.


Like most teens, she carried a phone with her. That quite possibly would become the biggest regret of her life. A terrible decision to leave it home, lying on her bed. All so her parent's calls could innocently avoided. She had felt so clever at the time. That feeling evaporated into painful regret. The slim pocket was empty.


"Are you searching for something, Taylor Miller?” Kat's taunt hung in the air. Taylor chose a muted response, not wanting to provide the mean girl any additional fodder. There was an excellent chance Kat would tell her exactly where the wallet hid. It's was easy to imagine the heinous smile, from her mocking tone.


Kat wiggled Taylor's wallet, just above her shoulder. Then quickly withdrew it out of sight. “I needed to get your name and address. I am going to keep this safe; I thought you would appreciate my kindness.”


She had run-ins with cruel girls, but nothing like this. Kat so beautiful, she could have had anything in the world, choosing instead to participate in heinous crimes. Taylor's money and identification out of reach, in the hands of a nefarious witch.


Taylor wiped the tears with the back of her hand, forcing herself to draw a long breath. Refusing to break into the sob stalked her; she tried to hide the sniffles of runaway tears. Cold, heartless teenagers, more-so than the usual variety she encountered. Not an ounce of fight left all she could do was watch the, dark-green conifer forest fLong past southern Utah, they must have crossed into another state maybe two.


She tried to calculate the hours that had passed. Guessing they been driving for ten hours or more. Unsure how long the medicated sleep time lasted, the number of hours she slept, a fiddly-guess at best. They turned onto a country road, with no traffic.


Tall, rigid-grey, steep mountains appeared; the tops looked like they had been drizzled in white paint. Dark forest crept up the mountainsides. She reflected on the last twenty-four hours, questioning every decision leading to this moment. Leaving her phone home, forever she would regret that choice. Remorse from her actions to walk home from school cascaded through her.


“If you think you’re the only one, disappointed, get over it Fox. I sacrificed everything to get the key, so many years...gone. She ruined my destiny.” Fox looked back at Taylor; perhaps he too faulted her for this. Compassion or pity clouded his eyes.


If she guessed right, she saw pity.


"We need to talk to Grandmother; she will tell us what to do.” Fox said his voice seemed calm.


"I'll drive faster, no need to call her yet." Kat said turning her head to smile at Fox.


"Kat, like you need a reason to drive faster. I imagine Grandmother senses the assignment is unsuccessful.” He teased Kat, nudging her arm. The closeness between them, an indication of something, she just couldn't figure out what it was.


Taylor couldn't figure out, far too fatigued. She worked to commit their features to her memory. When rescued, she would describe them in precise detail. Taylor worried, how would she tell them her abductors resembled runway models? They didn't match any notorious stereotype that she knew. What if the authorities didn't believe her story, how would she explain the monster that attacked her? With perfect tans, their swarthy skin may just be an indication of heritage. Fox sported the fashionable-disheveled hairstyle. A manner most adults would think he hadn't bothered to fix his hair that day. Their eyes, a dark-chocolate color almost black, and a trait she could easily remember. Kidnapped by gorgeous captors, attacked by a hairless beast, who in their right mind would fall for that?


“Well Grandmother is going to be thrilled, someone new to fuss over. She hasn't had a new pet for a while. Kat, she would still braid your hair if you'd let her.”


Fox teased her; it seemed like a risky undertaking. The two of them responded to the playful jabs as if it were common. Kat seemed engrossed in driving fast. How she managed to speed without plunging them off the mountain; that was a miracle.


Several hours later, the car stopped gradually in front of a black-iron gate. Kat pushed an overhead remote control. The signal opened the heavy gate. Taylor welcomed the paved road with bright eyes. She grew tired of the choking dust, and bone-jarring bumps of the dirt road.


The first building they passed on the private road, a small building, impossible to accommodate human occupants. A short distance further, rolling hillsides, carpeted in long green grassy meadows. The natural green composed of long green grass, mingled with bright colored wildflowers. If that was picturesque, enough butterflies danced above the flowers. A large barn came into view, logs and planks of rusty-brown wood paneled the building. The roof made of long-green sheets of metal. White and gray horses stood in corrals, lifting their heads as they passed.


The countryside different from her own home, red rocks, and desert plants seemed dry and drab here. Taylor still missed them, longing to be home more than ever. The building in front of them, so large it looked like a hotel. Camouflaged, adorned in brown flat stones, coffee colored round logs, and a metal roof much like the barn. The building blended into the background.


They pulled up to one of several garage doors. Kat reached and pushed another button bringing the garage door to life. Rows of expensive cars lined in precise rows. Very expensive vehicles, it spoke volumes of their wealth.


Maybe they took people hostage; it would explain the lavish vehicles. Her parents would buy her freedom. With no doubt, her Dad would pay a substantial amount of money. He would do anything to bring her home. Even her Mom, so distant with societal involvement, would do anything for her return. What a corrupt way to earn a living, using a child as a bargaining chip.


Taylor bit her bottom lip, waiting for them as they exited the ride. The car doors shut almost simultaneous. They hardly spoke to each other, as if they read each other's minds.


"Get your bag Taylor" Kat shouted. Almost forgotten she slung over her shoulder. She stood between them, hardly reaching their shoulders. Fox grabbed her by her elbow, guiding her to door on the other side of the stuffy room. The finger print restricted zone meant one thing. This would be for more complicated than Taylor ever imagined.




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DMC wrote 1652 days ago

I don't think I've ever read anything quite like this.
Just put you on my 'read entire upload' list. ;-)
Shelved with pleasure
Green Ore

Candi Wall wrote 1665 days ago

Hi Michelle,

This is not my usual genre - I should say the alien aspect LOL. But I loved it.

You have a great YA voice, and having four children, I've read and had read to me and had to find NUMEROUS books that would hopefully engage my children who all at one point were reluctant readers now turned rabid.

The pace is great, and your word usage is excellent. This is one I'll definitly let my 14 yr old have a peek at and see what her initial reaction is.

Shelved - and I'll come back to let you know what she thinks.

Candi Wall
(What She was Missing)

Elaina wrote 1669 days ago

Hi Michelle

An action-packed tale with imagination, perfectly suited to YA. You seem to know your target market's tastes and I think this will do real well.

Rightly shelved.

All the best further

Neeky78 wrote 1165 days ago

Hi! I’m adding your book to my watch list to check out tomorrow (I’m off to bed now!).
I also write YA and would appreciate if you could check out my book LOVE IN THE FAMILY.

lizjrnm wrote 1506 days ago

Superb plot! Very well written and polished = BACKED 100% Chill factor!

The Cheech Room

Jupiter Echoes wrote 1550 days ago


I get very little from comments about my own book, nowadays. Some people like it, some don't. Some people are too frightened to leave genuine feedback, while others seek to enforce their own style upon me. I want to get to the Ed's Desk to get professional comment. I would rather spend 30 quid than do all this reading and backing. I have got everything I want out of Authonomy community already. So I am backing your book so that you can reach the Ed's desk and get professional feedback, instead of the platitudes and devious backings that account for 80% of backing you receive. Only 20% of comments are genuine, and will add value to your work.

Now, who am I not to back you? I am not godlike. Your work might be flatly written, unoriginal or even down right bad. It could be wonderful. But in my experience, only you can be honest with yourself about your writing... and that is what matters.

So, I am backing you so you can reach the Ed's desk.

There you are.


Hope you reciprocate.

If you end up leaving a comment that adds value to Dream Diamond, I will return to your book and give it a thorough read and comment.

bluewriter wrote 1583 days ago

Backed once. Will back again. Good read.

bonalibro wrote 1609 days ago

A fine piece of work. Don't give up the fight and you'll make it. Now watch me give you lots of points back just to encourage you to keep on trying. I'll bet you go from 499 to 491. Lets see.

Helena wrote 1623 days ago

Hi Michelle, I was taking, like taylor, straight into the action. I like the way the reader discovers what is going on in bits and pieces just like your main character, its really well done. There is a lot of open ended questions which is great as it makes me want to read on, a must for any book. Its on my shelf. Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

lisawb wrote 1627 days ago

This is quite compelling, I love the description of the creature at the beginning, and then the idea of the golden sphere with the key is very creative. I liked Taylor and felt she was quite spunky. The pace is fast which engages the reader and the mystery behind makes you want to read on. I will not comment on the editing as I am still learning. A good entertaining read and shelved.

ww Lisa (A fine line)

Shayne Parkinson wrote 1627 days ago

Shell, I've read the first three chapters. Taylor is a nicely-drawn character, a very realistic seventeen-year-old who I felt sympathetic to at once. The book has a great start, putting the reader as off-balance as poor Taylor is!

From what I've read, and from your pitch, you have a good plot here, with lots of fascinating details. Your characters are good, too, especially the terminally angry Kat!

You've said you want honest comments, so I'll also say what I think *isn't* there yet in your writing (and remember, I'm just another unpublished writer, so feel free to ignore me). There are quite a few typos and grammar issues. And there are sentences that don't read as smoothly as they should. Here's something I've found hugely useful with my own work: read it aloud. For example, there's a section where you have "earlier that day" in two sentences one after the other - reading aloud shows that sort of thing up really well, I've found.

I really like your ideas and characters, and hope you'll continue with your writing.


XoADreadnought wrote 1627 days ago

A very unique story. It starts off with an interesting plot. I think you have a good narrative voice and a creative story telling ability.

Some things I noted that could be fixed. Spelling and grammar errors.

“Meeting spot of for the end of the year party” - for or of. Pick one or the other.

“Would she die a must horrible death?” -most

Several sentences need syntax work. I have revised them below but they have changed so little that you should be able to find them in the first chapter.

“Maddy would have called for help or rescued her if she had heard.”

“The horrible part was the monsters glowing, blood red eyes which was disturbing to see on any animal”

Cato Sulla wrote 1628 days ago

Short snappy paragraphs and tight writing, I love it. 'Taylor' made for your young adult audience.

Backed with pleasure. No need for you sending me your first chapter, I'm impressed, quality writing Shell.

Bob x

Cato Sulla wrote 1628 days ago

Short snappy paragraphs and tight writing, I love it. 'Taylor' made for your young adult audience.

Backed with pleasure. No need for you sending me your first chapter, I'm impressed, quality writing Shell.

Bob x

Clare Hill wrote 1628 days ago

This is an interesting idea - maybe better suited to the Young Adult genre, which I notice you haven't classified this as. Seeing as your protagonist is 17, it might fit better in YA than adult fiction.
Your pitch needs an edit - "dispair" should be despair, "desctruction" should be destruction. Get hold of a good dictionary and a copy of 'Eats, Shoots and Leaves' by Lynne Truss, which is funny and tells you about grammar (I have it on my desk all the time.)

JanB wrote 1631 days ago

Read ch1.
Another book I am surprised and pleased to have found.
I felt the initial creature meet was a lttle muddled, but the book developed well from that.

Well done and best of luck

Table for One

klouholmes wrote 1635 days ago

Hi Shell, Mysterious and the tone drew me on. I like how it starts out like a teenage intrigue – I couldn’t figure out how Kat and Fox could keep Taylor and why she didn’t scream and yell, as Fox said. It seems as if Taylor is drawn in and then at the compound.
There are words skipped and some proofreading needed such as in Chapter 3 with the paragraph, ““Do you remember dear,I asked you if the key drawn blood or stung you?”
It seems like an allegory for peer relations and that’s why I kept reading. Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Melcom wrote 1636 days ago

Great story. Suggest you read through. I have often been told the first line should always be perfect, yours isn't.
Sorry to be picky 'our plant Earth' should read 'our planet Earth' surely.

I'm constantly editing mine, I wonder if you ever look back on yours?
Impeding Justice.

Melcom wrote 1636 days ago

Great story. Suggest you read through. I have often been told the first line should always be perfect, yours isn't.
Sorry to be picky 'our plant Earth' should read 'our planet Earth' surely.

I'm constantly editing mine, I wonder if you ever look back on yours?
Impeding Justice.

Melcom wrote 1636 days ago

Great story. Suggest you read through. I have often been told the first line should always be perfect, yours isn't.
Sorry to be picky 'our plant Earth' should read 'our planet Earth' surely.

I'm constantly editing mine, I wonder if you ever look back on yours?
Impeding Justice.

S.D. Gillen wrote 1638 days ago


Good story so far! I love alien stories and it seems like we could even like some of these aliens.
I think you need more information inbetween paragraphs. You have great descriptions, but it feels like sometimes something is missing. I don't know why I can't put my finger on it.
I know my daughter would love this story. She's an alien fan.
Good luck!
SD Gillen

Jambi wrote 1639 days ago

-The Silent Whispers-

Hi Michelle,
On the premise and plot: great idea and refreshing approach to the topic of alien abduction. I like your characters, especially Taylor. It's good to have a strong, likeable MC.

However, on the mechanics, such as punctuation, grammar, and sentence structure, your manuscript needs a lot of work. I recommend finding a good proofreader to help you clean up the text. It's difficult to read, difficult to know who is talking, and in some places, difficult to understand your meaning. Please do NOT be discouraged as all of this stuff can be fixed!

There are some authors on the authonomy site that are willing to do some basic editing--you'll have to look at their bios. You might even consider taking a basic college-level grammar class or even a writing class. I'm not suggesting this to be critical. However, if you have dreams, as we all do, of being published, a literary agent or publisher will not consider this manuscript in the shape it is currently in. But again, it can be fixed!

On the whole, your writing voice is strong, you have a natural talent for building suspense, and I can feel that your heart is in this! Those are the essential elements that make a great writer, so don't give up!

I'm with you on the four kids, although mine are grown now. But, I still remember! Lol. Great luck with this and to your writing career. On my shelf with pleasure!


zan wrote 1641 days ago

The Silent Whispers
Michelle McCabe Carter

I love stories about aliens - the idea of intelligence from other worlds not only existing, but interacting with us humans is so fascinating. I was happy to have exchanged reads with you. Thanks! I found that you wrote with a deep understanding of teenagers/young adults and what their essential characters/traits are like at this age, the contrast between Kat and Taylor typical (even if Kat might not be human – not sure yet as I only had time to read three chapters so far).
I found your MC Taylor to be a likeable, sensitive sort of personality, perceptive, plainspoken and easy to identify with.
Your preface describes a scene where a neighbour, Alice sees seventeen year old Taylor, the Miller girl, being shoved into the back seat of a car. She is disturbed by this but her Husband George convinces her that since Taylor was seen with teenagers, that it was simply typical teenage behaviour and she has no cause for concern. She looks through her window again and her worry about the incident dissolves.
In Ch 1 we see Kat and Fox, brother and sister who are Taylor’s abductors as they make a routine gas station stop, the bathroom scene where Taylor now fully realises her predicament, and then the return to the car – they have driven for a long time and understandably Taylor wants to go home.
They go to the Lazy Inn for the night, with a stop at Mom and Pop drive-through for food. Taylor quickly realises that Kat was the one who wore the pants – and it’s obvious to her that Kat doesn’t like her.
In the black, darkly tinted car, Kat is fiddling with the key with the gold sphere containing odd inscriptions – she had found it accidentally the day before. Fox retrieves it from her and places a gold chain though it. He drops it in Taylor’s hand – she is to wear it because her life depended on it, and Fox says that “Grandmother” would explain the situation to her later. Here you made me wonder who this "Grandmother" character was with a hint that something was not quite right with this particular grandmother for she is mixed up in a kidnapping.
Chupacabra is mentioned here – he seems to be a mean character. Luckily they’ve outrun him – he is after Taylor and she will be dead if he finds her. Also, we learn that Kagar is a horrible man, was also out for Taylor’s blood, but why? We don’t know yet and must read on to find out.
In Ch 2 in the crummy, smelly hotel room, we see Taylor pleading with them to let her go – her dad is a lawyer and she’ll explain they didn’t mean to abduct her, that it was just on account of the globe she had found. This plea gets her no where.
We learn that Kagar is Fox’s uncle – a revelation here, but why does he want to kill Taylor? Mystery and suspense are built.
They soon leave the hotel in the midst of an action-packed shooting scene as they all run to the car. Taylor notices Fox is “hit” but Kat says it’s just a scratch. We wonder why his sister isn’t more concerned ane there is a sense of something really odd about these two siblings.
There is a small hint of possible romance before the close of the chapter between Fox and Taylor so we’ll see how that develops later on.
The drive comes to an end when they arrive at a grand building nestled at the end of a long steep mountain road. They enter, and Fox says to Grandmother, called Grace, that they’ve got the key. Grandmother appears nice, but her Husband Altair assumes a statue-like figure. Good contrast.
Fox then desires to take Taylor to see the horses, but Taylor wants to go home. She is led to her room. Kat comes to take her to dinner – there is a nasty scene here and Taylor reminds her she has a home to go to. At dinnertime Taylor sits next to grandmother, who is affectionate towards her, and later goes with Fox to see the horses. There is a flawless white horse there who looks too perfect, and one is on the alert that something is amiss with the horse. Afterwards, poor Taylor is locked up again in her bedroom.
In chapter three, on the third day of her abduction, she is taken to the conference room – more details of why she was there are given in an interesting conversation – and she knows now for certain, that she must wear the key to keep alive.
Michelle I enjoyed your storyline and thought you developed your plot well so far. It is interesting and I think many young people, especially teenagers and young adults, will enjoy reading this. I think with a good edit and perhaps a little restructuring of some of the sentences, the read would flow more smoothly (I need to get my act together and do this with mine too – unending this refining really…).
Wishing you every success Michelle,

Paolito wrote 1641 days ago

The Silent Whispers...

Came to read because of your POV question in the forum. I've read your first two chapters.

Here's the allegedly winning formula for your pitch:
1. Who is your protagonist?
2. What does she want?
3. what obstacles does she encounter during the story? (your pitch has a lot of set-up, better to pick three important things that happen during the story)
4. a hint about resolution.

I love this kind of story, BTW. I agree that your pitch is confusing in places, but nevertheless, it was good enough to draw me into the story.

There are some good articles on the Internet about POV (just google), but from your first two chapters, I don't think there's any confusion, but that's just me.

What I do see is a natural born story teller. Yes, there are punctuation mistakes and some awkward wordings, but you've got a great feeling for how to create scenes, for stimulus and response, and for weaving in emotions, etc. A great book for the picky stuff is Self-Editing for Fiction Writers by Renni Browne and Dave King. I found it really helpful way back when, and I continue to refer to it now and then.

I really encourage you to keep on writing. Not everyone is a born storyteller--all you have to do is to learn how to tell your story better by studying the tools that writers use to strengthen their writing. Also, it's a good idea to study other really good writers to see if you can figure out how they create certain effects. It's a never-ending journey, but it's so damn much fun.

I love your premise (love Taken, Cocoon, ET, etc.) and I think that if you keep on with this story, you could really have something here--I can imagine the movie.

P.S. Don't read mine; read Tnuth (with an 'n') by C.P. Hoff--rich characterizations and dialogue that shines on the page.

Urania wrote 1641 days ago

Hi Michelle, this is certainly full of intrigue and just the stuff the YA market thriller/sci fi market is keen on right now. However, unlike some people I found your pitch rather hard to understand. And if the pitch doesn't make any sense,the publisher is likely to assume that the rest of the book is going to be kind of confusing too. I think it may be the way your kept on about humans and aliens - one minute they're teenagers claiming to be human - I would have thought teenagers were human - so if they're aliens, wouldn't they be called something else? No-one expects to be kidnapped, let alone by aliens. That line is fine, but then you say, 'not aliens, they claimed to be human like her' - so if they are not aliens, what are they? And if they claim to be humans, this implies they aren't human and therefore something alien? Do you see- one minute they're alien, then they're not!
Sorry to go on about it, but it could do with some tightening up.
Otherwise, usual editing nits as below, and the writing is generally OK. I didn't quite get the hang of the POV changes, but think it's an interesting idea. All in all a promising plot and good read for the YA market, so shelved for potential.

BL Phillips wrote 1642 days ago

Silent Whispers

I had to read far enough to see where the aliens come in and I'm glad I did. This is a good book for kids--full of mystery and adventure with not too much danger thrown in. If this were geared toward adults, I'd say maybe you need to add more fear on the the part of Taylor but for kids it's not neary as important to emphasize that.

One thought--maybe instead of a second person prologue from the pov of two people we'll never see again, use the scene where Taylor finds the globe?

Read it aloud--you'll catch rhythm hiccups and other things that sound rocky when read slowly. And be prepared to do a good edit for punctuation and grammer. i.e. You have their that should be there in ch 3.

Good story--YA readers should love this. It's good but take your time and get it really good. -Brad

flicka wrote 1642 days ago

You say this is your first attempt. You have an interesting story here I think. It just needs work on it, to sharpen it up a bit. You start right in the action, which is good and I like. You don't introduce too many characters at the beginning, which again is good, and you take time to try to draw them well for us so that we can get a bit of their motivation, but keep some of the mystery as to why Taylor is in this situation. Your pitch gives it away a little, of course, but you have to do that to tempt us to read.

Your narrative does indeed need some work, and maybe reading aloud so that you can hear how it sounds? I always do that with mine, regardless of whether they are meant to be read aloud or not. One thing I look out for is lack of contractions, which when used make dialogue and some narrative, sound more natural. It often depends on from whose point of view the narrative is being told, and in your case, as it is from a young girl's POV, you should use contractions to get her voice.

I found a fair few typos, mistakes etc, but a good edit will iron these out easily.

Para 1, it should be 'witnesses' as it is a plural not a possessive.
Commas need taking out in places as they are definitely sometimes oddly placed. A comma comes where you take a breath, frequently, but don't need to end the sentence. Again, reading aloud will tell you better where to put them. Get someone you trust to listen to it read aloud, and maybe make a conribution of their opinion.

There is always something to say about every book, as none of us would have written Dickens quite the way he wrote it, would we? We could always change a bit if we look!

Hope this is helpful. I am giving it a spin on my shelf.
Flicka (The Midwinter Child)

andyroo wrote 1644 days ago

Well written, slick and enjoyable. Great premise too. One niggle at the start of chapter three; you say the building was like a penitentiary, but didnt look like any prison seen before... may 'didnt look' isnt the right way of putting it? It sounds to me like youre saying, it looked like a prison, but didnt. Not sure. I'll let you think it over.
In the meantime, a quick spell on my shelf should do the trick.


NelizaDrew wrote 1646 days ago

I think the premise is good. There's also an obvious distinction in character personality.

As an English teacher, there were a few things grammatically that made it hard to read. One was stumbling across "your" when it should have been "you're" (pet peeve of mine, sorry). Sometimes those are hard to catch -- especially if you do too much reading online these days, but if "you are" will work in the sentence, use "you're" and if it's possessive, use "your." The other thing was the commas and semi-colons. Some of them seemed to be in strange places and slowed down my reading.

The shift from third to first could work well, especially for a YA market. Just make sure it sounds like the character telling the story, including any emotional outbursts, etc.

You definitely have a good idea. It just needs to be cleaned up a bit (and you seem to be aware of this).

Good luck and hope this is somewhat helpful (if not, my excuse is that it's after midnight here).

Neliza Drew
(Burning for Burning)

Leigh Fallon wrote 1647 days ago

Hi Michelle. I read all the chapters on offer though I must say you nearly lost me on the first chapter, it was a bit confusing. I skipped through most of it and went straight into chapter 2, then I got hooked. The relationship developing between Taylor and Fox is nice and building. The flicking between I and She is a little off putting. I would love to read more as the story shows alot of promise. I have backed and will watch for more chapters.
All the best

Still Shell wrote 1648 days ago

You kind of caught me between revising my book. I think you have some really insightfull words for me. I hope that once the transition gets finished from 3rd to 1st person you can take a peek back at my book.

Unusual premise. I’d encourage you to craft a strong opening to your story. Make it so compelling that people can’t put it down.

Chapter 1

If you’re writing from the perspective of a teenage girl, I think you need always focus on having conversational language. I don’t know many young people who use the word “whom” even if it is grammatically correct. More slang, shorter sentences, even less complication in the writing.

Also, I need to feel more of the emotions. I cried a lot yesterday shows me some. But maybe it’s the way she’s writing that seems so descriptive when she’s been abducted. I would think she’d have more feelings of fear, disbelief, anger, sadness. These don’t come out.

I’d get rid of the journal entry all together. Think of the most dramatic way to start. She’s being abducted. Let us see, experience that scene.

Chapter 2
I like this approach better than the journal of the teenage girl. But I am confused by the italics. Why are parts italicized?

There are parts that I think would benefit from more dialogue rather than the summarizing of the conversation. I’m not sure what it is, but I feel bogged down by the chapter. I keep on reading the points over and over about her not wanting the key. Maybe this is just me.

Cycling, Wine and Men

NancyB wrote 1648 days ago

Unusual premise. I’d encourage you to craft a strong opening to your story. Make it so compelling that people can’t put it down.

Chapter 1

If you’re writing from the perspective of a teenage girl, I think you need always focus on having conversational language. I don’t know many young people who use the word “whom” even if it is grammatically correct. More slang, shorter sentences, even less complication in the writing.

Also, I need to feel more of the emotions. I cried a lot yesterday shows me some. But maybe it’s the way she’s writing that seems so descriptive when she’s been abducted. I would think she’d have more feelings of fear, disbelief, anger, sadness. These don’t come out.

I’d get rid of the journal entry all together. Think of the most dramatic way to start. She’s being abducted. Let us see, experience that scene.

Chapter 2
I like this approach better than the journal of the teenage girl. But I am confused by the italics. Why are parts italicized?

There are parts that I think would benefit from more dialogue rather than the summarizing of the conversation. I’m not sure what it is, but I feel bogged down by the chapter. I keep on reading the points over and over about her not wanting the key. Maybe this is just me.

Cycling, Wine and Men

DMC wrote 1652 days ago

I don't think I've ever read anything quite like this.
Just put you on my 'read entire upload' list. ;-)
Shelved with pleasure
Green Ore

Barrasford wrote 1653 days ago

Jumps into action from the start. Whilst this is not a bad thing I usually prefer a bit if background before the mud hits the fan. The writing flows however and carries the reader along with ease from one chapter into the next. Not usually my genre but a worthwhile read all the same..

Shadowtales wrote 1657 days ago

Aside from hating the formatting...all those gaps...ugh. I really like the abducted by alien's twist. I think sometimes we (adults writing for young adults) tend to try and dumb down our prose or simplify our ideas because we think our audience demands it. I work in education, dealing with 14 to 18 year old kids every day and most often find what they need is not talked down to, but 'gently challenged'.
You strike a very good balance between simple accessability and a good challenging read. You need a bit of an edit...but I seldom see books here that couldn't do with a spot of the red pen of doom!
When my bookshelf yealds up a space...and it will be will have a spot there

Renart wrote 1659 days ago

Hi Michelle, I really enjoyed the first chapter of your book and intend to get back to it. It was easy reading and I was really drawn in. There were a few repeats that you might want to look at, namely your description of the black curls. For me the first discription was enough, it gave me a clear picture. You read my first chapter and found it engaging, hope you found the other chapters engaging as well... I backed your book.

Ayrich wrote 1660 days ago

A chupacabra in St George Utah? I must call my mother and tell her to stay in at night. You have a great start here and I hope you post more.

Freeman wrote 1661 days ago

When I first read your pitch I backed this story and have now found the time to read it.
I like sci-fi and I think this is just right for young people who have started to take an interest in the genre. This is well written and moves at a hectic pace as it scares the life out of the poor girl. Good luck with your great book.

Life Bringer

KJKron wrote 1661 days ago

Hi Michelle - there is tension the sucks us into this story. I'm curious about many things as I read - what attacked her? Who saves her? What are there plans? As I finish the first chapter and read the blurb, I get a feel for what is going on - what what is the spray they hit her with? Lots of hooks make me interested to read more. There are typos - and I'll send you a message to help fix them - but they are easy to fix and my no means take away from the interesting story you have here. Shelved.

Jo Ellis wrote 1662 days ago

Wow a great start, intriguing and hooking.

Just a few little things I found....

Use of the work pavement twice in the first paragraph.

Sentence - as they pulled (her) to a standing - her missing?

You use ' ' around text - is this Taylor thinking? If so to avoid confusion perhaps you could use italics or perhaps add a tag because I found it a little confusing.

Sentence - This is to be her friend Maddy's doing - this didn't sound right, knew what you meant perhaps This would have to be her friend Maddy's doing or something like that.

Aside from these small things and an edit your story is unique and imaginative and I look forward to reading about the emerging romance.


Jo xx


soutexmex wrote 1662 days ago

I backed your book last Sunday and just now getting around to commenting on it. Apologize for the delay. Read your first posted chapter. I'm not for this genre but you do have great writing capability. The pacing is spot in and the characters are believeable.

But the pitches? I'm not a fan of either. Think both pitches could use some work. They are used to sell the casual reader driving by. SELL them as to why you need to read your story. Check out mine as examples of that.

Again, I did back you last week. I do look forward to your comments on my book if you have not done so already. Cheers!

The Obergemau File

AndreaPearson wrote 1663 days ago

I'm really enjoying this so far. The intrigue is set up very quickly, and I have to keep reading to find out what's going on. The pace is good, the dialog natural.

I have a few suggestions to help make the wording flow better and to remove mental roadblocks:
"Her hands took most of the impact" instead of: "Her hands had been able to take most of the impact." This will help with the flow of the sentence.

Also, remove the word "had" from the following sentences:
"but her forehead had smacked the sidewalk."
"She had thought it was someone bumping into her."
"No one had spoken to her, or checked to see if she was okay."

Remove "the" in this sentence: "A horrible-reeking animal sat atop her, the placing increasing pressure"

Add a comma:
"She trembled(,) waiting, for the creature to strike."
"Small and clean(,) it smelled like a new car."

This is a great story, and I LOVE the premise. Excited to see what will happen with it. :-)

The Key of Kilenya

Candi Wall wrote 1665 days ago

Hi Michelle,

This is not my usual genre - I should say the alien aspect LOL. But I loved it.

You have a great YA voice, and having four children, I've read and had read to me and had to find NUMEROUS books that would hopefully engage my children who all at one point were reluctant readers now turned rabid.

The pace is great, and your word usage is excellent. This is one I'll definitly let my 14 yr old have a peek at and see what her initial reaction is.

Shelved - and I'll come back to let you know what she thinks.

Candi Wall
(What She was Missing)

T.L Tyson wrote 1665 days ago

The idea of this novel is intriguing but I found it difficult to read because of the formatting.
There are quiet a few instances where two people talking mixed, there are a lot of missing commas, for instans when someone speaks:
taylor screamed, "blah blah blah." DO you see what I mean?
This is definitly fast paced and entrhralling, well thought out and would be appreciated by the genre it is marketed towards.
This needs an edit inregards to punctuation, grammar and structure. There are things that could be taken out to make it speed along. It is for sure an enjoyable read.
Watch the length of your paragraphs. Standard length is five to ten sentances. You have some pretty long ones that ould be broken up.
This has huge potential. Which I hope is what you are looking to hear, typos and errors can and will be fixed later.
Try reading your chapters out loud, this helps for me, in catching a lot of little things that don't make sense. Like for example the sentence: Dad said to fight and scream it alone was the first thing to do. Confusing!
You also slip from your POV's. First is I and third is her!
that sentence above is first person but you follow it up with third. This is confusing. If it is a thought, then it only needs to be itallicized.
Backing it for the idea and potential.
T.L Tyson-SEeking Eleanor

Billy Young wrote 1665 days ago

I just read the one chapter but enjoyed it. Though I do think you need to read through thid for typos. I also think you need to look at the way you have formatted the speach between characters. It's a little confusing having more than one character speeking in one paragraph. WLed will come back to it at a later date for another read.

Bella5 wrote 1666 days ago

Very interesting chapter, Michelle. Every time someone speaks, start a paragraph, then it will be easier to read. You also repeated a few things...he seems to be about my age is one of them.

Missing commas or words here and there...second sentence....trembling, the fear hiding my voice...or is it, trembling WITH fear, hiding my voice....

His presence WAS odd...

Her friends WERE waiting for her....

What is the CAN in the'd better get the can, just in case. It sure sent her panicking.

you're also mixing first person point of view (POV) with third. "you'd better let me out," my voice trembled...

Also, only italize her thoughts when they;re in present tense, not past tense.

I hope this helped.

Ednah (The Nephilim Awakening)

Cas P wrote 1668 days ago

Hi Michelle.

You have a great premise and the story has a lot of potential. Your account of Taylor's kidnapping was tense and exciting, her initial anger and then fear and confusion were well portrayed.

It's the writing which needs some work. Starting with the pitch, and especially the short pitch, you should try for a snappy strapline, something like: No one expects to be kidnapped by aliens, let alone fall in love with one...etc.
When your story starts, I would cut the preface as it is the same as your long pitch. Just go straight into the story. The alien landing on Taylor's back and throwing her to the ground is an excellent way to start a book.
But you need to focus on tightening the writing. You have a few structural issues in that you often miss words out. For example: 'Her friends waiting on the other side' should be 'Her friends *were* waiting.
'Large almost like a bear..' should be *It was* large (comma) almost like a bear.'
Also you need to review your use of commas. For example: 'The struggle against ancient convictions,..' cut the comma. And here: '...fear of the past,...' cut the comma.
Adverbs, too, could be pruned. You say Fox 'turned slightly...looking her over slowly..'. Both 'slightly' and 'slowly' could be cut without affecting the story.
Italics: if you are going to use italics for Taylor's thoughts then they must be her *actual* thoughts. 'No one is going to hear that. She needed to yell louder.' should be 'No one is going to hear that. I must yell louder.'
And Taylor's thought that 'Fox was a bizarre name', my thought was that it could have been a surname, in which case it wasn't bizarre at all.

Michelle, I really hope these comments don't sound too negative. What you have here shows much potential and I think that if you can polish it up, it'll be a very readable book. I certainly wish you all the best with it.

Kenneth Rogers Jr. wrote 1668 days ago

Very Cool! The mysterious air of the story and the clarity of your writing style let the reader know you have a direction that will not allow them to feel lost, but enthralled to read more. However, careful of repetition, such as the double use of book bag in chapter one and the unneeded internal dialogue in some sections that only restates what you just said in narration. Besides that I have liked what I have read and very happy to back. Good luck with this. Later days.
Love and Fear: The Diary of Oliver Lee

paxie wrote 1668 days ago


Yes you have a great story....And we all have a different writing voice...I think you would benefit by reading your chapters out loud, we do this in my writers club.....

I read your opening paragraph chapter one out loud....

I'd change a few bits

The impact sent Taylor crashing face down to the pavement......
Something sat on top of her, as the weight shifted , the pressure increased.
She trembled with fear -
A snarl filled the air
She swallowed a lump of panic
'Help' she managed, ineffectually.....

I didn't see her lying face down having just looked at the sun, and flying wasn't the right motion to me.....trembling fear fought against her !!!! If you read that aloud, you wouldn't be happy with it, because we dont speak like that.....Also you say, a snarl was uttered.....wrong adjective.....

You have the characters, the plot and the storyline so all the hard bits are in place......You just have to jiggle the words a bit...... That's not to say it;s wrong as it is, but you did ask for opinions on how to improve....

All the best with this, I think the reading aloud excersize will work wonders.....


fidheallir wrote 1668 days ago

You have a good sense of your target audience. The main character is both realistically afraid of her assailants, but engagingly feisty and relatively level-headed-- a good main character for teen girls.
The choppy sentences help maintain the frenetic tone of the action, but in some places they are a little much-- you might want to give the reader a breather with some longer sentences. I'd also recommend getting someone to line-edit your work and check for typos, passive sentences, and grammar issues. I found this *extremely( helpful for my own novel (since having my very detail-oriented friend read it over and attack it with a red pen, I've ceased to get comments about my grammar and spelling failures!).

Sweet Empress wrote 1668 days ago

WOW! What a good read.
The Mysterious Legend of Vladimir

Sweet Empress wrote 1668 days ago

WOW! What a good read.
The Mysterious Legend of Vladimir

Sweet Empress wrote 1668 days ago

WOW! What a good read.
The Mysterious Legend of Vladimir