Book Jacket

 

rank 517
word count 67204
date submitted 08.10.2009
date updated 27.12.2011
genres: Fiction, Romance, Fantasy, Young Ad...
classification: moderate
incomplete

Demon in the Knight

Kristin Burns

An incubus can seduce you while you sleep and impregnate you with its offspring. That's how Liam was created, anyway, though he didn't know it.

 

Paige Owen was popular, smart, and beautiful, but none of that mattered to her. She only did exactly what she wanted to do; hang out with friends, enjoy time with her family, make good grades, and, most of all, read fantasy novels.

Liam Knight secluded himself from almost everyone. He had a mother who avoided him, and knew nothing about his real father. Most people were mesmerized by his good looks and aloof behavior, but he refused to let them in... Until he met Paige.

When a man, who claims to be his long lost brother, begins stalking Paige and, somehow, invades both of their dreams, Liam begins to learn the truth about who he really is and what evil flows through his blood. He learns why his mother is so afraid of him and begins to understand why she calls him a monster. Does having an Incubus demon for a father make you evil?

What will Liam do to protect himself from being controlled by his father, and how did Paige get in the middle of a bunch of manipulators who can force you to do their will?

 
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bestfriend, books, bookworm, brother, cambion, dating, demons, dreams, family, fantasy, fiction, football, friends, half-demon, highschool, humor, inc...

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PCreturned wrote 1079 days ago

Hi Kristin,

I thought your book sounded interesting, so I wanted to come over to have a read and leave a comment. :)

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track.

(Sorry in advance for any typos, but my keyboard’s a bit knackered :()

Prologue:

Scary start. Seems she’s stuck in a horrible dream. She’s paralysed and something’s coming closer and closer and closer…

It grabs her. Then, with a great effort, she wakes up. Phew. V strange dream. So real. I think this dream is maybe too real and must indicate something. Is it based on an event that actually happened? Or does it predict something bad that will happen in the future. My curiosity’s piqued. I have to read on. ;)…

Chapter 1:

Hmmm Paige seems like a real bookworm. A girl after my own heart. I’m on her side already ;). Ah and she’s a big Drizzt fan, I see. Good for her. I’ve been a major fantasy fan all my life. ;)

I love the dialogue between her and Nicole. It’s so full of attitude. I think it really sounds like kids their age. I almost laughed aloud at Nicole’s attempted advice on boys. Can’t she see Paige is smarter than to fall for some idiot? ;)

As the argument goes on, I start to feel sorry for Paige. I like her. She’s a bit of an outsider/ a fish out of water. She doesn’t deserve all this pushiness from Nicole. I enjoyed seeing Paige turn down Derek. I wanted to clap when she did that. This girl’s really got her head on straight. Unusual for that age. There are darker overtones from Derek, though. I’m worried he’s the sort who wont’ take no for an answer. I was relieved when she smacked him and got away.

I think you convey the yearning many of us feel for escapism through fantasy books v well with Paige. I can really feel her irritation when the alarm interrupts her reading. No wonder she’s more interested than her books than the big game. Why would she care about the stupid game anyway when she could be exploring whole other worlds?

By the end of the chapter, it looks like she’s gonna be late. I bet Nicole will be mad. ;)

Chapter 2:

Liam seems an interesting character. V focused. Not at all bothered by smalltalk. In his own way, he’s as unusual as Paige is for the age group. And his head isn’t turned by Myra. Again, I’m seeing similarities to Paige in mindset.

I was intrigued by the scared look his mother gave him when he got home. Why would a mother be scared of her son? Does she maybe see something of his father in him? Is there a dark family history at work here? Intriguing. It also seems she has bad dreams with him in them. V odd.

Ahhh the mention of demons is interesting. Could he be the offspring of a demon? That would explain why he scared her so much. On the other hand, the mother could just be barking mad. ;)

Whatever the situation is, I feel sorry for Liam. As far as I can see, he’s done nothing to deserve such reactions. It must be v hard on him.

The email came as a bolt out of the blue. Does he really have a long lost brother? Is this another hint his parentage is strange? Fascinating. By the end of the chapter I think there’s much more going on here than meets the eyes. ;)

Chapter 3:

I love the interaction between Paige and her brother. It’s so fun and natural. I can feel her irritation, yet sense she really does love him deep down. Cleverly written. ;)

When they get to their friends, there’s more great dialogue. Lots of background details on relationships are worked into the story well without being done clunkily.

I laughed at the story of Derek making a fool of himself. Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy ;). Sounds like he was utterly humiliated. Good.

Hmmm looks like you’re setting the stage for Liam and Paige to meet. I’m v curious what they’ll make of each other. I really think they are kindred spirits. They’ll either love or loather each other. Could go either way, I reckon. ;)

By the end of the chapter, it sounds like Paige is reluctantly intrigued by Liam. What will she make of him when they meet? …

Chapter 4:

Hmmm interesting that Liam can be oddly charming and persuasive when he chooses to be. I wonder, is this part of his father’s gift? Are we in the realms of the supernatural here?

Good banter between him and Kevin. I think the dialogue makes it clear they’ve been friends a long time.

Ah and finally Liam sees Paige. It looks like he’s fascinated for some reason. It’s like he can sense her attitude, and he loves it for the uniqueness. He seems besotted for a moment.

By the end of the chapter, he obviously desperately wants to learn all about Paige. I think a serious romance may be on the cards ;)…

Uh oh I just saw how long this comment's getting. I guess I better stop before it grows to a ridiculous size. I'll sum up now, and then shut up. :)

I think you have a great story here for the YA market, filled with mystery and tension. Your descriptions are well done, and really paint pictures of what's going on. And the dialogue’s great, believable and feels real. I especially like the way you stretch out the tension in your story by releasing information, little be little. At the end of each section, I want to read on and find out what new developments your story has in store. There are many mysteries here about Liam, I think. ;)

I've rated your book with 6 stars, and hope you get noticed by an agent. I think there's a real audience out there for your work. I’d love to see you get published. :)

Best of luck,

Pete x

Suzannah Burke wrote 1496 days ago

Yup...this has all of it, teen angst, young love,and a very clever author who knows exactly how to place the hooks.

The dialogue is so very realistic, it doesn't hamper the story rather it moves it forward at a terrific pace. The duality of the parallel lives is coming closer to merging as we read, and by chapter three I was already hanging for Liam and Paige to get it together. Derek is a royal pain in the ass...every book needs one. you have not just written this, you have created and crafted it, so it becomes a living breathing thing, one that i am eager to get to know further,
backed with pleasure...again
Suzannah Burke
Dudes Down Under

RichardBard wrote 1513 days ago

DEMON IN THE KNIGHT, By Kristin Burns

The pitch drew me in. From the dream-sequence prologue I could tell you had a gift for writing to your YA audience. Very smooth, quick paced, very evocative. I felt Karen’s panic. The hook at the end was perfect.

The school-room scene was relaxed. I found your voice to be very authentic, filled with teenage angst. I easily bonded with your MC. You limited your narrative stage-setting nicely, interspersing it with realistic dialogue to keep the pace moving. I like how you weaved R.A. Salvatore’s work into the dialogue, giving us a hint of what would follow later on in the story; that was clever. You incorporate good characterization tags into your dialogue. (The subtle action when “her finger froze from its twirling,” conveyed hidden meaning.) You did a good job of portraying Derek as the typical jerk.

In chapter three, there was an intriguing parallel between Liam’s experience with Myra and Karen’s with Derek. I immediately hoped that the two of them would get together. At that point, you had me hooked.

A terrific story. Congratulations. Backed

Richard Bard
BRAINRUSH

nboving wrote 1518 days ago

Kristin.
YA, Fantasy, and romance all rolled into one. Damn but you're good. I struggle with one genre at a time and even then find it hard to pull off. You, however have pulled it off in a mastery fashion.
I find that if a book fills three or so general requirements it's likely to be good. First off there’s got to be a really good opening hook (you've done that) followed by a great first page that makes me want to go on; that’s what it’s all about when you present a story. If it still holds me, promises a good and well-told story with good characterizations and truly believable dialogue, then I will happily back it. Anyway, it's the youngsters who are really going to love this, and I can see them come running.

“Demon in the Knight” ticked all those boxes and I’m putting it on my watch list right away until I can make room on my shelf.

Nicholas (“The Warlock”) – Horror/Thriller

jlbwye wrote 816 days ago

Demon in the Knight. This is not my genre, but I'm always game for a challenge, especially as you've been kind enough to support me.
Your title is very apt, and the pitch is well crafted.
I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert.

Ch.1. What a gripping start. You create the tension and the sense of fright well. But there are rather a lot of 'She's in that short chapter. Do a search, and you will understand what I mean.
You will also find that certain words can safely be deleted, which actually make the writing stronger: still, suddenly, uncontrollably, eventually.

Ch.2. More unnecessary words: almost, completely, really, quickly.
Paige's character is developed, and her love of reading fascination for evil is revealed. Your sentences and paragraphs are rather short, but I;m getting used to them. Your descriptions of Paige and Nicole are clear, and cleverly introduced.

Ch.3. More words which are better omitted: already, rather.
And take care not to repeat a word too close to the last one: beautiful, many, back.
I like the way you introduce colour, sound and touch into your descriptions, and I get to know Liam, who doesnt like small talk. I learn about an incubus, the plot is developing well, and I am compelled to read on.

Ch.4. These are natural scenes, but perhaps you should ask yourself which ones are absolutely necessary to your story? I find the pace slows somewhat, and I want to skip over some of the paragraphs.

You have an interesting concept, and you develop the plot in a gradual, structured way, leaving an adequate hook at the end of chapters.
Your style is easy and natural and once you have refined the wording, I'm sure you will attract many readers who enjoy the genre.

I hope this helps.
Jane (Breath of Africa)

Brittanee Zaitsoff wrote 825 days ago

Demon in the Night...
I really like the start to your book. The prologue kicks it off and grabs my attention right away.
I read up to chapter 8 and while I thought the overall material was good, I found myself getting bogged down in some of the descriptions and asides, such as when in Chapter 5, i think, there are 7 or 8 paragraphs that describe the car Liam is driving. I get the points you are trying to make, but it may be better to do this in dialogue. In other words, try to think about showing what happens rather than telling the reader. I found myself skimming over those sections to get to the dialogue. Also, it was a bit distracting to read the novel since it switches between 3rd person and first person.
I love the idea for this novel, which is why I kept reading. If some of the redundancies were cut, it would help to move the story forward and get to the good stuff (Liam meeting Paige and his brother) much sooner.
Best of Luck!
Brittanee
- Sinful

Wavy3 wrote 947 days ago

Something about this book is so intriguing. I see others agree. =) I really like/am intrigued by all the different characters and the relationships they share, even the side and minor characters. Very cool.

Nightdream wrote 948 days ago

Hey, Kristin. I would take out the John Lennon quote. It’s good but I rather start with you and not someone else. I’m thinking: “Why am I reading something by Mr John L. when it’s a story by Kristin?” It’s just my advice. I don’t think it’s needed. It’s better just to start with ‘Karen was dreaming’

I liked the prologue. Her thinking about if she was dreaming or not was a good hook. It had me trying to figure it out. But it appeared she wasn’t. When I moved onto chapter 1, I was a bit confused on how this and the prologue were related or if they needed to be related as of now. OR we would find out later.

Chapter 1 was interesting. I liked it. Nicole and Paige were good characters and someone who teenagers can relate to. It reminded me of how girls were back in my day. They always talked about boys and how they have potential and so on.

“not now” it seems like she would maybe say “Jesus! I hate this thing!” instead of her talking to the clock as if it was real. Well, that’s how it sounded to me. She may be talking to the place where she has to go.

Usually I don’t like small talk or the norm of everyday life but it worked very well here with Paige. Her life seems to have a interest on me. Just the way she does things or reacts to things like an alarm clock or her family. It makes it entertaining to read. Well, I loved the prologue and chapter 1. Did one stand out more than another? No. I say equally good. But I will give you 6 stars for a great beginning (though I’m not sure how that will connect with Paige’s story) and the flow of the writing which was fantastic! Really. I’m not a fast reader but I read this in like a few minutes. Okay not that fast but faster than normal.

Ivan Amberlake wrote 951 days ago

Hi Kristin!

I got down to Demon in the Knight and I enjoyed it immensely! Paige and Nicole are great characters – I loved their description at the beginning of the first chapter. Dialogues are great, witty and natural. Derek is a likeable character. I love the way you show Paige and her brother’s relationship – very believable :) This is written extremely well. The pace of the story is perfect, fast enough to make the readers wonder what will happen next and wish to read more.
Paige’s fascination with fantasy books is especially cool for me as a reader. That’s definitely the reason I like her even more.

Chapter – Liam Knight – favorite parts:
- She annoyed the crap out of Liam. [I love this sentence – it’s a great way of showing Liam’s annoyance];
- I feel sorry for Liam because of the way his mother treats him – “She avoided him like the plague.” – another sentence I enormously love – great analogy. But as I read further I understand there’s something else unsaid – her nightmares – what does she see there – it’s a great hook.
The ending with the e-mail letter is highly intriguing. I love the way you give the reader more and more reasons to stay with you book. Excellent hooks.

I have very few suggestions for you as you have an extremely well written book, so here they are:
Prologue:
- Karen felt cool hands … able to breath [breathe];
Chapter - Lilith Paige Owen:
- “Ugh!” Paige was on the verge of screaming … “I don’t want to get into this with you again, Nicole,” she said in an irritated voice.” [no need for brackets after ‘voice’].
Chapter – Liam Knight
- Why me, Liam thought, why can she not get it … And she doesn’t even have the guts to point out that I as rude [maybe ‘I was rude’];
- After downing his water, sandwich, and half a bag of chips … Bryson City and it’s residents [its residence];
- He opened it up, thinking that it was someone trying to say … so it would peak your interest [maybe ‘pique your interest’].
I hope they’ll help.

Ivan Amberlake
The Beholder

a.morrison712 wrote 954 days ago

I made it through Chapter 2. So, keep in mind that my comments are based off of that. The only thing I saw were a few grammatical errors. In one instance, I saw that you needed a quotation mark on the end of a dialogue. In general, you are a really good writer. I can see this book being a hit with the YA market. You give vivid descriptions that put me right there with a characters. I don't know if you want the reader to know yet....but your pitch gives away what is happening in Chapter 1. The line, "an incubus can seduce you while you sleep and impregnate you..." is what did it. I really like it so far though! Keep up the good writing. I look forward to reading more!

Ashley
Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket

junetee wrote 997 days ago

Your pitch sounded so exciting I couldn't wait to start reading.
Your first chapter, your prologue was brilliant. It was a great build-up, and I was totally bewitched by it all. It ended as it should with the reader wanting to know more.
I didn't mind the fresh sound to the new chapter, because I knew the story was now beginning. However it seemed to lack that wonderful atmosphere you created. Personally I believe your third chapter introducing Liam should be your second, just to continue the atmosphere.
I didn't read more than the three chapters so I can't say too much but I did wonder how long it is before anything is mentioned about Liams brother etc. The reader is eager to know more, I know I am, but will get bored of reading for too long.
You have a great idea. It is well written and with a little careful planning could be the no1 book.
Good luck
Junetee(Four Corners)

DRenkey wrote 1038 days ago

Hi Kristin,

Demon in the Knight's title is clever and the hook is interesting, drawing readers' interest. The wording is appropriate for young adult readers but I can see interest from other demographics (e.g. fantasy readers).

Your description of the Smoky Mountains in fall is beautifully written. The dialogue flows well, interspersed with narrative and characters' thoughts, creating a realistic story.

I love the creepy prologue. Paige is believable and likeable. Liam is a fantastic character, with a complex personality and story. The supporting characters are also well-developed, creating a solid cast to enhance the storyline. Well done!

Deb

michel prince wrote 1073 days ago

Kristin
Perfect for the YA audience. The dialog flows naturally and fits with the age group. Your first chapter had great feeling to it which is hard in 3rd person.
I got a little confused about the POV in the 2nd chapter when Derek showed up. It seemed to slip into what he was feeling for a few paragraphs as opposed to what Paige thought he was feeling.

read the first 4 chapters and will keep reading and add comments if I feel it could help you polish but as you can tell I didn't see much that needed to be fixed.

Your characters are well developed and in a few chapters you've been able to create a foundation for the relationship between them.

Star rated and will be keeping on my watch list for future backing.

Good Luck
Michel prince

PCreturned wrote 1079 days ago

Hi Kristin,

I thought your book sounded interesting, so I wanted to come over to have a read and leave a comment. :)

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track.

(Sorry in advance for any typos, but my keyboard’s a bit knackered :()

Prologue:

Scary start. Seems she’s stuck in a horrible dream. She’s paralysed and something’s coming closer and closer and closer…

It grabs her. Then, with a great effort, she wakes up. Phew. V strange dream. So real. I think this dream is maybe too real and must indicate something. Is it based on an event that actually happened? Or does it predict something bad that will happen in the future. My curiosity’s piqued. I have to read on. ;)…

Chapter 1:

Hmmm Paige seems like a real bookworm. A girl after my own heart. I’m on her side already ;). Ah and she’s a big Drizzt fan, I see. Good for her. I’ve been a major fantasy fan all my life. ;)

I love the dialogue between her and Nicole. It’s so full of attitude. I think it really sounds like kids their age. I almost laughed aloud at Nicole’s attempted advice on boys. Can’t she see Paige is smarter than to fall for some idiot? ;)

As the argument goes on, I start to feel sorry for Paige. I like her. She’s a bit of an outsider/ a fish out of water. She doesn’t deserve all this pushiness from Nicole. I enjoyed seeing Paige turn down Derek. I wanted to clap when she did that. This girl’s really got her head on straight. Unusual for that age. There are darker overtones from Derek, though. I’m worried he’s the sort who wont’ take no for an answer. I was relieved when she smacked him and got away.

I think you convey the yearning many of us feel for escapism through fantasy books v well with Paige. I can really feel her irritation when the alarm interrupts her reading. No wonder she’s more interested than her books than the big game. Why would she care about the stupid game anyway when she could be exploring whole other worlds?

By the end of the chapter, it looks like she’s gonna be late. I bet Nicole will be mad. ;)

Chapter 2:

Liam seems an interesting character. V focused. Not at all bothered by smalltalk. In his own way, he’s as unusual as Paige is for the age group. And his head isn’t turned by Myra. Again, I’m seeing similarities to Paige in mindset.

I was intrigued by the scared look his mother gave him when he got home. Why would a mother be scared of her son? Does she maybe see something of his father in him? Is there a dark family history at work here? Intriguing. It also seems she has bad dreams with him in them. V odd.

Ahhh the mention of demons is interesting. Could he be the offspring of a demon? That would explain why he scared her so much. On the other hand, the mother could just be barking mad. ;)

Whatever the situation is, I feel sorry for Liam. As far as I can see, he’s done nothing to deserve such reactions. It must be v hard on him.

The email came as a bolt out of the blue. Does he really have a long lost brother? Is this another hint his parentage is strange? Fascinating. By the end of the chapter I think there’s much more going on here than meets the eyes. ;)

Chapter 3:

I love the interaction between Paige and her brother. It’s so fun and natural. I can feel her irritation, yet sense she really does love him deep down. Cleverly written. ;)

When they get to their friends, there’s more great dialogue. Lots of background details on relationships are worked into the story well without being done clunkily.

I laughed at the story of Derek making a fool of himself. Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy ;). Sounds like he was utterly humiliated. Good.

Hmmm looks like you’re setting the stage for Liam and Paige to meet. I’m v curious what they’ll make of each other. I really think they are kindred spirits. They’ll either love or loather each other. Could go either way, I reckon. ;)

By the end of the chapter, it sounds like Paige is reluctantly intrigued by Liam. What will she make of him when they meet? …

Chapter 4:

Hmmm interesting that Liam can be oddly charming and persuasive when he chooses to be. I wonder, is this part of his father’s gift? Are we in the realms of the supernatural here?

Good banter between him and Kevin. I think the dialogue makes it clear they’ve been friends a long time.

Ah and finally Liam sees Paige. It looks like he’s fascinated for some reason. It’s like he can sense her attitude, and he loves it for the uniqueness. He seems besotted for a moment.

By the end of the chapter, he obviously desperately wants to learn all about Paige. I think a serious romance may be on the cards ;)…

Uh oh I just saw how long this comment's getting. I guess I better stop before it grows to a ridiculous size. I'll sum up now, and then shut up. :)

I think you have a great story here for the YA market, filled with mystery and tension. Your descriptions are well done, and really paint pictures of what's going on. And the dialogue’s great, believable and feels real. I especially like the way you stretch out the tension in your story by releasing information, little be little. At the end of each section, I want to read on and find out what new developments your story has in store. There are many mysteries here about Liam, I think. ;)

I've rated your book with 6 stars, and hope you get noticed by an agent. I think there's a real audience out there for your work. I’d love to see you get published. :)

Best of luck,

Pete x

Jacoba wrote 1090 days ago

Hi,
I read all your uploaded chapters and enjoyed your story.
I think you'll have a winner here with the YA audience. The dialogue and tone is just at right.
I like this being about demons instead of vampires. A bit more original in plot.
The build up in the story is done really well and every scene captures the reader imagination.
I like the shifting POV from Paige back to Dylan. The romance is edgy enough and felt very real in the thoughts and emotions of the two main characters and the reactions of the friends and family.
As I was reading I wondered if you were planning to make a series of books from this novel. I think it could definitely lend itself to more.
Star rated highly and watchlisted for now,
Cheers Jacoba

Penny Leigh wrote 1100 days ago

DEMON IN THE KNIGHT-

The opening chapter hooked me soone as I had the chance. This has some amazing touches of character to it. If I was an Agent, I would want to pick this up.

Penny
The Glass Serpent

Blaze2694 wrote 1111 days ago

I've only read the first three chapters, but already I'm drawn in. It seems that Liam and Karen were made for each other. He wants a normal down to earth girl and she wants a super charged bad boy turned good. Perfect!

I've never been one for negative criticism but, does the paragraph about the trees and where the mountains lie need to so dry? There's probably a few ways to liven that section up. Like "I've lived near The Smoky mountains for so long but, I've always been amazed at how beautiful the trees can become." Something like that.

I mean, that's just an unbiased observation. But, I hope that you'll take it under consideration.

curiousturtle wrote 1181 days ago

Kristin

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

Again, I apologize for the late response.

The first thing that jumps here is the emotional map of the heroine. We have the worst nightmare known to mankind

to quote Sartre: the self as other....the other as hell

And so the jewel on your narrative is the urgency, the heroine that fears something she does not understand.
that of course is the worst fear for,

we fear the most that which we know the least.

and so the claustrophobia starts.....

.......ohhhhhhhhh......

Is a very cinematic start. And it works as such.

"Nicole had....

The descriptions work also well. Obviously you have a taste for detail, for the specific word that sets a mind image. For this type of literature, that is the critical skill.

"Well, you see...dark
the dialogue is compressed and colloquial . That also works (i.e. again the same skill, the eye for the specific word)

Some of my favorites

"one, two three, nothing......"
I like this because by counting, rather than saying "she counted" you allow the counting to unfold on the reader's mind

"the hooting of an owl"

"Suddenly...."
this whole paragraph works again, because by being specific in your description, you allow the emotion to unfold on the reader's mind

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost point;

The experience of disembodiment could be worked a bit further:
you write: "Karen felt cool....
instead: "Cool hands gripped her wrists, her chest crushed by a tank. She lied still, silently; "Please....
why?
Because if you are going to disembody her, you want the third person narrative "to take hold of her" so that the reader feels it as such

I would also cut a bit on the modifiers:
"frantically flipped" "wavy a bit"
why?
Because, as Updike says, a writer that knows how to compress (i.e. and you do know how to compress) should let reader fill in the blanks.

Hope it helps, happy to back you

Overall wonderful

david

MadHatter wrote 1201 days ago

This is really good! I like the plot and all that happens!
Added to my watchlist!

child wrote 1257 days ago

Demon in the Knight - This is a good concept and the author has plotted an exciting story line as her short and long pitches clearly show. However, for me, the story did not move forward as quickly as I thought it should and became bogged down in unnecessary details. Chapter three, in which Liam is introduced, is a good example of this. Yes, the reader does want to know about the characters, their role in the story and a little of their backstory but this is often best achieved by releasing it slowly to entwine with an ongoing narrative.
The author, in her profile, acknowledges there is to work to done on her book and I would urge her to do it. With extensive rewriting, editing and polishing this could stand out from the crowd.

Child - Atramentus Speaks

Jedah Mayberry wrote 1268 days ago

I apologize for the delay in responding. Backed.

Jedah Mayberry
-Slow Train Comin'

Meeya0407 wrote 1270 days ago

Love where this story is going... Can't wait to read more!

D W McD wrote 1288 days ago

Very interesting. I want to read on even more, but I'd like the paper in front of me. I am part of the youth audience you would target with this kind of literature, and it's really got potential. Better than a lot of other works I have seen that were not on the final edit stages. I see a few misplaced, or misused quote brackets, but those are minor, and disappear further into your work. Goodluck with this, and hopefully you can get back to me. I'm more on the fantasy side with my writing as well, so hopefully you will like my YA+ writing.

I will suggest one thing though....you are using third person perspective, and this is good for this story, but I would try and use more of the unknowing quality of the third person to add mystery to your story. Explaining things makes it easier to get pulled into the story, but ultimately, what gets me reading into a novel, is the unsolved feelings and questions that are left on the character being talked about. I am curious to see Paige and Liam together. Only finished section three.

Well, all the best. You get my first comment in well over a month! Certainly Backed.

D W McDougald (The Last Stealth)

Green H wrote 1301 days ago

Now i find myself on page 13 and i am still going strong.
Just an error i have noted:

on page 13 almost at the bottom of the page you have a par:

' "that's what I would picture a ghost to look like, " Trevor threw in. He then looked directly into Liam's eyes with a furrowed brow. he was thinking that Liam was. Gage. Though Gage, obviously, wasn't a ghost. Just seem creep '

Must 'he was thinking that Liam was' not be he was thinking "what" Liam was and
'just seem creep' not be just "some" creep.
correct me if i am wrong.
Ill comment further as i go along.
green h

Green H wrote 1302 days ago

i have reached page 9 and still reading strong. I will do my final comments when i am done but for now i just have to say : well done
backed with pleasure
green h - through green's eyes

dreamertothemax wrote 1304 days ago

The pitch definitely intrigued me, and I read well into the fifth or sixth chapter. Your style reminds me LJ Smith (which is a massive compliment coming from me) and I like your characters. The chemistry was crackling when Liam kissed Paige's wrist, so you really managed to bring that scene alive.

Backed.
Leila
Life Is Not A Love Song

flower girl wrote 1327 days ago

This story is brilliant for the young adult market. I love the characters and the dialogue and attitudes are very realistic. Backed.

AlexandraBelle wrote 1339 days ago

This is really, really awesome. I'm in chapter 3, and I am hooked! You are so talented. I am amazed by your writing.

Backed x

Lynne wrote 1340 days ago

This is a very unusual premise and I think you carry it off well. Good characters and dialogue and your descriptions are clear and vivid. The story is enjoyable and I think YAs will love this. Lynne, Brooklyn Bridge.

brinskie1 wrote 1341 days ago

Demon in the Knight - I haven't read enough to understand 'Knight' in the title, but the story is off to a good start and on my shelf. As you say, there is some edit work to do - quite a few unnecessary words and redundant phrases, [ 'Nicole retorted back' - 'calm herself down' - a tendency to use 'and added' and other unnecessary phrases before or after dialogue - an occasional strange sentence 'She emphasized each word by nodding her head with each, distinctly saying each one separately' ] all easy things to correct in your next edit. Good luck, you have an excellent base to work with.
G
Einstein's Road Trip [ I would be interested in your take on Einstein if your time allows. Thanks ]

BiGrin wrote 1342 days ago

Hi ! Remember me? The book cover? I'd forgotten all about this site. I've decided that I'm not a writer.

I've just created a Deviantart account http://bigrin69.deviantart.com/

Good luck with the book !

Pete :o)

DMHeadley wrote 1347 days ago

Excellent storyline. very well written with a great pitch.
Backed with pleasure.

Dawn
My Friends and Me / Sammy and the Wise Willow

CarolinaAl wrote 1352 days ago

A gripping journey filled with surprises. Fascinating characters with real emotions. Excellent dialogue and narrative. Intriguing storyline. Backed.

DeLuca wrote 1353 days ago

I am really enjoying this. The opening does a good job of drawing us into the supernatural world and shows the power that its inhabitants have over humans. (Interestingly I have a sleep paralysis thing at the end of chapter 5 in my book). The characters are interesting and easy to imagine as living people. I like the way that Paige compares herself to her friend. Also the dialogue is well written and flows off the page. One teeny tiny thing I would say is that in the opening, the line: she felt like her chest were being crushed by a tank due to her lack of being able to breathe' sounds a little clunky. Maybe just 'she gaped- it felt like her chest was being crushed' or 'a weight like a tank crushed the air from her lungs' or something. I don't know, but that was the only bit. Otherwise top notch! You have a winner here!

Backed

Stuart (The Awakening)

Lynne Ellison wrote 1354 days ago

A very interesting fantasy, very suitable for teenagers. I like the allusions to R. A Salvatore's Drizzt novels. Rather a slow start, though

Lynne Ellison

The Green Bronze Mirror

Walden Carrington wrote 1355 days ago

Kristin,
Demon in the Knight grips the reader from the prologue with Karen's terrifying dream. The synopsis reveals a chilling plot I never could have imagined before I read it. Only a fraction of writers can write in this fantasy genre and you are certainly one of them. Your originality shines in this compelling narrative. Backed.

nsllee wrote 1355 days ago

Hi Kristin

What a chilling idea! I like the setting and the Native American thing, which adds an unusual dimension. It's also clever to have Paige obsessed with fantasy novels - very self-referential. Good amusing dialogue and a natural credible milieu. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

Owen Quinn wrote 1358 days ago

This is actually a very clever coming of age and a journey of self discovery against a supernatural backdrop, nature or nurture is always intriguing and it is written exceedingly well here, his inner turmoil deftly handled with avery very visual, very tight storyline, well done;.

Elizabeth Wolfe wrote 1359 days ago

Dear Kristin,

Your opening chapter is so well written! You've captured the anxiety and confusion that comes with waking from a dream that seems real. In this case, apparently it is real. You draw an intriguing and realistic scene.

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

K.McCracken wrote 1361 days ago

Just finished chapter 22. I tried working on my own story today but couldn't concentrate on anything but Paige and Liam. I hope you plan to upload more. I want to know who was on the other end of the call that Liam received and what's going to happen next for this super couple.. Seriously though, this story is fantastic. You have an official fan. Please let me know if you upload more.
~K

K.McCracken wrote 1362 days ago

I'm stopping at chapter eight to say I am really loving this story. It would be a pleasure to back.
~K. McCracken
What the Heart Wants

Richard Daybell wrote 1363 days ago

Engaging characters in a fascinating story, deftly developed. Happy to back.

DP Walker wrote 1367 days ago

Hi Kristin
This is a really powerful start. The prologue hits the reader hard with lots of action and suspense. I could feel my heart pounding as I read it. Then the rest of the story is more informative, telling us some of the background and what happens. I got totally absorbed in this and like it a lot. The quote from John Lennon was a nice touch as well.
DP Walker
Five Dares

name falied moderation wrote 1367 days ago

Dear Kristin
What a good book. I started reading this some time ago and just wanted to let you know, now finished. I have already commented and backed your book a while ago, but cannot see the backing anywhere. So i am taking the time to back it again because I believe your book is WORTH IT

BEST OF LUCK
Denise

evwalker wrote 1371 days ago

This is quite good. A very original idea for a novel.
I identified with Paige... she reminded me a bit of me, since I spent much of my teen years with my nose in a book (fantasy, of course!)
You write very well; I found nothing to nitpick in what I read.
Best of luck!



Roxanne Kade wrote 1375 days ago

Wow Kristin you are highly talented and I was engrossed from the very beginning!
I love your characters and felt like I had become apart of their lives, feeling their emotions. This is definitely a page turner and I couldn't stop. I am so glad I backed this and kept it on my WL to read more of. I hope you will post more....otherwise please let me know when it gets published so I can buy a copy!! :)

Just one small thing I noticed ( and trust me it is really small ) - Ch.2 "I don't want to get into this with you again, Nicole," she said in an irritated voice." - I think you may have added the third inverted comma in error.

The best of luck. I believe this story will go far.
Roxanne
Therian

Stafford and Melton wrote 1381 days ago

Added to the watchlist for later!
Melissa (+ Amanda)
Burns Like the Sun

Despinas1 wrote 1410 days ago

Hi Kristin, I've backed your novel, because your pitch is outstanding, the story is original, and because if I were in a bookstore, reading the pitch, I would have definitely bought the book, on the strength of your pitch. I'm looking forward to reading it, just as I would if I had just purchased it. Congratulations on your amazing work.
Helen

delhui wrote 1413 days ago

Dear Kristin --

In Paige and Liam, you have created two strong, authentic characters whose voices are distinguishable from other characters -- for instance, we could easily tell throughout whether Paige or Nicole was speaking. Not easy to do early on in a story, especially with teenage girls' speech, but you do it well. Liam has his own much darker sense when we're in his POV, and though it's hard for us to say with 100% certainty, we believe you captured a teenage boy's angst and process very well.

Other notes: The premise is strongly laid out and carried through, with a nice balance of action and dialogue. Like most works -- sadly, published ones too -- the story could use a hard edit for grammar and punctuation, but those are easy fixes.

What sold us is the relationship between Paige and Liam; their dynamic is genuine, interesting, and spirited (no pun intended!). BACKED -- Delhui, The Long Black Veil

M. Penney wrote 1414 days ago

When, not if, your book gets published I will certainly buy it. What a great read, I really enjoyed it and will back it again.
Best of luck,
Michelle

Tom B wrote 1417 days ago

I didn't think I was going to enjoy this but I did. Onto Chapter 6 now and only one thing I noticed that I think is wrong, I don't think off-spring should be hyphenated.

Daniel Manning wrote 1420 days ago

Demon in the Knight high school creed is that romance is the great equailizer when we see two relatively displaced people flourish in each others company. Stunning Smokey Mountain description is made so brilliantly vivid by the clear precise writing that the ceder and the hickoriry come across as different, like Paige and Liam. Displaced because they don't seem very at ease with their human counterparts does this mean something more, I'm backing Demon in the Knight to find out.
Daniel Manning
No Compatibility

Robert Mourningstar wrote 1422 days ago

Nice opening sequence with the dream. You writing is nice and smooth. It is very easy to under stand. The shivering and feeling of being frozen in a dream are things that many people have experience. I enjoyed the first chapter. I will be backing your work. Take a look at my book if you get a chance.

Robert Sherwood wrote 1423 days ago

I really like a good father son inner struggle. I am backing this book for sure. Please take a short read of my book and let me know what you think. Thanks.