Book Jacket

 

rank 1351
word count 60878
date submitted 13.11.2009
date updated 11.11.2010
genres: Fiction, Science Fiction, Fantasy, ...
classification: universal
complete

Shooting Stars

FJ Watson

The power to save a world and protect the innocent is ancient. Is there anyone who is worthy and talented enough to use it?

 

Terra is a young princess on Corbian who loves anything to do with the Shooting Stars. They were a group of courageous heroes that once protected her planet yet have long since vanished. Their heroic acts have become legends and bedtime stories.

Now Corbian is under attack by an ancient enemy. With their sole protectors gone the people are defenseless. Only after Terra has witnessed the massacre of her people and her love does she find the ancient powers that will transform select people into Shooting Stars.

After Terra flees her world, she finds five teens who accept the powers; yet tragedy strikes amid their first battle. Success and tragedy go hand in hand with being a super hero. In their personal trials the new Shooting Stars must find a way to save two friends. Then they must learn to deal with their grief and continue, for their world is under attack.

 
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tags

action, adventure, martial arts, nature, space, super hero, teen, young adult

on 14 watchlists

87 comments

 

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Chapters

10

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CH 9 CAPTURE

    Black Star waited, crouched in the undergrowth, at the edge of the reservation.  He was far enough from the settlement that he would not come into contact with anyone he did not want to see.  It wasn’t long when he saw the one named Kim walk along the leaf strewn path.  She was small and slender.  The top of her head came only to his chin.  He saw her cheeks blush and his heart skipped a beat.

    Kim passed Black Star without seeing him.  His skills as a hunter came in handy.  Quietly he approached her from behind.  He noticed her body tense and she looked around.  Then he grabbed her hand and she let out a startled scream.

    Black Star was amazed at Kim’s strength as she wrenched her hand from his.  He saw the amazement and confusion in her eyes.  A smirk crossed his face as he enjoyed her reaction.  He laughed when she bought out her golden star from her back pocket.  He backhanded her and all the items in both hands were knocked away.  Little Miss Kim didn’t realize that the power was within her and she didn’t need the star.  It had only been a means of awakening something already inside her.  She was going to be fun to play with.

    Black Star leaped at Kim but she dived and rolled to evade him.  Perhaps she had some talent after all.  Then he saw her go to her communicator on her wrist.  He did not want the others to get involved just yet.  He backhanded her again.  Kim fell into the bush where her things had fallen and lay still.

    Cautiously he approached her.  He crouched down beside her and watched her slow, even breathing.  He raised one of her hands and let it go.  It dropped to the cool earth.  He had knocked her out, but she was alive.

    After Black Star had gathered the things she had dropped he gently picked up the slender form of Kim and teleported away.

***

    A short time later Kim woke up in a room filled with mist.  “Where am I?”  She asked herself.  She went for her communicator, but it was gone.  Then she grabbed for her star.  It was gone as well.

    “I’m in big trouble,” Kim whispered as she remembered the fight and where her star was.

    Kim heard someone near.  She thought for a moment, and then laid flat on her stomach.  There was a thin layer, near the floor, where there was no mist.  She saw white boots, just like the ones she and the other Shooting Stars wore, walk into the room.  She thought of the man who had attacked her and knew it must be him.  She was still confused.  Why would a fellow Shooting Star attack her?  In a distant corner a light blinked and attracted her attention.  Relief filled her as she noticed her things, though she couldn’t get to them.

    “Show yourself, Purple Star,” a deep voice ordered.  “I know you have regained consciousness.  The sensors in this room picked up your movement.”  His feet passed very close to her as he walked to the back wall.  “Perhaps you don’t care to hear the news of your friends.  You see I know that your leader, White Star, will be captured by Red Star very soon.  It is rather amusing really.  Without him the remainder of the Shooting Stars will crumble.”

    “Who is White Star?  And who is Red Star?” Kim thought as her captor spoke of what he would do to her friends.  “If I’m Purple Star and White Star is our leader than that would make . . .” Suddenly it became clear to her and she jumped up in protest, “Don’t harm Chris!”

    “Don’t worry.  I won’t do anything to White Star.  My orders are to destroy you, Purple Star.  Or should I say Kim?”

    “How do you my name and how do you know the color that my power has become when I just found out about it myself?”

    “I know a lot about you and your friends.  Your kindness is your weakness.  Now, get down on your knees and beg for mercy.  Perhaps I will be merciful and listen to your pitiful pleas.”

    “I will never beg mercy from you,” Kim said as she dove for her star and communicator.

    “Bad move,” Black Star said, pointing his crooked sword at her.  Kim quickly transported herself out.  She appeared in Star Command with Brandon and Kit staring at her.

    “Chris is in trouble,” Kim said suddenly.

    “What are you talking about?” Brandon asked.  “Chris just left with Terra to the Commons Area to have lunch.”

    “Terra’s back.  Then they’re both in danger.”

    “Slow down Kim and tell us what you mean,” Kit said.

    “I was captured by a Shooting Star. His uniform had what looked like a galaxy and he had on a black mask.  He bragged about how we will crumble without our leader, White Star, and that Red Star was going to capture him.  The one who captured me must be called Black Star and White Star must be Chris.  He’s our only leader,” Kim explained rather quickly.

    “Those colors again,” Brandon whispered as he looked at the lighted pillars.

    “Who’s Black Star?” Kit asked.

    “Black Star is a very evil Shooting Star, although he can be freed from the spell,” Ryan explained.  He appeared out of nowhere to answer the question.  “The color black is one of the evil colors, thankfully, one of the weaker ones.”

    “Why would a Shooting Star want to kill another Shooting Star?” Brandon asked.

    “When the powers are forced on someone, it puts them under an evil spell.  It doesn’t take much.  Zeniff must have found a star and a way to force it onto a person.”

    “Black Star said something about a Red Star.  Is red another evil color?” Kim asked.

    “Yes, he has found two of the many stars.  Red is one of the most evil colors.  Only a person with a very strong good side could have such an evil color when under the spell.  I can tell you no more.  You must find everything else out for yourself.”

    “We need to warn Chris and Terra,” Kit remembered.

    “Try contacting them,” Kit suggested.

    After several attempts Brandon answered, “He’s not responding, or he can’t hear it.”

    “Or they already have him,” Kim sighed.  Together they decided to go look for themselves.

***

    Christopher and Red Star were on a course for the Commons Area, when suddenly Corps appeared.  Chris stepped in front of Terra to protect her.  Red Star bent down, picked some dust up, and sprinkled it over his head, saying, “Sleep, White Star.”  After that he knew no more.

***

    Kit, Kim, and Brandon ran past the spot where Christopher and Red Star had been, but they hadn’t seen them disappear seconds before.  They continued on to the Commons Area.

    “Eric, has Chris recently stopped by this location?” Brandon asked.

    “No.  If I see him, though, I’ll let him know you’re looking for him.”

    “Thanks Eric,” Kit said.

    Kim motioned her friends to come back to her.  “I’m sure they’ve been captured.  What are we going to do?”

    “We need to go back to Star Command,” Kit replied.  “And tell Marie.  Who knows what they’ll do to them and what they have in store for us?”

    The team returned to Star Command and contacted Marie.  She seemed very worried, for Christopher more than Terra, but could not leave work for fear she would get fired.

***

    Terra watched while Red Star took them back to Zeniff’s ship.  She was relieved that she had not done anything to Chris yet.  Now she waited, in the bloody uniform, beside an unconscious Christopher, held up by chains.  Several hours had passed when he started to stir and Terra felt Red Star change her position so that she faced him.  His eyes fluttered and finally he looked around.

    “What happened?  Where am I?” Chris whispered to himself.  He paused a moment.  It looked like he was remembering what had happened. “Where’s Terra?”  He looked up and his eyes fell on Red Star.  He yelled at his captor, “Where is Terra?”  And struggled against his chains.

    “She’s safe, for now.  You know, you humans heal very slowly,” Red Star said, coldly.

    “Who are you and what have you done with Terra?” Chris ordered to know as he tried to break free of the chains.  Terra knew that he wanted to get at the forbidding Red Star.

    “I am Red Star, the greatest Shooting Star.”

    “Just because you have the power and wear the armor doesn’t mean you’re a Shooting Star.”

    “Terra would give her life for you or anyone else.  Is she a Shooting Star?”

    “Yes, she’s the greatest Shooting Star,” Chris said.  Then he added, “She’s greater than you.”

    “Chris, Chris,” Terra called.  She realized the danger he was making for himself as he made Red Star mad.

    “Terra?” Chris called.  “Terra, where are you?”

    “Terra can’t answer you.  She’s far away.”

    “Chris.  Chris, help.”

    “I can hear her.  What is happening to her?”

    “I didn’t hear anything.  Since when did you last sleep?”

    Christopher didn’t answer.  His eyes kept the steely guise.  “I know I heard someone,” Chris thought. 

    “You did hear someone,” Terra cried.  “You heard me, Terra.”

    “Can you hear me when I think?  I can hear you in my mind like a thought,” Chris thought.  “You must be telepathic.”

    “I never thought that I could hear you when you think.  It would give us a private conversation, for once.  I haven’t been able to contact anyone until now.  I missed you guys so much.  I thought about you all the time.”

    “Where are you?” Chris asked.

    Christopher’s eyes had taken on a look of deep concentration.  Red Star snarled and lashed out at him.

    “Chris, Chris.  Oh this stupid spell.  I have to get myself out of it somehow.”

    “What were you thinking about so hard?” Red Star asked.  Christopher kept his mouth shut.  “No matter.  No one can save you now.”

    “What do you plan to do?”

    “I plan to kill you, and then one by one I will kill the others.  Or maybe I should just imprison you and kill the others in front of your eyes.  Which would you like?”

    “You won’t get away with this.  There are four other Shooting Stars against you and Zeniff’s army.”

    “Actually there is Black Star, Zeniff, Corps, and Zeniff’s army, and myself against four.  Or if my companion does his job, there will be only three or two.”

     “Leave them alone!” Chris demanded.  Terra could see his love and concern for his friends in his eyes.

    “You are in a fine position to be giving me orders,” Red Star laughed.

    “Let me free of these chain and I’ll give you my orders,” Chris whispered, harshly.

    “Do you think I am so foolish?  I was schooled by the highest teachers of Corba.  Our schools are much more advanced than your schools ever could be.”

    “So you’re a Corba, like Terra.  Why do you betray your loyalty to your Princess, King, and Planet?”

    “I don’t have to show any loyalty to anyone.  Not even Zeniff.  I am my own person.”

    “I am the leader of the Shooting Stars, as well as you.  I command you to release me.”

    “I take orders from no one,” Red Star said as she walked up to Christopher so that he would be able to feel her breath.  “I am sick of listening to you.  It is a good time to die, is it not?”

    With all her strength, Terra shielded Christopher.  Red Star’s sword swung down as he held his eyes open with pride.  There was a crash as the sword shattered and she dropped it, pain stealing her control.

    “What did you think you could prevent?” Red Star scolded.

    “What did I do?” Chris asked.  His eyes were wide.

    “Terra,” Red Star whispered as she left the room, slamming the door behind her.  Christopher didn’t cease to try to break from his chains.

    “Chris,” Terra called.  Her voice reached him, but it was very faint.

    “I hear you, Terra.  But your voice is very faint.”

    “I’m sorry I put you in such danger.  All of you.”

    “Don’t worry about it.  It’s Red Star and her comrade I’m worried about.  Red Star is powerful, but at least she listens a bit.”

    “Chris, I am Red Star,” Terra said sadly.  “I brought you here.”

    “What?  You tried to kill me and save me at the same time?”

    “It’s not really me.  It’s my body.  I’m trapped inside my mind.”

    “Do you know who Red Star’s companion is?”

    “Black Star is Sky, the native Marie and Kim met and are helping.”

    “Kim went back to the reservation.”

    “Black Star probably has her already, then, because Red Star sent him to capture her.”

    “Can you contact Kit, Brandon, and Marie?”

    “I’ll try, but I want to free you first.”

    “You can’t do that?”

    “Why not?  One of my powers is to manipulate objects.  I can move the instruments within the cuffs to release you.  I have never done this before but, if I give it all my effort, I can do it.  Afterwards, I shall be tiered and you shall be on your own.  The shield was a little difficult.  Your star and communicator are in the corner to your right.”

    “I see them.  Terra, you need to gain your strength back.  Worn the guys and don’t worry about me.”

    Terra did try to contact the team, but she wasn’t able to contact anyone.  She was very tiered and she knew that if she tried to set Chris free, she could possibly do Red Star’s work for her.  Kill her.

    “I must rest so I can gain control, or I shall soon die in here.  And then Red Star will rule forever.”

 

Chapters

10

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Sheila Belshaw wrote 1201 days ago

SHOOTING STARS:

FJ,

An excellent prologue that sets the scene and compels you to read on. You are a born story-teller. The writing is fast paced and the prose is smooth and easy to read. Great characterisation and description. This is a real page turner.

Backed.
Sheila (Pinpoint)

Sharahzade wrote 1217 days ago

Your book has stunning images that embellish the telling of a fascinating story. Shooting Stars would be as the super heroes of today. They are so powerful I can envision them in my mind as I read your descriptions.

I love stories about children. I have one here at home that takes up so much of my attention. In the passing of such short time, they grow out of blessed childhood and then the little ones we shelter and care for are no more, replaced by people grown into the way we mold them. Hopefully, it is well done.

You mold your characters as if they are your children. I believe all writers do that to an extent.

Thank you for the honor to read your lovely, descriptive writing.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck
Author of A King in Time

kevinwong_HoD wrote 1280 days ago

Hi FJ! I say this honestly: your book is one of the best I have ever read. Shooting Stars begins with such heart and wonderful settings, and the characters and world seem so lively and filled with your love for them as their creator, I can picture everything in my head - like I'm watching a movie inside my brain. Very few books have done this for me in my lifetime. The first Harry Potter book, and the first Chronicles of Narnia book, are two of the only books that also accomplished this feat. I try my best in my own Heroes of Destiny books to make them living movies in people's brains, but I don't know how successful I am. Your book has done it surely. I am backing this immediately, and I want so much for you to get a book deal! :-)

Yours Truly,

Kevin Wong
Author of Heroes of Destiny

DMC wrote 1306 days ago

FJ
My spidey senses are tingling. I have been eagerly watching this book, as it got closer to the top of my watch list. This is a wonderful premise. Very enticing.
Now, most comment on the opening chapter so I thought I’d go for something a little different and after reading the prologue, I jumped into ch13 to try to give you some variety to you feedback.
Explosion:
Unlucky for some, but not for you! This is a fine chapter.
You know, this is so easy to drop into, even though I’ve missed all the set up. Sure, I’m a little unfamiliar with it all, but this is written in such a way that I can tell you have a very interesting story here. Poor Chris. We all know what it is like to miss someone. I also like the realistic dialogue and very credible characterisation going on. What a moving scene as Terra says her goodbyes. Love the idea of burying a person within a star. Far out!
‘In a dream, I will tell him.’ – great line.
A few minor typos, but nothing major. Just a little polishing and I reckon you are good to go. You have an incredible imagination and the ability to spin an engaging yarn. Quality story telling.
Shelved with pleasure
David
Green Ore

ellen911 wrote 1169 days ago

An enchanting tale told with a gentleness that places readers at ease. Like listening to a tale by a beloved auntie nestled in a cosy chair by the fire. Lovely!
I would suggest some narration of the characters in ch 1 while the father shares their story with his daughter. Drop in some details of their appearances and behaviors.
Nicely written.
Backed,
Ellen (Thoughts of a Teenage Girl)

emywoo84 wrote 1176 days ago

Classic in style with beautiful imagery. There are a couple of issues, but nothing that won't be ironed out in editing. Backed for sure :)

K.Z. Freeman wrote 1186 days ago

entertaining read, good writing.

backed

lisawb wrote 1188 days ago

This is good, it has imagination, creativity and yet feels so authentic. There are some beautiful descriptions that place you in a top league of writing.
Shooting Stars should shoot straight to the top.

Backed with pleasure.

Lisa

A Fine Line

StaKC wrote 1189 days ago

Interesting premise. Beginning was incredibly sad. This should appeal to teens, and more than a few adults. Good luck!

Famlavan wrote 1189 days ago

Like your short pitch!

Gooooood start, small point of fact, still dark and sunrise in the same paragraph.
Wow wet nurse vanishing wasn’t ready for that (I’m going to have to start reading other comments).
I very much like the structure of the book, Dialogue neat, narrative balanced – Good luck

Joss64 wrote 1190 days ago

Backed with pleasure! Joss Morris (A Bore No More)

snickerdoddle wrote 1190 days ago

Wonderful story so far look forward to reading when I get home tonite.Back and many blessings to you.
Karen

zan wrote 1191 days ago

Shooting Stars
FJ Watson

FJ,
I love your title and cover. This is an exciting plot you have here with a super hero element and the good versus evil theme in which Terra your MC uncovers ancient powers which could transform people into shooting stars, and hopefully, save the world which is under attack by an ancient enemy.
This sounds like the makings of a good superhero film actually. Your prologue set the stage well with the old woman vanishing with the infant princess. In chapter 1 (HC ch 2 upload) we are introduced to Terra in the bedtime story scene and the reader begins to identify with her. I thought so far this was intersting , well written and you managed to bring to life in a very vivd way this alternative fantasy world you have created, which I think is a testament to your imagination and creativity. Happy to support this FJ.
Zan

GuardsMann81 wrote 1192 days ago

Great start. Them vanishing really sets the tone for the rest of the book. Backed.

Weston Kincade
Invisible Dawn

Tony Lewis wrote 1194 days ago

Not my type of book, but it was an enjoyable read all the same. I did find the pitch a little lame, though - more like a synopsis you'd give to an agent rather than a magnetic pitch to pull me in. It started off well but faltered a little in the latter paragraphs (I thought).
I did like the prologue, though. Nice and simple but effective page turner at the end.
I read two chapters, but sorry, I can't offer much of use. I can see it will have a good all round appeal, especially to the younger adults.
Backed for you.
Tony (If Only I Could Talk)

missyfleming_22 wrote 1195 days ago

Starts off with an interesting mystery and builds from there. You are such a vivid writer and have created a wonderful story. Such a pleasure to read!

Missy

Melcom wrote 1197 days ago

What an intriguing world you have created.

Your characters carry the story and I regard this as an ideal read for your target audience.

Great work.

Melxx

damaris13 wrote 1198 days ago

Definitely a book I would add to my YA collection here at school. A few errors that a good proofreader will catch, but a captivating story nonetheless.
Backed, with pleasure,

JLux
Finding Letta

lizjrnm wrote 1201 days ago

This is a pitch perfect young adult book! It has a little and a lot of everything so far! Your prose is polished and your dialogue is snappy! Love it and BACKED - will return tonight for more! Thanks.

Liz
The Cheech Room

Raymond Nickford wrote 1201 days ago

It was as well to focus in the Prologue on the detail of the birth, for in short paragraphs that carry your pace, you quickly give a sense of something special about the little girl - particularly with the cliffhanger at the end when, 'The old woman looked about her to make sure that nobody was about to notice her...and touched something on [the infant princess's] wrist.'
As her father lovingly relates the magic of the past to her, Terra, despite the gift that she will later demonstrate when in her extremity, is nevertheless like any delightful little child; full of awkward little questions, while there is a sense of warmth and tenderness between father and daughter.
Chapter 2, ending on that poignant moment when Ester passes away before her husband, Jonathan, still leaves that sense of challenge: that Terra will now be brought up without a mother and must be strong to cope with all that will make demands on her in the story which your synopsis so well promises. Backed
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

Sheila Belshaw wrote 1201 days ago

SHOOTING STARS:

FJ,

An excellent prologue that sets the scene and compels you to read on. You are a born story-teller. The writing is fast paced and the prose is smooth and easy to read. Great characterisation and description. This is a real page turner.

Backed.
Sheila (Pinpoint)

Harper Alexander wrote 1204 days ago

The first chapter starts the story off with intrigue. Early into the second chapter, as you're describing the Shooting Stars and their attire, we see at once that you have a vivid imagination and fascinating ideas. I am certainly delighted, and will keep this on my watchlist for a full read! Will return as soon as possible with further comments.

Cheers!
Harper Alexander,
Bounty

Maria Herring wrote 1208 days ago

Nice. The prologue leaves the reader with an intriguing hook, and the end of chapter one is touching and poignant. It has an interesting cross-genre feel, and I'll keep with reading with enthusiasm.

Maria.

lionel25 wrote 1209 days ago

FJ, your prologue swept me into the first chapter. Good work. Great narrative and dialogue.

Happy to back this.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

bonalibro wrote 1215 days ago

Hi,

I backed your book some time ago.
I wonder if you might have a look at mine
Good luck with it.

Tim Chambers
Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes.

Sharahzade wrote 1217 days ago

Your book has stunning images that embellish the telling of a fascinating story. Shooting Stars would be as the super heroes of today. They are so powerful I can envision them in my mind as I read your descriptions.

I love stories about children. I have one here at home that takes up so much of my attention. In the passing of such short time, they grow out of blessed childhood and then the little ones we shelter and care for are no more, replaced by people grown into the way we mold them. Hopefully, it is well done.

You mold your characters as if they are your children. I believe all writers do that to an extent.

Thank you for the honor to read your lovely, descriptive writing.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck
Author of A King in Time

udasmaan wrote 1219 days ago

this a story the kind of story hat i have always loved, and you have written it well. good luch with it. backed

Shah

C.C.McKinnon wrote 1223 days ago

Your first chapter sets the tone, pace and theme well, but I loved the 2nd. The relationship between father and daughter is beautifully written. You give the reader a lot of information in the story, but it is never too much, the pitch is just right. There is a classic feel to this story and I am very glad I discovered it.

JupiterGirl wrote 1227 days ago

Hi FJ, From the taught and gripping prologue to the action packed subsequent chapters. This is a thriller that delivers. Backed JupiterGirl (Twins of the Astral Plane)

Paige Pendleton wrote 1229 days ago

You create with a complete fantasy with an effective economy of words. I think this will appeal to a broad audience. Backed.

jtgradishar wrote 1230 days ago

The prologue caught my attention, and chapter one convinced me. This is a good yard. Good, clean prose and an interesting concept. The characters are there and, with a bit more work in coming chapters, I think will becomgin truly endearing.

A veyr nice piece! Backed.

yasmin esack wrote 1233 days ago

oh wow what a ttreat for ya
backed

Estelene wrote 1239 days ago

Hi, F.J.! While I don't read a lot of fantasy, I read your book because of your profile. Your book is sweet and sounds like a classic tale that I might have put into child's hands when the world is too sad. I do have one suggestion: It's a shame to see a story that has potential marred by errors that might stop an editor from reading, and you have some instances where you've chosen the wrong word. One is in the first paragraph: "attendance" when you mean "attendants." Another is in the fourth: "council" when I believe you mean "counsel." In Chapter 12, you use "your" instead of "you're." While spell-check won't flag these, grammar-check probably will. Of course, an editor might look past this, but you might not want to take the chance on it.

Grailer wrote 1239 days ago

Watson
I took the advice and went to CH12. Good action as claimed. Prologue is a gripper as well.
Backed
James

Charlie.78 wrote 1242 days ago

Your writting has a natural flow that makes story telling seem effortless. You paint a vivid world with great characters. One point I will make just my opinion the first chapter seems to have a bigger impact than the prolouge. Not that the prolouge wasn't good but if the first chapter was your start I felt it had the better hook, but like i said just my opinion. Backed and good luck.

Charlie. x

CBrooks wrote 1245 days ago

Lovely prologue establishing the story to come! I like your writing style, which is classic and descriptive, using speech to help define characters.

A couple of small questions; "She had used her gift to quid and council." I don't understand what quid means in this context? Also, in the first para and also later on you say "pain of children's birth", but it is a child's birth, not children? Sorry if these seem like nit-picking points but I hope bringing them up is useful! Well done on the opening, I have shelved this to read later.

Carrots wrote 1245 days ago

The Prologue establishes a real air of mystery. Who is the old lady and what are her special powers? To find out, the reader has to continue. Backed.

Francis Albert McGrath wrote 1246 days ago

It reads like a fairytale, with the same mythic resonance and depth. Simple elegant prose (a lot of "tell" rather than "show" but that's okay in this genre) and a magical atmosphere.
Shelved
Frank

LN wrote 1247 days ago

Hello FJ,

A sure hit with the YA crowd.
Enjoyed and backing this for its stylish prose and quality writing.

Lalit Navani ( Femme Fatale )

bookjunky wrote 1249 days ago

FJ,

Like any good book, "Shooting Stars" lures us in with engaging writing and hooks us with great hook. Nicely done. You are on my bookshelf!
If you get a chance, would you mind checking ot my book, "The Wild, Wild Quest"? I appreciate any and all comments/feedback I can get.

Best of luck,
J. A. Johnson
(The Wild, Wild Quest)
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=13246

Helena wrote 1251 days ago

Hi FJ, I really like this story, it reads very well, the prose have a nice flow to them. The prologue is strong and adds a lot of questions who is the white haired woman and why did she steal Esters baby. The second chapter sets everything up nicely, the legends of Corbian are told as fairytales I think this angle is effective and the bond between father and daughter comes across really well. I also like the mention of Esters visions and why she keeps them secret like the others with her talent, more questions. Then you mention when he comes, first I thought you meant their baby son but he dies so again more questions. All the questions keep the pace nicely and make me want to keep reading. I enjoyed this story and it's on my shelf. Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

Bob Steele wrote 1252 days ago

Shooting Stars is a classic 'coming of age' fantasy with the heroine discovering ancient powers and embarking on a quest to save her world. The sci-fi twist adds distinctiveness and broadens the appeal to a wider target audience - and this is a story that promises plenty of drama and adventure. Your style of writng IMHO is more likely to appeal to children/YA than adult sci-fi fans; if this is not your intended audience you may need to make your characters and dialogue a little more sophisticated. Overall an easy read that I'm happy to back.
One editorial issue - by the time I got to C3 I was getting irritated by all the dialogue tags and qualifiers [commanded, whispered, complained, said in his cheerful voice, and so on]. 'Said' is usually sufficient, and I suggest any qualifiers should be shown by appropriate action or reaction. Good luck

Cas P wrote 1252 days ago

Hi FJ,
I have just read the opening chapters of Shooting Stars and here are some comments for you.

I like the premise and also the opening prologue. You have a good hook at the end. It's main problem lies in with the POV, as you have both the Queen's and the old woman's thoughts represented. Publishers do not like 'head-hopping' as they call it, so you should really decide on one viewpoint. I suggest telling the scene from the old woman's POV, as you could do that without revealing her intentions until the end of the scene.

Ch 1 is a good intro to the story and telling the backstory of the Shooting Stars as a bedtime tale is a nice touch. I think you need to work on the descriptions of the warriors though because I became confused by such statements as 'wore a T.shirt covered in a thick green forest' and 'large mountains towered on her chest'. I'm sure they were not meant to be comical but for me they conjured quite an amusing picture.
You also have POV problems here as you describe the thoughts of many of the 7 warriors.

I also noticed several typos and nits:
pitch: Princess on Corbian and loves anything to do with...*who* loves
with the sole protectors...with *their* protectors?
amid their first battle...*during* their first battle?
Prologue: Lose the italics for the Queen's thoughts, publishers don't like them.
The sky was still dark...colors of sunrise painted the sky....Isn't this a contradiction?
fallowed smoothly...*followed*.
soft blanket bearing her name...How did they achieve this, the King had only just named her? And he couldn't have chosen the name previously because he couldn't know she'd be born at sunrise.
Ch 1: there was no poor among them...no *poverty*.
The new warriors...*Corbian's* warriors? Saying 'new' implies the invaders.
a metal fans, with razor sharp edges...either *fan* or lose the 'a'.
energy and enemy...these two words are quite repetitive.
flair with anger...*flare*.
ended min-thigh...*mid*
Lightening flashed...*lightning*.
night cloths...*clothes*.

Nits aside, I think you have a very enjoyable story here. Backed.
Cas
KING'S ENVOY


Pitch: Princess on Corbian and loives anything to do with...*who* loves.

Rosali Webb wrote 1254 days ago

FJ
Lovely, stylish writing. The lost child mystery at the beginning is one incentive to read on, as is the wonderful way you have with words. From the baby to the now older Terra, this will prove to be a hit with the YA. Backed
Rosali
Fieldtrip to Mars

Jared wrote 1256 days ago

This a well written and atmospheric fantasy novel. I was intrigued by the ending of the prologue - "They vanished without a trace." I've read six chapters now and am impressed by your ability to write descriptive passages that convey the full flavour of a setting. The dialogue is realistic and there's so much here to entice a reader. I appreciate that the early section of the book is largely scene-setting with much more action to follow, but it reads very well. You haven't classified this as YA, but it would have huge appeal for this market, especially with teenage characters to the fore.
Impressive writing and a strong story-line. Backed.
Jared.

stormy101 wrote 1257 days ago

I started reading this and could not put it down! A wonderful example of expert story telling and I am sure this will get published!

BigDaddy wrote 1258 days ago

This is truly a winner. I am engrossed. Thank you.

Bill

GrahamChops wrote 1259 days ago

FJ--

Thanks for dropping by and taking a look at Ghost Machines. I checked out your profile and I like a lot of the same books you do--Ferrell especially has a talent for teaching through stories, and I love his work.

Anyway, I read the prologue and first two chapters of Shooting Stars. It feels like a cool fantasy epic, one of those "layered" stories that you can really dig into. I'm backing it for now, and I wish you the best of luck with it. Hopefully I can find time to read some more of it later this week. Thanks again.

GrahamChops
Ghost Machines

John Booth wrote 1263 days ago

Hi FJ
This is a fun fantasy right from the start - shelved

You have a deft way with characters, only a few words and we can see them fully formed.

Some of the information dumping is a little clumsy. In my view you can trust the reader to work out that Aurora was Terra's missing older sister, for example. "The disappearance of ......etc" is not what a real woman would say to her husband. I would cut back on passages in #1 as well. Tell the reader just enough to get them guessing rather than everything. For example, I am guessing that Aurora is going to return as a mysterious Shooting Star, because you dropped so many hints in #1. Anyway, it's just my opinion.

Good luck with this

John Booth (Shaddowdon)

optimista wrote 1268 days ago

Hi FJ

I started to read this chapter, but after about ten paragraphs, with me being a devout 'pragmatist' it was too much of out of this world 'fantasy' for my taste.

I'm certain you are a good storyteller, but my reading palate runs in a different direction.

Best regards - optimista - Bernie

Sandie Newman wrote 1274 days ago

I have to say your cover reflects exactly your style of writing, exquisite! I love it by the way. The title is brilliant and the pitch excellent. I love the opening chapter, just the write about of scene setting without over-doing, which I hate. Lovely name, I couldn't help smile, my sister's name is Jacqueline. Lovely writing that is very deservedly backed.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

klouholmes wrote 1278 days ago


Hi F J, I liked the legend of the Shooting Stars and the expectation of them when the warriors hit. Also the queen and the place of the women in this kingdom, the old woman at the beginning - that raised the enchantment level. The attacks from outer space are nicely fit into legend in a contemporary way.
Mostly the writing is clear and the dialogue carries alot about the characters. My observation is that the introduction of the characters is sometimes not woven in. I don't think I'd known of Thomas before his grandmother was mentioned. And the robot companion might have been introduced earlier instead of after she disappeared.
It's an urgent story and I enjoyed the heroic elements in it - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

bluewriter wrote 1279 days ago

You quickly pull us in and make us care for these characters. The story is intriguing and the writing works. I didn't have time to read all but I found what I did read worth attention. Watchlisted.
Jenny

kevinwong_HoD wrote 1280 days ago

Hi FJ! I say this honestly: your book is one of the best I have ever read. Shooting Stars begins with such heart and wonderful settings, and the characters and world seem so lively and filled with your love for them as their creator, I can picture everything in my head - like I'm watching a movie inside my brain. Very few books have done this for me in my lifetime. The first Harry Potter book, and the first Chronicles of Narnia book, are two of the only books that also accomplished this feat. I try my best in my own Heroes of Destiny books to make them living movies in people's brains, but I don't know how successful I am. Your book has done it surely. I am backing this immediately, and I want so much for you to get a book deal! :-)

Yours Truly,

Kevin Wong
Author of Heroes of Destiny

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