HOOKED ON REVENGE

Hi Catherine, I like this, so far. I have read through the first chapter and have to admit, you have a very convincing style. The characters are realistic, the pace just right, and the writing clear and easy to absorb.

I will shelve this right now because you have a natural talent for writing.

Excellent!
Frank (Island 42)

Gosh, this is so tense. You start to wind it up right from the start, and I can see it being a nail-biting read througout. The charcaters are really well-defined, and their dialogue drives the plot. As other readers have said, this needs quite a lot of editing, but which book doesn't? I can see this being a real winner once you've had the chance to do more work on it., Backed with pleasure. Best wishes, Tony.

What a shocking end to the first chapter! After ice cream and jokes, it certainly unexpected. It throws the reader of guard and sets up the story to be a cracker. I spotted a couple of nits you may wish to have a look at:

mob of dark hair - mop?

hows the backpacking - repetition of 'backpacking.' Maybe 'hows the vacation?'

Great writing, great plot - you make it seem so easy.

Andrew

I love character-driven novels, and I really like this one. My only problem with anything I've read so far is the exclamation marks, but I don't really like them much.

Gripping thriller based on character more than plot, which is how I like them. You've done a good job of establishing Ray as a character. A bit reckless, isn't he? I don't feel I got to know Nina as much (and now never will). But the other characaters, who play minor parts in the opening chapter, all emerge with distinct personalities, which is a tribute to your writing. Even the bartender who doesn't talk, comes across as scary as hell, as does Moretti. The sister has her own personality. So well done here.

Also commendable is your dialogue, which reads credibly for the people mouthing the words. So much dialogue in books these days is not credible, that is, the words don't seem right to the character speaking them. Yours do.

So, in summary, you have a great premise, believable and compelling characters, and terrrific dialogue. I will come back and read more, but wanted to back (shelve) this right now.

Hooked on Revenge-

This has all the ingredients for a nice thriller but it needs some editing. First, the there's a lot of head-hopping--best to stick with on point of view at a time so the reader is able to empathize with and get to know each character individually. Switching from one mind to another is distracting and breaks the flow of the scene.

Also, beware of characters describing themselves. You could only do that if they're looking in a mirror but that's a tactic best left by the wayside too! But if you're in the pov of one character, s/he can't describe herself. i.e the line, "Chrstie sat at her desk with a pleased grin on her very attractive face." Only another character could say she was attractive. This line could be cut to, "She grinned." Don't sell the reader short--dialog done right, does a lot of the work in regard to how something is said.

I had a few problems with Ray, who doesn't always seem to use his head! They knew who Antonio was and went back to the bar to see if they could spot him again. Ray makes a point of telling Nina they shoudn't call attention to themselves but then he approaches a guy who's twice his size and introduces himself, using his real name. That doesn't shout 'discreet' to me! But then Antonio also used his real name when he gave them a lift so maybe they're all just very friendly?!

Watch cliche in narrative. i.e. "gales of laughter". Cliches should only be used in dialog and then very sparingly.

I wondered about the detective too. If this guy is as danerous as was broadcast, I'd think he'd have been over there asap.

Lastly, Ray said his sister is in Ft Lauderdale, Miami. Unless I missed something, she woudn't be in two cities so she'd either be in Ft Lauderdale or Miami, both of which are in the state of Florida.

As I said, this has all the elements of a good thriller, just needs some tightening. -Brad (LarcenousTendencies)

Thank you very much. I am going to work on it.

Hooked on Revenge-

This has all the ingredients for a nice thriller but it needs some editing. First, the there's a lot of head-hopping--best to stick with on point of view at a time so the reader is able to empathize with and get to know each character individually. Switching from one mind to another is distracting and breaks the flow of the scene.

Also, beware of characters describing themselves. You could only do that if they're looking in a mirror but that's a tactic best left by the wayside too! But if you're in the pov of one character, s/he can't describe herself. i.e the line, "Chrstie sat at her desk with a pleased grin on her very attractive face." Only another character could say she was attractive. This line could be cut to, "She grinned." Don't sell the reader short--dialog done right, does a lot of the work in regard to how something is said.

I had a few problems with Ray, who doesn't always seem to use his head! They knew who Antonio was and went back to the bar to see if they could spot him again. Ray makes a point of telling Nina they shoudn't call attention to themselves but then he approaches a guy who's twice his size and introduces himself, using his real name. That doesn't shout 'discreet' to me! But then Antonio also used his real name when he gave them a lift so maybe they're all just very friendly?!

Watch cliche in narrative. i.e. "gales of laughter". Cliches should only be used in dialog and then very sparingly.

I wondered about the detective too. If this guy is as danerous as was broadcast, I'd think he'd have been over there asap.

Lastly, Ray said his sister is in Ft Lauderdale, Miami. Unless I missed something, she woudn't be in two cities so she'd either be in Ft Lauderdale or Miami, both of which are in the state of Florida.

As I said, this has all the elements of a good thriller, just needs some tightening. -Brad (LarcenousTendencies)

This is very nice writing and an intriguing and well-told story. My only input is to consider your POV - in the first chapter you jump POV's during the phone call between Ray and Christie, which sort of caught me off-guard. Also, you have Christie spelled Chirstie in the first Chapter. Nice work and Best of luck.

Laurie, thanks so much. This is all new to me, what is POV?
Catherine

Catherine
You have all the pieces of the jigsaw, just not in the right order! This is a good read, and with some editing can become a brilliant read. For now, shelved.
Frank

Thank you Frank. Please elaborate on 'not in the right order'. This is new to me.
Catherine

This is very nice writing and an intriguing and well-told story. My only input is to consider your POV - in the first chapter you jump POV's during the phone call between Ray and Christie, which sort of caught me off-guard. Also, you have Christie spelled Chirstie in the first Chapter. Nice work and Best of luck.

Catherine
You have all the pieces of the jigsaw, just not in the right order! This is a good read, and with some editing can become a brilliant read. For now, shelved.
Frank

backed

Kev

Great story..Poor Nina...On my shelf!
I like that it's nearly all dialogue, fast
moving with lots of suspense.
Lots of luck with it.........Mikey....The Free

Hooked on Revenge has a thrilling ending to C1 that made me determined to read on. Your characterisations of Ray and Nina are vivid, and the dialogue is crisp and natural, making the book easy to read and well-balanced. I'm happy to back this
One minor point for the editor - you mention 'Chief Detective Inspector Mace' in the pitch - in Britain the title is 'Detective Chief Inspector' - DCI for short. All the best.