Book Jacket

 

rank 5918
word count 44619
date submitted 18.11.2009
date updated 17.12.2009
genres: Fiction, Fantasy, Young Adult, Come...
classification: universal
complete

Meet the Kreeps: Nightmare on Bleak Street

Rob Sharp

Meet the Kreeps, your everyday Mancunian Gothic family, coping with an alien lodger, daemonic attacks, police barricades and a Monster Hunter. Well, it's Tuesday!

 

Meet the Kreeps, a modern day Gothic family from 13 Bleak Street, Manchester.

Marco Kreep works shifts at a bottling plant – when he isn’t transforming into a Warwolf. His wife Katarina Kreep is a 330-year-old shopaholic Vampyre, with the glamour of a thirty-something diva. She usually has the baby, Little Kreep in tow and the family’s hellhound, Fluffy.

Which leaves Marco’s mad-scientist brother, Doktor Ivan Kreep. Wicked old biker-witch, Aunt Agatha and the children, 14 year-old genius Arabella and Henry Enoch ‘Spider’ Kreep, the coolest mutant in Saint Beelzebub’s High.

Add the laziest ghost ever, Gravely the Butler, Eek the eight-foot tall sponge monster and the Kreep’s alien lodger, Douglas who lives in the basement and is a staunch Manchester United fan, then you’ve met the Kreeps full-on.

It’s 23 years since Douglas crash-landed on the family’s doorstep, and tonight, a wet Tuesday night, the Kreeps are hell-bent on reuniting the little grey alien with his Mothership. So which spoilsport has hired a Monster Hunter to do this everyday family in, and just what ancient evil is trying to resurrect itself in Slaughter Park?

 
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tags

bathroom fittings, comedy., fantasy fiction, ghosts, vampires, young adult

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Chapters

4

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Chapter 4

Chapter Four

To the north of Slaughter Park, nestled next to the rusting gas works containers was the church of Old Saint Beelzebub’s. By the winding road of Murder Lane that wiggled its way up to the younger Kreeps’ school, the churchyard was so overgrown and the trees surrounding it so dense that it was almost impossible to see that a church was there at all. The late Reverend Kipling used to say the camouflage, “Kept out the rabble!”

Then the late Reverend Kipling was known for his outspoken ways... even after his untimely death.

    It was the view from the back of Old Saint Beelzebub’s that transported it into another world. Across the clogged churchyard was the mass of dead vegetation that marked the edge of the Park, with the family of Ravens ever circling those trees and calling out to one another. Through this devastation, ran a small path. Down this path, every night about the same time, Mondays to Fridays, Marco Kreep pushed his ailing motor scooter with much wheezing and coughing. The scooter let out similar noises too.

    On this very special Tuesday (ringed mysteriously on the family calendar in the kitchen, showing a picture of the Bratvarian scenic railway – by night. All two kilometres of it), Marco Kreep was a little distracted and had actually pushed his scooter all the way from his place of work at Ira Ramsbottom's famous Dandelion and Burdock bottling plant.

He still wore the ridiculous red crash helmet that perched on the top of his head, balanced on his main of red hair like a ripe pimple. The helmet had come with the bike and Marco hadn’t quite managed to get around to exchanging it for one the right size.

    So, wrapped in his double-breasted overcoat, with helmet wobbling in place, he had panted like some old dog up the hill from the other side of the gas works and reached the concealed opening to the churchyard.

    Marco Kreep was a wall of a man, built from breezeblocks rather than normal bricks. Everything about him was just – big. He had huge hands that were very hairy, a massive wide head sat on monster shoulders. His overbite was an under bite as his lower jaw jutted out, allowing the odd stray tooth to chew on his top lip in moments of confusion/passion/constipation/dire danger. But it was that hair that was Marco’s pride and joy. Lots of it; bright red and hanging over his collar, being swept back in a mighty ginger quiff, growing in two hedge-like sideburns and topped off by a pair of beetling eyebrows. Plus, ten minutes after shaving every morning, the slightly blue shadow of returning stubble could be seen across his jaw and upper lip.

    In fact Marco tended to shave once in the morning, at half eleven, three in the afternoon and around seven at night. His long-suffering wife cut his hair for him to help the problem – about three times a week. But she left him to trim and file his own finger and toenails; as there were just some things beyond a wife’s love and duty.

    So, Marco was trapped inside a stray thought when he entered the tiny path through the churchyard. The ancient church stood like an arrow pointing to the sky, the occasional bush trying to root in the gaps between its stone work and slate roof tiles.

    One of the ravens landed on the corkscrew spire and eyed Marco suspiciously. From somewhere near the vestry door, rather ungodly language and the sound of a blunt scythe being swung finally brought him back to reality.

    Young Reverend Hardy appeared, red faced with the rusty old scythe in one hand and mopping his brow with a red spotted handkerchief with the other.

    “Ah, good evening Mr. Kreep!” he enthused.

    Old Saint Beelzebub’s was Reverend Hardy’s first parish. His bubbling eagerness to serve a congregation that consisted of seven people was second to none. But as the ghost of his illustrious predecessor often smirked, “He’ll learn!”

    “Evenin’, Reverend Hardy,” Marco grunted, wiggling his majestic bushy red eyebrows in some form of ancient greeting, exaggerated by his northern accent.

    “Please, please call me Dan,” the young Reverend gushed. It was the modern church. Dan Hardy wore workers boots, jeans and an old tartan shirt with his sleeves rolled up, over his dog collar of course. His hair, in complete contrast to Marco’s heady bush was shaved at a number one setting giving him a rather yobbish appearance. Not that Marco Kreep would have ever been rude enough to tell him that.

    Also in the hand griping the scythe, the Reverend was holding what looked like bright red tulips, which trailed three or four feet of stem and root behind him. As Marco watched, the faintly twitching roots began to reattach themselves to the nearest object – which just happened to be his scooter.

    “Still having a spot of bother with these red flowered weeds...” Reverend Hardy prattled on. “Tried to identify them at the local history library, but they only look like a species that vanished before the last Ice Age. Most peculiar.”

    Visions of a certain laboratory explosion twenty years previous and clouds of mutated seeds billowing out from the number 13 Bleak Street made Marco shudder slightly.

    “Is that so?” he flannelled, trying to untangle his mudguards from the terrible vegetation. “I’ll ask me brother if he can come up wi’ some sort of natural weed killer for you – gerroff! – Must be going. Family meal an’ all that! Grrrrr!”

    Trailing yards of flailing plant behind his precious red scooter, Marco bumbled off at a fair speed for such a large man. He was certain his brother could find a cure for the Reverend’s horticultural problem... seeing it had been Ivan who had created the strain of red weed in the first place.

    As the young Reverend scratched his shaven head and watched Marco go, doing his little dance as he tried to kick off the amorous weed, which was starting to wrap itself around his right leg, he got that chilling feeling he was being watched again.

    Which was actually perfectly true. The spirit of the late Reverend Kipling with his explosion of white hair and tiny round black glasses was staring over Hardy’s shoulder at that very moment.

    Once you settled near Slaughter Park, you often stayed... long past the time you were welcome. There was something about the soil that wouldn’t let go of old memories.

    By the time Marco had reached the well-kept sign of the local Ghost Watch, (116 poltergeists and spirits counted so far, and rising!) he had rid himself of the pesky weed and was heading for home at a merry gait. As he ran, pushing the small red scooter along side, he panted like a big dog in a coat and a stupid looking helmet.

    There was something in the air that evening. Marco’s keen sense of smell managed to cut through the stench of the black lake and had picked up a stranger. For the forth time that month he had the distinct impression he was being followed.

    Easing his scooter through a gap in the broken down stonewall, he crossed over Bleak Street. Pausing only to glance at the vandalised milk float and side step the broken glass, he bustled and fussed until he had parked his scooter behind the great wooden gates at the side of the house. Glancing furtively about, he unlocked several padlocks on what used to be the entrance to the coal cellar and opened up one of the leaf covered doors set into the concrete. In a second he was gone, closing the cellar door behind him.

    Whilst across the road in the dried up bushes, something rustled.

 

Chapters

4

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Jesse Hargreave wrote 1528 days ago

Backed January 30.

Jesse - Savant

Helena wrote 1549 days ago

Hi Rob very funny read, all the charisma as a rotten tooth is a brilliant line. I like the prologue good set up to the story, the monster hunter coming to get rid of the Kripps. The two policemen discussing Slaughter park were a good device to fill in some of the legends of the place and it actually made my spin chill a little, wouldn't want to be living there myself. I really like your style reminds me a little of Niel Gaimen which is a good thing, its quirky and a little off beat. Definitely on my shelf. Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

Ferret wrote 1558 days ago

I like this book very much - I have, one way and another, read a lot of fiction featuring vampires, and I can say that this is one of funniest I have come across. Best of luck with it, because I would quite like to have it on my shelf for real.

gillyflower wrote 1566 days ago

A very funny book, with an interestingly different plot line, according to the pitch. We are introduced to the Monster Hunter and his companion quickly, and, as with all your characters, they quickly come alive. Your descriptions are striking as well as funny, and although it would be wrong to call them caricatures, your characters are certainly more than life size. The two policemen, Arabella and her 'boyfriend' Bart, Marco himself, all spring off the page with a whoop. You have a string of consistently funny one liners, such as, 'the moanin' ghost of the Park Keeper flashing his spectral light at them,' the description of Marco, 'built from breezeblocks rather than normal bricks,' and many more. Your writing is smooth and polished, and a joy to read. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

John Booth wrote 1574 days ago

Hi Rob
What great fun. This will be loved by children of all ages everywhere.

Adored Arabella. I even laughed out loud a couple of times. The policemen are delightful and the whole concept has a strange ring of truth about it. I didn't spot anything to advise you on.

Good luck with this

John Booth (Shaddowdon)

Rosali Webb wrote 1577 days ago

Rob
Brilliant sense of humour you have! There's a bit of everything here and perfect choice of words, like 'Katarina and her massive fur coat.' Well done and Backed.
Rosali
Fieldtrip to Mars

Jason Rice wrote 1588 days ago

i'm just getting started on this, but cool so far. backed

KevRogers wrote 1588 days ago

Funny - a good read

backed

kev

T.L Tyson wrote 1589 days ago

If ever there was a book written for me, this would be it.
It is funny, it is horror, it is fantastic.
You really don't know how much I love this. It reminds me of Chistopher Moore but edgier.
Ever since I was a little girl I have loved horror. And who doesn't like funny?
Your pitch, title and cover and *insert swearword here* great. You have a knack for writing.
There are often debates over voice in the forum, you my friend have a voice and it is one that the reader can not back away from. Your unique writings command attention. The characters are brilliant.
And my favorite line so far:
New meat to terrify and amaze. Just loved that line.
Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

lynn clayton wrote 1590 days ago

Rob, it's brilliantly funny.Can see it becoming quite a cool thing amongst YA to have read it. Think you may have a winner here. Great cover too. Shelved.Lynn

Clare Stephen wrote 1590 days ago

A great title and concept combine with humorous writing to create a real winner. Best of luck with this. Backed. Clare (Second Lives)

John Harold McCoy wrote 1594 days ago

Hi Rob. Yep, this is a goodie. I'm always happy to come across books that keep me smiling. That's a head start with me right away. Doesn't hurt that the writing is excellent and idea/plot is intriguing (I hate the word - overused - but it often fits).
Good pitch... good prologue (chapter one before chapter one).
Chapter one (the second one...hehe) is a just a great opening for the book. Sets tht tone of dark humor beautifully. Read 3 chapters (yuck... references at the end of 3...haha), skimmed in a ways.
Heck of a job, Rob. No doubt I'll back this one.
On my shelf and the best of luck with it.

John Harold McCoy - Bramwell Valley

John Adamson wrote 1595 days ago

I like this book, it gave me a permanent smile while I enjoyed the read, you are a very good writer and have a good sence of humer and it shows, it's very discriptive, it flowes and I have no hesertion in backing it. Shelved

John

John Adamson wrote 1595 days ago

I like this book, it gave me a permanent smile while I enjoyed the read, you are a very good writer and have a good sence of humer and it shows, it's very discriptive, it flowes and I have no hesertion in backing it. Shelved

John

John Adamson wrote 1595 days ago

I like this book, it gave me a permanent smile while I enjoyed the read, you are a very good writer and have a good sence of humer and it shows, it's very discriptive, it flowes and I have no hesertion in backing it. Shelved

John

AnnabelleC wrote 1595 days ago

Very funny!

ScoRho wrote 1600 days ago

Great fun! I like the style and the characters. The dialogue is very good and I like that there's a lot of it. I'd be careful with some of your dialogue tags, though. Sometimes they don't quite make sense. For example, can anybody really smile "No one in their right mind goes into the park, near the lake, or ever ventures to that tiny island in its middle"? I spotted a few such tags. But that's relatively minor stuff that you'll catch when editing. The important thing is, this is a really enjoyable read and I want to see more.

mdmarker wrote 1600 days ago

Fun read and well written. Backed with pleasure.
Mark

andyroo wrote 1602 days ago

Spooky and exciting! And some of the most polished writing I've seen on the site, too. It feels so professional - the dialogue is natural and the narrative eye popping. This is a very accomplished piece of writing.

Andrew

Leigh Fallon wrote 1602 days ago

Brilliant cover, excellent name and fab pitch. I backed this before I read it. And now that I've read the first three chapters I see it was a wise move. This is fantastic. I'd buy this in a heart beat. Its funny and sassy and would make an excellent movie. Every paragraph is another giggle, in two short paragraphs we have such beauties as "the darkness inside the house took a firm grip of his bladder", "grabbing Bart Biggersly by the sleeve of his snot-caked jumper" and "you could just hear Bart whimper and softly breaking wind". You can't ask for much more than that now can you.
Loved and backed.
Leigh Fallon
The Carrier of the Mark

Onthedottedline wrote 1602 days ago

This is an absolute scream (literally!) and I think it benefits greatly from having gestated in your mind for ten years, becasue it's so well thought out, and the characters all seem to have full, independent lives Your use of language is perfect for the genre, and your descriptions are quite brilliant. Backed with much enthusiasm. Best wishes, Tony

neal wrote 1603 days ago

Highly inventive and entertaining; one for kids and kidults alike.

Sandie Newman wrote 1609 days ago

The cover is brilliant, very colourful and eye catching and I love the title and the pitch is hilarious. Reading the opening, I could just picture how depressing the scene was, you paint it so well. Brilliant descriptions and excellent characters. Shelved immediately.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

Jed Oliver wrote 1609 days ago

Good Grief! This is marvelous! It is so completely YUCKY! I loved it! Shelved with best wishes, Jedward (Brünnhilde)

soutexmex wrote 1609 days ago

Because of the Thanksgiving holiday here in the States, I am pressed for time today, so I am gonna SHELVE you for now and swing by later to comment.

I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Francis Albert McGrath wrote 1610 days ago

A book filled with fun and riotous humour. Comic genius.
Frank

Morven wrote 1611 days ago

Lively and great fun, enough to make me forgive you for having a witch as a baddie and putting you on my shelf.
Authonomy is playing siller beggers with the font sizes, so I will pop back with comments later.

Harclubs wrote 1614 days ago

As others have noted, this is very entertaining stuff, atmospheric with great characters. The first sentence, however, made my brain hurt. It could just be me, but it just doesn't feel right. Backed because it made me laugh.
Harclubs

Andrew W. wrote 1614 days ago

Meet the Kreeps: Nightmare on Bleak Street

Hi Rob

This is exceptional children’s fiction, funny from the outset, but orientated to action as well. This family are a masterpiece, I am really hoping that this book comes with illustrations as well. Great beginning, setting the scene for what is to come and I have to say I am not surprised that it is raining in Manchester! Brilliant stuff and shelved.

Best wishes and good luck
Andrew W
(Sanctuary’s Loss)

jfreedan wrote 1615 days ago

This story is certainly the work of a fantastic imagination coupled with a ghoulish sense of humor. I enjoyed this. Backed.

S.D. Gillen wrote 1615 days ago

This is great! I enjoy YA and this one meets my interest.
Just a couple of things to tightening it up:
In the sixth paragraph the Monster Hunter whinged. I think you meant whined. :)
That were(was) a rip off even back in the 1940's.
Same para at the end, I wouldn't end with an ! because to me he is whispering or being spooky and the ! makes me feel like he is yelling it.
Overall a great story. I loved the park that no one is supposed to know about but everyone does.
A great read!

Backed by SD Gillen:)

CarolynJ wrote 1615 days ago

I was lured by your title and the pitch. This is great fun and I'm sure YA - and adults - will enjoy it: very Addams family meets Boris Karloff! The descriptive passages are very good and paint a picture of the [sodden!] environment very well. Good luck with this promising story; shelved, Carolyn.

Laurie Gonda wrote 1615 days ago

This is wonderful, wonderful stuff. Entertaining as heck, quality writing, polished, really funny and super imaginative. Why can't I have an imagination like you! I love all the great characters and settings you have created. This is sure to be a big hit.

R.A. Battles wrote 1616 days ago

Rob,

I'm still laughing as I'm typing these comments. You have an incredible imagination, sir. The names of some of the characters and places are too funny.

There's no question in my mind that you have crafted a tale that will appeal to your target audience and to agents who represent the YA genre.

If you'll split your full pitch into 3 or 4 paragraphs, readers will be able to follow the key plot points much easier.

The only thing I noticed in your chapters that concerned me was the use of commas where they aren't required. Nothing that a little editing can't fix.

Thanks for the laughs and for writing a book that will no doubt entertain and be a fun read.

Rodney

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