The Forest Dwellers

I have had your book on my watchlist for weeks now, you know, and had been feeling a bit tepid toward it, but this morning I opened it. God's holy trousers! What a tremendous chapter one. That is just fine writing, gripping, engaging, eye-popping and all round great. Everything is perfect: the tension, the revelation of character and even plot through the action, the language. I could see it, smell it, feel the fear and the tension, the brutality of life in 1080. In short, I was there, you put me there, and it was utterly hypnotic. And I am looking forward to reading all that you've posted when it's not Saturday, and I'm not meant to be doing a hundred other things.

But that does bring me to a couple of criticisms: I do not feel that you are at all doing yourself or your work justice with either your title, your cover or even your blurb. Blurbs are of course the very devil to write, and often are better written by someone who knows the book but hasn't the emotional tie to it.

All the very best - PB

Terrific writing yet again,Judith. I bought and have just finished Peaceweaver and thoroughly enjoyed it. I would buy this, too, without any hesitation. Aelf's voice is strong and appealing, and his relationship with his brothers both touching and real.
Backed, of course.
The very best of luck with it. it deserves to do so well.
Anna (Black Damask)

The Forest Dwellers

Hi Judith,

This is brilliant writing, what more can I say. I completely enjoyed this and would buy this book in an instant. Such powerful imagery, such beautiful settings, such sumptuous history. A book to lose myself in…thank you for posting.

Best wishes and good luck
Andrew W
(Sanctuary’s Loss)

Another lovely work, Judith. Aelf's voice, his tone, and the circumstances of the times are so clearly drawn here. And as usual, you've firmly laid the groundwork for a story about real people in times past. I'm always interested in stories set in this time period and slightly before and this does not disappoint. If I had anything constructive to offer I would, but this is so confidently done, consistently written and thoroughly detailed I'm afraid I don't have anything to offer. Excellent work!

All my best,
Gemi

This is the best I have read here by far!! You had me captivated from beginning to end and the only nits i have are MORE MORE MORE!!!!! Love this story!!

Judith: the short pitch TELLS instead of SHOWS. With the long pitch, break it down into smaller paragraphs so it reads faster. End it with that one succinct question. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

This is an engaging story. I’m not big on medieval history so I wondered after reading your pitch if this is based on actual history (were these kings real?) or whether it is all fiction. After I started to read the story, I didn’t care anymore. Either way, this is a good story. You’ve certainly captured the flavor of this period. I suspect you put a massive amount of research into it. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Excellent writing, Judith. I have nothing to nitpick. Best wishes.

I have had your book on my watchlist for weeks now, you know, and had been feeling a bit tepid toward it, but this morning I opened it. God's holy trousers! What a tremendous chapter one. That is just fine writing, gripping, engaging, eye-popping and all round great. Everything is perfect: the tension, the revelation of character and even plot through the action, the language. I could see it, smell it, feel the fear and the tension, the brutality of life in 1080. In short, I was there, you put me there, and it was utterly hypnotic. And I am looking forward to reading all that you've posted when it's not Saturday, and I'm not meant to be doing a hundred other things.

But that does bring me to a couple of criticisms: I do not feel that you are at all doing yourself or your work justice with either your title, your cover or even your blurb. Blurbs are of course the very devil to write, and often are better written by someone who knows the book but hasn't the emotional tie to it.

All the very best - PB

Judith, I've looked at your prologue and first chapter. Nothing really to nitpick about. I questioned your use of the verb "scuttle" as in scuttled up your neck. I guess it's okay, but scuttle also means to sink something, hence I initially thought that scuttle should have been used to describe a downward movement.

Sincerely backed.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Terrific writing yet again,Judith. I bought and have just finished Peaceweaver and thoroughly enjoyed it. I would buy this, too, without any hesitation. Aelf's voice is strong and appealing, and his relationship with his brothers both touching and real.
Backed, of course.
The very best of luck with it. it deserves to do so well.
Anna (Black Damask)

Hi Judith

I'm really pleased I found this. My own novel is set in 1066, so it's great to find someone writing about a similar period. Also, I've been to the New Forest many times and have often wondered about what happened to the people who lived there when William claimed it as his hunting ground.

I really like what you've done with this idea. The community of displaced people living in the forest, sharing whatever they have and living in hope despite their hardships. The little details about people's everyday lives - what they ate and drank, the hearthfires, the livestock, sex, hunting - they all work together to paint a vivid picture of life as it must have been so long ago. The descriptions of the forest itself and the changing seasons are wonderful - they make me wonder how much the New Forest has actually changed since the eleventh century.

And the story itself was excellent. Aelf's engaging style made me feel quite involved, but you've left it on a bit of a cliffhanger and now I want to know what happens next!

Did William have a son called Richard who was killed? I remember William Rufus, Robert Curthose and Henry Beauclerc, but I don't recall a Richard. But if you've made him up, I suppose that's o.k!

Big thumbs up for this. Write some more.

Bob (Domesday)

Incidentally, I did rather smile to myself on reading your characters' fond memories of Harold Godwinsson. I thought you might be interested in looking at the first few paragraphs of chapter 17 (actually 16, but it's 17 by Authonomy's system) of Domesday when my character reaches his own conclusion about Harold.

Hi Judith

I'm really pleased I found this. My own novel is set in 1066, so it's great to find someone writing about a similar period. Also, I've been to the New Forest many times and have often wondered about what happened to the people who lived there when William claimed it as his hunting ground.

I really like what you've done with this idea. The community of displaced people living in the forest, sharing whatever they have and living in hope despite their hardships. The little details about people's everyday lives - what they ate and drank, the hearthfires, the livestock, sex, hunting - they all work together to paint a vivid picture of life as it must have been so long ago. The descriptions of the forest itself and the changing seasons are wonderful - they make me wonder how much the New Forest has actually changed since the eleventh century.

And the story itself was excellent. Aelf's engaging style made me feel quite involved, but you've left it on a bit of a cliffhanger and now I want to know what happens next!

Did William have a son called Richard who was killed? I remember William Rufus, Robert Curthose and Henry Beauclerc, but I don't recall a Richard. But if you've made him up, I suppose that's o.k!

Big thumbs up for this. Write some more.

Bob (Domesday)

Incidentally, I did rather smile to myself on reading your characters' fond memories of Harold Godwinsson. I thought you might be interested in looking at the first few paragraphs of chapter 17 (actually 16, but it's 17 by Authonomy's system) of Domesday when my character reaches his own conclusion about Harold.

Hi Judith

I'm really pleased I found this. My own novel is set in 1066, so it's great to find someone writing about a similar period. Also, I've been to the New Forest many times and have often wondered about what happened to the people who lived there when William claimed it as his hunting ground.

I really like what you've done with this idea. The community of displaced people living in the forest, sharing whatever they have and living in hope despite their hardships. The little details about people's everyday lives - what they ate and drank, the hearthfires, the livestock, sex, hunting - they all work together to paint a vivid picture of life as it must have been so long ago. The descriptions of the forest itself and the changing seasons are wonderful - they make me wonder how much the New Forest has actually changed since the eleventh century.

And the story itself was excellent. Aelf's engaging style made me feel quite involved, but you've left it on a bit of a cliffhanger and now I want to know what happens next!

Did William have a son called Richard who was killed? I remember William Rufus, Robert Curthose and Henry Beauclerc, but I don't recall a Richard. But if you've made him up, I suppose that's o.k!

Big thumbs up for this. Write some more.

Bob (Domesday)

Incidentally, I did rather smile to myself on reading your characters' fond memories of Harold Godwinsson. I thought you might be interested in looking at the first few paragraphs of chapter 17 (actually 16, but it's 17 by Authonomy's system) of Domesday when my character reaches his own conclusion about Harold.

Hi Judith

I'm really pleased I found this. My own novel is set in 1066, so it's great to find someone writing about a similar period. Also, I've been to the New Forest many times and have often wondered about what happened to the people who lived there when William claimed it as his hunting ground.

I really like what you've done with this idea. The community of displaced people living in the forest, sharing whatever they have and living in hope despite their hardships. The little details about people's everyday lives - what they ate and drank, the hearthfires, the livestock, sex, hunting - they all work together to paint a vivid picture of life as it must have been so long ago. The descriptions of the forest itself and the changing seasons are wonderful - they make me wonder how much the New Forest has actually changed since the eleventh century.

And the story itself was excellent. Aelf's engaging style made me feel quite involved, but you've left it on a bit of a cliffhanger and now I want to know what happens next!

Did William have a son called Richard who was killed? I remember William Rufus, Robert Curthose and Henry Beauclerc, but I don't recall a Richard. But if you've made him up, I suppose that's o.k!

Big thumbs up for this. Write some more.

Bob (Domesday)

Incidentally, I did rather smile to myself on reading your characters' fond memories of Harold Godwinsson. I thought you might be interested in looking at the first few paragraphs of chapter 17 (actually 16, but it's 17 by Authonomy's system) of Domesday when my character reaches his own conclusion about Harold.

What a brilliant story.. The reader backs the local
resistance, symbolized by the Forest itself, against the
oppressive King... subversive stuff, for a historical novel.
I greatly enjoyed Peaceweaver as well, as well as the excellent
characterization and settings, the implied social conscience
links us back to these people's lives.
Glitch i pitch...capital letters for Their and the 2nd William.
Best luck.......mikey The Free

Hi Judith,
I've gone for this as you asked for feedback, so a few comments as I go:
Pitch: Brief but pulls us in - good. A few capital letters needed.
Chap 1: Lovely description and very atmospheric. I was in that forest.
Maybe Leo would shoot the runaway first, that could lead to a moment of tension as the other pleads again, before an arrow straight through his Adam's apple.
Nice detail of them placing their feet in Leo's footprints.
Chap 2: We spat on the name of King William - great line.
half moons of filth - another!
Leo was my favourite brother / Of all my brothers I loved Leo the best - do you need both those lines?
Chap 3: pummeled the stink from our clothes - you do have a wonderful way with words
Excellent description and explanation of the effect that Alys joining the household has on the brothers.
This, even as a work in progress, is really good, Judith! On the shelf of course.
Cheers,
Simon

Well. This is a tale of quick action that does not delve too deeply, a tale meant for a younger audience than my lofty years, I expect. I compare it (blushingly) to our ( me and my writing partner's) LBC Cargo story, which is a light action story, and quite a different kind of writing than Broken Man, where I try to give poetry and multiple meaning to every sentence. I think this is very marketable stuff. I have a real urge to mess with it, especially in reference to the placement of commas. I don't know if I should be commenting on every chapter. Hope I didn't say anything out of line.

In the first half of the chapter it seems more of a narrator telling the story than your first person character, but it may be unfair of me to mention it, since I can't pinpoint the cause, or even where the shift back to the more immediate-feeling character telling the tale happens. The tone is just loftier in the first half of the chapter, I guess. Should it be fragmented and unprepared, instead of fragmenting? Gramatically, I mean.

Exposition. It's got to go somewhere, even more so when you're a historian. You do it well enough, get right back to the characters, and stay consistent with the point of view. Good craftsmanship and short chapters make for a happy reader.

As a lover of this period I am going to enjoy reading further. I noticed below a point about short sentences in the first chapter but short sentences are useful to increase the pace of action and since this is an action centred start I find they mainly work for me. It may be worth joining one or two but I expect you will get to that when you do a 'read aloud' edit. I've only read a couple of chapters so far but I love it and am backing it with pleasure.

Leofric slotted an arrow it into his bow. Third paragraph, Forest Dwellers. Other than that blip, a quick active start and a good movement. I will get to chapters as I can. This is the kind of stuff I like to read. But if I have time to read I have time to write, a realization I came to late in life. (My wife told me.) Watchlisted.

THE FOREST DWELLERS:

Judith,

First of all, congratulations on securing a publishing contract for Peaceweaver. I glanced at it and thought it was every bit as good as something by Philippa Gregory. But I have chosen to read The Forest Dwellers, since this is your work in progress.

As with your previous novel, you have a premise that leads us into a fascinating period of history, and where your story-telling talents are given full rein in a plot full of conflict and intrigue.

That you are a poet is very evident in the smooth flow of your prose, the rhythm and the impeccable syntax.

That's a lovely word - shrim. Not in my dictionary, but should be.

I noticed a repetition of the word beneath. . . . beneath my ribs; beneath the canopy; twig snapped beneath . .
It was a bit jarring having Leofric's name switching from Leo to Leofric. I would use Leofric once at the very beginning, and then stick to Leo, unless it is used in dialogue by a character not familiar to him.

I loved this, and wish you all the best for its successful completion and publication in the near future.

Backed.

Sheila (Pinpoint)

The discovery of the girl in the woods, suffering the two men who 'took their pleasure,' was restrained but powerful, the period detail as meticulously researched as in your other novel Peaceweaver.
By the end of Chapter 1, I felt confident that, here again, was historical fiction in extremely capable hands. Shelved.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

Hi Judith, A strong start and I enjoy your writing for its tightness and the good word choice that conjures the time period. This is a fascinating historical setting, the instability and fear during an invasion. And the focus on Alys being a target of the soldiers and then her living with the young men illustrates the sexual agony of war. The first four chapters were very convincing; I became immersed in it and liked the contrast between the bucolic lifestyle and the threat of oppression. The characters were well-delineated in my mind as I read. And your style can deliver intensity along with the scene. Shelved - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Judith

I love historical fiction....The twin factors of romance and times gone by make a compelling read (in my view anyway)...

I made a couple of notes....
hear the dronning beneath my ribs......I think,,,,,felt the drumming beneath my ribs, or heard the dronning in my ears.....conjures more imagery........Can you hear a sound in your ribs ?

clattering river......I'd say....rushing, gushing , torrent,,......Not sure , but clattering does not relate to water in my opinion....

kicked her tunic towards her,,,,,,thrust her garment towards her......sounded repetitive....'towards twice'.

Loved your opening scene, very gripping and well described.....I read your loaded chapters one and two and felt well grounded. Language is consistent, (which isn't easy in period novels).......

I enjoyed this.....I'm sure you'll do well......Backed with pleasure.

Hi Judith, Very nice historical story telling. I enjoy this time frame, all but the opression of the native peoples. I enjoy reading of the strong skills and characters of the forest people. Would you take a look at The Cats Who've Come To Stay (not quite the story you may think at first). Thanks look forward, RobynAnne

Another great medieval tale, but I wonder if you'd consider changing one of the 'beneaths' as one is at the end of the first para and the second begins the second? If you do, might I suggest changing the one beneath my ribs, as this, could mean the drumming is coming from the waist area? Maybe, behind my ribs?

I'm being extremely picky here, but when - Beneath the canopy of the trees I see nothing. - this could suggest that AElf either has her eyes closed or is briefly blinded? Maybe, ...I could see little? or am I being too too picky?

In Part One (maybe a capital O for one? Not sure) where you write, ...I was at the mercy of my brother's goodwill... I think you mean 'of my brothers' goodwill? plural?

In the year that I was born... consider, In the year of my birth? Shudder, shudder, at the sight of her father returning home with his head cleaved open like a turnip.

O, boy, do I remember chilblains. How come one never hear tells of them nowadays?

...he coveted our forest for himself.... had dwelt in the forest since before... consider, had dwelt here since before... or, had dwelt in these woods/woodlands/coppice, or other term, since before...?

- Our mastiff's claws and fangs were drawn so that they would not harm the king's stags.- Suggest, Our mastiff's claws and fangs were drawn so as not to harm the king's stags?

Hmm...I'm wondering if 'high on the hog' is not a tad cliché?

...and everyone that dwelt within the forest... - everyone who dwelt within the forest?

...when we heard [that] the Normans.../ so [that] the smoke would not...

I was afraid to be alone all day... I feared being alone all say? ...I did not tell my brothers for fear they'd think me a coward... I did not tell my brothers lest they'd think me a coward... A hare [was] slung over Leo's shoulder.

Saliva rushed into my mouth... Maybe, Saliva filled my mouth?

..only the girl that can say... and 'There are some that can tell a killer... As this is dialogue, then I'd say it's okay to say 'that' instead of 'who'.

I began to pull the pelt.../I pulled the pelt? - began to clean the dirt from my nails.../cleaned the dirt?

Leo came out after me and stopped at the midden to make a stream of yellow piss that glinted in the sunshine.- Haha, I had an uncle who'd do this at my granny's midden. Other parts of this remind me of my granny's, too, cutting the turf, the open fire and small dwelling, etc. :o)

Of all my brothers I loved Leo the best... About five paragraphs above, she'd already told us Leo was her favourite. Maybe just, I loved Leo the best, but I understand you wouldn't want to begin the paragraph with another 'I'.

Judith, this is a book I'd like to have, propped up on my bed, reading. ;o)

Will pop this alongside Peace Weaver for a spin.

Cáit ~ Muckers ~

This is the best I have read here by far!! You had me captivated from beginning to end and the only nits i have are MORE MORE MORE!!!!! Love this story!!

This is such a well written book. The setting is full of interest, and you have, by using of detail upon detail, made it vivid and real to your reader. Aelf is a strong character, very sympathetic. The opening scene, when Leo and Aelf rescue the girl, zings with action and excitement. You make us feel the bow in Leo's hands, and hear the flight of the arrow. The emotional tension just before the first arrow flies is amazing. The details you give of the normal life of Aelf and his brothers, as Aelf skins and prepares the hare for cooking, are again really realistic. Your style is very effective, and your descriptions are skillful. 'Fear scuttled up my neck,' for example, is a line which works well. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

I have read chapter 1.
I will read more.
But for now, let it be known, that your beginning is so beautifully executed with dramatic tension as taught as the drawn bow, and description so well aimed that it penetrate's the mind's eye of the reader. I back you, humbly, and doff my hat as you pass.

BACKED

Great premise and wonderful writing

I like the short crisp sentences in chapter one

I expect your book took some extension research, bravo! You captured the essences of its time

BACKED

Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/ Secrets of the elephant Rocks

Judith,

I'm returning your read of Appetites thank you again for your comments on and support of my work.

Short pitch gives good context, but there are a couple of errors:

--you've mis-typed 'their' as 'thier'; and
--I think you need a comma after 'firsts' to close of the non-essential clause.

Long pitch is short but covers the key information of who, where, what and when. I do think you could flesh it out to tell us more of the obstacles the villagers face and perhaps clearly couch the story question.

One final observation on the pitch: you refer to Aelf's, but Aelf is not defined. I'm guessin s/he is the main character, but I could be completely wrong.

Into the work proper. This opens in media res with action and tension. Nicely done and good sensory details. Minor observations but I think you have an extra word in the sentence:

Leofric slotted an arrow [it] into his bow.

Reading on in chapter two and I come to a question, you write:

He didn't care that our families ahd dwelt in the forest since before the Saxons took the land from the Celts.

This makes me wonder: are the forest dwellers celt? They are dark, but they have anglo-saxon names. I also wonder about the use of Saxon and Celt in this passage. Earlier you speak of the English, and by the 11th century I suspect that Angles, Saxons, Jutes et al had become identified as such. Similary I believe the british celts were known as Britons rather than celts.

This is so very easy to read, I'm into chapter four now and enjoying the story and the historical feel. Littel by way of constructive criticism though.

Minor point, opening dialogue of this chapter:

"The pigs," I cried and, together, Guthlac and
down the enclosure . . .

here, I think you need the comma rather than the full-stop you use, as 'I cried' is a tag. I'd also separate this line into its own paragraph to give empahsis to the words and avoid coupling Aelf's words with the actions and reactions of others.

Flan leaving her puppies is strangely touching.

Closing line of this chapter is very effective in it's simplicity (though I wonder should it be: We dared not stay).

I'm backing this with pleasure.

Judith, an impressively-written account of a turbulent time. The research seems to me admirable but more so the gap between historian and novelist which you've bridged with talent. Shelved.Lynn

Judith-- A good read for a cold early winter's day like today... I like to sink into another time and place and visit the past-- because I sure wouldn't want to live there! This promises much in the way of struggles for survival for the forest dwellers, battles and bloodletting-- all delivered with accomplished prose and a gift for storytelling. Onto the shelf for more later...

Ruth/Base Spirits

An enjoyable read. This is well written depiction of life in ancient times.
Shelved,
Carole

Hi, Judith.
Welcome back. Ater reading three chapters, I would say that the story is realistic. The story is from a time that I never understood. I'm not much for the medieval times, but..........the characters are real and seem alive. The story took some extensive research. I would not be worried about the bow. Looking down the arrow shaft is the same as looking down the sights. We get the picture. Enjoyed the story. I'm backing the book.

Hey, just found this, read the first chapter and will come back to read more. Already fascinating and I love how you jump straight into the action! Well done. :-)

Just a couple points, if I may ... I have some familiarity with the longbow, and I think you might want to research your terminology a little closer. Some details I noticed: "Leo slotted an arrow (it) into his bow." I believe the correct phrase would be: "Leo nocked an arrow to his bowstring," or even "Leo fitted an arrow to his bow."

The notch at the back of an arrow is called the "nock" and the act of fitting an arrow to the bowstring is called "nocking" or "nocked." It is not "notch."

Also, "Leo drew back his bow." It should be, "Leo drew his bow." One does not draw a bow *back,* one simply draws it.

Finally, "Leo fixed them in his sights." A longbow (any ancient bow) does not have sights. One aims by looking down the arrow shaft and to the target.

Here is an article that explains about shooting technique and terms.
http://thunder.prohosting.com/mfoster/archery/shooting.html

That site DOES refer to "bow sights," but those are ONLY applicable to modern bows. Bows did not have sights until the 20th century.

There's also an on-line archery library here:
http://www.archerylibrary.com/

I hope you'll forgive my nit-picking, but should you reach publication, I know you would wish to have your details correct, so that nothing mars what looks to be an interesting tale!

Will read more later!

Another lovely work, Judith. Aelf's voice, his tone, and the circumstances of the times are so clearly drawn here. And as usual, you've firmly laid the groundwork for a story about real people in times past. I'm always interested in stories set in this time period and slightly before and this does not disappoint. If I had anything constructive to offer I would, but this is so confidently done, consistently written and thoroughly detailed I'm afraid I don't have anything to offer. Excellent work!

All my best,
Gemi

Dear Judith,

When writing grips, I follow wherever.
Great story, on my shelf for a day now.

Pia (Course of Mirror)

I like this. Very much. This is a story that deserves to be told, another example of where 'truth' is the tale of the victor. Only fairly recently have we started to hear the truth of King Harold and the brutality of 1066. It was certainly pushed under the carpet in my day. William won, Harold wasn't much good and history began (as it were). I don't advertise it on Auth, but I have a history degree.

I like your sparse style of writing that says so much without really trying. Happy to back.

Judith,

This is intense and well-flowing prose, and I'm glad I got a chance to read it! And a high-five for hitting exactly 10,000 words!

Kevin
Head Games

I enjoyed Peaceweaver immensely and am delighted that Forest Dwellers has turned out to be another work of consumate beauty, history and adventure. Once again - backed, backed, backed!

M&J
GREAMOR

The Forest Dwellers

Hi Judith,

This is brilliant writing, what more can I say. I completely enjoyed this and would buy this book in an instant. Such powerful imagery, such beautiful settings, such sumptuous history. A book to lose myself in…thank you for posting.

Best wishes and good luck
Andrew W
(Sanctuary’s Loss)

Just a brief look at your first chapter and I liked the opening. Will be commenting soon.
Backed

Emma Philips
The Dark Intruder

hi
i hope you enjoy the opening chapters of my next novel. it is very much work in progress and i welcome comments on the story, narrative voice etc. i will sort out small errors in the final edits. enjoy!