Over The Town

Throw both pitches into the forums and have people help you out with it. I am SHELVING in advance. I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Jason,

I don't know, because I haven't the time to read this through, but long before the end of Chapter Four, where I stopped, the death seems to be an obsession, though not yet a guilty obsession, as if your model for this were Crime and Punishment, and the final statement in your pitch suggests that, perhaps, it was the narrator who killed his friend.

I agree with everything that others have said, that you write well, that your opening is extremely well executed, that the atmospherics and sense of place are extremely well done. But by keeping it all in the narrator's head, I don't know... it just broods too much, somehow. It needs some relief.

Backing on the strength of the quality of your writing.

Tim Chambers
Moonbeam Highway:With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes

Jason, your first chapter is a well-written, original piece of work. I'm not sure why you're not higher up the ranks. Nothing to nitpick there.

Shelved!

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

I loved this opening chapter and setting. We really get to 'see' through your protagonists eyes. Well done. Backed with pleasure, Sana

Backed January 24.

Jesse - Savant

Well this is pretty damn fine. I am always reminded of King's novella "The Body" with this "one of us died" thing. To begin in mourning and grief is a dangerous thing...you risk paralysis and melanholy invaded your piece.

But the crows and the bridge work well. And the gangs with knives.

But I'm afraid you are giving me too much backstory in a big chunk. Too many names. I went with it happily, even glad of it, but after the mention of Keohj I think you need to get on with the "now" the present, the actual story. It's first person you can bring us up to speed as we meet new people, plug the gaps as we go along. Let the actors loose on the drama and worry about backstory later...it's surprising how little we readers need.

Right...I've jumped ahead and skimmed. you are doing this non-linear. Fine. But if you do you need (I think) to go back fully into scenes to tell the story rather than too much summary. Just give us the meeting between Jo and Paul. Let us have some gang tension.

That old mantra...show don't tell, especially those major scenes.

In case I forget to say it: you can write, my friend, and well.

Dear Jason Jawando,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. You begin with the unsettling image of boys combating each other on a bridge with holes in it, high above the water. The paragraph about the continuous death threats to Paul reels me into the narrative. At this point I absolutely must know how he could’ve generated so much ill will. You handle the racism well, meaning I have deep sympathy for Paul and feel invested in finding out his fate. I can believe all to easily now that he might’ve been killed for going out with a white girl, a concept that you handled well and could’ve been done a thousand other ways not half as good. You add to the sickening mood by describing the river’s gut-wrenching smell. The description of the hypothetical drowning adds to my disquiet; I can just put the story down because I need to find justice. I love how you create mood through images, from graffiti to crows.

I enjoyed your story. Bravo! Backed.

Best wishes,
Alan Marling

Hi Jason, this is a good portrayal of a strong friendship and the aftermath for the person that is left behind. The opening chapter is good, I like the idea that it is the morning of the funeral and the narrator ends up strolling up to this dangerous bridge that has featured strongly in their childhood. The image of the graffiti is really strong and I like the way you also bring that image into the final sentence. I love the idea of the inappropriate flowers on the canal bank and the link you bring between those and some of the racism Paul faced in his past. This reads almost like a memoir and there is a good depth of emotion in the writing. I enjoyed this so far and it's on my shelf. Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

Hello Jason,

There is no doubt you are a talented writer.
You carry your story with grace and eloquent prose.
Backed.

Lalit Navani ( Femme Fatale )

Hey Jason,
You might take a closer look at the pitch, doesn't grab me in the way that it might.
Really enjoy those crow/bridge description...has me excited/nervous from the start.
There's a bit of extraneous info that I'm not sure adds anything necessary, might take a look at this opener and see if there's any fat to be trimmed. Might work more dialog in there?
I'm interested in why/how he died...although not terribly (sorry) but I sort of wish I had better insights to the narrator by the end of one beyond that he's a bit more skittish than Paul.
Can see you are quite talented...hm, not much else to add beyond the desire for an extra hook to keep me reading this.
But best of luck to you!
-=Bradley

Your opening gave me vertigo, but it us stunning, particularly the use of the crows... dare I say as symbols for death, and the onomatopoiea, reading speech into their cawing.
It's obvious after a few paragraphs that we are in the hands of a professional author, and this is very polished. I am right into the mind of the narrator, and want to stay there and complete this journey.
I would buy this in a heartbeat based on the first few sentences.
Shelved.
Frank

I liked this, must admit wasn't sure when I first started reading it but glad I persevered with it.

Very accomplished writing.

Good luck with it.

Melxx
(UNICORN)

Hi Jason
This story held my attention - shelved

This is a deep introspective beginning and it's half way through chapter 2 before the story surfaces from that into a more conventional form. Normally I'd advise adding in some dialogue or breaking up the masssive information dump that is chapter 1, but in this case I think it works. I didn't spot any technical errors and I wouldn't recommend any changes.

Good luck with this

John Booth (Shaddowdon)

I liked 'Over the Town' - I've been chewing the end of my pen trying to work out why, because I'm usually not too fond of 'literary fiction' that as a genre tends to focus on the nastier side of life. In the end I figure I enjoyed it because it is so perfectly balanced; your descriptions of the characters and locations give me what I need to know without over-writing or understatement, and your prose makes every word earn its keep. This is fine work I'm happy to back.

There are things about the first chapter that I like - the tone, the clear text, and the symbolizm. It's unique (thanks so much for not having the character wake up, or be looking at their reflection in the water). I got a strong sense of place and the backstory and death were introduced in a subtle fashion that wasn't too heavy.

At the same time, I felt distanced from the narrator. I received no visual picture and had to fill in the relationship, name and gender myself -- it's very deep in the chapter before I get enough information to conjure an image and I found that off putting. First person hinders in this respect. I am not "I" -- I needed more information on your images to feel comfortable and truly empathetic.

I read on into chapter 2. The tone here is dark, and you characterize grief well, while keeping the reader curious. The voice here remains unique and intriguing. The casual tone (gone around that night, I reckoned him and Jo...) these add a touch of flavor to the work that keep us in the characters mind. Nice work.

You desperately need a cover to do your book justice as this is such a powerful story. The pitches are spot on and the opening chapter is a great introduction. I'm not a great fan of a first person narrative as a rule, but this works very well. I like the revelations that come as gentle hints and the strong sense of foreboding. This is a dark book, inevitably so, but I'm impressed with your writing style and you an certainly tell a story. I've read six chapters to date and have enjoyed the setting and the exploration of the tensions in the lives of young men on the outskirts of a Northern city.
Backed.
Jared.

Well written, excellent use of first person POV.
Definately not a happily ever after story, and with the gloom that is cast over this right from the off, I don't no whether potential readers will be patient enough to get through it.
I hope they do.
Shelved,
MickR - The Nightcrawler

Hi Jason. I can tell from the pitch (which is very nice) that this is going to be a good story. I read through 2 chapters and some random reading here and there. You seem very accomplished as a writer, nice narrative style and flow. It feels well structured and develops nicely. All in all, I think you have a very nice piece of work here.
Gladly backed. Best of luck with it.

John Harold McCoy - Bramwell Valley

Jason

A compelling opening plunging straight into Pauls death....I agree the narrators reflection is the best way to put this across to the reader.......

stand-offs .......we'd stand at either end........thought using 'stand' twice was repetitive......we'd position ourselves perhaps ??????

I was concious of seeing the word 'I' quite a bit.....It's hard not to use it, I should know, writing in first person as you are.....In your last paragraph for instance, there are 6.....That's not to say you should change it, my opinion is only the view of one person...

Overall an enjoyable read which I'm happy to support......

Excellent writing.. This is an original way to do it
and quite creepy...who would suspect the narrator...
You've done abrilliant job..I Back it.
Suggestion.
We need the narratiors name.. from the start.
The 1st person works well... I would 'play' more bits
of the scenes he descibes with dialogue.
Lots of luck with it.......mikey The Free

Hello Jason, Just had a little read of your story. You write very well, with vivid descriptions that make you want to turn the page. SHELVED.

Phyllis Burton
A Passing Storm (Perhaps you would have a look at this, please?)

You cram so much into this first chapter - completely wrap us up in the character's lives and pasts and childhoods, and I was expecting my head to be buzzing from all of the different names, but you manage this really well. I feel completely slotted into the moment of this story and thoroughly drawn in. It's definitely something I'd rather be reading on paper and I wish you the best of luck with it. Backed when I can make space, and I'm definitely reading on.

Zebbie

Hi Jason
This struck an immediate chord with me as I well remember walking back through Moss Side en route to Whalley Range from Rusholme or the City Centre.
This has a bleak tone that makes for a sombre read. Probably because we know Paul is dead and so everything has a pall over it. It's also quite distancing somehow, as we're seeing events from the future and are being told a lot of the backhistory, rather than seeing it unfold. I think your writing is hugely proficient and rather fabulous but I'm not entirely sure I'd want to read the whole book - but that could well be me and I am pretty sure I would have adored this when I was younger.
One question. You mention the Bridgewater canal. Is this the one in Somerset? If so, it's Bridgwater (without an e).....only know because I used to live near it. But maybe it's another.
Happy to back you
Jane
WALKER

Hi Jason!

As promised, I'm here for our read swap. I'm going to make comments as I read, so bear with me...

Your pitch - very well written. Gives a nice overview of the book's plot and the drama that is to unfold at Paul's funeral, resulting from his death/murder/suicide. In your short pitch, I would suggest a hyphen after dead... "Paul Allen is dead - jumped, pushed or fallen from the bridge." (That seems to separate the front from the back end better than the comma did.) I'd also recommend putting double spaces between your paragraphs in the long intro to separate. It'll make the material easier to read. I love the questions you pose in the longer pitch - way to engage the reader and make them want to find out the answers!

Inside, you plunge right into the mystery! Kind of a dark, intriguing voice you've got in this - I love it!

Some nits along the way:
-Watch your use of hyphens. "half-a-second" I would change to "a half second" / twenty-feet doesn't need the hyphen
-Watch your use of semicolons. They can look out of place, slowing down the reader. If at all possible, use a comma to separate dependant clauses and periods to separate independent ones (making two sentences rather than one.) My first notice of this was your third sentence in - it's really long and cumbersome. I'm not sure how to fix it, but wanted to bring it up as an example. Another - "I won't keep you long, love; don't bottle it up." I'd put a period after love, start don't with a capital. (It's a style thing - do what you want for YOUR book! I'm just giving you a reader's perspective, that's all.)
-Same goes for colons - you tend to use a lot of them. "She was right: we don't know where he went in." versus "She was right. We don't know where he went in."

Nice descriptive prose - love the bit about the stench of the canal... I can smell it just reading your words!

Love the word phlegmy!

Love the last paragraph in chapter one - great way to set up the tone and hook the reader into continuing the read. I'm being interrupted, but will come back to read more in a bit. This is a great start to a thrilling novel. I'm not sure yet if it should be in the "crime" genre (will have to read more to find out!), but I do like where this is going. I'll message you directly if I find anything else out of place or needs addressing. Great job - I'm happy to back this!

Kim
Invisible Justice

Over the Town:

Jason, I don't like heights and darn you, you made me walk right behind you on that bridge, looking down at the puddles, only they're not puddles, but holes in the bridge, a hundred feet below...

This has lots of promise, and I'll give it a spot on my shelf.

All the best,

Cáit ~ Muckers ~

This is disturbingly good - I felt vertigo at the bridge and I could almost smell the canal. I didn't notice a single problem with the story, although I agree with the post below that your pitch doesn't do your work justice. Backed.

I think you've tried to cram too much into your pitch, and the tense varies, so as to make it convoluted, and difficult to follow. It doesn't need to be a summary of the whole book, so try reducing it to main points, and make sure it hooks the reader. Once that's sorted, you will get a lot of interest in your excelent book, which is well-written, has a good storyline and some very interesting characters. I think this will do well. Backed with pleasure. Best wishes, Tony.

Over The Town

Hi Jason,

Welcome to Authonomy, you will thoroughly enjoy this site.

You are an excellent writer, how do I know? 1. You've been at it for a long time now, you've completed three novels, you do beginnings, middles and ends well. 2. You have an eye for attention to detail and drawing out a comparison, a metaphor and making it live. 3. You have a gritty, focused realisitc authorial voice. We are in character from the beginning.

This is exceptionally good writing, well constructed, with enough pace to propel us forward and enough steadiness to enable us to take in the view. Impressive stuff, well done. I am supporting this book and wish you well with it. A fresh and inventive read, the storying begins from the first words.

Thank you for uploading this and I wish you well
Good luck
Andrew W
(Sanctuary's Loss)