Book Jacket

 

rank 134
word count 14233
date submitted 22.12.2009
date updated 02.05.2012
genres: Science Fiction
classification: moderate
incomplete

MINDFORGER

K.Z. Freeman

What would you do if you saw how the world will die? What could you do?



 

"I wish I could tell you time heals all wounds. But it seems that, the more time we have, the more wounds we get. And when we finally manage to forget the old ones, we look upon the scars..."


Max Byron is the proxy of a living god, and his god hates him. Or so it would seem. Given the power to bend men to his will, Max scours the world and does his master's bidding. All this he does because of His words, words Max had heard in his mind the day his family was murdered. "I can bring them back."

Max's wish, however, to see his family again, sends his mind racing to find the psychic who had promised to return them to him. But how does one find a man with a thousands faces? One who is seemingly everywhere and nowhere? How does one find a god?

To do this, Max must enter a different sphere of existence, one that transforms his mind and the world around him, bringing him face to face with truths he couldn't even dream of.


[prequel to Starforger - complete]

 
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tags

action, adventure, distant planets, fast-paced, future, mystery, omniverse, sheer craziness, the nature of humankind

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578 comments

 

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Lynne Ellison wrote 1305 days ago

chilling exploration of the consequences of cyrbernetic modification

Lynne Ellison

The Green Bronze Mirror

Trenor wrote 408 days ago

Been going back between chap 1 and 2 trying to figure out if it is a mistake(?) that they seem to be the same - or perhaps something else that reveals itself later on in the book? I must admit I have not yet read the entire thing yet, so in that case, please excuse my ignorance. Just thought I should mention in case it was an upload mistake.
But other than that, this is VERY well written. (wondering also if Max Byron is a tribute to Byron (Mad Max) Kennedy.?) If so, then Cheers.

HIGH STARS for Mindforger!

If you get a chance, if you could check out my work, it would be much appreciated.
-Trenor
THE LORDS OF INVENTION

Seringapatam wrote 413 days ago

I have read three chapters of this book and although cannot give a critique, I can tell you how I felt as a reader. Superb. What a hook this book is. Intelligent writing and where this came from I will never know. I often wonder how people can think up something like this. I applaud you. Superb flowing read. Great premise. rolls along at the right pace, very deep and powerful words. I was hooked from the first few paragraphs and can see other readers doing the same. So well done.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

Lady Long Legs wrote 415 days ago

Wonderfully Faust. This is a great read, very enjoyable.

Sasha12345 wrote 573 days ago

I read the first chapter and I like very much how you go through the dream sequence. Although I must say that it is a little depressing way to start your novel, but it does keep your attention. I will keep on my shelf for now and keep the high rate I gave you. Good luck.

Stan_the_Man wrote 575 days ago

Very good book so far. I will read more soon, along with the other books on my shelf, and try to give you my opinion. Backed and rated high.

Sasha12345 wrote 579 days ago

I will read your book soon. I have put it on my shelf and highly starred.

Abby Vandiver wrote 585 days ago

Well, I only read to Chapter Three ( I think that one and two are the same?), and what I get is God (a god) manifested as a man. Of course, if I got that right that's all I know. The writing is some where out there, which I suppose is appropriate for this out there (in a good way) story. It is only for a few because of its abstract and vague nature. The writing, however, is good,without error, but the flow is hard I found myself rereading and reading it out loud.

Abby

scargirl wrote 721 days ago

good piece for its genre. great opening, too. and i have to agree....the more time goes by the more wounds we suffer...
j

Willie Triplett wrote 858 days ago

I need your input on my pitch

Karen Eisenbrey wrote 989 days ago

KZ,

Mindforger has been on my watchlist for I don't know how long! I finally had a chance to check it out. This is an imaginative piece that works as both straight-up speculative fiction and as theological allegory. I had forgotten that English is not your first language, and really couldn't tell from the text. In fact, the complexity of the language puts this at the literary end of the genre -- not a bad place to be!

The prologue is trippy, as the apparently immortal narrator dreams up the world (or a world) and attempts to interact with its people. For my tastes this section went on a little too long for a prologue, but that's just one opinion. You might consider just tightening up the language. For example, you use the phrase "none the less" at least three times, fairly close together. Do you need all of those, or could you say it another way?

I loved the cat at the end of chapter 2. Cats don't take orders, even from the Admin's proxy. (A cat matching this cat's description is watching me right now).

I noted the following edits for correction:

Prologue

Is this where too where I shall die? Cut one of the wheres and maybe also the too.

miniscule This may be a variant spelling, but my spellchecker doesn't like it, and it looks funny to me, too. I'd spell it "minuscule."

take not of them You want "note"

skin flays of their flesh You want "off their flesh." Also, I think "flay" is something that is done to skin, not something that skin can do. That said, I kind of like this usage, in a horrified way.

Ch 1

Max's wife and younger daughter are never named. I think they deserve names, at the very least, unless for plot reasons he can't remember their names.

His wife looked him Insert "at" before him.

Leena went limb. You want "limp"

He didn't feel them on his cheeks or realized they had come . . . In this construction, you want "realize" to match "feel"

Ch 2

even thought he knew . . . You want "though"

Max wasn't even sure what he'd do once he would find him. You want either "once he found him" or "once he did find him" or even "Max wasn't sure what he'd do if he found him."

the first Grey-Tech tower ever build. You want "built"

though-patterns. You want "thought-patterns". I'm not sure you need the hyphen.

corporal body. You want "corporeal"

and easygoingness You want "an easygoingness"

I fully support Jane Catherine's advice to read the manuscript aloud. It will give a sense of the flow, and it's also a great way to catch misspellings and missing words that spellcheckers can't detect.

Good luck with this ambitious project!

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY
TIME SQUARED


Jane Catherine wrote 1010 days ago

Hi KZ,
Your imagination is certainly rooted in cyberspace! I like how you portray the antagonist at an invisible entity. My suggestion when you next edit would be to read it aloud or have someone read it to you as there are a few areas that don't flow as freely as you want them to be. For example, at the end of chapter two, your use of the words "Him and His" could be modified or dropped all together.

My book addresses spiritual entities, both dark and light (!) and its even a non-fiction genre. I think you'd click with it.

Jane
The Celestial Proposal: Dare we Join the God-kind?

Jane Catherine wrote 1010 days ago

Hi KZ,
Your imagination is certainly rooted in cyberspace! I like how you portray the antagonist at an invisible entity. My suggestion when you next edit would be to read it aloud or have someone read it to you as there are a few areas that don't flow as freely as you want them to be. For example, at the end of chapter two, your use of the words "Him and His" could be modified or dropped all together.

My book addresses spiritual entities, both dark and light (!) and its even a non-fiction genre. I think you'd click with it.

Jane
The Celestial Proposal: Dare we Join the God-kind?

CarolinaAl wrote 1014 days ago

I read your prologue.

General comments: An engaging start. An interesting main character. Lyrical narrative. Vivid imagery. Good tension in this chapter. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the prologue:
1) 'He fears it' is telling. How does this fear manifest? Consider describing the onset of his fear so vividly the reader will experience it along with him. When you do this, the reader will be pulled deeper into the scene.
2) ' ... a light a inside the fading haze.' Remove the second 'a.'
3) 'None has sensed the event of being like him-before it had actually happened.' In my opinion the em-dash should be an ellipsis ( ... ). Use an ellipsis for hesitation. Use an em-dash for interruption. The break in this sentence seems like a hesitation to me, so an ellipsis is appropriate.
4) 'He doesn't feel anything for feels like an agonizingly long period.' A word seems to be missing from this sentence. Should 'what' be inserted after 'for?'
5) 'Valleys and mountains, rivers and threes begin to ... ' 'Threes' should be 'trees.'
6) ' ... he notices one side of the globe sits incased in darkness, ... ' 'Incased' should be 'encased.'
7) ' ... his chicks gaunt and sunken.' 'Chicks' should be 'cheeks.'

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important opening pages. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire" and keep it in mind when you next reshuffle your bookshelf?

Have a wonderful day.

Al

DragonLady wrote 1015 days ago

Excellent imagery and well written. An interesting subject although not my particular genre. A few misspellings found that would not show in spellcheck, but all-in-all great read. Highly starred and backed.
Gretchen
"Drágön Spawn"

OpheliaWrites wrote 1015 days ago

I agree that "time drags on". You may want to open with a bit more action. I had to resist the urge to skim. The language and imagery is superb but also easy to get lost in.

tecmic wrote 1015 days ago

I can wander off into other worlds, visualise the unthinkable and create the unimaginable but this is too abstract for my taste. Nevertheless, I recognise the skill employed and applaud the poetic influence, which helps the story flow. Nicely constructed and a good premise...should be popular.

Justis Call wrote 1015 days ago

As promised (quite some time ago...my apologies) I have read through a portion of Starforger. I must say first off that I really like the title - it has a ring of fascination with the simple combination of words. Which then leads me to the expectation of further fascinating word combination.....and I have not been disappointed!

Authonomy chapter 9, your chapter 7, for example: "His rage blazed over the robotic monster." I can easily visualize the rage that is 'blazing.' Terrific!

On my shelf, good luck to you!
Justis Call
Snow Bound

Justis Call wrote 1015 days ago

As promised (quite some time ago...my apologies) I have read through a portion of Starforger. I must say first off that I really like the title - it has a ring of fascination with the simple combination of words. Which then leads me to the expectation of further fascinating word combination.....and I have not been disappointed!

Authonomy chapter 9, your chapter 7, for example: "His rage blazed over the robotic monster." I can easily visualize the rage that is 'blazing.' Terrific!

On my shelf, good luck to you!
Justis Call
Snow Bound

J.Kinkade wrote 1024 days ago

Hi K.Z.

Your pitch (parts of it) look intriguing. But the first sentence/para could be better, I think.

///It looked at him with an expression a human being might recognize as disdain and said,///

Do you really, really need this line? First, I think "it" can be turned into whatever 'it" is. Because, as I read it, I want to envision something scary. I'm only assuming it's scary, based on what follows. Maybe the "it" is not at all scary. See what I mean?

"The greatest enemy of man is his own stupidity." This line is good. I'd keep it.

Then we move into the longer pitch.

For the first para, I'd flip it (and rework it a bit)...

Fascinated by other species' notion of a God, and weary of their purely physical existence, synthetic beings decide to create something they long craved--a soul.

Next para...

On future Earth, transhumanism transcends the concept and crafts a new reality. Individuals become infused with unthinkable power through implants and genetic engineering and thrive in the new world order.

///transcends which concept? The idea of creating a soul?
//what do you mean by a new reality?
//Are the individuals human? How do they relate to your first para where you talk about synthetic beings?
//What new world order?

But for one individual (//Is he human or synthetic?//), nighmares grow indistinguishable from reality. And while in search of the architects (//can you hint who these people might be so I can visualize?//) of his visions and the nature (//can you describe the nature? is it sinister? or quite the opposite?//) of the lucid dream sequences, he gets thrust into an (//recommend deleting: world -of an--) underground syndicate whose members - just like him - are not quite prepared for what truly awaits beyond the veils of mystery and intrigue.

I like the last paragraph. It makes me want to read the book. Nicely done! Feel free to ignore my two cents worth. Best of luck to you! Jean Kinkade

A good, if morbid start, but then it started to get metaphysical, and the action died into a philosophical discussion.

I also thought that there wasn't enough establishing of the fantasy world as background.

I had a bit of difficulty imagining the entire world, possibly as a side effect of too mahy sci fi movies.

When you described the ship, I didn't have any idea of whether you meant a Starship Enterprise, or a Halo shuttle, or a Mind from Iain Banks.

I would appreciate a little more description and more interaction between the philosophy and the action.

however, on the good side, it reminds me of bits of the Empire, Foundation and Empire, and Second Foundation triology by Asimov.

Mae Tindell wrote 1030 days ago

Wonderful writing and great imagery - esp with the destruction of the world in your prologue. Your story then continues in a tyraneous stream of mysterious events so well written it is difficult to stop reading. Bravo!!

On WL and highly starred with a promise to back ASAP.

Mae
'Ignited'

monicque wrote 1055 days ago

Oh thank goodness you showed me some action from the first paragraph!! But where were adras and logos (good names by the way). If their world is being destroyed, then are they still on it, just standing around, watching? If they were far enough away to be 'safe' then would they really be able to see the soldiers? Would they look if they could???
So you give them a callous kind of characterization right from the start....
With the italics bits, you usually do not need 'tags' such as Adras wondered.
However: who is thinking?? The way the reader will know 'who' it is that is wondering/thinking etc. is by keeping to the same characters POV all the way through, which you have done... however, there are places where the pov almost shifts.... Such as in paragraphs 2, 7 and 9. If you make the pov clear in the first section before the italics bit, then we will know it is adras thinking.
LOL: Selected to talk to aliens... wow, i can relate to that - i've been talking to a lot of aliens lately (haha). Good one..
OK, now the paragraph with the word 'streamlined' in it... Have you ever looked at anyone and thought, " wow, their head is so streamlined!! "
And in this paragraph with the word 'streamlined'... Um, ok... this paragraph will jar the reader in a few ways (in my opinion). The second time you have the word 'his' in this paragraph, we do not know who 'his' is unless we go back and look at the context, but you should be able to write the paragraph without making the reader do that work.
In Chapter 1: It seems you're trying to create mystery by not telling us who "it" and "he" is in this first section. Then you reveal just a few para's down, that one of the speakers is Krom.
When you go in to the dialog bit between Krom and Gaal, I'm not really sure if one of them is the "It" the monster thing?
At the start of chapter 1, you have used the POV of the monster. This is a bold move. wow. I'm not sure whethere I would attempt this pov, especially since there is a definate POV shift from the bit where the followers agreed with Krom. Starting chap 1 from the pov of the monster doesn't allow you to let the other characters describe the monster, and I think this is necessary here.... We don't know what it looks like... And if it had it's first conscious thought in the first para, then how does it understand language?

And talking about language, your use of the English is fantastic. I would assume that English is your first language.
All these problems I have talked about above (pov shifts etc) are things I see in many works on this site. And why are pov shifts a problem? Its not a silly rule, and sure, rules can be broken in fiction... but the rules are there because it has been found that when you don't follow them in fiction, they jar the reader, and confuse the reader. I think you do have the ability and skill to work out what I mean, and you will not have to change a lot to make this piece really good. You have the basis of a wonderful storyline and plot, and generally, your writing is easy to read and follow. You have a good strong voice!!! I have starred you as 'good', because I like the premise of the story and the plot, and I believe that if you do a little more tweaking, then this work has the potential to be successful.
Thanks for sharing.
Monicque. :)

Dr Ajay Kansal wrote 1063 days ago

Hi
Your pitch is excellent: Greatest enemy of man............. This is a powerful and inspiring quotable sentence. You plot is interesting. Soon, I will read and comment further. Ajay

Maiya419 wrote 1085 days ago

very tired, but i wanted to get this book started before I completely dozed off. its been on my watchlist for a while and did an amazing job of keeping me awake! (that says a lot!!) Starred for now. i shall continue later!

Maiya :D

PCreturned wrote 1103 days ago

Hi K.Z.

I remember you from back in the day on authonomy. I just spotted you again when I was trawling the website in a late-night stupor, so I popped over for a peek at your work. :)

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they will just be my thoughts. You can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

(Sorry in advance for any typos, but my keyboard’s a bit knackered :()

Prologue : Wow dramatic start. a dying world. This must have been a hell of a war. No wonder. The enemy sounds as good as immortal. How could anybody hope to defeat such a dread foe? Interesting interaction between Adras and Logos. Is there any point to resistance that ends in anihilation? In principle yes. In practice... maybe it's not the smartest idea ;).

1 tiny suggestion here. I think, occasionally, your writing could be even more involving if you found ways to show more and tell less. eg "Sadness overwhelmed him. He wished he were somewhere else..." is you telling the reader a fact. It's a bit like lecturing them. If, instead, you wrote something like "Wetness trickled down his cheeks. Why couldn't he be somewhere else?" you'd be showing the reader evidence of his sadness. The reader can then infer the meaning for themself. I think it's sometimes a mistake to spoonfeed readers by telling them too much. Showing them things and letting them draw their own conclusions should actively involve them in your story more. ;)

Reading on... Ominous name for the aliens. The construct. It speaks of something vast and immovable and inhuman. Brrr. What were these unknowable aliens after? They seemed set on subjugation or annihilation, but there must be a reason. Hmmm I think there's a mystery here.

Uh oh what is this thing Gaal has made? He insists its not a weapon of war, but I get the feeling it will be hideously powerful. And they've just released it.

I’ve a tiny suggestion here. In general, I think it’s best to avoid forms of started/began as actions don’t really start. They just happen. eg instead of “the air began to thrum” I think “the air thrummed” would work better.

Reading on. Is this white flame Gaal's weapon? It does seem unstoppable. I suspect Adras and Logos are doomed. :(

Chapter 1: Hmmm what was this thing that was just born? It seems malicious, and it can read minds. Why would somebody create such an entity? Ah it seems to be a machine. I wonder if the creators understand just what they've made. They may have real problems controlling or understanding it. Looks like the construct have made this thing. Hmmm and it looks like the construct themselves may be synthetic. That raises the question... what made the construct?

The construct seem to be arguing with themselves about the danger of this new entity. And then, out of nowhere, somebody takes a hand. looks like Krom and his men are destroyed. Did the entity do this? Or did a faction of the construct? Either way, it seems as if the entity learns the ways of the construst fast, demanding surrender by the end of the chapter. Maybe this new entity is the reason for the construct's demands of Earth. Or maybe the construct is demanding surrender from the construct itself in a supreme irony. ;)

Chapter 2: Hmmm why's the administrator trying to deal with the press? what's the story here? I'm sure we'll find out soon.

I've a really small nitpick here. When you say something like "His eyes scanned" it sounds like they're disconnected from the body and wandering about on their own ;). I think something like "he looked at..." would work better, ;)

Reading on... We get a mysterious woman coming with an offer too good to refuse. But who is she and why is she making such an offer? Suspicious.

Then we're with Chase, staring at Jupiter. Why's the red spot swollen so hugely? Another mystery. Could this be something to do with the construct? Cool portal tech, by the way. ;) Ah then we seem to learn the reason for the disturbance hinted at earlier in the chapter. Tension withing the population about this transhumanist movement. It seems as if nature can be hugely improved upon by tech in this strange future world. No wonder there are such disturbances.

I've a tiny suggestion here. I think, generally, it's best to avoid adverbs as a strong verb almost always does a better job than a verb-adverb pair. eg I think in “effortlessly working his way through..." the verb doesn't best describe the motion, so the adverb's been added to prop it up. I think a stronger verb could do the job on its own, without need for an adverb at all. eg I think something like “weaving his way through..." would work. I only ever use an adverb when there isn’t a verb that completely describes the meaning I want to convey. Increasingly, I think a large part of writing comes down ro just picking verbs. ;)

Reading on. the murder was a shock. Looks like things have reached boiling point. And it looks like Chase is out to thwart this administrator's plans. Who or what is this subject? What's the administrator trying to do? So many questions. So much intrigue. :)

OK I just saw how long this comment's getting. I guess I better stop before it grows to a ridiculous size. I'll sum up now, and then shut up. :)

I think you have a great story here, filled with mystery and tension. Your descriptions are well done, and really paint pictures of what's going on. And the dialogue is believable and feels real. I especially like the way you stretch out the tension by releasing information, little be little. Each question seems to create a new, deeper question. At the end of each section, I want to read on and find out what new developments your story has in store.

I've rated your book as highly as possible, and hope you get noticed by an agent. I think there's a real audience out there for your work.

Best of luck,

Pete

curiousturtle wrote 1130 days ago

KZ,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first thing that jumps here is the style. Is a moment by moment perception where every moment is a dangling act promising the next to have the same urgency....

..... and that you deliver.

Here we have a situation were the jewel of your narrative also happened to it's weakness.

By that what I mean is the landscape shot. There is a reason why every Scy Fy movie spends 30% of its budget on the first 3 minutes of filming, and that reason is the landscape shot.

Think of the start of AI. The Fifth Element. Start Trek. 2001

They all start with the painting of a world the reader has never seen; deeply visual, deeply poetic, a world whose poetic vision is 'thick' enough to seduce the reader to engage in the kind of suspension of disbelief that is required to sustain all the fantastic premises Scy Fy promises..

a visual world that says to the reader....

......come...for...this you have never seen

Your start fulfils the intent but not the promise.

For, the idea of Armageddon as a start, while the hero goes through an existential crisis is a very original one in it's conception, a reason why is the jewel....

what is missing is the poetic, concrete, deeply visual language that would fulfill the potential of your initial scene.....

....not enough of it, not sufficiently visual....it doesn't resonate enough.

So, stay with the idea....just polish it further.

As you requested.......zero bullshit

David

Willie Triplett wrote 1142 days ago

Goood Pitch

Jedah Mayberry wrote 1178 days ago

It's intriguing to think war on earth might end only to give way to war between fhe worlds. Perhaps, once both combatants recognize that extinction is the price of failure, the end of a species, war will take on new meaning.

Will add to my bookshelf as soon as space opens up. Intersting story.

Jedah Mayberry
-Slow Train Comin'

RonParker wrote 1181 days ago

Hi K.Z,

This is good, original, and for the most part very well-written.

You do have the occassional tense slip, suc as in the prologue you have 'know' which should be 'knew. Also, in chapter one, a couple of time you use the word bare when you mean bear.

But overall, a great story.
Ron

Good for Her wrote 1199 days ago

I liked this enough to read to Ch 7. The concept of creating a soul is wonderful, and there are touches in each chapter which spark the imagination - when Shell sees the symbols, for instance, and recognises them from his dream. Quite a metaphor, altogether, for over-mechanisation. JRM
A FEAST OF TALES and
GOOD FOR HIM

Jaye Hill wrote 1203 days ago

Ingenious, detailed, a truly different world where teleporting is common and mind powered machines help the hero at every stage. But is Chase really helping Shell? I must confess to being totally confused by the plot but enjoying the ride! Will star and watchlist

Pia wrote 1206 days ago

K Z -

Starforger - the premise intrigues. Prologue: Rihart and Orm have a banter that suggests bonded friendship. I'll have to find out what happened to 'the woman'. They escape from Gey-Tech research center to earth through a portal. Lucic dreaming, travelling into the infinite, birth and death tied together, these are fascinating themes and would make me read on, not least because the style of writing is quite elegant, with unusual phrases. Refreshing my early comment, sending Starforgers a handful of stars and wishing you the best success. I just discovered your new book, so will take a look.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Cardennightelf wrote 1220 days ago

A unique story, with the thrills of knowing what's going on, not only in a human mind, but in an alien's as well. An opening line that chills you to the core, with a thrilling tale coming immediately after, and you hardly expect it. Well written, with wonderful detail, life-like imagery, and imagination beyond any i've seen so far.

-Rachelle

Secrets: Book one-- To Save Ella

The Mystery of Esmirrena wrote 1224 days ago

From what I read (up to chapter 2), it has a nice storyline! I think I'm going to back it for a while! And read the rest!

Cheers,

Jeremie

PatrickArmstead wrote 1227 days ago

Hi K. Z.,

I had read quite a few chapters of your book in the past. This time I read some of the later chapters and I still feel this is an exquisite piece of Science Fiction. Happy to reback and give 6 Stars.

Good Luck,

Patrick Armstead
Dark Lands

Kaimaparamban wrote 1231 days ago

This novel contains a theme of psychological analysis. Think of man is leading him. Evolution of thinking in his mind is making each incident. A type of evolution of thinking is making in novelist’s mind and when it emerged out, it became a good novel. You are deserving appreciations from every where.

Joy J Kaimaparamban
The Wildfire

Raphael Ordonez wrote 1233 days ago

I’ve read the first several chapters of Starforger. It is an evocative read, with plenty of colorful detail to capture the attention and make the story concrete. The descriptions of the Red Eye looking over Europa really struck me as sublime. The vocabulary is admirable, too; perhaps English being your second language means that you’re more careful with choosing your words than some native speakers.

I did have a number of usage quibbles, generally instances in which you’ve written in the way that people speak English rather than the way they write it, which is okay in dialogue, I think, but not so much in narration. Rather than enumerate them, maybe I’ll just point you to my favorite book on usage, punctuation, commonly-made mistakes, etc: “The Elements of Style” by Strunk & White. It also has a very good section on style. I live by it. It’s a short book and very cheap. The only other thing I would suggest would be more narrative detail so that the text doesn’t read so much like manga. But maybe that’s just my old-fashioned prejudices speaking.

Overall, above-average writing for this site. I’m giving it a good rating. Good luck. --Raphael

fody wrote 1242 days ago

Your first three sentences confused me...Nothing could prepare him for the spectacle, yet in the next two sentences you say he knew from the start what the result would be. The third sentence lacks a subject who knew, though I did understand what you were trying to say. My favorite line in the prologue was 'it's mass spilled the oceans,' that really did the trick for fixing the proportion of the ship's size in my mind. You use great imagery, and I only found one or two picky little grammar thingies in each paragraph. Your English is fine, you just need to buckle down and do a massive, line-by-line edit. The premise is scary enough, and your story flows and keeps me interested. I'm going to put you on my watchlist and check back later to see if you are editing. The story and your skill are both much too good to commit less than 100%. If it takes a year to get it right, will it have been worth it? You are getting close to the editor's desk, and I hope you don't squander your chance...

Forrest -- Council of the Ark

Darugh wrote 1255 days ago

I planned to read one chapter and comment tonight. Then I had to read another. Then another, then etc etc. I have finished eight chapters and I am hooked. You keep the reader's interest and the tension throughout. Well done. Backef - with stars.

BTW - thanks for backing The Witness Tree

Patricia West Hays

Adventurethriller wrote 1264 days ago

The beginning has too much similarity to the hitchhikers galaxy for me

Neville wrote 1264 days ago

STARFORGER
By K.Z. Freeman.

I would buy your book; it’s a thrilling read and keeps the reader involved.
For a Sci Fi book, it’s one of the best. Great description here, and very colorful writing. Your book starts off well and continues to do so throughout.
Very cleverly written and deserves backing.
SHELVED and RATED.


Kind regards,

Neville THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST – THE TIME ZONE.

Billy Young wrote 1264 days ago

Thought provoking and gripping story. Backed.

Elysian wrote 1265 days ago

Ohhh, this is good. Peter F Hamilton good. I am genuinely impressed, which is not easy to do with sci fi... it's my own trade, and I hate to see adept competition! You've nailed the sense of momentum and crushing doom that good apocalypse-opera needs, and for that I applaud you. Now I'd love to hear your take on 'Elysium Burning'...

Herschel Shirley wrote 1265 days ago

I backed your book in the 'old days'. I have room on my shelf for one book and for now I will place yours there. When you have room I would appreciate your consideration.

Herschel Shirley
Earth Reaver & The Jaded Throne

Herschel Shirley wrote 1265 days ago

I backed your book in the 'old days'. I have room on my shelf for one book and for now I will place yours there. When you have room I would appreciate your consideration.

Herschel Shirley
Earth Reaver & The Jaded Throne

J.S.Watts wrote 1265 days ago

A gripping start; descriptive and immediate, although some of the descriptions feel, to me, a tad overly dramatic and over-written. Elesewhere, though, the style is strong and the vision is striking.

One little nit, I think it should be "melded" rather than "meld" as Adras and Logos join the fight.

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON

Cariad wrote 1266 days ago

Well, I couldn't resist a read. I have, at the start, a couple of minor points - one, the names. If they are the last of humankind, could they not have regular names? That way we identify with them as 'us' and feel we know them, and you also avoid the common sci-fi problem of people thinking up unlikely names for a future scenario. Somehow ordinary names makes it more real. Second - rather on the same tack: mentioning that their weapons are 'plasma' weapons could come over as 'info-dump.' If we are really in this world, we know what they are. You only need to say weapons - but that may be me.

Now for the rest: really enjoyed it. It's kind of a mix between sci-fi and philosophy. Parts of it are standard sci-fi fare, and parts very reflective and deep. The scenario is all too possible with the advent of cyber life and cloning, so seems not far fetched at all, and there's something quite sad about witnessing the possible end of our own kind. Did you choose the name Logos deliberately? You are probably aware that logos (the Word) is a continuing element in many world religions, ancient and more modern as being the creative force behind all things.

You spammed me, you got me. I shall go on reading, shall watchlist and may even give it a spin on my shelf at the next fair change over time (if it continues to entertain me. ;) )
Cariad.
STONES.

Fred Le Grand wrote 1266 days ago

This is excellent.
Well-written although there were one or two clumsy sentences, which I'm sure you'll revise when you edit.
The characerisations are good and the narrative prose tight.
Like it!
Backed.

scatteredfrost wrote 1268 days ago

I backed this wonderful book before, I left it on my watchlist because I was sure it would go all the way to the editors desk. So I'm backing it again.

Pamela Frost
Houses of Cards

stretch wrote 1270 days ago

Love your story. Good science fiction. Backed.