Book Jacket


rank 3452
word count 11535
date submitted 23.12.2009
date updated 10.02.2011
genres: Fiction, Romance, Fantasy, Young Ad...
classification: moderate

Dark Souls

Deloris Collins

Keira lives in an alternate London where city guards uphold the law out of brutality and fear, and demons roam the night.


Out of jealousy and hate Keira destroys the life of a young girl. Her punishment is to be stoned to near death and left to die under the scorching heat of the desert wastelands.

Moments from death, she meets a demon who promises her immortality and vengeance, and with the powerful demon at her side, she participates in the destruction of her entire village. Centuries pass and Keira grows to regret the horror of her choices and seeks redemption. But she knows better than anyone that the last thing The King of Demons is going to let her do is atone for her sins.

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action, dark fantasy, demons, immortals., magic, soulmates, souls, spells, witches

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zan wrote 1476 days ago

Dark Souls
Deloris Collins

Your plot is interesting. Your use of language is stunning. You write in a clean, crisp, clear manner and succeed in portraying perfectly the event, the characters. Your setting, atmosphere, tone add extra ingredients to this which I'm simply at a loss to describe. Your very first line is sharp, chilling. "In my dreams I am killing this girl". Then, "I curse them all, I wish I could spit in their faces. How dare they judge me?" A bit of Scarlet Letter here? I like this Shaman's daughter. Perhaps not the deal that she makes, but a little snake's tongue darting out playfully and licking her temples, hissing like a beautiful symphomy must have been irresistible - so whispering that's he's prepared to make a deal at that moment must have been overwhelming. This Shaman's daughter is Eve all over again. Your good/evil theme is always appealing to wide audiences everywhere. I think you should get rid of all your genre labels and simply tick the literay fiction box. This is a grand, stimulating and enjoyable read and surely you achieve your objective of proving to readers that you are a brilliant writer with an imagination which dwells only in the minds of truly unique souls. Respect and admiration here. This will go very far. Sorry I have no editorial advice. You will get a lot of that here in any event. I simply read to enjoy the story - and you have a brilliant one. I will be following the rise of this book here and hope you find a publisher very soon.

nboving wrote 1578 days ago

Deloris, this is great stuff. Murder, a deal with the devil and eternity. Shades of "The Immortal". You write very well, your descriptions are excellent and the pacing keeps us going. Your first chapter really draws the reader in. Vengeance, regret and atonement. This book is going to be a real pleaser, and a pleasure to read. I look forward to you putting the rest of it up so we can find out if Keira gets out of it and her wish is granted.

This is going on my watch list until, I make some room to back it. Great stuff. I applaud you.

Nicholas Boving ("The Warlock") - Horror/Thriller

Mitch Kelly wrote 1578 days ago

Hi Deloris,

After reading two chapters, this looks good.
So far I have found it unique, and certainly intriguing.
You do write very well, and with a polish this will definately shine.
Definately on my bookshelf.

Mitch K (Bad Blood)

AnnabelleC wrote 1573 days ago

Great opening. I was roaming the fantasy section of Waterstone's today, and this is a much better premise than many of the books I saw. Best of lluck with it.

Red Ribbon wrote 1153 days ago

The prolouge was interested and I wanted to read more, though I had to read the line 'A blond and green eyed white man' twice as the description ran together as one.

In chp 1 Keira looks at her reflection and then we get a description, I know this is a nit pic but could we not discover her looks through little snippets rather than just as a passing thought.

There is a line in chp 1 that didn't flow for me 'her looks were a ilttle bit a part of the reason for why she had gotten into trouble'. An alternative could be 'When trouble had found her all those years ago, her looks had played their part.' and do we need the description of her getting ready down to the brushing teeth and getting dressed.

This is an interesting read and I think with a little edit it will flow much better.

Good luck.


Bradley Haynes wrote 1164 days ago

Disturbing, chilling and well written. Takes one on a dark journey with eyes half closed and minds wide open. Gripping and thought provoking. Good Luck.
Kind Regards.
Bradley Haynes (Tricia & Maura)

Bradley Haynes wrote 1164 days ago

Disturbing, vivid, fast moving writing, takes one to the darkest places of imagination and reality. With eyes half closed and minds wide open we read on, totally chilling and brilliantly written.
Good Luck.
Kind Regards.
Bradley Haynes (Tricia & Maura)

DL Salazar wrote 1165 days ago

Great book, interesting plot, believable characters and great writing! The only critique I could make would be that I didn't fully understand why Keira wanted to kill Adonia? Yes, she was perfect and it irked Keira, but during reading it, you also point out that Keira was beautiful...I think you need to expand a little more on WHY Adonia was Keira's rival and why it called for Adonia's demise.

I love the fact that Keira is now seeking atonement and realizes the errors of her ways. Good vs. evil, right vs. wrong...these things always make for a great book.

I wish you the best of luck!

DL Salazar
The Golden Ones

Inky36 wrote 1174 days ago

Dark Souls
By Deloris Collins.

Hello Deloris. I have had your book in my watch list now for a couple of weeks. I was attracted by it's cover and by the pitch. So far I have read the Prologue and Chapter 1, and I am not disappointed. You have a good way with words and I like the voice and flow.
The prologue begins well with the murder of the child and the reader can get inside the head of the Shaman's daughter, which is a bit of a shock to find out, that someone who comes from that type of background, as she does could do such a thing. The imagery is quite shocking and a little disturbing, but it is meant to be and gives this the read on factor. I also liked the way you wrote about how the villagers dealt with her because of her crime. It's different as most get away with things, but she didn't and I think you wrote it well and conveyed her emotions quite realistically.
My only nitpick for the prologue is that of the small sentence...And during this moment. I would consider changing the word 'moment' for repetative reasons as you already have the same word in the same sentence with only three words separating them.

Chapter 1 - is exciting and we find out a little more of the world that Keira lives in and the demons that walk the streets. Good imagery again throughout, the reader can see what happens, which is something I like in a book. I thought that it has all been written really well and I liked the scene where you showed the demon killing the woman, it wasn't over descriptive, it was just right and you take the reader into Keira's world without too much effort, and that is good. I have really enjoyed reading your first couple of chapters and hope to read some more later when my children are quite and in bed.

Grimeon's Pass.

Owen Quinn wrote 1179 days ago

Like this a lot, good gripping writing and a solid well thought out story so why is it not going up? Sometimes this site amazes me when talent is not recognised.

CarolinaAl wrote 1181 days ago

I read your prologue.

General comments: A captivating start to what promises to be an intriguing story. An interesting main character. Good descriptions. Good world building. Excellent tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the prologue:
1) Your opening line hooked me.
2) 'Without a shadow of a doubt' is cliche. Consider writing the same idea, but in a fresh way.
3) ' ... and I feel the happiest I have ever been' is telling. Consider showing this important emotional reaction.
4) "Oh you will not die my little princess Lilith, your vengeance warms my soul ..." Comma after 'die.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas.

I hope this critique will help you polish your all important opening pages. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please look at "Savannah Fire" and let me know how I might improve it?

Have a sensational day.


billysunday wrote 1192 days ago

Very powerful and violent. I like the whole mystery with the snake bite you begin with. Hooked and will continue to read.

Ivan Amberlake wrote 1193 days ago

Dear Deloris!

‘Dark Souls’ is demoniacally inventive and diabolically compulsive. Definitely unputdownable (figuratively, of course), but unfortunately incomplete. Makes me long for the continuation.
‘Dark-Souled’ Ivan.

kylieann wrote 1193 days ago


I read the first few chapters of your book, but i do not have time just yet to leave a proper comment. So i will be back tomorrow to give you my insight =) I will say the first few paragraphs a your prologue gave me chills!


Winterflood wrote 1293 days ago

Well I finally came along with my feedback :)

First of all can I mention the structure of sentences.

I wont go into too much detail about the way the sentences are structured as you said before that you had to sort it out but here is one example from the start that I had a suggestion for.

- The only thing I am aware of is this overwhelming feeling. That this girl, without a shadow of a doubt. Is the kindest and nicest person anyone ever could be, and that everybody loves her, except me.

In this part you break up the ideas too much. You mention a feeling but then break it separate from what the feeling is, when it should all be one statement. You also break the part about “that this girl” away from what she is (kindest and nicest) when they are connected statements. So you say “That this girl” but then you don’t finish the sentence which what is this girl is, so it doesn’t make sense.

So if I was doing it I would make it more like this -

The only thing I am aware of is this overwhelming feeling that this girl, without a shadow of a doubt, is the kindest and nicest person anyone ever could be. And that everybody loves her, except me.

Hope that helps and I think I might have got into detail there :(

Anyway onto the next bit

One confusing bit on the paragraph before last on the Prologue. You say “The men in the village shove my battered body” but it feels like there should be more to this. Where are they shoving your body? How are they shoving your body? for example - The men in the village shove my battered body away like a discarded piece of filth.It seems to be another unfinished statement.

At the start of Chapter 1 you go into a list of what the character looked like, but that is how she used to look like, do we need that list at this point or could it be more naturally incorporated into when she looks in the mirror? Then you can compare the two different looks

This bit near the end of chapter 1 seems to not need both “unhappily” and “sadly” - Keira looked unhappily at the bloodied remains of the woman on the ground. Sadly she remembered that she had never met his wife. – Maybe the sentences could be combined in a better manner.

This bit from the start of chapter 2 seemed wrong

It had been this time a year ago since Lial’s wife had been murdered, but it was so easy to see how the pain still lingered on, in everything he did with his life.

Shouldn’t it be - It had been this time a year ago when Lial’s wife had been murdered – as you are since that would mean something it should have been “It had been a year since Lial’s wife had been murdered,”

Anyway, you give an interesting start to the tale a set up something that looks good. It is just a matter of tightening things up and maybe blending some of the information together more, getting the story across in a smoother manner.

Hope this has helped

Good luck


TuesdaysChild wrote 1316 days ago

If I had more time, I'd read more of this because I find the beginning thoroughly engaging. I want to know what happens next, and my only sorrow is having tons more requests to get through! I am backing you, and will hopefully be back to read the rest soon!

lj reads wrote 1323 days ago

Pretty scary. It's probably something I couldn't read. But, that's not the point. The point is that you got my attention! For a horror I would recommend it as 5 stars!!

Andy M. Potter wrote 1326 days ago

Dear DC, great narrative voice: assured, intelligent, complex. love the short, powerful sentences.
on my shelf.
now, when i like something, i read more carefully, trying to offer some valid critique. no macro quibbles - the pace is spot on - just the odd VERY minor edit.

ch 2:
first sent: "... memories of that day, were ..." - why comma? - maybe "memories of that day were ..."
"little bit apart of the reason" - should "apart" be "a part" ?
"... tugged at her bedcover and ... them..." - them = plural, so maybe make it "bedcovers"

right, nuff picky bs. great story.
best wishes, andy

minx2minx wrote 1338 days ago

Hi Deloris,
Not my type of read but my husband had a read and wants to read a bit
Backed with pleasure.
Lizzie Scott

beegirl wrote 1342 days ago

This is one of the strangest--most orginal stories that I have read in a very long time. I wasn't sure when I started reading if it would be "my sorta" thing. But the writing is so rich, and the story so interesting that I could not help but be drawn in. There were two noticeable difficulties--one is that there are a few typos. With language used so beautifully it seemed a pity that these were allowed to remain. Example: Infected and whatKeria are just two examples from chapter three. A good line by line editor would make short work of these. The second thing was a style issue that you used early on and then seemed to drop. In the first few paragraphs of the book you used short sharp sentences that were sometimes only fragaments. This style disappeared as the story progresses. I would say you should probably remove it from the early paragraphs.
But having said the two issues--I found this a readable, dark but not overly dark tale and I could happily read more.

nsllee wrote 1346 days ago

Hi Deloris

Rocking pitch! A few small things:

I’m disoriented. If she’s in a village in South Africa why is the girl she kills blonde? And why the camels? Is this an alternate reality where South African villagers are white and camels are native to SA?
No full-stop required after “shadow of a doubt”
Hatred “like shadows brought to life” – nice
“the sins which I commit”, not “the sins of which I commit”
“killed her somewhere a little more discreet” or “killed her a little more discreetly”
Omit “everyone stands around me and judges” (telling not showing)
“the man whom I loved”, not “the man who I loved”
The para beginning “I curse them all to hell” – she sounds deranged. Does she really not see that wanting to be free does not give her the right to kill an innocent girl? Or is that the intention, to make her sound deranged?
Are you doing American or British spelling? If American, then “savor”, not “savour”. If British, then “honour”, not “honor”
“like the beating of a drum” – cliché
“icy cold hand brushed across my spine” – cliché
I love the last para of the prologue – really well written.

Overall, I found this very enjoyable. It’s so refreshing to read a book where the heroine isn’t heroic, but is out-and-out evil! Backed.


Vanessa Darnleigh wrote 1350 days ago

The madness of your character is skilfully portrayed in the prologue...there are punctuation issues which need to be addressed but in no way detract from your writing which is excellent...well done!

WJ Stephens wrote 1350 days ago

Well Deloris,

I don't know how detailed I can be for you as this is not my type of read. I would say however, that the first chapter is very good writing and reads much better for me at least than the first person prologue. There, I think many of your sentences are too short. In sentence four of the prologue, should there not be a comma after the word 'doubt', by the way?

I think the prologue would be better writen with 'She' as opposed to I, because the disparity between the prologue and the first chapter does not do it for me, I find it distracting. But I backed you nonetheless. :) Cos I'm easy that way, and your writing is just fine, once you get into chapter one.


(Virtual Crescendo

LN wrote 1352 days ago

Hello Deloris,

Although this is not my usual genre I found the story extremely captivating.
Read the prologue and the first chapter. Nothing to nit-pick really. There are some great descriptions. You have portrayed your character beautifully.


N.Lalit ( Siren )

Tim Andrewartha wrote 1355 days ago

Hi Deloris. I've read the prologue & the first two chapters of Dark Souls. This is my kind of thing. Nice & dark. The prologue gives the back story of Keira well. She's a great character, strong, but with guilt. The descriptions of her killing the demon are good. Interesting Britain with the demons & that they may have actually protected the country from being destroyed. What she finds out from her friend at the end of chapter 2 sounds scary. There are some typos but other than that it's seems well polished. Backed with pleasure. Tim (Vitality)

Craig Ellis wrote 1360 days ago

They say "Never start a book with a dream." But your writing is excellent, and you may get away with it. I like the setting, and the raging jealousy of your MC. You have a definite talent. Backed with pleasure.

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

Miguel Martins de Menezes wrote 1362 days ago

Im Portuguese, my work has been translated from an English native. I do have enjoyed the way you write, i have seen sharp senses on it, mainly about the way you feel, however I'm not good on comments, may be due to my origin, but I'm happy to back you mainly because you are a humble person with a wonderful gift!

You do not have to back me up, unless you do find merit on my work or if you do enjoy it!

Have a good time there,

Best regards,

Katy Christie wrote 1364 days ago

I've only read the prologue but I can feel the intensity of your words; there is an uncanny and exotic quality to your writing. It requires editing, but this has the potential of a very good book. Good Luck.
Katy Christie
No Man No Cry

Steven Rineer wrote 1370 days ago

I think you get the reader hooked from your cover and then your pitch and then the book does not let up...the style, your use of language is stylish, clear and authentic. I hope that you get a chance to get this deserves it. On my shelf, Steven Rineer

chasecarrig wrote 1374 days ago

I seriously connect with this. I'm not just saying/writing that. Your portrayal of female jealousy really clicks. Its true and real. No one likes admitting it, but we've all felt that way about some one. I hope you find a publisher.

I also really like the homage to biblical imagery (being tempted in the desert, the snake, being stoned etc) I really hope you get published as I would buy this, read it and love it.



John Warren-Anderson wrote 1375 days ago

Very interesting, good writing, and it deserves backing. Now for a couple of niggles. In the prologue, which is set in ancient times, you refer to South Africa.
Consider:- 'My pleas for water were answere with the full force of a man's fist.' Less convaluted.
I think by the end of the prologue you've got the reader hooked. But consider dropping the opening paragraphs that explain so much from chapter 1. That information needs to be leaked in by thoughts and dreams as she goes about her day. But that is just my opinion. Good luck with it.

Despinas1 wrote 1379 days ago

Deloris this is an amazing book, the cover alone is intriguing. The story is dark with a character if its own. I have backed it on the strength of your pitch and I will return with further comments once I have invested with respect into the story.
The Last Dream

wannabe1966 wrote 1392 days ago

Thank you for backing my book 'High Mesa', and I will return the favor. You have a very interesting story here, keep up the good work!

lbrammer1992 wrote 1403 days ago

This is a powerful opening chapter to a story which immediately draws the reader in to your intriguing story and allows the reaader to be embroiled in your work. Your use of descriptions holds the reader and the characters only enhance your work. Good luck with it Backed. Could you have a look at my manuscript The Sacred Pool.


SusieGulick wrote 1415 days ago

Dear Delores, I love the adventure of your heroine. :) She's a go-getter for sure - whatever she sets her mind to, she does it diligently. :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your pitch, which was very well done. :) Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book. :) "When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"...authonomy quote. :) Please "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
additional authonomy quote: "Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs." :)

Jodi Louise Nicholls wrote 1423 days ago

Wow Deloris,

What an ominous and dark tale you have. I was impressed by the continuing sense of foreboding you bring to the prose. Having your main character as the antagonist is a great move. It adds tension and interest from the very start. Being inside the head of someone so dark is enlightening. After all, we are all made of of both hate and love to some degree. This is not just a tale of redemption, but more a tale of regret and the deep desire to understand ourselves. Keira is obviously on a journey of self discovery, and the realisation that her actions were not justified. She has a dark past and is looking forward to a brigter future. I think many readers will be able to relate with that, including myself.

I wish you all the best with this one.



Amy R wrote 1424 days ago

The intensity of this was startling and it kept me reading. the use of words in a descriptive vehicle was beautiful. The prologue is what got me and I just kin of floated from there. Plot is fresh and the point of view is mindful and yet deliberate in it's shock value.

Like this ALOT


Amy R

Dead Air / Trust Me

arhuda wrote 1428 days ago

Dear Deloris,

Thanks for backing my book. I read your book and I love the direction of story. Something about your choice of words made it alive, I can feel the hatred, the suspense, and I can't wait to read more.

Thumbs up, this is really great. :)

eloraine wrote 1430 days ago

Loved it, I wish you all the best. E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one

Richardmilton wrote 1430 days ago

Deloris, your prologue made the hairs stand up on the back of my neck! You have imagined a very, very wicked lady and put her into a fascinating situation. I very much like the way you take us straight into the action and keep up the pressure right to the last line of the prologue. Of course, it would be a serpent who whispers into our heroine's ear!! I think you have here all the element of a great supernatural thriller and, more importantly, you have the writing skills to make the most of them. I have great pleasure in backing your book. I have just a couple of tiny suggestions to make. You repeat the word moment in rapid succession in the opening lines. Also I don't think you need to both to explain the village is in South Africa so soon. The fact that it is remote village is enough for the prologue.

Kind regards
Richard Milton

teremoto wrote 1432 days ago

Excellent pace and plotting as we move from a gripping prologue to a first chapter that gives us some of the background an rules - done in an evenly flowing manner which keeps us engaged. Then back into the action in C2, pulling us forward fast and building curiosity. Fluid, vivid writing adds entertainment value.

DMR wrote 1435 days ago

Dark Souls dark, complex stuff - thoroughly intriguing.. I like that you've created an alternate London, and Keira is a mysterious character who fairly jumps off the page (well, the PC screen).. I love the elements of horror and the promise of retribution for Keira's sins.. Backed and best wishes
Good Blood

Robert Mourningstar wrote 1438 days ago

Hello, I have read some of your book. I’m having a hard time reading it. The sentence structure is short and choppy. I can’t follow most of what you are trying to say because you’re feeding me information that I don’t know what you’re talking about. I will take a few sentences and point out what I don’t like.

I will say that after I reading a couple paragraph that it did seem to get a little better.

(Where is your lead in sentence?) In my dreams (you forgot your comma) I am killing (maybe you should tell me how your killing her,strangling) this girl. (What girl, I don’t know her, “this girl” refers to a girl you’ve already told me about, not one you’re going to tell me about) This pretty young (young is kind of what a girl is normally, if she really young you should maybe give some other type of indicator cause young girl sound repetitive, you could always put very young girl) girl (I’m assuming you really meant a young lady instead of young girl) with silky blonde hair, (don’t like the word choice silky in this context) I cannot remember what has happened before this moment. (Again, I don’t know what this moment is).
Examples: I don’t know that this overwhelming feeling is and I don’t know what makes this girl so kind and the nicest person? Maybe, instead of telling me that “you have an overwhelming feeling” and “she is the nicest person”, you should show me.

mja wrote 1444 days ago

Well done, Deloris. You've done a good job in writing this. a very enjoyable read. Backed.
Regards Megan

D.C. Grace wrote 1445 days ago

Hello - I came back to add a little more commentary - every bit helps, right?!
I love how you take us from the Prologue into Chapter 1 with "Thousands of years later." Immediately I know there is something altogether unhuman about this girl, but what I can only imagine. Keira is presented almost as a mercenary for the Demon King - a really unique and original twist on the usual "bad guy" theme, especially when she decides she wants out. Very descriptive and detailed novel, from the sword Keira carries under her trench coat to the weather, it's a very beautifully woven tapestry. I must say that after seeing your picture on your profile, it is especially impressive coming from someone so young! You have my solid backing!
Write On! :)
D.C. Grace
The Sacred Oath

D.C. Grace wrote 1445 days ago

Wow! To hear the story from the villian's side is something we don't see too often. Creepy Prologue, but no matter how jarring it may be to hear the story from such a twisted POV, you read on in the hope she will find redemption.
Write on! :)
D.C. Grace
The Sacred Oath

Word_Hurler wrote 1447 days ago

Whoa, this is a disturbing start. I absolutely must go one to find out if a cold blooded murderer can somehow become endearing to me. It worked for Mr. Brooks, it could work for Keira! Great work!

Case (Revelation)

Mandi Oyster wrote 1447 days ago

I love the way this is written. I'm going to have to find time to read all that you have on here.

Mandi Oyster
Dacia Wolf & the Prophecy

Spiderman wrote 1447 days ago

A great read , a great story, put simply A GREAT BOOK.
Definitely one for the shelf.

Andrew Burans wrote 1448 days ago

A finely crafted, detailed and well written fantasy tale - very dark and gripping at times. Your character development is excellent, especially with Keira as you take us through her changes and your superb use of imagery greatly adds to the strength of your work. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

CarolinaAl wrote 1450 days ago

Your opening line hooked me. Keira rapidly evolves into a sympathetic character. Your descriptions are graphic. For example, your description of Keira in the desert after the stoning. You enrich your lyrical narrative with apt similies such as 'my hatered swirls around her like shadows brought to life.' Your dialogue is effective and relevant. Your world-building is awesome. Your pacing suits my tastes.

1) 'Thunders like the beating of a drum' is cliche.
2) 'The ones that had solid bodies were the one that killed people.' In both cases, 'that' should be 'who.'

This is a gripping paranormal. Backed.

CraigD wrote 1452 days ago

This is a gripping tale you've got going, and you give it a nice exotic feel. The word "I" really dominates the prologue, so you might want to do some rewrite on that. But the story moves along well. I'm happy to back this for you.
The Job

E. Yazykova wrote 1452 days ago

Well written and disturbing, what more can one ask for? ;) backed.

Kit Matthews wrote 1453 days ago

A deeply dark opening, plunging me right into the mood of the book.
The writing has a lovely, unusual cadence to it, transporting me to the world of your MC. The story was whispered in my ear by her, and I got chills.
This has a dream-like quality to it, or maybe that should be a nightmare? A beautiful one, though.
Keira in the present is a cool character, with a touch of Anita Blake about her that I really liked. Nothing like a strong female lead :)
Happily backed, with a little polishing this will be awesome.
Kit Matthews (Insight)