The Deadliest Sin

I came across your book Jason and thought the pitch sounded very interesting. I've watchlisted it and will comment further after I've read a few chapters.

Clive
The Pyramid Legacy

Take a look at the beginning of chapter 22 in my book for a description of the problem of being over weight.

This is a fascinating read, i love the authors note at the beginning because you are so right!

This has a sublime plot, and i like a thriller thqat jumos all over the place, it all adds to the suspense, and the building tension within the book. It takes time to build the tension, but this is a surefire way to do it immediately, especially as events take place over a number of years.

Absolutely top drawer read, I wouldnt just back it i would buy it !

Clair
Left Behind

THE DEADLIEST SIN:

Jason,

Your pitch has all the ingredients of an exciting thriller and has some unique concepts which make this a novel that will have wide appeal.

Your writing is smooth and well constructed, with crisp, realistic dialogue, and the book has great potential in today's thriller market.

Backed.
Sheila (Pinpoint)

A vast political spectrum of world leaders is introduced using news headlines to report physical problems, the inference being the problems stem from excessive weight. This reader becomes aware of a complex plot being developed, yet--because of the "Author's Note," of a page in length, reporting the problems of obese people all over the world mostly due to ingestion of fast foods, the storyline presents no immediate or direct tie with the morbid statistics reported in "Author's Note." The expectation of a plot development based around overweight persons did not immediately materialize. Instead, the first introduction of a character's physical description uses generalized parameters, for example: "He was what most people would call average; average height, average build and average looks." These observations of course are only my comments, but using "average" to describe a character's appearance when a major point was made concerning the large number of obese persons in the world during the time-frame of the novel seems like a disconnect. I think the work has great potential. Backed. Chuck (Paperboy Adventures)

Jason, your Author's Note and format of Chapter One add credibility to this story. Good work. I have only one minor nitpick. Under the Author's Note I would slightly modify the opening sentence to read: The world has approximately 1.6 billion overweight people.

Happy to back this.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Hullo Jason. Whereas, I read in your responses notes indicating that some did not get the basic idea about your book, I do. Obama's idea of disarming the USA for the favor of itself is a mistake that the citizens will not make. We stand ready to make sure that something like this does not happen. Great book for serious readers. Already shelved and backed. Please take a look at mine.


Linda Lou Long
Southern dis-Comfort
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=11421

The idea of this story is promising but I found it took a long time to get to the actual story. I only read one chapter of that, but it felt like all telling. I couldn't get into the story. There wasn't enough going on for me. is there any way you can show this stuff happening? Let me know if you make any changes and I'll take a second look. Of course, if you disagree, ignore me!
xBeccaX
Tjhe First Phoenix

Hi Jason
This has the makings of a good thriller - shelved

I read the first four chapters and thought they were fascinating. You have a novel take on how the world will develop and Jack is a fun MC

Spotted one technical nitpick:
#2 German Prime Minister - should be - German Chancellor

Good luck with this

John Booth (Shaddowdon)

Very interesting read, and very well written, backed with pleasure. Mick.

excellent job...not sure I can add to what has already been said.

If it were published, it would be on my night stand.

Backed!

(Nigel Hotton - Fatal Disclosure)

Gotta agree with Simon on your book. SHELVED!

I can use your comments on my book when you get a chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

I love these futuristic, what ifs! This is no let down! Great writing, fast paced and thrilling! Good work buddy!
Simon

Jason, Your pitches are strong and compelling, more than enough to persuade a potential reader that this book is worth looking at. I've read four chapters and would have happily read more if time had allowed. Realistic dialogue and all the elements of a fast-paced thriller are in place.
Backed.
Jared.

Jason,
This is a fantastic piece of work considering that you are just 'starting out'! The subject is topical and very interesting and your style shows great promise. Characters are wonderfully believable and live! I want to read on to the next chapters.
I backed this book because it has potential, carry on writing (oooh Matron!!).
I have noticed it on shelves around Authonomy World on my 'tours' long may that continue.
All the best for 2010,
Cheers,
Bruce
Lockerbie's Deception

An exciting concept, which you develop well. The opening chapters are full of background information, but you manage to make this interesting enough to carry us along. Zander is the first of your characters to actually speak, and you immediately prove your skill in the use of dialogue, for he has an individual voice which produces an excellent understanding of him at once. Might you consider making Jack and/or Charlie speak at least a little? But this is just a suggestion, for we already know them quite well from what you have told us. I would expect this to develop into a gripping and compelling story, on the John Grisham/ Jeffrey Archer lines of fact based excitement. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Great pitch, excellent setting for a book. The details unfold very well, and one can be drawn into the story with little difficulty. On my shelf.

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

This is a great Idea. The writing is also wonderful.
Jack is a character that is well thought out. I can tell because you have every detail about him figured out.
The first chapter has no narrative. That caught my eye and there were some long paragraphs that could have been cut down or broken up.
The opening is great, even without the interaction and narrative.
Your pitch did a thorough job of allowing the reader into what is going to be happening within the book without giving it all away. That is a feat all in itself as I find a lot of people over tell in their pitches and ruin some of the good stuff that is to come.
Read three chapters and found myself thoroughly drawn in.
Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

Jason
Happy New Year !
Your family are right......Your writing is brilliant.......

First of all, I want to let you know that I'm going on a diet, not today, because you cant possibly start a diet on a day that isn't a Monday.......And because I've still got a big box of Roses to finish....but your iintro certainly made me think....

The polititians dropping dead was a hail of bullets opening which really had my eyes dancing over the page....

Jack....Well I have never had a clearer profile in my minds eye of a character.....right down to the Dove soap....I usually like to be able to offer advice.....or failing that, slag you off......But quite honestly all I can say here is congratulations....

Shelved with pleasure....

Interesting and thought-provoking read.

Shelved of course.

Melxx
Impeding Justice

This is a mind-boggling view of the future, in which you have skilfully thought out all the social, political and financial implications of the new world order, all the way down to its effect on ordinary people. It's highly imginative, beautifully written and a compelling read. The dialogue sections really sparkle, and drive the plot onwards. You write in a tight, measured way, winding up the tension page by page. Take care to give it a thorough edit, re-writing some parts which you find might flow better with fewer words, and then you will have a winner on your hands. Good luck. Backed! Tony.

Hi Jason!

Nice start to a thriller that has a very unique, fresh feeling about it! Love the name Zander - that was the first note I made as I read the pitch. Your pitch is really well written - it introduces the main characters well and gives a good overview of the plotline. Love how you end the pitch with questions - it's a great way to engage the reader, draw them in! The one thing that stood out to me in the pitch (and this is true as I read further into the book) was your use of world/World. IMO, it does not need the cap - but you use it both ways. Whatever you decide, be consistent about it.

On to the inside... Love the facts under the author note - great stats, lends an air of credibility right off the bat. Made some notes/nits as I read through...

-Paragraph 1 - "one third" needs a hyphen (one-third) since it's a fraction; also 14 and 8 I would spell out (fourteen, eight) - there are so many rules to this, and it boils down to style... But my rule of thumb is anything under twenty and anything that doesn't need a hyphen I automatically spell out. Your call on that one.
-Paragraph 2 - "one in 3" (spell out three); there's another 3 in paragraph 3 as well
-Paragraph 5 - worlds needs an apostrophe (world's) since it's possessive

Chapter one...
-Paragraph 4 - George Bush Jnr - at first I paused at your abbreviation for junior, then as I thought about it more, he is really referred as George W. Bush, since he's not actually a junior (Dad's middle name is different)
-Paragraph 5 - I'd spell out 15
-Paragraph 8 - "18 year old" needs hyphens

Chapter two...
-Paragraph 1 - "10 years of living" - spell out ten
-Paragraphs 3, 4, 5, 9 and the second to last P - all need end punctuation
-Paragraph 9 - No cap on "Yes" (doesn't start the sentence)
-Paragraphs 16 and the last P - spell out numerals

Again the numerals thing is a style call on your part. As I cruised through some of the other chapters, I do think you need to do a punctuation edit - speficially for end punctuation. Overall, I think this is starting out to be a gripping thriller! The switching POV kept my mind fresh as I went back and forth. There's a lot of promise here, huge audience potential. Backed with pleasure!

Kim
Invisible Justice

Not my usual genre, but I saw it on other peoples shelves and thought I'd check it out. So far, this is good, very good. Its really straight into the action and with lots of tension being built. Nice.
Backed.
Leigh Fallon
The Carrier of the Mark

Hi Jason, Very interesting futuristic political thriller, that many would be too afraid to write. I can't hardly stop to leave you this comment. I will save for further reading, love the pace, the interest in each chapter. Can't wait to get back to the man with the special find in the Vietnamese jungle. If you would have a look at The Cats Who've Come To Stay. (not quite what you might think, a Rocky Mountains story.) Thank you RobynAnne

Perfect pace for a thriller, short, punchy chapters, this should do well. btw I thought pride was the deadliest sin (?) Backed.

The Deadliest Sin

Hi Jason

I noted your like of Dan Brown and we have to take our hat off to him, because he has managed to tap into the international zeitgeist and ride that wave. He writes screenplays basically in book form and this is what we have here from you, confident, yet not cocky, descriptive and it tells us, as much as shows, a tense, terse, fast-paced piece of thriller writing. This is writing that does exactly what it says on the tin and it breaks the rules of aesthetics and it is not poetic or elegaic, but it is functional, pacy, intriguing and a real page-turner. You have a formula here, individual to you, thought through and impressive. A great book for the popular market, story to the fore, great short, punchy and engaging chapters. Will be backing this soon, best wishes and good luck

Andrew W
(Sanctuary's Loss)

No such thing as a "tirade" of obstacles? A tirade is a verbal attack. Read to ch 4, and found it very much in the mould of Dan Brown. If you sustain this for 75-100,000 words, and keep the tension going, I can see it getting published.
Frank

I have backed your work, it has such enormous potential, yet Imo you need to break down the technical info slightly.

it is necessary but many readers will be put off right from the beginning. Perhaps including the info in the storyline itself will assist. This is of course your baby and I have backed it happily. My opinion is simply that...you must go with your gut instincts .

Suzannah Burke
Dudes Down Under

really good ffrom what i've read - and I'm only a reader so don't really have any technical advice

good luck

backed

kev

Jason,

Your pitches have all the elements of a top shelf thriller, but when I read your chapters I felt like I was reading a completely different book.

Given that the story takes place in the future, seems to me it should be pitched as a fantasy. If you will consider some editing to get rid of all the superfluous info dumps and just tell the story, I think this novel has potential. There are several places where numbers should be spelled out.

I'm giving you a spin on my shelf for now.

Rodney

Great title, interesting set-up... reading more. Backed for now.
Frank