Trankarri - The Boy with the Magical Pen

YOur book pulled me in and soon I was lost in your world. Great read!

Christopher...I give you six stars for proving the pen is oh, so mighty. Especially combined with an imagination like yours. As children fall in love with reading, they are transported into the books, envisioning being a part of it. You, sir, have taken it a step further. I'll bet your children love when you tell them bedtime stories!

Wonderful body of work!
Blessings to you and yours...
Linda

Where were you and this story when I was a teenager!? Great imagination food....excuse me, revegination. I cannot think of a thing to add, except maybe a few commas and punctuation here and there. Well rounded and plenty of dream candy to dine on, a delightful feast before departing on a fantastic fantasy voyage. Excellent job and three thumbs up, Peter B.

Interesting concept. Reminds me of Inkheart. But in reverse I guess. Good story, you write well. Not very exciting, but I think it would hold the attention of a reader in the age group you write for. I don't understand the need for the abusive scenes at the start of the book. They showed bully, they should him acting out because he was bullied and then they showed that being bullied made him retreat to home. Not a good picture for kids.

Good job.

Abby

Hi Christopher,

You have a delicate and well constructed writing technique, which helps along a lot of the intrigue and excitement as your story begins to unfold. Your story too is fantastically magical! I can see you have not been afraid to push the boundaries... but I did feel as if I, children too, needed more history to the story (what happened before - though you do touch on this relatively well). Otherwise, this is a very intricate and fantastic story that should entertain children even more so than me!
Very good.

Sincerely,

This is very well constructed, well thought through and well written. Altogether a delightful story.
Well done! Philip John

There is much to learn from you. You put the craft in craftsmanship. You are my guide to craft a great story

"What happened to the king?" The words flow like fluid thereafter

high stars

I'll dive into this book by tomorrow

This is well written, and I think will be well received by children. You get things rolling with a scene I think kids can envision, and a fortress which, if they haven't built something similar themselves, I expect they'd have fun envisioning. The conflict with bullies will resonate as well, and I'm glad to see you had them call the cops rather than think he had to solve this all on his own -- even though it did end up requiring some fighting.
Critique-wise, I would have liked to get to the magic pen more quickly, as its such a powerful hook. There were a couple technical things I think you could do that would be relatively easy and be well worth it:
1. When he's thinking to himself, or even speaking to himself, drop the quote marks and put the words in italics. That'll make it easier to distinguish those comments from when he's actually talking to someone else.
2. Look for creative ways around saying "he said" every time someone speaks. It'll streamline the storytelling a little. Examples:
Instead of saying "he pretended" and "he continued" you could say "He held an invisible prisoner by the collar, then spun around to deliver his response in a much deeper voice.
Instead of "the leader said" you could write, "The leader glared down at him.
I hope that helps. Good overall storytelling otherwise!
Best of luck with this.
If you are so inclined, please do come visit the Lost Wink. http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

this reads so well. which is good for me.
i was grabbed by the warm close feelings from the old man, the boy. from the start.
i could almost picture 'papa'. if you dont publish, there is no justice.

Pen and Ink
The premise for this story is very engaging and, being an artist myself, I'm drawn to it. (pardon the pun).

Good characterization and warm feeling right away.

Mechanics: it's a good idea to have it edited as there are a number of mechanical issues.

POV, 3rd person, multiple. There are a number of times the POV shifts even within paragraphs. Remember, when in a character's POV, that character is not able to see his / her own eyes or reflection in their eyes.

You have marvelous imagery and atmosphere in this story. It shows a good deal of promise and with some deep editing, will be an excellent novel. I think it will be well liked.

Remember, the mechanics are something you can learn. Talent is something that you need to develop. Some never have talent. IMO, you have the talent it takes to be a wonderful author.

Raechel
Echo

good start and set up for this book. engaging and interesting...l am a fan of this genre so l am bias;- on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

Okay, before anything else a disclaimer: I know how hard you worked on this, how important it is to you, and how much of yourself is invested in the writing. As with all of us, our writing is an extension of ourselves. I say this because I'm about to hit you with a 2 x 4. But you also need to understand that I am not talking about you, your potential, or even the story. And I will try to make it a gentle blow ;–)

Visualize, if you will, two storytellers. Their stories are very different, but the first line of both are identical: “Susan loved her mother.”

The first speaker looks at the audience, his expression sincere and his voice warm. He extends a hand, as though presenting the reader with a gift as he says, “Susan loved her mother.” And having said that a mood has been created. We know that Susan, indeed loved her mother, and this directly relates to the story.

Our second storyteller is quite different. This one is leaning backwards a bit, arms crossed and wearing a smirk. He looks down his nose at the audience, and gives a small dismissive grunt before he begins, and says, “Susan loved her mother.” As he finishes he rolls his eyes. And as he speaks the line he extends the word, “loved” in a derogatory way.

Two storytellers; two very different stories; one identical opening.

Now, here's the problem I pose to you: I want you to read my new novel. It begins, “Susan loved her mother.” How will you read it? Sarcastically? Sincerely? As I actually intended it to be read? See the problem? If I give you something made for a storyteller you can't guess at how the line was meant to be read until after you've read it.

Another example: “Nelson, you are a bastard,” Randy said.

How do you read that? As high praise? Deadly insult? A DNA report? There is no way to tell. But, were it a live performance you would know how the line was read even were you blind, because of the emotion in the voice. You would know even were you deaf, because of the emotion on the face of the performer.

The weakness in placing the story on the page is that you cannot present a transcript of yourself telling the story because you’re not there to read it. If you do that the reader isn’t hearing the story, they're trying to imitate your performance, and doing that without knowing the story, your style, or even what the line they're about to read says. See the problem? Every communications medium has strengths and weaknesses. That means that the craft for that medium is centered on maximizing the strengths and working around the weaknesses.

The problem with your story is that you know it too well. You know everything about it. You know the characters and their moods. So, when you read you can hear your own voice, inflected as it would be in a theater. It's filled with emotion. It has little hesitations, warmth at the proper times, and it’s sarcastic where that's necessary. You literally change your expressions as you read, to those appropriate for telling a given the story. But what about a reader? How do I guess at how to play you, when I know neither you nor the story?

And that, is my 2 x 4.

Look at your first line: “Nathaniel had always been a pretty good artist.” To you this has meaning. You know who Nathaniel is, and everything about him. But what can the line mean to me? I don't know what a “pretty good artist” is. If we're talking about a shoe salesman whose hobby is watercolors that's different from saying it about someone who makes their living by painting oils. Which is it?

Now look at the second line from readers POV: “However, something happened that normally doesn’t occur or shouldn’t occur that caused him to walk off the dirt road of normalcy and ambiguity, and up to the grand highway of greatness and influence.” I don't know who Nathaniel is, how old he is, where and when he lived, or even the smallest thing about him. So when you tell me, “something happened,” it's literally meaningless. And when you add to that that it’s something normally doesn't happen, what can it mean? You might say that I should read on to find out. Unfortunately because I know nothing meaningful, you're in the position of saying, “something unknown happened to someone unknown and it shouldn't have happened. Aren't you anxious to know more?” Would you be if you knew nothing about either the story of the storyteller?

I'm sorry, I take no pleasure in doing this, but at the moment you’re writing exactly as you've been trained to write. You’re telling your story in author centric way, with the fact following fact. But when we read fiction we're not looking for facts, and events. We're looking for the character’s response to the events—the struggle, not the cause of the struggle. As a reader you want someone to worry over. You want to feel like you’re part of the story, as if you have a role in it. When a knife is thrown you want to feel like you should duck.

The short version: you need to fill your toolbox with those bright shiny tools that the professionals use. They're not hard to learn, though they are difficult to perfect. After all, you can learn the rules of chess in a few minutes, but to play well? That takes a great deal of time, and practice.

If you want to know what a reader gets as they look at your work here's an experiment to try: select a friend, one who has no acting experience, and ask them to read a page or two to you. Don't tell them what it is, or even who wrote it. It will be an eye opening experience, but not an easy one, I'm afraid. An alternative is to read the work in a flat voice, one sentence at a time. Then you’ll see what emotion is inherent to the wording and what you place in it as you read.

A good place to start is with this article:

http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.php

It explains one way of involving your reader. It's very different from the approach you're using, and old habits will make it hard to become proficient with it. But it will do wonders towards making your writing involved rather than just inform your reader. And if the article makes sense you want to pick up one of two books. The first is the book suggested in the article, written by Dwight Swain. It's the best I've found. It is however a dense book, written at the university level. Some people find it a dry read. Another book GMC: Goal Motivation and Conflict, by Debora Dixon, is a very close second. It doesn't go into quite the detail, but it is a warmer read.

Not great news I'm afraid, and for that I'm sorry. I've been there, and I know how a critique like this feels. The good news is that for all we know once you learn those techniques and begin writing like a professional who knows how far you'll go?

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein

Hi Christopher,
I've just finished reading. I read to the end of chapter 3 and really enjoyed it. You've got a great imagination and a brilliant idea for a children's book. You write well too. Just a few things that might help:
I may have missed it, but I didn't find out Nathaniel's age until chapter 2/3. If this is the case you need to establish his age earlier on in the story.
Also, frig in chapter 3. Shouldn't that be fridge?
At the end of chapter 3 when he lays in bed with his drawing in the wardrobe, you've put that he is 'slightly terrified'. That doesn't make sense. You can't be slightly terrified. You either are or you aren't.
The scene with the evil crow is good. You could make it much better if you used short, sharp sentences. The sentence beginning with, 'suddenly his wings stopped flapping...' is too long and awkward with too many 'and's. Break it down and it will have much more impact.
This is just the type of story I would have loved as a child (I'm loving it now too!). I think at the beginning, though, to keep a young reader drawn in, you could cut down on the large chunks of description. All the food and bustling round preparing dinner is very well done but I think a Middle Grader may lose interest.
I see you've got the whole book on here so I look forward to carrying on until I reach the end. Hope it is as exciting as the beginning!
I would be really grateful if you could find the time to look at mine :) Thankyou. Becky.

Hi thanks for the comment. I am shooting for upper middle grade audience. It is more of an American story than British, for the main character lives in Boston they just visit Somerset for the holidays and the rest of the family is from other parts of America, hence the sweet potatoes because the Americans like it.

Christopher
The idea is a really good one - well done. I liked your writing and the attention to detail. It felt like a story for 10 + readers. If this is the case then the story needs to maintain a fast pace. I loved all the christmas food but you lost pace here. Be ruthless with your editing! Also, try finishing your chapters at a point where the young reader will be desperate to move on to the next one.
There is much to like about your story.
I wish you lots of luck with it. Backed with pleasure.
Kim

P.s. Sweet potato isn't a very british thing to eat. I live in somerset by the way!

Christopher
The idea is a really good one - well done. I liked your writing and the attention to detail. It felt like a story for 10 + readers. If this is the case then the story needs to maintain a fast pace. I loved all the christmas food but you lost pace here. Be ruthless with your editing! Also, try finishing your chapters at a point where the young reader will be desperate to move on to the next one.
There is much to like about your story.
I wish you lots of luck with it. Backed with pleasure.
Kim

P.s. Sweet potato isn't a very british thing to eat. I live in somerset by the way!

Thanks John for commenting and backing. I'm glad you like the first part. I'm sure you would enjoy the rest of the story. Thanks for the stars also.
Christopher

Christopher,
I have found that Lucy Leid is a top-notch critic, helpful, and usually spot on. However, being an adult without children, I thoroughly enjoyed your first three chapters. The concept of conquering the unclean picture as mentioned in the pitch is refreshing. The whole feel of Pen and Ink so far is good and cozy, with adventure in the making. I settled in with the descriptions of the manor house. I liked the last line of chapter one. I'm sure you will handle the language appropriately for the ages you aim for and feel confident about rating this with 6 stars.
Best,
John B Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)

Christopher,
I have found that Lucy Leid is a top-notch critic, helpful, and usually spot on. However, being an adult without children, I thoroughly enjoyed your first three chapters. The concept of conquering the unclean picture as mentioned in the pitch is refreshing. The whole feel of Pen and Ink so far is good and cozy, with adventure in the making. I settled in with the descriptions of the manor house. I liked the last line of chapter one. I'm sure you will handle the language appropriately for the ages you aim for and feel confident about rating this with 6 stars.
Best,
John B Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)

I meant to save this for later (it's on my watchlist), but I can seem to muster up the energy to actually go to bed so I read the first chapter.
Cons: Your pitch (long and short) could be A LOT more exciting. I recommend one of the many threads on here where others generously review your pitch. I thought mine was squeaky clean and came out of that thread with a completely different pitch. Your narrative voice is consistent (a good thing!) but very storyteller-ish (which is also a good thing) however I put this in the 'con' section because you've coupled it with mature language. No, I don't mean swearing. Just mature language. That's where it reaches a disconnect for me. Having kids, you probably read tons of stories to them, but reading other books in the genre you hope to write in may shed some light on what I'm talking about - I had to learn this lesson the hard way and rewrite half my book! Also, when a character asks himself something (thinks), it's in italics, not quotes. Just a heads up.
Pros: Very good story. Placed correctly, you should definitely find a market. It's familiar yet original enough to be captivating.

Rated 4. Will back when there's room on the shelf.

Ink World - Not sure what target audience the author has in mind for his book as the language is rather mature for young readers.
Chapter 1: Some lovely descriptions, the manor house for one and the atmosphere created, once young children have gone to bed, sums up many peoples ideal for a family Christmas. The first chapters read have an old fashion feel to them that is appealing although there is a great deal more 'tell' than 'show'. As the story is being narrated it might be an idea to let readers know who is telling the story and what their connection is to Nathaniel. The dominant character in this chapter is PaPa, a likable character with a hint of knowing something other don't about him, which piques curiosity and will draw readers further into the book to find out what that 'something' is. PaPa's relationship with his grandson is observed and described well as is the dialogue between them.
Chapter 2: The author has injected atmospheric excitement into the passage where Nathaniel uses the pen for the first time. His wonder at lines he draws onto a blank page comes across very well. It would have been easy to go over the top in this passage but the author, in my opinion, has found the right balance, not too much - not too little. And plenty of mystery for Nathaniel to discover, which should carry readers between the ages of 10-14? along on adventures yet to come.

Nanty - Chrys!

Not what I would usually read but your pitch did its job (it grabbed me).
Wife called me to bed (wink) so I only finished the first chapter.
I think that kids will love this fantasy. It’s well written, the narration a little short on “showing” bit the “telling” does its job.
I particularly like your dialogue…it move the story forward, gives it a good pace, sounds real and most of all is in character. Great job.
I’m backing it on the strength of your voice. Good luck.
Dan
PS. Could you pls look at mine? Comment and backing will be appreciated.

What a wonderful fantasy. Tremendous attention to important details. Illuminating visuals. An engaging balance of dialogue and narrative. Fantastic, well-etched characters. Believable, spontaneous action. Your storyline held my attention from the start. Only one nit: "Do you like pen and ink Nathaniel?" Comma after 'ink.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases of this type of problem. Other than that, this is admirable writing. A seductive read. Backed.

Nathanael’s story is an uplifting one and the relationship he has with his PaPa endearing. He so wants to please his PaPa and produce a masterpiece. This is a lovely story for children to get lost in. It has a mild educational ribbon running through it and I hope you inspire some budding talent.
Wilma1
Knowing Liam Riley – I hope you can spare a moment to take a look

Well worth backing
Abel Kane
The Alchemists' Cookbook

Christopher how brilliant. The cover is what first grabs me and your did then the pitch, which was captivating. Your book is very well crafted and though I have not read it all the characters are in my head and vividly acting out heir plot. You have a skillful way with words and phrases and have BACKED THIS BOOK for sure. I know it is a different genre but ...If you would review 'The Letter' and give your 'comments' and 'backing', I would appreciate it. and BEST of luck.

Denise
The Letter

Nice tone to your writing, and excellent eye for detail in your descriptions. Happy to back this for you.
Please consider taking a look at my book, The Job.
Craig

Although this is not my genre it is well written with good dialogue. You might want to try a change of font, as Times Roman is not the easiest to read off screen. Backed with pleasure in the meantime. Colin

This is the second time I've read and backed. Here in 8 you continue to intrigue your young reader and invite him into unknown worlds. Intelligent children will enjoy this.

Would be v glad of your attention to Good For Him
Thanks
Rosalind

Papa Edwin's fine country house is captured in some very fine description and has so much to offer for inquisitive children to explore on those 20 acres, and so already your younger reader will share in that treat from the beginning.
'Do you see how the fire dances and makes its own melody?' Papa asks the gifted artist who is his grandson and, in that question, we can see how the eye of an artist has been passed down two generations.
The magic pen, mentioned with such gravity by his trusted grandfather, seamlessly launches the fantasy element.
'The next day would come fast for Nathaniel. The women were in the kitchen...' These two sentences show your craft in moving a scene and a time without a scene break but at the twist of a sentence so achieving a huge saving in drag and advancing to the focus of the storyline.
In the two choices which Nathaniel contemplates, you provoke the thought not only of children but also we adults and I think your first chapter is refreshing in that it suggests a morally uplifting book for young readers in a world where so many books, selling in millions, do precisely the opposite - no names mentioned!

Shelved.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

A delightful and heartwarming fantasy for children and Nathaniel is endearing as your lead character. Your story is finely crafted, well paced and well written. Your use of imagery is superb and your book is sure to capture the hearts and imaginations of children everywhere. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

This is a wonderful concept and tale!
Backed with pleasure! Good Luck!!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of Sicilian Shadows) for a further read and possible backing of your book.

this is the second fantastic childrens book I have read in the last hour. I am so pleased, there are just not enough on the site. What can I say? Well, I loved the premise, thoroughly enjoyed your prose - it was tight, succinct, eminently readable and perfect for your target audience. nathaniel is a great character and I found this a joy. I would happily buy this.
carl
The Time hunters

Your description of Christmas dinner made me hungry. To paraphrase your hero, I'll be back right after I eat.
Backed earlier with pleasure, and will be read off and on for fun . . .
Marianne (Saint Paddy and the Sundial)

Hi Christopher,

What an amazing idea for a Fantasy adventure...ingenious really. Your imagination has created a wonderful world of adventure that will carry the readers mind away from the real world, which is exactly what a good fantasy tale is supposed to achieve. Nathaniel is a loveable character that will appeal to readers of many various ages. The dialogue is realistic and helps move the story along nicely. Overall, this is a most impressive bit of work, and I'm happy to support it.

Backed 100%

Patrick Armstead
Dark Lands

It's true: "let our imagination influence the world or we can let the world influence our imagination." Simply, I love this. Backed with pleasure. I wish you the best of luck with this. I'll be back to read the complete work.

I like lots of things about this book and can imagine curling up happily before the fire with it when a child.
However, it's in Somerset where I have and still sometimes live. Are we in the forties? Neither small nor large houses there even now have dens. They may have attics with billiards tables or even billiards rooms, they probably had then large playrooms which would equate to your dens. We don't say 'check it out' or 'what do you know?' It would be 'have a look' and 'Guess what?'
Nit picking to be helpful as I love the premise and would enjoy delving in the see what the magic pencil brings.
Rosalind
Good For Him (a tale set in Wandsworth and Somerset in the forties).

I think this is fantastic. The dialogue is superb, and your overall tone is beyond criticism. Absolutely great work.

Abi xxx
"Everyone knows the rule: Stay inside the Wall, but Tisha believes rules are made to be broken." - Relic

Good read! I wondered about some of the dialogue at times, but this is a difficult balance when writing for this audience.

Lockjaw

This is a good story. I think schoolagers will relate to the ability to walk into a picture and discover an alternative world. You can write a sequel about walking into a computer if pens and ink become obsolete. Seriously, you've done a good job with this. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Pen and Ink

Once I got past the British, Cockney rhyming slang, I really got into this book.
I think the concept behind this is very, very good.
Your style of writing has a great family feel to it; essential for the market you’re aiming for. I like how you drop in positive values and manners into the narrative and who wouldn’t want a PaPa and a pen like that. This is a very cleverly written story.

HI Christopher, I really like this story, brilliant imagination in this. I love the idea of the magic pen. You describe the grandfather house really well so it feels like a magical place where everyone is happy. Boys night is a great idea and the respect they all have for the grandfather really comes across. I love the pen and the warning his grandfather gives him when handing it over. Really good adventure in this and the promise of great things to come. I read from your blurb this is one of seven, thats some achievement. Well done I can only imagine they are al as well written and adventurous as this. On my shelf. Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

Christopher, I read your first chapter. Smooth read. Only nit is your lack of commas before names and titles in dialogue. Eg, "Do you like pen and ink (comma needed here) Nathaniel?" I hope this helps.

Happy to back the potential of your story.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Wow - I want THAT pen. What an awesome and innovative idea. Both of the pitches sold this story to me and I'm glad I came across this one. Think you could do very well not only with the book but the inevitable movie. SHELVED!

I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key
Authonomy's #1 rated commentator

What a great concept. What a great sory, a pen that creates the reality from the artists imagination.

What a wonderful grandfather, too, encouraging the boy to pursue his gift, instead of becoming an accountant.
I wish my family were so supportive.

Backing

Ok... you have a great premise. Reading the pitch made me think of the old Aha video for Take On Me. I'm old, I can remember it, you look a lot younger you might not have a clue what I'm going on about!

So I started reading. I do like the voice, but I couldn't quite decide for me as a reader, if there was too much description at the beginning, the house, the grounds etc... on the other hand, it did paint a very full picture and I could really see the house and the surroundings.

It did set the scene very well for Papa and Nathaniel though... so on balance I think it works.

I do think this is a great idea for a novel...and while Children's and YA isn't my area I could see this as making a great disney movie.

Backing whether you back me or not because it deserves it.

Lorri

Wow you have an incredible imagination - such a gift! Although fantasy is not my favorite genre I absolutely love this story and I am so glad I gave a it a look! My son (15) who is hovering over my shoulder while we both read this says "You Rule" which is a huge compliment because he has liked all of about 5 books on this site over the past year and he is an voracious reader. Anyway, you have wonderful descriptive prose and your pacing is superb! BACKED with pleasure!

Liz
The Cheech Room

it just starts with what we all like to read, great writing style. Pen and Ink, it is just perfect. keep writing you are a different writer. backed

shah

This is pretty damn fine.

paPa the head of the family gathers the family each Christmas. He gives Nathaniel, a talented artist, a pen...a magic pen?

Between the lines we can see this a morality tale, a tale about fulfilling your potential. Nurturing your gifts. If I have one thing to offer by way of advice, it's to try to end your chapter with more of a question. If you give the reader a too easy opportunity to put the book down (even if he/she means to "definitely come back after I eat"), they may never do so.

Never let the reader go!

Nick
"Mirror In The Sky

Backed January 24.

Jesse - Savant

Hi Christopher,
I read your opening chapters yesterday and came back for more this morning.
I would suggest that this book crosses from children to YA as well.
The writing is great and the concept is fantastic, it will really capture the imagination of young minds.
Keep up the writing there is a great talent for storytelling there.
Very best wishes
Dawn : ARK