Book Jacket


rank 2367
word count 103041
date submitted 05.01.2010
date updated 03.12.2011
genres: Fiction, Romance, Science Fiction, ...
classification: moderate

Time Squared

Karen Eisenbrey

It's the 23rd century. Kelvin Gunner can be in two places at once. But SHOULD she?


Dr. Kelvin Gunner, Professor of Applied Chronology, can be in two places at once. Or she will be able to, once she completes testing of the Square Hour device. Just as testing reveals a dangerous flaw in the technology, the prototype is stolen by a wealthy philanthropist who has secret, dark plans for the device.

Kelvin is a hard-working academic with few human ties. Due to a case of mistaken identity, she becomes involved with a mild-mannered music professor who leads her to the father she never knew and the brother she didn't know she had. The self-reliant Dr. Gunner must learn to trust these unlikely allies in order to retrieve her work, prevent disaster, and bring the bad guy to justice. But who is the real bad guy? And does the Professor of Applied Chronology have time for love?

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Andrew Burans wrote 1298 days ago

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Kelvin. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing makes your science fiction novel a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Walden Carrington wrote 1241 days ago

Time Squared has such an original concept for a novel. I read the first chapter and found the descriptions vivid and the dialogue sharp and realistic. I've rated it with six stars and placed it on my watchlist.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

JupiterGirl wrote 1068 days ago

Hi Karen, I concur with the other reviews; fabulous premise! A writer has such a wide berth when it comes to time travel. So far I like where you're taking the concept. Your writing is solid and your character, Kelvin Gunner, is shaping up to be a smart, gutsy, woman we all can climb on board with. Shelved and I look forward to reading more. If I was to give any advice at all I'd streamline the opening paragraphs a tad as they read a bit wordy. Best of luck. JupiterGirl (Twins of the Astral Plane)

Sebnem wrote 11 days ago

Time Squared
Karen Eisenbrey

Review Chapters 1-3

Dr Kelvin Gunner, the name sounds like man’s, but she a professor of Applied Chronology at the Institute of Technology in the 23rd century.

Karen Eisenbrey creates a world where there are no clothes and people change their outfits by using holograms. They are very imaginative with their outfits and the rich and the powerful have the most interesting ones.

Kelvin works on a Time Machine at the new Annex of Chronology, and as the head of this division, she’s hosting the launch party funded by the investors.

Her meeting Newton Helie, a music professor, invited due to a mistaken identity instead of the famous astrophysicist Nelson Healey, brings some excitement to an otherwise dull evening for Kelvin.

“Chrono or bio?” I suppose means chronologically or biologically, when it refers to the birth date, chrono might have a time elapse situation, whereas bio might mean normal birth? As both Kelvin and Newton are born outside earth, in Pluto and Miranda, respectively, they are called bootleggers....

This is the time of space travel, star colonies, and extraterrestrial affairs. It’s nice to know there is still music, drinks, and coffee, but most food is synthetically produced or grown indoors. People carry boRings, a pun on ‘boring’, which are probably like cell phones much advanced. Pods are used for travelling.

The United States is divided into two, as in the time of Lincoln, The Holy Confederate Empire in the south and The Yankee Commonwealth in the north...

Kelvin has never seen her mother, Sedna Gunner, and extraterrestrial geologist, and she doesn’t know who her father is. She has been brought up by her grandmother, a space commander. Newton has been brought up by his parents and has a sister. Kelvin’s mother did not want her and she preferred space travel, whereas her grandparents questioned the wisdom of it after the Ladd Expedition.

It seems a romantic relationship is beginning between Newton and Kelvin and the prospects of the time machine sound interesting in this world of the future.

Best wishes,

The Child of Heaven

Tyrson wrote 344 days ago

A lot of information in the first chapter but it doesn’t get in the way of the story which moves forward nicely.
Gives you the feel of the party and Kelvins personality. The second chapter builds on that but would
it have been better to break at the speech?
In general I was confused by the chapter decisions, they seemed random.
All the best with your book.

Meg Wearing wrote 465 days ago

Though not my genre, I found this to be a well-written novel. I especially enjoyed the description of the annex - wonderful imagery, and believable dialogue. Backed with pleasure.

Meg Wearing
A Shamrock On The Verandah.

Melissa Writes wrote 712 days ago

Fabulous premise, great characters. I love your unusual and unique storyline and you write with professional ease. So many original ideas contained here - I love the idea of projected outfits!
I identified with Kelvin immediately, maybe it was our mutual dislike of parties and mingling, but she seemed 'real' to me. Applied chronology! Such a great story. I only read the first couple of chapters but wanted to get my thoughts down early and will definitely read on - thoroughly intrigued.
Lessons in the Dark

Ellen Michelle wrote 712 days ago

Read abit of this book earlya on.
Not my type of thing to be honest but i enjoyed it lol very well written and very realistic
:D Nice one !
Ellen Michelle

M. E. Harrow wrote 775 days ago

Your hook is very original - the time travel idea is well thought out and researched. I'm not usually interested in books set slightly in the future, however your writing brings the near future to life and I can see a lot of your ideas gaining traction in the real world. Well done.

djmantle wrote 869 days ago

[comment based on reading chapters 1-6]

Karen, this is a great read; the characters are believable and engaging (I really felt for Kelvin when she was listening to her mother's message), the plot is fascinating and compelling and the action moves forward at a good pace.

I read all sorts of fiction and found "Time Squared" to be something I come across rarely - a novel of ideas which also has characters of depth that you can care about. You make the scientific and technological details accessible and blend them effectively into the story.

I think all my comments have a lot to do with the fact that you write extremely well - or at least you craft your writing extremely well. I was impressed that in the first two paragraphs you set up both the main character and the story. I was hooked. There is an easy wit in your writing, too, which is appealing.

I would have a real difficulty in finding anything to critique. My only points, and they are minor ones at that, are:
- in chapter 1, I wouldn't use underlining to emphasise Kelvin's thoughts. I don't think it's necessary.
- in chapter 2, "she snarled". Is it necessary to say how she spoke? I think the dialogue alone is sufficient.

This is a book I would pay to read!

Intelligent and entertaining. Best of luck with it and your other books.

jlbwye wrote 890 days ago

Time Squared. Once again, you have an intriguing plot, as revealed in your pitches.
Please remember, I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert.

Ch.1. What an interesting thought - holographic costumes!
That sentence jars a little: 'It looked better on her now than when it was real and she was flat-chested.' I had to read it twice before I realised what was meant.
I wonder why Kelvin hates birthdays so much... And the answer comes at the blink of an eye, with a further hint of mystery. Fancy having chrono and bio ages. What an imagination you have.
Nor do I believe that time exists - except to humans. I'm going to enjoy this read.

Chs.2-3 Your story is impeccably written, and full of surprises.
Why do you bother with this site, I wonder. I'm sure you'd easily find a publisher for your books. They're full of quality, and innovative ideas, and I'm at a loss to find anything to suggest or critique.

Ch.4. And now we're introduced to the baddies - one of them actually with a conscience - sort of.
And a piece of sentimentality and human longing.
Cant help myself. Must read on.

Chs.5 - 6. I really should stop now, and read someone else's story...
You must have done a prodigious amount of research for this book. Or maybe you're a physicist yourself - I'd be none the wiser.
You're a consummate story-teller, Karen. What more can I say?

Jane (Breath of Africa)

cooee wrote 913 days ago

I’m not a science fiction reader so have no idea how original this idea is, but I love the premise. You’re writing is pretty clear. Just some comments below as I read.

“If she had anything to say about it, they never would.”-----I’m not sure that last sentence makes sense – it’s almost like the last past of the clause should have ‘know’ on the end of it

“Kelvin had no defined duties until her speech at 8:30.”-----it isn’t clear if you mean morning or night.

“She wished she could hide in her office and at least catch up on messages, but the President of the Institute had made it clear that he expected her to mingle.”----- you don’t need that last ‘had’

“Kelvin shook her hand and tried to remember if they’d met before.” -----Try “Kelvin shook the woman's hand ect"

“The woman’s gown billowed in a non-existent breeze.” -----That is very clever….like it.

“ It looked better on her now than it had when it was real” -----try eg….on her now than it did when it was real

“Did you hear? HCE guerillas tried to assassinate the premier of the YC! But the assassin was caught.” -----With this lot of dialogue and the next line few lines – I think it would be great if we knew if they were
women or men speaking – more visual.

“Leviathan had offered it”----- don’t need the ‘had’

“Kelvin didn’t feel like defending her field, which the rest of the scientific community had embraced for at least twenty years.” -----don’t need the ‘had’ I won’t bring up any more ‘had’– its nothing a read through can’t fix as your prose is really quite clear, but the ‘had’ is starting to let down the activeness and flow of the piece

“Scotch, neat.” -----I’d consider a tag her so we are sure that’s it’s Kelvin and not the barmade

“The man turned and raised an eyebrow, then moved closer.” -----Closer to what? It isn’t clear if you mean he moved closer to Kelvin or the bar

“She’d heard a rumor he might attend, but hadn’t dared believe it.”----- try ‘did not’ instead of ‘hadn’t’
“He glanced at her badge. “Silly of me, Dr. Gunner. I’ve heard a little about your work here.” ----- I don’t think you need that ‘here’

“She supposed it was the same at his school”----- I didn’t understand why she thought that.

The next bit made me laugh, when she wondered if it was really his hair…I thought oh, dear, what a world to be living in.

“That was the fact, though it didn’t answer the question.” ----- I didn’t get that remark, as she did answer the question, maybe you meant that to be the other way round, as in it wasn’t a fact. I’m not sure, I also didn’t see understand the comment about coincidences.

The main thing I thought about the first chapter was that it could probably have had a little more detail. I really didn’t have a great idea what type of room we were in, or what the ring phone looked like. I think the wonder of this type writing in the science fiction genre along with fantasy is the ability of writers to fully bring those worlds alive. I think the dialogue works well, the pace is good, and although time machines certainly are not new nor an original idea, this appears to me to be handled from a different angle…I love the way they are not necessarily who they appear, that they are projections, and would have like to have a bit more of an understanding how that was actually done. Overall all though, well done.

Hope something helps. Good luck with this.

IanDB wrote 924 days ago

Hi Karen
I never normally read sci-fi and only planned to read the first three chapters. However I have just read the first six and have to say really enjoyed it. It's extremely well written and Kelvin, although deliberately dry and aloof, is a likeable character. I guess what I liked best was that although the setting was fantastical the emotional story seemed believable and real. The characters have all the same insecurities and hopes as the rest of us, only in a far off, vividly imagined future. The dialogue was believable and the high concept nature of the story was clearly explained and easy to follow. I hope it doesn't sound like a cop out, but can't really think of any constructive criticism on areas to improve so won't write any simply for the sake of it.
A very enjoyable and imaginative story.
Backed with pleasure,

YGPAC wrote 950 days ago

I might not be a fan of sci-fi but i really enjoyed what your hard work and time put in managed to produce. i really liked reading this as it's really interesting

brinskie1 wrote 954 days ago

Karen - The premise of 'Time Squared' is interestingly and well explained in your pitch. I like this enough to give it some time on my shelf, but I do think the opening is a little awkward. I see that has been mentioned by others. Occasional wordiness might be part of the problem. [ Kelvin Gunter hated parties almost as much as birthdays. There were even attempts at dancing in the limited space - two possible alternatives.] I'll return after I've read more.
Please take a look at 'Einstein's Road Trip' or 'Another Christmas Tale' if your time allows. I would be very interested in your opinion.


RossClark1981 wrote 975 days ago

- Time Squared -

(Based on chapters 1-3)

I enjoyed this from the off. The writing is crisp and clean and we have some excellent characterisation in the very first paragraph. This continued throughout in Kelvin's interaction with Newt. Their different personalities and Newt's dry humour really work well off one another.

I was impressed with how well the theory of time travel across the present was brought in. It's not an easy concept but the way that Kelvin explained it in layman's terms (very clever, having her explain it to Newt the layman by the way) was both understandable and didn't feel at all forced.

There is a lot of wit in there too, and not just with Newt's humour. The subtle 'to get off the subject of mothers' made me smile.

I don't think I have much to add in the way of constructive criticism. I had written down that Kelvin is a man's name and was left with much forehead slapping when that issue resolved itself.

I only really have two nitpicks, both from chapter one.

- Times are usually written out. So 'eight-thirty' rather than '8:30'.

- I wondered about the mention of gunpowder weaponary but I expect that will be cleared up later too.

Very good indeed. Original, interesting and entertaining.

All the best with it,


Timmy42 wrote 1009 days ago

I have read through the first chapter and you have a intresting concept. The characters are good as well as the dialouge. I look forward to reading more and have put it on my watchlist.

All the best

(Pirate corps)

junetee wrote 1017 days ago

The pitch is pretty exciting.
The whole storyline has such an exciting and origional concept.
Your beginning is a little slow and I enjoyed the second chapter better than the first.
But overall your writing flows well. I enjoyed all three chapters I read.
I give you 5 stars

Benjamin Gorman wrote 1066 days ago

Your premise is wonderful. The book starts out slowly though, and though I enjoy a slow start in so many of my favorite books, I've learned it's a killer in the industry, especially for first time authors. I'm up to chapter five now and I'm wondering if there's a way to jump start the action earlier. Perhaps you could have something happen which hints at some time slippage early in the story? Or could we get a scene of Nick skulking around as Kelvin goes off to the party, so that we already know there's some suspense regarding what might happen while she's there?

I like the Newt/Newton joke, but it means his name is very close to NWIT. Might be worth a find-and-replace fix to change the name of the university.

I am interested to hear more about how the fractured countries that make up the U.S. interact, and what brought about their current state. I hope we'll get more about that.

As an experiment, I'd suggest trying to hack away at the interaction between Kelvin and Newt, seeing if you could get across the majority of the information in half the pages. If it becomes too dense you could always chuck it, but you might find it's a lot tighter and makes the beginning of the story move more quickly. I don't know how much of their conversation will become salient later, but if any of the details are just character building but not necessary to the plot, I'd save them for later. Kelvin is immediately likable, so her backstory isn't necessary unless she's going to meet her father later or travel to Pluto or something.

I'm excited to read more. Starred and WLed!

JupiterGirl wrote 1068 days ago

Hi Karen, I concur with the other reviews; fabulous premise! A writer has such a wide berth when it comes to time travel. So far I like where you're taking the concept. Your writing is solid and your character, Kelvin Gunner, is shaping up to be a smart, gutsy, woman we all can climb on board with. Shelved and I look forward to reading more. If I was to give any advice at all I'd streamline the opening paragraphs a tad as they read a bit wordy. Best of luck. JupiterGirl (Twins of the Astral Plane)

Walden Carrington wrote 1241 days ago

Time Squared has such an original concept for a novel. I read the first chapter and found the descriptions vivid and the dialogue sharp and realistic. I've rated it with six stars and placed it on my watchlist.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Rachael Cox wrote 1282 days ago

A very interesting idea! I love the concepts and inventions you introduce and your explanation of their details. The holo message and the clothing / image projections are very unique ideas! Not to mention the main concept of Time Squared! Your characters are interesting and realistic personalities and the dialogue is very natural.
This promises to be a very intriguing story and original science fiction.
Best of luck

brinskie1 wrote 1288 days ago

Shelved Time Squared - Very clean, good pitch, and excellent, believable dialogue. I will return after I've read more if I run across anything worth mentioning that hasn't been said before.
Einstein's Road Trip [I would like to see your take on Einstein if your time allows. Thanks.]

Andrew Burans wrote 1298 days ago

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Kelvin. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing makes your science fiction novel a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

tisseurdecontes wrote 1311 days ago

You have an excellent story here. I've just read the first two chapters so far. You do a great job with the surprise at the end of chapter one. However, given that (as you state very clearly) Kelvin was not supposed/allowed to share details of her project with the people at the party or in her speech, I find it out of character and unprofessional that she would share the details with Newt. You might want to reconsider her revealing that to him at this point in the story.

I plan to read more.


Steven Lloyd

Becca wrote 1328 days ago

Preface to comments: I'm not an avid reader of sci fi.

First, I think you second paragraph grabbed me more than your first. Perhaps you could combine the two and trim it down at the same time.

Dr Gunner hated parties almost as much as she hated birthdays, yet somehow she had ende dup hosting *this* party *on* her birthday. The party really wasn't too bad, as fast as such things went. Good food, open bar. Even a live band. But none of the guests on this Sunday night knew of Gunner's dilemme, nor was she about to let them find out.
This event--time themed with holographic representations of H.G Well's time machine and strings of pocket watched dangling overhead--celebrated and inaugerated Dr Gunner's new workplace...

So forth and so on, focusing on character and weaving those descriptions in as you go along. It takes a little while to lay with it, but I think you might come up with a real winner that way. However, I am only one person. In the end you need to stay true to your story and voice.

I think you have some wonderful Characters here, and I liked Kelvin especially (although her name kept throwing me off into thinking it was a boys name!) which is a good thing (my liking her, I mean) because she's the main character. Your dialogue is good and you exact eye for detail really makes the story come to life. A natural talent for writing indeed.
Good luck with this!

The Forever Girl

Jim Darcy wrote 1385 days ago

Not met Kelvin as a girl's name before but that's the future for you! An entertaining read with plenty of science in the sci-fi and conspiracy to boot.
Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

SusieGulick wrote 1396 days ago

Dear Karen, I love your intriguing suspenseful story - I'm glad I'm not your heroine, though - it would be too overwhelming for me. :) Great story. :) Your pitch is excellent, so set the hook for me to read your book. :) When you use short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, it makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing your book. :)
Could you please take a moment to back my TWO memoir books? Thanks, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"...authonomy quote.
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs.

M. A. McRae. wrote 1405 days ago

Very well written. Quite different from 'Crane's Way." But you should definitely get yourself a better book-cover. Backed, Marj.

JD Revene wrote 1406 days ago


Great first chapter. I love the way you work the details of the future into the action, and the way the story unfolds--at once gentle, but moving along.

Great dialogue between Kelvin and Newt and nice misunderstanding--not too hard to see coming, but still satifying.

Chapter two is an equally easy and fast read. One thing doesn't quite jell for me thoug: Kelvin is mad at New when she realises who he is--or who he isn't--and yet she goes on to explain her invention to him. This just didn't feel quite right.

Chapter three again nicely melds info on the setting into the story and the dialogue between these two is great.

So, three chapters and this has been an enjoyable read. Sci-fi often suffers from info-dump, this doesn't--maybe a tad too many holograms in the first chapter, but that's a judgement call--and yet, there's a good feel for a new and different world.


Mooderino wrote 1408 days ago

The start was a little slow. A lot of time spent talking about what was going to happen and how she felt about things and i wasn't really engaged by all these minor details. I found myself wanting to skim through it. You also slip in some political background which felt too clunky and obvious a way to get in exposition.

I thought her chat with Newt was nicely done, although a bit on the long side. They are essentially making small talk to establish some kind of rapport before you drop your twist of who he is (nice job there) but you stretch it out to the point it really feels like overhearing people making small talk. I think you could achieve the same effect much more efficiently with a little cutting.

She gets mad at him, maybe at herself, but when she then decides to tell him about her project I couldn't see the reason for the change in her approach. Just because he's a music teacher didn't seem enough.

The actual explanation of square time made absolutely no sense to me. That's not saying it doesn't make sense, just that to give you my honest reaction I have to say I have no idea what she was talking about. So what if you can pat your head and rub your tummy at the same time, how does that make a difference? I've read a fair amount of sci-fi in my life and am usually able to follow a logical theory, but my feeling is that you need to explain the theory better than you do. Although I am getting on in years , so I might just have not got what you were saying.

i think the writing is polished and the characters intertesting, the way they meet is well handled. I have reservations about the theory behind the concept, but the idea it leads to seems interesting. Backed.

Ariom Dahl wrote 1409 days ago

What a delightful ending to the first chapter! Heh .. loved that. Oh, I DO like Kelvin!
‘Do you know how many alcoholic beverages I’ve consumed in the past twelve months? … Two … and you witnessed both of them. So maybe I don’t drink nearly enough.’ Loved that line!
And this idea of holograms for clothes is brilliant … I want one of those gadgets. This attraction between Kelvin and Newt is interesting … nicely understated.
Seriously, this is a brilliant story and I plan to read it all.

Ben Hardy wrote 1420 days ago

I have read chapters 1 and 18, and they are a pleasure. Your futuristic world is not distracting - it is presented with little explanation, trusting your readers to catch on. So, immediately I warmed to this book. The characters are well drawn, and the dialogue is believable and rattles along. There is an understated humour, and some genuinely touching emotion. For example, Newt's anxiety about Kelvin's failure to show in chapter 18, and Kelvin's reaction to the holo-message in chapter 1. The premise is intriguing, and well set up in chapter 1. By 18, there are some obvious baddies around. So, all in all, I really liked this and I'm glad I stumbled across it. Ben

Owen Quinn wrote 1458 days ago

Great pitch with a believable character and everyone has sympathy for her because at some point, someone's stolen the credit for your work. Good imagery and dialogue helped by te flowing narrative. Excellent race against time story.

soutexmex wrote 1462 days ago

Karen. These are brilliant pitches. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. SHELVED!

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

The Obergemau Key

Burgio wrote 1464 days ago

This is an imaginative story: a step beyond cloning. Kelvin is a good character (altho I don't like her name; I think of Kelvin as a guy's name). She's likable and super intelligent and becomes sympathetic when her life's work invention is stolen. Wondering what will happen if the bad guy is able to use the device kept me turning pages. Makes this a good read. I'm adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

ellen911 wrote 1468 days ago

This is well done. My initial thought regards your opening line - an important point of any story. I suggest (of course, my opinion here) that you either start with your second sentence or the first sentence of the second paragraph. These are more telling of the character, story, plot.
This is imaginative and entertaining. Nice job.
Ellen (Thoughts of a Teenage Girl)

Ron Mitchell wrote 1472 days ago

This is an interesting concept for a story plot. I liked the way you developed your characters in chapter 1. Best of luck in your future. I wish I had time to read more of your book. If the rest of your book is anything like what I've read then it is worthy enough to back. Remember December Gold in your reading. I would appreciate your comments.
--author of December Gold

mvw888 wrote 1480 days ago

What can I say? I'm a sucker for time travel, and I also have a few different ages, "depending how you look at it." Great introduction of character and story. You do a good job of setting the scene and introducing us this alternate time/world. I love the professor of "Applied Chronology." If only that were a real course! Great job. Oh, and if you're into time and astrophysics, look at Charles Baxter's "First Light." An older book, some interesting things to say in this area. Good luck with your manuscript.

lizjrnm wrote 1497 days ago

What a great imagination you have - and a real gift for being able to put it down in writing. This has polished prose and expert pacing. I love that the entire book is uploaded as I will return for more later! BACKED

The Cheech Room

Famlavan wrote 1498 days ago

I’m very impressed by how you have developed your main character. Your use of dialogue really fleshes her out. Good storyline, thought the humour a the end of one very balanced – Good luck

gillyflower wrote 1501 days ago

Your pitch is immediately interesting and drew me straight in, but your writing is even better. Kelvin is a real, three dimensional person, clever, amusing, idiosyncratic in her attitudes. She is someone we feel close to at once. When she mistakes Newt for Dr Nelson Healey, it's enormously funny, and since by now we also feel very fond of Newt, it's also very satisfying. You have two great characters set up, and the development of their relationship is bound to be absorbing. So, as well as a gripping, exciting plot, you have a enjoyable romantic tangle. Add to all this the humour which is on every page, and you have a book I want to read. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Rak M Nay wrote 1504 days ago

OH My god, this book simply catch me
Thank you for put it complete here
I love Si-fi, I love Time Travel so...
Maybe I´m a suspect person to say something abouth that
Howvever I only read the first chapters and I have that geek felling in Sci-fi books that I like but it´s not much accessible to a large public.
If you undertand-me.
(Sorry about my weak english.)

Dogeared wrote 1505 days ago

Just finished your first chapter Karen. I am not a sci-fi person, so forgive me if I just don't "get" some stuff. And, please take what I say with a grain of salt. I am only one reader who is trying to expand my horizon's a bit. It is within your rights to ignore my comment completely. I just want to be honest and I certainly don't want to offend or insult.

I like that your story is based in Seattle. Seattle is my hometown. (Also the setting for ,and why I referred you to, Every Atom Belonging, by Dan McKinnis). I get the whole techie geek thing going on there. And I love it, btw.

You've got lots of descriptive paragraphs and that is good. I have a sense of the place the party is located and the academic professional vibe. You've shown some context and background for the protagonist and successfully introduced the POV without getting tangled up in it. At least if you have, I didn't notice. ;)

You also know how to proofread your own work and have a command of grammar and that is so extra good!

You've successfully set me up to want to know more about "the device", and I'm engaged with your theme of time-travel, as well as a possible romance with some gender play possibly (Kelvin? For a woman?). All cool in my book.

But I have to be honest. By the time I finished the chapter, I felt a little relieved.

The sentences are chock full and every sentence has the same long structure. Over and over again. You've got some variation in there, but not enough for my ear. This could be my own problem, but maybe too many adjective phrases? Stylistically, sentence length variation makes for more interesting reading. Play with combining sentences. Pull out unnecessary phrases and clauses which are not essential. Keep the voice active.

As I said, take all of that with a grain of salt. But I like it well enough to pop it up on my shelf. I have lots of room up there ;).

Good luck to you and enjoy your time on Authonomy!


Dogeared wrote 1506 days ago

Hi Karen -

I just put you on my Watch List based on your pitch. Will be back for a read and comments. You might be interested in the only book I've shelved so far in the two weeks I've been on the site, Every Atom Belonging. Actually, I think if you haven't read it already, you really are going to appreciate it.

K.Z. Freeman wrote 1508 days ago

I have to say I feel a little ebarassed and inadaquate. let me explain....I know theres a lot of bullshit comments on this site, but please belive me when I tell you that this is one of the best writen first chapters I have read so far on this page. It feel like every sentance just falls into place, and the story is quite enticing as well, I too don't like birthdays lol :D

didn't see it comming that it was a different guy and not Healey, so thats good, need surprised ^^

your very subtle when it comes to introducing technology and stuff I liked that, none of the intrucive stuff we don't need to know about, "this is the story and this is part of it" kind of way. very good :)

need to read on ^^

jtgradishar wrote 1509 days ago

“in defiance of gravity itself” … no need for ‘itself’.

“Even with microwave lasers…” Is this explanation necessary? I think everyone is familiar with the speed-of-light barrier.

This is a nice piece. In looking for quibbles I could hardly find anything, as you can see above. There are some nice sentences here that will really intrigue readers: things like “she couldn’t be in two places at once. Yet,” or “she was 40, or 37, depending on how you looked at it” are great for your story.

Your MC develops very quickly as a character, and your prose does a good job of setting the scene. All in all, a very nice bit of work.


mikegilli wrote 1528 days ago

Thanks for the entertainment. Shelved.
This starts off without fanfare but quickly
gathers itself into a psychological thriller.. super
story idea plus interesting characters.
Lots of luck with it............Mikell The Free

Stephen P Burns wrote 1546 days ago

Yeah, Kelvin is a traditional blokes name, but of course it has great resonance in a sci Fi story, ie Lord Kelvin for one, and for the Sci fi buffs it's the name of your main man in Solaris (Surname admittedly, but its the only one he uses throughout) (at least in lem Stansilaws book and the Tarkovsky superior and only film version of note) Women everywhere have mens names now so whats the beef?

Alexander De Witte wrote 1552 days ago

Karen I finally got round to a read of your first 3 chapters. Since Asimov it has not occurred to me voluntarily to read sci-fi, simply because the filmic representation has been so dominant and it is almost always easier to watch than read. I agree with Ms Tyson that you do a very good job of making the science components fit into the flow and that you do it without straying into an info-dump. You have a style that is easy on the ear and that would fit easily into commercial fiction.

I like your attention to your MC detail - although Kelvin, for me, is too close to Calvin to be a truly successful female name. However, I do note that you do play the career woman card near the beginning and she does seem almost reviled by pregnancy. To me she feels like a Nicola! Anyhow, your character not mine..

I like the way you do the confusion of identity through assumption on Newt Helie - nice touch. Although I should say that Kelvin's response and your description of the sequence feels a little rushed and could be unpacked a little.

Overall, Karen, this is shaping up as a nice read with believable characters and believable science. Best of luck with it in the coming weeks.

Alexander *The Wisdom Tree and the Dormouse*

Brian Bandell wrote 1555 days ago

I like the characters and the conversation. You do a great job of delicately introducing me to the world and the science while letting the action go forward. In the first four chapters, you give plenty of reason to care about the characters and be interested in their budding relationship. It reminds me of some of Robert J. Sawyer's novels.

I'm happy to support well-done scifi like this.


T.L Tyson wrote 1560 days ago

Read the first two chapters last night. Commenting today because I fell asleep with my laptop on reading. This doesn't reflect on your story, for I found it rather enjoyable. I like Kelvin Gunner, this is the name of an epic MC. I like that she is a she and that is her name. You start off on a great food, Kelvin doing something she didn't want to do, her voice comes out here and she is a really delightful character. One with buckets of personality.
This is a quirky tale. I like the subtleness of some of the nerdy (sci-fi) stuff. The bit about her age, chrono or bio. You really do a great job of making this science fiction read seem modern and allow it to be accessible to people who like all sorts of reads. Honestly I don't read this genre for pleasure but a book like this I would.
You're dress is nostalgic/ Are those your real legs.
You have some quirk and quip in this that appealed greatly to me. The little injections of humor kept my attention.
This is also well written. i couldn't really see any glaring errors nor could I see any punctuation mishaps. This was easy to read, fluid and engaging.
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

zenup wrote 1564 days ago

Fascinating. I love the first chapter, wacky names, awkward moments and an intriguing set up. Very promising. Oh and I /love/ the title. Backed.