The Forever Girl

Hi Rebecca,

I feel the same way about Forever Girl as I did when I picked up the first Twilight novel---instantly engrossed and entirely entertained. Straight away from the opening sentence, you’ve managed to showcase a perfect balance of the supernatural and the every day with a spunky heroine worthy of rooting for.

Sophia is perfectly portrayed--real and flawed as we all are--an outcast searching for normalcy, but unwilling to compromise her beliefs in order to gain acceptance. Combine that with your top-notch word-smithing, fabulous pacing, edgy tone, and page-turning chapter endings, and I can only come to one conclusion: this novel NEEDS to be published.

You are more than just a superb writer, Rebecca, you are a true storyteller and I can’t tell you how thrilled I am to see how high you’ve ranked.

On my shelf and starred,

Shannon

P.S. When I finished reading Chapter 6, I desperately wished Sophia HAD nudged her mother’s teacups out of place.

I have read FOREVER GIRL--most of it, anyway--outside of Authonomy (please, please, Rebecca, I need to finish the rest!). What strikes me in particular is the sharp, evocative writing style. There is a natural rhythm to the language you use, and that is not a skill than can be taught. You always seem to pinpoint the right details. Lines such as " ... I could hear the drops bounce off the leaves on the bushes outside" leave me smiling as a reader, feeling as though I grasp exactly what you mean.

Sophia is an unusual and engaging character with a real problem: the buzzing in her head. She definitely is not your typical protagonist, and as we get to know her, we hope she rectifies her problems--problems which mount as the story progresses. Sophia's highly eccentric mother is, to this day, one of my favorite quirky characters in fiction, and would be right at home in a Kurt Vonnegut novel.

As the story unfolds, Sophia discovers a dark, clandestine world she never knew existed. A world in which humans are not welcome, and her only hope is trust the mysterious Charles. What I think is especially cool about Forever Girl is that Sophia becomes trapped between worlds--not to mention she has secrets of her own to keep, namely the buzzing sounds which quickly turn to whispering voices.

There are always questions for the reader to ponder. Both the unusual story and the evocative, poetic writing make this one of my favorite novels in recently memory. Congratulations, Rebecca.

R.P. Kraul, Mirrors of Anguish

Rebecca, I read all your chapters eagerly, happy to find a witch story I really liked. You bring a lot of believability to your story, not to mention a fantastic plot. I recently read a witch story on the bestseller list written by a harvard graduate and it bored me to tears. But yours is very interesting, and is certainly a book I'd buy.

I backed your book, and know that someday soon it will be published.
Sandra Davidson - Cold Moon Rising

I read the first three chapters and agree with the other members who have commented on your smooth, flowing style and sure handling of dialogue. You really do paint with words... : - )

I thought the magic ritual at the start might have put me off, but it was so beautifully drawn that it didn't, and by the time I met Sophia's mother I was hooked. Her persistent request for a loan, and the emotional blackmail she deployed reminded me slightly of my father, who, when I got my first job, suggested (semi-seriously) that I might consider paying back the cost of my childhood in instalments. I just laughed, but this bipolar mother is more unnerving. And then the Salem trial business and Sophia's own problems with noises just adds to the mounting suspense!

Backed,
Vanessa
Banana In The Briefcase

Hi Becca, you can delete this if you want. I friended you and was wondering how THE FOREVER GIRL is doing in the editing and publishing world?

I know you already at the top but I still stop by now and then for a read

Dear Rebecca,

Though I see that you don't want messages, I had to enter your book to say how much I appreciate your backing "The Doctor of Summitville." I really appreciate it. And I guess you won't mind if I read your book, which sounds interesting from your pitch. Thanks again, and best wishes, Bill

Love it, love it, love it! So well written, with a flowing pase that lets the story really come into its own quickly. The plot is well thought out on a subject which is hard to get right without going to hollywood with. Your main charter is easy to relate to, and your reserch into Wiccan has really payed off because it gives your tale a strong believability. I am such a fan of this genre, but unfortunately it is so hard to find great storys around on this subject. Stars in abundance :-)

Well done for reaching the ed's desk. I'm sure one day we will see you in print. A very talented writer.
Loved this story.
Best of luck, Orma

Ah - you already hit he ed desk with this! I can see why.

Yo, Rebecca
What irony. I'm a Parsons and one of my books is SOPHIA.Your heroine is Sophia Parsons in THE FOREVER GIRL. Do Read my SOPHIA and let me know your opinion. The first chapter is the launch into the lifestyle that almost destroyed her. I"ve other books besides... if you have time, do read and assess for WL or backing ...

Hi Becca, had to leave a message here as you only accept them from friends. Just wanted you to know that I have just reviewed Forever Girl on youwriteon under yet another pen name :)

Hi-Not that it matters, but 6 stars. This is really good. I know you've already medalled, but I really like the easy reading and clear writing. You tell a wonderful story without trying to be pretentious and verbose. Also found the whole Wiccan thing very interesting.
Dina of Halo of the Damned and The Last Degree

Forever Girl crit notes:


I liked it first time around and I like it still. The new first chapter does get things moving more quickly, but I'm not sure it is an improvement, just different, as you held my attention perfectly well with the first version. It sets up the initial dilemma, the milieu and a bit of a mystery, as well as Sophia's beliefs. It ties in well to what follows, and does what it needs to do.

I looked for a moment when the decision was made to essay a ritual, as Sophia has not seemed the sort of person to idly slide into any significant act, but it didn't seem to be there. That first step that takes her into the rest of the book seemed diffuse, and whilst that is how it so often seems in life, in a story it can be nice to recognise the moment. The 'Enough was enough. I needed to figure something out.' seemed to prefigure it, but it wasn't explicit. - 'Enough was enough. I needed to do something about this, before I lost the only job I could hold down. I'd been thinking about it long enough.' - Perhaps? It makes the stakes evident, and her premeditiation. Having said which I have one of my character slide in deeper and deeper . . . A prime example of do as I say, not as I do.


Specific notes:

Ch 1.

--the coffe pot with gold stars and a Baktelite (Bakelite) handle.

I like the 'as if I was a photograph of myself' line.

The mystery of Mr Petrenko's murder adds a frisson to the chapter.

Good responses to the Sheriff

Nice touch with somebody having rummaged around in her jeep.

'I had bigger problems then (than) the town crazies.'

Ch. 2.

. . . but she seemed more thoughtful that (than) usual . . .

For a moment I wondered if she was keeping (something?) from me . . .

Outside, moonlight filtered through the trees ouside - repetition.

The details all through the ritual and after worked well. Especially the mysterious figures outside, the blast of wind, and the atmosphere that you 'conjure' up.

I sense(d) another presence in my room.

I wasn't sure about the line 'I came up empty.', it seems to be unrelated to the preceding lines, and I'm not sure you need it.

Ch 3.

College education a waste - is repeated, I don't think you need the second iteration.

It really gets going, in my opinion, with the encounter with her mother, where the deep personal heart of the story is laid bare. It handles backstory very well, and makes explicit her ties to her home and the cleft stick that puts her in. This leads on so well to the escalation of her attempts to resolve her situation.

Thanks for giving Mayfield Maleficarum a try. Some have suggested like you that things need to happen quicker, others have begged me to resist that as they love the way the plot unfolds. At the moment the latter group are ahead. I also think the reading format on-line can make us impatient. I know I approach books with a sense of impatience because I have to page down and click and it all still seems foreign to me. If you were to keep going I think you would find the pace similar throughout, as it is sort of a fireside chat with a murderer, however the murders do get increasingly creative and I think the plot will continue to layer effectively. And the witch element does get explained later. You mentioned punctuation and I have spent some time on that, if you have seen a trend please let me know broadly where I am going wrong and I'll endeavour to fix it. Thanks again.
Norton

Hi Rebecca!! You told me about this website (on scribophile).. Wow, it's great. My book is already at number 1 on this weeks top rated list!! And I have 21 people with it on their shelf, and I only put my book up here yesterday. Thanks for sharing your work here also. I read the first few chapters of Forever Girl, and I can see why you were so highly rated, and I liked the review from Harper Collins, and I hope you take up their suggestions, because it seems an awesome story. I think maybe the scribophile community would help? But maybe you are doing it on your own. Great work, and congrats on your skill and talent. Monicque. :)

Rebecca,

I was looking at your book and I liked it! It is awesome, and I backed it. Please take a look at my novels DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS or MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND, your decision to back either one will be appreciated. Good luck and happy writing.

Dwain-Thomas

Hey. I am new to authonomy, so what I write may not be worth a grain of salt, but WOW! I will NOT read something that doesn't start out vibrant, and man! Your book is a grabber right from the start. I've written a different genre, but I love your style and vibrant characterisation of Sophia. I am proud to have read this before I have to pay for it! Can't wait to read more by you. ~Heather

"Rotten Rotty"

love the title and started to read it and was instantly involved -well done -elisa gianoncelli

Hi, Rebecca,
Looks like you have a lot of fans for your book, and some great feedback too. Congrats! I'd like to give you some more critical observations Please bear with me.
I read the first chapter, (The forever Girl) Below are some issues I found. Some are just factual, punctuation, etc. Others are personal opinion that you can entirely disregard if you like. Take-em or leave-em. I'm just the reader, here.
* The first two paragraphs both start with, "I'd". I would chage that. maybe change the first "I'd" since it feels awkward. Maybe just, "I crossed the diner's black and white..."
*The word, "hissing" is used 3 times in the first line and first paragraph. Then again in the 3rd paragraph. Lots of "hissing" going on! maybe find other words to describe the same thing you are trying to relate to the reader.
*Further down: "I spun around. Danny had ***spilled a splash*** of his soda." Sounds awkward. Maybe just, "...had spilled his soda."
*Next sentence: missing word. "I headed to the back to get a sponge, but by THE time I reached..."
Also, same sentence, "to the back to get", could be better.... It's the 2 "to's" I have trouble with. Maybe, "I hurried to get a sponge." would work better?
*Next paragraph begins (again) with, "Yeah, right. I'd spilled his soda..." I know your trying to say, I had spilled, but it doesn't read well, in my opinion. Seems like it might be better to say, "Yeah, right. I spilled his soda."
*Misspelled word: 2nd paragraph down from there begins with, "When Jack found me..." The last sentence has "tied". I think you mean, "tried".
*The paragraph that begins with, "I realized then that I was staring..." you have "hissing" again. You did use buzzing a couple times. That's good. How about, ringing, humming, or drumming. I'm just sayin...
*Where you place the line, "Until I arrived." between paragraphs, I'm having trouble understanding it. I'm confused as the reader, just how it fits in with the situation. Did you mean to write, "Until HE arrived"?
*In describing the man who came in, you write, "There was something chaotic about him..." Chaotic? What does that mean when someone looks chaotic? Feels like too strong a word to me. Just sayin....
*Missing word, next sentence: "I couldn't GET away fast enough."
*Next line: "I met up with Tina in the kitchen, who was picking up two baskets of burgers..." Maybe should be, "In the kitchen, I met up with Tina who was picking up two baskets fo burgers..." Do you see why?
Also, "I met up with Tina in the kitchen..." sounds like they had a planned meeting...like they were getting back together for some reason. Maybe something like, "I found Tina in the kitchen, or just, "Tina was in the kitchen picking up..."
*Confusing sentence: "After my shift, I climbed into my jeep and kicked away the fast food wrappers and empty water bottles cluttered by feet." Do you mean, "cluttering my feet"? Or......do you mean your feet were cluttering those items? Do her feet clutter the clutter?
Also, the 2 my's in a row (my shift, and my Jeep) Maybe just me, but I would re-write that to read better.
*Another "hissing" which is fine, here. Again, just thinking it will be better if you can change a few above, then this one will work better.
* "Their drink needed refilled." Suggestoin: "Their drinks needed refilling." ? Or, "Their drink needed to be refilled." ?
*The chapter finishes up with the "I'd's" again. "Reflecting on my day, I'd very nearly said..."
Feels awkward since it is following with, "I'd been considering" which feels good, but just to close to each other. Just me....
Earlier we were discussing first chapter content. Here's some thoughts. I finished it feeling like I don't really know the main character very well. Should I have a better idea of who she is after reading the whole first chapter? Also, after reading the entire first chapter, I don't have much idea of the premise of the story or where it's going. I don't know (yet...) why the lifelong curse with the hissing. I'm sure I'll find out if I keep reading.... But, who is she? There are rumors about her, around town. A witch, maybe? But all the time I spent reading, I was hoping to get past the drink spilling, coffee making, coffee spilling....and into some action, or more dialog that produces information relevant to the story I'm trying to get into. I liked the guy coming in. That perked my interest, but then, nothing. Okay...some mystery. Im convinced things will pick up and come together better in the next chapter, but what has happened that makes me want to go further? I want more information to grab onto. I'm not intending to be overly critical here. Just my observations as a reader. Good writing. Maybe I'm expecting too much for a short first chapter. I think it will read better too, if you can do some editing with the punctuation stuff. If I were to pick this up in a book store, I would be disappointed to find as many errors and confusing sentence structure, misspelled words, missing words, etc.
Hope this was helpful. Ignore it all if you like but I think there are a few things mentioned that I would want to be made aware of if it were my manuscript.
:o) ~Joe

I usually don't read this catagory but you got my attention from the start and kept it, way to go! Definately a great read for fantasy/horror enthusiasts. Keep up the good work!

Leslie Gervais
"Love Has No Borders"

This is a wonderful book. You have a very unique style and you capture the reader's attention from the beginning.

If I claim to be an agent or publisher can I get the rest of of the book? It's fabulous!

It's not every set of tags that includes faeries followed immediately by genocide!!!

Hi Rebecca,

I see you made it to the top without my help and it's easy to see why. A great story with an unusual concept. No errors that I spotted, though admittedly I have only had time to read the firts two chapters.

Ron

You gotta love Liansky! :)

I have read 10 chapters of your book. I am fascinated with Sophia. As soon as I have the time, I will read on. Congratulations

This book isn't bad. Interesting. A bit rushed, though. I almost turned back when I saw one reviewer compare it to Twilight, but I pursued it and the writing is much better than that in Twilight. Seriously, haha.

Very good read!

I am honestly trying to figure out why any publisher would take note of this book. Maybe I just don't see it. All I see is a juvenile attempt at writing.

Revision of the spillage works fine. Maybe JayG will like it.
Doesn't do any harm that I can see.
phil

I like your definite characters and interesting interactions. There were a few situations, like the duel waitress scene, that brought out the tensions of your story. The characterization was quite good in several places, and the flow is smooth.

That said, here are some things to consider when revising:

(The static in my … unwelcome attention.)
Restate to include conflict in you opening line.

(The stood straddled)
Typo.

( His shoulders had broadened … to his chin.)
Good characterization.

(“That’s the lady I was telling you about,” he said. “Sophia Parsons. My mom says she’s not right.”)
Don’t interrupt the dialog with a tag.

( stage-whispered)
I like this.

(Only the day before… you every day, Sophia.”)
Like the characters here.

(I should have tried blocking out her voice, too, but at the time, I thought she was being sweet.)
Reword, this is a choppy sentence.

( But today the air was warm and heavy with judgments, including a few of my own.)
This generalization is not preceded nor followed by anything that justifies its inclusion. Show your scene and let the reader decide whether or not the day was ‘heavy with judgments.’

(I sighed as the old-fashioned dial)
‘As’ often connects otherwise unconnected actions by an obfuscated time. ‘The old fashioned dial clicked ever upwards and I sighed…’ Without the recalibration of time, the actions read smoother.

(even if my goodness came from a different faith.)
This was implied earlier. The explicit statement doesn’t work as effectively.

(Damn pump lock was broken.)
Reword for active action.

(I squeezed harder, the stiff trigger digging into my palm.)
Passive. Digging = dug.

(drawing my attention once again.)
This is a weak action as it refers to something the reader doesn’t remember, and a cliché action of attention is ‘drawing.’

(on the pole of a street sign.)
Cut the preposition. ‘…on a street sign pole.’

(I glared at them, a silent acknowledgment of their little conversation.)
Passive. ‘…silently acknowledging their…’

(Danny nudged his friend and nodded toward the opposite street corner.)
Opposite of what? Of them? Don’t refer to the obscure spatial relationships of characters.

(trying to get the town doctor’s)
Choose a better action.

(But he was ignoring the symptoms.)
This should be addressed in a way that the reader and infer that it is presumption. Then they wander about the validity of the claims, as most outsiders do when a layman contradicts a doctor.

(“Same thing,” he said…Jerk.)
This is too little. To categorize someone in such a judgmental manner requires at least a few flawed character traits.

(When the gas pump stopped…place.)
Cut ‘when.’ Don’t refer to the time, simply let it happen.

(Maybe the people at work today would be a little more welcoming.)
Cut ‘today.’

(At Jack’s Diner)
Awkward transition.

(The jukebox negated the buzzing)
In what way? A sensory description of this would work great.

( I personally couldn’t be bothered with a drive to the outlet malls.)
This is too much of a personal interjection. The character’s personality and preferences and can derived from how she speaks of others committing activities she disapproves of.

(“Oh,” the … have another waitress?”)
Good characterization.

( and another scene played out in my head. One that involved throwing my tray at the woman.)
Verbose. ‘I saw myself throwing… I imagined …’ something quick with enough punch for your great visual here.

( Instead, I bustled)
Cut instead, redundant.

(As I walked away… she looked from me to Jack and growled through clenched teeth.)
Good tension here.

( always a constant bother, intensified.)
‘Always a constant bother’ seems understood.

(I started toward her but stopped and turned to rush into the kitchen instead.)
Again, cut the word ‘instead.’

( pretty little head and perfectly plucked eyebrows.)
This is great interaction, but the characters at the table aren’t well described enough for this visual to hit home.

(Perfect Tina, who the … She didn’t ask for perfect hair, free of the split ends the rest of us endured…even to me.)
I like where the character is going. However, the description of hair here doesn’t work to embody the sentiments towards Tina. Something more encompassing and irreconcilable would work better.

( Perfectly, of course.)
Again, ‘due to her hair’ isn’t enough.

(And she collected her usual big tips, while my customers left behind little more than spills of coffee and dirty napkins.)
Good sentence.

(Going through the motions almost made me feel normal.)
There is little that would suggest the character is abnormal. Her reactions are measured and even. The static sound is too ill defined to be categorized as anything but a medical issue at this point.

( I acted out any of my wild impulses.)
The impulses shouldn’t be treated as abnormalities. They’re quite common.

Hi,
I am sorry for a late response comment wise, but you do know that i have backed your book like ages ago!! But i am finally gettign to read more of it...and i like it!!! the first line reminded me of Twilight, and asi moved on i thought of buffy and sabrina...i think you mixed all of these together without knowing it which is why it is so beautiful...i mean to say, the fact that readign your book reminds of of three most aswesome characters and books is very very impressive. It means your character is here to stay...best of luck

Congratulations on being selected. May the process prove successful. Well done.
Tom Balderston
The Wonder of Terra

Congratulations.

Congrats & respect.

Excellent work, Rebecca -- Congratulations!

Justis Call
Prestidigitations

Rebecca,

I have managed to get to The Forever Girl, though I’ve not been able to read as much as I would like, which is itself a good sign – there aren’t all that many novels on this site that I don’t want to put down.

You have an attractive style, and atmospheric writing that encourages us to read more.

I haven’t had the time to delve as deeply as I normally would, but I doubt that I would have noticed any technical issues. Certainly none jumped out of the pages at me.

Backed with pleasure. I hope this does well.

Neil.

Good writing with a 'buffy-ish' sense of humour and some catchy prose. Made me want to get to know Sophia and read more. Definitley backed

Happy to place Forever Girl on my shelf Rebecca. All the best with your HC review. Enjoyed this the first time round and was pleased to revisit it today and star-rate it. Here is the comment I wrote some 289 days ago. Good luck!

zan wrote 289 days ago [edit comment]
Rebecca,
I love the original phoenix story set in the Arabian wilderness so your title drew me instantly and I had to back this. If this is anything to go on, I am expecting a lot of excitement and surprises here. Who is going to rise from the ashes I wonder?? I loved your pitches. The short one, “College woman tangles herself in Wicca, hoping it will lead away from her crazy home life, but instead acquires a power she never bargained for” is simply marvelous. How many of us don’t wish to acquire powers, especially when home life becomes crazy? You are very intuitive. This is such a forceful premise. Sophia’s spirit holding centuries of knowledge, obtained through reincarnations dating back as far as the Salem Witch Trials is something which is fascinating to write a book about. And fascinating to read I might add. You have a good imagination and the way you work out how she gets these powers is credible - after performing a ritual with her friends, a rune stone infused with the power to guide her intensifies what she believes to be the curse of one of her ancestors. Searching for answers is sometimes futile so I am not surprised that she too experiences this sense of futility, until luckily, the ultimate betrayal of someone close to her reveals the secrets of her past. I look forward to readingh more to see whether or not she manages to rescue the Liette family. You have some great descriptions here. I liked the “Bible-thumping mother”; “my heart battered against my ribs”; trees blocked our waxen moon” and so on. Very good. You write like a poet. Well done and I'm definitely coming back for more when I find the time.

Best wishes for success,
Zan

Hi Rebecca,

I feel the same way about Forever Girl as I did when I picked up the first Twilight novel---instantly engrossed and entirely entertained. Straight away from the opening sentence, you’ve managed to showcase a perfect balance of the supernatural and the every day with a spunky heroine worthy of rooting for.

Sophia is perfectly portrayed--real and flawed as we all are--an outcast searching for normalcy, but unwilling to compromise her beliefs in order to gain acceptance. Combine that with your top-notch word-smithing, fabulous pacing, edgy tone, and page-turning chapter endings, and I can only come to one conclusion: this novel NEEDS to be published.

You are more than just a superb writer, Rebecca, you are a true storyteller and I can’t tell you how thrilled I am to see how high you’ve ranked.

On my shelf and starred,

Shannon

P.S. When I finished reading Chapter 6, I desperately wished Sophia HAD nudged her mother’s teacups out of place.

i have enjoyed reading your booka nd learning the more deeper thoughts in the character of Sophia Parsons...There is a good rhymth and flow right through from the first page right up till the end...Sophia's mysterious ways ist a good way too hold the reader on cliffhangers and the edge of there seats..

Chim
Three Hearts, One Choice, One Love.

Intelligent, observant, and overall solid writing skills here. I expect you could sell this novel soon.

*I just realised that the pitch for it is a bit at odds with the first-person narrative, however. Might that be more powerful if they were both presented in the exact same voice...?

Keeping fingers crossed for you this month for a positive reception from HarperCollins to 'The Forever Girl'. Congratulations--you're almost there.

Cheers--
E.R.

Dear Rebecca,

I like the way you describe characters and the slow build-up of suspense. You have put an immense effort into the descriptive dialogue that seem very realistic. On top of that, you have introduced a fair amount of religious tension that adds to the rich storyline. I find 'The Forever Girl' very promising and wish you luck with it.
BACKED

Ed,
The Imperialists

Hi Rebecca I have backed your book in the hope of giving you a boost Good Luck frederick

Hi Rebecca,
I enjoyed this. I think you have an interesting story which quickly attracts the reader’s attention. If I was to nitpick, I might be inclined to say that some passages don’t read particularly smoothly. But since I’m unpublished, maybe I don’t have the right.
All in all, I feel this is a good book. I think I would buy it, always my acid test. Backed. Good luck.
Rheagan Greene – Unwelcome Consequences

This is good, But there are a couple of things that bother me about it.
I don't like certain lines - "maybe it made them feel good to stick a label on me"
"maybe the people at work would be a little more welcoming" I feel as though they don't fit in with the character you are trying to build here.
I've only read your first chapter, I wasn't hooked enough to read on. Perhaps I'm making a quick judgment,
but i've seen better books on this site. Yours is good, but not good enough to back.
I wish you the best of luck anyhow, the story line is intriuging but you need to put a lot more work into this

Shelved - again. Hope this helps. Saffina

Well, well, well, Rebecca Hamiliton; what a talented writer you are! I can't tell you how much I enjoyed your story. You had me spellbound right from the start reading about pumping gas. I WAS Sophia, relating to her feelings at every turn. This work has GOT to be published, that's all there is to it! I'll be expecting you to sign my copy. You betcha, I backed it and gave it top stars. Thank you for writing "The Forever Girl".

Lynn Scanlan
Losing Hazel

What a page-turner this is! Cracking!!
Backed and Good Luck
All the best. Backed,
S.vinay kumar,
The ark and the aroma of peril

What a page-turner this is! Cracking!!
Backed and Good Luck
All the best. Backed,
S.vinay kumar,
The ark and the aroma of peril

Rebecca, I have read all six chapter of Forever Girl and overall enjoyed it. Although i'm not a fan of the genre, I do teach a unit on the Puritans and the Salem witch trials, so that information was intriguing to me. You accomplished well, among other elements, the development of unique characters, Sophia's inner dialog, her sarcastic reactionary humor, and the use of fresh figurative language. I esp. like Paloma's physical description and lines such as "Doubt appeared like a miniature demon on my boot, tugging at the hem of my skirt" or when the dinner conversation died like someone had "lifted a needle from a record." As a longtime reader and English teacher, I tend to give a book from 25-50 pages to make a captive of me, so I'd have to say that in those chapters there was definitely enough to keep me turning the pages, whether that was your writing style, character introductions, or plot shifts. Some small things you might consider--one sentence's beginning "Breathing ragged" stopped me. Maybe "breathing raggedly." Also in chapter 4 you use walnuts beautifully in the metaphor about the dryness of Sophia's mouth and then use it in a positive way to describe the roundness of Ivory's? eyes. Personally, I thought the second comparison, esp. within the same chapter, reduced the magic of the first one. But these are really small critical details.... I have backed your book and am interested in continuing Sophia's journey.

Hi Rebecca, I found Forever Girl a very pleasurable read. It made me read on through every chapter. In Ch 2, I really liked the scene in the shop with Sophia and Paloma, with your excellent descriptions, eg Paloma - hair now brown as coconut husks, eyes the colour of maple syrup, and minus the bottle-red hair. High stars for this. Also, still in the shop scene: my mouth watered and nearly sent me to the kitchen cupboard when I read your description of home-made madeleines 'seashells of lemon sponge topped with raspberry curd and sweet mango - just the right combination to create sparks on the tongue.' Excellent!. In Ch 4 I really liked the passage where the kids are 'scaring the Inca doves from my lawn. I froze as the rapid flutter of wings whipped against the air.' Very poetic. This is excellent writing and I think you have been blessed with a natural talent. You really can paint with words. You've got a little gem here and I have given you high stars and my backing. Will keep you on my shelf to help you stay on the ED. All the very best of luck. Cheers, Kat (Hens from Hell)

I like the detail you add and how you make it so I can relate to the main character.