The Caves of Caerdraig

The Children's fiction market must be tough if stories like this can't get published. This is a delightfully written tale which is imaginative and descriptive.
In Thomas and Caitlin you have a convincing pair of heros and I bet any money my nine-year-old niece would love this.
We teachers have to stick together anyway.
Backed

Steve

The Caves of Caerdraig
William Roberts

I've seen quite a few children's fantasies here but not one about a mysterious Blue Fish living in an underground lake. Full marks for creativity - this is fresh and would be a nice addition to children's collections in bookshops, and in homes too! Looks like it would also be a treat to see on the big screen. Enchanting story here, nice setting, a host of interesting characters human and non-human, including a large lizard, giant spider and Emrys, formerly Merlin's apprentice! There's a mythical quality to this which is charming, the prose is beautiful and there is a sense of wonderment throughout which I think is so much a part of childhood. You make me miss this time and my head is full of recollections of some of my favourite authors of that time including Enid Blyton and CS Lewis. You seem to have a knack for knowing your audience well, including knowing what reading children would love. I like the inclusion of the riddle in your plot as well, again another thing which will draw your target audience to this. Everything it seems here was carefully crafted to stimulate and exicte young people. As for me, I am an older child who has completely fallen under your spell. One of the better children's books here which I hope will go very far.
Best,
Zan

My grandchildren would love this as a story , and as an animation, your words paint such vivid pictures it would translate beautifully into visual mediums. Your story telling voice is appealing and magnetic. A fine bit of work. Shelved.
Michael Croucher (Bravo's Veil)

This is a lovely book. Thomas and Caitlin are wonderfully realised characters and I thought the scenes with the winged monster were most effective. It is a tale for everyone with a charming message. This is precisely what good children books should be and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Excellent. Carl - The Time Hunters

The Caves of Caerdraig is a charming book, narrated in a gently paced style that is almost hypnotic, and will certainly appeal to my grandchildren, especially given the drama and adventures of Thomas and Caitlin's capture by lizards and meeting the giant spider. I'd also buy this because of the underpinning morals - for instance the children only disobeyed their parents because they wanted to find silver to help the family. I'll be happy to back this.

When I first started reading this, I didn't see how a lot of the elements fitted in with your main plot. The story felt a bit disjointed but then I realized that you've only uploaded the first five chapters and, perhaps, all of the distinct elements would come together later in your plot. Otherwise, this is a captivating, mesmerizing story for both children and young-at-heart adults.

Your main characters are very well-developed: Thomas, Caitlin, parents: Evan and Gwyn, and Emrys, the story-teller magician. A couple of minor characters contributed to the feeling of the story being disjointed, however. For instance, where did Huw come from and who was he? What was the purpose of the tall, slim, pretty woman in chapter 3? Emrys leaving the children's in the midst of the story-telling, too, was a bit odd since he had unusual items in his house that he didn't want the children to uncover. Perhaps you could just send him to the kitchen to fix tea and then have Thomas and Caitlin snoop a bit. They could then end their visit and start to leave when they hear a strange noise in the house which causes them to peep back in to see Emrys bring the Knight by working magic over the sword. The Knight will appear for a cause later in your story also, won't he?

Your imagery of the cave and of the cave room is especially well drawn and magical to the reader. Now, your story seems to be back in focus on your plot of the children going in the cave and discovering a monster who, I assume, will be Blue Fish? I believe your story shows a lot of imagination and creativity and has the potential to be a really wonderful fantasy but you might need to start at an earlier point to tie your elements together perhaps through a more detailed description of each and hint at how it will relate to the plot later on.

There's a lot of good dialogue in your story and your imagery is excellent. With a little editing, I think this book has the potential to become a very popular school-age children's book. You have my best wishes for its publication and success. I'm leaving you a bunch of stars for a delightful, imaginative book!

William, the first thing that strikes me about your timeless adventure story is the care and dedication you have taken in the writing of it. The prose is perfectly formed, and the charming, exciting story fulfills all the promise of the pitches. This is one of the most accomplished children's books I have read on Authonomy. Six stars.
David
MASTER ACT: a memoir

This is very creative and lots of fun. You launch us into action from the first paragraph -- high marks just for that! And you portray a sympathetic family. You also have a nice balance of dialog and description. Well done all around!
And If you're interested in kid lit, I'd love to invite you to take a look at my novel, The Lost Wink
Thanks,
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

CAVES OF CAERDRAIG
This book has a scary beginning for a children’s story – which is good because it’ll pull your young readers into the story immediately. I liked both Catlain and XX; they’re a good brother and sister team (and I think it’s good for children to see a brother and sister working together instead of baiting each other in a children’s story). If I had a suggestion, it would be to make the time period clear at the beginning of the story; I didn’t realize until the second chapter that this story was taking place so far back in the past. Either way, it’s a good story. Highly rated and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Awesome description of the monster in the first chapter. I'm a fan of your writing and I can't wait to read more. I really like how I can sense the concern from for the children finding out about the monster. You have a way of creating emotion in the reader, that is hard to find. I am watch listing you until I can read more. I am also looking for feedback on my book Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket. Any comments are greatly appreciated. Best of luck to you with this!

Ashley

The Caves of Caerdraig.
By William Roberts.

First of all…I like the book cover, it instantly tells children that it’s a book for them.
It also creates an air of danger and mystery to come.
This is what grabs the attention of a young reader…why the book leaves the shelf.
We come to the pitch which is laid out nicely and very informative.
It tells us more about the book than the first five chapters on here, so we have an Idea of what to expect on a completed version.
The storyline will prove to be an excellent read for a youngster, it has the element of intrigue, mystery and magic that suites their needs. Scary at times, this is ideal material to keep the reader involved.
Thomas and Caitlin come across very well, their young voices, just about right.
Emrys, of course brings the book alive with his magical spells.
I didn’t find too much wrong with this book, everything flows along nicely and I quite enjoyed what I’ve read of the five chapters so far.
I can see it doing well in the book shops; given half the chance…I hope it gets it!
Pleased to star-rate it high and to shelve it!!

Kind regards,

Neville. THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST – THE TIME ZONE.

I like how you drop the reader right into the middle of conflict. These days if you don't grab the attention of a younger reader in the opening pages, there's no way they're reading on. You do a great job with this.

Kids will love this premise and the promise of danger from the opening pages. The second you mentioned the cave, I was hooked. I think the sooner you can get to this point, the stronger this opening chapter will be.

Your writing style is perfect for the target age group. It reads smoothly and is polished in most places.

You've also made it more marketable by having a male and female lead. You're able to appeal to male and female readers with this combination. Good choice.

The last page with the description of what they've found serves as a good hook. I'm curious to learn what happens next.

You did a wonderful job editing this. It was nice to sit back and enjoy the read without having to jot down notes. I didn't catch a single editing mistake. Well done!

Suggestions: I'd advise against starting this from an adult's perspective. It has worked before, but kids like reading about kids. If you want the mystery behind not being allowed to go in the forest, you could simply begin in one of the kids' perspectives and build up the mystery that way. By starting with the parents, you've deflated any possible mystery. The reader knows why the woods are dangerous. If you keep this start, I'd like to see a bit more fear out of Evan and Gwyn. The scene should be oozing with tension, and there's a bit, but if you really tapped into their fear as they see this beast, as it turns its attention on them, this would be even stronger. The paragraph "The forest was called..." is all telling. Can you show us this? It would also heighten the tension and bring your reader into the story better. Again, show don't tell with, "Evan and Gwyn were shocked." Watch out for "was" and "were" as they are the most obvious signs of telling. How about: "but if you want to fool us, your story will have to be more convincing than that." I'd cut "shortly" from "shortly Robert said." At times you use more words than necessary. "The track Evan walked along to go back home skirted the forest." Why not just: "The path home skirted the forest." Less is almost always more. It's a bit jarring when you change perspective mid-scene. I recommend sticking to one perspective.

This is a strong start to a children's fantasy. Kids are eating up this type of book, and I'd love to see this published. With a bit more polish (I think your opening chapter could be cut by 25% and be more effective) and some heightened tension, this will be even stronger. Good beginning!

You can tell a good story by becoming aware of your own facial expression when you read it. I am listening to the story teller, William, he has both of my ears. There are few fantasy stories that capture the old century feeling, and those that do, do it well. I think that 'caves of the caerdraig' can join them. Well done and good luck.

Dragons! Who doesn't love dragons? What a creative tale you've posted for us to read. I loved it. We're only on chapter 2, but my daughter and I (she's nearly 8) will keep reading this at bedtime. Good luck with one of the most interesting tales we've come across yet.

William, I write again to praise your extraordinary tale, which more than once made my heart miss a beat while I was reading about Thomas and Caitlin’s breathtakingly perilous adventures in the caves. The waterfall, the cage, the Blue Fish. It’s ravishing.

I’d have six-star-rated your book with pleasure again, if I had a second chance, but alas.

Sincerely yours.
Ivan.

p.s. Thank you for supporting ‘The Beholder’, it means such a great deal to me :)

Very interesting read, it has all the stuff that makes a good fantasy novel. I rate it six stars and will back it as soon as I have room on my shelf.
-Charmain

Well, ‘The Caves of Caerdraig’ is really universal and outstanding and supremely ingenious. To tell you the truth, I got really excited from Chapter 2, and now I’m a real fan of your fairy-tale.
There’s one tiny moment that made me frown though. At the end of Chapter 3 there’s a moment when Thomas and Caitlin end up on a spider’s web. Thomas gets frightened, almost in tears, he says “… it [the spider] must be enormous …” and the next sentence is “Caitlin was also worried.” I think it should be not ‘worried’ but at least ‘petrified’ because that’s what I felt like. Petrified.
The descriptions of the caves in Chapter 3 are sublime. Thank you for an extremely enjoyable read. I’m looking forward to the continuation.

Ivan Amberlake (“The Beholder”)

Hi William,
I backed your book a while ago and still think it should make the desk. I don't think children's books get much of a break on here do they?!
I was hoping you'd be willing to return the favour by reading/commenting/advising/watching etc my newly uploaded story 'The Woman In Yellow' if you wouldn't mind please?
It's the first thing I've uploaded onto the site and am keen to see what others think of it.
Thanks very much
Tree

A mighty interesting read! I love how you have interwoven the fantasy world with the real world here! When published, kids will go in search of queer places to find a mine with fantasy creatures in it for themselves, I'm sure!

Only one critic I have here.. The opening paragraph seems more apt for an adult audience. If the book is targeted for a below 14-readership, you might have some problems in hooking them for it...

But all in all, a wonderful, wonderful book! Good luck!
Poorwa Y. Kamat-Tarkar
The Sign of The Maya

I read your first chapter.

General comments: Interesting main characters. Good set up. Good descriptions. Could use more tension.

Specific comments on first chapter:
1) When you use ellipses ( ... ), only use three dots. Using more or less pulls the reader out of your story while they try to figure out what you're trying to convey with two, four or six dot. You don't want that.
2) 'Terrified that it was about to attack' is telling. Consider showing their terror.
3) 'Gwyn was also worried about the children' is telling. Consider showing her worry.
4) "Good try Evan," said Lolo. Comma after 'try.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases of this type of problem.
5) Rhys believed Evan, "Something similar happened ..." Period after 'Evan.' 'Rhys believed Evan' is narrative that tells who did something. As such, it is punctuated with a period. There are more cases of narrative that needs to be punctuated with a period rather than a comma.
6) She sounded so serious I began to believe her. Put an opening quote mark before 'she.'
7) Consider reducing the number of exclamation marks by half. Overuse diminishes their effectiveness.

I hope this critique helps you polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for backing "Savannah Passion."

Happy holidays.

Al

A good, very imaginative children's story, William, well done. If I can just make a couple of suggestions....to really engage your adolescent readers I would recommend that you introduce the POV of Thomas and Caitlin a bit sooner - for example, have them watching in horror from an upstairs window as their parents try to fight off the giant lizard. In my experience young adults/children want to engage in fiction from the POV of a fellow child and tend to shuffle if faced with an adult POV for more than half a page. I would also recommend that you remove all the commas you have placed either side of the words 'and' & 'but' and avoid where possible starting any sentences with these words. Apart from these little nit picks, I really enjoyed it. Good Luck. :)

i like your premise so i am backing this book again under the new system...
j

Your novel is reflecting lives during dark age. It is a sort of historically informative. The characters in this novel are very touchable for all readers.

Joy J Kaimaparamban
The Wildfire

From what I have read, this is a delightful story full of charm and wonder. The relationship between Caitlin and Thomas is lovely, as is the rich and colourful landscape that you describe. There has clearly been a lot of thought and care behind it.
Just a few thoughts:
1. The pitch sounds great although I wondered if maybe you told too much of the story? It would be good if it could evoke more suspense rather than being simply told that they solve the riddle.
2. I wonder if you could describe Evan's immediate emotional reaction to seeing the Lizard creature, rather than simply his action of going outside. Perhaps a hasty exchange between him and Gwyn, or maybe Gwyn begging him not to go outside? It didn't feel as though it was the first time they'd seen such a beast and I would have liked to have got a greater sense of it.
3. You say 'in those days' but I don't think you've yet specified which time period we are in.
4. I am interested in the bits where the children say things like "some people say" and "perhaps those stories are true". I would like to know more about how they have come to hear these rumours and more about what they think about them.
Karen

Thank you William for accepting my offer to swap reads! I will gladly go first!
This is a fine work of children's literature. Your pitch was exciting. I almost thought it was targeting an adult audience just from your pitch, but it turned out that the story works well for the younger ones.
The writing is still smooth (hard to do for children's stories), and you do a fine job at not sacrificing the scenes to the dialogue. Well done to say the least!
I hope you will enjoy my novel and I look forward to your comments.
Backed!
~Richard
Twin Fates

THE CAVES OF ............
The imaginative, entertaining story told admirably well in cute short sentences and simple dialogues would be loved even by grown-up children! BACKED with BEST WISHES.
TMN
"NEVER LOSE..."

Hi William

I love the matter-of-factness of this and the Welsh setting. It somehow gives it the real feel of a timeless fairytale, like something out of Charles Perrault or the Brothers' Grimm, while still maintaining the link to the contemporary audience. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

Very well constructed story that doesn't talk down at the children. Good dialogue and from the premise there is lots in store.

Dear William Roberts,

The Caves of Caerdraig: monsters, dark forrest, poor little family, a boy and girl, and dragons --classic but freshly imaginative.

Best and backed.

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School

This is one of the most delightful and entertaining childrens books on this site. A good story that is spellbinding, held enchantingly together by good characters and dialogue.
Jane

A captivating children's fantasy adventure with fascinating characters. Wonderful imagery. Sparkling dialogue that evokes the era. A pleasure to read. Backed.

William,

Imaginations like this are hard to come by, but you've really created a fun world for this story. It's excellent children's fare, and that's not easy! I love your descriptions, prose and your characters.

Nice work! Backed! Looking forward to your thoughts on Head Games!

Kevin Alex Baker
Head Games

William. I found the premise behind your book and all the characters wonderful. I can just imagine you telling this story to your grandchildren. I can see that they would be wide-eyed with wonder as you painted the pictures with the words, noises and gestures.
But, this is where I think the problem lies. You have not put into words the necessary information to paint the same pictures for a reader that is not listening to you telling the tale.
For example - where are the family when Evan hears the noises of the monster? I knew they were in a bed, but then they climbed down a ladder, so I thought they must have been in some sort of loft - maybe a hayloft. Will you use pictures to help out here.
You also need help with writing - a good editor could help here. The ideas and the storyline are great, but to reach out to other readers you must get the basics right. They may seem like little things but they jump out when you come to read your work for the first time.
You say Evan & Gwyn were shocked. This is one of many example of where you 'tell' and don't 'show' You need to show us how they were shocked - were they shaking, were they sweating?
You say that the noise 'reached his ears'. Well of course it did. Couldn't be his eyes. Stating the obvious is just not necessary and looks contrived.
What is the relevance of telling us the colour of the children's hair and eyes? Unless this is important later then it is seen as irrelevant. We could certainly do with more information of the physical attributes of the family and their surroundings so we can form pictures in our mind, but these are random bits of information that add nothing to the storyline.
I read three chapters of your work and as I said at the outset it is a a lovely idea, but I think it needs a great deal of work before it can make the leap from grandad's tales to a published book.
I hope you make the necessary changes, or get help with this.
All the best
Alice

Lovely lilting Welsh names and mythical beasts reminiscent of the tales of the Mabinogion. An exciting story that children and adults will love. Backed with pleasure K.J.

William.
Lovely setting for the book. Works well. Story grabs and keeps hold of you. Will read more of it andsee what my own sons think.
Interested in any comments on my childrens' book [younger age group] called paperbats

Jerry

I like your straighforward, matter-of-fact writing style. I think it will appeal to children. The opening jumps out at the reader - I wasn't expecting to meet the creature straight away! But that isn't a bad thing.

Small nit - The only concession you made to Evan and Caitlin's fear was that they were 'trembling'. I would have liked to connect with them a bit more, to have 'seen' the terror they must have felt.

Great story though, that I'm sure will appeal to your target audience. Backed x

Hello William
Use the active voice in writing. Avoid weak verbs: "to be" and its variants: was, are, is. (was is your weakness) This puts the reader on-scene, makes what’s happening, happen now. Author intrusion reminds the reader she’s reading, hence you lose immediacy, empathy between reader/character.
Show, don’t tell applies. Watchwords: thought, wondered, considered, realized, and the like.
Eliminating these mechanical pitfalls from your work greatly enhances your writing skills and gives the editor fewer distractions during the reading. That translates to fewer reasons to reject your work.

When I finish a story I always do a word search for the word “WAS” and “THAT” as they are the most common "passive" word we use in writing. When I find them I try to rewrite the sentence to get rid of it. I know this is not always possible. Regards Pride.

William,
At first I thought the opening to be a bit intense for a children’s book, but as got into it the voice seemed right for the audience.
I did think the opening had one issue with continuity.
We have a monster as big as a barn. A monster this size would have to leave quite a swath of destruction in it’s wake as it fled through the forest. Evan should have been able to follow it easily.
Other than that a job well done,
MickR – The Nightcrawler

good children's story, great advenutre. you write well, and keep our interest...on my watchlist for now...
read SEASONS...

Hi. After six days on this site I am (unbelievably) still running to catch up with the people who have been kind enough to back me. Every time I log on I have thirty people to thank and review in return before I even get a chance to read some that I have picked myself from the book list. So, and I do not mean to be unhelpful, I am BACKING this on the read because I think it is every bit good enough to be in print (I think that is the criteria I should be using) but, although I have made written comments, I have no time to type up my thoughts. If you want them just message me and I promise to get to them ASAP. Otherwise, BACKED.

Wonderful writing. Your voice is that of a natural storyteller...I felt immediately as though I was in capable hands, ready to put up my feet and hear your story. The siblings are well-drawn and instantly sympathetic; an air of mystery and magic lingers. Well done.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

Great story - how could it fail with Cymru as its setting? Good characters - diving straight into the action. Only comment less than great I'd make is - heck of a long first chapter. I'd maybe have started the second at:
'Caitlin let the hens, ducks and geese out.,,' a good point to split, but hey, that's just me.
Watchilisting you to back when space is free. - yfory.

Some of us write from experience/knowledge and some from the heart. It’s easy to see where your story’s coming from—and that’s great for young readers.
Your narration is easy to follow, characters are believable and your dialogue fits right in with the story. Both are great for your audience.
You’ve got my vote.

William-

This book will open the reader to a new world of imagination and adventure. The story basically reminds me of ALICE In Wonderland where she got into the world of mysterious places and uncommon creatures. Your plot is very creative and fresh in this site that for sure, would attract the reader's interest to keep interacting while reading your book. Characterization is well polished and seems to be realistic. You narrative technique is simple but very comprehensive. . I am amazed at the range of writers who have published work on Authomony. Many works on this site would not be out of place in High Street book shops. I think that it is more a reflection of the state of the publishing industry these days, rather than a reflection on the quality of the writing, that so many talented authors find that their work is not taken up by publishers. I will back your work as I feel that your efforts deserve it.
Best of luck.

FLETCH
STORIES FROM A LEAKING MIND

Great story for children. Well written.

I do hope it showed this time, let me know if it did not

Best of luck

Denise
The Letter

Hi William,

This is such a beautiful story. Well written and flows nicely. I'm sure almost all children would be enthralled by the adventure and excitement involved in the tale of the two believable characters. A good sense of wonderment is thorughout the pages. I believe I have already backed this, bit if not do let me know and I will.
good luck
Faith
The Assassins Village

This tale of dark ages Wales grips from the start without it being necessary to transport your mind back to an earlier reading age. For kids this should be sheer delight. Terror and mystery are created from the first paragraph. Fearsome monsters, dangerous forests, old tunnels, the lord on the hill; all the elements of a wonderful story are present and made work magically by the fast paced writing style and the author's seemingly effortless grasp of the simplicity of the times which gives the reader a real sense of the setting.
John O'Brien - Other Face

This tale of dark ages Wales grips from the start without it being necessary to transport your mind back to an earlier reading age. For kids this should be sheer delight. Terror and mystery are created from the first paragraph. Fearsome monsters, dangerous forests, old tunnels, the lord on the hill; all the elements of a wonderful story are present and made work magically by the fast paced writing style and the author's effortless grasp of the simplicity of the times which gives the reader a real sense of the setting.
John O'Brien - Other Face

Dear William

I do hope you put more of your story up, as I need more of your characters.....What a good book. I started reading this some time ago and now done. I commented and backed it a while ago, but cannot see the backing anywhere. So i am taking the time to back it again because I believe your book is WORTH IT

BEST OF LUCK
Denise
The Letter

Hi William,

this is just beautiful. Children will just be transported into the world you have created.

I have backed your book because I was hooked by the pitch, loved the introduction and read on. How much more I read depends on time and commitment.

Enjoy everything and good luck.

Rusty Bernard
The Mental Pause

Great story and setting! This will appeal to a wide audience! Backed.

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the saber

Hi William, sorry to have taken so long.
Your story is sound and mostly well written. I think it will appeal to perhaps an 8 -11 year old age range. Not above.
Your characters are beautifully drawn and children will really relate to them all. I liked the scary monster. Children will depict him as they wish, but i think they can handle it.
The pace is good (not too fast), hooks gripping and humour abounds.
You repeat the word dreaming in the first paragraph.
'slipping quietly out of bed '-- misplaced adverb or over-writing--how else do you slip out of bed?
Only your careful punctuation prevents the moon being in the yard below. If 'in the yard below' is the last phrase in the sentence, it reads the same without need for the awkward pause.
The children are very brave to tackle such a beast. Perhaps, express a fear and then the act of bravery -- one sentence would be enough. If the lamb was their favourite pet lamb, it would explain their extraordinary valour!

I hope this is useful in a small way.
Best wishes and good luck,
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

This is a lovely story, full of bravery and adventure. The pace is cracking right from the start - and Lizards! I hope Scot knows. Your young characters are lively and still realistic and the setting is excellent. I look forward to sneaking a peek at this when you get it on CeeBees! Best wishes

This has a fable like quality. Immediately we're in with the action, in fact the whole book seems ever so slightly skewed from reality, something I can imagine a child loving to read or be read. And in the vein of all the best fairy tales, you do not shy away from scaring the child. All the best books I read as a child scared me, it's brilliant to get a child's imagination going.
Best of luck with this.
Lisa