Book Jacket

 

rank 2147
word count 75172
date submitted 17.01.2010
date updated 20.04.2011
genres: Fiction, Comedy, Erotica
classification: adult
complete

The Cup Snatchers

Gerry Mclellan

A lewd (?) farcical,disgusting romp set in Manchester, France, Italy, Japan, and Thailand as the protagonists try to retrieve the Champions' Cup from the villains.

 

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When beautiful Japanese exchange-student Yumi falls for Lenny 'God's gift to women,' he can't believe his good fortune.
However, his luck changes as they both unwittingly become involved in a Mafia plot to steal the European Champions Cup.
A chase ensues and Lenny and Yumi must first travel to Thailand to retrieve the Cup before they can consummate their love.
Both Sato san, who imagines himself to be head of the Japanese mafia, and Gino, his Italian counterpart, mistakenly believe the other to be in possession of the real cup, and they use their cunning to try and get it back. Sato san has other problems to contend with as his gay son, Akio, decides to leap from the cupboard.
This is the first book of a planned trilogy.

 
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tags

bad taste, hillarious., lewd, raunchy, sexually explicit

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292 comments

 

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Neil Peters wrote 464 days ago

This is fun, light hearted and witty. Good story and tales of places far away. Good characters with good interaction between them. Chapter 11 must be from a different book as it has no relevance to anything in the story. Liked the story and the way each chapter jumps around the globe to keep the reader interested, other than a few typo's very good job.

Brian G Chambers wrote 473 days ago

Gerry
I stumbled upon your book here and found it to be all that you said it would be. Very funny, farcicle and lewid. A very good read indeed. High stars from me and now on my WL. My stories are very different from yours, but I would be grateful if you would have a peek at them.
Brian.

PCreturned wrote 1101 days ago

Hi Gerry,

I was wandering the website and spotted you and your juicy tsr, so I popped over to look at your book. :)

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they will just be my thoughts. You can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

(Sorry in advance for any typos, but my keyboard’s a bit knackered :()

Chapter 1: Great whimsical intro of Sato. i find myself intrigued by him at once, wondering why in hell he's got those tattoos if he isn't yakuza. I love the little catch 22 situation that yakuza members can't officially use such bath houses, yet the authorities are too scared to stop them because they're yakuza ;). Lots of funny yet authentic feeling detail here on Japan. I winced at the schoolgirls' underwear bit, even though I've heard that really goes on. The dogs' involvement's news to me, though ;).

Ah then we learn why Sato isn't really yakuza. he's thought too crazy. Um... that's scary. The yakuza aren't exactly known for restraint. looks like he's got a sort of guru status around his deluded followers, though. I almost laughed aloud at the dialogue between him and Takeuchi. Great description of Sato, by the way. I really can picture him as a psychotic cartoon character ;). You do a v good job of getting us into his mindset too. He's a frustrated and angry racist, though he probably thinks of himself as a patriot. The plan to steal the European Champion's Cup came as a surprise. He really is demented, isn't he? Seems like he lives in a fantasy world, and most people are just scared to disagree with him on anything.

Hmmm I wonder why he thinks his son, Akio, is odd. The boy must either be even madder or just different to the people in Sato's world. Ah it looks like Akio's either gay or is acting so to piss of his dad ;).

1 tiny suggestion here. Occasionally, I think some of your paragraphs feel pretty long. They could make for intimidating blocks of text on printed pages. Is there any way you could paragraph a bit more often to make the reading easier and quicker for thickos like me? ;)

Chapter 2: Gino seems instantly like a bit of a pratt. I do hope I'll get to see him fall flat on his face soon ;). Yup, he's even got a ponytail :(. Hmmm seems like his business ahem activities are a little shady. I wonder, is he a sort of Italian Sato? Oh I did enjoy seeing him getting "shitted" at both ends ;). Uh oh... seems he has plans for the cup too. I can't imagine what'll happen if him and Sato come into conflict.

I almost laughed out loud when I read his version of counting sheep. Very Italian ;). I also like the fact he seems scared of his wife. Hmmm this man plainly has 1 real fixation in life. By the end of the chapter, he's off to ahem exercise.

I've a tiny suggestion on dialogue. I don't think you need beats and speech tags simultaneously. eg in ""But I've only just got here," she replied, putting on her pouting face..." we know who's speaking from the action. I think just " "But I've only just got here." She pouted...” would work fine and use fewer words. ;)

Chapter 3: After Gino's life of lust, Lenny's deprivation seems unfair. I almost pity him :(. Ah it seems he still lives with his mum. Maybe that explains the mystery of why he's never had a girlfriend ;). Ron and Dawn seem a good match, though. I love the fact you threw in the bondage out of nowhere. I was so surprised I had to blink and read it again ;).

Toby and Lenny seem kindred spirits, both a bit hapless. By the end of the chapter, though, my main sympathies are with Lenny. Bit of a plonker though he is, I think he deserves a better life than the 1 he's got. Why do I fear he's somehow soon going to be tied up in the whole European Cup theft? ;)

Uh oh I just saw how long this comment's getting. Sorry about that. I think I was enjoying your story and lost track of time. I'll sum up now, and then shut up. :)

I think you have a fun story here, filled with daftness and vivid, bonkers characters. Your descriptions are well done, and really paint pictures of what's going on. And the dialogue is always believable and feels real. I especially liked the non-sequitir bits like mention of the bondage gear. Stuff like that always gets a surprised laugh from me ;). With the readability, sense of fun, and the occasional sex bits, your writing reminds me most of Tom Sharpe's work. no bad thing, I hasten to add. ;)

I've rated your book as highly as possible, and hope you get noticed by an agent. I think there's a real audience out there for your work.

Best of luck,

Pete


elmo2 wrote 1103 days ago

I read the first three chapters in your piece "The Cup Snatchers". lots of good bawdieness and a nice consistent narrative voice moves the piece along well. i like the first caricatures you build, the japanese and italian gangster characters, nice comic touches, and you are comfortable with making sex so central in your characters' motivation, something that a lot of writers are not comfortable with even though it so central in so many of our lives, i like your work. if you have time i would appreciate if you would take a look at my piece, "Ghost Dance."

curiousturtle wrote 1131 days ago

Gerry,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

So sorry it took so long to honor the swap reading. Sometimes life gets in the way

This is funny, funny, funny!

..... and the satire is delivered with some much brio and gusto....

.....is one of the most original pieces in this site....

"smear their panties with yo hurt"

"authentic live in look"

"I can feel the cheese melting away"

"stealing the European champion's cup"

I mean, I could keep going and going like the Duracell bunny

......but I am laughing on the floor!

david

laurenbabb wrote 1134 days ago

Ha! this is daring and hilarious, so tongue in cheek. I appreciate the graphic sections, theres no glossing over the sordid and semi-ridiculous truth.

Orlando Furioso wrote 1179 days ago

That is a cracking opening graph, our kid! I'm in. Will have a sneaky read while I'm supposed to be beating my brains out at work tmr. Crawley? Man U? If you put that in fiction I wldn't believe it. Nicking a cup doesn't seem so stupid. Nicking it will be the only way the Aresnal fans will get anywhere near it.

Orlando Furioso wrote 1181 days ago

Backed because, what the hell, it's the 4th round of the FA cup tmr and this place takes up far too much footy watching time, so why not combine a bit of footy and reading. Will be back to take a proper read tmr, between games of course. Come on you Gooners!

Marita A. Hansen wrote 1184 days ago

I thought your pitch looked amusing so I had a read of your first chapter, and had quite a few laughs. You've got a wicked sense of humor. The Fido comment made me screw up my nose. It was really gross, but still funny :)

This story is most certainly derived from a male's sense of humor, with all the cheese and balls references--tackles and all--which was probably why I liked it. Other moments that I laughed at: The paragraph about people with tattoos being banned from using the bath houses because they might have a link to the Yakuza but still being allowed in because they had a link to the Yakuza. Sato san thinking his son wasn't quite right, but not being able to figure out why even though the guy won competitions because of his beautiful feet with his toenails painted in flamingo pink. Sato san's description with his permed, dyed blond hair, and his desire to ransom the European's Champion Cup for David "Belcham," etc...

I'm going to come back to chapter 2 another day as this was a good laugh. Thanks, Marita.

Irish-Books.com wrote 1260 days ago

I enjoyed reading this book - an 18 cert "carry on" adventure with lots of caricatures. However ... I found the reliance of the plot on coincidences irksome. There were also a couple of incidences of telegraphing the plot. You almost told us what was going to happen. I find the tendency of strangers to fall instantly in love with your characters e.g. Yumi and French girl in airport, spoils story. I found the Manchester United references distracting/annoying e.g. Alexis (Ferguson).


Regards,
Liam,
www.irish-books.com

CarolinaAl wrote 1266 days ago

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A unique, striking, humorous start. A complex, wacky main character. Good attention to detail. Clever wit. Good pacing.

Specific comments on chapter 1:
1) '... the appearance of an uncompromising position.' I believe the appropriate term is 'compromising position.'
2) '... worth his or her salt' is cliche.
3) 'Failing to see any real difference between Sato Sans' dangling balls ...' Sans' (plural possessive) should be San's (possessive). There are more cases of this type of problem.
4) "Yes Sato san." Comma after 'yes.'
5) "You're honorable balls ..." You're should be your.
6) 'So he tried to dispel unwanted images of his son from entering his head.' Consider eliminating 'from entering his head' to remove redundancy from this sentence.
7) 'In his minds eye he san could see ... ' Minds (plural) should be mind's (possessive). Also remove 'san.'
8) ' ... in the hope that the lateral damage would be kept to a minimum.' 'Lateral' should be 'collateral.'
9) 'What am I going to do with my son? He thought. 'He' should be lowercase.
10) An effective end of chapter hook.

I hope this critique helps you polish this all important first chapter. These are just my opinion. Use what helps and discard the rest. Thank you for supporting "Savannah Passion." I hope it can remain on your shelf until it makes the editor's desk. Have a fabulous day.

Eduardo Maccaron wrote 1268 days ago

A twisted, turning, laugh-out-loud, envy-thy-imaganiative prowess piece of pure polish! You possess, amongst a possible plethora of private-part perversions, a unique and wonderful talent that I must admit is wonderfully appealing. Please for the sake of restricted content the world around, never tone it down!

Yumi favourite new thing.

-Eduardo

andrew skaife wrote 1304 days ago

I did not think comedy and lewdity (I know it is not a word but the poetry seemed to demand it) would work on the same stage but you disavowed me of that belief.

BACKED

L.T. Fawkes wrote 1307 days ago

Outrageous. And funny. I'll back it, but don't tell anybody . . . :)

Elizabeth Wolfe wrote 1341 days ago

Hi Gerry,
I had to stop at Fido's anal secretions, so didn't get into the book in depth. The content doesn't appeal to me. But I will back you because your writing is good. Best of luck with your book!

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

name falied moderation wrote 1364 days ago

Dear Gerry
well you are still
climbing and one expected this
of the book, well I did.
this is a very different kind
of read......and just wanted to let you know, now finished.
I have already commented and backed your book a while ago, but cannot see the backing anywhere. So i am taking the time to back it again because I believe your book is WORTH IT

BEST OF LUCK
Denise

Tim Roux wrote 1408 days ago

The bit I read was very funny and a bit stomach churning. Some sort of cross between Tom Sharpe, J.D. Salinger and whoever the 'Transpotting' guy was. Adventurous.

mclevin wrote 1409 days ago

This is a mad and wonderful comic romp! I likely will not read the entire trilogy though, for fear of tearing my abdominal muscles from violent belly laughs. Kindly desist.

Backed!

Best,

G
Notes on an Orange Burial (a tragicomedy)

Vanessa Darnleigh wrote 1414 days ago

It's a hell of an achievement to make someone really laugh at the written word...congrats I just did, partly it has to be said because I wasn't sure what else to do...I do know I won't be having cheese on toast for a while! Bollocking good stuff...backed absolutely
Stewart
PS I'd love to get a comment from you on mine.eg ch Unspeakable Acts/Perversions of a Parochial Kind

stoatsnest wrote 1437 days ago

You certainly have an earthy cast of characters. This is very amusing. Backed.

Silent Storm wrote 1441 days ago

Gerry Mclellen:

Although this is not my genre, I found myself immersed in the culture. I have visited Japan so I am aware of the communal hot tub. The story is written in such a way that it all sounds believable --the girls selling their panties, everyone being connected to the mafia, etc.although it was not something I was able to experience as my visit was so short lived. I know that some of this is fiction, but the skillful manner in which the story is told makes you a believer.

I find the script fascinating and given Sato's display of insanity, one can only wonder as chapter one concludes what Sato is up to next. Nicely done. Shelved.

Ida L. (Silent Storm)

Tim Greaton wrote 1442 days ago

An interesting take on nude and lewd. Great twists and turns of humor. Shelved! Best always, Tim Greaton

Daniel Manning wrote 1444 days ago

The Cup Snatchers reminds of a book called 'The Virgin Soldiers' lots of tongue in cheek. But I personally draw the line at knob suckng babies being milked. However in the spirit of good humour I'll let you off, because thats how the story reads, a very, very funny parody about a collection of losers. Its not quintessential literature at its best, nor does it pretend to be. Cup Snatchers is a right rollicking comedy, that reads best while your supping on a pint of beer and eating a kebab.

acmlee wrote 1444 days ago

Hi Gerry - Sorry about the delay but I finally found some time to do some reading and i've just checked out the first two chapters of 'The Cup Snatchers'.
Good pitch, interesting first two chapters, introduces two of main characters well, prefered dialogue in second chapter, and good scene setting with background details. Good work.
Adrian Lee

azwrites wrote 1454 days ago

Nicely engaging with characters who immediately become real. I like it.
Jim Coplin
Bite Mark & Troll Tales

tlst wrote 1457 days ago

Great pitch which promises an engaging caper! Tania, This Last Summer

Noman Akbar wrote 1459 days ago

very filthily comic, you seem to have some score to settle with the japanese life. I am not used to reading this type but you wrote very fluently.

plantaen wrote 1461 days ago

Gerry,

I read the first chapter: very, very amusing. It's a curious mixture of the comical and the threatening, different—very refreshing.

If I picked this off the shelf in a bookshop, I'd be very tempted to part with some of my hard earned.

On that basis, I'm going to back this book.

Cheers,
Plantaen aka Ian Taylor: Sirens And Other Tall Short Stories.

scottkenny wrote 1462 days ago

Hi Gerry,
What a hoot. Takes a bit of getting used to - in other words it is different - but it's a great idea. Believable characters developing within a fantastic world.'Different' is 'good' in the book world, so this should appeal to those of us who see the same theme trotted out time and again and want something new..
Shelved,

Blousie wrote 1463 days ago

This isn't a book I'd usually pick up (aimed more at males than females I suspect!) so there were a few passages that jarred with me (yogurt!!). But it's told with style and I can see a market for it in the wider world. Good luck!

Karen
The Kid: A True Story of Cocaine, Corruption, Deceit and Betrayal

ThePenciledOne wrote 1464 days ago

Good writing though the scene here, wasn't really up my alley. Though I can tell you have talent.

-Alexander (A King Created)

Winney wrote 1466 days ago

Not my sort of thing, but crafted. Writing comedy is hard, and yet you tackle it with ease.

Mal Muirhead wrote 1466 days ago

Not wishing to be like Takeuchi or anything but this is flawless. The premise is a bit crazy, but the writing is sublime and generates enough humour to carry it through. The very best of luck with it.
Mal Muirhead

James Shown wrote 1466 days ago

Gerry,

Enjoyed "The Cup Snatchers". Sorry it took so long to get around to it. If you could read the first chapter of THE CROSS AND THE HAMMER, I would appreciate your input as it takes place in Japan. Backed your book with pleasure. Like your style.

James - INTO THE DELTA Series

Debt Collector wrote 1467 days ago

Thanks for asking me to take a look. Great book.

I have backed you.

wvjazz56 wrote 1467 days ago

Very amusing, dialog was great. Backing it with pleasure. Good job Gerry.

Fred Le Grand wrote 1467 days ago

This is very funny.
it is vividly written and the prose, like the dialogue is deft and dextrous.
Great stuff!
Backed

Solrac wrote 1468 days ago

Good stuff Gerry.
Backed

Solrac - THAT IT WAS

Andrew Burans wrote 1472 days ago

You understand the Japanese culture very well and you are extremely naughty in quite the humourous fashion. The dialogue is tight and the character development excellent. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

wespollet wrote 1472 days ago

Hi Gerry, I just past through Narita last week on my way home. The Cup snatchers is is a little risq'ue but I like it. I will back it...hope you have time to read abd back mine. Harold Alvin (ICON) Wesley

Rosalind Barden wrote 1474 days ago

The Cup Snatchers is naughty fun. Backed.
Rosalind Barden
American Witch

AdamDaehnke wrote 1475 days ago

So, as opposed to other comments, I think I am your target audience. This is terrific and hysterical. You've managed to write some of the most jaw-dropping and perverse sentences in a matter-of-fact way... it just breathes tremendous life into the characters and story.

There are a couple of run-on sentences. While perhaps not grammatically incorrect, I believe they may benefit from shortening into several smaller sentences rather than strung on by commas. That's really a nit-pick and style comment though - more of my personal preferences.

Totally unique - I'll never think of Tokyo the same again - Backed already. I'd buy this.

tobystone wrote 1476 days ago

Hello Gerry,

Thank you for your comment on my spider story.

Your ideas are wide-ranging, original and engaging. The first few paragraphs reminded me of the beginning of Superbad. This is, I think, because your style is vivid, fast and does a good job of creating visual images of what you are writing. In many ways, it (your story idea, and the ideas within it) seem as though they would work well as a screen play. (Sorry if this observation comes across as quite pointless... which it probably is!)
I do think that your mind is furiously creative and thus peddles out a lot of comic material. I wonder if the narrative would gain a little by having more of its main action earlier, and seeding the comic scenarios and character imaginations a little more thinly. For instance, the dog anus/knickers idea works very well, but I could see it as an actual interaction- a scene- between characters, and it perhaps stops the story flowing directly to the conversation in the baths. Perhaps the sale could come later, perhaps to one of your less well muscled (brain-wise) Mafiosos. I would also take care in moving from one point of view to another within one scene. The omniscient viewpoint is useful but it can tempt writers into switching from person to person, and I think this should be avoided. Ideally, I would have the narration tilted/angled toward one of the characters, and subtly influenced by their viewpoint.
Your engaging and original idea (-a self-deluded mafia which grows until it has a fair membership- is actually quite poignant, I thought, due to being very much like a real one) is well expressed by your quick mind and jaunty writing style. I particularly enjoyed moments such as the opposition in the banning of Yakuzo, and the pointlessness of doing so.

I hope this helps, Toby

Yaya wrote 1476 days ago

There's not much I can add after 264 comments! I'm probably not your target audience but I enjoyed what I read; it is very funny. I think there are one or two places where you could 'tighten' the writing but overall your prose style is nicely polished. Best of luck with this.

Giulietta Maria wrote 1476 days ago

This is funny, a little gross, but it works! I like the sensations transmitted- the hot, steamy bath melting away all horrible feelings. I don't normally like 'rude' humour, but I could see the character saying 'cheese' lots of times in this nerdy way- it gave me an impression of him as not completely socially savvy. Anyway, backed.

Ransom Heart wrote 1477 days ago

Mount Etna, huh?
Hey mambo, mambo italiano hey mambo . . .
Sexually explicit satire works when it's done well, and it's done well here. The dork-end of your humor is pointed right at the bilious men themselves, and their banality. Backed eariler. Marianne (Saint Paddy and the Sundial)

mike01925 wrote 1478 days ago


Hi Gerry, i have read the first few chapters of you book, and it was my kind of read. I really liked the introduction of the main characters in first chapters, i gave a real sense of something brewing and made you want to get to where the S*** hit the fan (it helps being from Manc too!). In the interests of helping you polish it as much as possible; there were a couple of points when i was reading, (for example the cheese in the penis part), where the joke was extended too much (for me, i just read the word cheese too many times). That problem easily fixed, you could just refer to to yucky yogurt, dairy dirty, or something creative. I had the same problem in my book, the difficulty (of course) is spotting these little thing when you have read the thing so many times!.

Mike


Hope this was helpful.

SusieGulick wrote 1478 days ago

Dear Gerry, I love fiction comedy. Your story is a good read because you create interest by having short paragraphs (you may want to cut the longer ones in 2 or more for an easier read) & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing/commenting on your book to help it advance. Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to back/comment on my TWO books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & the unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories." Thanks, Susie :)

S Richard Betterton wrote 1478 days ago

I've read the first two chapters with a big smile on my face. Very enjoyable. The only thing I'd mention is the number of times you start a paragraph with Sato (a couple of times consecutive paras) and Gino (4 out of 5 paras at start of ch 2.
Apart from that this is very readable. Backed.

Novella Ray wrote 1479 days ago

"She couldn't wait to get into bed and try to and relive the events of the day, and hopefully meet Lenny again in her dreams." Towards the end of chapter 12, I think you want to take out 'and' between 'try to' and 'relive'.
I still love this story, and who knew Lenny had the capacity (and willpower) to actually be a gentleman? I couldn't believe how utterly romantic those two could be.
Excellent story, too bad I can't back up twice.^^