Grumblebug and Me

A Chirged chapters 1&2

Hi Diane,
What a lovely start to a story. Kind of alice but with a companion and not chasing one. I like the premise and think it has great potential but did have a few issues with the consistency of the story and the spacing/structure is a bit all over the place. I made quite a few notes and hope you take them in the helpful manner they were intended:

ch 1

what's with all the spacing? looks a bit untidy.
para 1: comma after higher?
para 2: 'as if for the first time'?
para starting 'this land had': 'the' fairytale gingerbread house, or was there more than 1?

the transition from now to memories of childhood is a bit lumpy maybe an ellipsis after 'melt away...?

para starting 'now, what was': to listen? otherwise it could be the stones that are listening.
para starting 'the sound': 'the sound was like nails on a blackboard and it hurt my ears'?
sentence starting 'he was attending': you were laying for a while winded and weren't sure how long you'd been there, therefore the reference to him attending to what he was doing is contradictory. He attended to YOU and was asking YOU questions, not sure why this sentence is in.
para starting 'was he repairing': comma after dirt?

He didn't ignore you, he asked you if you were ok twice and you ignored him.

gosling, stick? i don't get it.

why did it take minutes to get to the opening, you were right by it?

last sentence: 'You'll' just have to find out? surely he already knows?

A bit 'Alicey' but it's grabbed my attention, like the unfussy nature of our owl/bear!

ch 2

A bit creepy at the start here, our guy seemed friendly to start with.

para starting 'i held my nose': finally spoke? he just said "it's for the best" 2 seconds ago?

what torches? We were under the impression it was super dark, maybe introduce them when the door shuts?

spacing an issue throughout, why all the single sentences? and para starting 'are you listening': he began to (new paragraph) move?

Overall I think it's got great potential, you just need to be clearer and consistent in your delivery. It can't be pitch black one second and torchlit the next and the opening can't be right next to you and then a few minutes walk away, Our guy can't be attentive and caring but described as ignorant...

Best of luck with this, I really hope it comes together as it's a great premise.

Roy.

Grumblebug and Me
Diane Bader illustrations by Don Percassi

CHIRG

A nice, easy to read story. The first chapter gets your attention, it was great how you slipped from now to a younger version of you. Like you said, a childhood memory is brought back to life. Chapter 2 and 3 didn't seem to be going anywhere, they were Interesting, entertaining and I enjoyed reading them but I kept wondering where the action was. Chapter 4 was a bit confusing, to me, at first. What on earth happened? Did I miss something? When I worked it out, I'm a bit slow sometimes, I found it to be a good chapter. Slidges indeed.

Hopefully my comments above aren’t too confusing as the book is a good story deserving some high stars.

I made a few notes whilst reading, all minor editing issues.

Chapter 2:

With the doorway closed the awful smells surrounded me and it felt like they were creeping under my skin
Missing full stop.

Chapter3:

“I suggest we concentrate on what lies ahead.” he said.
Comma, not full stop, inside quotes.

By the light of the torch we could see a little bit ahead to where the passageway slopped left and then right, yet it always headed down.
Sloped not slopped.

Chapter 4:

“Yes we’d like to know that.” the third one added. As if I needed yet another face looming into mine.
Comma, not full stop, inside quotes.

“Well, don’t let us stop you, dear. Keep looking.” the first one barked.
Ditto

“No, don’t let us stop you.” the second one added.
Ditto

“We don’t want you to stop.” the third one chipped in.
Ditto

Charles Knightley
The Secret of Netley Abbey

HI Daiane,
A charming and easy to read story that holds the reader’s attention.
A few points I noticed...
It wasn’t immediate to me that the story had gone back in time and the mother was now a little girl again.
Some of the sentences sound a bit awkward and I’m not sure that’s how you meant to write them - 'Soon I forgot what odd circumstances we were in'

I got the impression that the door in the wall was close but it then took minutes to reach it – that is a long way away.
Slurgled – I like this word and the Slidges!

Alan.

Lottie Baxter and the Fools Gold

Hello Diane,
This is a return review and a Chirg review.

I read the first 5 chapters and thought that this is a lovely book for young children. It’s full of charm and very intriguing. It made me want to keep reading. Where do the tunnels go? What will happen when they get there? This is quite different to the books I’ve been reading on Authonomy lately, in a good way.
Best of luck with this!
Jessica

An odd little tale. I guess we don’t learn the protagonist’s name, though I did find the grumbles’ name for her quite funny. Little Peep. This is a cute kids’ adventure, though there may be a bit too much stopping and snacking. Those slidge tunnels must go on for many many miles! I do hope we get to learn more about the grumblebugs and their predators. With ancient writings of an old grumble seeking help from the outside world, the rare natural minerals, and hints of the slidges’ society, it was a lot of fun.

Diane, Its hard for anyone to comment on the grammar of this book. You just get sunk into the premise of it and before you know it you are too far gone. Its fantastic and I couldnt even imagine how or where this came from. There is a magical flow to the book. Brilliant flow matches the great characters and the pace of how this book goes is off the scale. I loved this and score it high.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

CHIRG REVIEW:

Great story and so well written that drag the reader into it.
I love the characters, the pace, the storyline.
I can not comment on grammar, but I didn't have problem to understand and to follow the chapters I read.
I wish you all the best with your book.
E Santo
Brian Brown Bear and the Strange Horrid Smell

The gentle breeze of your authorial voice blows through the chapters I've read and takes me back to my own childhood. I think you might use your narrator to increase this effect: describe a bit more at the opening...I love the "Friar Tuck haircut" and hill that looks like a bald man and want just a bit more. More phrases like "the stones themselves, listening." I can appreciate the parallel between mother and daughter, history repeating as in Peter Pan. I love the phrase "Now I know how worms feel." It is earthy, repulsive, and magical at the same time. Another favorite: "His ears lay back and his eyes glowed." This is fun and soothing description.

Thoughts: You sometimes use simple past tense rather than the past perfect. Here's an example: "He was attending to what he was doing when I fell--could be "had been doing when I had fallen." This would help to clarify what has happened earlier in the past. There are also places where you use a run-on sentence. Is this intentional? "...with the wind knocked out of me, I opened my eyes, ... I saw who was making the noise" and later "I reeled back from the smell, it was like..." This does create a dreamy effect, but you might want to check out the structure to make sure it's what you want. Other places to check: "sighing as I thought about him and wondered..." (The structure here is incomplete); "while scratching his head" (could be "while he scratched his head") Twice I am surprised by details: in Chapter 1, you mention tools from a backpack. Could you clarify what tools those are? I couldn't find a mention earlier. Then, in Chapter 2 you mention "torches" without having introduced them in description.

As far as formatting, I would recommend you try what I did. I checked my manuscript in Microsoft Word with the formatting showing. Try increasing the text size and being sure there are no extra indents. There are places where your sentences are cut off and bumped down into a new paragraph. I'd be happy to help more if you'd like.

Thank you for letting me read this. I'm excited about where these adventures will lead.

c. ross

CHIRG
Hi Diane, came back and read chapter 3. Still think that this has some lovely moments. There was one present/past tense issue that jumped out at me:
'...like something or someone was being dragged through it and....' I think this should read, '...like something or someone had been dragged through it, and....'
Still enjoyable and magical. Will be back again.
Jane/M.J x

What an interesting start! searching for the scratching sound, the fall, the furry man... and the hook "we'll just have to find out"

how could i not plug away at this story?

second chapter typo, maybe? or did you mean to say this "Was he was-losing patience with me?" i think that second 'was' should not be there.. but I never know if these things are intentional when they are speech or character thoughts...
by the end of this chapter i'm feeling like Alice in Wonderland - and loving it!

the Grumblebug disappears and so does the torch... gosh, these hooky endings are getting me every time!

this is a wonderful read,
thank you for introducing me to this world :)

cheers for now
Jaclyn x
It Never Happened

Read the first two chapters. This is lovely...full of sunshine and daydreams. Pitched beautifully and full of imagination. Grumblebug and me deserves high stars...and that's just what it's going to get! Well done. Charming.

M.J
The Magpie King & Front Crawl Frankie

CHIRG REVIEW
Grumblebug and me/Diane Bader
I decided to continue where I left off somewhere in May when I originally read your very funny and well-written story. The slidges are still at it and Old Grumble still tries to save the day, although Gadrina and Padrina and even Nathan thought (at first) that Old Grumble had been "grumblenabbed" - what a lovely word... fortunately he wasn't and just tried to sort things out with the slidges - being quite unaware of the anguish he's caused everyone. My original rating was HIGH STARS and now I made it HIGHEST. This story has a lot to offer and dialogue among the ssssslidges and everyone else is very natural and believable. Thanks for a heartwarming tale. All the best on authonomy for 2013 every happiness :-)
Maretha
African Adventures of Flame, Family, Furry and Feathered Friends
P.S. I'm watchlisting Grumblebug and me and will not forget to back your lovely story as soon as I've got space available

This is a little like Hans Christian Andersen meets C S Lewis, mixed in with a little Roald Dahl, and that's no bad thing because this author is playing in the same ballpark as some of classic children's books writers. Whereas some fantasy writers concentrate on sugar and spice and all things nice, Diane is stretching away from that current convention and heading for something more erudite, even Pre-Raphaelite in its nature. She has successfully spun visions of rustic and bucolic scenes in which her characters enact their fantasies without resorting to cliche's and template derived plots. Highly starred.

Clive Radford
Doghouse Blues

Dreamily pastoral fantasy world opens in front of a reader as s/he opens a book. Pity I don't get to see the illustrations. They must be quite beautiful.
I was a little confused with the time and who the narrator was at Chapter 1. She has a daughter, then she slips into her childhood memory? A tiny tag somewhere to precise this switch of times would help, I think.
Have fun writing!

R

Diane,

I'm sorry to have taken so long in getting to Grumblebug, but it has been a very busy couple of months for me. But I've read the first three chapters and wanted to give you some feedback.

So far I see much to charm me. I am a sucker for adventures that involve secret passageways, magic walls and strange creatures. Your first three chapters satisfy on all these counts, and I noticed while reading that this would be a fun book to read aloud to children. So far you seem to have a knack for concocting interesting-sounding words. The title "Grumblebug" is the most obvious example, but there are also the sounds that you think up: "ssssffft, sssffft" and "GALUMPH" for example. Very creative and fun to say out loud as you're reading.

OK, now a few comments specific to the chapters, the kinds of things people often help me with. These are just suggestions, of course. Use or ignore as you see fit.

--I think you could do with more commas with your gerund phrases (phrases that begin with an "-ing" verbal), to reflect natural pauses in the sound of your sentences. An example is in the second par. of chp. 1. Try a comma after "higher", before "growing" and see if you think it sounds best with this pause. Another example from the same chapter: "...lost my balance, toppling over the wall..." Doesn't a pause after "balance", before your -ing phrase, sound right here? There are more examples in the chapters I read. You might search using "ing" and review to see where you might need some well-timed pauses with these gerund phrases.

--On the other hand, sometimes you try to join what could be two different sentences, in the same sentence, using only a comma. Sometimes this may be OK, as when you want to join two very short independent clauses that flow well together, but I've always been told that these comma splices are to be generally avoided. An example is in the 3rd par. of chp. 1, where you have a comma after "time". Comma splices can be fixed by using a coordinating conjunction (like "and" "but" and "or") as well as a comma, by a semi-colon instead of a comma, or by simply ending the first sentence with a period (full stop if you are British) and beginning a new one. At least these are the three most common ways to avoid comma splices. There is another example of a comma splice in chp. 1: "...knocked out of me, I opened my eyes and focused, I saw who was making the noise...".

On the creature the girl finds in the wall: surely this would be an interesting creature to meet, but a couple of times I had problems imagining what it was like. One example is when you say its voice is "not quite like yours or mine". This seems too vague to me. Other than saying that it is a "kindly" voice, I find no more specific description of what the voice actually sounds like. "Not quite like yours or mine" could mean nearly anything. I wonder if a more positive description (deep and low, or high-pitched, slow or quick-paced, like a bird or a bear talking?). Also, you say the creature is a cross between an owl and a fuzzy bear. This is surely a fascinating cross, but I, at least, have a little trouble imagining what it actually looks like without a more precise description. I'm not saying you have to describe everything in minute detail, like some modern novelists, but I'm wondering whether this creature has wings like an owl, or not? Does it have a beak like an owl? Or is it essentially a bear-like creature with large, owl-like eyes (which you do describe)? A bit more detail might give readers a little better picture.

--Watch for fragments that are more naturally tied to their parent sentences. In chapter one there is one that begins "Sighing as I thought about him..." If you join this to the previous sentence with a comma, and change "wondered" to "wondering" (to keep parallel structure with "sighing"), I think you'll have a more natural flow and avoid the unnecessary fragment. Or you could rewrite the passage to begin a new sentence: "I sighed as I thought about him..."

chp. 2

--You say the hole is extremely dark at the beginning of the chapter, but earlier you said it was lit with torches. Perhaps you mean the deep passageways betwixt the torch-lit entrances are very dark?

--you write "circular shape". Do you mean a circular "chamber", with several passageways leading from it?

--you say the creature "finally spoke", but he said before that point that "It's for the best", after the doorway shut.

--you make a point to tell the reader that the torches at the entrances to the passageways are fire torches, not electric torches (for British readers' benefit, I suppose), but is this necessary? Why would these passageways, or any passageways, be lit by battery-powered torches affixed to the walls?

--shouldn't it be "Each passageway...see how long it was", rather than "they were"? "Each" is singular.

--It's unclear to me what she's marking the passageways with.

--To me, it seems that there is too much delay before choosing a passageway. This adds unnecessary drag to your story, I think. Don't get me wrong. Unlike some readers, I'm all for interesting diversions amidst well-paced narratives. But this dallying here doesn't add anything to your story, in my opinion. I would consider condensing all of chapter 2 and make it only part of the beginning of a new chapter after chp. 1.

chp. 3

--You mention "ridges" along the passageways, which you say indicate something had been drug through the passageway, but shouldn't these be indentations or scratches embedded IN the wall, rather than ridges that come out FROM the wall? The thing that was drug would dig into the wall, wouldn't it? Of course if the thing drug through the tunnel leaves long indentations in the wall, there will be what seems like ridges between the long scratch marks, but I'm not sure "ridges" most naturally and immediately communicates what you mean.

--You write "It was like being on a scary ride. At last I was on a real adventure!" I don't think there is any need for this. It may even take away from the reader's sense of adventure if the reader has to be told by the narrator that it is really is an adventure. If it is really scary, and really an adventure, the reader will feel it without being told. And if the reader is told it is like a scary ride at an amusement park, it may actually be less of an adventure for the reader, for however scary a ride at an amusement park is, nothing really ever goes wrong (or is meant to go wrong). And the possibility of things going wrong is a key ingredient for all adventures. In that sense a scary ride at an amusement park is not a real adventure. It only simulates a real adventure for the paying customer, so ironically this comment by your narrator may actually (even if only subliminally) make it less of an adventure and less scary for your reader. But of course I may be over-thinking this. If you mean this to be a light-hearted adventure for younger children, all I've just said is not too important. But even young children who like ghost stories, for example, will not like them more, I think, if the narrator tells them how scary things are as the scary things are happening. Perhaps that has a tendency to break the spell you want to cast with the scary things themselves.

--You say the passageway "slopped left and then right" -- typo-- should be "sloped"

Anyhow, I hope at least some of this helps, Diane. I think the situation at the end of chapter three is scary. He's gone. She's all alone, deep within the bowels of a labyrinth of passageways in a magic wall. Interesting predicament!

all the best,

Jeff McInnis--Betwixt the Trees

CHIRG review
This is a lovely story, Diane. Such a shame we can't see the illustrations here. The slidges are inspired! And revolting - which is just what children love! Already very fond of Old Grumble. You have a very 'immediate' writing style which is perfect for drawing the reader in and holding their attention. Wishing you much success with this.
Eva H
Children of the Raven

CHIRG
Enjoyed reading this, but it weaves about a bit with quite a few red herrings..
Ch1 Charming
Ch3 scary ending , though as this is a memory she did get out safe in the end.
Ch9 there seems to be some words missing- between ..,it could be dangerous for all of us" and "Stop moving NOW!" who says this and do you need the double line space?
Ch15/16 the ending doesn't fully satisfies me , (obviously the daughter goes on an adventure,) but it sort of works...

best wishes with this
Cas

What a charming story, Diane. I would love to see the illustrations that would accompany this. It's an easy read and one which I think children of all ages would love. You have a lovely style of writing and some of your descriptions are brilliantly written.

Can't think of any suggestions to improve on this; I really enjoyed reading it. Highly starred and I wish you all the best with it. Well done!

Hi Diane,

CHIRG Review!

Thank you for writing this fun, cute story! It reminds me a lot of Alice in Wonderland, but this one has more twists and surprises! I loved it!

You started very strong and kept it at the same intensity throughout the book. I loved the 'scratching sound!' It's a cute way of getting her attention!

I loved the dialogue. I thought it was perfect for this genre and market. Great job! I give you 5 stars!

If you ever you have some free time, I invite you read and rate my book, L&R. Thank you in advance!!!

D
LEO & ROVER: THE PURPLE MARBLE ADVENTURES

This is a cute little story, giving the excitement to a child of finding something to do "in your own backyard." I like it very much. In the first chapter you switch from first person Mother to first person Child, which is very confusing. You'll have to make that distinction - transition better. I had to read it twice.

Good job.

Abby

Grumblebug and Me.
By Diane Bader. (Illustrations by Don Percassi).


I found this to be a lovely story for the very young child, and well written with this in mind.
It’s not easy writing for this age group—far from it.
I found that you’ve done a really good job with both description and dialogue all the way through.
It’s easy for the reader to recommend changes but that’s because you’ve done the hard work in laying out the book and the storyline that goes with it.
I would always say...It’s your book...you know best—stick to it!
It’s a different case as regards punctuation, advice is always welcome, or it should be.
Getting back to the book—Very good and well thought out.
I read all the chapters as a young child would see it, or hear it read to them.
It’s an intriguing story with its passageways and strange creatures at every corner so to speak.
I’m sure with illustrations; this book will be on the bookshelves in no time.
Love the ending...love the book!
Well done, Diane. Top marks for this!
Highly star-rated!

Best wishes,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – Cosmos 501.

l like your style; it's easy to read and clever...good book
backed
read SEASONS...

I really have enjoyed this. I am already at Chapter 4.

The pacing is very easy to follow. I love your descripitives in the first Chapter.

I like how this brings me back to my childhood, and it somewhat reminds me of Alice in Wonderland what with the White Rabbit and all, but not too mcuh.

It really does bring me back to my childhood though and to how it felt to first read a novel.

I find that this would be a very great read once it is finished and published. I would certainly read this to my children.

I will be backing it later, for now I am watchlisting it.

Best of luck to you.

I thouroughly enjoyed this.

-Deborah

CHIRG

Hi Diane,

I’ve read the first three chapters of Grumblebug and me. This is a lovely story, with a touch of Alice in Wonderland to it. It also reminded me a little of some of the Enid Blyton stories.

I’m not particularly good at making generalised comments, so I’ve gone through and made some more detailed observations. I’m not an expert, though, so take what works for you and feel free to ignore the rest.

Ch 1

1) ‘In a blue summer sky’
There’s a repetition of ‘sky’ in this sentence.
This sentence might be stronger as two. Maybe say something like, ‘The blue summer sky went on as far as the eye could see, wisps of cloud drifting lazily within it. Even inside the house, I could feel the sun getting hotter by the second.’

2) ‘hair cut’
one word

3) ‘playing quite happily’
Try to avoid qualifiers like ‘quite’. They weaken the sentence and make it more difficult for the reader to visualise. If you say she’s playing ‘quite’ happily, they’ll just visualise her as playing happily, so it’s better to just say ‘playing happily’.

4) ‘ “Hey! What are you doing’
new paragraph

5) ‘where the tools had come from’
what tools?

6) ‘ “Ah, good’
new paragraph

7) ‘hurt yourself with such a fall’
the very next sentence you say, ‘such a fool’ which sounds extremely similar. Maybe say ‘like an idiot’ or something instead, just to remove that sense of repetition.

8) ‘was open making’
comma after ‘open’

9) ‘ “Who are you?”
This should be on the same line as ‘to blurt out,’

10) ‘In a kindly voice’
New paragraph as it’s a new speaker.

11) ‘sat down I thought about’
full stop after ‘down’, or 'and' instead of 'I'

12) ‘I blurted out’
comma after ‘out’

13) ‘leave do you?!’
I’d remove the exclamation mark. You’ve already said that she blurted it out, so the reader will read this as an exclamation without needing an exclamation mark.

14) ‘ “What am I getting’
new paragraph

15) ‘cocked his head sideways and said’
There’s a change of tense at this point.
‘cocked’ should be ‘cock’
‘said’ should be ‘say’

Ch 2

1) ‘his hips tapping’
comma after ‘hips’ otherwise it sounds as though his hips are tapping his foot

2) ‘I thought .Inside’
full stop needs to be shifted

3) ‘several passageways, leading off’
remove comma or it sounds as though the circular shape is leading off

4) ‘closed behind me’
full stop after ‘me’

5) ‘ “Did you have to’
new paragraph

6) ‘I stammered out’
I’d remove ‘out’. It’s superfluous.

7) ‘thinking that’s all’
comma after ‘thinking’, unless ‘that’s all’ is what your mc is thinking.

8) ‘a little bit’
‘bit’ is superfluous here.

9) ‘and began in earnest to take in just how big’
This is a little convoluted. Maybe say something like, ‘and began to realise just how big’ instead. It says essentially the same thing but more directly.

10) ‘no clue, or help in that matter either’
Are you still talking about tall people fitting into them? I’m a bit unsure what this sentence is referring to.

11) ‘ “Well?” he said.
New paragraph

Ch 3

1) ‘from blurting out’
comma after ‘out’

2) ‘Ow stupid wall’
comma after ‘Ow’

3) ‘for the feet’
I’d change ‘the’ to ‘my’ as it’s only the mc’s feet that would speed up when the mc leans forward. ‘the’ feet sounds like all feet, not just the mc's.

4) ‘another round of laughing’
‘laughing’ (or ‘laugh’) has been repeated a lot in these last few sentences. Perhaps replace ‘laughing’ with something like ‘merriment’ here?

5) ‘ahead than me, I wondered’
full stop after ‘me’

6) ‘blew harder this time and the torch’
I’d remove ‘this time’. The sentence has a lot more impact without it – and it’s such a great sentence to end the chapter on.


This is a lovely story, with a nice mix of dialogue and narrative and a gentle style that would suit young children. Grumblebug is the sort of character that kids would be intrigued by. I can see this as a read aloud book for bedtime. Good work.

Sue

CHIRG Review

Hi, Diane,
I enjoyed your story. It brought back my childhood years of listening to and watching Alice in Wonderland.
As others have said, do be careful in making the story your own. Think back to your own childhood, where you lived, the people you knew, and places you have been. Think of new and innovative ideas to add to your story.

I like Grumblebug. He is a cute character. Maybe he can carry and use some type of electronic device. And maybe the device could do something cool.

Many have given you grammatical suggestions which will greatly enhance your story. Keep thinking and writing. Your persistence will soon be rewarded!

Sara Stinson
Finger Bones

CHIRG Review:

Hi Diane, I was hesitant to read this because neither of your pitches give much away (in relation to the actual story). I don't think there would be any harm in embellishing them a bit. As soon as you mentioned 'secret passageway' and 'underground world' I started thinking of Alice In Wonderland.

I'm not sure whether I agree with Tod's comment regarding the first line. I think he's right, but then if the narrator's mind is wandering would he/she notice the sun was getting hotter by the second? If your MC's indoors it seems like a redundant observation. I think wisps of clouds reads better than wisps of cloud.

I'd consider maybe re-phrasing your third sentence. Something like - As I scanned my eyes over the old stone wall, I got swept up in forgotten memories. I'm not sure I understand Friar Tuck hair cut? Watch your spacing as some of the text seems out of place. Any page breaks can be edited out before you upload a Chapter.

I'd switch 'what or who' to 'who or what was making . . . ' Also, 'It looked like someone was there . . . ' If the narrator was small and flat against the stone, how could she topple over the wall? 'I sat down I thought about him . . . ' This is awkward. When the Grumblebug starts to pace and talk to himself it seems very copycat of the white rabbit.

I quite like the story for an opening Chapter, and the dialogue carries with it a light charm. Be careful to make ideas your own, as this is bound to draw comparisons. Modern fairytales need to suit the times we live in, or face lacking relevance. Children are growing up in a very different society, especially with such rapid advances in technology.

You can use my comments, or discard them as you wish. Time permitting, I would like to come back to this before I give it a rating. The story hasn't really kicked into gear and it seems unfair to offer a final judgment based on an opening Chapter (although several people have done this to me).

Good luck with it,

Ben - Franky Frog's Worldwide Travelogue

I like your Grumblebug character, and the story is quite creative overall. Secret passageways are always fun to explore, and this is no exception here.
Critique-wise, I'd say careful line-editing to make sentences flow better couldn't hurt.
For the opening line, I'd suggest inverting the order. "I let my mind wander while I gazed out the window" is a little awkward -- even though both actions happen simultaneously, I'd introduce them in the reverse order: "I gazed out the window and let my mind wander" or "I was gazing out the window, my mind wandering"
The bit about scanning across the stone wall is also awkward. Are you looking at the stone wall, or across the stone wall? And if this takes your mind back, it sounds contradictory to say it was like seeing it for the first time. Maybe you're saying something like, "I loved looking at the old stone wall, as it brought me back to my childhood and the first time I saw it".
Of course, ignore my comments if you don't like'em. Best of luck with this!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

I could visualize it. You take the reader alongside, and I think it will appeal to kids and grab their interest. Wonderful descriptions, adventure, and overall an interesting journey. Well done!
Donna
No Kiss Good-bye

CHIRG
I just read the first 4 chapters and found it to be just what children like.
It's full of interesting descriptions and creatures from your vivid imagination and you drew me into your story, making me want to find out what happens next.
Love the title of the book and I hope I will find out soon where this passageway leads.
The whole thing reminds me of a cross between Alice in Wonderland and the film Labyrinth.
Nice one!
Mike.
(Rudolf Goes Bananas)

CHIRG Review

This is an enchanting story and I think children will really enjoy all the strange creatures your MC meets.

The pacing is excellent and you get moving with the story nice and quickly. I like the introduction of the Grumblebug and I think you will have readers wanting to read on to find out what will happen to your MC next. I also think you describe your MC's mixture of fear and excitement well.

You describe the grumblebug well but I did wonder whether he was human like. Is he a little man or an animal - I wasn't sure.

I loved the line 'trailing my stick behind me like a gosling.'
In the second paragraph of chapter One I think you could change the wording round a little to avoid the repetition of 'sky'.
'I sat down I thought about him.' probably needs to be I sat down and thought about him.
I loved the line 'The kind with fire not batteries.'
The ending of Chapter Three is wonderfully dramatic.
The three slimy, hairy things are very comic. I imagine children will delight in the spittle and slime and the way they repeat each other.
I think you have a definite talent for writing for children and this is a magical tale of adventure that I can see capturing their imaginations.
High stars from me
Kirstie
The Girl who Ran with the Wolves

This is a CHIRG review

Grumblebug and Me

Straightaway, I like the title. I’ve read some of your comments below and I disagree that we need to know the gender of the MC. It’s clear from the pitch that it’s a woman/little girl but I’d be entirely happy never to know in the main text. I can’t imagine what possible difference it could make. A child of either sex could imagine themselves in the story.
The story seems well-suited to younger children (especially because of the way Grumblebug is described and pictured) but some of the language might be a bit difficult. I wondered about “in earnest” and “respective heaps.” (Although I like “respective heaps”)

I think your short pitch should start with a capital letter. The long pitch reads a bit like a synopsis, since it details the plot. For the purposes of autho, it might be better to leave some surprises for us. I’ve read the first four chapters and I’ve added some close crit in case that’s helpful to you.

Close crit

Ch 1

Stone wall should be two words in this case. Later, you do have it as two words.
“it hurt my ears…” Doesn’t need “it” because you refer to “The sound” before the commas.
“I felt strangely surprised that he could speak.” It isn’t strange at all that she is surprised!
“like a gosling” is lovely.

Ch 2

Grumblebug is described as both unwilling to show the MC anything, and impatient to do just that.
The word “torches” will make a modern child think of flashlights with bulbs and batteries. They could do with describing, I think.

Ch 3

The formatting, (especially the spaces between the paragraphs) seems random. It’s better to stick to some sort of system. Readers like a lot of white space on the page but here I’m finding I don’t know where to expect it.

Ch 4

“without anything much to loose.” This should be “lose”. Just a typo.
I like the “Even more stillness” line, and also “like a zoom lens on a camera.”
“I don’t know” doesn’t make sense. The MC does know if she has found any food yet. That was the question, not whether there was some.
I love the multi-zipped backpack.

I read Alice in Wonderland recently and this, as others have said, has plenty of similarities to that story. In particular, the slidges would fit in well in that world too.

This is a sweet children’s book and Grumblebug himself is a great, weird little character. With just a bit of tidying up, you’ve got a lovely story here with some brilliant turns of phrase. Highly starred!

Lucy

CHIRG review

This is a nice idea for younger children. I am sure that illustrations will add to the fantasy world. Is there any way we can see them via a link? This feels like the kind of book an adult would read to a child, although a lot of the vocabulary is pitched too high for this target group. I stand guilty of sometimes using vocab that is a little to challenging but it is well wortth going back over the MS and finding a simpler way of saying the same thing.
I wasn't sure if the MC was a boy or girl and would like a little description of them (although illustrations would help with this).
At the opening to chapter 4 you write 'Sitting down quickly with eyes were shut ...' doesn't make sense

I think this is an enchanting story - just the sort of total fantasy that young children enjoy. With some tight editing and illustrations it could prove a real gem.

Starring and wishing you all the best with it.

Debbie

CHIRG review,

Hi there, Diane,

This is a very sweet story. I loved the description of Grumblebug, his teddybear like appearance and moving ears. I also like the Alice in Wonderland-esque journey down the tunnels by torchlight and the little man's comical ways. Your pitch is excellent and really gripped me before I even started reading. Still I don't think you should give the whole story in the pitch or else it doesn't leave us with much to imagine.

I'd really like to see how the pictures fit with the narrative, perhaps you could put them on another website and post a link so that we can see them. My biggest advice would be to simplify some of the language, especially on the opening page where we see things from the mother's perspective. I just felt it was too adult for your target audience.

The other thing I would do would be to give the main character more of a reason to go with Grumblebug. She just follows him without even knowing his name. I realise you have him not answering his questions in order to make him quirky but I think there are other ways of doing this whilst still giving some realistic motivation. To me it felt like you had read so many similar stories in which children enter magical worlds that you just expected your MC to want to do the same.

Overall though this is a very nice story with some very sweet descriptive touches.

Here are my close observations on the first 3 chapters.

Tracing the stonewall surrounding our house with my eyes
With the verb broken up it isn’t very smooth, I’d say I SCANNED MY EYES ACROSS THE STONEWALL….

It was like seeing it for the first time standing still as a statue just looking and taking everything in.
- Are you standing or the wall – I’d split this into two sentences

hill leaving A kind of Friar Tuck hair cut

The sound ---was like nails on a blackboard--- nasty but at the same time, I felt like I was a magnet as it was pulling me closer.
-this sentence doesn’t flow at all and I don’t understand why you have put the hyphens.

I guessed that was where the tools had come from
-what tools, you haven’t mentioned any

He must have noticed me blatantly staring at this opening
-what is the age range for this book, a lot of the language seems too complicated compared to the word count which would suggest it is more for under-sevens.

Not liking to be ignored,
-I’d say – NOT ENJOYING BEING IGNORED

What am I getting myself into?” I thought to myself,
- Rep of myself, just say – …I thought.

Ch 2

someone’s

bag and then buried. MY new found friend didn’t
-split sentence in two

He doesn’t tell her to choose a passage, you just leave the reader to assume that’s what she has to do, I think he should explain things more.

Each passageway was roundish in SHAPE.

to notice that he HAD begun to stir at last.

CH 3
“We must follow.”
-follow what? Not clear.

while we came to a larger space WHICH only had one way

to rummage through it, first one pocket, then another
-first comma! You should check through your whole document for commas as you often miss important ones.

Even though my friend had a hairy face the fruit juice was sticky
-these two facts are not contradictory, why do you put “even though” ?

Collapsed on the floor we lay in our respective heaps trying so hard not to make the other one laugh for fear that it would spark another round of laughing that by this time would surely result in one of us exploding!
-several commas missing

“I said can you feel a breeze?” I was confused.
-I think there’s something missing before this point, she didn’t say anything

These are all just little things that can be easily corrected.

Starred, best of luck,

Benedict

I am here for our reading swap and CHIRG review. I have read the first four chapters.
So this reminds me of a cross between James and the Giant Peach and Alice in Wonderland - a fantastical adventure story for children. I have a few comments to make which I hope you will find useful. Please feel free to ignore any you do not agree with. I'm no expert, after all!
You have nice short chapters which I think are perfect for children and will encourage them to read on to find out what will happen next.
I was a bit confused by your mc. Is it a girl or a boy? Do you actually say? I would also like to have some kind of an idea of what they look like, a physical description.
I think a bit of editorial work on your ms will tighten it up and make it an enjoyable read.
Ch 3
'I said can you feel a breeze?' Has he'she said this before that she says I said?
Ch 4
'Sitting down quickly with my eyes were shut' should be 'with my eyes shut'
'Picturing me crawling around . . .' is an awkward sentence. Maybe 'Imagining myself crawling around in the dark . . . made me feel ridiculous.'
'And than' should be And then
I'm not sure who the mc starts talking to about the slidges - might be good to make it clear.
You have created some great characters, you now need to think a bit more about the structure of your writing to ensure that it flows and that the reader is carried along with your mc on their adventure. It promises to be a great ride!
A good start.
All the best
Julia
Shadow Jumper

I'm back to read more of my favourite book

Hi Diane,
Children's books are not my thing, so I've stuck to a basic proof-read:
"With my eyes I traced the stones ... emotions from the past." - slightly clunky sentence.
"the wall had been built lower down the hill leaving kind of a Friar Tuck hair cut down one side" what wall? I don't understand, can't picture what you mean.
"... I remembered; I had..." - odd line break.
"that was where the tools had come from. " - what tools? No mention of these earlier that I can spot.
"he repeated, “I am glad" - new speaker takes a new paragraph.
"... getting myself into?” I thought to myself," - earlier you included direct thought within the prose.

Good hook at the end of the chapter.

I hope this is a little bit helpful.

Lindsay
A Priest's Tale

Dear Diane, Thank you so much for such a charming, well-thought out imaginative children's story. We have all been in this imaginary world some time or other during our young lives. So we want to maintain or regain the magic, that's one of the reasons we write what we do.
Having said that, I hope you will take the critique I'm about to give in the spirit it's given.
When you write your pitch you speak of "a mother" and the adventure "she" had. To me the third person narrative works well when telling stories to children, because they identify with that third person, i.e. the character.
Ch 1, par three: You wrote "With my eyes I traced the stones..." What about "My eyes traced..." or third person "Her eyes traced..." Also "I became hypnotised..." What about "I or she felt hypnotised..." (It's just a suggestion)
Throughout ch 5 - 9 I Liked the dialogue with Old Grumble, Nathan and the narrator. Dialogue is of course the backbone to making the characters real, but if I may just suggest that you need to set the scene, especially look at ch 14. Children need to form a picture of the circumstances and the background, who is talking, Thus repetition is not all together a bad thing. It makes the story a bit more flowing, for example "Nathan Dear, can we do this quickly? (full stop missing but use a ?) I don't mean to push, but Padrina and I are quite cold in here,"(add) said Gadrina shivering from the cold.
Nathan shouted excitedly:"Gadrina you are brilliant," as he (instead of Nathan and a new senctence, make it a clause and carry on) grabbed each sister in turn, (drop and) hugging them. (continuous tense flows better).
Maybe it's just the upload, I also had so much trouble with it, but try to bring paragraphs together. I wasn't quite sure whether ch 12 and 13 was going to be just some kind of illustration like a certificate. The print is a bit too flowery and children don't read it very well at a young age.
Nevertheless the tale is lovely and for young minds, completely believable. So high stars from me.
kindest regards
Maretha/African Adventures of Flame, Family, Furry and Feathered Friends

Grumblebug and Me is crisp and fluid with a touch of melody. I love it.

maximum stars

CHIRG & reading swap.

Hi Diane,
perfectly pitched for children. The story is intriguing and I liked the characters you introduced. My main niggle was that I felt at times that I couldn't quite visualise what was going on very well, which made the writing lack atmosphere. There didn't seem to be enough colour or texture or smell. It didn't really come alive for me. Now you could argue that it's better to keep the language and descriptions simple for children, but it's those words that really pull your readers in to the story, and children need to be pulled in as much as anyone.
e.g. At the beginning of chp 2, you have a 'terrible smell' but what does it smell like? Also you describe the dimensions of the passageways and where the torches are but I want to know, are they stone passageways, earthen, or lined with bricks, that seems more important that their dimensions to building the atmosphere.

Hope that helps,
5 stars from me!
all the best,
Sharda.
P.S. Please take a look at mine when you get the time.
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

A good book, with nice cover. the weird man, cudly beatrown, the house. overal good story.

Could not read chapter 12 because of the colour.

Diane

This is a very nice story. I can see a lot of parents reading it to their children just before bedtime and those children dreaming of a wonderland they can travel to while asleep. It's a pity Authonomy can't provide the illustrations - are they available on another website? If so could you put up a link so that the readers can view the entire book?
Well done on the fabulous story.

Diane

This is a very nice story. I can see a lot of parents reading it to their children just before bedtime and those children dreaming of a wonderland they can travel to while asleep. It's a pity Authonomy can't provide the illustrations - are they available on another website? If so could you put up a link so that the readers can view the entire book?
Well done on the fabulous story.

Diane,
This is fabulous children's fiction- comical and exciting, sweet an interesting, mysterious and clear.
I will give you a longer review when I have more time. For now, I must say that I would gladly give this to my children to read, which is the highest compliment I can pay it.
High stars.
Best,
Maeve

Hi Diane,

So far, I've read the opening chapters of this and I completely loved it. You keep it simple and friendly, perfect for kids. Your details are sufficient and your dialogue is realistic and easy to read. I loved the narrator's voice! There's never really a dull moment which is always good in a kid's book. One little boring scene and I would've given up reading. That odd little man is a very interesting character...I wasn't really sure who or what he was exactly but I still found him likable.

I loved it, highly starred! :)

I am happy to have come across Grumblebug and Me. I love the idea its so quirky and fun I still need to read more Highly starred your on my watchlist.

Grumblebug and Me, opens with a very simple premise; A mother and child in a garden of sorts, and the mother begins to remember her childhood, and a unique experience she had rises from her memories. What follows will get the attention of every child!

I'm not used to critiquing childrens stories, but I am a picky reader, especially my own work, so it's hard not to edit as I go. I assume the writers here are looking for serious and honest reviews. Of course, everything I point out is my opinion and can be rejected entirely. I hope Diane will take my thoughts as honest things which held me up. Not to say that they may be my own personal opinions and not necessarily shared by anyone else. I enjoyed the first chapter and look forward to reading more.

Grumblebug & Me; By Diane Bader

- With my eyes I traced the.... (not sure the age of the readers here, but I wondered if "...realized a host of thoughts and emotions..." might be said in simpler terms, that is, if it's being read to young children...)
- I became hypnotized, as if..... (In this paragraph, the word "house" is used four times. Personally, I would try some different words to describe the "house". IE: home, cottage, place, structure. etc.)
(A couple things at this point. The transition wasn't totally clear as the "mother" suddenly is the child hearing her own mother calling. Might be confusing to a child. Also, not sure why there are so many spaces between paragraphs...?)
- I made myself as small and flat as.... (Notice there are a lot of "I's" in this paragraph. A personal nit-pick for me when reading in the first person. It's hard not to use "I" but I'd recommend re-writing so that it's not overused. Quick example: I had to be careful so as not to be seen.)
- What was it? It looked like it was.... (I've been taught not to use the word "it" as well as others. "It", imo, is better replaced with what "it" is... There are many times when I do use the word but I try to do so sparingly. Quick example: What was that scratching? I thought I saw someone, but they were too small to be a grown-up.
- I must have looked like such a fool, gaping the way I did, but I just couldn't believe what I was seeing. (A "one sentence paragraph" with four "I's". I won't continue to mentions the I's, but I recommend going through the manuscript and finding wherever they can be removed. Quick example: I must have looked like such a fool, gaping at the small creature, but I just couldn't believe my eyes.)
- One of the stones at the base.... (Imo, this reads awkwardly. Recommend editing this to make it smoother. IE: One of the stones at the base of the wall appeared to have been moved, creating a small doorway!)
- Apart from his backpack and overalls.... (Couple things here. Don't remember the mention of her size, so "...his size was pretty close to mine..." leaves me wondering what that is? Also, I always look for things that don't move the story forward, or, don't need to be there. In this case, a few things. To tighten it up, here's an example:
He wore overalls and carried a backpack, and might easily be mistaken for a child, except that he was covered with fur. When he smiled, his ears lay back and his large eyes glowed. He looked like a cross between a cuddly bear and an owl!
(Just a thought. When reading, I'm continually distracted by the different gaps between paragraphs. Personally, I would suggest the accepted spacing after each paragraphs by just hitting enter ... or at least keep them all the same, as the spaces vary. Also, using a margin or tab at the beginning of each paragraph might be a consideration... with all the varying spaces, it feels as though the writer isn't concerned with making it read professionally. This might seem picky, but I wonder how many readers will also be distracted because of this.
- He was still attending to what he was doing.... (I'm confused here. She said to him, "Who are you?!" Then he responded by repeating, "I am glad that you were not hurt in the fall." Then she says, "Not liking to be ignored...". It seems he didn't ignore her but rather just didn't tell her what she wanted to hear...who was he? Just saying, this might seem confusing to some...
- Was he repairing the stone.... (Recommend deleting "suddenly" in this paragraph. )
- Abruptly, he asked,... (recommend deleting "Abruptly". Maybe: "So," he asked, "would you like to see?" Just trying to get rid of some adverbs you don't need...
- "Oh well. Maybe you are not the one then." He sighed, picked himself up, (AND?) gathered his backpack.
- Not wanting him to go, I blurted out... (Recommend changing "blurted" as she very recently "blurted" already.)
Finally, I believe the author is trying to keep a simple flow with all the short lines but I wonder if it will actually read smoother if some of them were "bundled" up into fuller paragraphs...?
Thanks, Diane, for sharing!!!

What a nice read. Enchanting and funny.
Just like the good books, I remember as a child.
I love your two main characters, they are jolly and well thought out.
I like your main idea and also I love the title.
Well done.

Hi Diane,

I’m here for our read swap. So sorry it’s taken me so long to get here. Below are my findings/comments. They are, of course, my humblest opinions, so take them for whatever they’re worth.

First, I love, love, LOVE the title. Perfect.

In your short pitch, “a” should be capitalized, and that emdash (which is too many dashes, by the way. An emdash is two dashes, a hyphen is one) isn’t needed and doesn’t do much for you. I’d replace it with a comma.

I’d replace the exclamation with a period. They’re overused.

“A mother gazing out a window in her backyard.” For a pitch, the first line is very important. This isn’t much of a hook.

“In meeting Grumblebug…” This whole sentence doesn’t work, because you’ve connected two subordinate clauses without an independent clause. Needs a rewrite.

Not sure why you’re breaking up thoughts into separate paragraphs. Makes for a choppy read.

I absolutely love the premise, but this pitch needs a good, hard scrub to be honest. Nothing to fret. Most of the pitches on Authonomy aren’t the best. Frankly, I don’t think mine’s all that spectacular, though I’d like to think it’s improved from what it was following some great advice and feedback from reviewers on the site.

Chapter one

Great imagery right off the bat. One small thing, in the second paragraph, you say “sky” twice in the same sentence. Change it up a bit to avoid redundancy. Maybe “…by the second with wisps of cloud drifting lazily by.”
Again, you break up thoughts too much. I think paragraphs two, three and four need to be the same paragraph.
I’m having a hard time with the image of eyes tracing the stones. Studied? Surveyed? Followed? I dunno. Might just be me, but that one doesn’t sit well with me.

The semicolon in the fourth paragraph isn’t the best punctuation there. Semicolons are generally used in lists or to separate independent clauses. A comma would work best here.

Be careful not to overuse “ly” adverbs.

What a fun start, and what an intriguing world you create. Some of the images are wonderful, and really fit with your narrator’s voice. My biggest advice is to tighten the writing. There’s some wordiness in there, and also you have a tendency to break EVERYTHING up into multiple paragraphs when they best fit as one paragraph. I’m all for parsing things out, but every sentence or two doesn’t warrant a whole new paragraph. Keep single thoughts together, unless there’s dialogue in between.

I’m really not an expert on children’s books, but I think it still needs some scrubbing. That said, the storytelling and plot are excellent. And I really love your voice. Kids will love this.

Best of luck!

Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

The first chapter is interesting and fun. I think we have all had imaginary friends growing up and this brought out the child in me as I read, but as I went on, I began to wonder if the odd little man was in fact the MC's imagination or real. I know I will have to come back and read on when I have more time to find out.

I am not good with critiques and I spend more time on the story and plot itself than I do looking for mistakes. The only thing that jumped out at me was about the middle of the first chapter where the MC meets the little man. It seemed repetitive as she waited for him to answer. You could fill that in there perhaps with her watching him as he worked. Describe his work as she waited. Other than that all I can suggest is to remove some of the white space between your lines. It's very distracting. I would only leave a few lines between the present and the future and tighten the rest.

I found your first chapter interesting enough to place this on my watchlist. I want to read more before adding anything else to my comments. I hope this was helpful and I wish you lots of luck with your book.

Jennie Lyne Hiott
Hearts and Lies
Beautiful Disaster
The Other Road

Okay, I read through the Chapter 12 and then to Chapter 13...that I see is "missing." I like this a lot. Never seen anything quite like it. You make the reader a part of your journey making this public safety commissioner "real." They're even taking pages from the book! A really nice touch. How did it come to you? Good luck! Also, I like the purple font.

Best,

Ashley