Perfect Crime

Ooh an icy, gripping opener. I could almost feel the water sucking the car down. Read the first two chapters. A gripping read - great dialogue and pacey as hell. Are you really writing a book together? Can't imagine doing that!
Shelved.
Sheila

The prologue and first chapter reeled me in. I think you've developed this story really well. The relationship between Scott and Tessa is set up effectively - the tension between them is certainly apparent. I like your writing style and it would definitely encourage me to continue reading!

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created most memorable main characters in Tessa and Scott. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing makes your crime thriller a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Fair crits.

Enjoyed what i've read. Well written, with plenty of dialogue which helps the story to move along. BACKED

M&GK - The Demons of Doubt.

The site is acting wonkish yet again this morning for the second day so I apologize for the generic comment but both pitches do work for me. If you want a real comment, contact me after the site is back to normal. Meanwhile, you are SHELVED!

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key
Authonomy's #1 rated commentator

This is a good story. You have good characters in Crawford and Tessa. A reader can feel the tension between them from the start as one wants to investigate what is happening and the other wants no investigation. I haven't visited Chicago for a long time so a big plus reading this for me was recognizing the street names and sights you describe. You write dialogue well. Your writing style is good. Bottomline: this is a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

B. J. and Haven,

Perfect Crime is well written with a nicely tangled plot and complex, engaging characters. Scott and Tessa are in competition and conflict from the start, but it's clear that they're more alike than different and will end up together in some fashion. I read the first three chapters, then jumped to chapter 21. I like how Tessa's awakening scene in 21 exactly parallels the one in chapter 2. It's a nice touch that shows that even though she has changed, she's still the same.

I noticed in a few places that a scene would begin with Scott's POV, then segue almost seamlessly to Tessa's. I kind of like that, in that it demonstrates that they are co-protagonists and share narrative duties when they are together. But it is also a little jarring because most of the time, a given scene remains in one or the other's POV. Mostly, it works and is not confusing, but some readers won't like it.

It looks like you've done a thorough proofreading job already -- well done! It's very clean. I noted just a handful of tiny nitpicks:

A formatting matter: your paragraphs aren't indented. It doesn't matter so much on Authonomy, but in a standard manuscript, they should be.

Ch 1

Is the name of the restaurant "Gino's Restaurante" or "Gino's Ristorante"? How authentically Italian is it supposed to be?

"A moment." She said, joined him . . .
I think you want, "A moment," she said, and joined him . . .

I'm on a one-person crusade to get people to spell out "All right."

Ch 3

" . . . owned and operated by none other 'business' interests."
I'm not sure what you're going for here. Did you mean "none other than" or "some other" or just "other"?

That's it! Well done, and happily backed.

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY
TIME SQUARED

Nice opening, great prologue.

Good dialogue fleshed out the characters and pushed the story along. You writing is very engaging and easy to follow, I enjoyed this – Good luck

Perfect Crime – “Fair Critter” critique

Pitch:
Solid pitch, lays it out and gets me ready for the book. Only niggle: “her Italian heritage falls into the mix” didn’t quite make sense until I read on. At first, I wanted to ask, “The mix of what?” That’s minor, and possibly due to me having a weird Saturday.

Ch1:
I like the little prologue or prelude (or whatever you would call that). It’s quick, hooks interest, and moves on. Then into the chapter, smooth reading, good introduction of the MCs … the mystery is drawing me in.

Only little things to note. A little odd that Scott notes most days he tries not to get close enough to identify the fragrance, then immediately goes to her office. An “enter” echo when he goes in. I’m not sure why, but the timing of the bit where Tessa says she doesn’t drink felt off.

In the opening of the second scene, “from the Tribune” doesn’t seem necessary – we just left there, so the automatic assumption would be that Scott came from there.

“A moment.” she said, joined him, but … this needs help.

An odd perspective shift as Scott gets ready to leave and sees Tessa. It says he sees her back, but then that she smiles. Are we still in Scott’s POV, or now Tessa’s? If the former, does Scott understand Italian, then?

Ch2:
The intrigue continues to build nicely, and while getting to know the characters better, more questions about them are also raised. Good stuff.

Weird note: I don’t really think of pillows as being *in* a bed. A person, yes, but pillows would be *on* a bed.

The sunlight was streaming through the “open” windows, but G.J. pulls back the drapes? What was meant by “open” earlier?

The section just before G.J. is scared off by the thump at the door feels a little awkward for some reason. Maybe because I thought he was impatiently searching for a Bible, and then it shifts to him being flirtatious? Something just didn’t mesh there.


Ch3:
Pretty smooth sailing in this chapter. I continue to be intrigued by the little clues and developments. (Here and earlier, there are occasional slips with punctuation, especially around dialogue – something to watch for.)

owned and operated by none other “business” interests – something’s off here

Ch4:
Starting each chapter with a sound of some sort is interesting – sets the auditory stage rather than the visual.

Seems like Scott’s article on finding Darla’s body should indicate time of death. She was found that morning, but had she died just the night before, or longer ago? Especially with the line about not knowing her whereabouts from March 19 to “present date” I felt the lack of TOD was a bit of a hole.

I don’t usually think of a New York accent as having a “twang” – that’s more like Texas – but maybe that’s just me.

As I went through this chapter, I realized that with the effort to keep Tessa’s past a little mysterious, I haven’t completely connected with her. I didn’t really feel the impact of Darla’s death – the words were all there to indicate she felt the blow, was trying to hide it from Scott – but I didn’t totally feel it. The mystery has been pulling me along, but maybe just a few little details are needed to help the reader care about the characters more. Just a thought.

Overall, I think this is well on its way. Hope some of my thoughts are helpful, and good luck!

R.C. Lewis (Fingerprints)

a silly nit, but I felt "or for him" at the end of the prologue would have read smoother as "or for himself"
Very good prologue by the way. Caught my attention, good writing, and clever.
Onto chapter 1:
I would punctuate the following sentence this way: The left Scott with the archives; first the stacks of prior editions on his desk and now the computerized logs.
Comma's used as soft periods confuse me. You might even want a colon there though, might want to look into that.
the vanity of squinting--clever!
missing punctuation here: "Darla Perelli," he said Her eyes...
Silly stuff like punctuation aside, this read very well. The words flowed nicely on the page.
I like how you keep the clue a secret! I want to know what it is. Very clever writing her. You really let your characters do their thing. I love character driver stories. Great pace and dialogue.
Adding this to my WL so I can give it some time on my shelf soon!
xBeccaX
The First Phoenix

FAIR CRITTER REVIEW - Perfect Crime

Nice prologue but is it necessary?

Ch1 - Well done narrative--never forced, very visual. This time, however, I noticed most of the dialogue was enclosed within it, which made for kind of choppy sounding conversation. Try leaving more dialogue by itself and trust the reader to see and hear whoever’s speaking.

Pov shifts from Scott to Tessa and back again. This presents a distance for the reader.

Some writers put foreign languages in italics and I think that works well.

Ch2 - …pillows in (on) the bed …

She’s hungover so is she an alcoholic or is this just a occasional thing?

Ch3 - I like the scene in the church.

ch4 - Great hook!

Overall, this is a very confident writing. Very readable. My only suggestions would be to focus the pov in each scene or chapter to one character at a time, which would bring the reader a little closer. There is a distance in this book I didn’t feel in your other one. The characters don’t stand out for me. What we know about Tessa, we learn from G.J., it seems, in what he says to her, and Scott . . . he’s pretty flat. With the rivalry they obviously have, their interactions could be a lot more charged—but I’m not talking sexually! Although later, maybe . . . :-)

Excellent dialogue. Seriously. Some of the best I've seen here.

Anyway, this is a slow-building mystery but maybe a little too slow. It seems to lack a certain depth that comes from knowing the characters better than we do now and a sense of urgency that will really propel it along. Who was Darla and why should we care? Who is Tessa and why should we care that she denies her drinking? What made her start? The scene in which Tessa wakes up hungover is very good—it says a lot about her—she’s flawed. Juggling two MC’s is tough and usually works better on film than in a book so you may have make a decision—do they both have enough at stake to carry this story together?

No question you’re an excellent writer and I have every faith this grows into something remarkable as it goes along. Backed without question. –Barb (Silent Hoofbeats)

This feedback is perfect. I've been debating about rewriting this from Tessa's perspective. If we did it would offer more opportunity to explore the backstory and move Scott more as a foil (which he really is right now). I think that and deleting some of the over description would allow us to focus.

Keep it coming. I'm holding off on posting any rewrites (except the obvious typos) until we're through the cycle.

######### FAIR CRITTERS ##########

This isn't my preferred genre. I read the first 3 chapters, let it soak in, and here's what I've got.

I tried to put myself in the head of someone who reads this genre. You lay out the progression of facts competently, successfully wrapping them in well paced scenes. I didn't feel that things were being spelled out to me in a clumsy fabricated manner, and each new piece of the puzzle helped weave together a viable plot. The conflict between Scott and Tessa and their parallel investigations gave enough hints, and anticipation, that the two would eventually collide (both in their investagations and emotionally).

All in all, the writing's competant. There's very little I could criticise. For this genre I thought it was well executed.

There's a line in Chapter 1 that says, "Scott stood..." but you never mentioned him sitting down. As you describe every other action in such detail it took me out of the story for a moment.

Now getting back inside my own head...

It felt too cliched and stereotyped. The press conference scene wasn't at all believeable. No sense of confrontation was conveyed. A more argumentative exchange may help. Accusation - rebuttle - insult - fur flies - chaos erupts - the flash of bulbs...

I felt like you explained too much trivial detail.

...he introduced as per protocol.
...it was the vibration of his cell phone that returned his thoughts to the present.

And I began to feel like I was having every reaction of Scott's and Tessa's spelt out to me, rather than there being enough subtlety for me to have to work anything out.

My least favourite line was

...the hotel door swished open in response to his weight on the black matt sensor.

It felt like you were trying to do what a writer should, communicate everyday things and events in a manner the reader hasn't considered or encountered before, but used something as bland as an automatic door opening to do it.

Scott bored me. Tessa being a drunk I liked and felt more of a connection to her. People with problems always have a greater depth of character (personal conflict). The plot really has to drive this story because the writing and characters don't. Then again are they meant to? Not my genre, as I said.

Good luck with your writing...

****Fair Critters****
I'm a reader, I don't notice nits or typos unless they leap out at me, so this will be a reader review, not an edit.
I was a little disappointed with this, the opening was excellent, the car going into the water, the talk of the dead woman, I thought I was in for a good murder mystery as promised in the title.
Instead I got the old man/woman rivialry, the new bloke arriving to challenge the established woman, she resents his brilliance, but is secretly attracted to him and can't resist his charm. Its very old hat.
I can't say I felt drawn to either of the MCs, both seems to be stereo types.
The various disappearances of the women promises more, there should be a good mystery to unravel there. The hints of mob involvement didn't seem to tie up with the bible reference, so perhaps there is more than first appears.

###### Fair Critters Review ######

I read your chapter one as part of the “first chapter” thread so I’m starting with chapter 2.

Don’t need the commas around “in the wrought iron bed”. Makes it a bit confusing setting it off as a clause like that.

“to anyone who cared to look.” Nice.

“cull less gossip”? Cull generally implies removing things.

“you’re confidence is misplaced” I’m sure you meant “your.”

“Won’t deny that didn’t piss me off” she won’t deny that she wasn’t upset by it? ;)

“The frown on his face…” I know “show don’t tell” is cliché, but here you could just have him frown when it rings, his face darken when he sees the number, and we’d get all the stuff you’re inserting as explanation.

“Patent leather steps” very nice.

“looked like he belonged on a postage stamp.” Love it!

The beginning of chapter 4 is a great visual. I can see it clearly and it’s perfect.

I love the developing relationship between the characters, and the end of chapter four made me catch my breath. Wonderful.

Really, I only have nitpicks and compliments because this is so well done. I’m not typically a fan of the genre but I can be drawn into any book with characters I want to follow, clean, interesting prose, and a good pace. This is one of those.

Leah Petersen – Mourn the Sun

***Fair Critters Review***

I'll start with my one and only criticism, I hate the title. It is so mundane. I was expecting a stinker, I was wrong.

This is very readable. The dialogue is realistic and not too literal. I appreciate the subtle character pointers throughout. There is no information dump, in fact, you use scenes admirably.

So far my only question is, why is this not higher up the ratings? In my opinion this is work of a professional standard. The only possible criticism is that the premise is well-worn, however, commercially speaking, that is not always a bad thing.

If you’ve read The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, you must have groaned as Leviticus was used there too. Although, so far, I find your book much more engaging than the Swedish thriller.

Altogether a smooth, well-written take on a familiar premise. Great clarity and one of the most readable books I’ve seen on this site. I should think this is highly marketable.

Fair Critters Review - Perfect Crime

I read Chapter one for orientation, then jumped to the end to read 16-21 and cover some less trodden ground.

Although I had no real idea of the plot thus far I had no trouble jumping in and orient myself firly quickly. The chemistry between Scott and Tessa is quite good. It's obvious there is a lack of trust and both are holding back, but there's an undercurrent of physical chemistry which is also apparent. This creates interesting twists, one minute they're kissing, the next sh surreptitiously arms herself.

Moving into Chap 17, the interrupted kiss is nicely drawn, the weighted decision whether to continue or investigate the unraveling mystery. My only concern is they don't seem relaxed enough around each other yet for the kiss to occur (athough that may well be because I came in at the end).

In Chap 18 I found Scott's mood unclear, is he worried about Tessa or not? I loved the ECC 343 clue, thinking Ecclesiastes and turning out to be a license plate. Wouldn't Tessa have recognized it though?

Chapter 19 - I'm still happily following along (only I now know I need to go back and read the beginning). I was momentarily confused by 'having the kahonies to do next' I think you mean cajones (spanish for testicles). The written backward e's is another nice detail.

Chapter 20 - While the romantic in me loved it when Scott jumped in front of Tessa, I'm not sure he'd do it. They don't seem to be close enough for him to stick his neck out that way. Of course, that could be due to skipping ahead, but she did abandon him. Seems like two people thrown together by circumstances, drawn to each other yet knowing it isn't smart. It takes a lot of loyalty to risk death for someone.

Chapter 21 - Is this really the end?? I'm not surprised they aren't together, although it leaves a slightly bitter taste in my mouth. I love the last line.

Over all, your writing moves very well, your clues are subtle and your hooks are in the right place. I enjoyed reading the ending, now I want to go back and start from the front!

Sessha

Here's a comment you've likely seen a hundred times: This would make a hell of a good movie. I know you were looking for critique, but I can't see anything that doesn't jibe, or is off in any way at all. This is very fine fiction. The dialogue is all very natural, without seeming like its leading the reader by the nose, and the description, while sparce in some spots is perfect for that particular passage. I think it's the plot and the finely tuned characters you've created that are this story's best assets, and you use them so very well. I feel like this is less than a good comment for the quality of the writing. I loved this piece and am backing for that reason, but I have nothing more to offer. If there's any chapter in particular you'd like a closer look at, let me know, but all I've seen so far is very fine indeed.

Gerry
Dropcloth Angels

Once again, your writing is impeccable. Your style is perfect for commercial fiction.

The characters are interesting and you do a great job getting inside their heads and giving hints of their pasts without slowing down the plot. Your challenge is to separate this from other commercial crime thrillers in your pitch. Personally, I think your writing sells itself. If you can craft a good query letter with a marketable pitch, this should get the nod.

I'll back this, of course.

Brian

Hi BJ.

Crit of ch 15, if that's ok - you did say to read out of context!

Firstly, nice mix of action, dialogue and mystery. Some of the mystery may have been due to reading out of context but it still felt good.
I noticed that you tend to overwrite, example would be 'one with the shadows', 'sliding' and 'furtively' all relating to the same action. Also, 'he said gently, with an almost compassionate...' Another would be 'apparently listening', this is redundant because the car Tessa sees explains the action.
You have many unnecessary dialogue tags 'I need a gun,' Tessa said, was one example. 'Tessa questioned in disbelief' was another, what she said conveyed disbelief.
Some of your sentences are rather abrupt, personally I prefer a more flowing prose.
Beware of head-hopping. You have a blatant blend of both Tessa's and Scott's POV's, with some implied viewpoints from Ric. Be very aware whose eyes you are using to tell the scene.
Some specifics:
'padded' sounds unhurried, which 'In her haste' contradicts.
rolled ladder - not sure what one of these is? Made me thing it was rolled up, which it clearly wasn't.
'pads of her feet'... soles?
'Ric explained..' but Tessa hadn't asked for an explanation.
Scott seemed to have a tough time...Incorporate this into Tessa's dialogue with Ric.
'and now pointed at..' pointed *it* at.
and his aim steady...his aim *was* steady.
her voice void...Use period and capital 'Her voice *was* void of.. (should be *devoid*, really).
he took a few step towards her...*steps*.
lending more reason to believe...clumsy sentence. Lending weight to her reason for holding..?
sounding tired...wearily?
Scott realized the fire door...blatant head-hop.
Tessa's bare feet...I thought she was wearing stockings?
Scott's stomach rolled...Scott stopped...beware of using names too often. When it's obvious which character it is, use a pronoun.

Hope that helps, BJ. If you want any more chapters done, let me know.
xx
Cas.

Perfect Crime--

So, yesterday, I typed up a sort of lengthy crit of chapter 11--only to have my internet connection timeout when I when I hit submit! Grrr...I will try to recreate it.

I read part of chapter one, just to get a feel for what was going on. I got distracted when I found out that they worked for the Chicago Tribune, because they walked out of the building, and I was waiting for a description of that building. I'm not sure if you are from Chicago, or around it, but it's a pretty impressive building with gothic like architecture, so thought that might be something you want to add for 'flavor'. Unless of course, the actual reporters don't have offices there. (I went off to check, but got distracted again, thus leading to me not getting to your book again until yesterday. lol)

Anyway, I chose chapter 11 randomly, as per your request to read a chapter pretty much out of context. I was surprised to find that I was able to follow it fairly well. I like that it was from Scott's pov. I found him a likable character and you created some sizzling chemistry between he and Tessa, especially at the end of the chapter. Loved that *almost* kiss.

There were a few typos, grammar errors, nothing major and now I can't recall what they were specifically. Sorry! My only suggestion was that there were quite a few 'looks/looked' in the chapter and I think some could be replaced or reworded so the word isn't repeated so often. For instance, there's a sentence where Tessa looks at Scott accusingly. (paraphrasing here). Could change that to read something like Tessa's eyes narrowed with accusation.

One place that was awkward was when Scott found the ashtray. It then reads something like he put out the cigarette in his hand. Makes it sound like he stubbed the cigarette out in his palm or something. Just drop the 'in his hand'. It should be implied that he's holding it with his hand without having to say it directly.

I think that's about it. Oh, and I know you aren't seeking backing, but I feel that good writing should be backed so I'm shelving it anyway. :-)

B.J. you build the mystery surrounding Darla Perelli very well - it's the sort of thing readers love. Your establishing of relationships and dialogue is excellent as one would expect. The only thing was the change of POV in ch 1 from Scott to Tessa. Why couldn't it all be seen from Tessa's POV? I think you could work it so that Scott's character doesn't lose out. Bloody good, though. Backed. Lynn

I read chapters 1 and 10 and unfortunately didn't have the time to go back and catch myself up. I believe your writing improved as you continued to write this book. The prologue and first chapter left me too much in the dark to really know if I wanted to continue reading. In your prologue you mention a "dead woman" in one paragraph and then just before you close the prologue you mention a "dead girl." Two dead bodies? Or are they one and the same? That wasn't clear. I also wanted more information in the prologue. Who are these guys? Who is this girl/woman? Did she know this was coming? A little more action may have helped grab my interest better (although it's piqued in chapter 10 with the two reporters having been attacked). One more thing--your long pitch gives me nothing, other than you are submitting this for a contest. Had you not read my book, I possibly would not have read yours, which would have been a shame. Just being honest there.

Backing on the potential this has and will hopefully have time soon to continue reading.
JLux
Finding Letta

cant add to below except it's very tense, brittle writing. backed and will read on

your style is crisp and clean and I enjoyed this very much. Backed!

B.J.--

I read ch 1 for now. Dialogue's working. Lots going on, great capture of the two reporters pecker contest with each other (I know one's a woman, but that's what they're engaged in).

But I'm not feeling the imagery. I didn't feel a sense of place as much as I'd like. Doesn't need a whole lot, a sentence here and there, maybe something as little as the smell of burnt coffee from the break room.

Good luck wherever it takes ya.

Excellent opening pages - comparable to some that I've read on agent's blogs here lately. I didn't find any place in your first chapter where I would stop reading. This story is easy to picture in my head; a must for me, for my attention span can only take so much if the scenes aren't reeling away in my mind.

Hello B.J. I have read three chapters of your story. This is good: well written and described. One or two of the points I noticed, have been adequately covered below. But, there was one little ni-pik, which I thought could improve the start of Chapter 2. Placing the adverb 'lazily' before the verb 'drew', sounds clumsy. Perhaps this would be better? 'Tessa drew one of the half-dozen pillows on the wrought-iron bed lazily over her ears.' OR '...Tessa feeling lazy, drew one of the ...'.
Hope this helps. Good luck with your lovely story.

Phyllis
A Passing Storm

No criticisms from me at all B.J., A very good story with all the right ingredients. You write very well, I enjoyed a read which I would normally not take any interest in. I leave any little nits to others, as my sight is still dodgy, I am up to full magnification here, just to see what I am doing. It did not detract from my enjoyment of your good book though.
Already Backed.
Norman.

Well, I enjoyed this BJ... I think it's always a good sign if I don't find myself stopping to make notes as means I'm caught up in the story. My pad is empty and looks to me like you've got a good 'un here. Not really my natural type of read so afraid no meaningful crits.... sorry!
I'll put it up on my shelf to keep nudging my memory and will try to read more - and see if anything out of order strikes me.
Good luck with the comp....
Jane

You asked, so here goes.
Initially, you must take care of the passive (as oppossed to active)structures, your'e being lazy.
Watch your syntax and most important stop telling the reader how - Tessa felt. - "Implying he lacked knowledge. " Her reply is enough to get the "message" across. and - Tessa sighed - Tessa scoffed, don't tell what she did, show us.
She threw her pencil onto the table. (In disgust?) followed by appropriate text.

Narrative distance is something all writers must get to grips with, understanding it. A writer must achieve close intimacy with ones characters, by explaining their feelings physically, their thoughts vividly, (without head hopping).
Show Scotts "unspoken thoughts", let the reader know what he, the MC, is thinking.
You develop - explain your character by his/her actions and reactions to situations not by your explanations. "He was upset," NO - "Tears formed and rolled down..." "shows" how he feels.
The story sounds interesting, but we only looked at the first chapter. If you want us to read a specific one then let us know, we aint' experts as anyone can tell you, its just that we aim to be better writers and welcome every little bit of advice.

As soon as you have established the charaters, you can switch to "he" and "she" and don't forget who your MC is in all the scenes.

This does not mean your are a lousy writer, a lousy writer would ignore all this. You write well, you just need to edit, we do it all the time.

What is so vain about squinting?

We looked at some of the "fantastic" comments below.

Tell poalito to take a walk in the water until it covers his/her head, self-publishing, ha!

Best of luck and thanks for asking us, we feel honoured.

Eleanor and Sharkey. (Will read other chapters later as we like "krimi's.)

I read all of chapter one, and would continue to read on if I have time. The characters are believable with their faults and egos and such, and the story is interesting, making me want to know what happened, what's going on, and how will the arguments between Tessa & Scott hinder or help them find out what's going on. Because I assume that's the direction the book is going. Shelved.

Amanda

Perfect Crime...

You asked for comments on a random chapter, so I picked c.12--didn't finish it, but not because I didn't like your writing. I'm really swamped right now.

yes, I have writing nits: too much name repetition distances the reader, some punctuation nits, perhaps not the best use of sentence fragments, and sentences beginning with verb participles (e.g., letting out a sigh--you've used it correctly, but it's still inelegant.)

However, I believe you're a talented writer. If, perchance, you decide to self-publish any of your books, please contact me at sjdunncuba@yahoo.com. We've come up with a way to remove the "vanity press" stigma from quality self-published books that may interest you. One of our authors has already published two books with a mainstream publisher. The first garnered kudos galore from reputable reviewers (e.g., NY Times, etc.), and the second was nominated for the Canadian Governor- General's Award. But since those two books didn't sell enough copies, she's now without an agent or publisher and has decided to self-publish. She loves our concept and will be re-publishing her first two novels in ebook form (all rights have reverted to her), and subsequent novels, too. We're not a publisher, but we will be performing some of the functions of publishers, particularly editing and vetting for quality. If you're known by the company you keep, you'd be in good company.

Cheers,
Sheryl
PS Make sure the contest(s) allow jointly written books. Some don't.
PPS - Backed even though you're not seeking the ED.

Absolutely great - I love the pace/characters/narration - all tip top

Backed

Kev

Hi B.J.,

Here's my critic:
During the office scene, Scott's interaction with Tessa was a little too serious and less "playful fun". I'd like to see Scott show off more of his laid back and teasing personality at the get go, to make him a character I'd want to care about.

I'm not sure about "As the reporter stood and prepared to leave." He's the main character, right? Shouldn't it be "he" or "Scott"?

Also I don't know if I like some of the semicolons when it could be a full sentence but hey what do I know, I'm not an English major.

I love the image in your prologue. Very descriptive and set the mood. In chapter 1, I like the tension between Scott and Tessa is palpable. You do a great job setting the mood and building the suspense.

That's my two pennies worth. LizzieVale

Well done.

Oh my, what a powerful opening snippet.

“Preferring the vanity of squinting”. Love that.

“As he absorbed the sketchy facts.” Meh.

“Scott took that as confirmation” a whiff of “telling not showing” there. Also “but it still masked”

I love the chocolate milk in a flask.

“She stated firmly” Meh.

Honestly, though, any or all of this could be chalked up to style differences alone.

“Burned by something hot.” I don’t suppose you could get burned by something lukewarm, could you?

“Scott had planned to question…” awkward sentence.

The paragraph “Darla’s mother joined him” really threw me. The tone felt all wrong for a conversation with a parent about the murdered child. “Friendly” is an odd word to have there. I do like “voice was soft like…” though.

OK, I only criticize because I love. This is excellent. Best of luck with this one.

Leah

BACKED!

Great dialogue and suspense building. I feel certain this is destined for the Editor's desk.
Just a few nit pics:
The prologue - First what a great opening line, it did its job of catching my attention and drawing me in.

Consider - As the hood of the convertible slipped beneath the water vs sank. I really didn't like the word sank. Also the choice of convertible (being opened and airy) runs counter to the phrase sucked the air out of the car.

Chapter one, Tessa sitting at her computer one leg under, the other pulled tight to her chest while she scribbled a note on a pad beside her. I assume she is at her computer, a bit confining isn't it.

I have no problem with "daughter of a wealthy restauranteur and she was just a waitress." I took it as Tessa'a way of trying to downplay it.

I agree with Ariom though on the change to G.J. JUMPED. More impact, more sharper.

Best of luck,

Ray - All Aboard for Murder

What I say is always just ‘in my opinion’ so please don’t ever take it too much to heart. And feel free to ignore me, or even to come back with a ‘What the hell are you talking about?’ OK…
Um, you mention ‘the daughter of a wealthy Chicago restauranteur’ in an early paragraph, then a bit further in ‘She was just a waitress from a nearby spaghetti house.’ … Is this the same woman? I suspect so, but it’s confusing.
‘She pulled it back sharply.’ The rest of the sentence is unnecessary, imo.
Lorences, no apostrophe needed.
Was it one month or two since Darla disappeared? This just needs clarifying, I think.
‘ .. G.J. jumped like someone fired a gun in the room.’ Maybe just ‘jumped’ ?
Tessa slipped the postcard into the pocket or her robe, opened the newspaper … ‘ Better not to start that sentence with an –ing word, imo.
I’ve read two chapters and like it. Good strong characters and a mystery.
Backing this and I’ll come back to read more. It’s working up to a good story and I see you have had some useful comments from others.

BACKED.

Hope to be able so read the end of this. Your reporter could easily be the one who tried to get a story from my detective n Jamie 7.

Keep smiling
Joseph D Palermo

Like how the two reporters play off one another. One thing: Internet should always be capitalized. I also noticed that in the the last chapter you changed point of view toward the end; didn't read it all but you might want to check for that in the others. Good luck.

This is excellent work, the dynamics of the inevitable clash between Tessa and Scott are handled with a clever hand, the tension builds nicely, paced to entice the reader.

The relationship and mention of Tessa's mob connections, the disappearances all on the 19th of the month, the postcard and the connection of the reversed e in the hand writing...I also enjoy the touches that make Scott's character visible, the twirling of the pencil, I have known a few people that have done that unaware that they are doing so. It adds to the already great visuals that you have created.

I hope you do go ahead and enter this. I too am entering a competition in the next couple of days, i haven't done so before. I wish you the very best of luck with it. Frankly I think this work is excellent. It needs to be recognized as such.

Backed, and I would recommend this to anyone that enjoys a damned good read.
Suzannah Burke

I read it through and want more. Excellent!
Why a contest? Why not an agent query? Re: Writer's Digest Jan 2010 issue.
If it has to be a contest, and you've had 4 things (not specified what things) already published, and your completed piece is at least 80 thousand words try wetherprize.org/appl.html - entry $25, but prize is $25,000 and book pbulication. In 2009 it was Algonquin Books.
I would say something in Itailan, but, like Tessa, I've tried to put all that aside. Easy for me to identify with these characters and situation, though, thankfully, it never got that deep for me. Only in Chicago and New York, right? How about Kansas City or Dallas?
There are a few missing quotation marks, and a word seems to be missing in the last chapter - "...keeping his mind [busy?] rather than thinking about..."
Best of luck whatever you decide. It's worth all your efforts. Move over, Dan Brown!

I read it through and want more. Excellent!
Why a contest? Why not an agent query? Re: Writer's Digest Jan 2010 issue.
If it has to be a contest, and you've had 4 things (not specified what things) already published, and your completed piece is at least 80 thousand words try wetherprize.org/appl.html - entry $25, but prize is $25,000 and book pbulication. In 2009 it was Algonquin Books.
I would say something in Itailan, but, like Tessa, I've tried to put all that aside. Easy for me to identify with these characters and situation, though, thankfully, it never got that deep for me. Only in Chicago and New York, right? How about Kansas City or Dallas?
There are a few missing quotation marks, and a word seems to be missing in the last chapter - "...keeping his mind [busy?] rather than thinking about..."
Best of luck whatever you decide. It's worth all your efforts. Move over, Dan Brown!

Couple more nits for you to consider.

n missing in restauranteur.

he tried to absorb the sketchy facts, and then the next para you have he tried not to get too close...?
Good luck with it.

Melxx
UNICORN

BJ & Haven
I read loaded chapter one...Mmm....Made a couple of notes...

he put both hands in the air........he raised his hands......(hands is plural so no need to say 'both')

she lifted a hand like she was swatting a bug........I cant see this....I saw her sigh, and make a so-so gesture with her head in exasperation....

her hand motion told him she recognised Darla's name........I would use a facial expression, ie. her eyes narrowed in guarded recognition.....

I also see him leaning against the office wall, strong arms folded, watchful, blinking like a drowsy lion.....using a teasing tone.... I see her lips pursed, elbows on the desk, hands in a spire....The narrative is 'missing body language'

a small pause......Mmm......I'd say.....A charged silence.....

She steps up to her desk,,,,,but wasn't she already sitting there having just slammed the bottle of milk on it... ?

In the bar he picks up a swizzle stick....Do we really need to know he twirls it in the same way as the pencil eariier....?

'Butt out Crawford'.......this was a warning, not a challenge.....

I found the interview with the mother of the missing girl 'flat' I had no vision....Surely she would have been tearful, her eyes pooling with tears, Scott would have been teasing information from her, with careful prodding. There was no body language between them...He didn't close his hand over hers, or hand her a tissue......
I should have felt a tweek of compasion towards her, why didn't I? She didn't stare into the middle distance in despair, or anything really......'The woman joined him' sounds cold.....Darla's mother joined him.....sounds better....

OK, finished moaning.....Enjoyed it enough to read more.......

Best of luck with it...