The Hidden Scroll

...your work seems brilliant... looking forward to a closer look Avraham.. Best wishes and Shabbat Shalom, Linda Ruth Horowitz

www.whilethesandswhisper.com

Thank you for doing the immense work needed to contrive a new version of this story. The ambiance of the Holy Land always helps set the stage, but it requires some doing to figure out something new to say about the relics and politics there.

Hi Avraham!

Since you haven’t been to Authonomy for a while, I hope it’s okay that I’m sending this through your book comment:

I’d like to thank you for backing BRAINRUSH (a Thriller) last year. Because of you it hit the Authonomy Number-1 slot, attracted an agent, and landed a film option. Now that’s a brain-rush! The formal book launch is September 1st and the sequel will be released in December. None of this would have been possible without your help. So, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!

Sincerely,
Richard Bard, BRAINRUSH

PS. If you want a good laugh, check out the temporary book-trailer video on the BRAINRUSH website. It’s there as a placeholder for the upcoming professional video. The current one features children and it’s guaranteed to make you smile! And yes, the younger kid on the screen is really me. You can see the video at www.RichardBard.com. The link is also on my Authonomy profile page. While you’re there, check out the “Feel the Rush” promotion that will get you BRAINRUSH plus 2 FREE thrillers from the Kindle Top-20 PAID Bestseller list – yes, really!

A gripping journey filled with surprises. Well crafted characters with real emotions. Excellent dialogue and narrative. Intriguing storyline. Lucid writing. Backed.

Very well thought out and an awful lot of research must have gone into this book. You certainly know your stuff. Happy to back. I hope you take a look at The Temple Dancer. Eunice.

Hello Manolya

Thank for your kind words.
My "Hidden Scroll" has been published already. If you purchase it from my website WWW.ANOUCHI.ORG, I'll signed it for you. It is also available at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Borders and other bookstores.

I read the description of your "Bitter Honey & Love in No-Man's Land". It's very interesting, and I'll read a couple of chapters later this week.

Regards,

Avraham .

Dear Avraham,

I simply adore you book and would glady purchase it, which should tell you how much I like it.
I hope it isn't too long before it gets published and is available in stores. Books like yours are really interesting to a wide audience of readers.

Backed with pleasure!

Manolya- Bitter Honey & Love in No-Man's Land

Dear Avraham,

I simply adore you book and would glady purchase it, which should tell you how much I like it.
I hope it isn't too long before it gets published and is available in stores. Books like yours are really interesting to a wide audience of readers.

Backed with pleasure!

Manolya- Bitter Honey & Love in No-Man's Land

Thank you Delhui for your kind words about my Hidden Scroll

I'll back youi book and read some of it soon.

Avraham
Space Mission

Dear Avraham --

The history alone is worth backing, for you delve into an era in an area that rarely sees so much attention in fiction (at least Stateside, and we suspect elsewhere as well). But you write with an understanding of what holds the reader, drawing us ever deeper into the mystery -- and the events that surround it -- as the years progress. This is a thoughtful thriller, one that educates even as you engage us in Professor Avner's fictional quest. It's our pleasure to back such a well-told tale. -- Delhui, The Long Black Veil

Dear Avraham --

The history alone is worth backing, for you delve into an era in an area that rarely sees so much attention in fiction (at least Stateside, and we suspect elsewhere as well). But you write with an understanding of what holds the reader, drawing us ever deeper into the mystery -- and the events that surround it -- as the years progress. This is a thoughtful thriller, one that educates even as you engage us in Professor Avner's fictional quest. It's our pleasure to back such a well-told tale. -- Delhui, The Long Black Veil

Thank you Helen.
I'll look at your book durig the coming weekend

Avraham

Backed with pleasure.
Helen

Backed with pleasure.
Helen

Hello Laurence

Thanks for your comment on my Hidden Scroll.

Not only am I sure that the Jews had presence in Palestine in 1929. I was born there in 1930 and I grew up in Tel-Aviv and Haifa where I rarely saw more than Arab farmers coming to town to sell their produce.

If you check the record of the British Mandate, in 1948, when Israel was established, There were 800,000 Jews and 600,000 Arabs in all of Palesine. In 1948 seven Arab countries attacked us, assuming they would wipe us out and throw us to the sea. There were not enough Arabs in Palestine to fight us. But we prevailed and lost 6,000 soldiers, 1% of our population. Do you know of any country that fought under these conditions and prevailed and lost 1% of its population?

My book is really a history book with 80% facts and 20% fiction.

The problem with us Jews, is that others don't know our history and they buy the propaganda spread against us by our enemies.

Thanks again and good luck on your manuscript.

I'll look at your book during the coming weekend.

Avraham
Space Mission and The Hidden Scroll

The story starts really well but it doesn't continue with the same pace and intensity as the first few paragraphs. You seem to write in a slightly jumpy style which is alright. Your work is good with a good pitch that promises a great story. Your characters are well developed and intricately woven into your plot which creates some intrigue. Are you sure the jews had a significant presence in Palestine in 1929 as the state of Israel wasn't created until 1948. Backed. Could you have a look at my manuscript The Sacred Pool.

Laurence

The story starts really well but it doesn't continue with the same pace and intensity as the first few paragraphs. You seem to write in a slightly jumpy style which is alright. Your work is good with a good pitch that promises a great story. Your characters are well developed and intricately woven into your plot which creates some intrigue. Are you sure the jews had a significant presence in Palestine in 1929 as the state of Israel wasn't created until 1948. Backed. Could you have a look at my manuscript The Sacred Pool.

Laurence

Thank you Mary

Your comment is appreciated and encouraging. If you liked The Hidden Scroll, you will love my second entry, Space Mission

Avraham
Space Mission

A wonderful read, with excellent writing and a gripping storyline. Definitely transports the reader to another setting and you expertly set the stage for later action. Really well done.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

A wonderful read, with excellent writing and a gripping storyline. Definitely transports the reader to another setting and you expertly set the stage for later action. Really well done.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

Brilliant thriller and I am quite new to this genre but getting through all these wonderful reads. Your work is provoking, well crafted and so darn exciting. I appreciate the way you have colored your characters which make them vivid in my mind and make me want to know them more and find out what happens at every turn. BACKED and BEST of luck.If you could read some of my book and comment I would really be happy. thanks

Denise
The Letter

Hello Emissary,

Thanks for the suggestion and your support .
Avraham

Fascinating! A highly charged first chapter. I like the amalgamation of historical fact and fiction. One suggestion - I think the first line of your pitch should create more excitement. At present it is only stating the plot without arousing the necessary magnetic pull. Add a little spice to the sentence. For example,
'In his treacherous quest for ancient parchments that predate the Dead Sea Scrolls, Professor Avner Amran comes face to face with a radical Islamic organization' The reason I say this is because your book is a clear winner and deserves to go to the Editor's desk. Wish you all the best with this exciting book.
Kind Regards,
Milan
Flicker.

Fascinating! A highly charged first chapter. I like the amalgamation of historical fact and fiction. One suggestion - I think the first line of your pitch should create more excitement. At present it is only stating the plot without arousing the necessary magnetic pull. Add a little spice to the sentence. For example,
'In his treacherous quest for ancient parchments that predate the Dead Sea Scrolls, Professor Avner Amran comes face to face with a radical Islamic organization' The reason I say this is because your book is a clear winner and deserves to go to the Editor's desk. Wish you all the best with this exciting book.
Kind Regards,
Milan
Flicker.

I read chapter 10 and 11 and the story just keeps getting better. It's entertaining and highly intriguing.

If I could back it a second time I would in a heartbeat unfortunately I can't.

Best of luck

Melxx

Thank you Raymond for your kind words about my Hidden Scroll
I'll look at your book over the weekend. I am honored to be compared to Robert Ludlum. I don't belong to his category.

Avraham

Well Avraham. This is a real roller coaster all the way to chapter 25. Good plot, great story and it draws the reader from chapter to chapter. I loved the 'Keystone cops' antics of ineptitude from the Bismillah group. I am miffed as to how or why they stole Elaine's painting and what is really hanging in the Jerusalem museum but you probably explain that later in the book. After all, if anyone can claim the title as the reigning Sephardic Robert Ludlum, you are the one...

Yes, you need some editing but that is more true later in this chapter count that early on. Lose some of the tags in conversations and chapter 20 is also appended to chapter 19. Nothing serious but we all need it and editing is an evolutionary process.

Best of luck with this, you deserve it. RT

Thank you RoseMatrland

I value your comments and I will address the issues that you highlighted.

Avraham

This is a well-built plot; you obviously know your subject very well. Your dialogue can use some work in places: at times, the lines from the supporting characters are a little too pat, a little cliched. This is not unusualy since we often do not devote as much care to minors characters. Main CH dialogue is ok. Interaction between both can use some work; answers are too quick and too glib for people who have just met.

Otherwise, this is a well constructed book! Give it another edit with an eye towards making the dialogue more natural and you should have a real winner! Backed. - JRM

This is a well-built plot; you obviously know your subject very well. Your dialogue can use some work in places: at times, the lines from the supporting characters are a little too pat, a little cliched. This is not unusualy since we often do not devote as much care to minors characters. Main CH dialogue is ok. Interaction between both can use some work; answers are too quick and too glib for people who have just met.

Otherwise, this is a well constructed book! Give it another edit with an eye towards making the dialogue more natural and you should have a real winner! Backed. - JRM

Well Avraham. This is a real roller coaster all the way to chapter 25. Good plot, great story and it draws the reader from chapter to chapter. I loved the 'Keystone cops' antics of ineptitude from the Bismillah group. I am miffed as to how or why they stole Elaine's painting and what is really hanging in the Jerusalem museum but you probably explain that later in the book. After all, if anyone can claim the title as the reigning Sephardic Robert Ludlum, you are the one...

Yes, you need some editing but that is more true later in this chapter count that early on. Lose some of the tags in conversations and chapter 20 is also appended to chapter 19. Nothing serious but we all need it and editing is an evolutionary process.

Best of luck with this, you deserve it. RT

This is a learning book for me in the most entertaining manner. You have written this with great insight and hence your writing flows naturally and effortlessly. A treat for many history buffs.
Backed earlier and glad to read on to comment.
Rakhi (Sir William....)

Your words give us a valuable insight, be it fiction, into the world of the Middle East politics. You have an intriguing plot and serious adventure mystery story. Good luck with your book and in your continued writing. I would appreciate you reading and commenting on December Gold.

A intricate subject beautifully written and quite interesting. I will be reading more on this one.

Jessica L. Degarmo
How to Meet a Guy at the Food Lion

Hi Avraham,
As promised some feedback.
Interesting premise / plotline and in general the tone of the writing fits the subject. However I think the impact of this could be increased with some judicious 'pruning'. (Something we can all do - in my last edit of Munro I took 5,ooo words out - mostlu in ones and twos.)
To give an example - suggested cut in brackets - 'Ibn Najad shook his head, hesitating, but not responding. "Then it is time to have coffee" the Mufti (announced after not getting a response. He) pressed a button...'
- I hope you can see how the cut tightens the text without removing anything that mattered. Well worth doing an edit just looking for examples like this.
One other minor point - you don't need all the dialogue tags you have here - often it's absolutely clear who's speaking, without any tag. If you don't need it for clarity, leave it out - that quickens the pace too.
I do have one more serious comment - from your blurb Prof Avram seems to be your mc - if this is the case then you should introduce him in the first chapter, because whoever we meet first has the imploied importance of the mc. It may just require a re-ordering of chs to give a clear indication of who you want us to root for.
That said this looks interesting, good luck with it,
Margaret

Thoughtfully judged and crafted, especially when dealing with a difficult subject. Opening few pages describe so vividly world previously unkown to me and makes me want to read more, which I will endeavour to do as time on here allows.

Clive
Cincinnati Dancing Pig

Hi Avraham. I love history, and your manuscript is obviously an intelligent and educated handling of the rising of modern Israel. I suspect this might be a controversial book as well, given current events, but I've only read a few chapters, so it's only a suspicion. The writing is smooth, but at times you fall into starting a number of sentences with pronouns, which leads to a lot of sameness. Also, I suggest "dumbing down" the dialog of your less-educated characters, to give them more street cred. I'm backing this very intelligent manuscript.
I hope you will reconsider taking a look at my book, The Job. It's a modern retelling of Job, with humor. As you know, Job is perhaps the oldest of all Hebrew literature (although Job himself was gentile), so you may be more qualified to comment on it than anyone else here. But, go with your best judgment.
Good luck with this,
Craig

This isn't my kind of story but your prose lends towards mysticism. You make it interesting--make the reader feel like they are there. The pace is excellent and it's nice to see punctuation and grammar being used so well--it makes the reading much easier for me. Great concept. Will back on my next shelf rotation.
xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

Should definitely appeal to the history buffs here, and is interesting enough to appeal to fans of Dan Brown and similar writers.

An interesting subject and i became ensconsed in the story very quickly. I felt sightly unnerved as I read the instruction to go and kill the jews. I only read the first chapter as this is all a bit close to home and current that I found it worrying. If that was your intention to create such tension then you have done a good job. Backed

Sue Mackender
Knowing Liam Riley

William,

I am grateful for your spotting my repetitive use of the word THAT. THis is exactly the assistance that I am looking for. Naturally, I am embarassed for having used Adolf as the given name of Heinrich Himmler. These are the pitfalls when you write a historical novel. I already made your suggested corrections.

Thank you again,

Avraham
The Hidden Scroll.

Avraham
I think the first chapter is rather dull. Some description of the riots in Hebron would liven it up. Also, I think the paragraphs prior to the one beginning "Haj Amin..." would be better presented as a prologue, particularly considering a year has passed since the riots occurred.
Two things I noticed: there are many unnecessary 'thats' and Himmler's first name was Heinrich not Adolf.
There are also some typos.
William (The Caves of Caerdraig)

Avraham
I think the first chapter is rather dull. Some description of the riots in Hebron would liven it up. Also, I think the paragraphs prior to the one beginning "Haj Amin..." would be better presented as a prologue, particularly considering a year has passed since the riots occurred.
Two things I noticed: there are many unnecessary 'thats' and Himmler's first name was Heinrich not Adolf.
There are also some typos.
William (The Caves of Caerdraig)

Richard

Thanks for your suggestion on splitting the first paragraph. I already did it.

I'll support your book.

Avraham
The Hidden Scroll

Fascinating historical adventure filled with extraordinary detail. One little nit: I'd split your opening paragraph, giving each speaker his own. Good luck. I'm happy to back.

Richard

Thanks for your suggestion on splitting the first paragraph. I already did it.

I'll support your book.

Avraham
The Hidden Scroll

Fascinating historical adventure filled with extraordinary detail. One little nit: I'd split your opening paragraph, giving each speaker his own. Good luck. I'm happy to back.

Fascinating historical adventure filled with extraordinary detail. One little nit: I'd split your opening paragraph, giving each speaker his own. Good luck. I'm happy to back.

Hi,

I'm very interested in Middle Eastern history and religion, so this was an interesting read. The only issue I had with this was the dialogue: everyone speaks a little too formally. However, this might just be how people speak in the Middle East. If this is the case, then fair enough.
I also thought this could have been written more...romantically, for lack of a better word. I liked how the second chapter started, the lemon tree, the star studded skies etc. But despite this it felt like the story wasn't emotionally engaging enough. I wasn't feeling for the characters. For this reason I think you could benefit from more 'star studded skies', as well as personal issues with the characters like Benjamin's angst towards his wife's labour.
Overall, a very interesting, informative and enjoyable read.

Thanks,

Alex

Hello Jeff Lee

Thank you for your comment on my Hidden Scroll.

I am delighted that you like my historical and archaeological fiction. I am especialy moved by yiour statement that" .... Dan Brown should be looking nervously over his shoulder." I don't belong in his class, but your compliment elevates my desire to climb up to his level.

Thanks again

I'll support your "LADIES.... TOUR"

Avraham
The Hidden Scroll

QUOTE] Avraham -

The search for a legendary lost secret scroll dating back to biblical times, powerful enemies who will stop at nothing to thwart the main character.

You've put together an exceptional read, Avraham, a historical thriller that should have Dan Brown looking nervously over his shoulder.

I'm delighted to back The Hidden Scroll.

And I wish you the best of luck with it.


-Jeff Lee
THE LADIES TEMPERANCE CLUB'S FAREWELL TOUR

Hello Christie,

I owe you special gratitute on your comment anout italics. I always use ital;ics when I write about anyone's thought. I do not understand how the text showed up half in italic font and half regular font. I immediately corrected it and you get the credit.

I am pleased that you like historical fiction. It was a struggle to find the happy median between facts and fiction. Too much history and you risk loosing the interest of thrill readers; not enough history and you loose the fiber of the historical background, especialy when you write on archaeology, whuich is my passion.

I'll support your Pelican

Thanks again

Avraham
The Hidden Scroll

Avraham, This is something I'd like to come back to and read at my leisure later. It isn't a book that I could read by a pool. I'd need to take notes and absorb the words. I will be back for more. I noticed that some of the dialogue seems a bit stilted. Is this your intention? All the best with it.

Avraham - This is a heavy and intense book. There are are a few problems with the flow. Some of the language seems awkward, but it is obvious that you have put great effort and thought into this work. I love to learn and be entertained at the same time. With a bit of word juggling, I think you'll have a great read for intellectuals and history fans.

(Little thing I noticed, Thubten Gyatso 4th paragraph, chpt 4 "Thinking about my health..." I don't know if anyone pointed this out. At first his thoughts are in italics, but the 4th paragraph begins in normal text. I think it would be easier if all the thoughts were in italics(or quotes) and seperated from the narrators paragraph so we do not get his thoughts confused with the narrator.)

Best of luck,
Christa
The Vulning of the Pelican

Avraham, This is something I'd like to come back to and read at my leisure later. It isn't a book that I could read by a pool. I'd need to take notes and absorb the words. I will be back for more. I noticed that some of the dialogue seems a bit stilted. Is this your intention? All the best with it.

An intense mystery set amongst volatile times. Well written, dark and serious.
Backed,
Ellen (Thoughts of a Teenage Girl)

It's good to read this kind of novel knowing that the historical background is pretty secure, i.e. out of the research and mind of an historian. For this reason always used to enjoy Mary Renault, e.g. The Bull of Minos , written in 60s I think.

May I say one thing? If they're red-blooded and about to start street riots then 'Finally' slow down the first speaking rioter's passion, and similarly the leader wouldn't surely say 'Don't forget your clubs etc' - this sounds like a scout master. Wouldn't it be more, 'Clubs, knives, meet at 7' sort of thing? This would then contrast nicely with the formality of his letter at end of chapter.

Best Wishes

Rosalind

It will have been

Avraham -

The search for a legendary lost secret scroll dating back to biblical times, powerful enemies who will stop at nothing to thwart the main character.

You've put together an exceptional read, Avraham, a historical thriller that should have Dan Brown looking nervously over his shoulder.

I'm delighted to back The Hidden Scroll.

And I wish you the best of luck with it.


-Jeff Lee
THE LADIES TEMPERANCE CLUB'S FAREWELL TOUR

ch 6: more of your living history!
a few extra capital letters at the start to be changed
"Hooray," shouted Avner (with delight) - 'hooray' tells us he's delighted.
we shall fi re at you - remove the space (actually fi re comes up a few times, maybe it's something about the italic script)
the machine gunner who was injured -> the injured machine gunner
Menachem Begin had given the British Army...
You really get the idea that this was a key moment, and there's quite a lot of tension in this final scene, though I think you can increase it with more dramatic language.
Good stuff!

This is one of my favorite historical time periods and I am a bit of a nerd in this area. So reading something written here was a real treat. This book reads very much like a historical piece with some captivating events along the way. I will wait eagerly to see how it all concludes.

Hello Simon

Thank for your constructive suggestions. I will implement them and will continue to support you to stardom.

Avraham

The Hidden Scroll. .

Avraham,
It reads like living history, and would be an excellent way for people to actually learn the subject. Seeing the major events of the time through others' eyes works really well. It's so far removed from my style that I don't feel I can tell you much to improve this, apart from the minor changes below. /.../ = replace with (...)
ch 4:
'Since his election in 1879... he had been the uncontested...' sounds better to me
/stated/ (said) the governer'
ch 5:
parchment x 2 in consecutive lines - maybe change one to 'document'?
again further down, parchment x 3 in 4 lines
remove the sentence starting 'A produce vendor...' - repetition, unneccesary detail
I'll cut (a) piece with my knife...
I think you can make the bomb explosion more dramatic. It feels a bit dry.
Adolf Himmler /was delighted/ (said) - we know this from his words.
also 'pleased' x 2 here. Change one.
Great stuff, Avraham. I'll come back sometime soon when I have more free time.

Avraham,
It reads like living history, and would be an excellent way for people to actually learn the subject. Seeing the major events of the time through others' eyes works really well. It's so far removed from my style that I don't feel I can tell you much to improve this, apart from the minor changes below. /.../ = replace with (...)
ch 4:
'Since his election in 1879... he had been the uncontested...' sounds better to me
/stated/ (said) the governer'
ch 5:
parchment x 2 in consecutive lines - maybe change one to 'document'?
again further down, parchment x 3 in 4 lines
remove the sentence starting 'A produce vendor...' - repetition, unneccesary detail
I'll cut (a) piece with my knife...
I think you can make the bomb explosion more dramatic. It feels a bit dry.
Adolf Himmler /was delighted/ (said) - we know this from his words.
also 'pleased' x 2 here. Change one.
Great stuff, Avraham. I'll come back sometime soon when I have more free time.

Wow - epic in scale, this gave me a new perspective and much-needed context for the affairs as they exist today. This moves along at a good pace, but I get the feeling that you could stretch this out to several volumes if you so desired. Fascinating - I will read all 23 chapters (already through 13).