Book Jacket

 

rank 138
word count 104749
date submitted 06.02.2010
date updated 09.04.2014
genres: Fiction, Historical Fiction, Scienc...
classification: universal
complete

A King in Time

Mary Enck in collaboration with David Gutscher

Arthur, Prince of Wales and future King of England, must decide if he wants to return to his own time in 2100 A.D.

 

Like his predecessor, the Legendary King Arthur, the passion of the young prince is to unite all of Great Britain in peace. His secret desire is to rebuild ancient Camelot. When he visits the original site, he encounters a prophetic gentleman who seems to know the future, or perhaps he speaks of the past.

Later, as Prince Arthur ponders the true identity of the man, a total solar eclipse occurs and propels him into the Fifth Century. It is only when the prince finally accepts the eclipse has directed the event, time begins to slip once more. It is then he discovers there is more to consider than space-time theories.

When the prince meets his namesake, they form a brotherly bond. Perhaps this meeting has been foretold and hidden in the promise made by King Arthur hundreds of years in the past to return when Britannia needs him once more.




 
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tags

, alternate history, britannia, dragons, fantasy, honor, humor, kings, love, merlin, merlyn, time travel, young adult

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Chapters

11

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Chapter 11

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CHAPTER 11

Wincing, the old man thrust his gnarled hand to his lower back, the pain of his sudden attempt to duck out of sight sending waves of agony through his spine. Too soon!  The lad must not see him here before it is time, he thought.  He laid out his plans with the utmost care and so dared not risk so much to satisfy his own stupid curiosity!

He stilled his body, intent upon blending with the foliage.  His grey brow furrowed and he allowed his eyes to close to mere slits, the better to perceive his quarry through the numerous green branches of the shrubbery.  He needed a distraction, and quickly.  Something new for them to focus on instead of some crazy old man with a long walking stick who looked as out of place as a daffodil in a pigsty.  For his part, he dared not move at all for fear of catching the lad’s keen eye, so it would have to be something else.  That, and the pain in his back was sufficient to make him yearn for a bed anyway, a cot even, upon which to topple.  He probably could not move if he wanted to.

It would have to be the girl.  “Margo,” she called herself now.  Now there was a girl always willing to help him. Thus far, being smart enough to carry out his wishes and yet lacking the intelligence to understand fully what part she played.  A better foil, he believed, would have been hard to find.

What could a defenseless girl do to distract a lad like John?

Well, of course, it might be a bit melodramatic but he knew the best plans were often the simplest plans.  History was rife with examples of men distracted by women in one way or another, often to the great detriment of their futures.  A pretty smile or an allowed glimpse of a sculpted calf had served many a harlot, whether a farmer’s wife or a renowned spy.  But in this instance, it must involve not only distraction, but also haste and the requisite attendance of her hero.

His narrowed eyes shut completely now, his grip upon the staff tightening so that his bony fingers turned white, the knuckles standing out like marbles beneath his thin, nearly translucent skin.  Muttering a single word beneath his breath, he forced the last syllable out between clenched teeth.

#

Oh!” Margo fell back against John, forcing him to catch her around the waist to keep her from falling. Caught off guard, he misplaced his trailing foot, thereby stumbling himself and collapsing to the dew-wet grass in front of the bench.  In a tangle of arms and legs, John tried to regain his feet as fast as possible and at the same time, assist Margo.  But when his nurse let out another yelp, he realized her hand somehow lay underneath his boot and so he simply fell backwards again to quickly get his weight off his foot, and incidentally her hand.

I’m so sorry!” he blurted.  John rolled to his left to get clear and they both managed to regain their feet, albeit clumsily.  Wet grass covered his backside and trouser legs and he spent a few moments making a half-hearted attempt to brush off.  He moved to do the same for Margo, but thought better of it after catching a fetching glimpse of the damp dress clinging to her various curves.  No, it would be best if she attended to her own clean up, he thought.

Well, you are a sight,” Margo remarked, looking over at John.  “Like a schoolboy who’s been in a tussle and the bell has just rung.”  She laughed.

John met her gaze with a smile of his own. 

More like a truant who is jealous of all the other schoolboys for always being on-time and clean.”

They laughed again before John turned to stare into the woods.  “Did you see him?”

Who are you talking about?”

I saw the old man.  The one I was just telling you about, the one with the walking stick and the bizarre stories about who I may be.  He was over there, in the woods, I’m sure of it.”  John started off in that direction, as if his legs were moving of their own accord.

John,” Margo said, grabbing his arm, “there’s nobody there.”

John’s eyes flared in anger, briefly, and then turned to a more controlled seriousness.  “I have to make certain.  I saw something, and I have to make sure.”

How could he be out here anyway?  This is the Queen’s retreat.  There is no way he could get past the security people.  Hell, it was hard enough for me, and I have a pass.”

John’s shoulders slumped.  The soft sound of distant thunder filled the silence that now engulfed them.  The bright, sunshiny morning turning decidedly grey. 

When John finally turned back to face Margo, she felt shocked at the look of despair on his face.  He seemed older, as if he aged ten years in the last few minutes. To be without your own history is one thing, she realized.  But to have your only hope of recovery resting in the guise of that imaginary old man had to be absolutely draining.

John,” she began, “I know it’s hard…”

Do you?” he interrupted, his voice devoid of energy.     

Do you know how it feels to not remember your parents or your childhood?  Do you know how it feels to see a plate of spaghetti placed before you and not remember if you’ve tasted it before?”

John…”

And that’s not the worst part.  The worst part is that you are not sure if you will get better. I will always wonder who I am. Am I a thief, running from the authorities? Or am I a minister of God?”  John looked down at his clothes and then collapsed back onto the bench, defeated. 

I know believe me I do, for we are not all what we seem.”  The cool breeze that had gently stirred his hair earlier this morning now turned into a more blustery force, whipping up the branches on the shrubbery around them.  She folded her arms in front of her chest, in a vain attempt to ward off the cold.    

I suppose, you believe the old man is the key to your memory, and if you could just find him again, you could somehow shake the truth from him.  Well, I don’t think it’s that simple.”

I’m sure you think my visions of the old man are pure illusion.”

John, I’m not sure what to think.”  She kept her voice low, sympathetic.  “He may be a receptacle for all of your yearning for the truth as a way of dealing with your frustration.”  Margo looked up into the sky and saw the clouds moving by so fast; they were almost scurrying to get out of the way of the advancing storm. 

She was puzzled momentarily. Were they not just standing in the midst of a beautiful spring morning, with birds singing, and the strong scent of flowers almost overpowering in their boldness?  But then she remembered.  Was it not this way the last time also?

John shook his head slowly as he stared down at the rippling grass. 

No, the old man is not the key to my past.  He relates somehow to it, but he is not the key.”  Then he brought his head up to stare Margo directly in the eyes. She saw darkness in them,and a cold fire.

The key to everything is the Prince of Wales.  It is he I must follow.”

#

Perfect,” the old man dared to say aloud.  He moved to a safer area from which he could observe the young couple, yet far enough away to blend adequately with the foliage.  For the moment, at least, his spying on John could continue.  The wind grew bold now, and he removed his pointy hat lest it blow away and cause further disturbance.  Time grew short and Margo would not have much time to spare if the plan was to proceed according to his instructions.

A frown creased his aged features.  From his new position, he could make out the front of the cottage as well.  For the past few minutes, the security men had been displaying the subtle signs of an approaching event.  They paced back and forth, checked their watches frequently, spoke into their sleeves.  Security people were the same the world over.  But now one group of four moved off toward the eastern side of the compound, through the garden pathway there and toward the “back” gate.  They wore dark sunglasses but their heads were never still, continuously looking for signs of a threat.  That could only mean one thing.  One, or more, of the royals would be coming out soon, and probably would be going on one of their fabled walks.  The old man smirked and wondered at the awareness of the queen and the commotion she caused, of the number of people she affected every time she made even the simplest of decisions.  He grunted. She probably had three maids to rinse her hanky whenever she sneezed.

Sure enough, here she came now.  The queen, along with the young prince, himself, and that odd chaperone fellow that seemed to go everywhere the queen went.  They were dressed for poor weather, complete with overcoats and umbrellas.  No doubt, they expected coming rain, so common in these parts at this time of year, but he doubted they realized the true extent of what was to come in less than one hour’s time.  Or perhaps they did? Could this excursion be as innocent as it seemed? Did they know? 

Rubbish!  His plans were exquisite, and yes, there was the proof.  Margo and John had left their bench with John strolling nonchalantly after the route of the royals. Margo followed on his heels, frantically pestering him with questions.  It's working!  John would lead him to the hiding place.  Whether he knew, where he headed simply did not matter.  The storm had done its deed, just as the old man knew it would.  And John’s mind responded. The old man clutched his pointy hat firmly in one hand, gave a comforting squeeze to his tall walking stick, and prepared to follow.

The first lightning bolt of the storm cracked nearby sending gushing thunder rumbling across the valley, and the trees began to bow to the power of the gathering winds.

Chapters

11

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Raymond Terry wrote 348 days ago

I am putting this up with six stars because Autho doesn't offer seven.

Admittedly, it has taken me quite some time to read it all the way through and at this point, all I can say is HURRAY!..'

I suppose, were I a Connecticut Yankee, instead of an unreconstructed Confederate, I might be tempted to wave a flag..(.sporting a 'white' dragon, of course,) but since I am a fifth generation Floridian, with only some very shirt tail British ancestry, all I can manage is a profound thank you to Mary and David for this wonderful addition to a list of sequels reaching from well before Malory and Chretien de Troyes, through T H White and Dennis Lee Anderson to the recent historical portrayal by Clive Owen.

The compendium of legend surrounding this once and future king is vast. To behold, not merely as some thing beheld, this expansion of a tale so well known is a privilege beyond compare and quite the thing that held my attention all the way to the end.

Since Arthur/ Arth Vawr, the great bear who succeeds the dragon, is such a fixture of our collective imaginings, this faithful retelling, and clever embellishment of that myth, hitting so close to home for all of us, will find an audience of acceptance reaching far beyond any fantasy or YA market. Who amongst us does does not yearn for the love these characters find as this sweeping story unfolds, even Sorikon...

Although late in rallying to your flag,due to the time it has taken me to read this tale, I am proud to support your work. RT

P.S.
And will someone please tell me what happened to to the rest of that tower on Glastonbury Tor? I mean, if the original church was really mined for materials, why didn't the thieves take all of it?

Stark Silvercoin wrote 849 days ago

A King in Time tells a really good story that seems perfectly situated for the young adult market. While the legend of King Arthur (and Merlin and the rest of them from the original story) has been told and re-told many times, including putting the characters into modern day settings, this tale is unique in the way that it mergers the future and past.

The tale begins with a mystery, as all YA books should start with either a mystery to be solved or an action sequence to be resolved. It flows well from that point forward, our initial questions enough to keep us reading through some of the less exciting chapters. Given that this is aimed at YA, you might consider pushing the pace just a little bit more and eliminating or severely paring down some of the chapters. Young readers tend to have shorter attention spans than adults and doing so might help to keep a younger audience enthralled.

The dialog is particularly good, especially as it mixes a great number of people from various social classes and time zones. But each character is appropriate based on who they are and where they are from. My one slight nitpick would be that Arthur Wales would probably speak a bit more casual than he does here. Given that the current Prince William and Harry are extremely casual speakers (proper but without pretense) I can only imagine that the royal family would continue this trend into the future.

Author Mary Enck and David Gutscher do a masterful job of description no matter what time we happen to be experiencing. All five senses are included in all cases, drawing us right down to modern day London street level or back to the days of yore. It’s all very seamless and believable, which isn’t an easy thing to do given the fantastical nature of the tale.

While I think the YA market would certainly embrace A King in Time, I suspect that adults would as well. It’s got all the positives to make it work as an adult fantasy tale, and so becomes the rarest of books that young people and their parents could both enjoy. I predict that A King in Time will have much success when published.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Kenneth Edward Lim wrote 1066 days ago

Mary,
I followed the sedate, stately pace of your book as it progressed inexorably to the point where the Arthur of modern times met up with his namesake King Arthur of Britannia. It was a brilliant treatise around one of the great "what-ifs" ever. Your characterizations are thorough, your prose easy to comprehend and dialogue uncluttered. Thank you for this majestic piece written for the pleasure of the masses.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

~mak~ wrote 1344 days ago

This is a great read, I almost marathoned this book in one go since it kept me mesmerised and the plot compelled me to read on.
What can I say; a great story, good characters (I love the air of royalty and dignity that flows with them), well-timed suspense and fine dialogues.

thank you for putting it up here so I had the chance to read it.
Backed

PCreturned wrote 1355 days ago

This is a professional piece of writing, clearly written by somebody who takes the work seriously.

With your story, you've managed to put a new and interesting spin on the Arthurian legends, and have given it a fresh lease of life in the process. We are treated to a seamless melding of legend, time travel and contemporary fiction.

I'm more than happy to back this book, and wish you all the best with it. :)

Pete

Sharahzade wrote 9 days ago

Chapters Ten and Eleven inclusive

Arthur's dream at the cottage and the juxtaposition with the old man - very well handled!!

And the John and Margo dancing to a wise-man's tune.

Priceless!

It flows

Darius
PS I really like this



Darius, such dedication to my story. I am so thrilled to get your reactions. You are almost in the time portal. Very soon, my friend, very soon.

Thank you,

Mary

Darius Stransky wrote 9 days ago

Chapters Ten and Eleven inclusive

Arthur's dream at the cottage and the juxtaposition with the old man - very well handled!!

And the John and Margo dancing to a wise-man's tune.

Priceless!

It flows

Darius
PS I really like this

Darius Stransky wrote 15 days ago

Chapters Eight and Nine inclusive

Many questions raised and possible answers but you still keep us in suspense.

In Nine we get more of an insight into John's head as he puzzles over events in an attempt to understand just what's going on.

References to King A and the blackbird are as intriguing as ever

I see you are 'stuck' at 141 I'll do something about that in 22 days

Many thanks and best wishes

Darius

Sam Barclay wrote 16 days ago

Hi Mary,

I have thoroughly enjoyed reading this first chapter. I like the idea of setting this in the future. The writing is lean and moves the story on quickly. I have given you 5 stars. What follows are just a few very minor nits with the intention of helping you polish your m/s. Here goes:

I counted at least 4x 'seemed' so you might want to make the odd tweak in that respect.
Hyphenate 'man made'?
By 'seemed sincere' I'd like a little more description of the old man. I'm guessing he's Meryln but I think a little more detail would help the reader visualise things...even if it's just the staff.
Could you give us a quick example of one of these 'customs' ? The pay off is to add depth to your worldbuilding and identify with Arthur's distaste for boring rituals etc.
Please(,) sir
'those things you wish' is a good hook.

Overall, as I say, an excellent read so far.

If you could take a look at 'Dax,' I'd be extremely grateful to you.

Cheers, Sam

Sharahzade wrote 17 days ago

Thank you, Tracy. I look forward to reading your book. It appears to be a story I would love.

Very enjoyable, well done and lots of luck.
Backed.
Tracy

tracy t wrote 17 days ago

Very enjoyable, well done and lots of luck.
Backed.
Tracy

Zoe Morgan wrote 23 days ago


Hi Mary and David :-)

A review for WTF

 

Pitch – Captivating! I am a huge fan of the myths of Camelot and King Arthur’s Knights.


Although it’s set in 2100 AD, it reads like a historical novel, as though Arthur and his mother, Elizabeth III live in the seventeenth century. The way they speak, her badgering for him to take a wife. It might be because Arthur is royal but our royal family today our quite modern. I reckon things would become less informal in a hundred years time. I only say this as I haven’t read the parts where we go back in time and I imagine there wouldn’t be so much of a contrast between the narrative in 2100 and in the 400s.

Chapter 1

A good opening chapter,  we get to know a little about Arthur and the intrigue if the old man who hints at a  prophesy of his future.


- “The old man just stood there leaning on his staff and smiling as if he already knew all that Arthur was telling him…” I just wondered if it would be better to simplify this sentence to show, rather than tell… maybe something like… “The old man leant against his staff and smiled. He already knew the histories .”


- “or the fog would cause it to become difficult to find his way back to the road…” –  another sentence which could be simplified: “the fog would make it difficult to find his way back to the road.
 

Chapter 2

The questions keep coming! I like it! Who is John? Is he Arthur of Camelot?

 

Just a few comments:


-“ with her appearance and little else, unless (there was) something or someone advantageous to her.”

- John is surprise to learn he’s been in hospital a whole year  when he thought it was only a week – yet in the beginning of the chapter, he remembers that it is now spring, not August.

- “The Bobbies who filed the report.” – This sounds like a cheesy British stereotype thing to say “Bobbies”  – Police would be better, I think more people would understand what it meant.

- “There was an intensity to the gaze that came from those eyes…” – a gaze always comes from the eyes. Maybe “There was an intensity to his gaze”

-

Chapter 3

 

Another nice hook at the end here.

 

I enjoyed this and will read on for sure, this is a very interesting concept! Your narrative flows nicely and there is a real sense of mystery.

 

I’ve given this high stars and added it to my watch list. I wish you all the very best.

Zoe x

Authonomy Editors wrote 28 days ago

Some very convoluted sentence construction actually inhibits the story here. I often found myself reading things twice to work out what you were trying to say.

For example:

'Arthur loved the ancient stones and trees that came long before such things as buildings with skeletons of steelwork in the minds of men.'

I sort of know what you are trying to say but the sentence doesn't really make sense. Are the skeletons of steelwork actually inside the minds of men? I think you mean that Arthur prefers natural stone and wood to man-made structures, nature over technology, but you have written in it such unnatural fashion that is loses all impact.

'A ringing of the phone signaled a call coming in from his mother' by which you mean his mother was on the phone.

Perhaps you are trying for a particular style of writing, something that feels antiquated? I am not sure. I am sure that it doesn't work though. It is annoying and gets in the way of any story that might be there.

As an editor my advice is to cut out the complex style and tell the story in a more honest and direct way. Until then I think you will struggle to find a publisher for this.

Sharahzade wrote 72 days ago

Chapters 5 - 6 and 7 inclusive.

Things hotting up now eh?
Lovely scenes in London and in the country.
Must admit our 'pale rider' came out of nowhere.
Your characters are certainly fleshing out.
Very good
I will be back
Best
Darius
The King's Jew



Thank you once more Darius. "Hotting up,"? So pleased you are enjoying the adventure.

Mary

Darius Stransky wrote 73 days ago

Chapters 5 - 6 and 7 inclusive.

Things hotting up now eh?
Lovely scenes in London and in the country.
Must admit our 'pale rider' came out of nowhere.
Your characters are certainly fleshing out.
Very good
I will be back
Best
Darius
The King's Jew

Sharahzade wrote 77 days ago

Came back for another look
Up to Chapter 5 now
I am impressed at the way you handled the 'prophet's return to the hospital.
There are wheels within wheels here and I feel I am just beginning to mesh with some of the cogs you have so enticingly set in motion.
Another star added
Thanks again for backing mine
Best wishes
Darius
The King's Jew



Your enjoyment of my creation is appreciated more than I can express. Thank you for your diligence in reading on. I hope you continue through to the end. It's all there. Should you find the time to do that, I would love to hear what you think. I love your analogy of " . . . wheels within wheels . . ." Reflecting on that really gave me another insight to what I wanted to achieve.

Best wishes to you with your novel. I was a pleasure to comment.

Mary Enck

Darius Stransky wrote 77 days ago

Came back for another look
Up to Chapter 5 now
I am impressed at the way you handled the 'prophet's return to the hospital.
There are wheels within wheels here and I feel I am just beginning to mesh with some of the cogs you have so enticingly set in motion.
Another star added
Thanks again for backing mine
Best wishes
Darius
The King's Jew

Darius Stransky wrote 97 days ago

A King in Time
Read chapters 1 & 2 and look forward to continuing.
An interesting premise in this book one I wish to pursue.
Is it believable? Who cares. It's a story - a darn good story.
An old saying goes as follows - It is good to live for a while in a book
I intend to do just that with A King in Time
Best wishes
Darius

Sharahzade wrote 265 days ago

timed I rebacked, eh? :-D



Many thanks :) I refuse to give up here.

celticwriter wrote 265 days ago

timed I rebacked, eh? :-D

Raymond Terry wrote 348 days ago

I am putting this up with six stars because Autho doesn't offer seven.

Admittedly, it has taken me quite some time to read it all the way through and at this point, all I can say is HURRAY!..'

I suppose, were I a Connecticut Yankee, instead of an unreconstructed Confederate, I might be tempted to wave a flag..(.sporting a 'white' dragon, of course,) but since I am a fifth generation Floridian, with only some very shirt tail British ancestry, all I can manage is a profound thank you to Mary and David for this wonderful addition to a list of sequels reaching from well before Malory and Chretien de Troyes, through T H White and Dennis Lee Anderson to the recent historical portrayal by Clive Owen.

The compendium of legend surrounding this once and future king is vast. To behold, not merely as some thing beheld, this expansion of a tale so well known is a privilege beyond compare and quite the thing that held my attention all the way to the end.

Since Arthur/ Arth Vawr, the great bear who succeeds the dragon, is such a fixture of our collective imaginings, this faithful retelling, and clever embellishment of that myth, hitting so close to home for all of us, will find an audience of acceptance reaching far beyond any fantasy or YA market. Who amongst us does does not yearn for the love these characters find as this sweeping story unfolds, even Sorikon...

Although late in rallying to your flag,due to the time it has taken me to read this tale, I am proud to support your work. RT

P.S.
And will someone please tell me what happened to to the rest of that tower on Glastonbury Tor? I mean, if the original church was really mined for materials, why didn't the thieves take all of it?

Seringapatam wrote 414 days ago

Mary. I have read three chapters of your book and although I cant critique as some could on here, I can tell you how much I enjoyed it and what it did for me. The book isnt what I would normally read but it quickly got me hooked. All I can tell you is that it flowed really well and the narrative voice was really good. Your descriptions and you choice of words coupled with the pace of the delivery is what got me hooked to it. I wish you luck with this and I enjoyed it.
Sean Connolly British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

mooshypeas wrote 417 days ago

I'm a sucker for King Arthur stories or settings. I enjoyed your first chapter very much and wish you the best.
Backed.
MP

K E Shaw wrote 435 days ago

Hi Mary,
I remember your chp 1 from reading it several months ago, and did a brief scan to refresh my memories on the details before continuing - and ending up 5 chapters in! You have done a very skilful job of building up the mystery layer by layer in each chapter, so that even though we think we know where this might be going (from the pitch), we begin to wonder what exactly and how much more is really going on.
John with his amnesia, but recognising Prince Arthur at some level of his consciousness, followed by Eizabeth apparently knowing something about him that he himself does not, then the old man from chp 1 coming to visit him, and finally Elizabeth herself - and John not in fact being who she had thought - all serve to build up an intriguing set of questions that we can't help reading on to find the answers to.
I especially liked the hook at the end of chp 4, where the old man warns John to be wary of Elizabeth, and refers to the past 'evil' - you certainly are keeping the reader guessing.

The narrative flows well and easily, making this what I think is a highly readable and enjoyable tale for all ages. As you know, it's one near and dear to me, and this is a great angle you have taken on the traditional legend. I will be more than happy to continue reading and to get into the heart of this story you have created. I'd also highly recommend it to any fan of Arthurian legend that would enjoy a different take on tradition.


As I was reading, I jotted down a few a notes: (mostly because I felt I should offer some reviewing points, but I was pretty engrossed in the story, so not much!)
chp 2
Only one thing I wasn’t totally certain of was when John, after listening to Margo’s explanation, is thinking to himself that he had lost only one week, not one year - I take this to mean that in addition to not knowing who he is, John also cannot hold on to any memory for longer than one week? Maybe I’m reading this incorrectly, though?
Chp 3,
Missing comma after Arthur,
2nd para small tense issue: She smiled at how she [had] escaped

‘Regale’ as in to entertain or delight - if this is the meaning you intended, i.e. Arthur being entertained by his mother’s matchmaking efforts, perhaps a tweak of the sentence to read ‘Have you come to regale me again [with your wish/desire that I should] select a wife. Judging from the fact that Elizabeth is laughing at this, I think this is what you mean, it just reads a little strangely as it stands, as one can't regale someone to do something.

Chp 4, para 3 - there was a contradiction here, with “upon a time he preferred the hustle and bustle of city extravagance, people who scurried about with heads low...” Perhaps this needs a “but now” or “but these days, people hurried...etc” - it needs a transition from the time he did prefer the city to his current preference for the countryside.
The inclusion of the aside over the term elevators as opposed to “lifts” sidetracked me into wondering whether the old man was American? Not sure if this is intentional, perhaps a clue to some later part of the plot or background story - to imply he had spent time in/come from America? If it is included for the purpose of clarity for American readers, though, I’m not sure it’s actually necessary.

Wishing you all the best with A King in Time
Kim
The Seventh Gate

Nartana wrote 469 days ago

Very professional.

Sheldon wrote 576 days ago

A new friend on this site suggested adding books quickly to my shelf to get a user ranking established. I looked and I found your book to add since I liked the first chapter. I added your book and gave it a lot of stars and will continue to read. Hope all goes well with your book.

Sasha12345 wrote 580 days ago

I will read your book soon. I have put it on my shelf and highly starred.

Arnbjorn wrote 581 days ago

Club Grimoire Review

Chapter One

First of all, I think the pitch is really well constructed. It gives an intro to the story and establishes what it's about, and strikes just the right tone of mystery and the unknown to entice us to find out more. Going by the pitch, the story seems very interesting, blending King Arthur with time travel, just the sort of thing that YA's would feast on.

Chapter One

This opening does really well to establish and show us the character of our MC and the world that he lives in. We learn a little about his personality but also his inner thinking. There are several scenes, and the story is propelled quickly along in only a short space of time, and so I think is suited to its YA audience as far as pacing goes. The dialogue is fine in my opinion. I did catch a couple of comments about changing the formality of the prince's speech to more colloquial, which I think might be an idea. The hooks in this chapter are the foreshadowed reunion of Arthur and the mysterious man, and also the matter of the queen's attempts at matchmaking.

The main thing that I think needs attention here is the fact that Arthur does not seem to react realistically enough after he is blown off his feet. Yes he says 'what the devil was that?' and groans rising, and a frown sits on his brow in the following paragraph. But I would say the whole incident should baffle him more so. Also I think the sequence of events here should be reversed so that first he takes in the beauty of his surroundings then is blown of his feet. As it stands, the description of the scenery seems to me to get in the way of his reaction after his fall.

An enjoyable read and I'm looking forward to Arthur's time travel!

Arnbjorn

Sabina Frost wrote 582 days ago

Club Grimoire Review

You have a good grasp of the language, though you could benefit from reading it aloud to see where you should and shouldn't place commas, and your writing style is intruiging. The plot is unique in its own way, and this chapter is a good beginning to something I'm sure will develop into a nice story.

I do believe you'll have to work with letting the reader into your character's head, however, for this chapter kept its distance, somehow. We get to know very little about what Arthur thinks about what is happening.
Also, I'm confused about the time and setting - is this in the future or the past? Judging from the titles '2100', I'm guessing it's in the future, but then there is so much that don't fit in, such as the way they speak. On the other hand, it can't be the past either, since you talk about phones. Personally, I think you have to make this clearer and give us a better understanding of the time and setting. If you do that, I think this will have great potential.

Sabina

CaileD wrote 588 days ago

Grimoire review
Mmm...very nice style, IMHO just right for the YA market. Knights, Kings, etc. always a puller with the readers. I found this to be a nice piece of writing, and I can somehow feel that's it's written by two...don't know how, but it's there. Watch out for the double meaning 'action' words, ie. "A frown sat on Arthur's brow", things like that, it could get kinda surreal. But then I'm like that. Liked the characters and clean dialogue :-)
All the best
DJC

Abby Vandiver wrote 594 days ago

I love this story. Wouldn't it be wonderful to have the beauty, integrity, and wonder of Camelot? Your writing is very good and just needs a little editing. But it is certainly intriguing and exciting. Many stars frm me.

Abby

rikasworld wrote 597 days ago

I think this is a brilliant idea. I'm not a big fan of royalty but a lot of people are and would be attracted by a story about them. I've actually just re-read T H White's marvellous Once and Future King and I think the time is probably ripe for another Arthur retelling. Setting it in the future with a real Prince Arthur is a very original l idea.
I liked the idea of starting at the standing stones and the meeting with the Merlin figure and device of having Arthur bang his head introduces a nice element of uncertainty. It's a very striking opening chapter.
I see a lot of people really like the mist as a grey wolf with its belly close to the earth, I wasn't sure about introducing such a sinister image for mist but clearly that's just me, so please ignore.
I think the dialogue with Merlin is really good. The dialogue with the gentleman in waiting or whatever he is seemed a bit stilted. It's difficult as obviously it can't be too casual but it is in the future ... not sure.
It is definitely a chapter that makes you want to read on!

junetee wrote 597 days ago

Club Grimoire.

I like the beginning where Arthur's mysterious appearance is written straight into the story. I was very curious to know what was about to happen next.
It is well written with wonderful descriptive writing, bring the scene to life. One of my favorite parts was 'a fine mist crept towards him like a gray wolf with its belly close to the earth. It roamed the valley and up the incline where he looked in wonder at the veil of white laced with shadows.' I think there possibly shoud be a comma behind the 'white', but I'm not very good at commas, so I can't really say for definate, but I'm sure it needs one somewhere.
This is an interesting story and one I'm sure both YA's and adults will love. Oddly enough my second follow-on book has a sightly similar storyline going by your pitch. Its about my M/C travelling back in time and discovering he is the risen King Arthur who has returned to save the Britons from the Saxons ( and to pick up his sword tfor a later battle and return to the future for the last battle). I shouldn't say this because I haven't even put the book on the site yet.
Anyhow you have written this brilliantly. I can see just from your first chapter you have studied your history and etc to write it. I saw no signs of edits except the odd little comma as I pointed out which are minor, which I am probably wrong about anyway .
Good luck with this.
junetee
FOUR CORNERS.book one.The Rock Star

EllieMcG wrote 600 days ago

Club Grimoire: A King in Time:

I'm a big fan of knights and King Arthur's tale - so I thought this was a brilliant idea. I still do, actually. From the first chapter, I think you've set it up nicely, I that I think there's definitely a plot unfolding, and you seem to be controlling it well. You've got some great writing too.
on occasion, I think you get caught up in trying to describe too much all at once - which makes some long sentences. I like that you've taken care to involve all the senses, but I've pointed out a couple of sentences that have too many ideas stuffed in. A trick is to read it aloud and see how many breaths you need to take. :) 
Anyway, here's some comments. I hope they're on board with what you're looking for. :)

The first sentence is very long - I think it's be more effective if you shorten it. 

A brilliant flash of light surrounded him - how about "enveloped him" ?

He groaned and sat up taking in deep breaths of  the sweet fragrance - another really long sentence.
As often happens in the country, a fine mist crept toward him like a gray wolf with its belly close to the Earth - I really, really loved this Imagery. (although, I'm not convinced you need "as often happens in this country - I find it distracts from this fantastic line. It's the wrong tense, too, if you decide to keep it. 
and  continued to speak in a casual relaxed way. - you don't need both casual AND relaxed.

"Are you there?  I wanted to talk with you." - I'm not convinced by this reaction. Wouldn't he be worried for the old man disappearing in the fog, if he's a gallant, noble man? (maybe I'm reading it wrong, sorry!)

On the dialogue: it's not bad, but I was frequently confused on the timing of 2100/medieval because of the formality of the dialogue. Will people really speak like that in 2100? I think it will definitely work for your medieval scenes, but I wonder if it would be more palatable if the 2100 scenes were written with more colloquial, catchy dialogue. It's up to you, of course. I'm also not convinced a 2100 Arthur is dealing with arranged marriage issues, but again - its up to you. 

Overall, I'd read the second chapter, because I like your premise so much. It has lots of promise, and there are some seriously brilliant lines in there. I guess my overall suggestions would be to consider switching up your writing style to match your eras, but that is my totally amateur opinion. 

Anyway, hopefully some of this is helpful.  Nicely done. :) 
Ellie

Shelvis wrote 603 days ago

Club Grimoire Critique of "A King In Time" by Mary Enck

My first impression was that this has one of the most abrupt starts I've seen in a while, and I instantly came to the conclusion that it was no accident and that he had gone back in time, or through a portal of some sort, or been taken by some kind of magic. I regretted having read the pitch first, because the mysteries of the fog (which was beautifully described, btw), the quiet, and the old man (whom I recognized as Merlin) weren't as mysterious as they could have been. Even so, it was a strange and eerie experience and very well portrayed as such, which captures the spirit of Arthurian legend. It made me feel something I haven't felt in a long time: a belief in magic.

I have said this about so many of the books on the Grim, and I mean it each time: I'm really looking forward to round 2 so I can have a chance to read more than one chapter. ^_^

~ Shelley

Ferret wrote 605 days ago

Club Grimoire Review
I was very taken with the concept of this, as hinted at in the first chapter - the young, modern Arthur about to become king, meeting with - I would guess - Merlin amongst the standing stones.
I did trip on 'forced his head into contact' - I personally would have preferred 'knocked his head against', and 'Arthur frowned' instead of 'a frown sat' on his brow... but otherwise the writing was smooth.
But... and this is a purely personal reaction, but it did pull me up very short indeed... almost at the end of the chapter we hear 'he wanted more than anything to bring unity to Great Britain' followed by a reference to Ireland. What exactly *are* his intentions for Ireland? and why does he think Ireland had been unsettled 'from the time of Henry VIII?' England first invaded Ireland well before that, in 1169... I know this is fantasy, but I was completely thrown by this reference, and rather unhappy about the implications.

Lucy Middlemass wrote 611 days ago

A King In Time

Chapter One

I’ve never read anything like this, and it’s delightful. Here we have King William’s grandson, Prince Arthur, in his special place amongst the stones. He is disturbed from his peace by a gust of wind which inexplicably knocks him from his feet - a great start. He is joined by a mysterious stranger who emerges from some rather unnatural-seeming fog, and who seems to know more than he is willing to say directly. The old chap a wizardy sort, I think, and his refusal to answer Arthur’s questions properly makes for some excellent dialogue.
Having somewhat reluctantly only read the first chapter (with the Grimoire restrictions in mind) I’m left unsure whether Arthur is imagining the old man as a result of his injury or whether the injury is just a result of the change in weather caused, somehow, by the old man’s magical appearance. No matter which, it’s a great start.

The first sentence is a bit overdone for my taste - is it the tranquility of the landscape which “seems to dissolve” or the entire landscape? If it’s all of it dissolving, then what’s Arthur left with? I guess it must be just the tranquility dissolving because of the wind, but then it doesn’t “seem” to “dissolve” - surely it does?
The old man doesn’t have the full use of his arms afforded to him by the way he’s carrying his cloak because one of his arms at least is encumbered by his stick.
“and continued to speak in a casual, relaxed way.” You probably don’t need both “casual” and “relaxed”. This clause also wouldn’t work as a stand-alone sentence so doesn’t belong after a semi-colon.
“fore go” is often one word.

Other than those minor things, I couldn’t find anything to crit and I enjoyed my very brief read of what looks to be an incredibly well-researched, well-thought out and charmingly written book.

Lucy

Neville wrote 615 days ago

A King In Time.
By Mary Enck in collaboration with David Gutscher.


A really nice leisurely start to the book as Arthur meets up with the old man, strange that he knows so much about Arthur as they have a somewhat brief discussion.
I love this line, so poetic in description:-
… a fine mist crept toward him like a gray wolf with its belly close to the Earth…
I realized straight off that I’ve read this book before, quite a while ago and I liked it then, but it has been updated a lot and is more polished. It reads very well I must say.
Ch. 2/ …”….I really cannot recall anything prior to last Tuesday. Margo,” he said leaning forward… Comma after ‘Tuesday’ (before a person’s name in speech).
I like the description of the old man as he makes his way to the Mother of Mercy Hospital.
Having stopped of at Bertleby’s tavern intending to clean up, he succumbs to the odd glass of rum…’Yes, a bit of liquid courage had been just the thing’—I could picture him well with his stick swinging to and fro.
You have some really nice description running throughout the book—‘No, he preferred the quite solitude of the hills, the slower pace of life among the farmers of his homeland, the songs of the birds against a backdrop of blue skies and the gentle aroma of lilac blossoms’.
I love sections like this; they just breathe life into the book.
I admire the amount of historical data that you have managed to put together…no easy task!
A great deal of research has gone into writing this, burning into the late hours, I’m sure.
Having read the storyline before, I’ll not read further…what I will say is that the book commands a place on bookshop shelves—that is my honest opinion.
Six Stars!! Excellent writing!

Best regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

John Bayliss wrote 616 days ago

Club Grimoire Critique

Arthur is often described as "The Once and Future King" -- there are plenty of novels about the "once" half of his existance, but this is the first that I know of to consider a "future" incarnation of Arthur, too. Interesting!

I have to admit that the only bit of this chapter that I really have to take issue with is the opening sentence. I suspect that you taken a lot of trouble to get this right and re-written it several times over, but by trying to get everything you want to say into this one sentence, it ends up far too complicated for its own good. (Sorry!) I don't understand how a landscape can "embrace" him, and I don't like "seemed to dissolve" which suggests that you're not sure if it dissolved or not. (Presumably, from Arthur's viewpoint, it did dissolve, so the "seemed to" is redundant, even though it did not literally dissolve.) The phrase "forced his head into contact with" is an overcomplicated way of saying "he knocked his head against".

As the first image in the novel is an action--Arthur being blown off his feet by a gust of wind and knocking his head against a standing stone--then just show us that action happening. You don't need to mention the landscape all at this point, because it doesn't matter. In the next paragraph you've got plenty of time to give precise details of the location and anything else you need to say.

The reason why I am concentrating on this one sentence is that the rest of the chapter was fine. It read well, I found Arthur an engaging character--a young man who knows he will soon have great responsibility placed on his shoulders and is eager to do the right thing. The dialogue is just right for a young Englishman who has obviously received the best education available. (Though who knows how anyone will be talking in 88 years time!) I would be more than happy to read on to find out more about him.

I like the image of the mist. I happen to live not too far from Glastonbury (right in the centre of everything Arthurian) and believe me, more than once I have a mist rising from the Somerset Levels that could very well be described as a grey wolf!

best wishes and good writing, John

mat012 wrote 617 days ago

Club Grimoire Review:

I have ever been a fan of Arthurian legends and it seems that this group is filled with wonderful renditions of them. The idea of an Arthur in the future is one I had not come across before and quite a fun way to bring the legend to life. There were were few nitpicks I had that might help you tweak the story a bit (if they work with your vision of course):

In the first sentence you say the landscape was embracing him. How is the landscape embracing him? By sight? Sound? Smell? You don't need to give a glut of description here but maybe a little something to let us know what sort of peace he has found.

A frown sat on Arthur's brow? I can see where you are going there but it gived me a very peculiar mental image. Have you considered creased?

"I'm grateful for your concern. Just who...." These sentences don't seem particularly tied together. Have you considered putting a but in there?

The description of the mist and likening it to a wolf is fantastic.

For the most part it is a good moving pace and gives a few good hints as to who this Arthur is and who he will begin. The ending question is more than enough to get people turning the page to the next chapter and the man in the mist is a very strong hook.

Good luck,

Meagan

Sharahzade wrote 618 days ago

Club Grimoire Critique

Before I get on to my nitpicks about your first chapter, I wanted to say I think this is a very interesting idea, something quite original from what I've read so far, and certainly an opening that made me want to continue reading :)

I did find the language a stumbling point. Arthur speaks very very formally, which suggested to me that he was from the past rather than the future. Combined with the falling over the the bright flash of light at the start, I was starting to think maybe he had time-traveled. It was only when I rechecked the dates and read on that it became clear that he is a future part of the royal family - based on how the royal family, particularly the younger members, speak today, I think you could easily loosen this up a little. Don't make him a cockney by any means, but maybe relax it a little so he sounds more relatable - the majority of your YA audience are less likely to bond with the character when he's so very distant sounding.

Once I understood what was going on, I found the premise and the characters very interesting :) my biggest niggle would be with your opening paragraph. Although I think I know what you were trying to convey, it's very difficult - it's quite an emotionless moment, described almost like a scientific order of events. And then no more reference is made to it. As it's your opening statement it seems like it should be very relevant, the grinding and the bright light, but no more mention is made of them and nothing appears to have happened.

I would suggest perhaps going with a different order of events? Arthur surveying the countryside and deciding this is where he will rebuild his ancestral home, perhaps then slipping on his return to his chauffeur (or something, but it seems unlikely that a crown prince would just disappear out onto the hills when he could probably just ask to be driven there), then banging his head and THEN seeing the old man. Having his fall and then immediately seeing the stranger seems like a more likely turn of events than falling over, spending a bit of time contemplating the view, then seeing the mysterious figure.

I do think this is a really good idea, it could just use some tweaking to make it a stronger opening :) I look forward to reading more!

KT



Hello K. T.,

Thank you for your comments on A King in Time. I am pleased at how you found the idea interesting.

It's noteworthy that there have been many different observations concerning how royals may speak eighty eight years onto the future. If the present Queen is any indication, I believe that it just may continue in the dignified manner that it has for many years. I believe there are all sorts of effects on the behavior of any individual. Upbringing, associations, family influences and the lack of any siblings might have significant impact of how a character presents himself. A dear friend has told me that a formal way of speaking merely indicates a well read, educated individual. I agree with him, particularly in the way in which I have created my characters.

Ergo, it was very astute of you to find a connection to the future Arthur and that illustrious King Arthur of legend. I believe there are many hidden things in this novel that will, hopefully upon discovery, create an "Ah Ha!" moment in the reading of it. I see from your list of novels you have enjoyed mystery in abundance.

I would like to clear up one other point you raised. The first sentences are that way after I had a discussion with one of my past professors at U.C.L.A., who is also a well known literary agent. I love England and its incomparable beauty. I originally had the beginning to be more of a landscape study of the surrounding area. He felt that I might create a gripping start to this story with the way I have it written now using pure action. What I realize from this is that one cannot please everyone. It's good that it takes a variety of tastes so that readers can choose what pleases them.

Again, my thanks to you for sharing your ideas with me.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck

K.T.Bowman wrote 619 days ago

Club Grimoire Critique

Before I get on to my nitpicks about your first chapter, I wanted to say I think this is a very interesting idea, something quite original from what I've read so far, and certainly an opening that made me want to continue reading :)

I did find the language a stumbling point. Arthur speaks very very formally, which suggested to me that he was from the past rather than the future. Combined with the falling over the the bright flash of light at the start, I was starting to think maybe he had time-traveled. It was only when I rechecked the dates and read on that it became clear that he is a future part of the royal family - based on how the royal family, particularly the younger members, speak today, I think you could easily loosen this up a little. Don't make him a cockney by any means, but maybe relax it a little so he sounds more relatable - the majority of your YA audience are less likely to bond with the character when he's so very distant sounding.

Once I understood what was going on, I found the premise and the characters very interesting :) my biggest niggle would be with your opening paragraph. Although I think I know what you were trying to convey, it's very difficult - it's quite an emotionless moment, described almost like a scientific order of events. And then no more reference is made to it. As it's your opening statement it seems like it should be very relevant, the grinding and the bright light, but no more mention is made of them and nothing appears to have happened.

I would suggest perhaps going with a different order of events? Arthur surveying the countryside and deciding this is where he will rebuild his ancestral home, perhaps then slipping on his return to his chauffeur (or something, but it seems unlikely that a crown prince would just disappear out onto the hills when he could probably just ask to be driven there), then banging his head and THEN seeing the old man. Having his fall and then immediately seeing the stranger seems like a more likely turn of events than falling over, spending a bit of time contemplating the view, then seeing the mysterious figure.

I do think this is a really good idea, it could just use some tweaking to make it a stronger opening :) I look forward to reading more!

KT

Sharahzade wrote 619 days ago

Club Gilmoire Review

You set the mood pretty good, but I think the opening could use some description as to the scenery. To me, it reads like any old field, yet I know England has some beautiful landscapes. I like the introduction of the old man coming out of the fog. It seems like you’re trying to tie in the wind, the light Arthur sees after hitting his head and the sound as some mystical force that brought the old man. I think that could be done in more detail and with more mystique, so then it can be certain that Arthur didn’t just see and hear things after bumping his head from being blown over by the wind.

You bring out some good information from the dialogue with the old man. I would have expected Arthur to be more shocked that a stranger knew so much about his future – an old man talking about hearing stories of King Arthur when the old man was a child. Anyway, it is an interesting story.

N. LaRonda Johnson
http://authonomy.com/books/45790/anticipation-of-the-penitent/



Thank you N. LaRonda for your comments on A King in Time. I appreciate knowing your impressions. Best of luck to you with your novel.

Mary Enck

Sharahzade wrote 619 days ago

Grimoire Review:
This is a lovely story, set in England, quite some time in the future. The story of Arthur has been told many, many time, but you make it seem original.
The opening scene is atmospheric and mysterious as the Prince Arthur meets a strange old man who acts as though they know each other.
I also liked how you added in the media’s hype about the “return of King Arthur.” It adds a level of authenticity to the story.
Arthur’s dislike of all the media attention and cumbersome customs made him seem real and sympathetic. I definitely want to find out more about him.
This might be just me, but the second half of the chapter didn’t captivate my attention the way the first half did. I’m not a hundred percent sure why. I think part of it was the paragraphs of summarization and that to me there didn’t seem to be that much tension. It could also have been the lack of physical descriptions; I couldn’t picture clearly what Arthur’s surroundings were like the way I could the foggy countryside. The end of the chapter felt a little sudden and anticlimactic, especially when I glanced ahead at the second chapter.
Completely ignore me if this doesn’t feel right for your story, but I think you could cut that second half and add a lot of that information into the first half—his thoughts about the reactions of the already hyped-up media if they knew he was planning on rebuilding Camelot, his mixed emotions about being king, etc. You could probably even add in his mother calling him on his cellphone before he is distracted by the old man’s arrival or something. This way you could end on the stronger note of the old man’s disappearance and I think it would add a little more tension throughout. Again, this is your story, and this is just a suggestion—and maybe not a very good suggestion.
Some nitpicking:
“possible danger; and continued” I don’t think you need the semicolon there.
“casual relaxed way” at least to me, “casual” and “relaxed” are close enough in meaning that one of them seems redundant when they are used together.
“just stood there leaning” seems like it could use a comma after “there”
“Arthur’s Aide, Cromwell flung” probably needs a comma after “Cromwell”
“Please Sir” should probably be “Please, Sir”
Other than that, I thought this was very well written and you’ve made me want to find out what happens to Arthur and England.



Thank you, Kayla for your comments in A King in Time. I always appreciate notations about punctuation. I agree about the second half of the chapter and I will take a closer look at your suggestions. This is precisely why these reviews are so valuable to us. For me, it is the primary reason for participating on this site.

I look forward to reading your story of Elven Society. It sounds like an enchanting read. Best of luck to you.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck

Sharahzade wrote 619 days ago

Club Grimoire Review:

There are several retellings of the King Arthur legend, but this is the first I've seen set in the future. An interesting take on it and I'm curious to see how technology and imagined advances play into this.

I love the line describing the fog like a 'gray wolf.' I only wish you had more description of the setting and characters.

Best of luck with this!



Hello Emily:

Thank you for your comments on A King in Time. I am pleased that you like the opening chapter. Although the story begins in a future time, this tale is primarily set in yesterday. England has a rich history that has survived for hundreds of years in the way people speak, traditions and the ancient architecture that rests on the ir beautiful land. Whilst the country has their share of advances in technology, the royal essence still surrounds the area from the past and wonderous rulers who have been so colorful. For the legend of King Arthur to have survived all these ages, as a well loved story. I can only wish my writing should last that long.

For a mother of children, I am amazed that you have such a collection of stories to tell. Those you have posted here hold great interest for me and I put you on my watch list. Most certainly I will read the novel you have in the Fantasy Club Grimoire.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck

Sharahzade wrote 619 days ago

Club Grimoire Review:

This is definitely the first Arthur tale I've heard of taking place in at least two points in time, not to mention two Arthurs.

The first location in the story seems a good place to start, someplace that connects both of the central characters. I think you were hinting that the old man could be Merlin, which could also be pretty neat.

Being about King Arthur, your story already has a lure big and familiar enough to set it apart from others. The original (as far as I can tell) spin you've adapted is surely enough to highlight it among the rest. Its rating here is as good an indicator of its popularity as you should need.



Hello Meera,

Thank you for your comments on A King in Time. It's good to know that my intention to set the scene for mystery have done their job. The old man may not necessarily be Merlyn. There are other characters in the story yet to come and I hope everyone will read far enough into the tale to discover what takes place.

I read your long pitch and it is so well done and intriguing, I look forward to reading your story.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck

Sharahzade wrote 619 days ago

Club Grimoire Critique

Always nice to see another Arthurian, one of my own currently non-authonomy projects deals with heavy Arthurian motifs, so every contrast I find is of interest.

This story in particular is very interesting, not because it's Arthurian, but because of its originality and unique premise. I'm always interested in time travel as well, and the idea of two Arthurs is an intriguing one, as well as an alternate history.

The writing is also very good, well paced and well styled with some great insights into the main Arthur character and a fantastic air of mystery about the stranger. No nitpicks or criticisms pop out at me, so all in all, well done, and highly starred.

KT



Hi Rachel,

I thank you kindly for your insightful review of A King in Time. To get a point of view from one who really appreciates this genre of fiction, means so much. I am pleased at your comments and I am compelled to read your story too. I have been in the process of moving my residence and it has kept me away from the computer. It's refreshing to return and I will be very interested to read your work.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck

Karataratakas wrote 620 days ago

Club Grimoire Critique

Always nice to see another Arthurian, one of my own currently non-authonomy projects deals with heavy Arthurian motifs, so every contrast I find is of interest.

This story in particular is very interesting, not because it's Arthurian, but because of its originality and unique premise. I'm always interested in time travel as well, and the idea of two Arthurs is an intriguing one, as well as an alternate history.

The writing is also very good, well paced and well styled with some great insights into the main Arthur character and a fantastic air of mystery about the stranger. No nitpicks or criticisms pop out at me, so all in all, well done, and highly starred.

KT

Meera Taj wrote 621 days ago

Club Grimoire Review:

This is definitely the first Arthur tale I've heard of taking place in at least two points in time, not to mention two Arthurs.

The first location in the story seems a good place to start, someplace that connects both of the central characters. I think you were hinting that the old man could be Merlin, which could also be pretty neat.

Being about King Arthur, your story already has a lure big and familiar enough to set it apart from others. The original (as far as I can tell) spin you've adapted is surely enough to highlight it among the rest. Its rating here is as good an indicator of its popularity as you should need.

Emily Rebecca wrote 623 days ago

Club Grimoire Review:

There are several retellings of the King Arthur legend, but this is the first I've seen set in the future. An interesting take on it and I'm curious to see how technology and imagined advances play into this.

I love the line describing the fog like a 'gray wolf.' I only wish you had more description of the setting and characters.

Best of luck with this!

Kayla H wrote 623 days ago

Grimoire Review:
This is a lovely story, set in England, quite some time in the future. The story of Arthur has been told many, many time, but you make it seem original.
The opening scene is atmospheric and mysterious as the Prince Arthur meets a strange old man who acts as though they know each other.
I also liked how you added in the media’s hype about the “return of King Arthur.” It adds a level of authenticity to the story.
Arthur’s dislike of all the media attention and cumbersome customs made him seem real and sympathetic. I definitely want to find out more about him.
This might be just me, but the second half of the chapter didn’t captivate my attention the way the first half did. I’m not a hundred percent sure why. I think part of it was the paragraphs of summarization and that to me there didn’t seem to be that much tension. It could also have been the lack of physical descriptions; I couldn’t picture clearly what Arthur’s surroundings were like the way I could the foggy countryside. The end of the chapter felt a little sudden and anticlimactic, especially when I glanced ahead at the second chapter.
Completely ignore me if this doesn’t feel right for your story, but I think you could cut that second half and add a lot of that information into the first half—his thoughts about the reactions of the already hyped-up media if they knew he was planning on rebuilding Camelot, his mixed emotions about being king, etc. You could probably even add in his mother calling him on his cellphone before he is distracted by the old man’s arrival or something. This way you could end on the stronger note of the old man’s disappearance and I think it would add a little more tension throughout. Again, this is your story, and this is just a suggestion—and maybe not a very good suggestion.
Some nitpicking:
“possible danger; and continued” I don’t think you need the semicolon there.
“casual relaxed way” at least to me, “casual” and “relaxed” are close enough in meaning that one of them seems redundant when they are used together.
“just stood there leaning” seems like it could use a comma after “there”
“Arthur’s Aide, Cromwell flung” probably needs a comma after “Cromwell”
“Please Sir” should probably be “Please, Sir”
Other than that, I thought this was very well written and you’ve made me want to find out what happens to Arthur and England.

Chancelet wrote 625 days ago

Club Gilmoire Review

You set the mood pretty good, but I think the opening could use some description as to the scenery. To me, it reads like any old field, yet I know England has some beautiful landscapes. I like the introduction of the old man coming out of the fog. It seems like you’re trying to tie in the wind, the light Arthur sees after hitting his head and the sound as some mystical force that brought the old man. I think that could be done in more detail and with more mystique, so then it can be certain that Arthur didn’t just see and hear things after bumping his head from being blown over by the wind.

You bring out some good information from the dialogue with the old man. I would have expected Arthur to be more shocked that a stranger knew so much about his future – an old man talking about hearing stories of King Arthur when the old man was a child. Anyway, it is an interesting story.

N. LaRonda Johnson
http://authonomy.com/books/45790/anticipation-of-the-penitent/

Zyg wrote 629 days ago

Club Grimoire Review.

I have to say that this left me unenthused. For me the language was imprecise, clumsy and flowery.

For example, how on Earth does a landscape embrace someone? And then seem to dissolve?

The wind “... forced his head into contact with one of the nearby Standing Stones.” Surely you mean he banged his head as he went down? This reads like the wind grabbed hold of his head – and just his head, not the rest of him – and pushed it against “one of the nearby Standing Stones”. “Nearby”? As opposed to distant?

Then your next sentence: “A brilliant flash of light surrounded him, followed by a grinding sound from beneath the Earth”. There’s a mis-match between the two halves of the sentence. “There was a brilliant flash of light, followed by a grinding sound...” is grammatical. What you have isn’t – and it also suggests that the grinding sound surrounded him.

To be horribly blunt, I had at least one problem with nearly every sentence. You might well have a great story here but the style you’re employing keeps drawing attention to itself and getting in the way.

eloravelle wrote 629 days ago

Club Grimoire Review-

At first this seems like just plain old King Arthur walking around int the fields, and moors.

But then you put the word Prince. This catches me off guard.Since when has he ever been Prince? I have always known him as King.

So I figure to myself okay this is different. Extremely so especially when I read the lines social media and the time period 2100.

I definitely would like to see where this goes. What technology you will bring in and how this unfolds.

-Elora

Writer in Red wrote 629 days ago

Club Grimoire Critique

What a fantastic beginning! I can already see a movie appearing from these words. I love the mystery of the old man and Arthur's reluctance. By the end of the chapter I have a feeling that Arthur is a spoiled brat which only adds to his character that, I am guessing, will grow and change throughout the story. Wonderful descriptions of the time and place. Much research must have gone into this. My only concern is that I was unsure whether Arthur was from the past going to the present. Perhaps make it clear that Arthur is wearing a modern coat or he pulls out his cellphone. Something instead of just 2100. Other than that a great start and I want to read more. Best of luck.