Book Jacket

 

rank 136
word count 104750
date submitted 06.02.2010
date updated 12.12.2012
genres: Fiction, Historical Fiction, Scienc...
classification: universal
complete

A King in Time

Mary Enck in collaboration with David Gutscher

Arthur Prince of Wales and future King of England must decide if he wants to return to his own time in 2100 A.D.

 

Like his predecessor, the Legendary King Arthur, the passion of the young prince is to unite all of Great Britain in peace. His secret desire is to rebuild ancient Camelot. When he visits the original site, he encounters a prophetic gentleman who seems to know the future, or perhaps he speaks of the past.

Later, as Prince Arthur ponders the true identity of the man, a total solar eclipse occurs and propels him into the Fifth Century. It is only when the prince finally accepts the eclipse has directed the event, time begins to slip once more. It is then he discovers there is more to consider than space-time theories.

When the prince meets his namesake, they form a brotherly bond. Perhaps this meeting has been foretold and hidden in the promise made by King Arthur hundreds of years in the past to return when Britannia needs him once more.




 
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tags

, alternate history, britannia, dragons, fantasy, honor, humor, kings, love, merlin, merlyn, time travel, young adult

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Chapters

30

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Chapter 30

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CHAPTER 30

Piercing eyes gleamed with fanatic intent from the cloaked figure. He stood outside the tower window perched on a narrow ledge like some dark raven poised for flight. He smiled in satisfaction at the things he had just witnessed, many things that were in his favor. Now he knew the dragon still lived and from time to time leaves his lair to venture out leaving the treasures unguarded. 

At first, he had been enraged that they had all slipped through time together. He did not need Tony, or even Margo, although she had been somewhat handy just to gain information on what was being said, what the others knew and what they intended. He had leached all the information out of her that he could manage in the span of a few hours. Then he sent her back with her friends. He found his attraction to her to be extremely puzzling.   

What he did need was Arthur and Merlyn to work together and lead him to the location of the treasures.  But this could not take place until certain events played themselves out in time.  It was still too soon and they would need watching to be certain events were not changed from their original patterns before they could lead him to the treasures. He had to move them forward in time.

It was going to be very touchy now that John had regained his memory and knew he was Merlyn.  He wondered if he had also regained his skills.  Merlyn would know how to manipulate time if all his faculties were restored. 

The sound of voices growing louder as they came up the stairs had sent him scurrying out the window to hide and hopefully, overhear their conversations. That had taken a great deal of his energy, for he had grown old in that accursed future while he waited for the new Arthur to be born and for Merlyn to come looking for him.  It was just a rare stroke of good fortune that Merlyn met with atmospheric anomalies that disturbed his transit from so many years in the past and gave him amnesia. It had been very clever of Merlyn to go back to his younger years before attempting the journey. Yes, Merlyn was clever, but not invulnerable to an occasional mistake in judgment.

If only he could get his hands on the chalice,  and with what he had learned; he would have more power than anyone who had ever lived. He struggled to be patient. Even though he was a little mad, he was not stupid. So he waited and listened as they all came to the room where he had purposely lit a torch so they would come to him. He knew they were looking for Elizabeth.  He also knew they were out there and he wanted them close so he could listen and learn of their plans.  They must be feeling very vulnerable and have clearly realized that they were now in the past.

He had no idea how to manage them now they were here. He could hear them questioning Merlyn. They were stunned to learn his identity when all along they thought he was Mordred. It was all he could do to keep from laughing aloud. 

It was not until Margo moved near the open window and saw him out on the ledge that he was given the opportunity to take care of the elimination of the very two that were in his way. Margo recklessly came and leaned out to see him better. Tony thought she was going to fall, so he grabbed her but in doing so, lost his balance and sent them both plummeting out into space. This presented the chance to send them forward in time.  There was not a cloud in the sky and this was a delicate challenge to his ability that he could not resist, but he had learned from a master. He was very capable of weaving the threads of the spell to make them vanish. In fact, it was so elementary to him that it was accomplished in the blink of an eye and they were gone.

Arthur stood staring in disbelief at the open window that yawned out where the two had just vanished before his eyes. Merlyn grabbed his arm and pulled him from the room, down the stairs and out into the courtyard. 

Let’s get out of here. Now!” he said. Arthur started to say something but Merlyn would hear none of it. 

Just move and do it quick.”  They ran down the road following the circular path not daring to look up to the window where Tony and Margo had disappeared. The steep descent allowed them to run fast and reach the level ground so they could take shelter in the forest. Breathless and in shock, Arthur stopped to take a moment to recover. Merlyn shook his head and spoke in low breathless tones,

We must get away from here.” 

Arthur had regained some of his ability to speak after the sprint down the hill and he protested angrily,

But they may be hurt, we have to help them.”

We cannot help them now.  They are no longer in this time with us. We have to get away from here or we might find ourselves in the same dilemma. 

Now hurry!” 

With this, Merlyn took off running again and Arthur did not hesitate to follow him.  They ran across the bridge, plunged into the dense shrubs. Soon they were covered with scratches from thorns and branches. At last, they came to a clearing that allowed them to continue running without hindrance and they just kept going. After a while, they slowed and both dropped to the ground dripping sweat and exhausted.  Both men were fit and young but they had been running for at least four miles. 

Do you think we are out of range of whatever that was?” Arthur looked wild-eyed at Merlyn. “Just what was that anyway? The air hummed like a shock wave and nearly made me deaf.  My ears are still ringing. What caused that to happen?”

Merlyn removed a water bag from his pack and took a sip, then handed it to Arthur with a kind of lop-sided grin.

That, my dear Arthur, was Magic.”

Well where did they go?  What happened to them?”

That I cannot tell you.   I didn’t make the spell.  But what I can tell you is that it was someone who knew what they were doing.

Tony and Margo could be anywhere now. We can only hope they are back where we all started and are safe.  Which reminds me, this might be what also happened to Elizabeth or it could have been a natural cause that sent her away.  The more you do this, the easier it becomes. There are many things that can cause it to occur.  Lightning storms, an eclipse, or even a full moon is a possibility as long as you know how to make them work. Sometimes you can just stumble into the right vibration and off you go whether you like it or not.  But this last bit was pure magic.  I could hear it and smell it.”

Merlyn stood up and motioned for Arthur to follow.

Come on, we must keep going.”

Where are we going?”

Merlyn thought for a moment before he started walking as he explained.

For now, let’s go see William, Matilda and the boy.  We will need a little help with more supplies before we set out to another destination, and I need to check on that young man.  His safety is of prime importance.”

They walked all day, only stopping briefly to take a sip of water and continue on. It was nearly sundown when they left the forest and they could see the cottage in the distance. The smell of wood smoke was an indication that supper was cooking and Arthur had never felt such eager anticipation to see his friends as he did that moment. They were nearly at the door when a tall youth walked from the house carrying a water bucket and headed down the path to the nearby stream. Arthur stopped in shock and looked at Merlyn. 

It happened to us too. Didn’t it?”

Merlyn looked down at the ground, shook his head, then turned his eyes on Arthur and they were filled with tears.

Yes.  Yes it did.” Then he pointed to the youth that was bending to fill his water bucket. “There is the future King of England and his time has come.”

As Merlyn started to walk toward the young man, Arthur grabbed his arm.

Wait just a minute. What if whoever did this to us, is here with us too? Isn’t that a possibility?”

Merlyn shrugged,

No doubt.”

Their conversation had attracted the boy and he came hurrying toward them, then stopped as he recognized whom they were and dropped the bucket, then came on running.

Arthur!  John!  Is it really you?  Oh, I have waited so long to see you again.  I have so much to tell you.”

He laughed and ran up giving each of them a strong hug.

Why didn’t you come sooner? I guess Lamrey couldn’t make you come so you must have been very busy.”

Arthur could not bring himself to say that they had only been away since the day before. It was almost too much to digest so he just kept quiet smiled at the boy and drew the small wooden horse from his tunic to show him he still had it. 

Well come inside, Matilda will be so happy to see you. William is ill and we could use a couple of hands around here.” He chatted all the way back, telling them all the news of his animals, his new horse, a real one, and how he kept up all the chores on his own since William had been ill.

#

Later that evening after all the welcome talk had quieted; they sat in front of the cottage and looked up at the stars.  It had been a terrifying day that ended in a warm homecoming with friends. Questions about Margo and Tony were deferred by saying they had gone on a trip to a different place. It would have been difficult to explain. As long as young Arthur was with them, Merlyn and Arthur spoke of the welcome peace they felt and talked of the constellations of the stars. At least, Arthur had that pleasure before the turmoil that was sure to come perhaps as soon as the morning. 

With Merlyn’s words ringing in his ears, Arthur was apprehensive because he knew what should take place next. But for some reason, things were not quite the same as the legends told. There had been no fostering with a lord who had a son named Cai and there was no tournament scheduled where they would go to a gathering of kings from the surrounding lands.  Would the sword be in the stone as in the legend?  Arthur was eager to have a chance to discuss this with Merlyn.  There were differences in the events, as he knew them to be.

At last, young Arthur stood and announced he was headed for bed.  He had been up since early morning and busy with his work.  He smiled at each of them and went inside.

Good Night Arthur.” Merlyn watched him go then turned to gaze up at the stars once more. 

Ancient stars; there is the true magic, Arthur.”

How can you be so relaxed and casual right now?  We are in a real pickle here.”

Now pickle is a curious thing to say.  I suppose you mean that we can expect more trouble.  Is that right?”

Yes that is exactly what I mean. I am worried about many things.  Like what do we do if this magic caster shows up looking for us and sends us off somewhere we may not want to go?  I think we should get out of here first thing in the morning if not sooner so that our friends will not be in danger. But that is not really what is bothering me so much. I know you are the greatest wizard in all history. So you should be able to handle any kind of trouble.”

Well come on and tell me what really is bothering you then.”

Arthur thought that Merlyn had developed a most penetrating gaze since his memory  returned, compelling was the word that came to his mind. There was more there than just memory. All the power of his greatness was returning as well.

All right here it is then.  I am sure you are aware of the legends of King Arthur.  Many books have been written about him. He has been a legend for centuries. But the story has remained fairly consistent when it comes to how he became King. Now here I am right in the middle of the event and things are not the same.”

Merlyn just smiled and looked up at the stars again. “I suggest that you wait and see what happens. It will all play out as it is meant to.  If it is different than you expect, then perhaps it will turn out for the best. We have a long way to go before this adventure is finished, Arthur. The fact that you are here plays a very important part in the outcome. I will tell you this much.  By being here, you are fulfilling a promise. One day you will understand that.”

Chapters

30

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Raymond Terry wrote 11 days ago

I am putting this up with six stars because Autho doesn't offer seven.

Admittedly, it has taken me quite some time to read it all the way through and at this point, all I can say is HURRAY!..'

I suppose, were I a Connecticut Yankee, instead of an unreconstructed Confederate, I might be tempted to wave a flag..(.sporting a 'white' dragon, of course,) but since I am a fifth generation Floridian, with only some very shirt tail British ancestry, all I can manage is a profound thank you to Mary and David for this wonderful addition to a list of sequels reaching from well before Malory and Chretien de Troyes, through T H White and Dennis Lee Anderson to the recent historical portrayal by Clive Owen.

The compendium of legend surrounding this once and future king is vast. To behold, not merely as some thing beheld, this expansion of a tale so well known is a privilege beyond compare and quite the thing that held my attention all the way to the end.

Since Arthur/ Arth Vawr, the great bear who succeeds the dragon, is such a fixture of our collective imaginings, this faithful retelling, and clever embellishment of that myth, hitting so close to home for all of us, will find an audience of acceptance reaching far beyond any fantasy or YA market. Who amongst us does does not yearn for the love these characters find as this sweeping story unfolds, even Sorikon...

Although late in rallying to your flag,due to the time it has taken me to read this tale, I am proud to support your work. RT

P.S.
And will someone please tell me what happened to to the rest of that tower on Glastonbury Tor? I mean, if the original church was really mined for materials, why didn't the thieves take all of it?

Stark Silvercoin wrote 512 days ago

A King in Time tells a really good story that seems perfectly situated for the young adult market. While the legend of King Arthur (and Merlin and the rest of them from the original story) has been told and re-told many times, including putting the characters into modern day settings, this tale is unique in the way that it mergers the future and past.

The tale begins with a mystery, as all YA books should start with either a mystery to be solved or an action sequence to be resolved. It flows well from that point forward, our initial questions enough to keep us reading through some of the less exciting chapters. Given that this is aimed at YA, you might consider pushing the pace just a little bit more and eliminating or severely paring down some of the chapters. Young readers tend to have shorter attention spans than adults and doing so might help to keep a younger audience enthralled.

The dialog is particularly good, especially as it mixes a great number of people from various social classes and time zones. But each character is appropriate based on who they are and where they are from. My one slight nitpick would be that Arthur Wales would probably speak a bit more casual than he does here. Given that the current Prince William and Harry are extremely casual speakers (proper but without pretense) I can only imagine that the royal family would continue this trend into the future.

Author Mary Enck and David Gutscher do a masterful job of description no matter what time we happen to be experiencing. All five senses are included in all cases, drawing us right down to modern day London street level or back to the days of yore. It’s all very seamless and believable, which isn’t an easy thing to do given the fantastical nature of the tale.

While I think the YA market would certainly embrace A King in Time, I suspect that adults would as well. It’s got all the positives to make it work as an adult fantasy tale, and so becomes the rarest of books that young people and their parents could both enjoy. I predict that A King in Time will have much success when published.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Kenneth Edward Lim wrote 729 days ago

Mary,
I followed the sedate, stately pace of your book as it progressed inexorably to the point where the Arthur of modern times met up with his namesake King Arthur of Britannia. It was a brilliant treatise around one of the great "what-ifs" ever. Your characterizations are thorough, your prose easy to comprehend and dialogue uncluttered. Thank you for this majestic piece written for the pleasure of the masses.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

~mak~ wrote 1007 days ago

This is a great read, I almost marathoned this book in one go since it kept me mesmerised and the plot compelled me to read on.
What can I say; a great story, good characters (I love the air of royalty and dignity that flows with them), well-timed suspense and fine dialogues.

thank you for putting it up here so I had the chance to read it.
Backed

PCreturned wrote 1018 days ago

This is a professional piece of writing, clearly written by somebody who takes the work seriously.

With your story, you've managed to put a new and interesting spin on the Arthurian legends, and have given it a fresh lease of life in the process. We are treated to a seamless melding of legend, time travel and contemporary fiction.

I'm more than happy to back this book, and wish you all the best with it. :)

Pete

Raymond Terry wrote 11 days ago

I am putting this up with six stars because Autho doesn't offer seven.

Admittedly, it has taken me quite some time to read it all the way through and at this point, all I can say is HURRAY!..'

I suppose, were I a Connecticut Yankee, instead of an unreconstructed Confederate, I might be tempted to wave a flag..(.sporting a 'white' dragon, of course,) but since I am a fifth generation Floridian, with only some very shirt tail British ancestry, all I can manage is a profound thank you to Mary and David for this wonderful addition to a list of sequels reaching from well before Malory and Chretien de Troyes, through T H White and Dennis Lee Anderson to the recent historical portrayal by Clive Owen.

The compendium of legend surrounding this once and future king is vast. To behold, not merely as some thing beheld, this expansion of a tale so well known is a privilege beyond compare and quite the thing that held my attention all the way to the end.

Since Arthur/ Arth Vawr, the great bear who succeeds the dragon, is such a fixture of our collective imaginings, this faithful retelling, and clever embellishment of that myth, hitting so close to home for all of us, will find an audience of acceptance reaching far beyond any fantasy or YA market. Who amongst us does does not yearn for the love these characters find as this sweeping story unfolds, even Sorikon...

Although late in rallying to your flag,due to the time it has taken me to read this tale, I am proud to support your work. RT

P.S.
And will someone please tell me what happened to to the rest of that tower on Glastonbury Tor? I mean, if the original church was really mined for materials, why didn't the thieves take all of it?

Seringapatam wrote 77 days ago

Mary. I have read three chapters of your book and although I cant critique as some could on here, I can tell you how much I enjoyed it and what it did for me. The book isnt what I would normally read but it quickly got me hooked. All I can tell you is that it flowed really well and the narrative voice was really good. Your descriptions and you choice of words coupled with the pace of the delivery is what got me hooked to it. I wish you luck with this and I enjoyed it.
Sean Connolly British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

mooshypeas wrote 80 days ago

I'm a sucker for King Arthur stories or settings. I enjoyed your first chapter very much and wish you the best.
Backed.
MP

K E Shaw wrote 98 days ago

Hi Mary,
I remember your chp 1 from reading it several months ago, and did a brief scan to refresh my memories on the details before continuing - and ending up 5 chapters in! You have done a very skilful job of building up the mystery layer by layer in each chapter, so that even though we think we know where this might be going (from the pitch), we begin to wonder what exactly and how much more is really going on.
John with his amnesia, but recognising Prince Arthur at some level of his consciousness, followed by Eizabeth apparently knowing something about him that he himself does not, then the old man from chp 1 coming to visit him, and finally Elizabeth herself - and John not in fact being who she had thought - all serve to build up an intriguing set of questions that we can't help reading on to find the answers to.
I especially liked the hook at the end of chp 4, where the old man warns John to be wary of Elizabeth, and refers to the past 'evil' - you certainly are keeping the reader guessing.

The narrative flows well and easily, making this what I think is a highly readable and enjoyable tale for all ages. As you know, it's one near and dear to me, and this is a great angle you have taken on the traditional legend. I will be more than happy to continue reading and to get into the heart of this story you have created. I'd also highly recommend it to any fan of Arthurian legend that would enjoy a different take on tradition.


As I was reading, I jotted down a few a notes: (mostly because I felt I should offer some reviewing points, but I was pretty engrossed in the story, so not much!)
chp 2
Only one thing I wasn’t totally certain of was when John, after listening to Margo’s explanation, is thinking to himself that he had lost only one week, not one year - I take this to mean that in addition to not knowing who he is, John also cannot hold on to any memory for longer than one week? Maybe I’m reading this incorrectly, though?
Chp 3,
Missing comma after Arthur,
2nd para small tense issue: She smiled at how she [had] escaped

‘Regale’ as in to entertain or delight - if this is the meaning you intended, i.e. Arthur being entertained by his mother’s matchmaking efforts, perhaps a tweak of the sentence to read ‘Have you come to regale me again [with your wish/desire that I should] select a wife. Judging from the fact that Elizabeth is laughing at this, I think this is what you mean, it just reads a little strangely as it stands, as one can't regale someone to do something.

Chp 4, para 3 - there was a contradiction here, with “upon a time he preferred the hustle and bustle of city extravagance, people who scurried about with heads low...” Perhaps this needs a “but now” or “but these days, people hurried...etc” - it needs a transition from the time he did prefer the city to his current preference for the countryside.
The inclusion of the aside over the term elevators as opposed to “lifts” sidetracked me into wondering whether the old man was American? Not sure if this is intentional, perhaps a clue to some later part of the plot or background story - to imply he had spent time in/come from America? If it is included for the purpose of clarity for American readers, though, I’m not sure it’s actually necessary.

Wishing you all the best with A King in Time
Kim
The Seventh Gate

Nartana wrote 132 days ago

Very professional.

Sheldon wrote 239 days ago

A new friend on this site suggested adding books quickly to my shelf to get a user ranking established. I looked and I found your book to add since I liked the first chapter. I added your book and gave it a lot of stars and will continue to read. Hope all goes well with your book.

Sasha12345 wrote 243 days ago

I will read your book soon. I have put it on my shelf and highly starred.

Arnbjorn wrote 244 days ago

Club Grimoire Review

Chapter One

First of all, I think the pitch is really well constructed. It gives an intro to the story and establishes what it's about, and strikes just the right tone of mystery and the unknown to entice us to find out more. Going by the pitch, the story seems very interesting, blending King Arthur with time travel, just the sort of thing that YA's would feast on.

Chapter One

This opening does really well to establish and show us the character of our MC and the world that he lives in. We learn a little about his personality but also his inner thinking. There are several scenes, and the story is propelled quickly along in only a short space of time, and so I think is suited to its YA audience as far as pacing goes. The dialogue is fine in my opinion. I did catch a couple of comments about changing the formality of the prince's speech to more colloquial, which I think might be an idea. The hooks in this chapter are the foreshadowed reunion of Arthur and the mysterious man, and also the matter of the queen's attempts at matchmaking.

The main thing that I think needs attention here is the fact that Arthur does not seem to react realistically enough after he is blown off his feet. Yes he says 'what the devil was that?' and groans rising, and a frown sits on his brow in the following paragraph. But I would say the whole incident should baffle him more so. Also I think the sequence of events here should be reversed so that first he takes in the beauty of his surroundings then is blown of his feet. As it stands, the description of the scenery seems to me to get in the way of his reaction after his fall.

An enjoyable read and I'm looking forward to Arthur's time travel!

Arnbjorn

Sabina Frost wrote 245 days ago

Club Grimoire Review

You have a good grasp of the language, though you could benefit from reading it aloud to see where you should and shouldn't place commas, and your writing style is intruiging. The plot is unique in its own way, and this chapter is a good beginning to something I'm sure will develop into a nice story.

I do believe you'll have to work with letting the reader into your character's head, however, for this chapter kept its distance, somehow. We get to know very little about what Arthur thinks about what is happening.
Also, I'm confused about the time and setting - is this in the future or the past? Judging from the titles '2100', I'm guessing it's in the future, but then there is so much that don't fit in, such as the way they speak. On the other hand, it can't be the past either, since you talk about phones. Personally, I think you have to make this clearer and give us a better understanding of the time and setting. If you do that, I think this will have great potential.

Sabina

CaileD wrote 251 days ago

Grimoire review
Mmm...very nice style, IMHO just right for the YA market. Knights, Kings, etc. always a puller with the readers. I found this to be a nice piece of writing, and I can somehow feel that's it's written by two...don't know how, but it's there. Watch out for the double meaning 'action' words, ie. "A frown sat on Arthur's brow", things like that, it could get kinda surreal. But then I'm like that. Liked the characters and clean dialogue :-)
All the best
DJC

Abby Vandiver wrote 257 days ago

I love this story. Wouldn't it be wonderful to have the beauty, integrity, and wonder of Camelot? Your writing is very good and just needs a little editing. But it is certainly intriguing and exciting. Many stars frm me.

Abby

rikasworld wrote 260 days ago

I think this is a brilliant idea. I'm not a big fan of royalty but a lot of people are and would be attracted by a story about them. I've actually just re-read T H White's marvellous Once and Future King and I think the time is probably ripe for another Arthur retelling. Setting it in the future with a real Prince Arthur is a very original l idea.
I liked the idea of starting at the standing stones and the meeting with the Merlin figure and device of having Arthur bang his head introduces a nice element of uncertainty. It's a very striking opening chapter.
I see a lot of people really like the mist as a grey wolf with its belly close to the earth, I wasn't sure about introducing such a sinister image for mist but clearly that's just me, so please ignore.
I think the dialogue with Merlin is really good. The dialogue with the gentleman in waiting or whatever he is seemed a bit stilted. It's difficult as obviously it can't be too casual but it is in the future ... not sure.
It is definitely a chapter that makes you want to read on!

junetee wrote 260 days ago

Club Grimoire.

I like the beginning where Arthur's mysterious appearance is written straight into the story. I was very curious to know what was about to happen next.
It is well written with wonderful descriptive writing, bring the scene to life. One of my favorite parts was 'a fine mist crept towards him like a gray wolf with its belly close to the earth. It roamed the valley and up the incline where he looked in wonder at the veil of white laced with shadows.' I think there possibly shoud be a comma behind the 'white', but I'm not very good at commas, so I can't really say for definate, but I'm sure it needs one somewhere.
This is an interesting story and one I'm sure both YA's and adults will love. Oddly enough my second follow-on book has a sightly similar storyline going by your pitch. Its about my M/C travelling back in time and discovering he is the risen King Arthur who has returned to save the Britons from the Saxons ( and to pick up his sword tfor a later battle and return to the future for the last battle). I shouldn't say this because I haven't even put the book on the site yet.
Anyhow you have written this brilliantly. I can see just from your first chapter you have studied your history and etc to write it. I saw no signs of edits except the odd little comma as I pointed out which are minor, which I am probably wrong about anyway .
Good luck with this.
junetee
FOUR CORNERS.book one.The Rock Star

EllieMcG wrote 263 days ago

Club Grimoire: A King in Time:

I'm a big fan of knights and King Arthur's tale - so I thought this was a brilliant idea. I still do, actually. From the first chapter, I think you've set it up nicely, I that I think there's definitely a plot unfolding, and you seem to be controlling it well. You've got some great writing too.
on occasion, I think you get caught up in trying to describe too much all at once - which makes some long sentences. I like that you've taken care to involve all the senses, but I've pointed out a couple of sentences that have too many ideas stuffed in. A trick is to read it aloud and see how many breaths you need to take. :) 
Anyway, here's some comments. I hope they're on board with what you're looking for. :)

The first sentence is very long - I think it's be more effective if you shorten it. 

A brilliant flash of light surrounded him - how about "enveloped him" ?

He groaned and sat up taking in deep breaths of  the sweet fragrance - another really long sentence.
As often happens in the country, a fine mist crept toward him like a gray wolf with its belly close to the Earth - I really, really loved this Imagery. (although, I'm not convinced you need "as often happens in this country - I find it distracts from this fantastic line. It's the wrong tense, too, if you decide to keep it. 
and  continued to speak in a casual relaxed way. - you don't need both casual AND relaxed.

"Are you there?  I wanted to talk with you." - I'm not convinced by this reaction. Wouldn't he be worried for the old man disappearing in the fog, if he's a gallant, noble man? (maybe I'm reading it wrong, sorry!)

On the dialogue: it's not bad, but I was frequently confused on the timing of 2100/medieval because of the formality of the dialogue. Will people really speak like that in 2100? I think it will definitely work for your medieval scenes, but I wonder if it would be more palatable if the 2100 scenes were written with more colloquial, catchy dialogue. It's up to you, of course. I'm also not convinced a 2100 Arthur is dealing with arranged marriage issues, but again - its up to you. 

Overall, I'd read the second chapter, because I like your premise so much. It has lots of promise, and there are some seriously brilliant lines in there. I guess my overall suggestions would be to consider switching up your writing style to match your eras, but that is my totally amateur opinion. 

Anyway, hopefully some of this is helpful.  Nicely done. :) 
Ellie

Shelvis wrote 266 days ago

Club Grimoire Critique of "A King In Time" by Mary Enck

My first impression was that this has one of the most abrupt starts I've seen in a while, and I instantly came to the conclusion that it was no accident and that he had gone back in time, or through a portal of some sort, or been taken by some kind of magic. I regretted having read the pitch first, because the mysteries of the fog (which was beautifully described, btw), the quiet, and the old man (whom I recognized as Merlin) weren't as mysterious as they could have been. Even so, it was a strange and eerie experience and very well portrayed as such, which captures the spirit of Arthurian legend. It made me feel something I haven't felt in a long time: a belief in magic.

I have said this about so many of the books on the Grim, and I mean it each time: I'm really looking forward to round 2 so I can have a chance to read more than one chapter. ^_^

~ Shelley

Ferret wrote 268 days ago

Club Grimoire Review
I was very taken with the concept of this, as hinted at in the first chapter - the young, modern Arthur about to become king, meeting with - I would guess - Merlin amongst the standing stones.
I did trip on 'forced his head into contact' - I personally would have preferred 'knocked his head against', and 'Arthur frowned' instead of 'a frown sat' on his brow... but otherwise the writing was smooth.
But... and this is a purely personal reaction, but it did pull me up very short indeed... almost at the end of the chapter we hear 'he wanted more than anything to bring unity to Great Britain' followed by a reference to Ireland. What exactly *are* his intentions for Ireland? and why does he think Ireland had been unsettled 'from the time of Henry VIII?' England first invaded Ireland well before that, in 1169... I know this is fantasy, but I was completely thrown by this reference, and rather unhappy about the implications.

Lucy Middlemass wrote 274 days ago

A King In Time

Chapter One

I’ve never read anything like this, and it’s delightful. Here we have King William’s grandson, Prince Arthur, in his special place amongst the stones. He is disturbed from his peace by a gust of wind which inexplicably knocks him from his feet - a great start. He is joined by a mysterious stranger who emerges from some rather unnatural-seeming fog, and who seems to know more than he is willing to say directly. The old chap a wizardy sort, I think, and his refusal to answer Arthur’s questions properly makes for some excellent dialogue.
Having somewhat reluctantly only read the first chapter (with the Grimoire restrictions in mind) I’m left unsure whether Arthur is imagining the old man as a result of his injury or whether the injury is just a result of the change in weather caused, somehow, by the old man’s magical appearance. No matter which, it’s a great start.

The first sentence is a bit overdone for my taste - is it the tranquility of the landscape which “seems to dissolve” or the entire landscape? If it’s all of it dissolving, then what’s Arthur left with? I guess it must be just the tranquility dissolving because of the wind, but then it doesn’t “seem” to “dissolve” - surely it does?
The old man doesn’t have the full use of his arms afforded to him by the way he’s carrying his cloak because one of his arms at least is encumbered by his stick.
“and continued to speak in a casual, relaxed way.” You probably don’t need both “casual” and “relaxed”. This clause also wouldn’t work as a stand-alone sentence so doesn’t belong after a semi-colon.
“fore go” is often one word.

Other than those minor things, I couldn’t find anything to crit and I enjoyed my very brief read of what looks to be an incredibly well-researched, well-thought out and charmingly written book.

Lucy

Neville wrote 278 days ago

A King In Time.
By Mary Enck in collaboration with David Gutscher.


A really nice leisurely start to the book as Arthur meets up with the old man, strange that he knows so much about Arthur as they have a somewhat brief discussion.
I love this line, so poetic in description:-
… a fine mist crept toward him like a gray wolf with its belly close to the Earth…
I realized straight off that I’ve read this book before, quite a while ago and I liked it then, but it has been updated a lot and is more polished. It reads very well I must say.
Ch. 2/ …”….I really cannot recall anything prior to last Tuesday. Margo,” he said leaning forward… Comma after ‘Tuesday’ (before a person’s name in speech).
I like the description of the old man as he makes his way to the Mother of Mercy Hospital.
Having stopped of at Bertleby’s tavern intending to clean up, he succumbs to the odd glass of rum…’Yes, a bit of liquid courage had been just the thing’—I could picture him well with his stick swinging to and fro.
You have some really nice description running throughout the book—‘No, he preferred the quite solitude of the hills, the slower pace of life among the farmers of his homeland, the songs of the birds against a backdrop of blue skies and the gentle aroma of lilac blossoms’.
I love sections like this; they just breathe life into the book.
I admire the amount of historical data that you have managed to put together…no easy task!
A great deal of research has gone into writing this, burning into the late hours, I’m sure.
Having read the storyline before, I’ll not read further…what I will say is that the book commands a place on bookshop shelves—that is my honest opinion.
Six Stars!! Excellent writing!

Best regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

John Bayliss wrote 279 days ago

Club Grimoire Critique

Arthur is often described as "The Once and Future King" -- there are plenty of novels about the "once" half of his existance, but this is the first that I know of to consider a "future" incarnation of Arthur, too. Interesting!

I have to admit that the only bit of this chapter that I really have to take issue with is the opening sentence. I suspect that you taken a lot of trouble to get this right and re-written it several times over, but by trying to get everything you want to say into this one sentence, it ends up far too complicated for its own good. (Sorry!) I don't understand how a landscape can "embrace" him, and I don't like "seemed to dissolve" which suggests that you're not sure if it dissolved or not. (Presumably, from Arthur's viewpoint, it did dissolve, so the "seemed to" is redundant, even though it did not literally dissolve.) The phrase "forced his head into contact with" is an overcomplicated way of saying "he knocked his head against".

As the first image in the novel is an action--Arthur being blown off his feet by a gust of wind and knocking his head against a standing stone--then just show us that action happening. You don't need to mention the landscape all at this point, because it doesn't matter. In the next paragraph you've got plenty of time to give precise details of the location and anything else you need to say.

The reason why I am concentrating on this one sentence is that the rest of the chapter was fine. It read well, I found Arthur an engaging character--a young man who knows he will soon have great responsibility placed on his shoulders and is eager to do the right thing. The dialogue is just right for a young Englishman who has obviously received the best education available. (Though who knows how anyone will be talking in 88 years time!) I would be more than happy to read on to find out more about him.

I like the image of the mist. I happen to live not too far from Glastonbury (right in the centre of everything Arthurian) and believe me, more than once I have a mist rising from the Somerset Levels that could very well be described as a grey wolf!

best wishes and good writing, John

mat012 wrote 280 days ago

Club Grimoire Review:

I have ever been a fan of Arthurian legends and it seems that this group is filled with wonderful renditions of them. The idea of an Arthur in the future is one I had not come across before and quite a fun way to bring the legend to life. There were were few nitpicks I had that might help you tweak the story a bit (if they work with your vision of course):

In the first sentence you say the landscape was embracing him. How is the landscape embracing him? By sight? Sound? Smell? You don't need to give a glut of description here but maybe a little something to let us know what sort of peace he has found.

A frown sat on Arthur's brow? I can see where you are going there but it gived me a very peculiar mental image. Have you considered creased?

"I'm grateful for your concern. Just who...." These sentences don't seem particularly tied together. Have you considered putting a but in there?

The description of the mist and likening it to a wolf is fantastic.

For the most part it is a good moving pace and gives a few good hints as to who this Arthur is and who he will begin. The ending question is more than enough to get people turning the page to the next chapter and the man in the mist is a very strong hook.

Good luck,

Meagan

Sharahzade wrote 282 days ago

Club Grimoire Critique

Before I get on to my nitpicks about your first chapter, I wanted to say I think this is a very interesting idea, something quite original from what I've read so far, and certainly an opening that made me want to continue reading :)

I did find the language a stumbling point. Arthur speaks very very formally, which suggested to me that he was from the past rather than the future. Combined with the falling over the the bright flash of light at the start, I was starting to think maybe he had time-traveled. It was only when I rechecked the dates and read on that it became clear that he is a future part of the royal family - based on how the royal family, particularly the younger members, speak today, I think you could easily loosen this up a little. Don't make him a cockney by any means, but maybe relax it a little so he sounds more relatable - the majority of your YA audience are less likely to bond with the character when he's so very distant sounding.

Once I understood what was going on, I found the premise and the characters very interesting :) my biggest niggle would be with your opening paragraph. Although I think I know what you were trying to convey, it's very difficult - it's quite an emotionless moment, described almost like a scientific order of events. And then no more reference is made to it. As it's your opening statement it seems like it should be very relevant, the grinding and the bright light, but no more mention is made of them and nothing appears to have happened.

I would suggest perhaps going with a different order of events? Arthur surveying the countryside and deciding this is where he will rebuild his ancestral home, perhaps then slipping on his return to his chauffeur (or something, but it seems unlikely that a crown prince would just disappear out onto the hills when he could probably just ask to be driven there), then banging his head and THEN seeing the old man. Having his fall and then immediately seeing the stranger seems like a more likely turn of events than falling over, spending a bit of time contemplating the view, then seeing the mysterious figure.

I do think this is a really good idea, it could just use some tweaking to make it a stronger opening :) I look forward to reading more!

KT



Hello K. T.,

Thank you for your comments on A King in Time. I am pleased at how you found the idea interesting.

It's noteworthy that there have been many different observations concerning how royals may speak eighty eight years onto the future. If the present Queen is any indication, I believe that it just may continue in the dignified manner that it has for many years. I believe there are all sorts of effects on the behavior of any individual. Upbringing, associations, family influences and the lack of any siblings might have significant impact of how a character presents himself. A dear friend has told me that a formal way of speaking merely indicates a well read, educated individual. I agree with him, particularly in the way in which I have created my characters.

Ergo, it was very astute of you to find a connection to the future Arthur and that illustrious King Arthur of legend. I believe there are many hidden things in this novel that will, hopefully upon discovery, create an "Ah Ha!" moment in the reading of it. I see from your list of novels you have enjoyed mystery in abundance.

I would like to clear up one other point you raised. The first sentences are that way after I had a discussion with one of my past professors at U.C.L.A., who is also a well known literary agent. I love England and its incomparable beauty. I originally had the beginning to be more of a landscape study of the surrounding area. He felt that I might create a gripping start to this story with the way I have it written now using pure action. What I realize from this is that one cannot please everyone. It's good that it takes a variety of tastes so that readers can choose what pleases them.

Again, my thanks to you for sharing your ideas with me.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck

K.T.Bowman wrote 282 days ago

Club Grimoire Critique

Before I get on to my nitpicks about your first chapter, I wanted to say I think this is a very interesting idea, something quite original from what I've read so far, and certainly an opening that made me want to continue reading :)

I did find the language a stumbling point. Arthur speaks very very formally, which suggested to me that he was from the past rather than the future. Combined with the falling over the the bright flash of light at the start, I was starting to think maybe he had time-traveled. It was only when I rechecked the dates and read on that it became clear that he is a future part of the royal family - based on how the royal family, particularly the younger members, speak today, I think you could easily loosen this up a little. Don't make him a cockney by any means, but maybe relax it a little so he sounds more relatable - the majority of your YA audience are less likely to bond with the character when he's so very distant sounding.

Once I understood what was going on, I found the premise and the characters very interesting :) my biggest niggle would be with your opening paragraph. Although I think I know what you were trying to convey, it's very difficult - it's quite an emotionless moment, described almost like a scientific order of events. And then no more reference is made to it. As it's your opening statement it seems like it should be very relevant, the grinding and the bright light, but no more mention is made of them and nothing appears to have happened.

I would suggest perhaps going with a different order of events? Arthur surveying the countryside and deciding this is where he will rebuild his ancestral home, perhaps then slipping on his return to his chauffeur (or something, but it seems unlikely that a crown prince would just disappear out onto the hills when he could probably just ask to be driven there), then banging his head and THEN seeing the old man. Having his fall and then immediately seeing the stranger seems like a more likely turn of events than falling over, spending a bit of time contemplating the view, then seeing the mysterious figure.

I do think this is a really good idea, it could just use some tweaking to make it a stronger opening :) I look forward to reading more!

KT

Sharahzade wrote 283 days ago

Club Gilmoire Review

You set the mood pretty good, but I think the opening could use some description as to the scenery. To me, it reads like any old field, yet I know England has some beautiful landscapes. I like the introduction of the old man coming out of the fog. It seems like you’re trying to tie in the wind, the light Arthur sees after hitting his head and the sound as some mystical force that brought the old man. I think that could be done in more detail and with more mystique, so then it can be certain that Arthur didn’t just see and hear things after bumping his head from being blown over by the wind.

You bring out some good information from the dialogue with the old man. I would have expected Arthur to be more shocked that a stranger knew so much about his future – an old man talking about hearing stories of King Arthur when the old man was a child. Anyway, it is an interesting story.

N. LaRonda Johnson
http://authonomy.com/books/45790/anticipation-of-the-penitent/



Thank you N. LaRonda for your comments on A King in Time. I appreciate knowing your impressions. Best of luck to you with your novel.

Mary Enck

Sharahzade wrote 283 days ago

Grimoire Review:
This is a lovely story, set in England, quite some time in the future. The story of Arthur has been told many, many time, but you make it seem original.
The opening scene is atmospheric and mysterious as the Prince Arthur meets a strange old man who acts as though they know each other.
I also liked how you added in the media’s hype about the “return of King Arthur.” It adds a level of authenticity to the story.
Arthur’s dislike of all the media attention and cumbersome customs made him seem real and sympathetic. I definitely want to find out more about him.
This might be just me, but the second half of the chapter didn’t captivate my attention the way the first half did. I’m not a hundred percent sure why. I think part of it was the paragraphs of summarization and that to me there didn’t seem to be that much tension. It could also have been the lack of physical descriptions; I couldn’t picture clearly what Arthur’s surroundings were like the way I could the foggy countryside. The end of the chapter felt a little sudden and anticlimactic, especially when I glanced ahead at the second chapter.
Completely ignore me if this doesn’t feel right for your story, but I think you could cut that second half and add a lot of that information into the first half—his thoughts about the reactions of the already hyped-up media if they knew he was planning on rebuilding Camelot, his mixed emotions about being king, etc. You could probably even add in his mother calling him on his cellphone before he is distracted by the old man’s arrival or something. This way you could end on the stronger note of the old man’s disappearance and I think it would add a little more tension throughout. Again, this is your story, and this is just a suggestion—and maybe not a very good suggestion.
Some nitpicking:
“possible danger; and continued” I don’t think you need the semicolon there.
“casual relaxed way” at least to me, “casual” and “relaxed” are close enough in meaning that one of them seems redundant when they are used together.
“just stood there leaning” seems like it could use a comma after “there”
“Arthur’s Aide, Cromwell flung” probably needs a comma after “Cromwell”
“Please Sir” should probably be “Please, Sir”
Other than that, I thought this was very well written and you’ve made me want to find out what happens to Arthur and England.



Thank you, Kayla for your comments in A King in Time. I always appreciate notations about punctuation. I agree about the second half of the chapter and I will take a closer look at your suggestions. This is precisely why these reviews are so valuable to us. For me, it is the primary reason for participating on this site.

I look forward to reading your story of Elven Society. It sounds like an enchanting read. Best of luck to you.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck

Sharahzade wrote 283 days ago

Club Grimoire Review:

There are several retellings of the King Arthur legend, but this is the first I've seen set in the future. An interesting take on it and I'm curious to see how technology and imagined advances play into this.

I love the line describing the fog like a 'gray wolf.' I only wish you had more description of the setting and characters.

Best of luck with this!



Hello Emily:

Thank you for your comments on A King in Time. I am pleased that you like the opening chapter. Although the story begins in a future time, this tale is primarily set in yesterday. England has a rich history that has survived for hundreds of years in the way people speak, traditions and the ancient architecture that rests on the ir beautiful land. Whilst the country has their share of advances in technology, the royal essence still surrounds the area from the past and wonderous rulers who have been so colorful. For the legend of King Arthur to have survived all these ages, as a well loved story. I can only wish my writing should last that long.

For a mother of children, I am amazed that you have such a collection of stories to tell. Those you have posted here hold great interest for me and I put you on my watch list. Most certainly I will read the novel you have in the Fantasy Club Grimoire.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck

Sharahzade wrote 283 days ago

Club Grimoire Review:

This is definitely the first Arthur tale I've heard of taking place in at least two points in time, not to mention two Arthurs.

The first location in the story seems a good place to start, someplace that connects both of the central characters. I think you were hinting that the old man could be Merlin, which could also be pretty neat.

Being about King Arthur, your story already has a lure big and familiar enough to set it apart from others. The original (as far as I can tell) spin you've adapted is surely enough to highlight it among the rest. Its rating here is as good an indicator of its popularity as you should need.



Hello Meera,

Thank you for your comments on A King in Time. It's good to know that my intention to set the scene for mystery have done their job. The old man may not necessarily be Merlyn. There are other characters in the story yet to come and I hope everyone will read far enough into the tale to discover what takes place.

I read your long pitch and it is so well done and intriguing, I look forward to reading your story.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck

Sharahzade wrote 283 days ago

Club Grimoire Critique

Always nice to see another Arthurian, one of my own currently non-authonomy projects deals with heavy Arthurian motifs, so every contrast I find is of interest.

This story in particular is very interesting, not because it's Arthurian, but because of its originality and unique premise. I'm always interested in time travel as well, and the idea of two Arthurs is an intriguing one, as well as an alternate history.

The writing is also very good, well paced and well styled with some great insights into the main Arthur character and a fantastic air of mystery about the stranger. No nitpicks or criticisms pop out at me, so all in all, well done, and highly starred.

KT



Hi Rachel,

I thank you kindly for your insightful review of A King in Time. To get a point of view from one who really appreciates this genre of fiction, means so much. I am pleased at your comments and I am compelled to read your story too. I have been in the process of moving my residence and it has kept me away from the computer. It's refreshing to return and I will be very interested to read your work.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck

Karataratakas wrote 283 days ago

Club Grimoire Critique

Always nice to see another Arthurian, one of my own currently non-authonomy projects deals with heavy Arthurian motifs, so every contrast I find is of interest.

This story in particular is very interesting, not because it's Arthurian, but because of its originality and unique premise. I'm always interested in time travel as well, and the idea of two Arthurs is an intriguing one, as well as an alternate history.

The writing is also very good, well paced and well styled with some great insights into the main Arthur character and a fantastic air of mystery about the stranger. No nitpicks or criticisms pop out at me, so all in all, well done, and highly starred.

KT

Meera Taj wrote 284 days ago

Club Grimoire Review:

This is definitely the first Arthur tale I've heard of taking place in at least two points in time, not to mention two Arthurs.

The first location in the story seems a good place to start, someplace that connects both of the central characters. I think you were hinting that the old man could be Merlin, which could also be pretty neat.

Being about King Arthur, your story already has a lure big and familiar enough to set it apart from others. The original (as far as I can tell) spin you've adapted is surely enough to highlight it among the rest. Its rating here is as good an indicator of its popularity as you should need.

Emily Rebecca wrote 286 days ago

Club Grimoire Review:

There are several retellings of the King Arthur legend, but this is the first I've seen set in the future. An interesting take on it and I'm curious to see how technology and imagined advances play into this.

I love the line describing the fog like a 'gray wolf.' I only wish you had more description of the setting and characters.

Best of luck with this!

Kayla H wrote 286 days ago

Grimoire Review:
This is a lovely story, set in England, quite some time in the future. The story of Arthur has been told many, many time, but you make it seem original.
The opening scene is atmospheric and mysterious as the Prince Arthur meets a strange old man who acts as though they know each other.
I also liked how you added in the media’s hype about the “return of King Arthur.” It adds a level of authenticity to the story.
Arthur’s dislike of all the media attention and cumbersome customs made him seem real and sympathetic. I definitely want to find out more about him.
This might be just me, but the second half of the chapter didn’t captivate my attention the way the first half did. I’m not a hundred percent sure why. I think part of it was the paragraphs of summarization and that to me there didn’t seem to be that much tension. It could also have been the lack of physical descriptions; I couldn’t picture clearly what Arthur’s surroundings were like the way I could the foggy countryside. The end of the chapter felt a little sudden and anticlimactic, especially when I glanced ahead at the second chapter.
Completely ignore me if this doesn’t feel right for your story, but I think you could cut that second half and add a lot of that information into the first half—his thoughts about the reactions of the already hyped-up media if they knew he was planning on rebuilding Camelot, his mixed emotions about being king, etc. You could probably even add in his mother calling him on his cellphone before he is distracted by the old man’s arrival or something. This way you could end on the stronger note of the old man’s disappearance and I think it would add a little more tension throughout. Again, this is your story, and this is just a suggestion—and maybe not a very good suggestion.
Some nitpicking:
“possible danger; and continued” I don’t think you need the semicolon there.
“casual relaxed way” at least to me, “casual” and “relaxed” are close enough in meaning that one of them seems redundant when they are used together.
“just stood there leaning” seems like it could use a comma after “there”
“Arthur’s Aide, Cromwell flung” probably needs a comma after “Cromwell”
“Please Sir” should probably be “Please, Sir”
Other than that, I thought this was very well written and you’ve made me want to find out what happens to Arthur and England.

Chancelet wrote 288 days ago

Club Gilmoire Review

You set the mood pretty good, but I think the opening could use some description as to the scenery. To me, it reads like any old field, yet I know England has some beautiful landscapes. I like the introduction of the old man coming out of the fog. It seems like you’re trying to tie in the wind, the light Arthur sees after hitting his head and the sound as some mystical force that brought the old man. I think that could be done in more detail and with more mystique, so then it can be certain that Arthur didn’t just see and hear things after bumping his head from being blown over by the wind.

You bring out some good information from the dialogue with the old man. I would have expected Arthur to be more shocked that a stranger knew so much about his future – an old man talking about hearing stories of King Arthur when the old man was a child. Anyway, it is an interesting story.

N. LaRonda Johnson
http://authonomy.com/books/45790/anticipation-of-the-penitent/

Zyg wrote 292 days ago

Club Grimoire Review.

I have to say that this left me unenthused. For me the language was imprecise, clumsy and flowery.

For example, how on Earth does a landscape embrace someone? And then seem to dissolve?

The wind “... forced his head into contact with one of the nearby Standing Stones.” Surely you mean he banged his head as he went down? This reads like the wind grabbed hold of his head – and just his head, not the rest of him – and pushed it against “one of the nearby Standing Stones”. “Nearby”? As opposed to distant?

Then your next sentence: “A brilliant flash of light surrounded him, followed by a grinding sound from beneath the Earth”. There’s a mis-match between the two halves of the sentence. “There was a brilliant flash of light, followed by a grinding sound...” is grammatical. What you have isn’t – and it also suggests that the grinding sound surrounded him.

To be horribly blunt, I had at least one problem with nearly every sentence. You might well have a great story here but the style you’re employing keeps drawing attention to itself and getting in the way.

eloravelle wrote 292 days ago

Club Grimoire Review-

At first this seems like just plain old King Arthur walking around int the fields, and moors.

But then you put the word Prince. This catches me off guard.Since when has he ever been Prince? I have always known him as King.

So I figure to myself okay this is different. Extremely so especially when I read the lines social media and the time period 2100.

I definitely would like to see where this goes. What technology you will bring in and how this unfolds.

-Elora

Writer in Red wrote 292 days ago

Club Grimoire Critique

What a fantastic beginning! I can already see a movie appearing from these words. I love the mystery of the old man and Arthur's reluctance. By the end of the chapter I have a feeling that Arthur is a spoiled brat which only adds to his character that, I am guessing, will grow and change throughout the story. Wonderful descriptions of the time and place. Much research must have gone into this. My only concern is that I was unsure whether Arthur was from the past going to the present. Perhaps make it clear that Arthur is wearing a modern coat or he pulls out his cellphone. Something instead of just 2100. Other than that a great start and I want to read more. Best of luck.

Sharahzade wrote 294 days ago

CG review
Hi Mary,
Always fascinated by a King Arthur tale - and by the fact that the fascination is so universal, and has out-lasted many a famous king with far more definitive footprints in the historical records. There's just something about this guy that won't quit, isn't there? I love it.
Since your first chapter was fairly short, I had a squiz through the comments - it's very entertaining to read the various takes on the 'most likely' truth of Arthur's origins or his 'real' history. There are as many opinions as there are potential locations of Arthurian sites, with new candidates being discovered by archaeology every so often. Just as many opinions on Arthur's lineage and background too.
Apologies for the digression - but I think anyone (in the comments) should be careful of suggesting 'this is who/where/what' this mysterious man really was. The goalposts move frequently!

Back to your Chp 1
Overall impression: your prose has a nice, easy-to-read flow. Personally, I enjoyed the 'old fashioned' tone of the dialogue - particularly in conjunction with the futuristic time setting of 2100 (although no other indications given as yet). There are some lovely descriptive touches - the mist creeping 'like a grey wolf on it's belly' stood out for me. I could have happily spent more time with similar words - the chapter has plenty of breathing room.

Characters: Since the chapter is short, there is little room for a great deal of development here, but what is included worked well - we have a sense this young man has purpose and goals; that perhaps he does not quite fit the expected 'mold' of a royal; that like most sons, his mother gets on his nerves from time time - especially when it comes to the topic of 'girlfriends'. Arthur feels completely likeable, and I want to find out what happens to him.

Little doubt about the true identity of the old man - unless you are going to hit us with a plot twist later and make us all feel a bit silly! But this brings me to my one and only question about the chapter - and it is entirely a matter of my preference, I think.

Since your Arthur's great-grandfather has regaled him all his life with tales of the legendary king and his knights, we would assume that he is familiar with the character of Merlin also. It seems not quite believable to me that Prince Arthur would have no reaction - other than 'he knows me from my media images' - to the old man's apparent recognition of him. We have been clued in as readers, but Arthur is left in the dark. I don't think your book is YA, is it? If not, I'm not entirely comfortable in feeling that I am one step ahead of the MC in working out what is going on. I want him to be smarter than me, and to surprise me.

I was wishing that he had some kind of reaction - even the tiniest of vague suspicions, some slight frisson of foreboding - that something else was going on there with that old man.
Especially since he tells young Arthur straight out that he looks 'like him' and 'Nonsense. You have always been the King of Britain'. We are told Arthur believes with all his heart that 'Arthur Pendragon reigned over Cornwall' - so perhaps he could have some sort of 'reaction' when the old man speaks to him?
Just after this, we are told Arthur thinks about him frequently - so maybe there you could let us in to Arthur's thoughts a bit - give us some clue as to what he made of that old man.
Apologies for this long-winded musing on that, but I'm trying to work out for myself what exactly it was that was tickling.

This was a very enjoyable read. I found the promise of time-travel in the pitch intriguing, with the concept of Prince Arthur in a future time being a pleasant, fresh spin on the legend and the time-travel concept. Two Arthurs thrown together - I look forward to finding out what happens next.



Hello Piper,

I sincerely appreciate the time you took to provide me with such a full critique. Some of your comments I completely follow and agree with your observations.

So many seem to ponder the identity of the elder who appears out of nowhere to speak with Prince Arthur. As the story progresses many other characters flit in and out to enhance the story. This is especially true of the shape shifting Dragons of Dinas Emrys, Ansgaard and Serikon who fly in a bit later on. Historically, they are mentioned often with Merlyn's beginnings. That in no way reveals the true identity of the mysterious character in chapter one. It only requires reading on to discover that. Evil of me I know. But is it not the job of a writer of fiction to create the need to speculate on what comes next?

As to Arthur's reaction to this character, whom he finds intriguing, I feel it is like so many things that creep up on us out of the context of our daily lives, the speculation of who he might be and what he intends will come after the fact and that appears later when events trigger his puzzlement.

I do like your comment about the discriptive touches I use and I thank you for reinforcing my tendency to use them. I have been accused of writing too much in a so called "flowerly" or "formal" fashion. I suspect those who say that are not from the British Shores. All of my friends and family from that ancient place do tend to speak that way. There are others who like the rather formal way of speaking among the characters who are Royals. Can't please everyone so I just write in my own style and let it create the atmosphere that I want to convey.

Over all, I am very grateful to read your comments and I thank you so much. I do indeed hope you read on.

Regards,

Mary Enck

K E Shaw wrote 295 days ago

CG review
Hi Mary,
Always fascinated by a King Arthur tale - and by the fact that the fascination is so universal, and has out-lasted many a famous king with far more definitive footprints in the historical records. There's just something about this guy that won't quit, isn't there? I love it.
Since your first chapter was fairly short, I had a squiz through the comments - it's very entertaining to read the various takes on the 'most likely' truth of Arthur's origins or his 'real' history. There are as many opinions as there are potential locations of Arthurian sites, with new candidates being discovered by archaeology every so often. Just as many opinions on Arthur's lineage and background too.
Apologies for the digression - but I think anyone (in the comments) should be careful of suggesting 'this is who/where/what' this mysterious man really was. The goalposts move frequently!

Back to your Chp 1
Overall impression: your prose has a nice, easy-to-read flow. Personally, I enjoyed the 'old fashioned' tone of the dialogue - particularly in conjunction with the futuristic time setting of 2100 (although no other indications given as yet). There are some lovely descriptive touches - the mist creeping 'like a grey wolf on it's belly' stood out for me. I could have happily spent more time with similar words - the chapter has plenty of breathing room.

Characters: Since the chapter is short, there is little room for a great deal of development here, but what is included worked well - we have a sense this young man has purpose and goals; that perhaps he does not quite fit the expected 'mold' of a royal; that like most sons, his mother gets on his nerves from time time - especially when it comes to the topic of 'girlfriends'. Arthur feels completely likeable, and I want to find out what happens to him.

Little doubt about the true identity of the old man - unless you are going to hit us with a plot twist later and make us all feel a bit silly! But this brings me to my one and only question about the chapter - and it is entirely a matter of my preference, I think.

Since your Arthur's great-grandfather has regaled him all his life with tales of the legendary king and his knights, we would assume that he is familiar with the character of Merlin also. It seems not quite believable to me that Prince Arthur would have no reaction - other than 'he knows me from my media images' - to the old man's apparent recognition of him. We have been clued in as readers, but Arthur is left in the dark. I don't think your book is YA, is it? If not, I'm not entirely comfortable in feeling that I am one step ahead of the MC in working out what is going on. I want him to be smarter than me, and to surprise me.

I was wishing that he had some kind of reaction - even the tiniest of vague suspicions, some slight frisson of foreboding - that something else was going on there with that old man.
Especially since he tells young Arthur straight out that he looks 'like him' and 'Nonsense. You have always been the King of Britain'. We are told Arthur believes with all his heart that 'Arthur Pendragon reigned over Cornwall' - so perhaps he could have some sort of 'reaction' when the old man speaks to him?
Just after this, we are told Arthur thinks about him frequently - so maybe there you could let us in to Arthur's thoughts a bit - give us some clue as to what he made of that old man.
Apologies for this long-winded musing on that, but I'm trying to work out for myself what exactly it was that was tickling.

This was a very enjoyable read. I found the promise of time-travel in the pitch intriguing, with the concept of Prince Arthur in a future time being a pleasant, fresh spin on the legend and the time-travel concept. Two Arthurs thrown together - I look forward to finding out what happens next.

Sharahzade wrote 296 days ago

Club Grimiore Review of A King In Time

Hi Mary

Chapter 1

It opens with Arthur standing on a hill where he assaulted by wind and bright flashes of light. A strange mist flows in and an old man emerges ( a wild guess, Merlin ) he has a conversation with Arthur who is told he has always been the king of the Britain’s. Other than this statement the old man remains vague and mysterious.

Later the young Arthur awakes in the palace of Windsor, and we learn he is a prince.
His man servant Cromwell (maybe a distant relative of Oliver, that would please the royalists!) prepares the king in waiting for his day. Marriage is mentioned in a phone call with Arthur’s mother and he brushes aside her topic of conversation abruptly.

The story sets up nicely in the first chapter, the flow is spot on and the descriptions are good.

I love the Arthurian legends, they are for the most part timeless. I like how you call him “king of the Britons” although one of the earliest historical references stated he was not a king and that he fought “with” the Britons. This implies that he was not of British decent and that he was more of a general. ( best sources say he was the son of a Roman who was married to a Britain, the battle of Badon hill was believed to have been fought near Bath. Earth works discovered on the supposed site had imprints of hob nail boots, believed to be late 5th century copies of roman soldier issue. The Anglo Saxons they were fighting wore leather strapped shoes with no nails)

Sorry for my ramblings, you may have noticed I am fascinated by history.

I did feel that the MC lacked a little depth, but in fairness the chapter was very short so layers that are needed are possibly rendered later. All in all a good start and an enjoyable read. So much is rewritten about Arthur and to a certain extent it’s overdone but you seem to be traveling on a different path to the others. Thanks for an enjoyable read and I wish you all the best with this.

Regards Ian “The Paladin Vampire”



Sincere thanks to you, Ian for giving A King in Time such a great review. I love to learn how some of the seeds I have planted are budding. As you have mentioned, seeing them grow takes delving further into the story.

The story of King Arthur has endured for hundreds of years. What writer would not wish to have that same fascination for the tales they tell? It seems that many never tire of the extensions and additions to this dearest legend. I read everything I can find on the era.

Perhaps one day I will take you up on your offer in your profile. What a dream it would be to rent a cottage in a serene environment so I could do what I love most with the rest of my life.

Again, my thanks to you for the time you spent reading and commenting on A King in Time.

Mary Enck

Ian Oliver-Jones wrote 296 days ago

Club Grimiore Review of A King In Time

Hi Mary

Chapter 1

It opens with Arthur standing on a hill where he assaulted by wind and bright flashes of light. A strange mist flows in and an old man emerges ( a wild guess, Merlin ) he has a conversation with Arthur who is told he has always been the king of the Britain’s. Other than this statement the old man remains vague and mysterious.

Later the young Arthur awakes in the palace of Windsor, and we learn he is a prince.
His man servant Cromwell (maybe a distant relative of Oliver, that would please the royalists!) prepares the king in waiting for his day. Marriage is mentioned in a phone call with Arthur’s mother and he brushes aside her topic of conversation abruptly.

The story sets up nicely in the first chapter, the flow is spot on and the descriptions are good.

I love the Arthurian legends, they are for the most part timeless. I like how you call him “king of the Britons” although one of the earliest historical references stated he was not a king and that he fought “with” the Britons. This implies that he was not of British decent and that he was more of a general. ( best sources say he was the son of a Roman who was married to a Britain, the battle of Badon hill was believed to have been fought near Bath. Earth works discovered on the supposed site had imprints of hob nail boots, believed to be late 5th century copies of roman soldier issue. The Anglo Saxons they were fighting wore leather strapped shoes with no nails)

Sorry for my ramblings, you may have noticed I am fascinated by history.

I did feel that the MC lacked a little depth, but in fairness the chapter was very short so layers that are needed are possibly rendered later. All in all a good start and an enjoyable read. So much is rewritten about Arthur and to a certain extent it’s overdone but you seem to be traveling on a different path to the others. Thanks for an enjoyable read and I wish you all the best with this.

Regards Ian “The Paladin Vampire”

Hyperion wrote 297 days ago


My Club Grimiore comment,
A king in Time has been sitting on my shelf for some time now based on the promise made by the pitch and concept.
However, I have delayed reading it because of the similar elements that are in my own book, for I also foreshadow the birth of Albion and use Merlin as my storyteller. However, there the comparisons end, and in the end this is a very different take on the Camelot legend.

I do not offer comments on the writing and confine myself to the story line based on GMT, Goal-Motivation -Conflict... and as to whether the story grips with potential to read further.

In truth, it is hard to give an in-depth assessment based on the first chapter, therefore, I cheated a little to take a glimpse into number two.
Arthur's Gaol in chapter one is a simple one, to make sense of his strange encounter with the old man, i
The motivation comes from the foreshadowing of a mystery and previous meeting, and the conflict is he does not remember it.
All well and good and this sets up the tale quite well. There are a few plot holes. The word Maverick pulled this Englishman out of the book and the use of England by Merlin. This jarred somewhat, as he would have referenced to Albion or Britain. England was not formed until the time of the invasion of the Angles and much later. But then this is a time-travel story!

In chapter two he has lost his memories and is a 'John Doe', in a mental ward and the Goal is Arthur trying to recover his mind. The motivation is the questioning he has received and the prompting of the newspapers he is provided with and the conflict, they bring to his state of mind.
These are very short chapters, and I would have preferred you to set up the time jumping more quickly so that we can get to grips with the main event as Arthur travels back to Camelot, but my chapters are
always far too long. This is an interesting start, and of course, I cannot wait to read on. Ray (The Druids of Gybi.)

Sharahzade wrote 297 days ago

Club Grimiore comment

Hi Mary. Mmmm...great that we get a mention and hopefully 'The troubles' are past us now. Nice flowing read and not too heavy on the mind. Are we similar in our ideas? I really like the concept and, like some other books here, trying hard not to take a peek of the 2nd chapter. Well done so far.
Pat
PS



Thank you for your comments, Pat. Coming from you they are meaningful to me. The similarity I see in our ideas is simply that we both enjoy playing "what if" and embrace the so called fantasy of a story. Is not all fiction a fantasy of one kind or another?

Should you choose to read on, please keep in mind that A King in Time is just that. At no point does it dwell on present day but moves around from future to a very distant past. Who is to say how things would be during those times? Troubles of a different sort perhaps.

Thanks for climbing into the time machine with me for a bit.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck

Eftborin wrote 298 days ago

Club Grimiore comment

Hi Mary. Mmmm...great that we get a mention and hopefully 'The troubles' are past us now. Nice flowing read and not too heavy on the mind. Are we similar in our ideas? I really like the concept and, like some other books here, trying hard not to take a peek of the 2nd chapter. Well done so far.
Pat
PS

Sharahzade wrote 299 days ago

Club Grimoire Review – A King in Time
Mary Enck in collaboration with David Gutscher

**Chapter One**

The year is 2100 in the opening, but the dialogue is that of days gone by, so I thought it was in the past and not the future. Note to self – read more carefully.

Arthur’s interlude with the old man is interesting – Merlin, I’m guessing?

I’m still confused with the century. It seems, in the world you created, customs and speech have travelled backwards, even though it’s 1000 years into the future. It’s almost as though the 21st century didn’t happen at all. Especially since the current royal house of England doesn’t have any political power. I know, I know – suspension of disbelief.

I will say this – your writing is smooth, with few typos or grammar issues. It’s a different take on the story of Arthur than we usually see (although, I admit, I’m not so well read when it comes to Arthurian legends).

**Chapter Two**

(The first chapter was short, so I read the second)

For me, this chapter reads easier than the first. The writing flows better, almost as though it’s softer and came more naturally.

Edit – “To John, she seemed transparent like most girls her age, concerned with her appearance and little else unless something or someone advantageous to her.” – missing word?

The conversation between Margo and John is also more fluid – but again, if John is misplaced in time, and Margo is from the present (2100), then, in my opinion, it would be a bit of a hint if their speech patterns differed. Of course, I’m making a guess about where John came from, so I could be way off base here.

Well written, good description and easy to read with enough intrigue to make the reader want to continue on to see who John is and how he is connected with the future king.

Jenny



Hello Jenny,

I thank you kindly for reviewing my novel, A King in Time.

I often get a chuckle from hearing people think the elder man in Chapter One is Merlyn. I will leave it at that as it reveals I have done my job with subterfuge.

You mentioned what you perceive as differences in language and speech patterns among the characters. Observe how that is handled in films when they visit times past or tomorrow. It seems we all speak English and use expressions which are either modern or not. Since none of my story is set in the present time, unless those who read it have a time machine to travel back and forth to check this out, then, with a few exceptions, I simply allow my people, wizards and dragons alike, to speak as I do.

My own expression tends to be a bit on the formal side of it. I was raised by grandparents who were from England. There is almost an ingrained way of speaking there. At this time, it is The Queen's English. She is quite formal and does have influence over the dignity and grace that rather seeps down from the Royals.

Perhaps for the sake of clarity, I tend to feel I should keep it as simple as it is. Should I become so presumptious as to attempt to design my characters speech patterns for the sake of realism, I would rather focus on those characters, their attitudes, goals, fears and all that makes up an interesting individual.

At the same time, I consider the plot to be of significent importance. To me, the story is everything. Does it move you? Does it make you laugh, cry or puzzled as to what may lay on the next page waiting to challenge your appetite?

There are so many elements to crafting a novel that I feel it becomes our task as writers to keep it from becoming convoluted whilst at the same allowing intrigue to envelope you. After all, I venture to say, most readers seek that place where a book takes them. I believe it is the greatest escape.

Jenny-B wrote 299 days ago

Club Grimoire Review – A King in Time
Mary Enck in collaboration with David Gutscher

**Chapter One**

The year is 2100 in the opening, but the dialogue is that of days gone by, so I thought it was in the past and not the future. Note to self – read more carefully.

Arthur’s interlude with the old man is interesting – Merlin, I’m guessing?

I’m still confused with the century. It seems, in the world you created, customs and speech have travelled backwards, even though it’s 1000 years into the future. It’s almost as though the 21st century didn’t happen at all. Especially since the current royal house of England doesn’t have any political power. I know, I know – suspension of disbelief.

I will say this – your writing is smooth, with few typos or grammar issues. It’s a different take on the story of Arthur than we usually see (although, I admit, I’m not so well read when it comes to Arthurian legends).

**Chapter Two**

(The first chapter was short, so I read the second)

For me, this chapter reads easier than the first. The writing flows better, almost as though it’s softer and came more naturally.

Edit – “To John, she seemed transparent like most girls her age, concerned with her appearance and little else unless something or someone advantageous to her.” – missing word?

The conversation between Margo and John is also more fluid – but again, if John is misplaced in time, and Margo is from the present (2100), then, in my opinion, it would be a bit of a hint if their speech patterns differed. Of course, I’m making a guess about where John came from, so I could be way off base here.

Well written, good description and easy to read with enough intrigue to make the reader want to continue on to see who John is and how he is connected with the future king.

Jenny

Elizabeth H wrote 300 days ago

Club Grimoire Critique
Hi Guys,

I was particularly interested in this story as I have a king Arthur in the future science fantasy, but that is in Club Nanobot and is in the distant future.

I like what you have done here and it is very atmospheric. Obviously, Arthur is meeting with Merlin at the standing stones. Mention is also made of ancient Arthur ruling over Cornwall. My problem is that Cadbury castle is in Summerset, within sight of the Tor on a good day. It is also an iron age fort and as such, it doesn't have any standing stones, but concentrically ringed eathworks instead. I have actually been to the area, despite the distance, when the dh was on a uni course at Oxford. We did a lot of tours, especially to all the 'Arthur' places.

Does modern Arthur have brothers or sisters and who is his father? I guess the man must still be alive as Arthur is not yet king, or is it that his mother is queen regnant? He seems like a very likable character. Polite, and yet with a stubborn streak to have things done in his way. It would be quite something to rebuild Camelot on a historical site. Was he thinking of a replica of the original, or a new base for his own court?

I see at the end Arthur is being pushed toward marriage. Are you going to follow the original legend and come up with a Gwyneviere, or are you going to strike out a new course for the new king? I am itching to find out what happens in the next chapter. Thanks for a great read.

Inkysparrow wrote 300 days ago

Club Grimoire Review

I have read chapter one of the book and can see the authors' love for their subject. Arthur is an immediately likeable fellow who feels uncomfortable with his position as (I'm assuming) the Prince of Wales, but truly wishing to be the change that GB needs. Because of the way the MC is portrayed, I am interested enough to turn the page and see if he finally meets his goal.

You have the genre as Historical, Fantasy and Scifi. While some books that claim to be Scifi and Fantasy seem to be more SciFi than Fantasy, I think your book scores as a nice blend of genres since you make the elements clear in the first chapter.

I get a semi-formal style from your writing - not really stiff, but certainly not casual. A prince can't be casual, after all :) I like that you've chosen a third person limited POV - as I enjoy a bit of mystery for the MC's I follow in the book. (it's also why I like First Person POV as well)

Based on just chapter 1, I think this is a book that holds quite a lot of promise. As a reader, my two places I look at when deciding on a book is the back cover and the first chapter. This is a first chapter that would make me interested in possibly buying the book.

I am guessing that perhaps the theme of this story is "to change fate", and the major conflicts will be man vs. self and man vs. society.

Characters: So far we are acquainted with three characters: the mysterious old man, Arthur, and Cromwell(grin). I liked how you easily describe both Arthur and the old man. They easily became real in my head. I could also tell, as I said before, that you really liked your characters as they had a nice warm air about them.

Plot: Your pitch and Arthur's wishes in the first chapter give us a nice guidepost as to where the story is going. Your introduction is compelling, which is important if you don't want a person to drop the book after perusing it in a bookstore. I've also gleaned a bit of mystery and suspense.

Setting: I really like how you describe place and set mood. Loved the fog creeping in like a wolf - very sinister :) - loved the dreary morning rays of light. Very good use of atmospheric and scenic effects. The setting seems to influence the moods of the characters, so good job with the reaction part as well.

All in all I liked this first chapter and have made room on my WL for you :)

Stormshine wrote 301 days ago

Club Grimoire Critique:

Hook: You seemed to pick a good scene with which to start your story. It takes us right into the plot.

Plot: You have an interesting premise going on here. I like that it melds future and past together, as well as a little bit of present (being that the Royal Family is such a big deal). This chapter did a really good job of introducing us to that plot. One little nitpick though. At one point you say he becomes impatient with riddles, and yet the conversation has barely begun. That's a problem I myself have when I write, so maybe it's the same case with you here. When I've been working on a particular scene for a long time the scene feels long and I feel like my character should grow impatient or bored, but when I read through it hasn't been that long at all.

Style: You have a good sense of pacing and you keep the scenes moving. However, I found your writing too be a little too flowery, which was distracting. If everything you describe is exceptional, then nothing is. It's too much with "mighty gushes", "brilliant flashes", "maverick blast", "encroaching fog", etc. You don't need to use such flowery words in order to paint a vivid picture. A simple blast of wind gives me the same impression in this scene as a maverick blast.

Dialogue: Kind of the same thing with your dialogue. I understand that this is supposed to be a royal prince, but the dialogue just didn't feel natural and a little bit overdone.

Technical: Just a couple little nitpicks here and there, but nothing too major. "Arthur's aide Cromwell" should be "Arthur's aide, Cromwell". Unless "Arthur's Aide" is an official title like "Secretary Cromwell" or something. In which case I think it would make more sense for it to be "Royal Aide Cromwell".

There were a couple places where you betrayed Arthur's point of view. For instance, "a frown sat on his brow" is something that an outside observer would think to note, not the point of view character. The POV character knows that he's frowning, but he doesn't know what his frown looks like.

Overall this was a good start and it shows a lot of promise. I definitely think you have an interesting plot going.

Nancy Lopez wrote 303 days ago

Club Grimoire

Hi, Mary,

I actually had this on my Wl so I'm glad you joined the thread.
Your chapter 1 is easy to follow and the dialog, to me, seemed genuine. I enjoyed A King In Time.
The ending was funny, really funny.

Nit pick: you have on the same page: clock on his nightstand chimed; and then you have: a chiming of the phone....maybe consider ringing--even so, the sentence after it reinforces he was expecting his mother's call. I think you can tie those 2 sentences together and cut words.

Other than that worthless find, this is a fabulous read!
high stars across the galaxy.
Nancy
Backward Glances

Tarzan For Real wrote 328 days ago

Mary the first thing that stands out about your Athurian legend update is the passion and attention to detail of the subject matter. You can tell early on that this gendre is part of your heart. The weaving of a mystery and foreshadowing blends so well that minor gramatical blights are ignored.

Dialogue is sharp, crisp, and believable. The various language challenges from different social circles and times you hurdle quite well. Again trying to speak royalty with it's show of strength through calm proper diction is a real skill.

You use senses well and there are moments of frailty that give a more fleshly human tone. I'd like to see more of that in here. You were doing well in many instances. Also maybe a little more humor and brevity.

Descriptions of location again were richly detailed. That was just a tremendous feat. I dare say JK Rowling would be quite pleased with such accuracy of London streets then and in the future.

I'll get this to my WL and shelf shortly and can't wait to see the actual book on a real shelf.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

Cara Gold wrote 329 days ago

{A King in Time} – Mary Enck

This is such a terrific idea! I like your take on the Arthur legend, it is definitely unique, very refreshing.

The characters are likeable and the plot is unfurling smoothly, with polished prose that is easy to read. You create some lovely images to compliment your original ideas -
I loved this one from chapter one ‘a fine mist crept toward him like a gray wolf with its belly close to the Earth.’ And in chapter two the ‘lonely blackbird’ serenading his toothbrush brought a smile to my lips.

Great stuff, high stars and I hope to continue more soon! :)

I also made a few more detailed notes on the first chapter in thanks for your support of ‘Dawn of Destruction’ - hope some of these may be useful, all just suggestions so feel free to take or leave anything!

Cara
------

Comma to break up sentence ‘He groaned and sat up, taking in deep breaths…’

Perhaps reword ‘Turning, he surveyed what lay before him.’ → so that two sentences in a row don’t start with the same structure ‘He + ‘ed’ verb’

A few times the focus in a para seems to shift… for instance ‘A frown sat on Arthur’s brow…’ You describe the wind, then the focus shifts to his head aching… so the para feels a little jumpy. Perhaps begin the para talking about the wind, then have him stand up, and notice his head aching because it reels or something, at the movement?

Perhaps reword this sentence to make it feel more active; ‘The riddles made Arthur feel more impatient.’

Comma; ‘The old man just stood there, leaning on his staff and smiling, as if he already knew everything Arthur was telling him.’ (also changed ‘all that’ to everything maybe, fewer words?)

Sentence ‘Before long’ confused me a little… maybe ‘Before long, he had little time for private thoughts, as obligations, conversations and meetings commanded his attention.’