Book Jacket

 

rank 138
word count 104749
date submitted 06.02.2010
date updated 09.04.2014
genres: Fiction, Historical Fiction, Scienc...
classification: universal
complete

A King in Time

Mary Enck in collaboration with David Gutscher

Arthur, Prince of Wales and future King of England, must decide if he wants to return to his own time in 2100 A.D.

 

Like his predecessor, the Legendary King Arthur, the passion of the young prince is to unite all of Great Britain in peace. His secret desire is to rebuild ancient Camelot. When he visits the original site, he encounters a prophetic gentleman who seems to know the future, or perhaps he speaks of the past.

Later, as Prince Arthur ponders the true identity of the man, a total solar eclipse occurs and propels him into the Fifth Century. It is only when the prince finally accepts the eclipse has directed the event, time begins to slip once more. It is then he discovers there is more to consider than space-time theories.

When the prince meets his namesake, they form a brotherly bond. Perhaps this meeting has been foretold and hidden in the promise made by King Arthur hundreds of years in the past to return when Britannia needs him once more.




 
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tags

, alternate history, britannia, dragons, fantasy, honor, humor, kings, love, merlin, merlyn, time travel, young adult

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Chapters

45

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Chapter 45

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CHAPTER 45

The company of riders burst into the spring morning with sunlight flashing off armor and sword. The sound was steady like the staccato beat of a hundred drums from hooves pounding the path in the well-disciplined cadence of great destriers. The King looked magnificent in his highly polished armor and crimson cloak as he led the way with Merlyn riding beside him. Next was Lancelot who rode beside Mordred where he could keep him near his watchful eyes, followed by the knight who carried The Pendragon standard. It flew behind the bearer like a blaze of red flame on the wind carrying the symbol of the dragon.

Spirits were high that morning of imminent combat. King Arthur’s mounted soldiery, from the archer to the fully armored knights approached the site chosen by their King where the battle would be met that day. They were eager in their desire to roust the Saxon horde from their homeland.

The lessons King Arthur had learned long ago when he was a small child and when he first met his friend and namesake would be remembered this day. The man, who came from another age to guide him in the ways of being the best king he could be, taught him well. The young Arthur said that he would let his knights fight for him until he was big enough to fight himself.  Now, he led those knights and was a man grown and ready to meet the challenge to command his destiny.

In the distance, they could see King Arthur’s five hundred pike men and foot soldiers that  already arrived and now awaited them at the bottom of the hill that was their destination. The ranks parted to either side of the road to permit their king and his knights to pass. The mounted party rode to the top of the hill and stopped to get the view of the vast sweep of the shoreline below. Arthur raised his hand and every knight obeyed the signal to reign to a halt. There was absolute silence. Even the horses sensed the need to stand at attention.

The King’s banner was like a live symbol that echoed the fear that gripped every man there from what was seen below. It slowly floated down to drape across the rump of the horse of its bearer. Then, a strong breeze swelled off the sea and lifted it high again just as Arthur turned and flashed a smile to his knights. Their hearts answered to a man and they raised their swords and spears into the air in salute to their King.

The Saxon tents in the camps below stretched as far as the eye could see. Hundreds of men in the armies of the Saxon Kings went about their business of readying themselves for the day. There was no question Arthur’s men were outnumbered.

To make matters more of a challenge, the armies of Arthur’s allies from the West Country had not yet arrived but he wanted to wait as long as possible to give them more time. There was hope they would still arrive before the Saxons discovered their presence so they would not have to give up the advantage the element of surprise would give them. But any Saxon scout in the area might quickly report the threat that looked down on them that day. 

With Arthur’s five hundred foot soldiers at the rear and back of the hill, they were protected from an attack in that direction. The Saxons would need to divide their forces to attempt to surround the hill where Arthur and his mounted knights held the high ground and thus command of the supreme advantage over any attack from below. Even if the Saxons formed a shield wall, Arthur’s mounted knights with armor, long swords and spears would penetrate such an attempt with a swift force and the enemy would be decimated in a short time.

Merlyn smiled at Arthur and reached over to place a hand on his shoulder. ”When you see that the worst has come, that is when you use Excalibur. Draw it out and do your best, Lad.”

Then Arthur made the decision to engage the battle before too much more of the day was lost to them. If the allies arrived once this was underway, then of course, that too would give them another advantage.

King Arthur raised his hand, motioning to the mounted archers to prepare their arrows and await the signal.  Archers nocked their arrows to begin their death ride.  Arthur's hand dropped, and a sudden scream of whistling arrows sprung forth and filled the sky plummeting toward the Saxons below. The archers then retreated back up the hill and made their stand knowing they were covered to the rear. The enemy was unprepared and unarmored and this resulted in many of them being slain in the beginning by the rain of arrows and stopped them dead where they stood.

Nevertheless, they quickly rallied and almost immediately, the two Saxon kings divided their forces just as was expected and set upon Arthur fiercely from behind. With that, King Arthur turned with his knights, and fought behind and before, and ever Arthur was in the center of it all until his horse was slain underneath him.

Lancelot was engaged in combat when he saw it happen. Two Saxons came at him from different directions.  He weilded a sword in each hand and seemed to be effortlessly holding off the two men who were ill prepared for one with such skill. It was then that he saw Mordred slash at Arthur’s horse from behind with such fierce hatred in his eyes that even Lancelot recoiled from that look. He quickly rid himself of the two who were keeping him from his sworn duty. Then he directed four of Arthur’s knights to assist The King to mount another horse.  He must protect the King at all costs. His eyes gleaming with the fire of his anger, Lancelot rode his huge battle horse over the bodies of slain Saxons determined to stop the fleeing Mordred who knew he made a grave mistake and turned to escape.

Merlyn just shoved his staff into the face of a Saxon who was attempting to climb up his cloak as he sat astride his horse. He looked up just in time to see Mordred’s treachery and gave a nod of assent to Lancelot, knowing what would happen if Mordred were caught by the Champion Knight.

Rage carried Lancelot after Mordred. He rode into the midst of the ground battle taking place to the rear of the main offense that roiled at the top of the hill. By some miracle, Mordred managed to drive his horse through until he was nearly free of the chaos that surrounded him. He glanced back only once to see that he was pursued.  He knew that Lancelot saw what he did to Arthur’s horse. His dark hate of Arthur mixed with the fear in his eyes as he desperately tried to elude the greatest of all knights who was fast bearing down upon him.  His time had come for he knew that Lancelot would not relent until he was dead. Still, he kept on trying to escape.

It was then Arthur drew his sword Excalibur, and it was so bright in his enemy’s eyes that it gave forth a light like thirty torches. From then on events turned in his favor. He moved wielding his mighty sword with an ease that gave him an aura of invincibility. Some Saxons merely stood gazing up at his brilliance, putting down their sword when their time came to die rather than retreat back to where their own Kings waited with archers ready to shoot any man who turned and ran.

Later, when the sun was still high in the sweet spring day, the allies from Britain’s West Country rode into the battle with vigor and high screams.  This was not before wave after wave of Saxons had thrown their lives down at the base of the hill where Arthur’s men stood them off. There was a wall of the dead where one piled upon the other, slick with blood that made it necessary for the attacking enemy soldiers to climb upon the bodies of their fallen brothers to get near the battle. This threw them off balance enough to give Arthur’s men the edge and the Saxon advance was halted in a matter of a few hours. The invaders turned and fled to that place from where they came, many had been slain by their own leaders for leaving the battle too soon, then when it was clear that the battle was lost, they all fled.

During that time, Lancelot rode his horse hard extracting all the speed he could muster from the devoted beast. Then he was forced to slow his pace and weave in and out of the dense growth of trees in the forest where he last saw the retreating dark form of Mordred astride his black horse. By the time, he had reached the forest it was late afternoon and the fading light fell in long slanting beams filled with dancing motes that filtered down through the branches of tall trees. The forest floor was already lush and green with moss and innocent blooms of wildflowers were scattered in every direction. Lancelot was struck by how unseemly it would be to spill blood in this reverent place.  He so loved the nature of spring.

The sound of battle had long faded and the only song that could be heard was the gentle call of the forest birds. Lancelot heard trills, whistles, and an occasional chatter of chipmunks busily scurrying in and out of their nests to prepare for their newborn. He wondered if he was mistaken and had taken a wrong turn into such a peaceful scene. The dense growth gave way to an open area where a stream brought icy water down from some far away high place. Lancelot paused to allow his destrier a cool drink. He turned in his saddle and looked all around but could see no sign of movement.

Lancelot knew Mordred must be somewhere close by. Perhaps even close enough to hear him if not actually see him from some cowardly hiding place. He shuddered with disgust over how brazen the fool had been to think he could turn events so Arthur would be killed in battle. All his display over the past weeks while he pretended to be eager to become a knight were false. All along, he waited for his chance at some kind of misplaced revenge. Just thinking over this situation brought the anger and outrage flooding back and Lancelot turned his horse around to better survey what lay in the distance.

Come out Mordred. Do not make it worse by cowering and hiding like some rogue. You are shameful and need to answer for your crime.”

Then Lancelot rode a little further back into the forest, stopped and listened. All of the sounds  ceased as if they disappeared just as Mordred had done. Lancelot taunted him further rather enjoying putting into words what he wished to say ever since he met Mordred.

Show yourself you poor excuse for a man. You are nothing more than an insolent dog. Does your bravery only extend to acts of traitorous betrayal and deceit?”

Still there was no response.  Ever watchful, Lancelot rode on, searching for Mordred.

Then, a sound of laughter drifted in from somewhere in the darkening trees. It was a high-pitched hysterical laughter that was chilling and sinister in its madness. Lancelot recoiled at the odious sound of it and felt a growing deep anger for the one that not only attempted to kill his dearest friend and king, but also was even now defacing his beloved forest with his wicked presence.

The sky above was suddenly much darker and Lancelot looked around in confusion at the unnatural phenomena. There was a rush of hot wind high in the trees and a dark shadow passed overhead followed almost immediately by another. So dense was the canopy of leafy branches that only a glimpse of reddening sky could be seen that was rapidly changing to herald a setting sun. The air was sinister in the stillness that felt heavy and oppressive. 

Lancelot rode quickly, his horse threading its way through the trees back the way they came. The thought foremost in his mind was to get back to Arthur immediately where he could help to shield him from the danger that was revealed at last.

Chapters

45

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Raymond Terry wrote 344 days ago

I am putting this up with six stars because Autho doesn't offer seven.

Admittedly, it has taken me quite some time to read it all the way through and at this point, all I can say is HURRAY!..'

I suppose, were I a Connecticut Yankee, instead of an unreconstructed Confederate, I might be tempted to wave a flag..(.sporting a 'white' dragon, of course,) but since I am a fifth generation Floridian, with only some very shirt tail British ancestry, all I can manage is a profound thank you to Mary and David for this wonderful addition to a list of sequels reaching from well before Malory and Chretien de Troyes, through T H White and Dennis Lee Anderson to the recent historical portrayal by Clive Owen.

The compendium of legend surrounding this once and future king is vast. To behold, not merely as some thing beheld, this expansion of a tale so well known is a privilege beyond compare and quite the thing that held my attention all the way to the end.

Since Arthur/ Arth Vawr, the great bear who succeeds the dragon, is such a fixture of our collective imaginings, this faithful retelling, and clever embellishment of that myth, hitting so close to home for all of us, will find an audience of acceptance reaching far beyond any fantasy or YA market. Who amongst us does does not yearn for the love these characters find as this sweeping story unfolds, even Sorikon...

Although late in rallying to your flag,due to the time it has taken me to read this tale, I am proud to support your work. RT

P.S.
And will someone please tell me what happened to to the rest of that tower on Glastonbury Tor? I mean, if the original church was really mined for materials, why didn't the thieves take all of it?

Stark Silvercoin wrote 845 days ago

A King in Time tells a really good story that seems perfectly situated for the young adult market. While the legend of King Arthur (and Merlin and the rest of them from the original story) has been told and re-told many times, including putting the characters into modern day settings, this tale is unique in the way that it mergers the future and past.

The tale begins with a mystery, as all YA books should start with either a mystery to be solved or an action sequence to be resolved. It flows well from that point forward, our initial questions enough to keep us reading through some of the less exciting chapters. Given that this is aimed at YA, you might consider pushing the pace just a little bit more and eliminating or severely paring down some of the chapters. Young readers tend to have shorter attention spans than adults and doing so might help to keep a younger audience enthralled.

The dialog is particularly good, especially as it mixes a great number of people from various social classes and time zones. But each character is appropriate based on who they are and where they are from. My one slight nitpick would be that Arthur Wales would probably speak a bit more casual than he does here. Given that the current Prince William and Harry are extremely casual speakers (proper but without pretense) I can only imagine that the royal family would continue this trend into the future.

Author Mary Enck and David Gutscher do a masterful job of description no matter what time we happen to be experiencing. All five senses are included in all cases, drawing us right down to modern day London street level or back to the days of yore. It’s all very seamless and believable, which isn’t an easy thing to do given the fantastical nature of the tale.

While I think the YA market would certainly embrace A King in Time, I suspect that adults would as well. It’s got all the positives to make it work as an adult fantasy tale, and so becomes the rarest of books that young people and their parents could both enjoy. I predict that A King in Time will have much success when published.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Kenneth Edward Lim wrote 1062 days ago

Mary,
I followed the sedate, stately pace of your book as it progressed inexorably to the point where the Arthur of modern times met up with his namesake King Arthur of Britannia. It was a brilliant treatise around one of the great "what-ifs" ever. Your characterizations are thorough, your prose easy to comprehend and dialogue uncluttered. Thank you for this majestic piece written for the pleasure of the masses.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

~mak~ wrote 1340 days ago

This is a great read, I almost marathoned this book in one go since it kept me mesmerised and the plot compelled me to read on.
What can I say; a great story, good characters (I love the air of royalty and dignity that flows with them), well-timed suspense and fine dialogues.

thank you for putting it up here so I had the chance to read it.
Backed

PCreturned wrote 1352 days ago

This is a professional piece of writing, clearly written by somebody who takes the work seriously.

With your story, you've managed to put a new and interesting spin on the Arthurian legends, and have given it a fresh lease of life in the process. We are treated to a seamless melding of legend, time travel and contemporary fiction.

I'm more than happy to back this book, and wish you all the best with it. :)

Pete

Sharahzade wrote 6 days ago

Chapters Ten and Eleven inclusive

Arthur's dream at the cottage and the juxtaposition with the old man - very well handled!!

And the John and Margo dancing to a wise-man's tune.

Priceless!

It flows

Darius
PS I really like this



Darius, such dedication to my story. I am so thrilled to get your reactions. You are almost in the time portal. Very soon, my friend, very soon.

Thank you,

Mary

Darius Stransky wrote 6 days ago

Chapters Ten and Eleven inclusive

Arthur's dream at the cottage and the juxtaposition with the old man - very well handled!!

And the John and Margo dancing to a wise-man's tune.

Priceless!

It flows

Darius
PS I really like this

Darius Stransky wrote 11 days ago

Chapters Eight and Nine inclusive

Many questions raised and possible answers but you still keep us in suspense.

In Nine we get more of an insight into John's head as he puzzles over events in an attempt to understand just what's going on.

References to King A and the blackbird are as intriguing as ever

I see you are 'stuck' at 141 I'll do something about that in 22 days

Many thanks and best wishes

Darius

Sam Barclay wrote 12 days ago

Hi Mary,

I have thoroughly enjoyed reading this first chapter. I like the idea of setting this in the future. The writing is lean and moves the story on quickly. I have given you 5 stars. What follows are just a few very minor nits with the intention of helping you polish your m/s. Here goes:

I counted at least 4x 'seemed' so you might want to make the odd tweak in that respect.
Hyphenate 'man made'?
By 'seemed sincere' I'd like a little more description of the old man. I'm guessing he's Meryln but I think a little more detail would help the reader visualise things...even if it's just the staff.
Could you give us a quick example of one of these 'customs' ? The pay off is to add depth to your worldbuilding and identify with Arthur's distaste for boring rituals etc.
Please(,) sir
'those things you wish' is a good hook.

Overall, as I say, an excellent read so far.

If you could take a look at 'Dax,' I'd be extremely grateful to you.

Cheers, Sam

Sharahzade wrote 14 days ago

Thank you, Tracy. I look forward to reading your book. It appears to be a story I would love.

Very enjoyable, well done and lots of luck.
Backed.
Tracy

tracy t wrote 14 days ago

Very enjoyable, well done and lots of luck.
Backed.
Tracy

Zoe Morgan wrote 20 days ago


Hi Mary and David :-)

A review for WTF

 

Pitch – Captivating! I am a huge fan of the myths of Camelot and King Arthur’s Knights.


Although it’s set in 2100 AD, it reads like a historical novel, as though Arthur and his mother, Elizabeth III live in the seventeenth century. The way they speak, her badgering for him to take a wife. It might be because Arthur is royal but our royal family today our quite modern. I reckon things would become less informal in a hundred years time. I only say this as I haven’t read the parts where we go back in time and I imagine there wouldn’t be so much of a contrast between the narrative in 2100 and in the 400s.

Chapter 1

A good opening chapter,  we get to know a little about Arthur and the intrigue if the old man who hints at a  prophesy of his future.


- “The old man just stood there leaning on his staff and smiling as if he already knew all that Arthur was telling him…” I just wondered if it would be better to simplify this sentence to show, rather than tell… maybe something like… “The old man leant against his staff and smiled. He already knew the histories .”


- “or the fog would cause it to become difficult to find his way back to the road…” –  another sentence which could be simplified: “the fog would make it difficult to find his way back to the road.
 

Chapter 2

The questions keep coming! I like it! Who is John? Is he Arthur of Camelot?

 

Just a few comments:


-“ with her appearance and little else, unless (there was) something or someone advantageous to her.”

- John is surprise to learn he’s been in hospital a whole year  when he thought it was only a week – yet in the beginning of the chapter, he remembers that it is now spring, not August.

- “The Bobbies who filed the report.” – This sounds like a cheesy British stereotype thing to say “Bobbies”  – Police would be better, I think more people would understand what it meant.

- “There was an intensity to the gaze that came from those eyes…” – a gaze always comes from the eyes. Maybe “There was an intensity to his gaze”

-

Chapter 3

 

Another nice hook at the end here.

 

I enjoyed this and will read on for sure, this is a very interesting concept! Your narrative flows nicely and there is a real sense of mystery.

 

I’ve given this high stars and added it to my watch list. I wish you all the very best.

Zoe x

Authonomy Editors wrote 25 days ago

Some very convoluted sentence construction actually inhibits the story here. I often found myself reading things twice to work out what you were trying to say.

For example:

'Arthur loved the ancient stones and trees that came long before such things as buildings with skeletons of steelwork in the minds of men.'

I sort of know what you are trying to say but the sentence doesn't really make sense. Are the skeletons of steelwork actually inside the minds of men? I think you mean that Arthur prefers natural stone and wood to man-made structures, nature over technology, but you have written in it such unnatural fashion that is loses all impact.

'A ringing of the phone signaled a call coming in from his mother' by which you mean his mother was on the phone.

Perhaps you are trying for a particular style of writing, something that feels antiquated? I am not sure. I am sure that it doesn't work though. It is annoying and gets in the way of any story that might be there.

As an editor my advice is to cut out the complex style and tell the story in a more honest and direct way. Until then I think you will struggle to find a publisher for this.

Sharahzade wrote 69 days ago

Chapters 5 - 6 and 7 inclusive.

Things hotting up now eh?
Lovely scenes in London and in the country.
Must admit our 'pale rider' came out of nowhere.
Your characters are certainly fleshing out.
Very good
I will be back
Best
Darius
The King's Jew



Thank you once more Darius. "Hotting up,"? So pleased you are enjoying the adventure.

Mary

Darius Stransky wrote 69 days ago

Chapters 5 - 6 and 7 inclusive.

Things hotting up now eh?
Lovely scenes in London and in the country.
Must admit our 'pale rider' came out of nowhere.
Your characters are certainly fleshing out.
Very good
I will be back
Best
Darius
The King's Jew

Sharahzade wrote 74 days ago

Came back for another look
Up to Chapter 5 now
I am impressed at the way you handled the 'prophet's return to the hospital.
There are wheels within wheels here and I feel I am just beginning to mesh with some of the cogs you have so enticingly set in motion.
Another star added
Thanks again for backing mine
Best wishes
Darius
The King's Jew



Your enjoyment of my creation is appreciated more than I can express. Thank you for your diligence in reading on. I hope you continue through to the end. It's all there. Should you find the time to do that, I would love to hear what you think. I love your analogy of " . . . wheels within wheels . . ." Reflecting on that really gave me another insight to what I wanted to achieve.

Best wishes to you with your novel. I was a pleasure to comment.

Mary Enck

Darius Stransky wrote 74 days ago

Came back for another look
Up to Chapter 5 now
I am impressed at the way you handled the 'prophet's return to the hospital.
There are wheels within wheels here and I feel I am just beginning to mesh with some of the cogs you have so enticingly set in motion.
Another star added
Thanks again for backing mine
Best wishes
Darius
The King's Jew

Darius Stransky wrote 94 days ago

A King in Time
Read chapters 1 & 2 and look forward to continuing.
An interesting premise in this book one I wish to pursue.
Is it believable? Who cares. It's a story - a darn good story.
An old saying goes as follows - It is good to live for a while in a book
I intend to do just that with A King in Time
Best wishes
Darius

Sharahzade wrote 262 days ago

timed I rebacked, eh? :-D



Many thanks :) I refuse to give up here.

celticwriter wrote 262 days ago

timed I rebacked, eh? :-D

Raymond Terry wrote 344 days ago

I am putting this up with six stars because Autho doesn't offer seven.

Admittedly, it has taken me quite some time to read it all the way through and at this point, all I can say is HURRAY!..'

I suppose, were I a Connecticut Yankee, instead of an unreconstructed Confederate, I might be tempted to wave a flag..(.sporting a 'white' dragon, of course,) but since I am a fifth generation Floridian, with only some very shirt tail British ancestry, all I can manage is a profound thank you to Mary and David for this wonderful addition to a list of sequels reaching from well before Malory and Chretien de Troyes, through T H White and Dennis Lee Anderson to the recent historical portrayal by Clive Owen.

The compendium of legend surrounding this once and future king is vast. To behold, not merely as some thing beheld, this expansion of a tale so well known is a privilege beyond compare and quite the thing that held my attention all the way to the end.

Since Arthur/ Arth Vawr, the great bear who succeeds the dragon, is such a fixture of our collective imaginings, this faithful retelling, and clever embellishment of that myth, hitting so close to home for all of us, will find an audience of acceptance reaching far beyond any fantasy or YA market. Who amongst us does does not yearn for the love these characters find as this sweeping story unfolds, even Sorikon...

Although late in rallying to your flag,due to the time it has taken me to read this tale, I am proud to support your work. RT

P.S.
And will someone please tell me what happened to to the rest of that tower on Glastonbury Tor? I mean, if the original church was really mined for materials, why didn't the thieves take all of it?

Seringapatam wrote 411 days ago

Mary. I have read three chapters of your book and although I cant critique as some could on here, I can tell you how much I enjoyed it and what it did for me. The book isnt what I would normally read but it quickly got me hooked. All I can tell you is that it flowed really well and the narrative voice was really good. Your descriptions and you choice of words coupled with the pace of the delivery is what got me hooked to it. I wish you luck with this and I enjoyed it.
Sean Connolly British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

mooshypeas wrote 414 days ago

I'm a sucker for King Arthur stories or settings. I enjoyed your first chapter very much and wish you the best.
Backed.
MP

K E Shaw wrote 432 days ago

Hi Mary,
I remember your chp 1 from reading it several months ago, and did a brief scan to refresh my memories on the details before continuing - and ending up 5 chapters in! You have done a very skilful job of building up the mystery layer by layer in each chapter, so that even though we think we know where this might be going (from the pitch), we begin to wonder what exactly and how much more is really going on.
John with his amnesia, but recognising Prince Arthur at some level of his consciousness, followed by Eizabeth apparently knowing something about him that he himself does not, then the old man from chp 1 coming to visit him, and finally Elizabeth herself - and John not in fact being who she had thought - all serve to build up an intriguing set of questions that we can't help reading on to find the answers to.
I especially liked the hook at the end of chp 4, where the old man warns John to be wary of Elizabeth, and refers to the past 'evil' - you certainly are keeping the reader guessing.

The narrative flows well and easily, making this what I think is a highly readable and enjoyable tale for all ages. As you know, it's one near and dear to me, and this is a great angle you have taken on the traditional legend. I will be more than happy to continue reading and to get into the heart of this story you have created. I'd also highly recommend it to any fan of Arthurian legend that would enjoy a different take on tradition.


As I was reading, I jotted down a few a notes: (mostly because I felt I should offer some reviewing points, but I was pretty engrossed in the story, so not much!)
chp 2
Only one thing I wasn’t totally certain of was when John, after listening to Margo’s explanation, is thinking to himself that he had lost only one week, not one year - I take this to mean that in addition to not knowing who he is, John also cannot hold on to any memory for longer than one week? Maybe I’m reading this incorrectly, though?
Chp 3,
Missing comma after Arthur,
2nd para small tense issue: She smiled at how she [had] escaped

‘Regale’ as in to entertain or delight - if this is the meaning you intended, i.e. Arthur being entertained by his mother’s matchmaking efforts, perhaps a tweak of the sentence to read ‘Have you come to regale me again [with your wish/desire that I should] select a wife. Judging from the fact that Elizabeth is laughing at this, I think this is what you mean, it just reads a little strangely as it stands, as one can't regale someone to do something.

Chp 4, para 3 - there was a contradiction here, with “upon a time he preferred the hustle and bustle of city extravagance, people who scurried about with heads low...” Perhaps this needs a “but now” or “but these days, people hurried...etc” - it needs a transition from the time he did prefer the city to his current preference for the countryside.
The inclusion of the aside over the term elevators as opposed to “lifts” sidetracked me into wondering whether the old man was American? Not sure if this is intentional, perhaps a clue to some later part of the plot or background story - to imply he had spent time in/come from America? If it is included for the purpose of clarity for American readers, though, I’m not sure it’s actually necessary.

Wishing you all the best with A King in Time
Kim
The Seventh Gate

Nartana wrote 466 days ago

Very professional.

Sheldon wrote 573 days ago

A new friend on this site suggested adding books quickly to my shelf to get a user ranking established. I looked and I found your book to add since I liked the first chapter. I added your book and gave it a lot of stars and will continue to read. Hope all goes well with your book.

Sasha12345 wrote 576 days ago

I will read your book soon. I have put it on my shelf and highly starred.

Arnbjorn wrote 578 days ago

Club Grimoire Review

Chapter One

First of all, I think the pitch is really well constructed. It gives an intro to the story and establishes what it's about, and strikes just the right tone of mystery and the unknown to entice us to find out more. Going by the pitch, the story seems very interesting, blending King Arthur with time travel, just the sort of thing that YA's would feast on.

Chapter One

This opening does really well to establish and show us the character of our MC and the world that he lives in. We learn a little about his personality but also his inner thinking. There are several scenes, and the story is propelled quickly along in only a short space of time, and so I think is suited to its YA audience as far as pacing goes. The dialogue is fine in my opinion. I did catch a couple of comments about changing the formality of the prince's speech to more colloquial, which I think might be an idea. The hooks in this chapter are the foreshadowed reunion of Arthur and the mysterious man, and also the matter of the queen's attempts at matchmaking.

The main thing that I think needs attention here is the fact that Arthur does not seem to react realistically enough after he is blown off his feet. Yes he says 'what the devil was that?' and groans rising, and a frown sits on his brow in the following paragraph. But I would say the whole incident should baffle him more so. Also I think the sequence of events here should be reversed so that first he takes in the beauty of his surroundings then is blown of his feet. As it stands, the description of the scenery seems to me to get in the way of his reaction after his fall.

An enjoyable read and I'm looking forward to Arthur's time travel!

Arnbjorn

Sabina Frost wrote 578 days ago

Club Grimoire Review

You have a good grasp of the language, though you could benefit from reading it aloud to see where you should and shouldn't place commas, and your writing style is intruiging. The plot is unique in its own way, and this chapter is a good beginning to something I'm sure will develop into a nice story.

I do believe you'll have to work with letting the reader into your character's head, however, for this chapter kept its distance, somehow. We get to know very little about what Arthur thinks about what is happening.
Also, I'm confused about the time and setting - is this in the future or the past? Judging from the titles '2100', I'm guessing it's in the future, but then there is so much that don't fit in, such as the way they speak. On the other hand, it can't be the past either, since you talk about phones. Personally, I think you have to make this clearer and give us a better understanding of the time and setting. If you do that, I think this will have great potential.

Sabina

CaileD wrote 584 days ago

Grimoire review
Mmm...very nice style, IMHO just right for the YA market. Knights, Kings, etc. always a puller with the readers. I found this to be a nice piece of writing, and I can somehow feel that's it's written by two...don't know how, but it's there. Watch out for the double meaning 'action' words, ie. "A frown sat on Arthur's brow", things like that, it could get kinda surreal. But then I'm like that. Liked the characters and clean dialogue :-)
All the best
DJC

Abby Vandiver wrote 591 days ago

I love this story. Wouldn't it be wonderful to have the beauty, integrity, and wonder of Camelot? Your writing is very good and just needs a little editing. But it is certainly intriguing and exciting. Many stars frm me.

Abby

rikasworld wrote 593 days ago

I think this is a brilliant idea. I'm not a big fan of royalty but a lot of people are and would be attracted by a story about them. I've actually just re-read T H White's marvellous Once and Future King and I think the time is probably ripe for another Arthur retelling. Setting it in the future with a real Prince Arthur is a very original l idea.
I liked the idea of starting at the standing stones and the meeting with the Merlin figure and device of having Arthur bang his head introduces a nice element of uncertainty. It's a very striking opening chapter.
I see a lot of people really like the mist as a grey wolf with its belly close to the earth, I wasn't sure about introducing such a sinister image for mist but clearly that's just me, so please ignore.
I think the dialogue with Merlin is really good. The dialogue with the gentleman in waiting or whatever he is seemed a bit stilted. It's difficult as obviously it can't be too casual but it is in the future ... not sure.
It is definitely a chapter that makes you want to read on!

junetee wrote 593 days ago

Club Grimoire.

I like the beginning where Arthur's mysterious appearance is written straight into the story. I was very curious to know what was about to happen next.
It is well written with wonderful descriptive writing, bring the scene to life. One of my favorite parts was 'a fine mist crept towards him like a gray wolf with its belly close to the earth. It roamed the valley and up the incline where he looked in wonder at the veil of white laced with shadows.' I think there possibly shoud be a comma behind the 'white', but I'm not very good at commas, so I can't really say for definate, but I'm sure it needs one somewhere.
This is an interesting story and one I'm sure both YA's and adults will love. Oddly enough my second follow-on book has a sightly similar storyline going by your pitch. Its about my M/C travelling back in time and discovering he is the risen King Arthur who has returned to save the Britons from the Saxons ( and to pick up his sword tfor a later battle and return to the future for the last battle). I shouldn't say this because I haven't even put the book on the site yet.
Anyhow you have written this brilliantly. I can see just from your first chapter you have studied your history and etc to write it. I saw no signs of edits except the odd little comma as I pointed out which are minor, which I am probably wrong about anyway .
Good luck with this.
junetee
FOUR CORNERS.book one.The Rock Star

EllieMcG wrote 597 days ago

Club Grimoire: A King in Time:

I'm a big fan of knights and King Arthur's tale - so I thought this was a brilliant idea. I still do, actually. From the first chapter, I think you've set it up nicely, I that I think there's definitely a plot unfolding, and you seem to be controlling it well. You've got some great writing too.
on occasion, I think you get caught up in trying to describe too much all at once - which makes some long sentences. I like that you've taken care to involve all the senses, but I've pointed out a couple of sentences that have too many ideas stuffed in. A trick is to read it aloud and see how many breaths you need to take. :) 
Anyway, here's some comments. I hope they're on board with what you're looking for. :)

The first sentence is very long - I think it's be more effective if you shorten it. 

A brilliant flash of light surrounded him - how about "enveloped him" ?

He groaned and sat up taking in deep breaths of  the sweet fragrance - another really long sentence.
As often happens in the country, a fine mist crept toward him like a gray wolf with its belly close to the Earth - I really, really loved this Imagery. (although, I'm not convinced you need "as often happens in this country - I find it distracts from this fantastic line. It's the wrong tense, too, if you decide to keep it. 
and  continued to speak in a casual relaxed way. - you don't need both casual AND relaxed.

"Are you there?  I wanted to talk with you." - I'm not convinced by this reaction. Wouldn't he be worried for the old man disappearing in the fog, if he's a gallant, noble man? (maybe I'm reading it wrong, sorry!)

On the dialogue: it's not bad, but I was frequently confused on the timing of 2100/medieval because of the formality of the dialogue. Will people really speak like that in 2100? I think it will definitely work for your medieval scenes, but I wonder if it would be more palatable if the 2100 scenes were written with more colloquial, catchy dialogue. It's up to you, of course. I'm also not convinced a 2100 Arthur is dealing with arranged marriage issues, but again - its up to you. 

Overall, I'd read the second chapter, because I like your premise so much. It has lots of promise, and there are some seriously brilliant lines in there. I guess my overall suggestions would be to consider switching up your writing style to match your eras, but that is my totally amateur opinion. 

Anyway, hopefully some of this is helpful.  Nicely done. :) 
Ellie

Shelvis wrote 600 days ago

Club Grimoire Critique of "A King In Time" by Mary Enck

My first impression was that this has one of the most abrupt starts I've seen in a while, and I instantly came to the conclusion that it was no accident and that he had gone back in time, or through a portal of some sort, or been taken by some kind of magic. I regretted having read the pitch first, because the mysteries of the fog (which was beautifully described, btw), the quiet, and the old man (whom I recognized as Merlin) weren't as mysterious as they could have been. Even so, it was a strange and eerie experience and very well portrayed as such, which captures the spirit of Arthurian legend. It made me feel something I haven't felt in a long time: a belief in magic.

I have said this about so many of the books on the Grim, and I mean it each time: I'm really looking forward to round 2 so I can have a chance to read more than one chapter. ^_^

~ Shelley

Ferret wrote 602 days ago

Club Grimoire Review
I was very taken with the concept of this, as hinted at in the first chapter - the young, modern Arthur about to become king, meeting with - I would guess - Merlin amongst the standing stones.
I did trip on 'forced his head into contact' - I personally would have preferred 'knocked his head against', and 'Arthur frowned' instead of 'a frown sat' on his brow... but otherwise the writing was smooth.
But... and this is a purely personal reaction, but it did pull me up very short indeed... almost at the end of the chapter we hear 'he wanted more than anything to bring unity to Great Britain' followed by a reference to Ireland. What exactly *are* his intentions for Ireland? and why does he think Ireland had been unsettled 'from the time of Henry VIII?' England first invaded Ireland well before that, in 1169... I know this is fantasy, but I was completely thrown by this reference, and rather unhappy about the implications.

Lucy Middlemass wrote 608 days ago

A King In Time

Chapter One

I’ve never read anything like this, and it’s delightful. Here we have King William’s grandson, Prince Arthur, in his special place amongst the stones. He is disturbed from his peace by a gust of wind which inexplicably knocks him from his feet - a great start. He is joined by a mysterious stranger who emerges from some rather unnatural-seeming fog, and who seems to know more than he is willing to say directly. The old chap a wizardy sort, I think, and his refusal to answer Arthur’s questions properly makes for some excellent dialogue.
Having somewhat reluctantly only read the first chapter (with the Grimoire restrictions in mind) I’m left unsure whether Arthur is imagining the old man as a result of his injury or whether the injury is just a result of the change in weather caused, somehow, by the old man’s magical appearance. No matter which, it’s a great start.

The first sentence is a bit overdone for my taste - is it the tranquility of the landscape which “seems to dissolve” or the entire landscape? If it’s all of it dissolving, then what’s Arthur left with? I guess it must be just the tranquility dissolving because of the wind, but then it doesn’t “seem” to “dissolve” - surely it does?
The old man doesn’t have the full use of his arms afforded to him by the way he’s carrying his cloak because one of his arms at least is encumbered by his stick.
“and continued to speak in a casual, relaxed way.” You probably don’t need both “casual” and “relaxed”. This clause also wouldn’t work as a stand-alone sentence so doesn’t belong after a semi-colon.
“fore go” is often one word.

Other than those minor things, I couldn’t find anything to crit and I enjoyed my very brief read of what looks to be an incredibly well-researched, well-thought out and charmingly written book.

Lucy

Neville wrote 612 days ago

A King In Time.
By Mary Enck in collaboration with David Gutscher.


A really nice leisurely start to the book as Arthur meets up with the old man, strange that he knows so much about Arthur as they have a somewhat brief discussion.
I love this line, so poetic in description:-
… a fine mist crept toward him like a gray wolf with its belly close to the Earth…
I realized straight off that I’ve read this book before, quite a while ago and I liked it then, but it has been updated a lot and is more polished. It reads very well I must say.
Ch. 2/ …”….I really cannot recall anything prior to last Tuesday. Margo,” he said leaning forward… Comma after ‘Tuesday’ (before a person’s name in speech).
I like the description of the old man as he makes his way to the Mother of Mercy Hospital.
Having stopped of at Bertleby’s tavern intending to clean up, he succumbs to the odd glass of rum…’Yes, a bit of liquid courage had been just the thing’—I could picture him well with his stick swinging to and fro.
You have some really nice description running throughout the book—‘No, he preferred the quite solitude of the hills, the slower pace of life among the farmers of his homeland, the songs of the birds against a backdrop of blue skies and the gentle aroma of lilac blossoms’.
I love sections like this; they just breathe life into the book.
I admire the amount of historical data that you have managed to put together…no easy task!
A great deal of research has gone into writing this, burning into the late hours, I’m sure.
Having read the storyline before, I’ll not read further…what I will say is that the book commands a place on bookshop shelves—that is my honest opinion.
Six Stars!! Excellent writing!

Best regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

John Bayliss wrote 613 days ago

Club Grimoire Critique

Arthur is often described as "The Once and Future King" -- there are plenty of novels about the "once" half of his existance, but this is the first that I know of to consider a "future" incarnation of Arthur, too. Interesting!

I have to admit that the only bit of this chapter that I really have to take issue with is the opening sentence. I suspect that you taken a lot of trouble to get this right and re-written it several times over, but by trying to get everything you want to say into this one sentence, it ends up far too complicated for its own good. (Sorry!) I don't understand how a landscape can "embrace" him, and I don't like "seemed to dissolve" which suggests that you're not sure if it dissolved or not. (Presumably, from Arthur's viewpoint, it did dissolve, so the "seemed to" is redundant, even though it did not literally dissolve.) The phrase "forced his head into contact with" is an overcomplicated way of saying "he knocked his head against".

As the first image in the novel is an action--Arthur being blown off his feet by a gust of wind and knocking his head against a standing stone--then just show us that action happening. You don't need to mention the landscape all at this point, because it doesn't matter. In the next paragraph you've got plenty of time to give precise details of the location and anything else you need to say.

The reason why I am concentrating on this one sentence is that the rest of the chapter was fine. It read well, I found Arthur an engaging character--a young man who knows he will soon have great responsibility placed on his shoulders and is eager to do the right thing. The dialogue is just right for a young Englishman who has obviously received the best education available. (Though who knows how anyone will be talking in 88 years time!) I would be more than happy to read on to find out more about him.

I like the image of the mist. I happen to live not too far from Glastonbury (right in the centre of everything Arthurian) and believe me, more than once I have a mist rising from the Somerset Levels that could very well be described as a grey wolf!

best wishes and good writing, John

mat012 wrote 614 days ago

Club Grimoire Review:

I have ever been a fan of Arthurian legends and it seems that this group is filled with wonderful renditions of them. The idea of an Arthur in the future is one I had not come across before and quite a fun way to bring the legend to life. There were were few nitpicks I had that might help you tweak the story a bit (if they work with your vision of course):

In the first sentence you say the landscape was embracing him. How is the landscape embracing him? By sight? Sound? Smell? You don't need to give a glut of description here but maybe a little something to let us know what sort of peace he has found.

A frown sat on Arthur's brow? I can see where you are going there but it gived me a very peculiar mental image. Have you considered creased?

"I'm grateful for your concern. Just who...." These sentences don't seem particularly tied together. Have you considered putting a but in there?

The description of the mist and likening it to a wolf is fantastic.

For the most part it is a good moving pace and gives a few good hints as to who this Arthur is and who he will begin. The ending question is more than enough to get people turning the page to the next chapter and the man in the mist is a very strong hook.

Good luck,

Meagan

Sharahzade wrote 615 days ago

Club Grimoire Critique

Before I get on to my nitpicks about your first chapter, I wanted to say I think this is a very interesting idea, something quite original from what I've read so far, and certainly an opening that made me want to continue reading :)

I did find the language a stumbling point. Arthur speaks very very formally, which suggested to me that he was from the past rather than the future. Combined with the falling over the the bright flash of light at the start, I was starting to think maybe he had time-traveled. It was only when I rechecked the dates and read on that it became clear that he is a future part of the royal family - based on how the royal family, particularly the younger members, speak today, I think you could easily loosen this up a little. Don't make him a cockney by any means, but maybe relax it a little so he sounds more relatable - the majority of your YA audience are less likely to bond with the character when he's so very distant sounding.

Once I understood what was going on, I found the premise and the characters very interesting :) my biggest niggle would be with your opening paragraph. Although I think I know what you were trying to convey, it's very difficult - it's quite an emotionless moment, described almost like a scientific order of events. And then no more reference is made to it. As it's your opening statement it seems like it should be very relevant, the grinding and the bright light, but no more mention is made of them and nothing appears to have happened.

I would suggest perhaps going with a different order of events? Arthur surveying the countryside and deciding this is where he will rebuild his ancestral home, perhaps then slipping on his return to his chauffeur (or something, but it seems unlikely that a crown prince would just disappear out onto the hills when he could probably just ask to be driven there), then banging his head and THEN seeing the old man. Having his fall and then immediately seeing the stranger seems like a more likely turn of events than falling over, spending a bit of time contemplating the view, then seeing the mysterious figure.

I do think this is a really good idea, it could just use some tweaking to make it a stronger opening :) I look forward to reading more!

KT



Hello K. T.,

Thank you for your comments on A King in Time. I am pleased at how you found the idea interesting.

It's noteworthy that there have been many different observations concerning how royals may speak eighty eight years onto the future. If the present Queen is any indication, I believe that it just may continue in the dignified manner that it has for many years. I believe there are all sorts of effects on the behavior of any individual. Upbringing, associations, family influences and the lack of any siblings might have significant impact of how a character presents himself. A dear friend has told me that a formal way of speaking merely indicates a well read, educated individual. I agree with him, particularly in the way in which I have created my characters.

Ergo, it was very astute of you to find a connection to the future Arthur and that illustrious King Arthur of legend. I believe there are many hidden things in this novel that will, hopefully upon discovery, create an "Ah Ha!" moment in the reading of it. I see from your list of novels you have enjoyed mystery in abundance.

I would like to clear up one other point you raised. The first sentences are that way after I had a discussion with one of my past professors at U.C.L.A., who is also a well known literary agent. I love England and its incomparable beauty. I originally had the beginning to be more of a landscape study of the surrounding area. He felt that I might create a gripping start to this story with the way I have it written now using pure action. What I realize from this is that one cannot please everyone. It's good that it takes a variety of tastes so that readers can choose what pleases them.

Again, my thanks to you for sharing your ideas with me.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck

K.T.Bowman wrote 615 days ago

Club Grimoire Critique

Before I get on to my nitpicks about your first chapter, I wanted to say I think this is a very interesting idea, something quite original from what I've read so far, and certainly an opening that made me want to continue reading :)

I did find the language a stumbling point. Arthur speaks very very formally, which suggested to me that he was from the past rather than the future. Combined with the falling over the the bright flash of light at the start, I was starting to think maybe he had time-traveled. It was only when I rechecked the dates and read on that it became clear that he is a future part of the royal family - based on how the royal family, particularly the younger members, speak today, I think you could easily loosen this up a little. Don't make him a cockney by any means, but maybe relax it a little so he sounds more relatable - the majority of your YA audience are less likely to bond with the character when he's so very distant sounding.

Once I understood what was going on, I found the premise and the characters very interesting :) my biggest niggle would be with your opening paragraph. Although I think I know what you were trying to convey, it's very difficult - it's quite an emotionless moment, described almost like a scientific order of events. And then no more reference is made to it. As it's your opening statement it seems like it should be very relevant, the grinding and the bright light, but no more mention is made of them and nothing appears to have happened.

I would suggest perhaps going with a different order of events? Arthur surveying the countryside and deciding this is where he will rebuild his ancestral home, perhaps then slipping on his return to his chauffeur (or something, but it seems unlikely that a crown prince would just disappear out onto the hills when he could probably just ask to be driven there), then banging his head and THEN seeing the old man. Having his fall and then immediately seeing the stranger seems like a more likely turn of events than falling over, spending a bit of time contemplating the view, then seeing the mysterious figure.

I do think this is a really good idea, it could just use some tweaking to make it a stronger opening :) I look forward to reading more!

KT

Sharahzade wrote 616 days ago

Club Gilmoire Review

You set the mood pretty good, but I think the opening could use some description as to the scenery. To me, it reads like any old field, yet I know England has some beautiful landscapes. I like the introduction of the old man coming out of the fog. It seems like you’re trying to tie in the wind, the light Arthur sees after hitting his head and the sound as some mystical force that brought the old man. I think that could be done in more detail and with more mystique, so then it can be certain that Arthur didn’t just see and hear things after bumping his head from being blown over by the wind.

You bring out some good information from the dialogue with the old man. I would have expected Arthur to be more shocked that a stranger knew so much about his future – an old man talking about hearing stories of King Arthur when the old man was a child. Anyway, it is an interesting story.

N. LaRonda Johnson
http://authonomy.com/books/45790/anticipation-of-the-penitent/



Thank you N. LaRonda for your comments on A King in Time. I appreciate knowing your impressions. Best of luck to you with your novel.

Mary Enck

Sharahzade wrote 616 days ago

Grimoire Review:
This is a lovely story, set in England, quite some time in the future. The story of Arthur has been told many, many time, but you make it seem original.
The opening scene is atmospheric and mysterious as the Prince Arthur meets a strange old man who acts as though they know each other.
I also liked how you added in the media’s hype about the “return of King Arthur.” It adds a level of authenticity to the story.
Arthur’s dislike of all the media attention and cumbersome customs made him seem real and sympathetic. I definitely want to find out more about him.
This might be just me, but the second half of the chapter didn’t captivate my attention the way the first half did. I’m not a hundred percent sure why. I think part of it was the paragraphs of summarization and that to me there didn’t seem to be that much tension. It could also have been the lack of physical descriptions; I couldn’t picture clearly what Arthur’s surroundings were like the way I could the foggy countryside. The end of the chapter felt a little sudden and anticlimactic, especially when I glanced ahead at the second chapter.
Completely ignore me if this doesn’t feel right for your story, but I think you could cut that second half and add a lot of that information into the first half—his thoughts about the reactions of the already hyped-up media if they knew he was planning on rebuilding Camelot, his mixed emotions about being king, etc. You could probably even add in his mother calling him on his cellphone before he is distracted by the old man’s arrival or something. This way you could end on the stronger note of the old man’s disappearance and I think it would add a little more tension throughout. Again, this is your story, and this is just a suggestion—and maybe not a very good suggestion.
Some nitpicking:
“possible danger; and continued” I don’t think you need the semicolon there.
“casual relaxed way” at least to me, “casual” and “relaxed” are close enough in meaning that one of them seems redundant when they are used together.
“just stood there leaning” seems like it could use a comma after “there”
“Arthur’s Aide, Cromwell flung” probably needs a comma after “Cromwell”
“Please Sir” should probably be “Please, Sir”
Other than that, I thought this was very well written and you’ve made me want to find out what happens to Arthur and England.



Thank you, Kayla for your comments in A King in Time. I always appreciate notations about punctuation. I agree about the second half of the chapter and I will take a closer look at your suggestions. This is precisely why these reviews are so valuable to us. For me, it is the primary reason for participating on this site.

I look forward to reading your story of Elven Society. It sounds like an enchanting read. Best of luck to you.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck

Sharahzade wrote 616 days ago

Club Grimoire Review:

There are several retellings of the King Arthur legend, but this is the first I've seen set in the future. An interesting take on it and I'm curious to see how technology and imagined advances play into this.

I love the line describing the fog like a 'gray wolf.' I only wish you had more description of the setting and characters.

Best of luck with this!



Hello Emily:

Thank you for your comments on A King in Time. I am pleased that you like the opening chapter. Although the story begins in a future time, this tale is primarily set in yesterday. England has a rich history that has survived for hundreds of years in the way people speak, traditions and the ancient architecture that rests on the ir beautiful land. Whilst the country has their share of advances in technology, the royal essence still surrounds the area from the past and wonderous rulers who have been so colorful. For the legend of King Arthur to have survived all these ages, as a well loved story. I can only wish my writing should last that long.

For a mother of children, I am amazed that you have such a collection of stories to tell. Those you have posted here hold great interest for me and I put you on my watch list. Most certainly I will read the novel you have in the Fantasy Club Grimoire.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck

Sharahzade wrote 616 days ago

Club Grimoire Review:

This is definitely the first Arthur tale I've heard of taking place in at least two points in time, not to mention two Arthurs.

The first location in the story seems a good place to start, someplace that connects both of the central characters. I think you were hinting that the old man could be Merlin, which could also be pretty neat.

Being about King Arthur, your story already has a lure big and familiar enough to set it apart from others. The original (as far as I can tell) spin you've adapted is surely enough to highlight it among the rest. Its rating here is as good an indicator of its popularity as you should need.



Hello Meera,

Thank you for your comments on A King in Time. It's good to know that my intention to set the scene for mystery have done their job. The old man may not necessarily be Merlyn. There are other characters in the story yet to come and I hope everyone will read far enough into the tale to discover what takes place.

I read your long pitch and it is so well done and intriguing, I look forward to reading your story.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck

Sharahzade wrote 616 days ago

Club Grimoire Critique

Always nice to see another Arthurian, one of my own currently non-authonomy projects deals with heavy Arthurian motifs, so every contrast I find is of interest.

This story in particular is very interesting, not because it's Arthurian, but because of its originality and unique premise. I'm always interested in time travel as well, and the idea of two Arthurs is an intriguing one, as well as an alternate history.

The writing is also very good, well paced and well styled with some great insights into the main Arthur character and a fantastic air of mystery about the stranger. No nitpicks or criticisms pop out at me, so all in all, well done, and highly starred.

KT



Hi Rachel,

I thank you kindly for your insightful review of A King in Time. To get a point of view from one who really appreciates this genre of fiction, means so much. I am pleased at your comments and I am compelled to read your story too. I have been in the process of moving my residence and it has kept me away from the computer. It's refreshing to return and I will be very interested to read your work.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck

Karataratakas wrote 616 days ago

Club Grimoire Critique

Always nice to see another Arthurian, one of my own currently non-authonomy projects deals with heavy Arthurian motifs, so every contrast I find is of interest.

This story in particular is very interesting, not because it's Arthurian, but because of its originality and unique premise. I'm always interested in time travel as well, and the idea of two Arthurs is an intriguing one, as well as an alternate history.

The writing is also very good, well paced and well styled with some great insights into the main Arthur character and a fantastic air of mystery about the stranger. No nitpicks or criticisms pop out at me, so all in all, well done, and highly starred.

KT

Meera Taj wrote 618 days ago

Club Grimoire Review:

This is definitely the first Arthur tale I've heard of taking place in at least two points in time, not to mention two Arthurs.

The first location in the story seems a good place to start, someplace that connects both of the central characters. I think you were hinting that the old man could be Merlin, which could also be pretty neat.

Being about King Arthur, your story already has a lure big and familiar enough to set it apart from others. The original (as far as I can tell) spin you've adapted is surely enough to highlight it among the rest. Its rating here is as good an indicator of its popularity as you should need.

Emily Rebecca wrote 620 days ago

Club Grimoire Review:

There are several retellings of the King Arthur legend, but this is the first I've seen set in the future. An interesting take on it and I'm curious to see how technology and imagined advances play into this.

I love the line describing the fog like a 'gray wolf.' I only wish you had more description of the setting and characters.

Best of luck with this!

Kayla H wrote 620 days ago

Grimoire Review:
This is a lovely story, set in England, quite some time in the future. The story of Arthur has been told many, many time, but you make it seem original.
The opening scene is atmospheric and mysterious as the Prince Arthur meets a strange old man who acts as though they know each other.
I also liked how you added in the media’s hype about the “return of King Arthur.” It adds a level of authenticity to the story.
Arthur’s dislike of all the media attention and cumbersome customs made him seem real and sympathetic. I definitely want to find out more about him.
This might be just me, but the second half of the chapter didn’t captivate my attention the way the first half did. I’m not a hundred percent sure why. I think part of it was the paragraphs of summarization and that to me there didn’t seem to be that much tension. It could also have been the lack of physical descriptions; I couldn’t picture clearly what Arthur’s surroundings were like the way I could the foggy countryside. The end of the chapter felt a little sudden and anticlimactic, especially when I glanced ahead at the second chapter.
Completely ignore me if this doesn’t feel right for your story, but I think you could cut that second half and add a lot of that information into the first half—his thoughts about the reactions of the already hyped-up media if they knew he was planning on rebuilding Camelot, his mixed emotions about being king, etc. You could probably even add in his mother calling him on his cellphone before he is distracted by the old man’s arrival or something. This way you could end on the stronger note of the old man’s disappearance and I think it would add a little more tension throughout. Again, this is your story, and this is just a suggestion—and maybe not a very good suggestion.
Some nitpicking:
“possible danger; and continued” I don’t think you need the semicolon there.
“casual relaxed way” at least to me, “casual” and “relaxed” are close enough in meaning that one of them seems redundant when they are used together.
“just stood there leaning” seems like it could use a comma after “there”
“Arthur’s Aide, Cromwell flung” probably needs a comma after “Cromwell”
“Please Sir” should probably be “Please, Sir”
Other than that, I thought this was very well written and you’ve made me want to find out what happens to Arthur and England.

Chancelet wrote 622 days ago

Club Gilmoire Review

You set the mood pretty good, but I think the opening could use some description as to the scenery. To me, it reads like any old field, yet I know England has some beautiful landscapes. I like the introduction of the old man coming out of the fog. It seems like you’re trying to tie in the wind, the light Arthur sees after hitting his head and the sound as some mystical force that brought the old man. I think that could be done in more detail and with more mystique, so then it can be certain that Arthur didn’t just see and hear things after bumping his head from being blown over by the wind.

You bring out some good information from the dialogue with the old man. I would have expected Arthur to be more shocked that a stranger knew so much about his future – an old man talking about hearing stories of King Arthur when the old man was a child. Anyway, it is an interesting story.

N. LaRonda Johnson
http://authonomy.com/books/45790/anticipation-of-the-penitent/

Zyg wrote 625 days ago

Club Grimoire Review.

I have to say that this left me unenthused. For me the language was imprecise, clumsy and flowery.

For example, how on Earth does a landscape embrace someone? And then seem to dissolve?

The wind “... forced his head into contact with one of the nearby Standing Stones.” Surely you mean he banged his head as he went down? This reads like the wind grabbed hold of his head – and just his head, not the rest of him – and pushed it against “one of the nearby Standing Stones”. “Nearby”? As opposed to distant?

Then your next sentence: “A brilliant flash of light surrounded him, followed by a grinding sound from beneath the Earth”. There’s a mis-match between the two halves of the sentence. “There was a brilliant flash of light, followed by a grinding sound...” is grammatical. What you have isn’t – and it also suggests that the grinding sound surrounded him.

To be horribly blunt, I had at least one problem with nearly every sentence. You might well have a great story here but the style you’re employing keeps drawing attention to itself and getting in the way.

eloravelle wrote 626 days ago

Club Grimoire Review-

At first this seems like just plain old King Arthur walking around int the fields, and moors.

But then you put the word Prince. This catches me off guard.Since when has he ever been Prince? I have always known him as King.

So I figure to myself okay this is different. Extremely so especially when I read the lines social media and the time period 2100.

I definitely would like to see where this goes. What technology you will bring in and how this unfolds.

-Elora

Writer in Red wrote 626 days ago

Club Grimoire Critique

What a fantastic beginning! I can already see a movie appearing from these words. I love the mystery of the old man and Arthur's reluctance. By the end of the chapter I have a feeling that Arthur is a spoiled brat which only adds to his character that, I am guessing, will grow and change throughout the story. Wonderful descriptions of the time and place. Much research must have gone into this. My only concern is that I was unsure whether Arthur was from the past going to the present. Perhaps make it clear that Arthur is wearing a modern coat or he pulls out his cellphone. Something instead of just 2100. Other than that a great start and I want to read more. Best of luck.