LoDebar - Awakening

I first wrote the story about 25 years ago as a writing project; I updated some of the technology and concepts. No real research involved in the book, I just extrapolate existing technologies forward about 50 years and imagined what would happen if society had to "start over" with that knowledge and no moral or ethical boundaries. What would such a society look like a millenium later? The supernatural aspect is based on scripture, but the social structure is purely humanistic.

Gene, hi - I read the first 4 chapters and enjoyed LoDebar - Awakening.
I'm including it on my Watch List with is really my 'to read' list.

Where did you do your research? Your story arc seems geared toward people who enjoy thought. I like the psych mention to your characters.
I understand that longer eBook novels, 120k + range sell quite well.

About my novels: Evolutis Rising is the 2nd novel on Authonomy. Last year I had Dangerous Awakenings, which has been published on Smashwords and Amazon. In ten to twelve months, I'll be uploading Genecaust. All three are about reprogramming the human genome by the newest human species, Homo Evolutis.
ELR

Gene, this is a thought provoking piece of Sci-fi that builds slowly and solidly. Its depth and complexity runs along the lines of HG Wells and Aldous Huxley.
--emarie
Jackson Jacob Henry Brown, III

Gene, hi - I read the first 4 chapters and enjoyed LoDebar - Awakening.
I'm including it on my Watch List with is really my 'to read' list.

Where did you do your research? Your story arc seems geared toward people who enjoy thought. I like the psych mention to your characters.
I understand that longer eBook novels, 120k + range sell quite well.

About my novels: Evolutis Rising is the 2nd novel on Authonomy. Last year I had Dangerous Awakenings, which has been published on Smashwords and Amazon. In ten to twelve months, I'll be uploading Genecaust. All three are about reprogramming the human genome by the newest human species, Homo Evolutis.
ELR

Thank you James, I admit it is a little heavier reading; the details and dilemnas presented in the story are meant to be a bit cryptic, many of which will be answered in later books of the series. Solitude posted here has not been updated in some time; the completed final edition is available for Kindle through Amazon.com as a combination of Solitude and parts of LoDebar. The book was also renamed as LoDbar - Awakening,

Regards,

Gene

Hello Gene:

I read through the first three chapters of Solitude and this is definitely a thinking man's sci-fi novel. One of the attributes that make it unique is the attention that you devote to developing the psychological environment in this futuristic, rigidly-controlling environment.

The high vocabulary level distinguishes this as a well-written, well-crafted novel, though it might potentially be a little challenging for simpler readers. I did find your description of the artificial, underground lunar world to be especially creative.

There are two typo/spelling errors that I did notice, both in the last paragraph of Chapter 2:

"iss"
"quite" should be "quiet"

Blessings and best of luck.

James

Hello Gene:

I read through the first three chapters of Solitude and this is definitely a thinking man's sci-fi novel. One of the attributes that make it unique is the attention that you devote to developing the psychological environment in this futuristic, rigidly-controlling environment.

The high vocabulary level distinguishes this as a well-written, well-crafted novel, though it might potentially be a little challenging for simpler readers. I did find your description of the artificial, underground lunar world to be especially creative.

There are two typo/spelling errors that I did notice, both in the last paragraph of Chapter 2:

"iss"
"quite" should be "quiet"

Blessings and best of luck.

James

I liked this! I read all twenty-seven chapter you got up straight through! So for me that's a sign that you kept my attention so it must be good. Now I have to let you know that I'm just reader so I am not at all qualified to split your sentences or gauge your commas for you. What I can tell you is this is something I would buy in a heartbeat,man.
Ty

Love your use of dialogue and how I want to keep reading. Backed

Hi Gene!

Since you haven’t been to Authonomy for a while, I hope it’s okay that I’m sending this through your book comment:

I’d like to thank you for backing BRAINRUSH (a Thriller) last year. Because of you it hit the Authonomy Number-1 slot, attracted an agent, and landed a film option. Now that’s a brain-rush! The formal book launch is September 1st and the sequel will be released in December. None of this would have been possible without your help. So, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!

Sincerely,
Richard Bard, BRAINRUSH

PS. If you want a good laugh, check out the temporary book-trailer video on the BRAINRUSH website. It’s there as a placeholder for the upcoming professional video. The current one features children and it’s guaranteed to make you smile! And yes, the younger kid on the screen is really me. You can see the video at www.RichardBard.com. The link is also on my Authonomy profile page. Special offer for former Authonomy backers between now and the formal launch on Sept 1st: If you would like to receive a “Review” copy of the eBook (plus 2 FREE thrillers from the Kindle Top-20 PAID Bestseller list – yes, really), go to the website, click the “Contact” button, and leave a message that includes your Authonomy username and the secret code words “I Feel the Rush!” Details of this promo will be emailed to you. Thanks!

I was drawn to your book when it appeared on the "Pitch me" element of the Authonomy website. The cover is excellent, as is the short pitch. I've watchlisted this one.
Clive
The Pyramid Legacy

An edgy, eloquent science fiction story with well rounded, complex characters. Wonderful imagery. Effective dialogue. Credible world building. Brilliant writing. A pleasure to read. Backed.

Gene,
Solitude is an enthralling and original science fiction novel filled with suspense. Backed with pleasure.

Hi Gene, it would be unfair for me to comment about your story as I hate science fiction, but your writing is first class and that's enough for me.
Backed with best wishes, Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

Very good, solid sci-fi story. :)
Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

Wow. I am speechless at the depth of detail in this gripping story. I can see this book on shelves (or online, or even both!) without much trouble :D Keep up the good work.

Backed!

Solitude.

An allegory that harnesses a misty area of human perception to create a disturbingly convincing work. Prose that is almost lyrical at times encases pertinent imagery to vivify landscapes that live in the imagination.

The style exudes a sense of anxiety that keeps the ball rolling, and the characters are energetic.

Some parallels with the Biblical time-frame appear unambiguously, others in the subj-text. Being a believing Christian or a religious scholar are no prerequisites to this entertaining and thought provoking read.

Backed.

Azam Gill
“Blasphemy!”

This is intriguing, the pitch blew me away, the Earth vanished? I had to look again to make sure I'd read it right. Great punch you in the face mystery. The world is credible and multilayered and the characters seem very natural in it like it's normal for us, never mind them. Very good indeed,.

What an imaginative story. Good characters. Good settings. A good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Gene,
An interesting premise. Also a well written prose.
My first suggestion would be to switch the first 2 paragraphs. P2 to me make a much more gripping opening to grab your reader. Opening with the weather and a off handed mention of the Machine would not get me if I were browsing in a book store.
I imagine you will get some suggestions to shorten the chapters. Many readers like short chapters so they have a clear place to take a break.
Other than that well done.
MickR - The Nightcrawler.

Have just finished the first two chapters. Have to stop there for now, but I find the story perfectly attuned to my concept of a science fiction future. Synthetics, mind control etc. The writing is incredibly dense and you convey a massive amount of information about the environment in your introductory chapters. I t is not easy to take in all the information but i am intrigued about the box, and later i assume the millions of voices will be from earth.
In the first chapter, the boy walks on ' the precious....' i think theres a word left out here.
Watchlisting it.
Well done
Micheal O'Durcain
Murder on the Menu.

Hello – I like to comment as if I was reading your book in a shop or library, just making notes as I go along. I hope this is Ok for you, it works for me and it is fun

Solitude

Good Cover
The pitches are good.

I will be totally honest with you. I see that this is listed under Christian fiction and I have read your profile. I see that you have twelve Overseers and you have “the machine” now I am not very keen on being preached to not even in a funky and disguised way so I am feeling a bit protective of myself as I start to read this. (You did ask for honest feedback and as I said earlier I just jot my thoughts as I go along).

You obviously have a great imagination and have constructed this reality (wherever it came from) in great detail.It seems now that this little boy is a character in a dream, poor little thing terrified of the Machine. This was well done. I have noted the clever device of using the journal to fill in the back story. Your writing is technically proficient. The “box” is fascinating, we really are gripped now by a desire to know more about that and the entity that brought it.

Now here we find Phelix is grown and a pilot and living in this facility. Your MC is very sympathetic, he is questioning the situation in which he finds himself and his perceived background and he is determined to find out more and indeed to escape.

Although it is very impressive that you have created and peopled this “world” and the introduction of the various entities and their uses and different features is interesting it is also an awful lot of information and it is slowing up the pace somewhat. I can’t help wondering if there should be more interaction between Phelix and the other entities rather than an explanation and description of them. Maybe a short conversation with one of the Cybernetics would be better than the drier explanation of what it is like to talk to them. I do think that you need more action in the earlier chapters.

Although this book is intriguing and fascinating and your imagination is impressive I feel that there should be more show than tell. I hate to say that as it is such a cliché on this site but I do think that in this case it could be helpful. You should take a look at your last sentence in chapter two.

I am going watch this book for a while and will come back to it later when you may have had the chance to do some more work on it.

Thank you so much for your comments. It is difficult to meet everyone's expectations as each is as varied as the individual, but I am willing to make concessions to get this to as close as possible without altering the story. The beginning chapters, I agree, have considerable backstory; the MC (and his two collegues) are in strict isolation and absolute security and I wished to express this by showing not much happens as the universe continues outside. The opening dream sequence, a foreshadow of things to come later, hopefully injects enough energy to sustain the reader until Chapter 3, where the secondary character is introduced. From that point, the conflict and action begins to unfold as the focus of the story develops around three characters caught in the struggle - the protagonist, the antagonist, and one who becomes stuck between.

As you know, every story has a story within, a hidden agenda or message which is either subtly or overtly made clear. Certainly, there are some parallels with my Christian beliefs (the numerology, some of the symbolisms, etc.), but this is not an evangelical endeavour but rather a perspective of something which may become. As a reader, you are exposed to the philosophies of every author you entreat and are, in even the very slightest manner, preached at in one form or another whenever you pick up a book. However, my intentions are not to express fundamental Christianity, but to write a sci-fi story which would fit within my Christian perspective. Every culture at some point has a form of saviour. I have extended this principle to artificial intelligence, with a twist. The only preaching I directly give is from the protagonist, which the reader, if they are aware, will find to be completely against traditional Christianity.

Anyway, thank you again, and I hope you continue reading as I continue editing. The book is on it's fourth editing cycle; each taking consideration of responses I receive from this site and other sources. Thank you for pointing out the inconsistent flow of the last paragraph in Chapter 2; it has been repaired.

Oh, the cover is actually a photo of my eye, altered thanks to GIMP. (Isn't Open Source wonderful?)

Regards,

Gene Wilenius - Solitude

(I have added yours to my WL but since my workweek is now beginning, I will not get to it until next weekend)

Hello – I like to comment as if I was reading your book in a shop or library, just making notes as I go along. I hope this is Ok for you, it works for me and it is fun

Solitude

Good Cover
The pitches are good.

I will be totally honest with you. I see that this is listed under Christian fiction and I have read your profile. I see that you have twelve Overseers and you have “the machine” now I am not very keen on being preached to not even in a funky and disguised way so I am feeling a bit protective of myself as I start to read this. (You did ask for honest feedback and as I said earlier I just jot my thoughts as I go along).

You obviously have a great imagination and have constructed this reality (wherever it came from) in great detail.It seems now that this little boy is a character in a dream, poor little thing terrified of the Machine. This was well done. I have noted the clever device of using the journal to fill in the back story. Your writing is technically proficient. The “box” is fascinating, we really are gripped now by a desire to know more about that and the entity that brought it.

Now here we find Phelix is grown and a pilot and living in this facility. Your MC is very sympathetic, he is questioning the situation in which he finds himself and his perceived background and he is determined to find out more and indeed to escape.

Although it is very impressive that you have created and peopled this “world” and the introduction of the various entities and their uses and different features is interesting it is also an awful lot of information and it is slowing up the pace somewhat. I can’t help wondering if there should be more interaction between Phelix and the other entities rather than an explanation and description of them. Maybe a short conversation with one of the Cybernetics would be better than the drier explanation of what it is like to talk to them. I do think that you need more action in the earlier chapters.

Although this book is intriguing and fascinating and your imagination is impressive I feel that there should be more show than tell. I hate to say that as it is such a cliché on this site but I do think that in this case it could be helpful. You should take a look at your last sentence in chapter two.

I am going watch this book for a while and will come back to it later when you may have had the chance to do some more work on it.

This is a fantastic story. I read a couple chapters but to tell you the truth I was hooked after the first two paragraphs. You set the intrigue right away. What is the Machine? What happened to the planet? It made me want to keep reading. I think you've created some memorable characters also. This is a story that is going to stick with me afterwards, a good sign of a well written book. I enjoyed it and wish you luck with it. This impressed me tons.

Missy
Mark of Eternity

Gene, that cover is fantastic, perfectly suited to your novel which is equally dramatic in concept. The pitches are very involved, even in such a short space, but there's no doubting the degree of intrigue you pack into them.
I'm certain I'm not your ideal reader, the SF genre has been an eye-opener for me on this site as I rarely read it before I joined Authonomy. The specific demands of SF are well represented here and your imaginative powers are formidable. I'm always impressed by writers in this genre having the capacity to retain their story 'in their heads' without having the framework of real life as a basis for their work and this book is a fine example of that skill. Dystopian societies are a hot topic and I wish you well with this book. Fine writing and a plot of epic proportions, I'm pleased to back this.
Jared.
Mummy's Boy.

Dear Gene, I love thriller, science fiction, & Christian books. :) Great imagination. I love it. Your story is a good read because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue which makes me want to keep reading & reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing your book. :) Please take a moment to back my TWO Books, ... "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" ... and the UNEDITED version? ... "Tell Me True Love Stories"
Thanks, Susie :)

Although your story is something I very rarely read, I have found your book exciting and well written. I am backing it and hope you will look at my story, Three Stayed Home a WW2 adventure and love story. I hope you enjoy it although totally different to yours. JohnJ

The anatomy of Nexus is what i find most intresting here. Learning about it is fun.

Tope Apoola
Times of the supermen

Gene, your first chapter is well-written. Nothing to nitpick there.

Happy to back the potential of your story.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

I really enjoyed the first chapter and look forward to reading some more later. Glad to back another Concordia alumnus.

Mark
The Long Embrace

Repaired tense and POV inconsistencies in the opening sequence of Chapter 1, and once again considerably reduced the exposition Phelix gives in his journal.

Overall: The author needs to work on controlling POV.

Your first sentence is interesting, but it is way too long. Great last sentence, though, really hooks the reader.

"He knew it made the wind, it made the mist," Run-on sentence.

"the Machine must die" Present tense. Doesn't match the rest of the novel, which is immediate past tense. "the Machine had to die."

"His father's large, rough hand HAD gently RESTED---" Past perfect. This begins and ends in the distant past, so past perfect is required.

"The Machine, a planetary transformer, HAD BEGUN" Past perfect.

"The intelligence it possessed---" POV shift, from inside Phelix's head to inside the Machine's head.

"Nexus sensed Phelix's anxiety---" POV shift, from inside Phelix's head to inside Nexus' head.

The little interior tale was quite interesting. No POV shifts, and it flowed quite smoothly.

I have a feeling this plot is going to whip once it shifts gears. I've read two chapters and it's obvious you're technically skilled but unfortunately there's no emotion here. Even the dialogue is technically proficient. Now I understand that sci-fi takes a great deal of groundwork. You have to build an existence from the foundation so your plot can move forward. But, there’s so much exposition and explanation that I’m unable to emotionally engage with your work. Now I understand the achievement of technical writing - but a novel has to emotionally engage the reader so that the reader can find himself in the prose. I just think you need to offer something for a heart to hold onto - otherwise it’s a textbook. You know?

Mark R. Trost
“Post Marked.”

Thanks Mark,

Solitude is the first book in a series and is used more to identify the world and the characters for subsequent novels.

I am still in the process of editing and revising based on the comments I receive. There is an intentional contrast between the first part of the book and the subsequent chapters, dialogue really does not develop until Chapters 3-4. Phelix is a dry, emotionless character simply because he does not associate with humans so his world is filled with facts and procedures. I open with the dream sequence to capture attention for the breif dry period to come where I expand on the nature of the society, from Phelix's perspective and on some "truths." Beginning in Chapter 3, the reader is introduced to Andrus Helt and the Overseer Council (the emotionally detached elite ruling party). Helt's dislike for his position is implied. I actually start developing the relationships in Chapter 3, since this is where the human-human interactions really begin to conflict, and problems within this tightly controlled society become apparent.

The tension rises a bit more in Chapter 4, which shows Theode, one of Phelix's collegues, is emotionally unstable. theode has strong emotions, but encounters a greater threat near the end of the chapter.

There is a slight break in Chapter 5 with the introduction of Aripax and some of the dynamics among the Clones, Synthetics, and Humans. Aripax is one of the rarest of Synthetics, one which has shown some emotional attributes, and teh trouble it has in making a life-changing decision presented by his employer.

Beginning with Chapter 6, the secrets and conflicts really begin to unfold and the true nature of the characters, buried under complacency of a burden-free society, begin to unfold - and none of them really know how to handle the conflicts. The matter gets far worse with the introduction of LoDebar whose insubordination begins to bring out Helt's character. LoDebar has two attributes which begin to whip up the action and dialogue - extreme hate, and arrogance. A paranormal element begins to develop around LoDebar's character, which quickly builds into the creation of a frenzied rebellion against the humanity.

Read on, and let me know if the book remains as emotionless as the first few chapters. (If you get a chance, compare to the sequel I am working on - LoDebar. The book begins immediately with far more intensity. It is also posted, but only four short chapters are completed.)

I have a feeling this plot is going to whip once it shifts gears. I've read two chapters and it's obvious you're technically skilled but unfortunately there's no emotion here. Even the dialogue is technically proficient. Now I understand that sci-fi takes a great deal of groundwork. You have to build an existence from the foundation so your plot can move forward. But, there’s so much exposition and explanation that I’m unable to emotionally engage with your work. Now I understand the achievement of technical writing - but a novel has to emotionally engage the reader so that the reader can find himself in the prose. I just think you need to offer something for a heart to hold onto - otherwise it’s a textbook. You know?

Mark R. Trost
“Post Marked.”

Gene,
Whoo! Ch 1, although important and engaging, was a strain in its length. Your background in science helps and hinders, sometimes obscuring what is essentially a human story. No problem with the tech aspects, but they need to be shaded down a bit while the human element brought forward: clone or no clone.

This is a fascinating read with much food for thought. The nature of Nexus is mysterious as well as how other came to depend on it/him(?). This strikes me as a portentous metaphor for human interdependence on technology, to the extent of sharing (invading and controlling) existence.

It is written extremely well, but careful of those techie leanings. I share the same tendency.

Backed.

Alan (Time of the Avatar)

Hi I was really intrigued by what I read so far. The machine and the idea behind it is fascinating, it seems to me to almost symbolise a god for these people and now their god is about to die, it leaves them in a volatile position. I enjoyed this, as i aid I found it fascinating, I really like the idea and I hope it does well for you. On my shelf. Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

Thought provoking Sci-Fi, of a type that isn't common on the site, and very readable.
Backed!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.

Wow. The machine. I read the description with intense interest, and wondered if it was worshipped by some of the colonists. Questions came up, like: Who built it? If humans, what happened to them? Would the colonists survive? Did they still keep contact with the builders? This of course makes me want to read more.

Chapter two opens well, with good dialogue. Science is solid, and I’m a big fan of good science in science fiction.
One small nit though. You need to edit more. No surprise, everyone does. An old rule of writing is show, not tell, and you tell too much. Telling drags the movement of the story down, bogging it in explanations and scientific wows. This same charge was levelled at me and it opened my eyes. I’m on my sixth edit myself. Use dialogue to break up the telling or reveal facts the reader needs to know.

For example, you have the comment, “Unit 3K will accompany you,” said Nexus. Then you go on to describe the unit’s age and shortcomings. Can this come out in dialogue? Perhaps Phelix could argue the possibility of not taking it, or taking a more sophisticated one. What if the cyborg presented its own defence, giving the reader some insight into it’s ‘person’?
This obviously involves a lot of changes, but I think it would make your very good story even better.
Backed
Paul
We’ve Seen the Enemy

Just get the story going on the assumption that the character knows all this stuff. You can let the reader come to grips with it little by little as needed. It's an info dump, pure and simple and it gets in the way of the story.

However, I am not a scifi fan so you can easily ignore my opinion if this is standard fare for sci-fi. I wouldn't know.
It's why I don't feel qualified to comment on most genre.

Hi,


Could use somewhat less exposition in Chapter One.

Tim Chambers
Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes.

I agree about the lengthy log Phelix gives in the first chapter, a considerable amount of history is revealed, details which are built upon throughout the book. I think a lot of this dialogue is redundant so cut a major portion out, leaving Phelix, and teh reader, to discover these details as teh story progresses. The storyline is unchanged if Phelix does not know these exact details - he learns so much once he is selected as a pilot, the revelations can fuel his desire to escape at that time just as well as they do in Chapter 1. Besides, not immediately knowing all the dynamics of the humans/Clones/Synthetics, the reader is allowed to excersice their imagination a little longer while these dynamics are slowly expanded throughout the story.

Thanks for the suggestions!

BACKING you. I can use your comments on my book if you can spare the time. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Hi,

I'm backing your book to speed it along to its inevitable date with the Editor's Desk. Sci-fi is not something I enjoy, nor something I should comment on, but your style is entertaining and readable, and you need reads from authors of other genre, just as we need reads from yours.

Could use somewhat less exposition in Chapter One.

Tim Chambers
Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes.

Very nicely executed, Gene! Smooth, flowing storyline, great character development... Kudos on honing a professional novel! Keep fighting the good fight! Backed!

Shalom!

Teric Darken (K - I - L - L FM 100: "Music to Die For!")

Backed February 15.

Jesse - Savant

Dear Gene Wilenius, Jr.,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. You have a mysterious beginning, with the critical intriguing ideas being that the Machine creates wind and the question of why it must die. I believe you shift perspectives from the boy to a more omniscient narration, when you start calling the Machine a “planetary terraformer”, and at that point, a break in the text would be appropriate. I find it endearing how the terraformer doesn’t want to fail, and its selflessness makes it sympathetic, its scale makes it amazing. I love how its last gasps come as tremors.

In my fallible opinion, you could make your dialog even more engaging. “You know my feelings about those simulators” could be improved on, as it’s hard to justifying saying something the other person already knows. Instead, portray his negative feelings with some color of his character background and create a new line, such as “Well, if simulators are the answer to everything, why not just simulate happiness?”

This small matter aside, I enjoyed your story. Bravo! Backed.

Best wishes,
Alan Marling

Interesting concept.

Backed this a few days ago and came back to leave a comment.

Very good style and voice and easy to read. I was interested in the Machine, as soon as I started reading about it and it pulled me neatly into the story.

Lorrii
(Euphoria)

Great name PHELIX.. I'm a fan but I'd back this anyway
it's super well written, catchy and entertaining. Hope it goes
to the top!.........Mikell The Free

Sorry had an emergency and just had time to back it before.

I love the idea behind your story and the writing flows exceptionally well.

Enjoyable read for your target audience.

Melxx
Impeding Justice

Backed.

Melxx
Impeding Justice

Backed.

Jesse - Savant

A very well thought out story, it will be a great book, but only if you iron out the few problems, which have already been pointed out. Now though, I really enjoyed what I have read, you have the gift to put into words the things I can think of, but I am never able to write them down. Some sort of block makes it impossible for me to do this. So I have to stick to the children and YA writing. I admire your work and wish you all the very best. You deserve the breaks needed to get you the success and a good publisher. Good Luck. Backed.
Fromante. (Norman) The Witch of Hambone Bk.3. And also, Muddledydo.

Machines and death - things which we're both suspicious and fearful of. A portentous opening with fine description. Great cover too. backed. Lynn