MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND

Well it appears it's been some time since someone has commented on your book. Anyhow, I do agree the concept is there, but there is definately some tweaking to do. I noticed the one paragraph where they were doing a lot of walking, into out of building onto the street. It took a lot for me to understand what people were saying about show more tell less. I found there are great many books in the library to help kick start your own novel.
Good luck
MC
Exposed

I read the first 2 chapters. This is simply my own view but I think your story has great bones.I would start with the short and long pitches. I would re word the first sentence as we already know it's a novel. II'm not sure if the cover really portrays the story, perhaps a picture of a city's core. I hope these suggestions help. Anyhow I have rated your book. Best of luck
Red

Hi,

You have a great premise here. I really like the idea of the story, and I think it could be really gripping.

A few suggestions. I think you get a little bogged down in the physical descriptions at the beginning. We really don't need to know every detail of Sapphire's face, and her friends' and for me, the description slows the story down. Another thought: did you ever hear the writing axiom "show don't tell?" When you say Sapphire seems serene, you're telling, not showing. How about something like, "Sapphire slouched against the wall as she waited for the elevator." Finally, I'll confess I found the dialogue a little bit stiff when the women describe their lunch choices. I don't think we need this information in the first place, but if you think it advances the story, see if you can make it sound a little more casual, the way people really speak.

You have the idea for a winning story, and I'm giving you a bunch of stars. Good luck with it and, especially, thanks again for backing Animal Cracker.
All best,
Andi

My Gentleman Friend is a fast read. Quickly we see that Sapphire is a compassionate soul having recently lost her husband―a good man whose killer is still at large. She gives money to a homeless man whose watch looks familiar and her mind reels with suspicion. After many failed attempts to see him again, she finally buys him lunch. But Richard is no ordinary transient and his observant nature helps Sapphire with a potential buy-out and one that will benefit those who have stock. This is a good plot with romance and a murder to boot! You certainly kept me enthralled through many chapters. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

Rich,
Thank you for your backing.

This one is quite good. I love crime novels and how people find and solve murders. If this was published id buy it :)

This one is quite good. I love crime novels and how people find and solve murders. If this was published id buy it :)

Helen,

Thank you very much for backing MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND. When I clear some space on my shelf, I'll check out and possibly back one of your fine novels. Which one would you like me to back? You might also want to check out DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS. I was in the process of writing it and I was at a stand still when I was involved in a devastating life–threatening automobile accident. So I incorporated what happened to me into my Incomplete novel.

Good luck and happy writing.

Dwain-Thomas

I have backed this it sounds intersting but I would consider trimming the synopsis down .
Think what would it say on the back of the book if it was to be published .
Don't tell the whole story on the back cover that way it gives more mystery ,
Good luck and will read your other book
Helen

I think you have some of the ingredients for a good story here. Your characterisation is quite good, and the plot sounds very good. Your writing, however, needs work. The first chapter seems to be almost all dialogue, which can be tedious, especially when every action is detailed. If you leave out narrative, then sometimes information is missed or misunderstood. eg. when they were sitting down and the bum comes running toward them - 'I can't move.' 'I can't either.' You need to explain further. Are they somehow frozen in place, or it is just that it would have been too embarrassing to move just then?
I would suggest that you lessen the emphasis on dialogue, add some narrative that will enable you to get on with the story quicker, and most important, use past tense rather than present tense. Present tense changes the tone of the story, and seems to invite the writer to put down every single action.
Good luck with your writing. Marj.

I think you are going somewhere with this like your story line and quick dialogue

MY GENTLE FRIEND

Dear Dwain-Thomas,

I love the idea of this manuscript. And the encounter is almost perfect.
Not sure I like Sapphire's name, but that it me. "Her thin eyebrows ..and shaped distinctly not "but." The conversation about what is in her purse seems not right. And there are too many exclamation marks!!!!
There is a pen number instead of a pin number.
This is a terrific concept and once you fine-tune. it will be gripping.
A zoomer

Fascinating premise and I like the way the story unfolds. I'm dying to know what happens and will read more.

You certainly have a lovely protagonist in My Gentleman Friend. Sapphire Summers is exquisitely described and there are enough twists and turns in your plot to keep the reader in suspense. Backed with pleasure.

Thank you for your backing! I shall return the favor.

Hi Dwain-Thomas, I like this storyline and you portray the emotion well - Sapphire in the elevator and then the fracas of the stolen purse.
A few things: The last sentence in the synopsis could use re-working. And in the narration, there were about three sentences in a row that began with "They." You could vary your sentence structure.
Sapphire's tragedy and the pale eyes of the bum affecting her is an intriguing start! Shelved - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Hi Dwain-Thomas, I like this storyline and you portray the emotion well - Sapphire in the elevator and then the fracas of the stolen purse.
A few things: The last sentence in the synopsis could use re-working. And in the narration, there were about three sentences in a row that began with "They." You could vary your sentence structure.
Sapphire's tragedy and the pale eyes of the bum affecting her is an intriguing start! Shelved - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

A very good observation of human relations and feelings.

Great story and very good writing!

My complements.

Backed with real pleasure.

Johanna Kern
Master and the Green-Eyed Hope

Finally returned to finish this book and so glad i did! I am enviou sat what a good writer you are - and see you have another book done too! Are there no ends to your talents! I may have already backed this a while ago but am rebacking it for good measure with pleasure.

Liz
The Cheech Room

Andrew,

Thank you for backing MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND! I appreciate your kind words. I shall have a look at your story and possibly back it. Again thank you and good luck on this long and winding road to publication.

Dwain-Thomas

Your concise, snappy dialogue and use of short paragraphs keeps the pace of your story flowing nicely. You build the character of Sapphire well and your intriguing storyline coupled with your descriptive writing makes your novel a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Your concise, snappy dialogue and use of short paragraphs keeps the pace of your story flowing nicely. You build the character of Sapphire well and your intriguing storyline coupled with your descriptive writing makes your novel a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Susie,
Thank you for backing MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND! You might also like DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS. Thank you for your kind words. You asked if I could back back TWO memoir books. Consider it done. Good luck and happy writing.

Dwain-Thomas

Dear Dwain, I love you wonderful story - what a transformation. :) Your pitch is excellent, so set the hook for me to read your book. :) When you use short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, it makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing your book. :)
Could you please take a moment to back my TWO memoir books? Thanks, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"...authonomy quote.
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs.

Susie,
Thank you for backing MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND! You might also like DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS. Thank you for your kind words. You asked if I could back back TWO memoir books. Consider it done. Good luck and happy writing.

Dwain-Thomas

Dear Dwain, I love you wonderful story - what a transformation. :) Your pitch is excellent, so set the hook for me to read your book. :) When you use short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, it makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing your book. :)
Could you please take a moment to back my TWO memoir books? Thanks, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"...authonomy quote.
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs.

Susie,
Thank you for backing MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND! You might also like DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS. Thank you for your kind words. You asked if I could back back TWO memoir books. Consider it done. Good luck and happy writing.

Dwain-Thomas

Dear Dwain, I love you wonderful story - what a transformation. :) Your pitch is excellent, so set the hook for me to read your book. :) When you use short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, it makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing your book. :)
Could you please take a moment to back my TWO memoir books? Thanks, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"...authonomy quote.
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs.

Dear Dwain, I love you wonderful story - what a transformation. :) Your pitch is excellent, so set the hook for me to read your book. :) When you use short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, it makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing your book. :)
Could you please take a moment to back my TWO memoir books? Thanks, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"...authonomy quote.
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs.

DP,

As per you suggestions, I amended my pitch. I think it might be enticing now. Let me know what you think.

Dwain-Thomas

DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS
MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND

DP Walker,
Thanks for backing MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND! It is very much appreciated. I'll see what I can do about my pitch. Thanks for the in-put. Good luck and happy writing.

Dwain-Thomas
DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS
MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND

DP,

As per you suggestions, I amended my pitch. I think it might be enticing now. Let me know what you think.

Dwain-Thomas

DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS
MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND

DP Walker,
Thanks for backing MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND! It is very much appreciated. I'll see what I can do about my pitch. Thanks for the in-put. Good luck and happy writing.

Dwain-Thomas
DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS
MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND

DP Walker,
Thanks for backing MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND! It is very much appreciated. I'll see what I can do about my pitch. Thanks for the in-put. Good luck and happy writing.

Dwain-Thomas
DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS
MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND

HI Dwain-Thomas
This has everything - action, thrills, romance and suspense. The plot is great and the writing flows smoothly. I would change your pitch though. You give us a synopsis of the plot, but give away too much. Imagine it is on the back of the book and designed to draw readers to buy it. Otherwise, great.
DP Walker
Five Dares

HI Dwain-Thomas
This has everything - action, thrills, romance and suspense. The plot is great and the writing flows smoothly. I would change your pitch though. You give us a synopsis of the plot, but give away too much. Imagine it is on the back of the book and designed to draw readers to buy it. Otherwise, great.
DP Walker
Five Dares

Backed with pleasure!

liz
The Cheech Room

Barry,
Thanks for backing MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND. It is very much appreciated. Good luck and happy writing.
Dwain-Thomas
MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND
DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS

Hi Dwain, you have plotted a very good romance here --plenty of action, everyday life, and the so-important dialogue is very well-written.
Backed with pleasure,
Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

Barry,
Thanks for backing MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND. It is very much appreciated. Good luck and happy writing.
Dwain-Thomas
MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND
DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS

Hi Dwain, you have plotted a very good romance here --plenty of action, everyday life, and the so-important dialogue is very well-written.
Backed with pleasure,
Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

Hi Dwain, you have plotted a very good romance here --plenty of action, everyday life, and the so-important dialogue is very well-written.
Backed with pleasure,
Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

I like the quirky language and conversation. Good way to develop a narrative, and unusual in this genre. Happy to back this for you.
Please consider taking a look at my book, The Job.
Craig

MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND
Dwain-Thomas

What an original plot! This promises to be a very enjoyable journey. You have some engaging characters, a murder to solve and a budding romance in progress. Who says kindness does not pay? I am glad your MC stopped to give the homeless man some change. I would love to come back and read the complete book when I get some free time. Just a tiny nit regarding your long pitch - in your last paragraph, you move from present tense to past tense which seems inconsitent and reads a bit odd. I am no expert and may be wrong, but you might want to review this. All the best in finding a publisher. No problem backing this.
Zan

Welcome aboard, DT. This website will improve your writing craft, if you allow it. The short pitch is acceptable. With the long pitch, break it down into smaller paragraphs so it reads faster. End it with one succinct question. Also, you may wanna reconsider that TELLING versus SHOWING. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

It's an unusual premise and has all the ingredients for an excellent thriller as well as romance. Always difficult when writing in the first person to be objective, so as we see the other characters through Saphire's eyes, sometimes we should see her through theirs. The last sentence of the pitch is awkward with too many 'and's'. That aside, it's an original and promising book. Backed. Lynn

Chapter 1

Your writing is fluid and clear but you need to make the 3 women characters Alice, Sapphire and Janis more distinct from one another and have the women say "sonofabitch instead of son of an unwed mother. You need to write from the female perspective more convincingly and less cliched. I like the premise of your story and your font made for easy reading. I think this novel has potential with editing. Shelved.

Julia Rush
My Parallel Universe

I have to wonder how realistic this is and whether this friend character has some basis in fact or if it's wishful thinking about the homeless. Also I think there is some overstatement of the obvious in the women's dialogue.

MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND:

Dwain-Thomas,

You have crafted an excellent plot for a romance. Full of emotion and conflict and possible ups and downs. You have a very likeable character in Sapphire. Your writing flows smoothly and I like the imagery and description in your prose. Having written romances when I first started writing, I feel this novel has great potential.

I have only one small suggestion to make. In your first paragraph, starting with "Sapphire is a thirty-year-old . . ." I would move this detailed description of Sapphire until a bit later in the chapter. It's Sapphire's thoughts we want to know about right at the beginning, and her actions. Her appearance isn't important at this moment, and it would be better if one of her friends made this observation about her looks. For instance, when they ask her what she is doing tonight, and tell her it is two years since her husband's death, they could then say, between them, everything that you have in that first paragraph: " Look at you. Only thirty years old. You're gorgeous . . . " ending with " . . . curve downwards." The other point about this is that if the story is being told from Sapphire's point-of-view, then she wouldn't describe her own appearance, unless perhaps she was sitting in front of a mirror.

Apart from this small observation, I think you're doing a fine job, and I will back this with pleasure.

Sheila Mary Taylor (Pinpoint)

Love this read. Backed with pleasure. Will be making proper comments later, if needed.

Emma Philips
The Dark Intruder

Virginia,
I used late husband twice in one sentence because if I had of used him, I think it might have been confusing if I meant her late husband or Richard, her gentleman friend. I use both in the same sentence. Thank you! I appreciate your feed-back. Thank you for the heads-up about make. My spell checker didn't catch that and my eyes told me everything was right.

Dwain-Thomas

MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND
DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS

Backed as you have an interesting story here and it reels you in.... you need to amend your avatar though Dwain as this is the thing that catches ones eye and I know I am not perfect and I need an editor but you mention late husband twice in one sentence and it should be "A connection is made" not "make"
Hope this helps and you don't think I am being picky!
Virginia
It Never Rains In Paradise

THANK YOU!!!

I'll have to take a look at yours.
Good luck!

Dwain-Thomas
DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS
MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND

My Gentleman Friend

This is an unusual premise, full of possibilities. The detail in the beginning starts to build Sapphire, however it is her actions and reactions later on that make her really come alive. Then when she meets up with Richard things move along very nicely. Good luck with this.

THANK YOU!!!

I'll have to take a look at yours.
Good luck!

Dwain-Thomas
DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS
MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND

My Gentleman Friend

This is an unusual premise, full of possibilities. The detail in the beginning starts to build Sapphire, however it is her actions and reactions later on that make her really come alive. Then when she meets up with Richard things move along very nicely. Good luck with this.

My Gentleman Friend

This is an unusual premise, full of possibilities. The detail in the beginning starts to build Sapphire, however it is her actions and reactions later on that make her really come alive. Then when she meets up with Richard things move along very nicely. Good luck with this.

This is a good story: a mystery where the detective is homeless. You've made a good character in Sapphire. She's sympathetic because of what happened to her husband. When she makes the connection with the homeless man, the story is set into motion and becomes a god read. I'm adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

I love the plotline and there is huge scope with it to explore many different threads, there is certainly a potential film opportunity here as well. I hope you don't mind me asking - should coworkers be co-workers? Chapter four - broach - should it be brooch? The dialogue tension is perfect and you can sense anguish and frustration. The pace seemed perfect at the beginning but it slowed down by the end of chapter one which was worrying. However, by chapter four the pace was perfect again and seemed to remain so. You are very thorough in your writing and have gone to huge lengths to describe everything in minute detail. You certainly kept my intrigue and I feel that you have a successful book here. Congratulations and wishing you all the best. Paula - How Mean is My Valley?