Silent Hoofbeats (revised)

There's sadness at the heart of Silent Hoofbeats. The relationship between the men is as desolate and lonely as anything in 'dust bowl' fiction. Yes, this is of course a story of redemption, artfully done, but that melancholy never leaves the reader; this is tribute to memorable prose, and naturally, the talent of the author.

There's barely a stylistic fault here: imagery, dialogue, authenticity - all are present and correct. Each and every part meshes to form a very rich reading experience. Silent Hoofbeats is surely one of the very finest books on Authonomy. :)

BJ, this is fabulous, truly truly fabulous (not a glimmer of authonogush here, I promise). You write so beautifully and effortlessly. I could see, hear, feel, almost taste that first scene - you employ every one of the senses but in a totally nonflashy way. I was virtually willing Joel to mount up, even though I knew it probably wasn't going to happen. Truly this is a lesson on how to write damn good fiction - you show, show, show; you hint at backstory but never dump us in it; you have sympathetic believable characters and oh, best of all, you have horses, horses, horses. Hurry up, get it published and then sell the film rights eh?
You are so totally backed. xx

The best I can say is, "Larry McMurtry move over."
An awesome read. So real. Characters I can know and identify with. And, with Joel, I want to know what was different with that horse that day.
Being a horse-person every aspect is familiar and a picture taken from real life. I felt THERE. I KNOW those people. I've heard them talk like that and act like that and it's all so true.
I have never read finer. A book to keep on the WL till I can get back and finish it.

Two points caught in Ch. 1:
Joel pointed (in) her direction
Hell, when I was younger'an you and that old mare my dad...etc. This sentence is not clear.

This deserves special attention by agents, editors and publishers. It's a winner - a book and a movie. Best of luck with it. I expect to see it on the best seller list. Then I can say, "I read that when..."

You’ve surprised me Barb. Silent Hoofbeats had me all but crying in the first chapter. I think every word you write come onto the page via your heart. I felt Joel's pain as he was saddling the horse and then when he failed, when he sat there on the ground wondering how he would get up, I felt the pain in his heart. And then, his father came along and handled the situation so well I wanted to hug him. I always love the horses right away but now you’ve got me in love with two men and it’s only page 2. Not many books grab me so hard. Many people think watching small children hurt is painful, seeing grown ones hurt when you can’t help is the worst. And all through this emotional pain, you’ve placed me in this 100 year old farmhouse, brushing the red dirt of Oklahoma off my hands and shown me how to saddle a horse. Good grief, I smelled the leather and the cinnamon. And that was just chapter one.
Barb, I read through chapter 2. I like where you are headed with this. It’s a lovely story, which you tell so well. In addition to your strong characters, your phrases are so fresh and you manage weaving the time line back and forth. I spotted a couple small typos, but, to be brutally honest, I didn’t want to take the time to write them down. I’m sure someone else will. I wanted to crawl back into Silent Hoofbeats. I am very pleased to put this on my shelf. I know I’ll see this in Borders.
Caroline
Summer Rose

This is very much a character driven book, focusing on Joel and his inner self and his emotions and reactions. The opening, when Joel tries to force himself back on horseback long before he's really ready, and tries to conquer the pain he still feels, is very striking. Joel's conviction that he should be able to ride any horse, and that there was something wrong with Starbuck on the day he threw Joel, that it wasn't just an accident, comes to the surface gradually as he talks to his parents and thinks about what happened. You bring the accident to life for us by going back to the day when it happened, and showing us every detail. Joel is an interesting, complex character, and one we can relate to. You write well, smoothly and in an easy-to-read style which carries us on, wanting more. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

I like your writing a lot and once it had gripped me I was sad there wasn't more. Which is part of what I wanted to say: It starts to build even interest in the main character very slowly, getting only more interesting when he meets Knight. And then it is just over. Maybe you could start with that bit and then roll it up backwards? I am just pondering. Love the way you are writing. Like a slow river taking inevitably to the sea. Some power you got. Blessings.

I haven't yet finished "Silent Hoofbeats." But the writing is stunning -- character driven; the writing makes me care about Joel and his family and friends. I'm very fussy and particular about how writing is done, in my works and in the works of others. I'm looking forward to reading the rest of the book.

I suspect that everything which should be said has been said about this book. Beautifully written, characters that leap off the page, and truly authentic dialogue, where you can hear the everyday communion of human life in all its many facets. I thought the arguments with Anson particularly good. I loved the line You behave like someone who thinks they can walk on water and are complaining because someone drained the pond. - or words to that effect. Great stuff. Look forward to seeing it in print. Watchlisted ready for backing and maximum starred Jaye

I found my "Fair Critter" comments from nearly a year ago,
I loved this book then and I love it now.
Shelf space as soon as I can.

Silent Hoofbeats
This is a first class read, with a great premise and talented writing. You've portrayed a moving story and written with great sensitively. I emphasied with Joel from the start. Authentic - you can smell and stroke the horse.
I love this
Jenny W

I was drawn in from the beginning -and a good title as well. Sad in parts but it kept my interest throughout the first 3 chapters.
Brainy

Silent Hoofbeats
A well-defined tragedy, filled with real pain, isolation and a struggle to make sense out of what happened as he works toward a new beginning. Having read all chapters presented, because of the author's descriptions and dialogues of time, place and emotion, readers will find themselves immersed into this young man's work. ("tearing his self esteem one pain pill at a time" and other such memorable lines are testimony to this author's ability.) Despite his setbacks, including his father's dark realities that show no sprinkles of hope or resurrection, the boy chooses his own path, regardless of what readers' thoughts may be. I will gladly star and it will be next on my list to place on shelf .
Lenore
Surviving the Seaweed

Your description is fabulous. Your characters are not been erased from my mind. Congratulation for your craftsmanship.

Best wishes,

Joy J. Kaimaparamban
The Wildfire

Maybe I'm too old for all this pain. I've had my share and plenty of Doctor time and talk. Havn't most of us? You write beautifully. You envoke and sustain the mood. I find it too unsettling for an unrelieved long time. That is just me. Your other rave comments are probably more on target. Leila Lee A Wolf In She's Clothing

I love the way you've written this - I really feel for Joel. The description makes everything he does seem real, and of course painful.
Good luck,

dagura
'Rising Seas'

I see no place for comments in Chapter 1 for some reason, but I wanted to say that I loved the ambience created in the opening paragraph, the evocative barn yard images. You have a good start on a story about real manhood. Wish you the best.

I have read this book from beginning to end and thoroughly recommend it.
Great characters, very authentic background and just plain well written!

Excellent writing in Ch 1. The author creates characters that I can really care about. Also, the first paragraph is very visual, and auditory, I can hear the screen door shutting quietly.

"The pasture stood empty, the gate hung open ..." This is very telling writing. Says volumes in few words. Well done. I must back this book for sure.

Silent Hoofbeats: Read the first chapter of this story. Reminds me so much of the stories I used to love as a kid. Heck, I learned to read on those old western novels, horses, ranches, barns, shooting, animals brought to life by a master. Judging from the beginnings, these books have a very wholesome and somehow comforting feeling to them. The feeling is that of campfires, cowpies and rugged men and boys. I love this.

Will be backed, of course, as soon as I can back it.

Well written. Sad. Happy to back.... one small nitpick, Maybe change 'Vicodin was dulling the pain' to 'Vicodin dulled the pain' - gets rid of the passive 'was'... Cheers, Jennifer

P.S. Great title!
Patricia West Hays

This is a well-written piece. The reader is drawn in from the beginning. The characters are well-drawn and the dialogue rings true. I congratulate you on this work - and I look forward to reading more. Your knowledge of horses - and your knowledge of pain and recovery come through very strongly. I like this character and his family and I will come back to read more about them. The very best to you.

Patricia West Hays
The Witness Tree

If you have time, could you take a look at my book? A different kind of story, but one you might enjoy. I would appreciate any comment you would care to make - if you do. Thanks.

Elegant and honest prose. Finely wrought without pressing too hard the writing lends credence to realness of it's characters. The dialogue is flawless and pain and struggle of young Joel and his mother and father transcends their exchanges because of it.

Simply superb.

You have finely crafted a most compelling and heart warming storyline and your crisp, well written dialogue keeps the pace of your story flowing nicely. Your character development of Joel is excellent as is your use of imagery. All of this coupled with your descriptive writing style makes your work a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Having a lifelong love of horses and also coming close to ending up crippled after a riding accident (I broke my back). The premise of this novel holds a special meaning for me. I think you have approached it with sensitivity and talent. Backed.

Chase

This is a winner. Joel is complex and sympatethic. Your imagery is stunning. For example, your opening paragraphs. Not only can I see the scene, I can feel and hear it as well. You use your narrative masterfully to convey feelings, thoughts and motives. And you enrich that narrative with apt similies such as 'like pages in a scrapbook.' Your conversations flow naturally and inform. Your leisurely pacing is spot on for my tastes. This is expertly-crafted, engaging western fiction. Backed.

Hi B.J., A sad story of a man with dreams that suddenly fell to despair because of an injury. I like what I have read and I BACK the book. Harold Alvin(ICON)Wesley

The deal is for an open and honest crit, so let's get started. I understand where you're going with this story and I think it will be a good, strong read. It just needs a bit of cleaning up. I have multiple suggestions for you. Feel free to ignore them, as I'm not a professional and am just trying to help.

Everything I’ve read said do NOT start the book with weather. You want something that will right away make your reader sit up and take notice, and weather is not it. To be honest, I’d start the story with a brief replay of what happened to him. Or something with action that makes me ask questions. I’ve read the first couple paragraphs and already know that three months ago he was in a horse roll-over and he’s in pain and the day is dark and the place is quiet and deserted except for the horses and the cats. The question is, will that be enough to keep your readers reading?

He was only twenty but his body felt sixty. Don’t tell me things like that. Show me and let me figure it out for myself. Which you do in the next paragraph– His hip and back were sore as he limped to a stall … That’s all you need to say.

In past times – this paragraph is weighted down with details of his past. A whole lot of telling about a character I haven’t even related to yet.

The right side of his chest had throbbed all night and he tried to hold his focus there, breathing slowly and deeply, willing the pain to ease up just long enough for him to saddle this horse, get up and ride her if only once around the pasture and then he’d know he could still do it after the accident and that going back to the rodeo was an honest possibility. That was seriously one sentence. I feel like headed from lack of oxygen, just reading it. I’d suggest … The right side of his chest had throbbed all night and he tried to hold his focus there, breathing slowly and deeply. If the pain could ease up long enough for him to saddle this horse, he only needed one lap around the pasture to prove to himself he could ride again. Saying more is spoon-feeding your readers and insulting their intelligence.

You have several really long sentences. I’d look at each chapter individually and cut them apart with “what is told, what is shown, and what is inferred.” Get rid of most of the telling stuff and stick with what is shown and then what is inferred. Your readers will love you if you show them what should be seen and just hint to the rest. Let them figure it out for themselves.

The paragraph beginning with “Outside the rear door …” seems random. He’s in serious pain and he’s going to be admiring the scene outside?

Then the chapter right after that starts with “When it was easier …” When what? You were just talking about the scenery. If you’re going to do the random asides, you have to ground your readers so they know what you’re talking about now. Maybe something like … When the pain subsided …

“The old lab took chase and …” What old lab? Did I totally miss a previous mention of a dog?

I thought he’d mounted Shelby the first time. You don’t say he didn’t. I imagined him sitting on her with his forehead on her neck, to the side of her mane.

I am tempted to say something about the unrealistic behavior here – a man who can barely walk trying to ride a horse – but I grew up around cowboys. There’s no doubt in my mind that they’d try this very thing.

Seeing his dad there, brought something else to mind. Where was his dad at the beginning? Farms/ranches are never quiet in the morning. There’s always stuff going on. Tractors being ran, fences being repaired, livestock being fed. Just seems odd.

“Do I need to spell it out for you again?” his father asks, and then promptly begins spelling it out. Old cowboys aren’t like that. They don’t “chat”. I imagine if he says that, his son will say, “No, dad.” The listing of his injuries by his father here does not sound natural.

That was as far as I got because my son is begging me to take him out to ride his bike. I think you’ve got a worthy story here, you just need to reread it aloud and make sure your paragraphs are doing what you want them to.

Amanda

I loved your other book and I love this as well. Beautifully written. E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one

great start and quality writing, backed John Warren Lasting Images, please review jdub

Backed
Splinker
B.D.S.T.

Barb, I like the background you're writing around Joel and the restrained way you write. I'm always happy to read books about horses and will follow yours further. Backed, Ann Mynard (Windshadow)

I like your descriptions, I like the way you set the scene, and I like the restrained dialect you use for the dialog. You let the story and characters develop together. The one criticism I have is that every now and then you let a number of sentences in a row begin with a pronoun, which causes a lot of sameness. Regardless, this is worthy of backing.
Craig
The Job

What a triumph.

It was so easy to read. One just wanted to go on and on with it.

Wonderful characterisation. Beautiful prose. A sure-fire winner.

Many congratulations.

Charles

Hi BJ, this is impressive, capturing the emotions of the men so clearly, the time and place vividly. I am envious of your skill! Backed of course.

Agneta :)

BJ have backed your book with enthusiasm. As an experienced rodeo fan from the eyars I lived in Far North Queensland I can feel the frenzy and the atmosphere in your writing. Excellent - am sure you should write another! Balepy (Freckles the Fawn)

What's happened to your email? It keeps coming back as undeliverable or rts?

Dear B.J., I love literary fiction because I know it's based on fact, so probably really happened. Your story is a good read because you create interest by having short paragraphs (you may want to cut the longer ones into 2 or more for an easier read) & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing/commenting on your book to help it advance. Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to back/comment on my TWO books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & the unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories." Thanks, Susie :)

Hi. I found this by accident. naturaaly i assumed it was about horses. but its so much more about the people. Joel is stunningly drawn. Completely credible and his pain screams out of the page. I'm astonished at the clarity of his suffering and indeed his reluctance to accept help.Watching the computer replay of the accident is so powerful and the unexpected twist of the horse. Joel feels vindicated and of course so has the readers sympathy.
I'm watchlisting this.

Micheal O'Durcain
Murder on the Menu.

Wonderfully descriptive narrative - 'paints the picture' (as others have said). I personally find that books that can create a 'real world' (fictional or otherwise) in the reader's mind are over half way to a great story with only a decent plot and interesting charatcers needed to complete a masterpiece. The reader can 'wallow' around in the backdrop and almost 'observe' the story as it unfolds. A strong 'believeability' also has the reader wanting to return to the book, like going back to a favorite holiday destination - so your story is definitely onto a winner.

One thing that struck me was your use, in the very first line, of 'A coming day'. Maybe it's a language differential thing but it had me immediately thinking of a multitude of 'coming days' waiting just over the horizon, jostling to be the one that races into view behind the sunrise. Surely, as it was already dawn, it would be 'THE coming day'? Just a thought - it hardly detracts from what is otherwise a great read. Backed

Mark Ashley (SEIZURES & FATAL INNOCENCE)

The plot is well constructed with a storyline that will interest readers because of the rodeo perspective and the horse interactions. An increased emphasis on "drawing a picture" of the characters' physical appearances might move readers more easily into the plot. A look in the mirror, a glance out the window at the horse, all might be considered. Thanks for sharing a work that obviously has a great future in the marketplace. Backed. Chuck (Paperboy Adventures)

"...was gradually lifting away..." To fit with the rest of the sentence: "...gradually lifted away..."

This is very moody, atmospheric writing and the pacing is slow and easy, building to a climax that satisfies. The writing is good and the story compelling.

JMC

What a good read BJ! The setting of this book is a s foreign to me as if it were on another planet, but you drew me in none the less. In my opinion, you have created a perfect balance between the descriptions, and the story itself, allowing important details to be revealed as much by the characters words, as by their actions and reactions.

There are some excellent hooks as well, the fact that the horse reacted so oddly, 'You Lose Cowboy", and the fact that a copy is up on youtube. What will will he see when he finally gets the courage to watch it?

Damn, I want a horse now :-)

Well done;

Bob

Great pitch. I'll add this to my watch list.

JMC

I am sure I backed Silent Hoofbeats earlier, in February. But as it has been revised, I thought it best to take another look. Yes, it was good when I first read a few chapters, and now I can honestly say, this is very, very good. I wish you all the best BJ. Backed yesterday, but late again with my comments.
Norman.

The pasture stood empty and the old timbered barn stood quiet. It seems like stood is being used to replace "was" here. I think you might want to look for other ways to show these things? The opening had a great feel for it overall though. I think I would have liked something like this when I was younger--not because of the age, but because of what I was interested in then. I can see this having a wide target audience.
I think you should consider: So far, so good--Vicodin... because it feels odd to me separating the so far, so good into two sentences. See what you think you. I think that comment about the Vicodin was really interesting though. a bit of a hook in there.
Jumping back a bit, I really loved the red Oklahoma dirt comment. Great way to show setting and I thought the description itself was evocative.
Consider: Pain surged through his hip and back as he limped... (intead of "were sore") I feel this makes the pain more immediate to the reader.
I think it's great how you show with the opening what has happened before and how the character is someone who is willing to try again but also showing that he is not infallable. This makes him a likable character, IMO.
In chapter 2 I think you want "the doctor said." instead of "The doctor said." (the lowercase, I mean.) I have a blog post on this, actually. rebecca-hamilton.com
The doctors scene felt a little long to me, but I think it's all a matter of target audience. This is listed as literary, which I understand to be more of a slower-paced style and character driven. So what you have probably works great for the genre.
I think you handled the emotion at the end of chapter 3 excellently!
Sorry it took me so long to get back to this for you. I started reading a while ago and then I had internet issues. (I wanted to read a few chapters before commenting :P) I hope you don't mind my suggestions. Take what you like and ignore the rest. Overall I thought it was very well written. I'm watchlisting it and will back it on my next shelf rotation.
xBeccaX
The First Phoenix

I handn't realised that this had been revised. A good book is now even better. Shelved.

We need more cowboy/horse novels. And a lot more as good as this one. Your scenes read authentically. Your characters are sympathetic because they're all so lonely before they meet each other. Really, really liked this. It's a good read. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

This is a first class read, there is nothing to dislike. A fantastic premise and talented writing. This is a moving story and written so sensitively that the reader is already empathising with Joel from the start. It has a beautiful approach and is so authentic you are in there reaching out for Joel and smelling and stroking the horse. The reader is wanting the Dad to sympathise but not to over do it.

A superb book that I would buy with pleasure, and the cover is so appropriate.

Backed,

Lisa

Backed

I am really taken by this book. I've read the first chapter and have got into the 2nd. Your descriptive detail of saddling the horse amidst pain, could almost describe a real injury that you may have experienced. The thoughts about a change of career is never easy; often quite painful. I have been the recipient of each of these. You may want to submit to Hartline Agency. There is an older man there that deals exclusively with western Christian novels. He liked my book, but it was not about the west or cowboys so he declined. You have the makings of a good story here. Backed your book with pleasure.
--author of December Gold

I loved this kind of book as a kid, and (although generated for a much older audience) this one is not disappointing! Joel is a wonderful character and your descriptions are irrevocable. Backed with pleasure!

Brittany
My Last Notes

The start was a little slow and overwritten. The extreme descriptive detail made it feel melodramatic and somewhat like a Romance novel, of the heaving bosom/glistening chest kind.

He was 26 but he felt 60 - how could he possibly know what 60 feels like? This reads like the narrator stepping inand making a judgement call on behalf of the character. Possibly its how he imagined it would feel to be sixty, but that's not what you're saying.

The effect of all the description at the start isn't to make the setting feel real and immediate, it just slows down the pace, imo. The emphasis is too much on what things look like and not enough on what he is doing. Actions will reveal all aspects of character. You don't have to tell us he used to find it easy to saddle a horse and all that hoofbeat to heartbeat stuff, as much as you may enjoy writing it. Him struggling to put the saddle on tells us everything we need to know. The colour of the sky and the wetness of the dew is just a distraction.

The saddle, the horse running off, the conversation with his dad, all that is a perfectly fine scene buried under unnecessary adjectives, imo.

You get across the details of how the accident happened with Dad getting angry and repeating it back to him as a warning/reminder and that works fine. As a writer i recognise you slipping it in, but as a reader it feels naturally done.

What wasn't so smoothly done was his then flashback to the day of the rodeo. It was an okay scene but in the same chapter as Dad's recounting of events it felt like too much. And afterwards the rest of the chapter seems to meander around breakfast, going over the same ground and only really becoming of interest when he insists it wasn't an accident. That would seem to be an indication of where the story is going (or at least one of the places), the rest of the kitchen scene felt bogged down again.

Obviously I'm just expressing my personal opinion, based on a very small sample, so please feel free to ignore. My overall feeling was that there's a lot of good stuff here, but somewhat overwhelmed with unnecessary details and lillac (if not actually purple) prose.

Best of luck with it.

regards
mood

Standard disclaimer: These are my opinions and you're welcome to use or toss what you like. I ordinarily wouldn't read a story like this, but I promised a critique for you and it's a critique you'll get.


Chapter 1

- "The grass glistened with dew and when he met the barn lot, red Oklahoma dirt clung to the moist toe of his sneaker and the rubber tips of the crutches." - Split this sentence into two. You're trying to cram too much into one sentence.

- "The newly healed fracture in his left foot was tender so he held it off the ground." - Need a comma after after "tender". However, this line is a bit too telling. Why not give us some imagery? Show us that it's sensitive instead of just saying it.

- Before I continue further into your chapter, I wanted to note one thing. Thus far, I'm not finding myself very interested in what's going on. Your first paragraph is one of the most important in the novel and with the flaws I've found in it, along with the fact that it's not telling me much... well, if I wasn't doing a critique on this I'd probably have stopped reading. However, the purpose here is to help you improve, so I'm continuing on. :)

- "So far. So good--Vicodin was dulling the screams." - What screams? Joel's? The voices in Joel's head? The horses? Some random dude locked in the barn? Also, this should be a comma rather than a period. "So far, so good."

- OK, three paragraphs in and I'm noticing you have quite a few run-on sentences. Don't be scared to use punctuation. Commas, semi-colons and periods, amongst others, are your friends.

- "Shelby wasn't a tall horse but to mount her" - You have a lot of missing punctuation and, in some places, too much. This is a case of a missing comma. Place a comma after "horse" and after "her". So, it would be: "Shelby wasn't a tall horse, but to mount her,"

- Honestly, with all of the injuries he's sustained and still healing from, I highly doubt he'd even be able to pick up the saddle, let alone mount the horse. Even if his life depended on it. First of all, vicodin makes most people so loopy they can barely function right. Second, it's still not nearly strong enough to buffer the pain that he'd be feeling from all this straining. Lastly, he's more than likely going to hurt himself again with all of this strain on his body. It's clearly not ready yet. So, overall, I find this chapter more unbelievable than believable so far.

- "each one more hateful than the last" - Hateful is a bad word choice here. How can breath be hateful? When in doubt, use a thesaurus.

- "Still breathing hard, Joel felt his father standing beside and above him." - This is a very passive line. Try something like, "Joel still fought to calm his heart as his father walked up and stood beside him."

- "Anson stood up and offered his hand and Joel took it," - Too many "and"s in this sentence. Also, it's far too plain. There's no imagery. You're just telling us everything he's doing. "Joel walked. Joel fell. Joel jumped. Joel laughed. Joel played." It's the same sort of line over and over. Describe more than what he's doing; show the reader how his body reacts, what he's feeling, how he interacts with the world around him, etc.

- Further down the chapter; the imagery has improved and you're describing things a it better. I'm seeing a lack in consistency, though.

- "that had caused hito" - This should be "it to"

- The dialogue is good. I can really see the bond between father and son. It's definitely realistic.


Okay, that's it. Considering all I found wrong in the first chapter, I'm going to stop there. I would definitely recommend taking another look at it and work on smoothing things out.

I hope this helps you out. Best of luck,

-Ron

Per invitation of Victoria Secret, I am so fortunate to read your book. By reading the pitch and seeing the picture of the book's cover I know right away that your book will be successful. I read only the first 2 chapters as I have to move on to help others books, but I will come back to read more. Your book is ready to be published. Fabulous, fantastic, and beautifully written. A look at Bamboo Promise, in return if you have the time. Thanks

First class writing BJ. Scenes and characters that stay in the memory. Very moving and backed with pleasure.

Anthony - Wrong Place Wrong Time