Mute

Hello Brian,
This review is based on a read on the prologue and first three chapters.

First off, I need to say that my limited reading of crime and mystery books tends towards gentle, English country house who-dunnits, so I am clearly not your target audience. However, I hope my comments are helpful and don't come across as too critical.

Your writing is accomplished and reads much like a published book, and you seem to have an interesting plot starting here (I haven't read enough to comment too much on the plot), so my comments are mainly on the characters and some minor niggles. I do like plots with an environmental theme, though.

The location and plot were vaguely reminiscent of something else I have read. It might have been Carl Hiaasen, or someone like that. So it has a bit of a "been done before" feel to it. This may not be a problem, I always think that a writer with a new voice can take an old plot and bring something new and special to it.

You have a way of writing so that we are seeing things from a character's point of view, hearing their internal voice and getting into their head, which works well.

However, I felt that your warts-and-all treatment of some of the characters (especially Kane and Sneed) may have been overdone. I took an instant dislike to both of them, which perhaps was your intention, but at the same time they didn't seem quite like real people, more a collection of (what seemed to me to be) ugly traits.

Your characters are very close to stereotypes that we see on US TV shows - the red-neck out fishing, the gender- and colour-prejudiced cop, the formerly-abused mixed-race female detective, etc. I'm not from the US so I wouldn't know if Americans are really like that, if so, than ignore my comment.

I felt for the little girl and I really hope she doesn't turn out to be evil, that would ruin the whole book for me, I think.

Some minor comments:

Prologue:
Kane noted that their limbs were stiff - can you tell that by looking?
"pale as mannequins" seems to then be contradicted by "brown-skinned people"
"bodies splayed out" is then contradicted by "in a partial embrace"
"little illegal immigrant" - how would he know this?

Chapter 1:
"shattered like a tray of glasses on the club floor" - the metaphor suggests she is a frequent club-goer, if not, change it.
"I promise that I won't let anybody hurt you, ever" - my opinion of Moni immediately drops as she makes a false promise that she obviously cannot keep. Suggest to delete the "ever" at least.

Chapter 2:
"if I could crack this case" - odd turn of phrase for a student thinking about a making a scientific breakthrough.
"phenomenon" should be plural: "phenomena"

Overall, it reads fluently and should do well.

Fiona Haven
Falling Upwards

Mute

Well, I have read four chapters and what can I say except that your story is written impeccably. As it is a murder mystery, my mind is trying really hard to figure it out. It always does it when there is a mystery involved. So, this is what I think: the killer is a turtle. It could be a manatee possibly because the girl, Mariella has drawn one; manatee that normally are harmless could be changed by the chemicals introduced into lagoon. Or possibly it is a turtle, because of the strange disease they got and the strength the turtle possessed to get out of the boat. I heard of huge snap turtles that would easily take out person’s head and suck out its insides… Well, you are probably laughing at my attempt in solving it… I also wonder if Mariella holds supernatural powers: that incident with the snake in the beginning has me puzzled… It certainly does have X-File appeal and I watched many episodes until Fox Molder was replaced by another actor: was really into it. I definitely applaud you on making your story exciting.

Nice phrase: “[Girl’s eyes] focused on Moni as intently as the gaze of the crippled angel searching for the ladder back to heaven.”

Thank you for sharing your story,
Alexandra Mahanaim
Return to Eternity
Love story—symbolic approach to creation

Brian
What can I add except that I enjoyed the first chapter so much I had to carry on reading past my usual mark. Great stuff. Nothing I would alter. I guess you don't need my feed back but I for one thoroughly enjoyed reading this even though criminal stories are not usually for me.
Well done my friend.
Brian. Mary's Magic Muffins & Other Tales for Children.

Going to the top with this one!

Cheers!
JC

Hi Brian,
I've never been one for fishing, but your prologue was written in a way that made me feel as though I were standing on the waters edge, watching. The dialouge is well written and the narration flows well.
The find of the murdered bodies seemed somehow relaxed though. The things he was thinking as he approached the bodies seemed off, yet still believable for the character. The tension at the police dept had me nodding my head. I liked it. I already feel for the little girl and wonder how the story will play out for her, the poor thing is scared to death and watched her parents murdered... I want to know more about her.
I think Moni is strong, but what's with her resistence to put her boyfriend in his place? She seems to me as though she wouldn't hesitate to do that.
I don't know that you are still looking for comments on your story, just thought I'd add my two cents :) Thanks for writing.
Jennie

I just read the first chapter and thought it was fantastic. You created a highly detailed setting description immediately and created a real sense of tension between the girl and Kane. I thought the touch of the unicorn on the girl's shoe was excellent, it was an image that stayed in my mind.

Hi Brian, primo story-telling. high starred. asolutely no nitpciks with the text, whether micro or macro. anyway, it's published - no edits required. ;)

here's a very minor thought re your pitch, which you might be sendng out to agents.

--Mute follows detective ...--

maybe just start with 'Detective M W is recovering from child abuse ...'

very best wishes, andy

Excellent writing. Good dialogue. Interesting and original premise.
HIGH STARS!

Trenor
-The Lords of Invention

Brian. I was very interested in looking at this and I think it may have been the title that got me into it. There is some really good writing here and a very interesting premise. A bit grim in the murder department, but very well written. Not my genre by a long way but so impressed with it. I can see this doing well as due to the great narrative you really cant go wrong with it. Well done.
Sean Connolly British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

"...left a bitter stain on his mind ..." NICE!
Great mechanics and the language has that tang of the Florida swampland just right. Nothing to add I'm truly impressed.
I'll see you again next week when I will read and comment on at least two more chapters.

Hi Brian - Comments on "Mute"

You have a very interesting story going here. It has a little bit of everything. We have a serial killer who has killed four people, including the parents of a little girl, who managed to escape. We have racial tension and bias at the police department and a little girl who is only viewed as a witness to the murder of her parents. The police want to know what she knows so they can stop the serial killer and they show very little regard for the girl or her trauma. Police Officer Monique, a specialist in working with children, is brought into the case. She immediately connects with the girl and becomes her biggest champion and protector. The murders are especially gruesome because the killer cuts his victim's head, completely and cleanly off, leaving a headless corpse.

I have left you some nit-pics in a separate message, just one nit-pic here - hardly worth mentioning - In the Prologue when Kane sees the man and woman dead on the shore, he describes them as "two sorry fellas". I always thought of a fella as a guy.

A suggestion, you might want to think about making the prologue your first chapter as it has dialogue and action in it and leads up to the police being called. All subjective and your call.

I will continue reading with interest. Stars for now.

Sneaky
"Trophy Wives"

This leaves a spicy taste in my mouth. Virtually do to the fact that I love it! I think mute in a lot of ways brings me back to the X-Files. Its been years since I've watched a good episode. There's so much foreshadowing and detail that I am well intrigued by the way you write. The supernatural, The paranormal, The science fiction! IN LOVE! High stars!

Best Of Wishes
A.D. Reid

Mute

Hi Brian

I hope I looked at the right one. Please understand that I don't do ingratiating blather, there's enough of this site that do. But you need to know that what I read I liked, generally pacy, clear and with a distinctive enough narrative voice to be engaging but not intrusive. The Floridian colloquialisms worked well, for me at least, as a Brit, they invoked the culture and the landscape well.

It was a good start, you set the scene well. This has been well-edited and it read smoothly, you seem to have been ruthless already and have slain your darlings before I could get to them. I notice a few flowery flourishes in places and whilst they are clearly lovingly constructed I'm not sure they added anything to what was a clear and confident narrative. For example when we first meet Moni and she is reflecting on the tragedy of murder you use the simile of a lot of broken glass on a tray, evocative and strong but I would argue too poetic for what is a strong business-like style.

You are a talented and clever writer, prolific too. I was impressed with what I read and will be backing it soon, not something I do for everything I read by any means. Great style, strong writing, good plotting. A question, these characters you flesh out in the first chapter, the fisherman and the Watcher, do they feature again later in the book because I think they need to to justify the descriptive time leant to them, I have a hunch that they do.

Best wishes, great stuff, good luck

Andrew W

Nice, as a fellow Floridian (I'm from the Panhandle: Fort Walton Beach, FL) , you brought back some memories for me (I've been in Denver awhile). You brought back memories of small ponds with aligators eating the small neighborhood dogs. The folks who really arent from Florida, but now claim Florida as thier home, and the real down home Floridians, some would call rednecks, those people who believe color of skin is very important. I remember fishing on the pier on the gulf, and watching Manatee, and dolphins swiming down the gulf.
This is good stuff, I can relate, I felt at home. Moving on to chapter 3.

Great stuff! Very compelling, it really draws you in, especially with its tendency to conjure vivid scenes and images within the reader's mind.

This is fabulous and I can't find any fault with it at all. 6 stars!!

This is incredibly well written; fluid, intriguing, hypnotic even. I am not into fishing at all, yet this truly held my attention from the fist line. The way the bodies were found, the natural way of describing the minutes leading to it; brilliant. I haven't read your bio yet but I would be very, very surprised if you haven't been published. This is a class act!
Andrea

Some interesting concepts and directions on display here that are not usually to be seen in the science fiction genre. It indicates the author is striving for a brand of uniqueness and individuality which is to be applauded when so many new writers slavishly follow what they perceive to be the template driven gold plated path. Highly starred.

Clive Radford
Doghouse Blues

Some interesting concepts and directions on display here that are not usually to be seen in the science fiction genre. It indicates the author is striving for a brand of uniqueness and individuality which is to be applauded when so many new writers slavishly follow what they perceive to be the template driven gold plated path. Highly starred.

Clive Radford
Doghouse Blues

Dear Brian, I read the first nine chapters of Mute. I have only one word to say...Bravo! You have a unique concept...mingling science fiction with unnatural murders, and introducing a theme of child abuse, racial stereotype and psychology on the side. My favorite character is Monique-she is decent, intelligent, capable and hard-working...so we sympathize with her because of the way she has been treated...but we also want her to get a backbone and get rid of her father and her abusive boyfriend.Mariella is equally mysterious...and we deplore Sneed even as we come to know how his brother died.All you need is some editing...eg. Its iron 'deficiency' anemia, and it would read better if you don't use 'exposure' there...we do not get exposed to anemia...we are afflicted by it.
Overall, interesting read, and I hope this book does well.Love,Percy. 6 stars

This one is really good; six stars and I'll be back tomorrow (it's already 1.30 am here). I'm not sure from what you say on your profile if you're still aiming for the ED or if you're no longer interested because the bok has been published.

You've got some absolutely hilarious turns of phrase that do a lot to characterize Kane; particularly, “nut-hugging shorts” and “an ass that must have been mighty sweet when it had blood pumping through it.” --these both give some needed comedy to a somewhat gruesome narrative occasion while providing insight into your character.

I wonder that Kane would think first to move them and only later to call the cops—it seems to me the most immediate reaction, even from someone with little respect for rules, would maybe be to think they shouldn't touch a murdered body, and should instead call for help. Also the business with the shoe—would he actually pick it up? If he plays poker with a detective, surely he's heard bitchings about murder scenes being tampered with? (I might be more in tune to this stuff since I live with a cop, so take this with a grain of salt. It just stands out to me.)

Most of this writing is very clean, so the few instances that tripped me up stood out. This one: “He coughed a cup of stomach acid into his mouth.” Can the human mouth hold a cup of liquid without it either going out or down? Mine can't. Seemed a bit awkward.

Interesting that the girl is labeled “illegal immigrant”--I assume by Kane, since this POV is strictly him at this point, but there's enough narrative distance from Kane that I wonder if it's omniscient authorial intrusion. Is the girl actually an illegal immigrant, or is Kane assuming she is? It should be Kane assuming she is, but in other instances, you've pointed out his assumptions rather than stating them as fact in the story. (e.g., “after seeing somebody murder her parents.... he reckoned”) Kind of sticks out here.

Love the snippet about his daughter ordering him around.

The only other suggestion I have is that Kane's internal monologue seemed a bit too pronounced in its redneck bent. I think you can get across that he's a redneck without using things like “fer” and “fix'n” and things like that; it almost distracts from the narrative.

I just read your profile and see that this book is published for Kindle, so it's quite possible you aren't looking for constructive feedback anymore. If you want more, please do let me know, and I'll continue on. Thanks!

J

Hi Brian,

This is an intense, thrilling masterpiece I enjoyed reading. I find Kane likable despite his roughness. I think that makes him a good, believable character. I really loved the prologue and first chapters, I think you started off very strong. I think it's the one of the best murder novels I've read.

Your descriptions are direct, concise, and your dialogue natural. I found it easy to picture the scenes in my head because of your beautiful narration. I could easily tell that you've spent a lot of time polishing this one and for that, great job. It's not an easy thing to do.

It's intense, there's great suspense build up, the entire concept a clever one. It has all the elements of a good crime/mystery novel. For these reasons, I give you 6 stars! All yours, Brian!

I wish you all the best and keep up the good work!

D
LEO & ROVER: THE PURPLE MARBLE ADVENTURES

nanobot review

based on the prologue i feel you have a knack for characterization, though i'm curious why a bible-thumper would have been named kane by what i'd assume were bible-thumping parents. other than that, you've got an introductory character that feels real and is probably manifested in more than a few living examples in florida alone.

in chapter one you expand upon the setting by introducing moni and what appears to be a severely racist herd of police officers. i did like the professionalism displayed by monique while she was limiting her disapproval for her co-worker's ignorant comments, but by the end of the chapter i'm wondering if the overt racism is starting to get a little stale.

what i mean in that is so far (and not that a prologue and a chapter are a majority) virtually all introduced characters described as being white are vocally discriminant, with the exception of the scientist. when we're introduced to the only character in chapter one that defends moni's intentions for the child, she also happens to be a black woman. it makes me curious to know if moni's father was white, too. don't get me wrong, it's not as if the situation you've described is unlikely or completely out of the question, especially in a state that hosted the deplorable events in rosewood earlier in the 20th century, but it would surprise me to learn in the course of the novel that there are no gray areas or at least characters that don't fall into a predictable pattern.

other than this worry, i had no problem with the story being told. i do think some of moni's spoken dialogue is a bit rough in that it sounds like she's not as experienced in resolving methods between hers and the less compassionate skillings. it just read a little different from what i would have expected because you described a pretty sharp mind earlier when you revealed moni had helped to solve other cases by employing her skills in coersion.

and with that, you're still left with a harsh and engaging murder mystery, all set in an environment dangerous even when alone. i think this can be a great story and will be glad to see how it turns out.

Club Nanobots Review

The setting for this murder is a great one - the mangroves of Florida. I also like the tone the narrator takes - it indirectly adds characterization to the MC. Your description of the dead bodies was chilling - well done. The mysteriousness of the little girl definitely acts as a hooking point, making the reader want to dive into the story to find out who she is.

Well done.

Ryan
Majestic Shadows: The Pillar of Smoke

Nanobots review
This, for an opening chapter, is masterfully done. We meet the somewhat (!) redneck Kane, are immediately drawn into his view on the world through his reactions and interactions with the Watcher - and although he's not the most likeable chap, you certainly get us inside his head. And then we have his discovery of the bodies, ramping up the tension and action. Great stuff. My only little nitpick here is that he can clearly see the bodies (enough to evaluate the woman's rear), yet he only spots the fact of missing heads once he turns her over. It confused me a bit, enough to have to re-read. Maybe that's just me, though.
I particularly like the ending of the chapter - Kane getting that strange feeling that the little girl was hiding behind the snake. Just a discreet touch that let's us know something more might be going on here - specially if we hadn't read the pitch.
The prose is absolutely effortless. A great read, highly enjoyed it.

I like your opening. It is very direct yet descriptive at the same time. I feel like there's some nice tension when Kane is going to look for the girl. I like openings that end with you wanting to know more and you did a good job with that. I also liked the way you worked in information about the other murders without making it an info dump. I worry that I am not so great with that. I see you've already been published! Congratulations! I may have to add this book to my collection!
Kevin Simmons
The Smiling Lady

Club Nanobots Review

It doesn’t feel all that long ago that I read this, I still have a clear memory of it. But the comment tag says 100 days.
I won’t attempt to critique it again now, especially as it’s already out there and published, which it clearly deserves to be.
All the best for promoting it and getting in front of readers.

Maurice

Nanobots Review

I read this book 288 days ago :) I remembered it as soon as I read the first line. The writing is very crisp and descriptive - I still have pictures of the fisherman trying to find the girl in the underbrush almost a year later and I haven't re-read this - headless bodies lying in the Bayou ... still works!! Well done, Brian:)

Rob

Brian,

I've read the first few chapters of Mute. What can I say? Your're published already and that's obvious from the polished presentation. It's a murder mystery that veers towards the eery rather than conventional, more x-files than Perry Mason. Your writing flows well and is easy to read, the descriptions connecting us well with the world you have imagined. Even the regional styled dialogue works for me here and I'm not usually a fan. From time to time I notice a touch of almost Raymond Chandleresqueness (is that a word?):

The man and woman weren't coming up for air... Great!

I don't feel that there's anything I can really add constructively. I think Mute is there already. As to some of the past comments about the white officers being cliched etc, I think that's the point of this sort of story - good entertainment is always a characature of real life, that's the mechanism through which the points are made (look at The Godfather!).

I've given you full stars. Are you trying to make the Editor's desk? If you are I'll happily put Mute on my rotation schedule. I only ask since you're published already and if you're not worried about the editor's desk I can use the slot for someone else. Let me know!

Best regards,

Robert

Club Nanobots Review--
Chapter 1
I love the very last line--'No day will ever be worse for you than this'

'...steared his gaze on her...' -- awkward phrasing

After the sentence 'The girl cowered...black hair' you begin the next sentence with the pronoun 'She' but referring to Moni. You can't do this when the previous sentence's subject was the girl rather than Moni.

'...have protected mom.' -- 'Mom' must be capitalized when used in this form.

'...barely stand much less...' -- needs a comma after 'stand'

'...gotta do, I want me some leads' -- change the comma to a semicolon

While just as well written as the prologue, this chapter's one issue for me was that the 'white' officers all seem a tad cliche in their idiocy. Any way to give them a tad more depth?

Club Nanobots Review--
Prologue:
I don't really notice any changes from when I reviewed this previously. I still enjoy your style of storytelling; it's vivid and fun, even if I couldn't personally relate to the POV character in the prologue. He's pretty much the opposite of me! Probably all of my nitpick notes are the same from last time:

'shook his head in short spurts' -- I just can't associate the word 'spurts' with shaking a head

'absent of any funeral parlor...' -- I'd cut the 'of'

'those looked like...' -- I'd use 'these' instead of 'those'

'Those tracks didn't go far' -- I'd use 'The' instead of 'those'

I still don't get the stretch marks on her back indicating having a kid, as I've only ever seen stretch marks on stomachs

Probably the single biggest issue that kept hitting me while reading was the overuse of the name 'Kane'. I know it's tough to vary things up with pretty much only pronouns, but if you read through your text aloud I think you'll see how the use of Kane starts jarring given how often it is used, sometimes several times within a single paragraph.

I hope my little crits don't seem too nitpicky, because overall this is one of the more enjoyable reads I have found here!

Club Nanobots Review Chapter One
Howdy Brian i love fluid style of writing. The first chapter def draws me in and leaves me wanting more.
Abbie Lee Wallace
Medically Mystifying

Club Nanobots

Mute
By: Brian Bandell

Your story idea is great. You use the swamps of Florida as your starting point and from there we are taken to a point where bodies are found, a young girl is discovered as a survivor, and an old man who ends having his normal day interrupted. Then we are introduced to Moni who wants to protect the child. And then there are the manatees and gators. What are all those tumors on them? We will have to read and see.
Still a great read! High Stars!
Sara Stinson
Finger Bones

I have no idea where this is heading (which is a good thing), but it is good writing.

Club nanobots criticque: Hi - I like your writing, simple and clear but littered with nice touches. Sneed's "So sweet talk her, buy her a fucking pony .... " things like this work neat. One moan would be I get tired of most cops in books coming across as assholes, it gets cliche. Skillings is on the lower rung of Neanderthal and that could get annoying if she figures prominently, Sneed, however, is saved by the lines you give him that at least lend him the promise of intelligence. Prologue great, first chapter perhaps a touch too long stretched as it is with the likes of Skillings. OK, headless corpses, a witness, let's crack the whip and get the story moving. Overall a neat start, can't wait for the man-eating tumoured manatees. Roy.

Nanobots Review
Not sure why but your Prologue does not load and gives me a sorry error. I did read it and your chapter 1 but could not go back to the Prologue or Intro chapter.

A good story and well written. Pulls the reader in almost immediately.
Prologue:
I do question the difference in the way you use the colloquialism "fix 'n". Maybe in Florida it can mean a yearning or hankering for something to eat but in Texas it means getting ready or planning to or on the way to doing something, some task. - Just an interesting thought. I've never heard it used the way you have used it.

We immediately take a dislike to the kind of person Kane is but not so much a dislike of him. He obviously is not a total waste as he does try to help the little girl.

Hooking a fish that swims right up along the bank so the boat can troll along is somewhat of a task. I'd not believe that any fish would do this unless there is something mysterious or abnormal about this fish. Makes me think that it is not a fish but some other creature. We don't get to see since the action is interrupted by the bodies and the line is cut.

You have a trend to reach a bit to find a new and inventive way to describe a thing or action. Maybe you are trying to avoid the cliche which is a good thing but I feel a bit uncomfortable by some of the choices as they do not always fit. An example is the references to how Kane knew or should know the female had had a baby. If stretch marks are that visible, the child would still be an infant. I realize that some women might have severe marks. It is probably not worth all the thought I put in to it.

Chapter One:
Better balanced but I wonder why the Prologue is not just Chapter One straight away. Your Chapter One needs that and my experience is that I can skip the Prologue which is mostly background or setting for the reader and not so much the actual story. Maybe you do not need the Prologue and can jump right into the story with Kane as Ch 1. Just my opinion of course.

We do have a problem with the backwardness of the professional law officers. The conflict between Moni, a good well balanced person (considering her past) and the detective is great. The lead detective being so hatefully racist and Moni seaming to almost "take it in stride" or "put up with it" and then be intimidated to push back because she would not be asked to join the team if she protests too much. That she is on the force puts in question how the lead detective could get away with such blatant bigotry. I believe he would be like this but it would come out is much more subtle way and not as brazen. He would be doing it in ways that gave him plausible deniability. It is a good element but I think you can tone it down and make it more understated but still clear.

After what seemed to be a great effort to avoid cliche, chapter one ends with what has become quite cliche by Moni saying that this was the worst day she was going to have and it was going to be better after that. That would be something someone like Moni would say so I understand but as the very end? I hear and read that bit in various way frequently.

These are just my ideas and reactions. I think the story has great promise. I have not read past Chapter 1 so I do not know where your sci-fi section is coming. I expect to see Mulder and Scully show up to hassle Lead Detective and let him know that there are extraterrestrials that come to earth to eat the heads off of people.

Keep it up.

Nanobots Review
Not sure why but your Prologue does not load and gives me a sorry error. I did read it and your chapter 1 but could not go back to the Prologue or Intro chapter.

A good story and well written. Pulls the reader in almost immediately.
Prologue:
I do question the difference in the way you use the colloquialism "fix 'n". Maybe in Florida it can mean a yearning or hankering for something to eat but in Texas it means getting ready or planning to or on the way to doing something, some task. - Just an interesting thought. I've never heard it used the way you have used it.

We immediately take a dislike to the kind of person Kane is but not so much a dislike of him. He obviously is not a total waste as he does try to help the little girl.

Hooking a fish that swims right up along the bank so the boat can troll along is somewhat of a task. I'd not believe that any fish would do this unless there is something mysterious or abnormal about this fish. Makes me think that it is not a fish but some other creature. We don't get to see since the action is interrupted by the bodies and the line is cut.

You have a trend to reach a bit to find a new and inventive way to describe a thing or action. Maybe you are trying to avoid the cliche which is a good thing but I feel a bit uncomfortable by some of the choices as they do not always fit. An example is the references to how Kane knew or should know the female had had a baby. If stretch marks are that visible, the child would still be an infant. I realize that some women might have severe marks. It is probably not worth all the thought I put in to it.

Chapter One:
Better balanced but I wonder why the Prologue is not just Chapter One straight away. Your Chapter One needs that and my experience is that I can skip the Prologue which is mostly background or setting for the reader and not so much the actual story. Maybe you do not need the Prologue and can jump right into the story with Kane as Ch 1. Just my opinion of course.

We do have a problem with the backwardness of the professional law officers. The conflict between Moni, a good well balanced person (considering her past) and the detective is great. The lead detective being so hatefully racist and Moni seaming to almost "take it in stride" or "put up with it" and then be intimidated to push back because she would not be asked to join the team if she protests too much. That she is on the force puts in question how the lead detective could get away with such blatant bigotry. I believe he would be like this but it would come out is much more subtle way and not as brazen. He would be doing it in ways that gave him plausible deniability. It is a good element but I think you can tone it down and make it more understated but still clear.

After what seemed to be a great effort to avoid cliche, chapter one ends with what has become quite cliche by Moni saying that this was the worst day she was going to have and it was going to be better after that. That would be something someone like Moni would say so I understand but as the very end? I hear and read that bit in various way frequently.

These are just my ideas and reactions. I think the story has great promise. I have not read past Chapter 1 so I do not know where your sci-fi section is coming. I expect to see Mulder and Scully show up to hassle Lead Detective and let him know that there are extraterrestrials that come to earth to eat the heads off of people.

Keep it up.

Club nanobots critique

Accomplished peice of writing with a few areas to tidy up in edit - that's why we're all here isn't it?

The scene where Kane finds the deadless corpse gave me chills.

Nice touch at the beginning, with Kane getting a scolding for dumping rubbish - sets him up as a laid back 'couldn't give a shit' kind of guy. This was subtle, but a nice way to introduce your main character.

Well done and watched. 5 stars.

Malcolm
Mindscape: An Act of God

Hi, Brian! Below, my "Club Nanobot" crit on your book. The comments that follow are my reactions to reading your prologue and first chapter - please remember that my views are but one among many: only use the stuff that you find useful and feel free to bin the rest.

Though there's not much I can say about these chapters. Everything seems to be in place already. Characters are introduced effectively, with sufficient background information to keep me interested. The murder scene in the prologue is neatly handled - sufficient gore, but not over-the-top melodrama. Kane seems like an intriguing character - I hope he has more to say as the story proceeds. Moni is framed nicely by her relationship with Sneed as her putative boss. There's not much of the central story to critique in this opening - it's a mystery of sorts, but enough has been revealed/foreshadowed to get me hooked into the narrative.

The few comments I've got are vague and minor. Kane managed to get away from the snake quite easily - maybe that situation could have been more tense? And I didn't feel immersed in the setting - not many visuals to describe the Everglades, and scant contribution from the other senses. Would a touch more description help nail the setting into my head? Moving to chapter 1, I felt a slight change in the narrator's accent, fewer colloquialisms as the text settles into the storytelling - slightly jarring as I made the transition, but not disruptive to the read.

All-in-all, this is impressive writing; I'm sure it won't struggle to find an audience. Best wishes, Rik.

Club Nanobots Critique

Last, but definitely not least! I thoroughly enjoyed the read. You have a knack for drawing in the reader and taking them along for the ride. Descriptions flow easily and dialogue sounds natural. There really wasn't much to critique here, and considering how well this book has done I think its worth has been reciprocated by the community.

One thing that threw me off was how Moni could possibly divine so much information from the girl's eyes. I know there's some leeway on reasonable here, but it seems a little too crazy for Moni to find out the volume of information that she did from the mute girl. Otherwise, I love the read. Starred and watched!

Ryan

Club Nanobots Critique

Read more than one Chapter because I enjoyed it.

What I think: You use similes well and of course they give the reader more visuals of the story, but I think that you use them too much. They are in every other paragraph. Try perhaps to just use descriptions. "An ass large enough to make an elephant blush" could just be "his large, pinkish ass was the first of him she saw." Or something.

I like stories about intelligent blacks, especially women. That is one reason I read more. But both women in the one chapter seemed to have weaves. As I'm sure you know, all black women don't wear weaves, especially those that are mixed. The have "good hair." And how did she ever make detective with such blantant discrimination? I can't see how that would have happened. No one stops him from being a racist. Can't she go to the EEOC?

You repeat things alot, like you said a Moni could coax kids where others couldn't a couple of times. You add unneeded words like "I always told Kane is was butt ugly." What does being ugly have to do with anything?

How could Moni see so much in the eyes of the girl? Just from looking into them she knew she had come from a perfect home, how her parents treated her, her happy she had been and how protected. She surely couldn't have assessed that much.

"The lead detective better swallow his racial pride before asking her for help." Hadn't he already asked her for help? Isn't that why she was there? And, he certainly wasn't curtailing his racial remarks. "Racial pride?" What does that mean?

For the most part, I enjoyed the book. I am interested in seeing how it is sci-fi and what happens to the little girl. I liked Moni very much, you did a good job with her character.

Good start.

Club Nanobots

Hi Brian,

Here’s my crit on ‘Mute’ for Club Nanobots. I’m not good on more general reviews, so I’m giving you the sort of stuff I normally do. I hope it’s of use to you. The notes below are just my opinions, and I’m no expert, so use what works for you and feel free to toss the rest.

Prologue

Great characterisation and excellent descriptions.

1) ‘Their hands were as stiff and as pale as a mannequin’s’
How would he know that from a boat in the middle of the lagoon? Would their hands be that easy to see? (And they'd be impossible to feel)

2) ‘He should have known by the stretch marks on the dead woman’s lower back’
I didn’t know stretch marks from pregnancy spread to your back. Would he really recognise what they were? I wouldn’t. I also thought they faded over time, so would they be that visible? (This isn’t a criticism, so much as a question. I never got stretch marks, so I wouldn’t know.)

3) ‘her inquisitive brown eyes’
If she’s shell-shocked with grief (which you mention a few sentences later) is she really going to look inquisitive? Maybe ‘fearful’ or ‘dull’ or ‘suspicious’, 'wary', 'haunted'...? I'm just not sure about 'inquisitive'.

Brilliant prologue. The descriptions of the headless corpses are gruesome, the ‘voice’ of Kane is excellent and the story makes you want to turn the page.

Ch 1

1) ‘she’d rather work with Sneed than for any other’
Usually you’d say ‘work with Sneed than with any other’ or ‘work for Sneed than for any other’. I’d either change ‘with’ to ‘for’ or vice versa here. To say ‘with than for’ you tend to keep the subject the same and it has a different meaning. ie ‘she’d rather work with Sneed than for Sneed’.

2) ‘She couldn’t have imagined that it would also offer something that would make no police department trust her again’
This sounds like foreshadowing. I’m not sure your story needs that. Your writing is definitely strong enough not to have it in here.

3) ‘through no fault of her own’
Is this really what you want to say? This makes it sound as though she’d feel guilty if she’d been the one who put him in jail. I’d have thought she’d be more likely to feel guilty that she wasn’t more pro-active (and, in fact, later sentences suggest that this is how she feels). Maybe something like, ‘no thanks to her’ would be more appropriate?

4) ‘When Moni finally had the girl safe with her in the back seat of the DCF agent’s car, she sat down beside her.’
This sentence just doesn’t seem to work. I think it’s something to do with the fact that, if you’re in a car you tend to be sitting. It’s difficult to fit any other way, so by the time she has the girl safe ‘with her’ in the back, I’d already visualised Moni as sitting. This might be better as something like, ‘When Moni had the girl safe in the back seat of the DCF agent’s car, she got in beside her.’


This is a very polished piece of writing and I would definitely want to read on at the end of the first chapter. Your writing is very visual, with a nice balance between narrative and dialogue. The characterisation is excellent and the story has a good pace. I was hooked from the start of the prologue. Well done.

Sue

Club Nanobots Review:

Hi, I didn't know if I'd like this. It didn't feel like Science Fiction, which is odd, as I don't label my own work as such, so that's what kept me interested in yours. That, and the mention of The X-Files, which I was very inspired by in doing the fan-fiction that paved the way for more serious, original work over the years, and so propelled me to here...

Thus, your work is definately of a flavour I'm confident will find a readership. It does feel more like one story trapped in the shell of another, so maybe in a rewrite, should you consider such a thing, I'd suggest a writer's exercise and tell your key scenes without the trappings of what you feel constitute "sci fi" and see how it plays.
Its about styling, akin to an Actor playing someone of another age, or sexual orientation or something-- you don't do it as a cartoon cliche, you just do it. An Artist doesn't do a style, they just draw.

Do you see what I'm getting at? I hope you, as I wish you well. Your work is good, but can do with a polishing in a way we've all had to endure. So good luck, and keep writing, as rewriting is the key.

Dan

Nanobot review.
Hi Brian. You have here a great pitch turning into a great read. The Florida coast setting is well chosen for your murder mystery, and you provide the reader with a clear picture of the place and the people. I appreciated good, fluid writing, with its perfect pacing and could easily read on.
The only question I have is....'are members of Florida's police department so inept when dealing with children?'
Highly starred,
Scott.

Club Nanobot:
Loved this first chapter! Excellent and fluid writing style, precise and yet not overwhelmed with too many details. Can picture the setting just perfectly. I cringed when I read about the severed heads, with the trachea and vertebrae gaping open. Horrifyingly beautiful. Your MS is spotless, which is a treasure. Six stars for excellent work.

Bre
Memoria

Club Nanobots review.
I really enjoyed your first chapter. I got completely engrossed immediately.
You filled my head with so many images in a short space of time.
I will read on but I'm sticking to the rules of chapter 1 review.
It's well polished and edited.
High stars, Pollyanna.

This is a club nanobot review.

I thought your story was great. The narrative pulls you along. You do a great job incorporating information without disrupting the flow of the story.
There was just one line I disliked. The foreshadowing "she couldn't have imagined that it would also offer something that would make no police station trust her again. I found it disrupted the flow of the chapter, and was an unnessisary hook. You've already got our interest, we're eager to see what happens to the little girl.

Well written! Highly starred.
:)

Club Nanobot Critique:

This is a compelling and well-paced story with believable characters and natural dialogue. It is not the sort of novel that I would choose to read, but I recognize the author's skill as a story teller, and I believe it would translate well into a movie.

I do have one question though, why wasn't the prologue chapter one? Why set it apart from the rest of the story?

Club Nanobot Critique:

This is a compelling and well-paced story with believable characters and natural dialogue. It is not the sort of novel that I would choose to read, but I recognize the author's skill as a story teller, and I believe it would translate well into a movie.

I do have one question though, why wasn't the prologue chapter one? Why set it apart from the rest of the story?