The Moon Worshippers

I've just read the first chapter of 'The Moon Worshippers'. Normally I am not drawn to read thrillers, historical or otherwise, but the author managed to entice me with the way he both introduced his characters and wove their stories together to draw us into the next adventure. It is well paced and the descriptions vivid. Well done.
HW Freedman
Irina's Eye

'Death, it must be said, had a way of sitting easily on Charlemagne's shoulders', we are in no doubt that this man is not the hero of the story. The first words of the old warrior leave me wondering how much of their tradition is fact and how much fiction. They are striking either way, 'Basques ... tell the whole truth before they die'. So we start the story of Inaki, the outsider, the boy who finds a wolf cub. '...like the rest of us', at this point we have moved from the priest's recollections to the warrior's own words. We have been swallowed by the Basque's story without even noticing...

It's when Inaki meets Aguirre that the story really comes alive - the dialogue and action, the manoeuvring and learning, and even the humour, 'I hope you're worth it'. The detail throughout is as skilfully wrought as that on Charlemagne's finery. This is an intriguing mix of accurate history with mythic overtones, plus a wealth of other knowledge such as wolf-dogs. It's the kind of work that will find me Googling between chapters. Most important of all, it has a great protagonist in the brave and proud Inaki ... backed.

Possible nits: 'the thought soothed ... struck by [other] thoughts'. 'only the monks that [who] had'. 'His mother's attitude', whose mother? Ah, The baby's - needs to say so. 'both boy and dog [wolf?] remained very still' (to distinguish it from the other dogs).

Always interested to read a book about Charlemagne. This is a fascinating and very intriguing story, superb attention to detail and a very compelling plot. Excellent work.

Backed with pleasure, best of luck.

Jack

Aitor,
What an interesting story based on historical facts. I wonder how you picked the subject, if that was part of your lectures. Well written with detail description.
Best wishes,
Aneta

Hello,
Sorry for the delay in the return read. I’ve read chapter 1.

This is incredibly well-written. I especially like the beginning, it really made me want to read on. I’ve struggled to find anything to comment on. What I’ve found is minor:

Ch 1. Para staring: ‘As he rose…’ Repetition of the word ‘chanting’ towards the end. May be better to just say, ‘started chanting in Latin…’

Para staring ‘The Basilica then…’ ‘days’ journey’

Para staring ‘At the isolated monastery…’ Do we need to know that it’s remote/isolated again?
Also repetition of the word ‘old’ (the warrior and the cloth. Maybe you can delete this word from the description of the cloth? Plenty of adjectives there already.)

Para staring ‘ It was on one of these trips…’ ‘three days’ food’.

Para staring ‘If voices were raised…’ ‘the wolf-dogs’s…’

Well done, and best of luck. I've starred you highly.
Jessica

Hello Aitor
What a facinating character you have chosen to work with. When researching a larger than life character from history it's a wonderful feeling to visualise them, hear them, then write about them. To get that feeling, and to say what you want to say, you need to delve deep into the research until they almost take over your life. I can tell from reading this, you have reached that point. I see the book is already published, and I wish you every success.

Hey Aitor,

here for my read swap.
You have crafted a beautiful story with such great attention to detail, the work that has gone into it is amazing. There were only a few points that i noticed which i thought would be helpful to mention to you, and i only point them out to help perfect your fabulous story.

There was a it of word repetiton at times ie: with and with right next to each other - and also a passive voice on some lines- ie: slighlty aware.

There was one sentence which i think could be worded better: with black hair and with black eyes (again, word repetition) i think that it would sound more fluent as- with black hair and eyes as deep and dark as the blackest night.

There was one paragraph which i think that you should take a look at. The paragraph itself is great, i just feel that it could do with swapping around a touch, as it doesnt flow as smoothly as the rest of the book. (its the paragraph that begins; On the second day)

One line had an extra word: 'No more (the) curses or stones.

These are all nit-picky things, and i honesty only point them out to help you, as you write so wonderfully, it would be a shame for a few little things to hold it back.

All in all, a great book, written wonderfully.
Good luck, highly starred

regards
Claire C Riley
Limerence

Hi Aitor,

Although historical thrillers are not my cup of tea I found your descriptive style of writing extremely good. You have captured the settings beautifully with your words.

I wish you the best.

N.Lalit ( Lilith )

Wow!! You must've put endless hours of research into this book. Very well done. I'm really impressed. Highly starred.

All the best,
Nicola

Hi, This is just the kind of Historical Fiction which is worth reading and I enjoyed it thoroughly! Therefore, I have backed it up. Perhaps, you would like to have a look at mine, Penrose - Princess of Penrith and comment on it.
Best wishes,
John.

I've just read the first chapter of 'The Moon Worshippers'. Normally I am not drawn to read thrillers, historical or otherwise, but the author managed to entice me with the way he both introduced his characters and wove their stories together to draw us into the next adventure. It is well paced and the descriptions vivid. Well done.
HW Freedman
Irina's Eye

It appears that you did a lot of work to prepare for this. Good job. This is well-written and interesting. Good job.

Brilliantly detailed and excellent dialogue. No complaints with this whatsoever. A very enjoyable read. Well done.

[comment based on chapters 1-3]

Aitor, your story has a compelling plot and an original setting. Tthe vivid details of the story quickly drew me into the world of "The Moon Worshippers" and kept me there. You have obviously done an enormous amount of reading and research.

On the editing side, I would support the comments others have made that trimming redundant and repetitious information and description would ease the flow and enhance the tension of the story. I'd also suggest clarifying point of view, particularly in chapter 1, to help the reader and checking punctuation (there seem to be many unnecessary commas). Chapters 2 & 3 flowed well for me as there was a balance of narrative summary and dialogue. Using the same approach in chapter 1, I think, would make the opening even more compelling.

Overall, a fascinating period in history crafted into an intriguing story.

Best of luck with your book.

I think your short pitch is great. I'm really into historical fiction, and this sounds like an exciting setup. I think your long pitch is interesting, too, although it seems more like the beginning of a scene than a synopsis. However, people have different tastes in such things, and I thought the setup of your narrative framework was interesting as a long pitch.

I like the visual impact of your opening scene. It's very dramatic. My main concerns about this scene are with pacing. Here are some suggestions that may help:

1.) Consider weaving the descriptions of Charlemagne's clothes and gear into more action-oriented description--how he's walking, who he's looking out, what he's seeing. This just keeps the pace moving a bit more. If your narrative voice doesn't give us an interior perspective (e.g. "Charlemagne thought that the Pope was ..."), you can still give us clues about what the Charlemagne's perspective on this whole coronation event might be.

2.) The exposition recounting Charlemagne's past stands in the way of your reader getting drawn into the present scene. You might want too wait until you've hooked the reader just a little bit more (perhaps once the monks are cheering?) and then give us the exposition in the context of explaining/suggesting what this moment feels like for Charlemagne, what the importance of these past events is for the monks ... Anything to make the history feel personally important to someone in the present scene. Obviously this is important history--but for the novel, we want to understand how the big picture relates to someone's individual life, or a few individuals lives.

Some copyediting notes:

"long sleeved" is a compound adjective, so it should be "long-sleeved"

"deer skin" is actually "deerskin"

I'm assuming the "crimson blood" on Charlemagne's hands is a metaphor. Be careful--when you insert this in the midst of so much actual physical description, it could make the reader do a double-take and wonder if he's actually walking into the church with blood on his hands. That would be dramatic, but I don't think that's what you meant to convey. Ditto with the description of the shield. When you're reading carefully, it's clear you're describing gear that's not actually in the scene, but consider whether it's important to describe this shield at this moment, if it's not in the scene.

I would also consider reviewing some of your longer sentences for clarity. I see some comma splices, some verbs that are being slightly misused (the verb acclaim is being used incorrectly in two places--you may want to read some examples of that verb being used in context), and issues with the clarity of your modifying clauses.

Here's one sentence that needs to be rewritten for clarity:

"As he knelt in prayer, after Mass on the steps of the High Altar and much to his surprise, the Pope in a spontaneous gesture, took the Golden Crown from the head of the statue of Saint Peter."

I hope that helps! I think you have an exciting story to tell, and I wish you luck as you refine your manuscript.

I like this very much. The human/animal relationship is simply told and a lot of fun to read. Big C will be the baddie no doubt. A winner.

Interesting. I read the first three chapters. Strong hooks on each. I like the history lessons about Charlemagne. A book on Basque culture is unique to me. It seems your book plows ahead with strong plot. My only reservations are the characters. They seem a little wooden to me. I suppose the books is so strongly plot-driven, it doesn't matter much.

You write so wonderfully. I have always been curious about Charlemagne - it's about time someone wrote about him :)

Your book would make a good film. Nearly everyone's heard of Charlemagne but few know about him. He is an important historical character.

Anyway.....

Please put some more of your book up so we can enjoy the rest of it. Thank you

The pitch hooked me. Your imagined version of the events surrounding the ‘Song of Roland’ might come into this tale. I have always been fascinated by that and am keen to see how you have dealt with the truth of these darker ages. Framing the tale as coming from a dying Basque warrior is fair enough and the emergence of Inaki and his wolf-dog toward the end of chapter one is super storytelling. This is a time and place which has not been ‘written to death’ and the first chapter kept me hooked throughout.

My suggestions /advice are simply to underline some of the comments already made. Point of View is an issue in the first chapter and occasionally it wasn’t clear whether an omniscient narrator, the Benedictine monk or the old basque warrior was telling the tale.
You use too many adjectives and sometimes repeat information or give us potentially irrelevant information. I wrote out a 140 word passage from your first chapter and set myself the exercise of cutting it back. I came up with -
‘At the same moment in a remote Monastery in the High Pyrenees a Basque warrior died. A Benedictine monk covered the old warrior’s face with a tattered woollen blanket before leaving the cell and walking down a stone corridor, heading for the Abbot’s private rooms. He was carrying a bundle of parchments and his brow was creased with worry.’

I think such trimming would help the pace of your tale. I understand that the warrior’s tale contained some amazing revelation but you only tell us of the monks realisation of how the Basque people and their culture have been ignored/poorly understood/ done great deeds without being specific about the revelation. Perhaps you are hiding it from us for the moment. I was surprised that after this long digression the monk was still pacing that corridor though. The authenticity of your story could be improved by naming the monastery – there weren’t many in the Pyrenees in the eighth century, the monk, the basque warrior. Us HF enthusiasts delight in specifics as you know. One to watch for me and I’ll take another look shortly.

I love that era, having an image of Charlemagne that is almost superhuman. Fantasy and fiction based on historical fact are excellent blends. I wish you luck with it and will continue to watch its progress.

How can I resist a historical novel with the wolf-dog ancestor of a Pyrenean mountain dog in the story, and incidental information on crude dog training methods (the food refusal work) and on wolf pack behaviour? Discovery is part of the fun in reading a historical novel and there is plenty here to bring alive a place, a time and a people, and make me react with 'I never knew that'.

I want to like this book because there is so much in it that is of interest to me but I have a very very big problem with the narrative viewpoint and structure. Throughout the 8 chapters you seem to drop into a point of view for two sentences and then randomly move to an omniscient narrator or someone else e.g. Olatz in Ch7 or the mother at the end of Ch1. In theory all of this is supposed to be from the viewpoint of the Old warrior but after some 'we' and 'us' about the Basque people, he vanishes completely as a personality colouring the tale.

I know it is a convention to enter the tale itself from a starting point of 'the story told by X' but there are just too many stories being told to us that were told to someone else, who was told it by someone else, and too many random changes.

Look at the 1st chapter; first Charlemagne is crowned. Omniscient narrator gives account. Instead of the heavy 'At that very same moment' two sentences, you could use the convention ****8 and cut to the next section. readers know that the the two scenes are going to be connected at some point. Next we see the viewpoint of the Benedictine monk. He tells us the story of the Old warrior but we actually lose sight of the monk straight away. The Old warrior tells us the story of Inaki but we lose sight of the Old warrior straight away. Complicated!

This is how I would structure it and choose viewpoint. Don't ever be tempted to jump into more than one viewpoint per section so choose the one that suits your purpose best. If you're showing someon'es thoughts or something only he/she knows like Olatz being prgenant, then you're in his/her head and giving his/her viewpoint. I'd cut all that opening scene of Charlemagne's coronation. It's not a dynamic start to the novel and it doesn't create a hook to read on. I'd start with the Old Warrior arriving at the monastery, giving the monk's viewpoint and end the section with 'the story he told would shake the world. Then I'd make a ***** cut and tell the story of Inaki without any suggestion of it being narrated by the Old warrior (or the monk). I'd tell it as chronological narrative, probably taking Inaki's viewpoint but I'd look at that as part of the overall structure. If it's important that we know about Olatz, she needs a section in her point of view.

The switches to the Sisters of the Moon add narrative interest but again, watch that you don't jump around from one person to the other. i skimmed the latter chapters so I can't comment in detail.

Another smaller suggestion is that the flea image doesn't work for me and is so extended that it becomes quite important. Flesa might be small but there are usually LOTS of them. 'If they were so few, they could be compared to fleas' doesn't work for me and the image gets a bit confused if you read it all through.

I hope this is helpful because I love the historical content and would thoroughly enjoy reading this book if there were some changes to point of view and structure.

Nitpick
In your pitch 'secrets as they...' needs 'they' cut for the sentence to be grammatically correct, and then there's a bit of a muddle in the next two sentences. 'The story of...Wolf-Dog ' is not a sentence (fine) but it doesn't make sense either.

Hello Aitor , I think this is a beautiful well-crafted book about an area of Spain that is very little known in the UK , I loved your well-informed comments on the Navarrese character - a part of Spain that has always interested me , is that where you are originally from? For a Spanish speaker to write so well in English is extremely impressive. Backed . Would you have the time to look at my book 'A Buccaneer' set amongst Pirates in the 17th century , with best wishes , Strachan Gordon

A compelling adventure tale well told. The writing is vivid and there is a good balance between dialogue and narrative text. ---

Fascinating in that it gives an insight into a time and a people that are rarely the subject of stories. ---

I look forward to reading the next chapters. ---

My only quibble is the bit in the first chapter that states: "... shake the very foundations of the Christian World..." this phrase is on the back cover of every book that copies Dan Brown, there must be other ways to convey this concept without this cliche.

Fascinating. I have backed it even though I usually require that a book give a hint of where it is headed....

The Moon Worshippers is a gripping read, demanding attention from the start in spite of a high proportion of narrative full of background facts. You have a strong 'story telling' voice and the characters and incidents are vividly portrayed and the history is very much part of the story, which may explain why it does not feel to a reader that he is being fed information. This must surely be a book for publishers to take seriously and I agree with the commenter below who likens it to, I guess, Rosemary Sutcliffe, who was a wonderful writer of historical novels for the young.

To nit pick, I came across many commas in odd places, and almost all the semi-colons you used were used incorrectly and commas would have been correct. May I suggest checking up on these?

Also, - this may be as a result of the format in which Authonomy has put your uploaded bookand not your doing - speeches are sometimes confusingly split, breaking the convention that everything a speaker says at one time follows on, even if 'he said' or the like intervenes. A reader will assume that where there is a new line it will mean a new speaker has taken over. Quite often it wasn't. Where the speeches stand alone a reader needs to know that the speakers are alternating correctly - or he becomes muddled, stops to reread, and you have lost him.

In the first chapter there is an example of sentence reversion which appears elsewhere. 'His mother's attitude... ...made life difficult for the boy.' In its context, again the reader has to turn back to the beginning to get the full meaning - and slows down the reading.

In Ch 1 you talk of 'infirmed' persons instead of 'infim'. In Ch 7 shoal instead of shawl and broach instead of brooch warn not to rely too much on the spell-checker. Just glitches for when you are editing.

Starred and will shelve soon. I wish you well with this lovely book and would love to read the rest. Margaret Woodward: The Devil's Bairn

Hi, Aitor

This is a mesmerizing read. I am a lover of Historical fiction... and you certainly grabbed my attention. I love the narrative voice. The use of relatively short sentences with a beautiful cadence pushes us along. Where I am not as convinced is the dialogue. It sounds a bit stilted/formal and would benefit from more contractions, and incomplete sentences. (as one normally talks, especially when coming out of the mouths of simple village people). Other than that this is a recommended book...about early medieval history. Love it! Will back it as soon as I have space.

Good luck !!!
Miguel (Absentee Bidder)

' The Moon Worshippers '

It is evident how much research and effort has gone into this well written work. You have a clear focus on the time frame into which the characters and dialogue are well integrated.

Jane
'Breath in the Dark '

Always interested to read a book about Charlemagne. This is a fascinating and very intriguing story, superb attention to detail and a very compelling plot. Excellent work.

Backed with pleasure, best of luck.

Jack

The Moon Worshippers - In the opening chapter the author has drawn a sharp contract between the opulence of Charlemagne's crowning and the austere surroundings, in which the Basque warrior's tale is related before he dies. Add to this, a monk confused by what he has heard over a number of days, who does not want to believe what has been said but knowing in his heart the warrior has spoken the truth, hastening to take documents to his abbot and this has so many hooks to draw a reader in deep.
The writing smoothly melds fictional and actual characters together and weaves them into the great deal of research the author must have carried, whilst flitting between two stories, which are travelling together to converge past with the present ie: the period the tale is set in. Throughout the four chapters read, the backstory of fiercely independent Basques, fascinating in itself, is told together with their culture and customs. Settings are described well, characters are robust, dialogue realistic and the authors writing is very fluid and evocative.
This is an intelligent work and a thoroughly enjoyable read.

Child - Atramentus Speaks

This absolutely superb story deserves to be read and re-read.
Imaginative and well-crafted it focusses on an unusual period of European history about which little is written. I really enjoyed it but felt it needs an edit.
You use the word 'had' too much and you should take 'that' out of most sentences. There is an occasional passive sentence which detracts. Scratch most if not all of the words ending in -ly. It would strengthen the writing.
Try these tips and see what you think.
I thought this is one of the best historical novel on this site. I can't believe you won't get it published!
Superb!

Your study and thereby knowledge of Charlemagne is commendable, and if I were in need of research information on the matter I would know where to turn. As a work of fiction I find that instead of taking me to the place you are bringing it to me. Your descriptive work is on par with that of Tolstoy, in that some 700 pages into War & Peace Tolstoy takes near on three pages to describe the forest. Fine in a time when readership travelled less and there were no visual stimuli such as the TV or the silver screen. Now epic films have placed the visual in our head way before we pick up a book.
I thank you for placing my early work on your bookshelf and except that it is likely to be now removed, but I do like to say as I see, and what I see is a writer knitted closer to Non-fiction than fiction

This is a fascinating story that opens with two seemingly unconnected scenes--one filled with grandeur with Charlemagne in St. Peter's with the Pope. This scene is epic and elegantly described. The second (not connected, but as we learn later it is deeply connected) is a humble scene as an old warrior dies in a monastery. The contrast in the two scenes is striking - a dirty rag over the warriors face, the feel of the stark environment, the cold. This leads into a narrative of what first seems to be ramblings, but as the monks learn, turn out to be secrets. The text flows well. I love the imagery, and the story of the old warror - which becomes the premise of this book is a great hook. The work is not only gripping, it is intelligent.

Lizzi
(Out of Sync)

Shelved The Moon Worshippers - Good pitch. [My dictionary has no listing for Worshipers spelled with double p. Am I missing something?] The writing is good, but tends to be a little wordy, which is generally the case in an early draft, and maybe not worth mentioning. Now that I have mentioned it, let me point out a couple of things meant only as constructive criticisms. - - 'In that time he had fought fifty four great battles.' Delete 'In that time', it is understood from the previous sentence. 'went to Mass in St Peter's Basilica in Rome on Christmas Day.' Do what ever is necessary to get rid of at least one of the uses of in. 'went to Rome's St. Peter's Basilica for Mass on Christmas Day.' would be one of several options. Good work, and happy editing.
G.
Einstein's Road Trip [I would like to see your take on Einstein, an offbeat lit. fiction/urban fantasy, if your time allows. Thanks.]

WOW! This is fantastic. The pitch alone had me hooked. Your research must have taken days, months, even years. Congratulaions on a masterpiece. This is the work of a master craftsman. Congratulations.Backed for sure. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

Tremendous. There are few books I have seen on here that grip the reader so well. This is not achieved by some dramatic action sequence, but by telling the story of a story having been told. Quite remarkable. I am more than happy to back this - it deserves to go right to the top. Colin

This is a superbly crafted book, well worthy of the support it has been receiving. Congratulations!

Philip John

THE MOON WORSHIPPERS
An interesting part of history - of which I know very little. The part I read was very detailed and simply packed with historical facts. You have woven all this into the narrative quite effortlessly. The book is well presented and the story moves along at a cracking pace. Backed with pleasure.
Faith
THE ASSASSINS VILLAGE

Latin and stuff just how I pictured it. A clever write and clearly well researched. Mostly an enjoyable read and of the genre very accomplished.

Richard

Aitor

This is a fascinating story and I got caught up reading it. The history is interesting, but it's the story of the boy and the wolf-dog that really grabs the attention.

There are places the writing seems slighty clumsy (for example when you 'the dogs' in dialogue bracketed) but the story was good enough that I didn't pause to note these spots--something I would usually do. There's nothing an editor couldn't easily fix.

Backed.

This is very much to my taste: good clear prose, appropriate vocabulary, steady pace, and everything well-researched and well thought through. Convincing.
Backed with pleasure.
RT

I've been reading your book with great interest. Your story is compelling, your skill at writing very good Your knowledge of the time of Charlrmagne awesome. I'm sure a lot of research went into it.

My only criticism is that sometimes your chapters are way too long.This makes reading them a chore. Easy enough to fix.

Also, there is, perhaps, a little too much history lesson in those long chapters. Not so easily fixed since the reader needs to know the history to understand your story.

I wish you luck in getting your book published.
Sandra Davidson - COLD MOON RISING

Only had a quick look - little time at present and lots to do. This seems very intriguing and my sort of book. Like the writing.
Backed.

'Death, it must be said, had a way of sitting easily on Charlemagne's shoulders', we are in no doubt that this man is not the hero of the story. The first words of the old warrior leave me wondering how much of their tradition is fact and how much fiction. They are striking either way, 'Basques ... tell the whole truth before they die'. So we start the story of Inaki, the outsider, the boy who finds a wolf cub. '...like the rest of us', at this point we have moved from the priest's recollections to the warrior's own words. We have been swallowed by the Basque's story without even noticing...

It's when Inaki meets Aguirre that the story really comes alive - the dialogue and action, the manoeuvring and learning, and even the humour, 'I hope you're worth it'. The detail throughout is as skilfully wrought as that on Charlemagne's finery. This is an intriguing mix of accurate history with mythic overtones, plus a wealth of other knowledge such as wolf-dogs. It's the kind of work that will find me Googling between chapters. Most important of all, it has a great protagonist in the brave and proud Inaki ... backed.

Possible nits: 'the thought soothed ... struck by [other] thoughts'. 'only the monks that [who] had'. 'His mother's attitude', whose mother? Ah, The baby's - needs to say so. 'both boy and dog [wolf?] remained very still' (to distinguish it from the other dogs).

Hi Aitor

A few nitpicks:

I don't know if you want to say "year of our Lord 800AD" since AD actually means "year of our Lord"? Either "year of our Lord" or "AD", not both
"statue", not "statute"
don't need "in Latin"
"its Emperor", not "it's Emperor"
"as disinterested parties", not "as a disinterested parties"
no need to repeat again that the monastery is in the Pyrenees near the Roncesvalles pass
"infirm person", not "infirmed person"

This is a great story. I love the period and the savage life, with hints of the spiritual world, that the people live. And learning something about the Basques is very welcome too. You conjure up time, place and character very effectively, although the section with the monk was a bit repetitive. But Charlemagne's crowning and the story of Inaki and the wolfcub are beautifully realised. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

Do you know what? I wish in a way that you'd started the book with chapter two. It dives right into character and story - whereas chapter one is a bit more 'tell' - more like reading an informative history book. I realise the job its doing, but I just felt the second chapter was more appealing as a read, if its a historical thriller.

That's an observation only, one that is maybe only me. I have no problem with the subject, the quality of your writing or any thing, and am backing on that.
Polly
STONES.

Lovely to see that you have cherried my comment....just following your climb. so glad to see you doing so well.

if you have backed my book thank you.
Best of luck

Denise
The Letter

This is a very interesting story. I've just finished the first chapter. You seem to repeat a few times the idea that the dying warrior's story was interesting. You might want to consider removing some of the repetition.

You have a style that is engaging, easy to read and grabs the interest of the reader.

Backed.

Steven Lloyd
THE AUDACITY OF HOPE AND CHANGE

I enjoy historical fictional and enjoyed reading this. Well done! Backng.

Camille
Curse of the Golden Fly

Hi Aitor
I enjoyed reading the first few chapters of this and am happy to back it. Best wishes
Vall
Midwyf

Consider reducing the number of exclamtion marks by half. Overuse reduces their effectiveness. Other than that, this is an intelligent, fascinating historical. You skillfully captured my attention, and then my mind. Relatable characters. Authentic dialogue that evokes the era. Accomplished storytelling. Artful writing. Backed.

Hi, I am sorry that this comment does not help you in any way just yet, other than to let you know that I think your work is worth backing, but I am getting used to the site slowly. Also, work commitments and writing are being squeezed to try to keep up. After the first days I thought that the reading returns and support would slow but as yet they have not even begun to. So, in order to be fair I am backing everyone who I think deserves it, thanking everyone who has backed me and keeping an increasingly long list to get back to and give my hand written comments over. I hope this is ok with you? Cheers.

Very interesting. Kept my attention. The lore and history of the tale is to be commended. Your writing isn't too heavy but be careful. Your momentum is built in a steady even stroke, subtly tightening of the drama.

Your craft suits you.

Well done.

AmyR
Trust Me

Hi Aitor. Firstly, thank you for backing LONDON. I enjoyed your synopsis, which led me easily to your book. Nice painting of words, nice visual you bring.

blessings,
jim