The Age of Rhinestone

My first observation was how impressive your writing is. You definitely have a gift for putting together sentences. Your word choice is top notch, painting a picture with each sentence. In terms of writing, I'd change very little about this. In fact, this was what initially hooked me.

The is a fascinating, satirical look at religion. I love the idea of "Elvists" and laughed out loud when they shouted, "A-huh-huh." Hilarious. The parallels between it and modern religion, particularly the concept of "giving" were powerful, yet humorous at the same time.

I like the premise you've established. The fact he's there looking for his fiancée drops us right into the middle of conflict. You successfully establish the theme, the world, your main character, and the conflict by the end of the chapter, making me curious as to what happens next.

Suggestions: There are a few instances of telling in this opening chapter that would be stronger if shown. For example, "The room was not only large..." and "This was a windfall of..." You tend to focus heavily on description. You write your descriptions beautifully, but I wonder if it's all necessary (i.e. four paragraphs about the room at the beginning). The opening feels a little overwritten at times. The narrative itself is tight, but there's more here than I feel is necessary. I think you could accomplish more with less in this instance, maybe cutting this opening chapter by 25%. I know it's a satire, but I wonder if it's consistent having the Elvists hate Christians since Elvis himself sang a lot of gospel music. Can we get into Ransom's head a bit more in the opening chapter? I think it would be effective to build his character a bit more as he observes what is happening. I know a lot about the Elvists, but not so much about Ransom.

Typos: "Just because your not..." should be "you're not." Instead of "Brother Tom!, you have..." I'd make it, "Brother Tom! You have..." Should be "altar" not "alter." Alter means to change something. Other than that, this was well-edited.

This is a very strong opening to a fascinating novel that contains a convicting look at religion and an interesting premise. Good job!

It’s taken me almost a year to get around to reading this, for which I apologise. Having done so, I’m afraid this is not one for me.
I can’t fault your imagination, but I have to confess I grew tired of the sermon in chapter one, once it eventually started, and gave up a little over half way through. And that’s part if the problem.
There’s an awful lot of descriptive text in this first chapter, before we get to The Sermon of the title. I appreciate that some sense of ‘where we are’ is useful, but does the amount of detail really add to the story? If it doesn’t, leave it out.
I also believe you need to be careful with the detail or you can lose direction. For example,
[ The plates were etched. . . and were highly polished so that the light from the torches shone on them]
This doesn’t really ring true. It wouldn’t matter whether the plates were highly polished or not, the torches would still shine on them. Perhaps,
[ The plates were etched. . . and were highly polished so that the light from the torches reflected brightly]
or something similar?
Further down,
[The room grew pregnant with silence as everyone seated themselves]
When did the dancing cease? But, hang on, they’ve all seated themselves and yet, in the next paragraph,
[He watched intently as the women danced provocatively around the altar . . .]
Ransome was unable to distinguish Lily (who, one assumes, he knows very well) from all the other women, and yet he can notice ‘a kind of innocence in their eyes’?
There are some possible typos in Chapter One.
Para 4.
[ . . . outlandish gothic lines an contours . . . ]
which should, I think, read [ and contours ] ?
Later on,
[“Turn now in lyrics to the firs book .“ ]
Should this be [first book]?
And chapter two is overlong, too.
I enjoyed the third chapter more, and for the first time was tempted to read on, but you are writing from a mixed point of view. The paragraph starting,
['You're here to find your proper place in the world . . .]
where we hear what Skypilot is thinking. Up to this point, it’s all been from Ransom’s POV..
As I said earlier, this chapter is better and I really was tempted to read on.
Things are actually happening, it's not all descriptive narrative, but it's such a pity it's all so late.
Others may not agree, and I have to admit I'm not a fan of overwritten descriptive text no matter how well it is done, and I believe The Age of Rhinestone could be much better if you could trim it down considerably.
Nevertheless I wish you well with this.

Ironic, funny and fun. Highly polished and professional. I remember reading this in the past, and can see why I backed it. Now we have this newfangled star rating system, I'm giving you 6 stars too. :)

Best of luck getting published. I'd love to see this on the shelves and selling. :)

Pete

Hi,
Thankyou for your comment re Into the Dark.
I've read the first chapter, and would wish to indulge in a few comments, if I may.
The writing is fairly fluid, if perhaps a tad clunky. The first section is relentless in its detail of the chamber, and possibly could be condensed to a well described paragraph. Certain sentences are a little off beat, requiring a modicum of editing eg ' the whole of which was covered.....into which the children'. This could be better constructed, I think. Superfluous use of adjectives - ' uninhibited ', ' enormous' ' outlandish' - there is a question here of perspective -who regards this as outlandish ?
Certain phrases juddered - ' a sharp,pleasant voice'. Can a voice be sharp and pleasant. ?' The room grew pregnant with silence'. My advice would be to remove that completely
Try to avoid the dreaded ' seem to ' - ' seem to glow'. This confuses a reader, because again the perspective shifts, from the perceptions of the protagonist, to an unidentifiable source.
Some of the dialogue is clever, and deft - Sky pilot is portrayed as a menacingly mercurial character, though occasionally his sermon flirts into the territory of diatribe, almost documentorial, rendering it a little ponderous perhaps.
On the whole, a witty, clever piece. A little shaving round the edges required, a bit of toning and removal of excess flab. But a good piece, which was enjoyable to read.

Kind regards,

Kenny Hill

A work of monumental self indulgence. Tried to read it, but gave up. Sorry.

I'm glad Lily showed up. It was brave and honorable of him to look for her.

I have read the first chapter so far and was laughing. You did a great satire of holy rollers, altar calls and the whole "Elvis is alive" movement. I knew those poe4ple claiming Elvis is alive were in a cult somewhere! LOL I like it so far.

Only read a couple of chapters so far and writing is fine, taking you into a believable fantasy world with a nice undercurrent of irony. Glad you liked my book, happy to back this.

I've only read a few chapters of your book but I've got it on my watchlist now and I hope to get time to finish it later. I don't quite know what to make of your story so far. I'm impressed and staggered by your unique vision, and the concepts and I'm swept up in the wording at times, totally 'there' in your action scenes. Then in places I'm bogged down with a lengthy narration or description when I want to get on with the story - rather like your dark open-mouthed figures on the beams with their faces frozen - not sure if they're "singing at the top of their lungs or frozen in a state of perpetual surprise." (I love that description) As an ex teacher the flow is spoiled for me a bit when there are a lot of typos and the like, for instance, in Chapter 12 "some new some symbol grew", "running could only described the psychology of what Ray was doing", "this is all you're (should be your) fault" "He lie on the dry earth and waited" etc. All inconsequential in a rough draft and such little things but it does spoil the read for me a bit by making me stutter through too many read-again sentences.
I think your beginning descriptions are excellent. Skypilot's 'sermonizing' rings hilariously true and you've captured something original and creative here. I did feel as if I wanted to know a bit more about Lily sooner, or Ransom's feelings about her. I wouldn't want you to leave out any of your exceptional descriptions or the 'message' Skypilot gave, but perhaps you could arrange some of it differently so that we know more about your main characters and their plight first and care about them, and are not just moving into the story because we are intrigued.. But hey - that's only one little rather unqualifiedt opinion and perhaps I should read on before spouting any more.

Very dry wit. I like the tongue in cheek religious parodies.

I don't know if I should say anything, can you delete unwanted comments. The imagery of Ransom rescuing his stolen love and her seeing him rescue her after removing the blind fold and gag, is a good male emotional feeling. In the next chapter we find out that she has been there for two years. You, at that moment turned your main character into a woman. An over emotional hysterical drama queen with a hero complex and the brains of a balloon, which she, I mean he, has been imagining for two fraking years! The thought that she might still be alive, a bound, blind folded, gagged prisoner is ridiculous. Sorry if that sounds harsh or if I am wrong; only read the two chapters.

i like the pace of the book, it gives it a slightly tense feel! Good work!

Lots of typos. Great writing. To me, it's very slow. Maybe that is suspense, but I had to scan through a lot of it.

A marvellously original plot with an edge of irony. Very well written, professional and polished.
Well done, Marj.

Outstanding! I will definitely return to "savor" the rest.

Enough background is provided to make this a plausible story. Will there be an Elvis cult after a financial meltdown? Quite possibly! I read a book once to study it's writing style- Impersonating Elvis by Leslie Rubinkowski. I thought I'd mention it, as you might find the book's content interesting. I felt that some of your writing could be tightened up to increase the pace. In this genre, I think it is something most of us struggle with. I feel that your content and story arch are well developed. I liked the characterizations, and this helped me fall into the story. Good luck with this! I'll be back to read more!

Lucia
Vein Fire

Sensual descriptions, wonderful deadpan edge to the narration, and of course...Elvis! This is a book that makes you think one moment and laugh out loud the next, such as when Ransom keeps saying, "Christ!" to annoy Skypilot. "Sweet Priscilla, mother of Lisa!"

The only thing that really comes to mind is something suggested by some other people here, that it might be good to add a few more details about Lily in the early chapters. The odd mannerism, habit...I don't know, just something a bit more, to make her as indelible in our minds as in Ransom's. Other than that I couldn't really think of anything, this is very well-written with an original voice and realistic, engaging characters. I'm on chapter 4 at present and gonna keep reading... Backed and starred highly.

Niomi Jackson
Kissing the Reindeer Skull

This is fascinating and chilling. Very well written. I agree with Neeky78m, the first chapter could do with some dialogue. That's a lot of narration without much interaction for Ransom (fantastic name btw). I also think you could benefit by adding some sort of flashback in this chapter that allows us to get to know Lily a bit. It would help us understand why Ransom is going to such great lengths to find her. And maybe get the reader more invested in finding her as well.

Meredith

Dear Blueboy,
You are a special human being as is evident in your writing. Your first paragraph is one of the most wonderful openings I've read in a long time. Your book and charm came highly recommended to me via my brother, John Campbell. So, I stopped by and quickly became filled with awe. This is not John's genre, though he's a wonderful writer and I'm proud of his accomplishments with Paradise Garden. But this--The Age of Rhinestone--I like this very much. WLd and highly starred as it deserves.
Sincerely yours,
Bea

Blueboy,
Though not my genre, I can see, even feel, the brilliance behind The Age of Rhinestone, and can sincerely offer this 6 stars. Now, your profile should earn 10 stars.
Cheers!
John B Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)

When I read that the story was about an Elvia cult I had to read it! Bahahaha! Brilliant. Almost as good as the (real) cult/religion for Prince Philip in Vanuatu.
:-)
I think the first chapter would benefit from some dialogue, perhaps by way of a flashback to (as cottonorclouds suggests) when he loses Lily or even better, when they were together and the reason he wants to find her.

I look forward to reading a bit more about Ransom later this week.

Good luck!

When I read that the story was about an Elvia cult I had to read it! Bahahaha! Brilliant. Almost as good as the (real) cult/religion for Prince Philip in Vanuatu.
:-)
I think the first chapter would benefit from some dialogue, perhaps by way of a flashback to (as cottonorclouds suggests) when he loses Lily or even better, when they were together and the reason he wants to find her.

I look forward to reading a bit more about Ransom later this week.

Good luck!

I only read the first two chapters of your work, but I found it very interesting. I love that the cult is centered around Elvis and that Ransom finds the cult by paying attention to the billboard about practical jokes. Those are some great details. One thing that really struck me is that you present a lot of information through narrative summary. In particular, I would have been interested to see the full scene of when Ransom finds out that Lily is gone. I think that would really strengthen the reader's understanding of Ransom and give the reader more understanding for his character. Overall, I really enjoyed reading your work.

At times it feels as though Ransom is being pulled by some invisible string. Your entire premise so unusual but it strangely makes sense. I have rated and placed your book on my shelf. I hope to get some feed back from you on "Just Out of Sight".
thanks for the read,
Craig (Bandof1)

Your writing is powerful giving the promise of rich themes, intrigue and adventure. It draws the reader in, made me feel for Ransom, especially his disappointment when the woman wasn't recognized. Also sparks curiousity, who is she? Wonderful work. HL

William,

I received your message a few days ago and decided to drop by. I should tell you up front I'm limiting myself to reviewing first chapters only so I can expose myself to as many members' work as possible. I'll keep reading those pieces that I found especially captivating at a later date.

This chapter has numerous examples of sensuous, evocative language. I had no trouble whatsoever visualizing what was happening. And you admirably begin the narrative right in the middle of the action. I felt sufficiently enticed to read on to the chapter's end.

I did, however, feel the lead character of Ransom was a bit lacking, especially when viewed in contrast with the richly described setting and action of the story. True, we are privy to his feelings and thoughts occasionally, but I felt you could delve even further into his psyche. Yes, it's still quite early in the story and you may wish to dazzle the reader with your terrific opening conflict, but just a few more early hints into the protagonist's mindset will help the reader feel a connection to the narrative that runs deeper than simple awe.

Hope this was helpful. I look forward to reading more and to hearing your commentary on my work.

Best,

Thomas

The Age of Rhinestone—great title, I'm like 'what is that?” and then I find out by reading your prologue it's caused by stock market crash, coming up in the year 2020. And then ELVIS enters the building? This is some great imagination you have. (One thing I should mention, is that I was a bit put-off by your telling us it is 'a good read with a strong narrative voice, ...” this sounds a bit uh, well – the reader should be able to judge this himself. And I know by reading lots of agent blogs, they don't like this kind of stuff either.

Anyway, I love the name Ransom, great choice. I love the opening sentence in your prelude, your writing is very poetic. My one thought is that it might be a tad long, one sentence paragraphs aren't my favs – consider breaking it up into several different ideas. (IE: fingers of light slipping into darkness. Sun falling from the edge of the earth. Dragged down to sea – three ideas) The beginning of the prelude was great, I love the story about the people waiting for the boat. But I felt it dragged on to long, and I stopped reading it to get to chapter one. I think it's because you have too much narration and back story. Lots of it could be weeded out.

Reading the next part (the obligatory quest) There's again too much information. Let me stress, I really like your story, and you are a good writer. You know how to write great sentences and portray ideas, I just feel like you tell them too fast. You need to slow down and give us more action and dialogue and less narration. I do like the inner monologue, but use it as a device to show us how Ransom feels, and not as a narration.

I hope I've helped you out a bit, that was my intention. Like I said, I do like this, I just see it needs an edit to comb out the unnecessary detail, and give us some more vivid descriptions like you did in the first sentence.

Best
Karen

I'm hooked. I've top rated and will put your book on my bookshelf to back it. Please look at "Just Out of Sight".
You have created an intriguing start to you book. I like that you go right into the story and we will get to know your characters later.
Good luck to you,
Craig (Bandof1)

ive read a couple of chapters and I must say its very, very intriguing. I'm very impressed. :)

You've got six or seven paragraphs of back story in this first chapter basically telling the history of the country's fall into chaos. I''m not sure if the first chapter is the place to give us so much tell. It might work better in a later chapter so the space can be filled with character development.

I like how there is a bit of a hook at the end of the chapter leading us on to want to know more about the woman's identity.

The writing flows very well. I didn't notice any typos. This is my first feedback so I'm not sure what is required or usual on this site. Hope this helps.

Michelle

I've only read the first 2 chapters so far, but wanted to leave a quick comment of my initial impressions. I think you have a very easy flow to your prose, it never feels forced, and you've done some really nice world building in the first couple of chapters. I'm digging the church of Elvis plot so far. I'll definitely be reading more when I've got some time.

This is fantastic! My word, I'm sorry it took so long to get back to ya though! :) You have very intricate use of words and way of describing, very moving! Keep it up! :)

Blue Boy,

Of all the writing I have seen on this website, I think your style is among the best! I say that as a very tough critic. You have a lot of talent and I can see your words are carefully weighed and chosen. In fact, I am reminded of a poem in how they flow. My only critism about this story is that I would have liked to be hooked sooner, but I suppose I am an impatient reader.

Thanks and God bless,

D.S. Gibson
"Ascendance"

You have me intrigued. I will read your book and get back in touch. If you get a chance to read "Just Out of Sight", I think you would find it interesting as well. Let me know your impressions.
To an amazing future,
Craig (Bandof1)

I read the first two chapters of this and found it interesting: the idea of people gunning for Elvis impersonators is unique (and something everyone who has ever been to Vegas thinks about doing). Your writing style has a lyric quality about it that is almost poetry. It’s a “heavy” read, however; not the sort of book to read if there distractions nearby. I think the heavy tone happens because the world in this story has changed so much from the present day there’s a lot of back story which needs described. The question is: how much of this do you need to describe down front? How much could you save and reveal bit by bit? Chapter one, for example: your reader is told so much about the world, there’s little time to learn about Ransom. And that’s who your reader is most interested in.
Chapter two when the war against the Elvis Impersonators is revealed is really when the story begins. Notice how the pace picks up at that point, although I’m not sure you need to describe the tunnel leading to the sanctuary in such detail. Overall, I liked this a lot. Just wish you had gotten to the meat of the story sooner.

I'm just another wantabe writer, but this reads fine to me. The writing flows well and reads as good as other stuff I've read that's been published. I can't read the whole thing as reading off a screen is not my preferred medium, but it's certainly something I think would hook me in were it inked onta paper. I don't know if I'm that fussed on the pitch though - a minor quibble. All the best with this.

Jonny Sambuca - No Exit ta Bleak City

I like this a great deal. The story is compelling, the beginning doesn't pull me in like I would like, but there is enough there for me to press on and stay interested. Also, your style and voice are wonderful and keeps me held into your story as it unfolds.

I would suggest getting rid of the subtitle of the book. It's a small thing, but I don't think it is necessary.

Ideas to make it better:
- I find this phrase confusing "He brought a picture of her to show him, to see if he would remember". Who is he showing the picture to? himself? [Edit: I figured out this meant show it to the captain. Maybe reword it so it's a little less confusing to a new reader]
- "Coming to the Republic to improved their life quality" - change 'Improved' from past tense to present tense
- You do a good job explaining WHAT happened but WHY would an archbishop of the Catholic church try and take over California? This feeling of "It doesn't seem right" keeps me from getting drawn in.

Overall it is a good writing style and I like the plot. I'll put it on my bookshelf.
Peace,
~Kris

I'm new here .. as of this morning .. and so am still finding my way around. I don't see a comment section for profiles, though I think it's a wonderful idea.

Your profile, your words, your "voice," are truly compelling. Makes me want to read more, most definitely. You cause a smile and a thought-provocation at the same time, in the same sentence. I love that style.

I also loved your poem of the day. It probably sounds not-so-nice to say that most poetry causes me to breeze on by with barely a glance .. though I love poetry and write it as well. To have a poem stop me and almost-literally demand that I "listen" is quite something.

Thank you for sharing and for dropping by~!~
Lauren (CALLED)

You tell a very good story - and you write well.
I love your vivid turns of phrase: "the sound of wails... pushed hard against Ransom's mind."
I also enjoyed the intimate insight into Rowan's mind when he interacts (or not) with Lily.

It is just my kind of book, and I'm putting it on my bookshelf, to read to the end.

I hope you will take the following in the spirit with which it is offered...

Your paragraphs, though beautifully descriptive, are long. I've often been encourage to "show, not tell". I wonder, if you occasionally adopted this technique, whether readers would feel less as if they were plodding onwards.

For example, your story of Ransom and the vagrants, or his venture into the depths of the barn, might engage readers' attention better if things happened in front of their eyes, instead of suffering continuous authorial narrative.

Some little things...
Put all speech on a new line. It breaks up the page, making for easier reading
Be sure not to stray unnecessarily from the POV: "The old fella could tell Ransom was heartsick".
Do you mean absence not "absents", altar not "alter", and haunches not "hunches"?

Jane. (Breath of Africa)

blue boy -

The Age of Rhinestone - I liked the beauty of the writing and the subtle humour and depth of this story before. It seems more work has been done to made the scenes chime even more. Caught up with well deserved rating.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

I liked the first chapter, nice hook in... Added to my watch list as bookshelf fullat mo, but have 6 star rated.. nice one I like and will return to read more

Blueboy,
Very Poetic writing. Your words paint a picture of the scene. I got a little lost in the descriptions of all the wars, but the background setting was made very clear with the line about dieting. I would like to see something about the picture a little earlier in the chapter. - I'll keep reading!! It is interesting so far!

Blueboy,

An evocative opening and a pleasing style. The Age of Rhinestone opens (in the second paragraph--I skipped the first para as static description) as the kind of story I like to read: Its narrative drive and thoughtful tone are established with that first sentence: "Ransom had been watching.."

The drive falters at "When it started..." but resumes at "When it was closer...". I was recently blown away by Gary Shteyngart's True But Sad Love Story, at the way he slips all the cultural dislocation and stage-setting information into his narrative so artfully and painlessly .

Perhaps I'll read more later, but right now I'm looking for more writing like yours. I'm going to rummage through your bookshelf.

ereim

Hi Blue Boy,

This is certainly gripping. You've added a little suspense in the beginning because we don't know if the captain will recognize the woman in the picture. Ransom spent many days and nights on the beach and had such high hopes that the woman in the photograph would be recognized.

I also loved the detailed accounting of 2020 and what might become of the world by them. Is your message by any chance to 'head East' for greener pastures and a brighter future? Much of the west coast had already been separated and reprocessed with so many different groups vying for power.

You ended chapter 1 by saying "...(the wind) leaving a chill in its wake before speeding away east." Therefore I wondered if your message might be that the resources of the west and California in particular have been overused and exhausted by 2020.

This is very well-written. I backed it sometime ago, and it's back on my shelf now.

Cynthia
Sharing Short Stories

You write very well, but your story, it's only the run of the mill. There has been far, far better books gone before you onto the E'ds desk and I'm sorry to say none have been published. H.C do advertise for self publish, with this book it will be your only way. I'm not one for giving out flatery, but happy if I'm wrong.

Okay this is just a comment, I give running comments as I go along and I'm still in Chapter 2. You have a lot to say and you say it. You write like Thomas Wolfe. You describe every thought to the last detail, sometimes not leaving anything to the imagination. Is that good? I dunno. Depends on the reader, I guess. What is good, though, is that you write well. That makes a big difference, especially when you're reading a long chapter. Your interest builds slowly, but there's enough there now for me to want to go further. Will comment again soon.

Old Bob
A PLACE IN LIFE

Blue Boy, what a great premise! I can't imagine that you haven't been able to interest an agency in your work. Your writing is what we all strive for. Your voice is smooth and confident. Your descriptive phrases ,edit-perfect. You build great suspense and set the hook perfectly at the end of the chapter. This is one book I will back as soon as I have room on my shelf. I'll even read the whole thing, I think it's that good.

I'm almost embarrassed to ask, when you have a moment, to take a look at my book, A PLACE IN LIFE. I'd appreciate your impression of my first novel and, I assure you, I can handle any criticism you may offer.

Good luck with your book. Best I've read on this site so far.

Old Bob
A PLACE IN LIFE

Blue, far too clever I think for the likes of me, but that said, you skim it along at one hell of a pace, and I was curiously drawn to the whole strange idea. Brilliant descriptions of characters and locations which helps with orientation in the first two chapters where there is minimal dialogue. I do hope that you do well this. On my W/L
Babs

I will say right out that this is an unusual book. The pace is terrific. It just relentlessly carried me along. I don't know whether I like that but it is a mighty intriguing and intelligent read. The description is very good. The first chapter is excellent. But it becomes exhausting to keep going. You describe everything and there is little dialogue. I honestly think you need to edit it somehow in order not to exhaust the reader. I cannot imagine how you have managed to write so much! I will put this on my WL and keep an eye on it. I have a sneaky feeling it is on its way up. Good luck. Fontaine.