A Bird in the Hand

Dear Steven, I love the intrigue of what will happen to "a generation of kids in adult bodies... struggling to establish themselves against the tyranny of whatever their parents believed... Colin... resents himself for having let himself dissolve into such a culture... his feelings are ambivalent, though, as he simultaneously longs for his peers' acceptance... Colin lives with his grandfather, Simon who fights the inevitable fate of senility... in a last ditch effort to pay his taxes and have enough money to enjoy his years in luxury... obsessively gathers lottery data until he's confident enough to implement a scheme likely to work," as your pitch portrays. :) The 1st thing off, Simon bought 50 lottery ticket. :) "Simon was about 70" caught my eye because I'm 70 years old. :) As I read about Colin, I admired that he is creative in making so many partly finished projects & wondered if at the end, he'll come out a winner. :) I got excited when I saw Simon doing a crossword puzzle, even though he had decided not to anymore :) - they are so good to sharpen the mind. :) I liked the Leo said, "Taxes aren't fair, and death isn't either." The "Social Security checks" was so good. :) I love most of all that you have written what Simon is thinking :) - that made me smile every time :) - his last one, "Don't" :) Great wonderful write!! :) Love, Susie :)

Dear Steven, I got so excited when I saw that you had backed my "Bible Verse Songs," but I don't see it on your bookshelf - was it on your bookshelf more than 24 hours for it to count as a backing, which is the new rules of authonomy since Oct 2010? :) authonomy made me re-write it 3 times, so if you had it on & it disappeared, they made me start all over again 3 times & hopefully my book is acceptable, now. :) I will read your book & comment on it & I have just gold ******-rated it. :) Love, Susie :)

Interesting, unique, different. Expect the unexpected and oh, of course, I should have known. Natural. Sick in a way, Yet somehow wholesome. Definitely has the feel of "I'm in the city" written all over it. No pun intended. Interesting inner dialogues. Interersting characters. Author leads into the story stroke by short stroke. Until there you are. Submerged. I will back this, yes I will back it. Give me a few seconds here.

F. Ellsworth Lockwood
"The Final Cruise"

An incredibly engaging premise, full of character, life and simple pleasure. Your narrative voice stands out a mile, sound and strong, and if this were polished to tidy up the errors, such as those found in punctuating dialogue, and misplaced commas, then it would really come into a class above and beyond most other pieces on this site.

Backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx

A few thoughts on this first chapter: first the ending of the poem doesn't make much sense since most of the Beats were Religious in one form or another. Kerouac was a Catholic, Ginsberg was a Buddhist as is Gary Snider and Burroughs believed in the sevens souls of ancient Egypt. Some of the phrasing in your first paragraph is long winded and could be reworded or removed. And using the term Anyway to start off a paragraph is really not a good idea.

Things to consider: In your pitch, don't call your character "our protagonist" and if you think section 2 or 4 is stronger, you should strengthen the other section OR start in section 2 or 4. It was overall an easy read though.
xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

I took your advice and jumped straight to chapter 4. I could really relate to those waking scenes I get cramp in my calves which often wakes me from bed with a start and I have to make an agonising leap to my feet to try and get the muscle back to where it should be. You describe it brilliantly.
You are certainly an author who studies and explains with a microscope rather than a wide angled lens. Everything is detailed and you seem to cram an extra word into every descriptive sentence, which can leave the reader feeling a little overwhelmed but at the same time it also adds tension and intensity to the scenes so I can see both sides of the argument.
Your premise is interesting. I think you could add a little more clarity to the pitch. it seems you are trying a little too hard to impress with your writing style in the pitch instead of just telling us what to expect from the storyline. I can see a few of my friends who are not avid readers giving up on the book because of the intense vocab, but for those who love the written word this is will be a pleasure. As such I backed you.
David
Bailey of the Saints

If you read mine, I'll read yours.
a zoomer

This is a good story. I don't follow directions well so when you said to start at chapter 2, I, of course, started at chapter 1. And found it a good start. I think your characters are well done; it's refreshing to read a story about an older adult rather than young handsome guys (or werewolves or zombies which are also big on this site). You have a good writing style which I enjoyed. Like the warning "no plot is the plot" but I didn't need that. It's good writing whether it has a strong plot or not. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Chapter 1

Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and decide that this is a rough draft. I know, it's presumptious of me, but I really feel this needs to be combed over a few more times to get all the knots out, if you know what I mean. But it'd be worth it. Because there are a ton of great ideas interspersed within the narrative and I enjoyed the mental asides (the stuff in italics) and Colin's 'sniping' gimmick. Overall, though, it starts to read as just one mundane anecdote and clever observation after the other and, in my opinion, you could stand to focus on the bigger picture of the lottery scheme promised in the pitch. At least in the beginning. I dunno. It's hard to define, but I think your talent alone will put you on the right track. So just keep on trucking.

All the best

Cheers

John

Backed with pleasure! Good Luck!!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of my work) for a further read and possible backing of your book.

This is a very smooth and engaging read. Colin and Simon are great contrasting characters. I don't claim enough about grammar to nit-pick anything, but I didn't see any thing that needed work on. I think it's pretty good just the way it is. I'm interested to see what happens from here on out and where this all leads. It was a treat to read today.

Missy
Mark of Eternity

Steven, your first two chapters are a smooth read. Good narrative style. Opening paragraphs of first chapters are heavily scrutinized. My minor nits are with the second and last sentences of that paragraph: There's a stoplight outside (it)... The "it" is not necessary. Here's how I would reword the latter part of the last sentence: ...and probably crush some geese in the bay that are too slow to fly away.

Happy to back the potential of your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

It's an old-fashioned, even classic style- the author in control like a god and commenting on his creation. That's what I've learned since joining this site, anyway. But if you want to write something as detailed as this and look at the characters so deeply, there's no other way of doing it. Trying to convey all through dialogue won't work.
I love it. To be honest, it's the only sort of writing I would read from choice. backed. lynn

You write well and have a very individual style that I like a lot. The asides are great and the story is pulling me in. Backed

Your long pitch could use some work. It’s a horrible thing, pitch writing, but it needs to be done. I hate it, myself.

I’ll start by saying I can already tell I’m going to like this. The opening sentences are sharp and crisp and have no dead weight.

“get the green light more” could you add “often”? I had to go back and read this twice.

“don’t keep down it” Down what? That street? I’m a huge fan of simplicity, even sparse writing. But don’t sacrifice clarity.

“sidewalk/boardwalk” is really distracting. Make sure you have a very good reason to do that.

“In the bay too slow to fly away” did you mean to have that singsongy rhyme there? It doesn’t really fit your voice so far.

Numbers (50, 3) should be spelled out as words. I almost think you’re not doing it on purpose because there are a lot of numbers in here. If you want my opinion, if it’s a style choice it’s not working.

With the way you’ve been going so far, I’d have expected you to specify Simon’s age rather than say “about seventy.” And specify how many blocks away he lived. You’ve got a very specific style here so consistency is important.

“Simon’s grandson, Collin, wasn’t there.” Is wonderful!

“There is where Collin lived”? Where? This sounds like a Dr. Seuss puzzle.

One thing I’ve noticed so far, part of the power of your writing is the uncertainty mixed with the details. Make sure you’ve got that right because it’s important in something as stylistic as this. Again, “about ten years” threw me. I’d expected specifics there in line with how you’d been going so far.

You do dialogue well, it’s not cluttered and stiff.

“Dusty liked abstract art because you didn’t have to finish it for people to think it was done.” Awesome.

Did you mean to end chapter one at no ending? There wasn’t even a period.

OK, your style leaves us breathless so you might consider some frequent chapter breaks. It helps the reader not feel overwhelmed.

You’ve going something unique here and it could do very well I think, with enough attention to detail.

Best of luck with this.

Leah Petersen – Mourn the Sun

Colin WHO?
Simon WHO?
Their surnames are part of their character. I think you should mention the surname when you introduce the character.
The short pitch is overblown sciolism. Just summarise the story in one line. "A trainee FBI agent wants to use a serial killer to catch another serial killer." Get the idea?
Pace is rather slow. Am reading more.
Backed for now
Frank

I agree with Jared your premise is a good one and as I always say if the foundations are good everything else will eventually slot into place.

It was a tad slow for me in places, maybe that's because I write very tightly (too tightly) some have said, but if that is your style then why should you change it.

The opening paragraph needs to be an attention grabber, so you need to work on that a little.

Apart from that, with some editing (we all have to do it, mine's being done right now) this could turn out to be a good read.

Stick with it, read lots of books in your genre and you'll soon know where to make the appropriate changes.

Good luck

Melxx

You have some lovely characterisation going on in chapter 1. One thing that bugged me was that you changed from a present tense narrator voice to a past tense 3rd person voice and that threw me for a bit. Anyway, you have an interesting concept so I'm backing it. All the best, Sana

Hi Steven, The quirky voice, the characters, were certainly what the premise promised - these guys are doing art like play and their rapport is enjoyable to read. The lottery ticket and Colin's grandfather coming in at the end are like a frame to his day. I don't get the feeling of desolation or even disappointment. The interest in the small things and passersby depicts with that detail the love of big city life. There's word play here, although Dusty..."leaning on a folding table" and Colin "collapsing like a jointed tree" - I'm not sure what you mean there. This is very visual and entertaining! Shelved - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

The way the first sentence is written is a hook in and of itself. I liked that alot. The style is so eclectic it is interesting just for that as well. I think the storyline can go places too.

You do have a bit of grammer work to do. One point on that I will mention is that the rule for numbers is to use words instead of digits in most cases.

Good luck with this,
John Wickey
Future's End

This somehow reminds me of the works of Boris Vian, French author of the beat generation whose hero's name also happens to be Colin :). I like the interior dialog, the characters, the process that Colin goes through on the subway looking at the passengers...very creative, shelved!

Dear Steven Peithman,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m impressed you got that cascade of words to work on authonomy. I can’t even get my paragraph indents to line up. I sympathize with going slack-jawed and staring out into space, and I always feel sorry for people who buy lotto tickets. As a writer I also feel for Colin in his quest to create something whole and worthwhile. Colin gets a sympathy point for leaving his bag in the theater that featured the lame foreign movie. “Sniping” sounds like a fun hobby. Bottling the spider is one strange habit. I like your description of Dusty “contorted into an abstract tightrope walker’s stance.” Dusty makes “frankesteins” of paintings.

You have fun descriptions and sympathetic characters. My concern is that you may have chosen too quiet a subject matter. Typically, it’s easier to write drama in atypical and edgy situations. Instead, you’ve chosen what could be the life of many washed-out art-college grads. If you wish to portray such a life, then you must have no mercy. Make their lives absolutely as miserable as possible, to make the reader sympathize with them to the point of not being to put your story down out of fear what might happen next. Their punishment must be taken to the level of an art form. The third option, as far as I understand literary fiction, is to have the characters be delightfully insane. Bottling a spider is a good example of this method. Of course, you still have to make them miserable.

Writing is a process and sometimes seems like an endless journey. I wish you the best on that road.

Regards,
Alan Marling

The character of Colin is well-developed, but the plot moves too slowly for my tastes. It's hard to figure out what the point of his actions are. Nothing terribly amazing happens that piques my interest.

The initial part of the novel is in the present tense and then you switch to past tense out of nowhere. Just stick to past tense.

Be sure to use the proper literary style with numbers. Small numbers should be written out.

I think you should try shaking this up by making a major event happen early on that forces Colin to make a decision or change his life.

Good luck.

Brian
Mute

I enjoyed the opening paragraph--the description of the city streets with a touch of humor. Your descriptive prose is great. It put me back in New York.

Some tips: There's a small tense change in the opening, which could be fixed easily, and some minor formatting and punctuation issues (sorry, I used to edit books so it's hard for me not to notice these things), but the story is intriguing and your plot makes readers want to know more.

What I think I liked most about this first chapter is Colin's favorite past-time--"sniping". You make Colin stand out in the reader's mind by giving him something quirky to do, something many of us probably do but might not admit it. I suspect his sniping may come in handy later--or get him in trouble. He's definitely observant. There is nothing better than creating a memorable character, and that's what you've done so far.

All the best in success!

Cheryl Kaye Tardif, author of Children of the Fog

Hiya Steven, okay. I read all that you have posted. i enjoyed what i read...for a couple of different reasons...it's not different just for the sake of being that way. it comes at me like attempting a conversation with my friends when we were either stoned, drunk, both... Acute moments of clarity, dulled as the effect of the drug plays down the low notes.

That crystal perception and understanding that lodges in the brain for one perfect moment and is never recaptured.
That is Simon. Senility and the fear of nothingness. pathetic, sad and frightening. Colin is even sadder...he is so needy...or that is my perception of him...grasping at random thoughts as if trying to tie himself down to a moment..to belonging to something, somebody, somehow. So sad. this works...yet i am asking myself where..where are you taking us with it, are Colin and Simon immersed in a game to find who loses all concept of time space and place first? it is so good and so different but I need to know...is there an ending, is there a resolution. indeed is there a problem to be resolved...i need more of the story to feel connected. I hope that makes some sort of sense to you.

This is unique...and I like it...I just feel disconnected from it at the moment.
Suzannah.

I think the thing I like best about this is something very few people manage to gettheir arms around: The dialogue AND the narration drift all over the place, just like the character's mind would as I see it from the picture you've drawn of him. I agree with the overuse of the name but honestly everything else about this is refreshing as written.

I also like that you tackle a range of character pesonalities and meld them into the same writing style and it works.
Peace
KB

Unorthodox and pleasingly so. Hints at a post-modern deconstructualist stance - I wonder if you've watered it down in response to feedback. If so, crank it back up. I think there is a nucleus of a real voice here so let it come out unfiltered and unique and create the opus. The rest will come. Does that make sense?

This is so well written and polished - I love what you have done!! BACKED

Check out The Cheech Room = I think you'll like it!

This book is very ‘visual’ that could have something to do with the sharp and sometimes unusual dialogue. A few missing , & . here and there. Colin has a very strong voice but suffers a bit from overuse of his name. I enjoyed the read loved Colin and worried about Simon.
Sue Mackender
Knowing Liam Riley

Your character development is superb, can you add a little more descriptive sound to your narrative? (saying that I’ve a bit of a thing about scenes being fully developed through all the sensors). This is a great, say it again, great story a little let down by the pitch, but please don’t ask me to write it, mines even worse – good luck with this

Famlavan – Museum of Old Beliefs

This is a fascinating story. Your characters are drawn in a very effective way, by showing what they do and think, and in this way you produce complex, real characters who absorb our interest. You do this mainly with Colin, showing us the various things he has half finished, then tracking him through his day, walking out of the film before it's finished, leaving his backpack with his laptop inside, going back for it, arranging to get it later, forgetting to because he's smoking joints at Dusty's, and so on. Interspersed with his unfinished actions are his attempts at writing, also unfinished or side-tracked to another subject. This is all amazing stuff. You show us Simon, at the start, in a similar way, buying coffee, filling in lottery tickets, going, as he calls it, 'slack-jawed,' as he forgets what he's doing. But in his case, we know this is to do with age and failing memory. You have an unusual and impressive piece of work here, which grips us and holds our interest from the first. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

I'm enjoying this..shelved..
Lovely to see a grand old man, nice insight
into the mentality of Colin and friends..Very real
and fascinating. Looks finished.
All the best with it then........Mikell Free

Before I started reading the first chapter, I took skimmed the second chapter. One thing that struck me was how frequently I saw "Colin" written. It's not a complaint necessarily, but you may want to use a few more pronouns or find ways to revise some of the sentences so that "Colin" is not so prominent. For instance, in one paragraph you start with: "Colin approached the infinitely repeating elevated tracks," then in the same paragraph you write, "A train going the opposite direction of Colin." Obviously, it's still Colin so, you could write: "a train going the opposite direction rumbled towards him. . ." Apart from that, I like your writing style very much. Some people will complain that you have a tendency to use too many adverbs (amazing how many of the writers on this site are obsessed with such a comment), but I have the same "problem." Your dialogue is realistic and moves the story along quite well.

I disagree with one of your reviewers concerning the thought process of Simon. I do think that the inner dialogue of a man who is beginning to lose his memory does run in a jumpy sequence like that. He may be correct about heavy use of commas, but when you are running through a lot of action in one paragraph (like the one that describes Simon buying the lottery tickets), you use them properly in the rules of usage and sentence structure. You may, however, want to break that long sentence up a little more.

I like the description of the competition concerning drugs. That happens with young kids. "Guess how many hits I took . . . seven, dude, fuck." It reminds me of an old song by Frank Zappa with the lines, "I'll go to Frisco by a wig and sleep on Owsley's floor, I'll stay a week and get the crabs and take a bus back home, I'm really but a phony but forgive me 'cause I'm stoned." Oh, youth and its pissing contests.

I could go on, but I think you get the picture. This is a very interesting story, I like Colin trying to find his way through the bullshit and Simon's attempt to gain security in the mist of losing his grip on the world around him. Good luck with this.

So far, it's interesting, at least, reminds me a little of early Vollmann. I think you have tremendous potential, providing you don't (a) listen to the 'oracles', and (b) cave in to the mediocre.
Criticism? The dialogue is not yet as compelling as the rest of it., and you have plenty to learn, but who doesn't, and who wouldn't want to?.
Go to it.
Rob

SHELVED!

JC
The Obergemau Key

This is irritatingly faultless writing. It gives the impression of aimless meandering but looking closer you see the intricate precision that has been applied.It's perfect. There were so many bits I just read before going back to savour- bottles of backwash being one. I loved the barn that must represent some sort of metaphor as well. I always think that when watching some artsy film. You manage to make an unfamiliar world seem like you've lived there your whole life. This deserves to be published so I can read it properly and not have to squint at the monitor. Backed with pleasure and watchlisted for life.

A Bird in the Hand
Steven Peithman

Steven,

Your pitches appealed to me and so I backed this firstly, on this basis. Reading chapter one was an experience. “Look at people in ways people are not likely to look at you.” I gave this line a lot of thought and decided it was poetic – subject to interpretation and from my viewpoint, felt that one would have to be the “odd”/"different from the norm” kind of person to be able to and to actually think of looking at people the way they would not look at him/her, although this is not an exhaustive interpretation by any means. Brilliant line I think because you made me think.
Fifty lottery tickets in one go is a bit much – as I read that I hoped that it would pay off for Simon, who has gone to that shop for some ten years but can’t remember the coffee is self-serve, but then again he is seventy years old. Then you switch to his grandson Colin. I like this section about Colin, who has been trying to make something for ten years – anything, a story, a sculpture, a painting. At the moment he is looking at a foreign film, thinking he has wasted twelve dollars looking at two French people driving on a motorcycle through a field of flowers – vaguely, this reminds me of something I saw a long time ago – perhaps the film is Jules and Jim? Whatever it is, he thinks it is a metaphor for something. “But what is it what is it what is it?” I like Colin. He is curious. Already I think you have two engaging characters in Simon and Colin. This reads to me like a gem of a novel highlighting the “struggles” of two generations for “security” and “freedom” (quotation marks employed because naturally these are subject to interpretation.) This to me is an interesting literatrary excursion into the lives of these two men – young and old. I enjoyed what I read so far and thought it well written, readable, individualistic with the hint of an existentialist theme. Will come back to read more when I have some time to spare.

Best wishes for success Steven,
Zan

Okay I read all you uploaded here.

I think you have a terrific premise. I think you have genuine moments of brilliancy. And I know the difference between praise and hyperbole. Praise is about the action and hyperbole is about getting a reaction. So, I’m defining brilliance as shining brightly with illumination. You’ve got sentences in here that are packed with wisdom - nuggets that make me sit up straight and eagerly watch you scratch on your chalkboard. I want to learn. I’m a student while I read. Your sentence about assembling a car out of tires is exquisite. I love your comment on too many vowels in foreign film titles. I love that you observe; you criticize; you aren’t snarky.

I like simplicity of your narrative. I like it very much. I has a great pace and I hear an echo of “this is the house that Jack built” in your prose. I like the rhythm.

Now - here are problems:

You love commas. Okay for pace but you use them too haphazardly to create a rhythm; you’ve created a sense of confusion and it reads like you’re tentative. Rethink the commas.

The opening passage about the grandfather in the store - works because you’ve created a realistic atmosphere. But the internal dialogue lacks authenticity and is affected. No one thinks like that. I think your use of fragments is expert here but the words just don’t ring true. Also, did Simon burn himself? And if he didn’t - and you wonder if I read you wrong - then you have to think the error is in the text. Writing must be clear.

You have talent. I can read it. It’s obvious. Would I read you? Yep. I want to read two drafts past this. Because, then you’ll be polished. You’ll have crafted a car with characters and a streamlined path that pushes me through your plot. Right now I see the engine and the chassis and four tires and a meandering path that requires a map.

But get this: I see all the parts and I’m confident you know how to assemble a great piece. Talent bro. I can see it.

Mark R. Trost
“Post Marked.”

Ok, I said I’d read and read I will.

You’re gonna get a longer comment than I usually do, and that’s because I see a few things right off that you could take a look at and I want to keep track so I write as I read.

I like the way you stagger the intro. Nice trick, not seen that before and it’s good hook, espeicaily because what it actually says is hookable.

Not sure if street numbers can be in actual numerical characters, but I do know that you should have used the word ‘three’ instead of the number three for ‘three creams’. I also think in speech it should be ‘Fifty lottery tickets’, not ‘50’.
The line that starts. ‘They don’t keep down it; they turn left or right. Is jarring. Who doesn’t keep down what? Well yes, we can think about it and work it out, but you don’t want your reader to have to work anything out right at the beginning. You can’t afford to have anything jar at the start, or anything that makes the reader stop.

I would definitely reword this line.

I think I’d also use ‘ten years’ rather than ’10 years’.

You switch with the words for numbers and the numerical numbers throughout this first chapter. You really need to get rid of the numbers. A two litre bottle of coke, three months, and so on. I’m not going to mention any more I see but you get the picture.

I’m not a punctuation nazi, I get enough complaints about mine, but you do use a lot of semi-colons, which I’m told isn’t the best idea these days. I culled a lot of them in mine, but you’re best being advised by one of the grammar/punctuation people on the site about that one. Just passing on what I’ve been told here.

Sounds like I’m being really negative but I don’t mean to be. Gah.. this is what happens when I do long crits... ok, your characterization is good. I’m getting to know Colin really well, and his little quirks really add to the character building.

Had to smile at Jack being a lesbian this week. Gives an insight into a character we’ve not yet met. Nice.
Also liked the way the phone call between Dusty and Colin earlier gave us an insight into Dusty. You do that well, throwing the bits in to build on later.

The small flashback is also good. Not too much, but just a snippet. Many people do flashbacks that are way too long (myself included!), but this was just right.

Ahh you finally did the one thing that drives me nuts, that I’d thought you weren’t going to do. You put text in (brackets) or parentheses if you’re North American. In fiction this slows the story and takes the reader out. It also interrupts the flow. I was taught this is a ‘no’ in fiction and I see so many people use it drives me crazy to read.

I like the side about the spider. These little sides you put in build the overall picture very well.

Extra ‘s’ after social in the line “what you have to remember is that suicide could be done by anybody at any social s place...”

And I arrive at the end of chapter one thinking, this is a great story, your character are fantastic, so well drawn.
Just fix those numbers and brackets then check the semi colon thing and you’re done...

I’m backing this because it’s very, very, good.

Lorrii

Steven, this is a fascinating premise and I'm immediately engaged by your pitches. Your line 'They are a generation of kids in adult bodies who refuse to grow up by sarcastically defending their immaturity.' would have been sufficient on its own as an inducement to read more of what you have to offer.
I like the unusual nature of the concept, even though it's immediately evident that it will need a strong edit to pick up the grammatical errors.
Concentrating on the story, the disparate threads of the narrative drift to and fro, characters observing and inwardly commenting on their surroundings almost at will. It's not by any means a conventional form, but that in itself is a plus point - I loved the surreal flow of words, ideas, shapes in the mind that you're offering us here. Two characters dominate: Colin and Simon, polar opposites who co-exist but retain their individuality, each observed as if by an off-screen narrator through the reflections of their thought processes.
I'm fascinated by this. It could go either way, but the ideas are wonderfully imaginative and you use language with great skill - the baby for instance - you don't say it was awoken by the noise, you say, 'the occupant's eyelids were gently eased apart by the sound.'
Backed for massive potential.
Jared
Mummy's Boy.

Steven,

A Bird in the Hand - Colin, the young, ambivalent who snipes characters from the street and tube ... an old man with a rubber face and a thousand yard stare ... and writes about their possible stories, gets drawn into the texture of micro-universes and makes minute observations. Simon, his grandfather, a failed artist who buys fifty lottery tickets at a time, gambling on birthday dates he remembers ... these are endearingly surreal images connecting the characters through the generation gap. The grammer is sloppy, far too many Collins, but you're aware of this and the editing cycles are planned. I'm sufficiently charmed by the creative play with reality to back this with pleasure.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

I'm backing this because I really like your premise. You haven't posted much, but from what I can see, too many paragraphs in C2 start with your character's name. It' s a little repetitive, but easily fixed.

SC Dwinnell, "Nobody Liked to Say"

PS..... LOVED the opening little poem. Great form and message.

TH

You paint a beautiful picture of the mundane mixed with the mind expansive. A great character portrait of Colin so far. I really get a sense of 'him'.

My one main piece of feedback is that you use the proper noun of Colin a little too much. EG..."This was when Colin played his game. Colin took a piece of paper out......... Colin.

To a point it makes the piece quirky, but in the end it got a bit to overboard for me.

Best of luck with this. Very interesting!

Tim H
Hellbound

Backed

Tim Chambers
Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes.

Steven,

There's an interesting here, but your pitches don't do it justice. There's also a lot of missing periods in your chapters.

I've popped you onto my shelf, at least for a little while. You have some serious editing to do, but don't fret. Editing is just a part of the process. An agent once told me there's no such thing as a great writer - only great rewritters.

Rodney

Thanks, I've tried to rework the pitches to give a more specific description of the themes. Editing is indisputably important, but I think that I should expand horizontally before I build vertically- that is, I should lengthen the overall narrative, before I start to delve into hammering out the intricacies. With more written, I have a broader perspective to edit from.

BACKED.

shah

Your pitches don't do this justice at all! It's a very interesting read and with a little bit of editing (but who doesn't need that?), this could go a long way! Backed and hope to see more.

Jessica Barton
Life Up High

Steven,

There's an interesting here, but your pitches don't do it justice. There's also a lot of missing periods in your chapters.

I've popped you onto my shelf, at least for a little while. You have some serious editing to do, but don't fret. Editing is just a part of the process. An agent once told me there's no such thing as a great writer - only great rewritters.

Rodney