Book Jacket

 

rank 5646
word count 79177
date submitted 24.02.2010
date updated 25.12.2011
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Fantasy, Young A...
classification: moderate
incomplete

Bounty

Harper Alexander

Forsaken. Condemned. Destined.

 

Scandalously accused of murder in his hometown, Godren is compelled to flee for his innocent life, only to take up crime for survival on the streets. He knew he would have to adapt - but he never meant to adapt so well.

Too late, he learns he has woven a reputation into the interests of corrupt professionals - namely Mastodon, the crime queen of the city. A sorceress of sorts, she has been avoided by the law more than hunted. But bounty hunters are becoming increasingly reckless in character, and, unbound by the particulars of the law, are realizing their capacity to grapple with her.

Due to their evolving nerve, Mastodon has put a price on their own heads. Godren faces a commission of leading a new breed of bounty hunter against the originals. Doomed if he refuses such a ruthless woman her wishes, Godren has little choice but to comply, when all he wants is to escape the injustice of the corrupt world he has been plunged into.

Will there prove to be no honor in survival? Or does fate work in mysterious ways, and do the forsaken still shelter secret ambitions?

 
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action, adventure, bounty hunter, crime, destiny, fantasy, fate, romance, suspense, thriller, urban

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Chapters

16

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16: Willows

Godren lurched forward to catch her.  He had given her quite a fright, but she was not opposed to him steadying her as she clawed for purchase on the wall that was slipping out from under her.  The rush of adrenaline she suffered made the drop a far worse fate than being captured by a stranger’s arms.

     Godren was all stuttering fright and apologies, having suffered quite the adrenaline rush himself.  Idiot, he chanted over and over again to himself, humbled beyond words.  What would he have done if he’d scared the princess off the wall and sent her to her death?

     Catris clung to him a moment, heart racing, but drew away once she had steadied herself, finally interested in identifying Godren now that the excitement had passed.  Recognizing him, a frown touched her face, but Godren was still  bubbling over with concern and self-incrimination and there was no hope for her getting a word in edgewise.

     “You must not ever forgive me,” Godren was insisting, “for I could not bear the injustice of it.  If you’d fallen, you must believe I would have jumped in self-sacrifice for causing such a tragedy, and that I’m humbled beyond repair from being responsible for causing you such a close call.”

     Princess Catris stared at him, waiting out his tirade of self-devastation, before asking the only thing she really cared about; “What are you doing here?”

     With all of his heartfelt remorse disregarded like insignificant flattery, Godren blinked as if slapped awake and opened his mouth only to find that nothing wanted to come out.

     Catris waited, steady gaze pressing him for a reply.

     Godren searched hard for one.  “I…was in the area, and I heard the music.  Then I saw you.”  He scratched his neck a little sheepishly.  “The wall just looked inviting.  With…you on it,” he finished, realizing there was nothing else for it.  “That’s the complete truth, I swear.”  He waited with solemn, earnest eyes, willing to accept however she took his explanation.

     She considered him for a moment before a sly acceptance softened her own eyes, though.  “Very well, then,” she said simply, letting it pass, and blinked up at him.

     She was stunning this close up in the moonlight.  With snowy teardrop pins glistening in her hair, and her white skirt all but glowing, she looked positively angelic.  Only her dark, midnight purple bodice interrupted the saintly consistency, but it was luscious and distracting in the opposite extreme, and Godren wasn’t about to point out that it didn’t match.  Only once he took a closer look at her skirt did he realize it was an underskirt, and was the real culprit for her mismatched attire.

     “Forgive me, your Highness,” he said, blinking, “but do you realize you’re walking on the palace wall in less than is usually…ethically desirable?  You’re before the whole city, if you don’t mind me pointing it out.”

     “A whole sleeping city,” the princess dismissed.  “Yes,” she laughed.  “I do realize.  But it’s impossible to get to this point with a mile of voluminous skirt wound around you trying to tag along and weigh you down, if you can imagine what I mean.  It goes to tatters on the branches of the trees before I even make it onto the wall.  Better just to discard it at the bottom.  Usually, of course, I don’t have company.”

     “Do you want me to go?”

     “No,” she objected reassuringly.  “It’s fine.  You already scared me out of my wits; what’s feeling a little awkward in comparison to that?”

     Godren shrugged his eyebrows.  “A valid point.”  He cast his eyes about what he could see of the palace grounds.  “Will the guards cause us grief?”

     “Guards?  Ah – no.  No grief.”

     Glancing at her a little quizzically, Godren tried to decipher her tone.

     “At least – well, not yet.”  When Godren kept considering her oddly, she gave in and cut to the chase.  “They’re asleep,” she admitted sheepishly.

     “Ahh,” he replied knowingly.  “I see.”

     The princess bit her lip.  “Though I do tend to lose track of time when I’m up here.  I don’t know…  How long has it been?”

     “I’m afraid I’ve probably paid much less attention than you have,” Godren confessed.

     “Oh,” Catris laughed.  “Well I suppose if we have intentions of staying out for any extended length of time, we’d do well to get out of sight.  The guards would never allow this, if they knew I came up here, and I don’t know what my father would say about my scandalous dressing habits.  Come on, there’s a place we can go.”

     Following the princess further down the wall, Godren found himself led to an overhanging copse of willow branches that dangled from an ancient height and spilled over to the outer side of the fortification.  Pushing the trailing branches aside, Catris moved into the snare of the graceful canopy.  Glancing over her shoulder, she waited for Godren to follow.  A little hesitantly, suddenly not believing his luck and questioning the wisdom of the princess inviting him to be alone with her, he moved forward to join her.

     “How long have you been drugging the guards?” he asked as he sat down among the draping branches, his tone halfway between conversational and conspiratorial.

     “Since last summer,” she replied, pushing a leafy stem out of her face.  “The nobles went on a spree and threw about two dozen parties, and I was tired of the attention those thrust upon me.  It became a constant thing, always laced up so I couldn’t breathe, dancing tirelessly with one partner after another until I was faint and starving and drunk off of the wine in their breath.  For goodness’ sake, they weren’t even my parties, but I was always the most sought-after dance partner.”

     “That should not surprise you,” Godren pointed out.

     “It doesn’t – just annoys me sometimes.  Anyway, I finally started going in my plain riding frock and pigtails, but Nell, my old nurse, got after me about my image.  So finally I contrived to escape completely.”

     “Don’t the guards get suspicious?”

     She shrugged.  “I think they fall asleep anyway, so they don’t want to say anything.”  She turned to him, suddenly both dismissive and engaging.  “So are you ever going to give me your name?  I grow tired of everyone always knowing me when I know nothing of them.”

     Godren’s mind blanked.  “My – ah – name.  It’s…plain, really.”  What was he supposed to tell her?  It was a miracle she hadn’t recognized him already.  Then again, it was dark.  Maybe that helped.

     “Well tell me something, if not your name.”

     “No, it’s…Ren,” he gave in, hoping that wasn’t too much.

     “Ren…” she brooded, considering him.  Then she accepted it.  “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you.”

     Paranoid, those words flashed through him full of warning.  But then he realized she must just be referring to their lack of an actual introduction in the square.

     “And do I get to say I’ve officially met you?” he asked, masking his scare.  “Technically, you haven’t actually introduced yourself.  Like you said, we’re privileged in just…knowing.  But I’d rather you gave me your name yourself.”

     She looked at him, then smiled.  “You know…I don’t believe I’ve ever done this before.  Introductions are always more of an announcement, spoken by someone else preceding my entrance to the room.  How unpersonable,” she remarked disapprovingly, scowling in realization as if she’d never thought about it before.  Shrugging, she cleared her throat in preparation and drew herself up with more dignity, facing him.  “I’m Cat,” she said, but her face crimped uncertainly.  “Is that good?” she whispered in perplexity.

     Godren laughed at her amateurish struggle, amused by her expression.  “That’s perfect,” he assured her.  “It’s a pleasure to meet you as well.”  He had to make a conscious effort not to stare, pulling his smiling eyes away from her and concentrating on the dark gaps between the swaying willow branches.  Suddenly he didn’t trust himself to say anything else, didn’t know how to go about making small talk with the princess of Raven City.  His voice felt clumsy where he kept it in his throat, and he had the distinct awkward quandary that he suddenly couldn’t decide what to do with his hands.  That perplexity struck him oddly – he had never given his hands a second thought.

     “So what warrants your notable choice of attire?” the princess asked, bold with her curiosity.

     Faltering again, Godren hunted for something suitable to tell her.  Curse him for jumping into the situation without at least half-way formed excuses ready at hand.  He had nothing for why he was so contrastingly clad in dark, battle-scarred garb in comparison to her last, much more noble impression of him.

     “I was…adventuring,” he said.

     From the corner of her eye, she cocked a sly eyebrow at him.  “Adventuring,” she stated, wanting more.

     “Absolutely.”

     “What do you do on these adventures?”

     Unable to meet her gaze while she pressed him so, Godren focused hard between the branches.  “Breeze the streets,” he started, awkwardly at first but gaining confidence as he plowed on; “Rough it with a few fellows I know, go looking for a thrill or two – noble thrills, of course.  Just typical youthful spirits stuff – braving all the dark alleys.”

     “What kind of noble thrills do you find down dark alleys?” Catris asked skeptically.

     Flattering himself with the story, Godren gained the confidence to look at her.  “Chasing away the bullies,” he said in a tone that asked ‘what else?’.  “Making the streets safe.”

     “So you’re like an…honorable gang,” she wanted to confirm.

     “Well,” Godren allowed, “one or two of the guys are…a little disreputable.”  Giving a rueful, dismissive shrug, he let that serve for the likes of Ossen and Mastodon and the rest of her company.  “Like I said – youthful high spirits.”  Cringing a little as Mastodon’s aging image taunted him about the half-lie, Godren tried to let the breezy branches distract him with their hypnotic motion.  He could feel the princess’s eyes on his face, though, and it was a trial to keep his composure.

     “Well if it’s a noble cause,” Catris decided, “one cannot really criticize a few youthful blunders of character.  Rebels will behave as they wish – if good comes of it, more power to them.”

     Godren cast her a sidelong glance.  “You strike me as a bit of a rebel yourself, your Highness,” he observed, betting that that’s what she was getting at.

     “Please call me Cat; I am.”

     He met her eyes, and grinned.  She grinned slyly back.

     Shifting as Godren took his eyes away, Catris pulled her knees to her chest and got comfortable in that position.  “So how does a fellow get himself invited to join these adventures of yours?” she wanted to know.  “Or do you recruit them?”

     Godren turned wary, seeing immediately where she was going.  “Well first of all,” he said, “you have to be a fellow.”  There, that ought to be clever enough.

     Catris shrugged, unbothered by the obstacle he presented.  “Not an issue,” she assured him.  “I can just command you to strike that rule from the book.”

     “Ah – there’s no book.  It’s a crude business, Princess.  Nothing you should get mixed up in, not with the image you have to uphold.  And anyway, there are more rules.”

     “What makes you think I can’t break the rest of the rules too?  I own the rules.  I own the law.  Call me Cat.”

     Were these spoiled traces showing through, a disagreeable side of the princess he’d been blinded of until now?  Or was this just her rebellious side?

     “I would not do something that would harm your position,” Godren told her.  “I would not disgrace your image.”

     “What if I commanded you to, as the princess and heir of Raven City?” Catris challenged.  “You cannot refuse that.”

     “Can’t I?”

     “I could put you behind bars.”

     “I would go.”

     Her mouth turned stubborn, and she looked for a rebuttal to pose against that.  “What if I just showed up, and tagged along?”

     “I would bend over backward to keep you out of harm’s way.  That is not a responsibility I would ignore, regardless of how it fell upon me.”

     After a moment of humbled consideration, the princess ducked her head in appreciation, all spoiled traces of demanding gone.  “I would not put you through the trouble,” she relented.  “It would be wicked of me, with you vowing noble things like that.  Because I know how much trouble I can be.  I’m afraid it delights me.”  Resignedly, she drew on a smile of acceptance.  “Well if you won’t take me along, you must promise to continue stopping by once in awhile to recount these adventures.  I want to hear about them.”

     An invitation to return was too tempting.  The fact that he would either have to make up stories and lie to the princess or risk disclosing discretional pieces of truth was only a minimal bother in the back of his smitten mind.  He knew it would flare into an issue later, but he was not about to deny the princess her wish.

     “I shall,” he agreed, stricken by a humble ache at his raging luck.  He swallowed, and the princess considered him once again.  When she did not remove her eyes, he finally grew self-conscious and looked at her.  “What?”

     Concentration creased her eyes.  “I find I’m struck by a strange sense of familiarity about you,” she told him, then laughed.  “But that’s silly.  Of course you’re familiar to me, seeing as you are the one I kissed in the middle of the town square.”

     He laughed in turn, but pulled his face away, cautious of her recognition.  He prayed it would blow over this easily, wishing she would stop scrutinizing him.

     Letting it go, Catris rested her chin on her knees and gazed through the branches.  A silent minute passed between them as they sat on the wall.  Godren was hounded by a voice that insisted he take up the silence, that he was wasting a priceless opportunity with every idle second, taking it for granted.  Here he was with the princess of Raven City, and what was he making of it?

     The breeze died, and music reached his ears once again.  “What’s the occasion?” he asked, tilting his head in the direction of the palace.

     “My extended birthday celebration,” Catris said with a roll of her eyes and a bit of a sigh.  “The nobles have outdone themselves again.  It starts with one of them organizing a perfectly legitimate, congratulatory event, and then it turns into a competition as everyone else tries to throw a better party.  They’ll take any excuse they can get their hands on to indulge in festivities, but of course there’s no point unless they endeavor to outdo the preceding event.”

     “What do they think of you skipping out on an event in your own honor?”

     “My honor,” the princess said, “is merely the best excuse floating around the palace grounds.  One must only declare their actions are ‘in my honor’, and they’re met with heartfelt approval and enthusiasm.”  Suddenly her serious, dry manner turned woefully dramatic.  “I am used,” she lamented, voice full of despair.

     “Does it bother you?” Godren wanted to know.  “Really?”

     Her drama fell limp, and a grin tugged at her mouth.  “If I let myself be a victim to it, it would.  But I have ways of holding my own.”

     Godren could imagine.  Catris did not strike him as a damsel prone to much distress.

     “You haven’t called me Cat yet,” the princess pointed out, still intent on it.

     “To be honest, I can’t quite make myself,” Godren admitted.  “I would not want to pay you any disrespect by using anything less than your esteemed title, but aside from that I rarely call new acquaintances by name until we’ve gotten to know one another a little better anyway.”

     “Are you trying to say relationships are something you approach with care and take at a discretional pace?”

     “Absolutely.”

     “Hypocrite.”

     “I beg your pardon?”

     “You kissed me on our first meeting,” she reminded him.

     Curse him, she had a point.  He had smoothly trapped himself with his own words.  Blinking, he looked for a way to smooth it over.  He had no defense, though.  She was absolutely right.  “Not that it justifies it, but I never dreamed there would be any relationship,” he said at last.  “But I had the opportunity, and – what can I say?  Youthful high spirits; they’re a curse.”

     “So at what stage will you start believing in our relationship?”

     Godren thought.  “Now, I suppose.  We’ve been introduced…held two conversations…learned a bit about each other.  And there are tentative meetings planned in our future.  Sounds substantially established enough to me.”

     “I agree.  What does that make us?  Acquaintances at this stage?”

     “I suppose.  Though circumstances do seem a little abnormal, seeing as we have kissed and I already know I’d die for you.  But we don’t have to count the kiss.  And I suppose you could count on most anyone pledging to die for you.  So yes, acquaintances.  If that suits your Highness.”

     “Cat,” she stressed.  “And yes, it suits me fine.”

     “Do your other acquaintances call you Cat, my lady?”

     “Some of them.  The ones I like.  The others don’t have permission.”

     “I’m…flattered by the privilege.”

     “But still not tempted enough?”

     “Tempted, surely.  But it still feels wrong.”

     “Must I remind you I’m the princess of Raven City?”

     “Yes.  It gets hazy with you always insisting I call you Cat.”

     She cocked a dryly quizzical brow at him, appreciating his humor but not willing to tolerate it.     “Very smooth, Cleversticks.  But you will call me Cat.  I don’t like all the flowery alternatives.”

     “What about in public?”

     “Our relationship is taking place on a dark wall behind a secretive veil, with no one but the drugged guards to bear witness.  When and if we are ever seen together in public again, you may use your discretion.  But don’t flatter yourself too much – I never said anything about being together in public.  You’re dreaming now, Ren.”

     Her sudden shielding attitude surprised him a little, but he was glad to see it.  At least she showed some evident trace of using discretion when it came to fraternizing with strangers.  When she was so common a target and tempting a victim, she ought to practice some caution and illustrate some limits.  Who knew what assassins and general opportunists would jump at the areas she was leaving open in the situation she had granted him?  Godren wasn’t about to complain about the openness she was treating him to, but in truth she was lucky that he wasn’t a more corrupt criminal.  Because when it came right down to it, she shouldn’t even be with him.  Regardless of allowing the temptation in the pending relationship to influence him, he did not approve.

     “Of course.  I didn’t mean to imply anything,” Godren said.  Then, curiously, he inquired, “Do you know how to defend yourself, your Highness?”  Perhaps it was not a tactful question, and he didn’t know what she would make of it, but it was a concern he felt compelled to look into.

     “How do you mean?”  As was to be expected, there was a twinge of sudden caution, of wary vigilance, in her voice.

     “You do well enough proving you put your own discretional limits on pursuing relationships – that is, by calling me on prematurely suggesting we might ever be seen together in public – yet do you not think it is a more intimate state to meet in secret like this?  In the dark, with music weaving fantasies in the background?  It does not seem to bother you that I am a stranger, my background questionable, and that the drugged guards could never hear you scream.”

     For the first time, her sly eyes turned guarded when she looked at him.  He regretted that he might have just taken things too far and scared her away, but he did not regret planting due caution in her mind.  He felt a tension rise as the princess considered for the first time that his advice could apply condemningly to him as easily as anyone else, that the warning might be doubly significant under the surface of his words.

     The princess looked him up and down, and when her eyes returned to his, there was a sly light creeping back into them from their edges.  She sat there collected for another two moments, drawing out her composure.  Then she flung her forearm solidly into his throat, knocking his balance backward and canceling his wind.  Reactively, his hands clamped down on the wall to catch himself, and he found his unprotected face bashed in with an elbow, followed by the sound of a blade being scraped swiftly out of its sheath.  Recovering his balance, Godren’s hands flew up to deflect the knife, his vision still battered by black spots.  What he received was not in the form of the sharp thrust or slice he was expecting, though.  Suddenly he was under assault by the weight of grappling limbs and surprising brute force, progressively burdened until he was driven mercilessly over the edge of the wall.

     The next thing he knew, he was dangling on the inside of the wall with his feet a few meters from the ground, clinging to the ledge where the princess knelt over him with a knife in her hand.  Playfully, she trailed the weapon at the edge of his fingertips, as if she were going to use the blade to peel his fingers from their grip on the wall.

     “I don’t make a habit of needing my guards,” Catris said from above him, leaning down on her elbows so she was closer.  “Depending on others can prove frightfully inconvenient.”

     Godren grunted as his wind came back to him.  He hadn’t realized he’d lost it a second time; there must have been quite an impact between his body and the wall on his way down.  Doubtlessly he would discover the bruising all down his front tomorrow.  Craning his neck to better his view of the smug princess, he peered up at her silhouette.  “It was…just a question,” he managed, feeling his bruised breath rattle in his chest.

     Catris shrugged.  “Not my fault you didn’t realize what you were asking for.”

     Godren felt like he was growing heavier by the second, and his injured hand strained with the effort of holding his weight.  Inwardly, he cringed, anticipating a fresh tear.

     “So what…now?” he wanted to know, trying to ease his grip on the right side, but only ending up swaying right along with the willow branches.

     Removing one of the pearl pins from her hair, Catris held the decidedly wicked sharp end just above his hand.  “How would you like to go adventuring across the palace grounds?” she asked.  “The guards should be waking up, and you could catch up on a few thrills.”

     “I’d…rather not.  Thanks.”  Godren swallowed as he watched the pin hover over his skin.  The tip gleamed ever so slightly – poison, he thought.  He was decidedly wary of poison these days.

     “But it would be fun,” Catris insisted.  “Nothing to worry about – the king’s men are just fellows.  You’d get off the hook after I explained things to them, easier than if you were caught down those dark alleys of yours.”

     Justice is what I’m afraid of, Godren thought, but couldn’t say it.  “You would have to give away your secret,” he pointed out persuasively instead.  “And you would lose your privilege of escaping to the walls.  Trust me, your Highness, no one would like me any better after you explained.”

     “Hm.  Then I suppose you’ll just have to get away,” the princess shrugged.  It was the obvious solution.  “And call me Cat, curse you,” she growled for the last time, and dug the pin into his hand.

     The numbness so recently cured from his hand spread right back into it, fogging his bloodstream.  His grip on the wall faltered, then slipped, and the rough edge dug into his other strained palm until, with urgent resignation, he grimly let go and dropped to the ground, suddenly alighted on enemy territory.

     “Have fun,” Catris bade, and replaced the pin in her hair.

     Cursing, Godren rotated to survey the grounds through the sheltering willow branches.  The music had stopped inside the palace, and he could hear voices exchanging a report somewhere nearby.

     Suddenly he was not so sure if he was really very fond of the princess.  Instinct kicked in when the gravity of the situation suddenly intensified to a matter of him, as a wanted criminal, thrust into the midst of his most dreaded enemy, endangered on the grounds that were the very source of his condemnation.  Of course Catris could not know, but what if she had just doomed him?  Godren tried to keep his composure, and tried to forgive her in advance.  His eyes were grave as he watched through the branches, though, and noticed movement next to the palace for the first time.  There were guards on the balcony.  It was unlikely they could see him in the dark from this distance, but he was afraid to break from the cover of the trees.

     Then the voices he had heard piped up again, closer this time, and he moved up against the willow trunk to let them pass.  Their conversation proved they were the guards Catris had drugged, waking up and agreeing to check the grounds for trouble.  And like the princess had guessed, they didn’t want to risk treading too close to the subject of sleeping on the job, sheepish about slacking, and so decided not to mention the incident to the king.

     “I should have them reassigned to the mines,” the princess said from the wall once they were past.  “They’re a risk to have on duty here.”

     Ignoring her, Godren took his chance and forsook the trees, staying low as he swept along the inside of the wall.  Rustling willow branches, and the princess’s light, musical laugh, sounded in his wake and saw him off as he sprinted into the foreboding, lawful dark.

Chapters

16

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Sheila Belshaw wrote 1148 days ago

BOUNTY:

Harper,

A beautifully written story that captures the reader's attention from line one. I loved the mystery and suspense in the opening chapter.

You have a most attractive writing style and there's a pleasing blend of action, dialogue and exposition.
And impeccable syntax, which is why the prose flows so smoothly and rhythmically. I felt drawn to Godren, and the setting is vividly described so that you feel it is before your eyes.

I thought in chapter one - " . . . a cloaked figure appeared to catch the escaping entry in a significant, crushing fist . . ." You could delete significant which would make crushing all the stronger. And a bit further on, the word crumpled used twice in two paragraphs, jarred a little. Apart from this I found this delightful novel to be exquisitely written, and a joy to read.

Backed, with best wishes for your path to publication.

Sheila (Pinpoint)

carlashmore wrote 1149 days ago

I am happy to support such a deliciously dark and complex world. Godren is a fully rounded character and I was fascinated with the environment in which you have set this. The other point is that you can clearly write. There are some very effective descriptions and your voice is clear. Happy to back. Carl. The Time Hunters

Beval wrote 1151 days ago

This is excellent, you've given a whole new twist to the poacher turned gamekeeper story. Godren is great character, full of cynical world weariness, but I liked the Quenn of the Underground b est of all, she;s everything a ruthless villian should be. Just the sort of character you know you shouldn't like, but you can't help yourself for admiring.
This is highly readable.

Marie DuGar Bell wrote 1152 days ago

I found the story to be action filled and engaged the reader. There is an utter suspension of disbelief, which in my opinion is a good key, to a great story. I must admit, this story does take you away from everyday concerns. It takes you to a world unknown, filled with mystical characters. Thank you so very much for the read. I'm backing you with wishes for your publishing success! Sincerely. Marie - 'Mud Pies and Spirits'

Jared wrote 1171 days ago

I like the cover and the title while the short pitch could scarcely be more succinct. The long pitch is well presented and works well. I've read the opening four chapters and your ability as a writer is clearly evident. What a dark and dreary world this is - it makes the set of Blade Runner seem like a rural idyll. Very strong characterisation, memorable imagery, imaginative plotting and no obvious punctuation errors, this is very impressive. At the end of chapter three Godren protests his innocence and declares "my life is awry.' How true. I'd like to read a lot more of this. An excellent fantasy-based novel and one that will have great appeal to a YA readership in particular. This will do very well.
Backed.
Jared (Mummy's Boy).

Walden Carrington wrote 625 days ago

Harper,
While Bounty is a work in the fantasy genre, your narrative style creates a believable account. A very mysterious beginning lures the reader into this captivating story filled with suspense. The dialogue is easily imagined being spoken and your descriptions are richly detailed and create a fine work of fiction.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Joshua Jacobs wrote 665 days ago

The opening paragraphs are gripping. I had opened this up to debate whether or not I wanted to start reading another book this morning, and sure enough, your first few sentences made me want to read on. This is exactly what you want to do as many people will put a book down if the first page isn't interesting.

After the brief first person, we switch to third person where you once again grab your readers' attention. Godren is a fascinating character. I'm instantly curious about him writing in his own blood, and the entrance of the masked figure who grabs the fluttering paper adds a nice touch. Nice visual. By the end of the first chapter, you give us just what we need to know about him to become attached. I like that everyone is after him, and he just wants to be left alone. He's easy to sympathize with.

I like the line, "Godren awaited the transfer of custody, immune to the procedure by now." It opens the door to a lot of possibilities and gets your reader asking questions.

I'm impressed with how well edited this is. It was nice not having to jot down a bunch of notes. Not only that, but this is well-written. You're definitely a talented writer.

Suggestions: There are a few instances of telling that would be stronger if you showed us instead. For example, "Godrin's view of the advancing figure was jostled..." There were also quite a few adverbs that I didn't feel strengthened your writing. For example, triumphantly, dully, utterly, very. Your writing is strong enough without most of them. If you cut some of these, it will smooth out your narrative and quicken the pace a bit. Other than that, nothing stood out to me. Good work!

This is an outstanding start. Great writing, fascinating story, and gripping opening pages. Highly rated!

Pia wrote 871 days ago

Harper –

Bounty – … The raven feather run dry of Godren’s blood just as he finished the brief entry, and he slid the quill back up his sleeve as he let the scrap of parchment be snatched out of his fingers by the wind …
An intriguing system of Bounty Hunters who protect those who escape the law, like Godren whose reputation as bounty is well established, although he’s innocent. Once again, his captors have changed faces, only this time he is summoned to Mastadon, the dark queen/sorceress living beneath the city who commissions him to hunt the hunters … And by the end of the first chapter I’m totally captured by the mysterious and haunting ambience of this story.
… The man did not move … a fluttering at his hand, where the wind channelled down the alley and pushed through his dead, open fingers, snatching the scrap of parchment … Godren watched it continue tumbling down the alley, as he had meant it to from the beginning …
I read quite a few chapters. Most remarkably, the sparseness of physical character description heightens the atmosphere. Some polishing still to be done, but the voice is unique, surprising with brilliant poetry, humour and wonderful characters. I loved ... Stupid petal brain  or … the cat dashed off like a streak of black lightening.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Burgio wrote 1141 days ago

What an imaginative story. Good characters. Good settings. It's a good read. I'm adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

DKTD1 wrote 1147 days ago

I'll back this. I like the action, the premise, and the dialogue. No complaints.
Best of luck with this.

Shelved.
Dan
Demons and Other Inconveniences

Raymond Nickford wrote 1147 days ago

Bounty:

Harper,

The bargaining for one captor against another proved a compelling opening to Bounty and the crimimal fraternity portrayed in such a way that I felt a participant within the unfolding storyline and so shared the sense of jeopardy.
The gathering cats gave me a distinct shiver and indeed reminded of some local Siamese which, when they get territorial, make the most God forsaken whining noises that get right under the skin.
You create a frisson of foreboding of engulfing tension. Yes, a thriller all right and one surely to engage young adults with an appetite for good fantasy.

Backed.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

bonalibro wrote 1148 days ago

This story is loaded with action. Terrific.

Would be happy to give this my backing if you'll have a look at mine.

Tim Chambers
Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes

Sheila Belshaw wrote 1148 days ago

BOUNTY:

Harper,

A beautifully written story that captures the reader's attention from line one. I loved the mystery and suspense in the opening chapter.

You have a most attractive writing style and there's a pleasing blend of action, dialogue and exposition.
And impeccable syntax, which is why the prose flows so smoothly and rhythmically. I felt drawn to Godren, and the setting is vividly described so that you feel it is before your eyes.

I thought in chapter one - " . . . a cloaked figure appeared to catch the escaping entry in a significant, crushing fist . . ." You could delete significant which would make crushing all the stronger. And a bit further on, the word crumpled used twice in two paragraphs, jarred a little. Apart from this I found this delightful novel to be exquisitely written, and a joy to read.

Backed, with best wishes for your path to publication.

Sheila (Pinpoint)

carlashmore wrote 1149 days ago

I am happy to support such a deliciously dark and complex world. Godren is a fully rounded character and I was fascinated with the environment in which you have set this. The other point is that you can clearly write. There are some very effective descriptions and your voice is clear. Happy to back. Carl. The Time Hunters

Beval wrote 1151 days ago

This is excellent, you've given a whole new twist to the poacher turned gamekeeper story. Godren is great character, full of cynical world weariness, but I liked the Quenn of the Underground b est of all, she;s everything a ruthless villian should be. Just the sort of character you know you shouldn't like, but you can't help yourself for admiring.
This is highly readable.

Famlavan wrote 1152 days ago

What a grim world you have created. Just one thing, it is strangely silent, there is no descriptive sound in the narrative to create even more atmosphere (don’t know if this is deliberate). Your storyline is very gripping, just needed Ossen to be wiped out and who knows what would have happened. This is one gritty story - good luck.

Marie DuGar Bell wrote 1152 days ago

I found the story to be action filled and engaged the reader. There is an utter suspension of disbelief, which in my opinion is a good key, to a great story. I must admit, this story does take you away from everyday concerns. It takes you to a world unknown, filled with mystical characters. Thank you so very much for the read. I'm backing you with wishes for your publishing success! Sincerely. Marie - 'Mud Pies and Spirits'

Bamboo Promise wrote 1155 days ago

Well-written. Backed with pleasure!
A look at Bamboo Promise would be greatly appreciated. thanks

Francesco wrote 1155 days ago

Backed with pleasure! Good Luck!!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of my work) for a further read and possible backing of your book.

JLPenn wrote 1166 days ago

Great long pitch but the short pitch is too succinct I think. It doesn't tell us what the story is about at all, and I'm afraid it wouldn't grab the attention of an agent for instance. Work on that and you're well on your way! Putting on my WL to bump to backing. Kudos and best of luck!
-Jenn
Reunion

mongoose wrote 1167 days ago

This puts me in mind of Leon Garfield for some reason.... I like it a lot, very atmospheric, deliciously dark. Just a little bit of overwriting from time to time which slows down the read a little and might snaggle your young readers but on the whole, fabuloso.
Backed.

TheLoriC wrote 1168 days ago

I can't wait to get to the end of this to see how it all turns out! Totally addicting, and the plot is just fabulous. On my shelf.

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

lizjrnm wrote 1169 days ago

Normally not my genre because it sounds like a masculine read BUT my fifteen year old son and his friends just read it and they say YOU RULE! They loved it - what I can say is your writing is sharp and polished and this is extremely well written! You have a gift for descriptive prose! The boys are still reading since the entire thing is here and I'm loving their interest in reading on a Friday night! Thanks.
BACKED

Liz
The Cheech Room

Teric Darken wrote 1169 days ago

Greetings, Harper!

I had the opportunity to peruse Bounty, and I enjoyed the read! If I understood correctly, Godren is a scribe who dips his plumed feather into his blood, scrawls his entry on loose parchment, then allows it to sail where the wind may take it. A marvelously compelling thought! Wonder what would happen if you or I did that in our world? Interesting!

I should think that fans of Tolkien, Rowling, C.S. Lewis, and Ted Dekker's CIRCLE/LOST series of books would especially enjoy Bounty. Kudos on a novel well scripted! Glad I backed this!

Shalom!

Teric Darken

(K - I - L - L FM 100 / U-Turn Killur / Doopie Piper & Sissy Pants)

Abhyastamita wrote 1170 days ago

Good start! I liked all the trading one captor for another at the beginning. And I think one thing that really works for you are the names. Mastodon in particular seems like the perfect name for the leader of the criminal underground. And the setting is good too, with all the cats eyes glinting in the dark. Very creepy. I used to live in a place that had a lot of feral cat colonies and every time you'd go out at night, there they would be, just lounging around watching you. This reminded me of that.

There were a few things I had problems with though. You had so much good lead-up to the meeting with Mastodon that it might have felt a little anti-climactic when it finally happened. Also, Godren seems awfully resilient to be able to go from shackles to sauntering in to talk to Mastodon. I had the impression he'd been held by various bounty hunters for days, but I'm not sure where I got it from and I could just be wrong.

And there was one sentence that bothered me. "Godren's view of the advancing figure was jostled and misconstrued from the back of the wagon..." I don't think you can use misconstrue that way. It means to misinterpret, and he's not misinterpreting. He just can't see. He'd also have to be the one doing the misconstruing, whereas it's the wagon doing the jostling. So the sentence doesn't work grammatically either.

Otherwise I really liked it though.

scottkenny wrote 1171 days ago

Wonderfully dark, Harper. Your writing allows the story to flow in a filmic way and I could easily add
heavy black clouds and electric blue lights to the atmosphere provided. I also have to commend you for cutting to the chase, going straight to the story. That's the way to do it. Best wishes, Scott.

RichardBard wrote 1171 days ago

Yes, it's dark, but that's what makes BOUNTY so delicious. It's both gripping and well-written. Congratulations. Backed.

Richard Bard
BRAINRUSH

Jared wrote 1171 days ago

I like the cover and the title while the short pitch could scarcely be more succinct. The long pitch is well presented and works well. I've read the opening four chapters and your ability as a writer is clearly evident. What a dark and dreary world this is - it makes the set of Blade Runner seem like a rural idyll. Very strong characterisation, memorable imagery, imaginative plotting and no obvious punctuation errors, this is very impressive. At the end of chapter three Godren protests his innocence and declares "my life is awry.' How true. I'd like to read a lot more of this. An excellent fantasy-based novel and one that will have great appeal to a YA readership in particular. This will do very well.
Backed.
Jared (Mummy's Boy).

BDNelson wrote 1171 days ago

This is a well written and compelling story, what I had time to read. I wish you all the best with it. BACKED
By the way, I was drawn to your book by the pitch, good job!

BD Nelson
Abigail's Cries
The Autobiography
Scorned

David Fearnhead wrote 1173 days ago

You are the type of reader that I just enjoy reading when it's done well. It's as much a poem as a story. Yet there is not the sense that you are overreaching yourself as often happens. You obviously have a vivid imagination and the ability to put that onto the page. Nicely Done.
Backed
David
Bailey of the Saints

Telegraph wrote 1173 days ago

Brilliant and intriguing read. Once you've read the fird page your feel compelled to keep reading. Charcters and dilouge created a voice that is unique and hold the ones attention. C W Shelved.

lynn clayton wrote 1173 days ago

Can see that YA would appreciate it, but the prose and characters are so mature (in the best way) that it should appeal to a wide market. Beautifully written, atmospheric. Backed. lynn

scarletjg wrote 1173 days ago

I really like this, both your writing and the story. My only tiny nit pick is with your first paragraph. As some other author once told me, that paragraph is valued real estate and it should be the best it can be. That said, the word "change" is used four times right away and in quick succesion. Try using a different word, maybe "altered" or "morphed." I don't know, but its not good to use the same word so many times. :)

Shelved.

Janice (Blood of Eden)

Foretuneight wrote 1173 days ago

Wow, i found something...I'm surprised. "He followed the crumbling... "
Could be mistaken for a time line. Suggested change.... "His destination already determined; he followed the progressive decay and increasingly deteriorating condition and foul smell of the city's bowery leading him to The Ruins.

"...gone from inbetween." awkward.....suggest..."lay in heaps of debris in the cellar where he stood."
The paragraph after "Commission?" ....goes on too long and ends weakly and unconvincingly.

lathered on (it).
Correct.....Your a Most Wanted; in danger everyday of being...
This is an intersting game of chess and the POV stays with him but it does assume there is honor amongst thieves. He reveals himself and the end of chapter two as a victim. This may have been revealed effectively when presented with the oportunity to escape in chapter one. he did not wish to be a victim again and had learned that to deal with criminals, one had to be a more ruthless one.

I have to put it down for a bit but hope to be back. it is nice easy reading.

Foretuneight wrote 1173 days ago

Well there are no flaws in the writing but I am no expert. I want to read the rest of this but i see you faced the same challenges i did but with better success. The question is striking a balance of action, interst and foreshadowing.
It is purely subjective. I would prefer finding out more about mastadon later. Especally the fact she was a woman. I think you could have kept the character gender nutral and given the reader a surprise when it turns out the most feared person in the city is a woman. Just me.

As i am learning. The more you with hold the smarter an audience you are writing to. This currently feels like a teen book. Is that your audience? I do not know the age range of YA. But i see this with Dumas - The Three Musketeers range. Just a little darker -- everybody is bad. Like a Martin Scorsese film.

I am going to ask a favour. Can you pick a unique font and make it your own. I really don't like reading Times Roman. Again, subjective. To bad your in Britain. I think I'd enjoy hanging out with you. if we have another virtual party i will get you aon the guest list.

damaris13 wrote 1174 days ago

Such a dark and dreary world Godren lives in. I love it! I looked for something to suggest for you to edit, but I found nothing. This is very well-written and grabbing. Let me know when you get this published. I would love this book for my shelves here at school. I can imagine it jumping off the shelf quickly.

JLux
Finding Letta

berni stevens wrote 1174 days ago

A good original plot with interesting characters. Nice and dark, with supernatural elements - my kind of book.
I think this will appeal to adults and YA alike.

You might need to curb your adjectives a little - things like 'eyes narrowed dryly' - maybe just lose the 'dryly.' Other than that, your writing is strong with a good pace. Your dialogue is great, too.

Happy to put you up on my shelf and wish you luck!

Berni
Fledgling and Renegades

lizjrnm wrote 1175 days ago

Wonderful! I amso happy to see this sort o fbook in young adult. Mature but current. Writing is superb and polished. Great read. I think you would love The Cheech Room - right up your alley, similar to your on the edge style. BACKED!

R.C. Lewis wrote 1175 days ago

Nice concept! A little dark, definitely compelling. I got a little tangled in the middle of the pitch – couldn’t quite follow and had to start over. Nothing some small thoughtful edits couldn’t clear up, though.

You start the first chapter strong, right in the middle of things. I like the story, and you’ve got a strong voice along with some very polished writing. I admit, I like adjectives and adverbs (you might be told by others here to get rid of all of them) and contend that there’s more room for them in YA. But even I did a double-take at “staggered eyes” and “threatening stride” so perhaps give a critical eye to which are needed and which are not. Sometimes one simple word gets the job done more effectively than an elaborate phrase.

I jumped along through a few chapters and found the story continues to develop nicely. One other thing that caught my notice was in ch10 when Godren falls in love with the princess. Before, I was thinking of this more in terms of a thriller/fantasy cross, one that teen boys could enjoy as much as girls, particularly since the protagonist is a boy. The love-at-first-sight nature of this, though, might lose the boys. A little too “mushy” for most of them, I expect. If you intend your audience to be primarily female, then no problem, but it’s something to think about.

Regardless of these little nuances, I think you have a good, strong piece of work here, so I’m happy to put it on my shelf. Good luck!

R.C. Lewis (Fingerprints)

soutexmex wrote 1175 days ago

Throw both pitches into the forums and have people help you out with it. I am SHELVING in advance. I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

beegirl wrote 1176 days ago

Strong first chapter. Excellent hook at the end of the chapter.
Good pitch.
Barbara
The Sea Pillow

Harper Alexander wrote 1176 days ago

Excellent prose and attention to details.

This is something I’m researching still so I’m not sure how seriously you want to consider this, but the overall length of your manuscript seems above normal for YA. I’ve found supporting evidence it can be over 100,000 words, though I think the “norm” is 45-65k or under 80k.

Your narrating is very methodical and sometimes the imagery is a little longwinded. (Like a character might be described opening a door before they walk through it even though it’s expected a character would walk through a door when entering a room.) From chapter 14: “The stars were out and twinkling especially bright, as if the rain had washed and shined them, and the crescent moon was smiling.” “and the crescent moon...” seemed like a cluttering after thought to your beautiful analogy.

After reading your pitch I felt it was missing the element of a deadline for the character to accomplish X before his doom/destruction.



Thank you very much for the read and the critique! I don't know about research, but I read a lot of YA myself and most of it is longer than my work... I've also been told many times to stop worrying about the length and just let the story take its own course. But, notably, there is a market out there that will likely make demands, and it could prove to be a problem. In any case, I appreciate the feedback and will take what you've noted into consideration! Cheers!

clutzattack wrote 1176 days ago

Excellent prose and attention to details.

This is something I’m researching still so I’m not sure how seriously you want to consider this, but the overall length of your manuscript seems above normal for YA. I’ve found supporting evidence it can be over 100,000 words, though I think the “norm” is 45-65k or under 80k.

Your narrating is very methodical and sometimes the imagery is a little longwinded. (Like a character might be described opening a door before they walk through it even though it’s expected a character would walk through a door when entering a room.) From chapter 14: “The stars were out and twinkling especially bright, as if the rain had washed and shined them, and the crescent moon was smiling.” “and the crescent moon...” seemed like a cluttering after thought to your beautiful analogy.

After reading your pitch I felt it was missing the element of a deadline for the character to accomplish X before his doom/destruction.

clutzattack wrote 1176 days ago

Excellent prose and attention to details.

This is something I’m researching still so I’m not sure how seriously you want to consider this, but the overall length of your manuscript seems above normal for YA. I’ve found supporting evidence it can be over 100,000 words, though I think the “norm” is 45-65k or under 80k.

Your narrating is very methodical and sometimes the imagery is a little longwinded. (Like a character might be described opening a door before they walk through it even though it’s expected a character would walk through a door when entering a room.) From chapter 14: “The stars were out and twinkling especially bright, as if the rain had washed and shined them, and the crescent moon was smiling.” “and the crescent moon...” seemed like a cluttering after thought to your beautiful analogy.

After reading your pitch I felt it was missing the element of a deadline for the character to accomplish X before his doom/destruction.

Foretuneight wrote 1177 days ago

I can see why I Remember Every Word appealed to you. I think I would thoroughly enjoy your company. We appear to have like minds but I was a dancer not a gymnast.
I am going to send you a friend request if that's alraight. Not something i do often.

If you want a laugh, look at Uthonomy, my less serious book.

I think i will greatly enjoy yours. Funny how your MC is a man and mine a woman.

I hope you can give me some comments on I remember. I am certain they would be insightful.

kristinnb wrote 1178 days ago

This is very well done. Your writing is really good and the story is fantastic. The pitch throws the reader right into the story and the story definitely does its job in keeping the readers attention. Backed for sure.

Kristin
Demon in the Knight

R.A. Battles wrote 1178 days ago

After reading your full pitch and looking at your chapters, I'm happy to back you.

You might want to EDIT your full pitch and break it up into 3 or 4 paragraphs with a single line of white space between each paragraph. Doing so will allow readers to follow your key plot plot points more easily.

Rodney B.

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