Book Jacket

 

rank 5635
word count 79177
date submitted 24.02.2010
date updated 25.12.2011
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Fantasy, Young A...
classification: moderate
incomplete

Bounty

Harper Alexander

Forsaken. Condemned. Destined.

 

Scandalously accused of murder in his hometown, Godren is compelled to flee for his innocent life, only to take up crime for survival on the streets. He knew he would have to adapt - but he never meant to adapt so well.

Too late, he learns he has woven a reputation into the interests of corrupt professionals - namely Mastodon, the crime queen of the city. A sorceress of sorts, she has been avoided by the law more than hunted. But bounty hunters are becoming increasingly reckless in character, and, unbound by the particulars of the law, are realizing their capacity to grapple with her.

Due to their evolving nerve, Mastodon has put a price on their own heads. Godren faces a commission of leading a new breed of bounty hunter against the originals. Doomed if he refuses such a ruthless woman her wishes, Godren has little choice but to comply, when all he wants is to escape the injustice of the corrupt world he has been plunged into.

Will there prove to be no honor in survival? Or does fate work in mysterious ways, and do the forsaken still shelter secret ambitions?

 
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tags

action, adventure, bounty hunter, crime, destiny, fantasy, fate, romance, suspense, thriller, urban

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Chapters

21

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21: Leeches

Out of the shadows of the alley, a figure materialized and approached him.  Silent, composed, and radiating a practical grace, she knelt at his side.  Her skin dark as night, her eyes empty but gentle, she reminded him of someone – Lea.  The same smooth bald head and foreign manner of dress named her another of Mastodon’s servants akin to the woman who had healed him after the wolf attack.

     At first, because her skin was so dark, he did not see the many black lumps that adorned her.  But then, with a resistant sucking noise, she removed one from her neck and placed it where it could nestle into the hollow of Godren’s throat.  Squirming, it latched on, and Godren realized what it was – a leech.  Any other time he would have been repulsed by the little creature feeding off him, but since he didn’t feel anything anymore, inside or out, it mattered little to him.

     He did not feel the darts being retracted from him, but they appeared in the woman’s slender hands, and she put them aside.  Then she continued transferring leeches onto him, one after another.  When the parasite at his throat overdosed on the poison it was sucking out, it fell away, and she gave him a replacement.

     Deftly, she worked.  Godren could not feel what she did, and only saw snatches of it, but it didn’t matter.  Nothing mattered.

     Then suddenly, her silent mouth spawned words.  They were senseless, some sort of flowing gibberish that she chanted over him as she worked – her native language, no doubt – but he was fascinated by it, having had it impressed upon him until now that these dark servants of Mastodon were mute.  She had a beautiful voice – hypnotic, and he found himself sinking to a less aware rank of the dreaming world.  The woman and her leeches were still there, but the alley faded away, and he felt drowsy – the first time he had felt anything since the poison had swamped his system.

     When her eyes left her work and met his, her words abruptly started making sense and registering, no longer foreign, as if speaking straight to him formed a link of understanding between them.

     “Hold onto your soul, Venom Treader, for your blood is about to grow very weak.  Find the center point of your existence, and retreat there; it will serve you well as you undergo this ordeal.”

     Center point of his existence?  How in the gods’ names did he do that?  He couldn’t even think.

     “If your essence evades you, resort to your greatest desire,” the woman continued.  “Envision it, reach for it, focus on it with everything you have inside you, and refuse to let go until it is yours in this world.  But beware the danger of this last resort; many fall willfully short, their strength failing their mortal bodies but keeping their spirits attached to this world.  That is how ghosts are born.”

     Weakness started to pervade his body as the leeches withdrew the deadening poison but took his blood with it.  He regained the barest ability to think, but lost the will to put forth the effort it would take to do so.

     “Fight, Poison Lord,” the woman commanded.  “Want.  Your greatest desire; think of it.  Let it possess you.”

     A strand of will to obey swam through the darkness he wanted to drown in.  What he wanted…well, that was easy, wasn’t it?  It was the same now as what he’d always wanted, coinciding with his doom…

     But the woman at his side spoiled it with an insightful warning; “But don’t, whatever you do, think of freedom.  You will get it – you will die.”

     Already halfway there, thinking of it, Godren tried to throw up walls to block the death he had called so swiftly.  It had been hovering just beyond its breaking point, and rushed him at the first sign of an invitation.  He choked, inside himself, and instinctively fought the assault as the woman’s chanting voice rose in volume and fed motivating nonsense into his head.  She had a way of capturing the essence of something in her voice, so that he didn’t have to know the language to understand the impression of what the words meant.  Visions poured into his mind, spawn of the vivid descriptiveness she possessed in her voice and the artistry that formed her words.  A garden bloomed in his mind, and water streamed through his veins.  Wind buffeted him and unfurled a pair of wings on his back, and the urge to fly overwhelmed him.  Drums beat to the pumping rhythm of his heart.  As the wind filled his lungs and forced him to breathe, he felt the desire to run – run forever, because he would never run out of breath.

     Successfully filling him with the elation of life, of living and breathing and feeling, the woman moved on to describe beauty, adding attraction to the spell.  The reflection of a lake at sunrise glinted and rippled in his eyes, then the glittering depths of brilliant constellations.  He saw every detail of the blooming process of a rose, and marveled over the iridescent, fluid pooling waves of a green water until he realized it was actually a satin curtain flowing like liquid in the wind.  He saw patterns – on leaves and feathers and stone, in the sky and on the water – even in the wind.  Colors suddenly held such blinding, beautiful meaning, and a cascade of tempering snowflakes blanketed the world in lace.

     Then she described pain.  The art of her words created it for him, penetrating his numbness and stabbing him so fiercely that his livelihood flared.  It was only an illusion, but it was stronger than anything he had ever felt.  He would do anything to escape that pain, but he couldn’t – so he lived.  It kept him awake, kept him agonizingly anchored to the world.  Needles dug at his skin and soul-wrenching cramps twisted his innards.  Through the darkness, through the otherwise numb curse on his body and paralyzed ability to do anything, he found his voice in the depths of his being and screamed.  Mercilessly, the voice causing the pain intensified to be heard over his cry, keeping the agony steady.  He wanted to writhe, wanted to cower, but could not move a muscle, couldn’t ease one relieving inch away from the anguish.  It hounded him – beating him and stabbing him, eating him from the inside out, wrenching him apart.

     He hardly realized when it started abating; his body still rang with it.  But it finally registered that the cruel voice had relented to a murmur, and as it trailed off into a whisper he dared to hope he might soon feel the effects of relief.  When the intensity did slack off, he still felt like steam should be rising from his body, like he should be trembling regardless of paralysis.  Like his voice should be bleeding from the raucous volume of his tormented cry.

     “Now,” his uncanny healer said indifferently; though, the gentleness had never left her eyes – even as the intensity of her spell shared them.  “Think of something you want.  In the same way you just learned to avoid longing for freedom, avoid longing for relief now.  Be strong.  Envision something of a different nature – something beautiful, perhaps.  That makes it easy, both to envision and to desire.”

     Without having to execute any effort, a vision of the princess established itself in his mind.  It was at once vivid and striking, capturing his focus.  She was radiant – the sun in her skin and the depths of the sky in her eyes.  She smiled at him, and her eyes creased, giving her features a slightly exotic angle.  There was mischief in those eyes, but also sincerity.  A true rebel at heart, but fiercely loyal to the people who demanded practicality of her.

     Someone who, while demonstrating that truly noble love for her people, fell in love with a criminal.

     The thought of Ossen deceiving her, of him taking advantage of her ignorance and rebelliousness and being an immoral influence, corrupting her…that planted a seed of resistance, of opposition, in Godren’s deadened mind.  It was just a shred of purpose that called for action – which called for staying alive – but it was the last straw in this business with Ossen, which, as it sent him over one edge, was ironically what held him balancing precariously on another – that of survival.  There were two personal sides to it: the opposition that had always festered between them, and the coincidental element of the princess, which they were both coming at from different angles than that of the usual rivalry.  Then there was the bigger picture, which instilled more of a moral responsibility in him for knowing the aspects than it did personal drive for being emotionally stricken by them; the fact that the princess of Raven City was unknowingly falling into the arms of those who would use her.  Treacherously and ruthlessly, they would use her.  Regardless of if Ossen would actually ever contrive to harm her or not had he not been a victim of blackmail – Godren would never trust him for a minute, even then – he knew Mastodon would dig her claws in as soon as it fit her interests, and she would never let go.  The princess would be at her mercy, a wretched puppet on a string, and Mastodon could wrench the nation apart and turn it upside down through her.

     So he clung to the image of Princess Catris, letting it possess him, letting her hold onto him.  And as the leeches drained him, weakening him and sending him under again, he dreamed deeper, more pleasant dreams of her.

Chapters

21

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Sheila Belshaw wrote 1153 days ago

BOUNTY:

Harper,

A beautifully written story that captures the reader's attention from line one. I loved the mystery and suspense in the opening chapter.

You have a most attractive writing style and there's a pleasing blend of action, dialogue and exposition.
And impeccable syntax, which is why the prose flows so smoothly and rhythmically. I felt drawn to Godren, and the setting is vividly described so that you feel it is before your eyes.

I thought in chapter one - " . . . a cloaked figure appeared to catch the escaping entry in a significant, crushing fist . . ." You could delete significant which would make crushing all the stronger. And a bit further on, the word crumpled used twice in two paragraphs, jarred a little. Apart from this I found this delightful novel to be exquisitely written, and a joy to read.

Backed, with best wishes for your path to publication.

Sheila (Pinpoint)

carlashmore wrote 1154 days ago

I am happy to support such a deliciously dark and complex world. Godren is a fully rounded character and I was fascinated with the environment in which you have set this. The other point is that you can clearly write. There are some very effective descriptions and your voice is clear. Happy to back. Carl. The Time Hunters

Beval wrote 1155 days ago

This is excellent, you've given a whole new twist to the poacher turned gamekeeper story. Godren is great character, full of cynical world weariness, but I liked the Quenn of the Underground b est of all, she;s everything a ruthless villian should be. Just the sort of character you know you shouldn't like, but you can't help yourself for admiring.
This is highly readable.

Marie DuGar Bell wrote 1157 days ago

I found the story to be action filled and engaged the reader. There is an utter suspension of disbelief, which in my opinion is a good key, to a great story. I must admit, this story does take you away from everyday concerns. It takes you to a world unknown, filled with mystical characters. Thank you so very much for the read. I'm backing you with wishes for your publishing success! Sincerely. Marie - 'Mud Pies and Spirits'

Jared wrote 1176 days ago

I like the cover and the title while the short pitch could scarcely be more succinct. The long pitch is well presented and works well. I've read the opening four chapters and your ability as a writer is clearly evident. What a dark and dreary world this is - it makes the set of Blade Runner seem like a rural idyll. Very strong characterisation, memorable imagery, imaginative plotting and no obvious punctuation errors, this is very impressive. At the end of chapter three Godren protests his innocence and declares "my life is awry.' How true. I'd like to read a lot more of this. An excellent fantasy-based novel and one that will have great appeal to a YA readership in particular. This will do very well.
Backed.
Jared (Mummy's Boy).

Walden Carrington wrote 629 days ago

Harper,
While Bounty is a work in the fantasy genre, your narrative style creates a believable account. A very mysterious beginning lures the reader into this captivating story filled with suspense. The dialogue is easily imagined being spoken and your descriptions are richly detailed and create a fine work of fiction.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Joshua Jacobs wrote 669 days ago

The opening paragraphs are gripping. I had opened this up to debate whether or not I wanted to start reading another book this morning, and sure enough, your first few sentences made me want to read on. This is exactly what you want to do as many people will put a book down if the first page isn't interesting.

After the brief first person, we switch to third person where you once again grab your readers' attention. Godren is a fascinating character. I'm instantly curious about him writing in his own blood, and the entrance of the masked figure who grabs the fluttering paper adds a nice touch. Nice visual. By the end of the first chapter, you give us just what we need to know about him to become attached. I like that everyone is after him, and he just wants to be left alone. He's easy to sympathize with.

I like the line, "Godren awaited the transfer of custody, immune to the procedure by now." It opens the door to a lot of possibilities and gets your reader asking questions.

I'm impressed with how well edited this is. It was nice not having to jot down a bunch of notes. Not only that, but this is well-written. You're definitely a talented writer.

Suggestions: There are a few instances of telling that would be stronger if you showed us instead. For example, "Godrin's view of the advancing figure was jostled..." There were also quite a few adverbs that I didn't feel strengthened your writing. For example, triumphantly, dully, utterly, very. Your writing is strong enough without most of them. If you cut some of these, it will smooth out your narrative and quicken the pace a bit. Other than that, nothing stood out to me. Good work!

This is an outstanding start. Great writing, fascinating story, and gripping opening pages. Highly rated!

Pia wrote 876 days ago

Harper –

Bounty – … The raven feather run dry of Godren’s blood just as he finished the brief entry, and he slid the quill back up his sleeve as he let the scrap of parchment be snatched out of his fingers by the wind …
An intriguing system of Bounty Hunters who protect those who escape the law, like Godren whose reputation as bounty is well established, although he’s innocent. Once again, his captors have changed faces, only this time he is summoned to Mastadon, the dark queen/sorceress living beneath the city who commissions him to hunt the hunters … And by the end of the first chapter I’m totally captured by the mysterious and haunting ambience of this story.
… The man did not move … a fluttering at his hand, where the wind channelled down the alley and pushed through his dead, open fingers, snatching the scrap of parchment … Godren watched it continue tumbling down the alley, as he had meant it to from the beginning …
I read quite a few chapters. Most remarkably, the sparseness of physical character description heightens the atmosphere. Some polishing still to be done, but the voice is unique, surprising with brilliant poetry, humour and wonderful characters. I loved ... Stupid petal brain  or … the cat dashed off like a streak of black lightening.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Burgio wrote 1145 days ago

What an imaginative story. Good characters. Good settings. It's a good read. I'm adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

DKTD1 wrote 1151 days ago

I'll back this. I like the action, the premise, and the dialogue. No complaints.
Best of luck with this.

Shelved.
Dan
Demons and Other Inconveniences

Raymond Nickford wrote 1152 days ago

Bounty:

Harper,

The bargaining for one captor against another proved a compelling opening to Bounty and the crimimal fraternity portrayed in such a way that I felt a participant within the unfolding storyline and so shared the sense of jeopardy.
The gathering cats gave me a distinct shiver and indeed reminded of some local Siamese which, when they get territorial, make the most God forsaken whining noises that get right under the skin.
You create a frisson of foreboding of engulfing tension. Yes, a thriller all right and one surely to engage young adults with an appetite for good fantasy.

Backed.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

bonalibro wrote 1153 days ago

This story is loaded with action. Terrific.

Would be happy to give this my backing if you'll have a look at mine.

Tim Chambers
Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes

Sheila Belshaw wrote 1153 days ago

BOUNTY:

Harper,

A beautifully written story that captures the reader's attention from line one. I loved the mystery and suspense in the opening chapter.

You have a most attractive writing style and there's a pleasing blend of action, dialogue and exposition.
And impeccable syntax, which is why the prose flows so smoothly and rhythmically. I felt drawn to Godren, and the setting is vividly described so that you feel it is before your eyes.

I thought in chapter one - " . . . a cloaked figure appeared to catch the escaping entry in a significant, crushing fist . . ." You could delete significant which would make crushing all the stronger. And a bit further on, the word crumpled used twice in two paragraphs, jarred a little. Apart from this I found this delightful novel to be exquisitely written, and a joy to read.

Backed, with best wishes for your path to publication.

Sheila (Pinpoint)

carlashmore wrote 1154 days ago

I am happy to support such a deliciously dark and complex world. Godren is a fully rounded character and I was fascinated with the environment in which you have set this. The other point is that you can clearly write. There are some very effective descriptions and your voice is clear. Happy to back. Carl. The Time Hunters

Beval wrote 1155 days ago

This is excellent, you've given a whole new twist to the poacher turned gamekeeper story. Godren is great character, full of cynical world weariness, but I liked the Quenn of the Underground b est of all, she;s everything a ruthless villian should be. Just the sort of character you know you shouldn't like, but you can't help yourself for admiring.
This is highly readable.

Famlavan wrote 1156 days ago

What a grim world you have created. Just one thing, it is strangely silent, there is no descriptive sound in the narrative to create even more atmosphere (don’t know if this is deliberate). Your storyline is very gripping, just needed Ossen to be wiped out and who knows what would have happened. This is one gritty story - good luck.

Marie DuGar Bell wrote 1157 days ago

I found the story to be action filled and engaged the reader. There is an utter suspension of disbelief, which in my opinion is a good key, to a great story. I must admit, this story does take you away from everyday concerns. It takes you to a world unknown, filled with mystical characters. Thank you so very much for the read. I'm backing you with wishes for your publishing success! Sincerely. Marie - 'Mud Pies and Spirits'

Bamboo Promise wrote 1159 days ago

Well-written. Backed with pleasure!
A look at Bamboo Promise would be greatly appreciated. thanks

Francesco wrote 1159 days ago

Backed with pleasure! Good Luck!!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of my work) for a further read and possible backing of your book.

JLPenn wrote 1171 days ago

Great long pitch but the short pitch is too succinct I think. It doesn't tell us what the story is about at all, and I'm afraid it wouldn't grab the attention of an agent for instance. Work on that and you're well on your way! Putting on my WL to bump to backing. Kudos and best of luck!
-Jenn
Reunion

mongoose wrote 1171 days ago

This puts me in mind of Leon Garfield for some reason.... I like it a lot, very atmospheric, deliciously dark. Just a little bit of overwriting from time to time which slows down the read a little and might snaggle your young readers but on the whole, fabuloso.
Backed.

TheLoriC wrote 1172 days ago

I can't wait to get to the end of this to see how it all turns out! Totally addicting, and the plot is just fabulous. On my shelf.

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

lizjrnm wrote 1173 days ago

Normally not my genre because it sounds like a masculine read BUT my fifteen year old son and his friends just read it and they say YOU RULE! They loved it - what I can say is your writing is sharp and polished and this is extremely well written! You have a gift for descriptive prose! The boys are still reading since the entire thing is here and I'm loving their interest in reading on a Friday night! Thanks.
BACKED

Liz
The Cheech Room

Teric Darken wrote 1174 days ago

Greetings, Harper!

I had the opportunity to peruse Bounty, and I enjoyed the read! If I understood correctly, Godren is a scribe who dips his plumed feather into his blood, scrawls his entry on loose parchment, then allows it to sail where the wind may take it. A marvelously compelling thought! Wonder what would happen if you or I did that in our world? Interesting!

I should think that fans of Tolkien, Rowling, C.S. Lewis, and Ted Dekker's CIRCLE/LOST series of books would especially enjoy Bounty. Kudos on a novel well scripted! Glad I backed this!

Shalom!

Teric Darken

(K - I - L - L FM 100 / U-Turn Killur / Doopie Piper & Sissy Pants)

Abhyastamita wrote 1174 days ago

Good start! I liked all the trading one captor for another at the beginning. And I think one thing that really works for you are the names. Mastodon in particular seems like the perfect name for the leader of the criminal underground. And the setting is good too, with all the cats eyes glinting in the dark. Very creepy. I used to live in a place that had a lot of feral cat colonies and every time you'd go out at night, there they would be, just lounging around watching you. This reminded me of that.

There were a few things I had problems with though. You had so much good lead-up to the meeting with Mastodon that it might have felt a little anti-climactic when it finally happened. Also, Godren seems awfully resilient to be able to go from shackles to sauntering in to talk to Mastodon. I had the impression he'd been held by various bounty hunters for days, but I'm not sure where I got it from and I could just be wrong.

And there was one sentence that bothered me. "Godren's view of the advancing figure was jostled and misconstrued from the back of the wagon..." I don't think you can use misconstrue that way. It means to misinterpret, and he's not misinterpreting. He just can't see. He'd also have to be the one doing the misconstruing, whereas it's the wagon doing the jostling. So the sentence doesn't work grammatically either.

Otherwise I really liked it though.

scottkenny wrote 1176 days ago

Wonderfully dark, Harper. Your writing allows the story to flow in a filmic way and I could easily add
heavy black clouds and electric blue lights to the atmosphere provided. I also have to commend you for cutting to the chase, going straight to the story. That's the way to do it. Best wishes, Scott.

RichardBard wrote 1176 days ago

Yes, it's dark, but that's what makes BOUNTY so delicious. It's both gripping and well-written. Congratulations. Backed.

Richard Bard
BRAINRUSH

Jared wrote 1176 days ago

I like the cover and the title while the short pitch could scarcely be more succinct. The long pitch is well presented and works well. I've read the opening four chapters and your ability as a writer is clearly evident. What a dark and dreary world this is - it makes the set of Blade Runner seem like a rural idyll. Very strong characterisation, memorable imagery, imaginative plotting and no obvious punctuation errors, this is very impressive. At the end of chapter three Godren protests his innocence and declares "my life is awry.' How true. I'd like to read a lot more of this. An excellent fantasy-based novel and one that will have great appeal to a YA readership in particular. This will do very well.
Backed.
Jared (Mummy's Boy).

BDNelson wrote 1176 days ago

This is a well written and compelling story, what I had time to read. I wish you all the best with it. BACKED
By the way, I was drawn to your book by the pitch, good job!

BD Nelson
Abigail's Cries
The Autobiography
Scorned

David Fearnhead wrote 1177 days ago

You are the type of reader that I just enjoy reading when it's done well. It's as much a poem as a story. Yet there is not the sense that you are overreaching yourself as often happens. You obviously have a vivid imagination and the ability to put that onto the page. Nicely Done.
Backed
David
Bailey of the Saints

Telegraph wrote 1177 days ago

Brilliant and intriguing read. Once you've read the fird page your feel compelled to keep reading. Charcters and dilouge created a voice that is unique and hold the ones attention. C W Shelved.

lynn clayton wrote 1177 days ago

Can see that YA would appreciate it, but the prose and characters are so mature (in the best way) that it should appeal to a wide market. Beautifully written, atmospheric. Backed. lynn

scarletjg wrote 1177 days ago

I really like this, both your writing and the story. My only tiny nit pick is with your first paragraph. As some other author once told me, that paragraph is valued real estate and it should be the best it can be. That said, the word "change" is used four times right away and in quick succesion. Try using a different word, maybe "altered" or "morphed." I don't know, but its not good to use the same word so many times. :)

Shelved.

Janice (Blood of Eden)

Foretuneight wrote 1178 days ago

Wow, i found something...I'm surprised. "He followed the crumbling... "
Could be mistaken for a time line. Suggested change.... "His destination already determined; he followed the progressive decay and increasingly deteriorating condition and foul smell of the city's bowery leading him to The Ruins.

"...gone from inbetween." awkward.....suggest..."lay in heaps of debris in the cellar where he stood."
The paragraph after "Commission?" ....goes on too long and ends weakly and unconvincingly.

lathered on (it).
Correct.....Your a Most Wanted; in danger everyday of being...
This is an intersting game of chess and the POV stays with him but it does assume there is honor amongst thieves. He reveals himself and the end of chapter two as a victim. This may have been revealed effectively when presented with the oportunity to escape in chapter one. he did not wish to be a victim again and had learned that to deal with criminals, one had to be a more ruthless one.

I have to put it down for a bit but hope to be back. it is nice easy reading.

Foretuneight wrote 1178 days ago

Well there are no flaws in the writing but I am no expert. I want to read the rest of this but i see you faced the same challenges i did but with better success. The question is striking a balance of action, interst and foreshadowing.
It is purely subjective. I would prefer finding out more about mastadon later. Especally the fact she was a woman. I think you could have kept the character gender nutral and given the reader a surprise when it turns out the most feared person in the city is a woman. Just me.

As i am learning. The more you with hold the smarter an audience you are writing to. This currently feels like a teen book. Is that your audience? I do not know the age range of YA. But i see this with Dumas - The Three Musketeers range. Just a little darker -- everybody is bad. Like a Martin Scorsese film.

I am going to ask a favour. Can you pick a unique font and make it your own. I really don't like reading Times Roman. Again, subjective. To bad your in Britain. I think I'd enjoy hanging out with you. if we have another virtual party i will get you aon the guest list.

damaris13 wrote 1178 days ago

Such a dark and dreary world Godren lives in. I love it! I looked for something to suggest for you to edit, but I found nothing. This is very well-written and grabbing. Let me know when you get this published. I would love this book for my shelves here at school. I can imagine it jumping off the shelf quickly.

JLux
Finding Letta

berni stevens wrote 1179 days ago

A good original plot with interesting characters. Nice and dark, with supernatural elements - my kind of book.
I think this will appeal to adults and YA alike.

You might need to curb your adjectives a little - things like 'eyes narrowed dryly' - maybe just lose the 'dryly.' Other than that, your writing is strong with a good pace. Your dialogue is great, too.

Happy to put you up on my shelf and wish you luck!

Berni
Fledgling and Renegades

lizjrnm wrote 1180 days ago

Wonderful! I amso happy to see this sort o fbook in young adult. Mature but current. Writing is superb and polished. Great read. I think you would love The Cheech Room - right up your alley, similar to your on the edge style. BACKED!

R.C. Lewis wrote 1180 days ago

Nice concept! A little dark, definitely compelling. I got a little tangled in the middle of the pitch – couldn’t quite follow and had to start over. Nothing some small thoughtful edits couldn’t clear up, though.

You start the first chapter strong, right in the middle of things. I like the story, and you’ve got a strong voice along with some very polished writing. I admit, I like adjectives and adverbs (you might be told by others here to get rid of all of them) and contend that there’s more room for them in YA. But even I did a double-take at “staggered eyes” and “threatening stride” so perhaps give a critical eye to which are needed and which are not. Sometimes one simple word gets the job done more effectively than an elaborate phrase.

I jumped along through a few chapters and found the story continues to develop nicely. One other thing that caught my notice was in ch10 when Godren falls in love with the princess. Before, I was thinking of this more in terms of a thriller/fantasy cross, one that teen boys could enjoy as much as girls, particularly since the protagonist is a boy. The love-at-first-sight nature of this, though, might lose the boys. A little too “mushy” for most of them, I expect. If you intend your audience to be primarily female, then no problem, but it’s something to think about.

Regardless of these little nuances, I think you have a good, strong piece of work here, so I’m happy to put it on my shelf. Good luck!

R.C. Lewis (Fingerprints)

soutexmex wrote 1180 days ago

Throw both pitches into the forums and have people help you out with it. I am SHELVING in advance. I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

beegirl wrote 1180 days ago

Strong first chapter. Excellent hook at the end of the chapter.
Good pitch.
Barbara
The Sea Pillow

Harper Alexander wrote 1180 days ago

Excellent prose and attention to details.

This is something I’m researching still so I’m not sure how seriously you want to consider this, but the overall length of your manuscript seems above normal for YA. I’ve found supporting evidence it can be over 100,000 words, though I think the “norm” is 45-65k or under 80k.

Your narrating is very methodical and sometimes the imagery is a little longwinded. (Like a character might be described opening a door before they walk through it even though it’s expected a character would walk through a door when entering a room.) From chapter 14: “The stars were out and twinkling especially bright, as if the rain had washed and shined them, and the crescent moon was smiling.” “and the crescent moon...” seemed like a cluttering after thought to your beautiful analogy.

After reading your pitch I felt it was missing the element of a deadline for the character to accomplish X before his doom/destruction.



Thank you very much for the read and the critique! I don't know about research, but I read a lot of YA myself and most of it is longer than my work... I've also been told many times to stop worrying about the length and just let the story take its own course. But, notably, there is a market out there that will likely make demands, and it could prove to be a problem. In any case, I appreciate the feedback and will take what you've noted into consideration! Cheers!

clutzattack wrote 1181 days ago

Excellent prose and attention to details.

This is something I’m researching still so I’m not sure how seriously you want to consider this, but the overall length of your manuscript seems above normal for YA. I’ve found supporting evidence it can be over 100,000 words, though I think the “norm” is 45-65k or under 80k.

Your narrating is very methodical and sometimes the imagery is a little longwinded. (Like a character might be described opening a door before they walk through it even though it’s expected a character would walk through a door when entering a room.) From chapter 14: “The stars were out and twinkling especially bright, as if the rain had washed and shined them, and the crescent moon was smiling.” “and the crescent moon...” seemed like a cluttering after thought to your beautiful analogy.

After reading your pitch I felt it was missing the element of a deadline for the character to accomplish X before his doom/destruction.

clutzattack wrote 1181 days ago

Excellent prose and attention to details.

This is something I’m researching still so I’m not sure how seriously you want to consider this, but the overall length of your manuscript seems above normal for YA. I’ve found supporting evidence it can be over 100,000 words, though I think the “norm” is 45-65k or under 80k.

Your narrating is very methodical and sometimes the imagery is a little longwinded. (Like a character might be described opening a door before they walk through it even though it’s expected a character would walk through a door when entering a room.) From chapter 14: “The stars were out and twinkling especially bright, as if the rain had washed and shined them, and the crescent moon was smiling.” “and the crescent moon...” seemed like a cluttering after thought to your beautiful analogy.

After reading your pitch I felt it was missing the element of a deadline for the character to accomplish X before his doom/destruction.

Foretuneight wrote 1181 days ago

I can see why I Remember Every Word appealed to you. I think I would thoroughly enjoy your company. We appear to have like minds but I was a dancer not a gymnast.
I am going to send you a friend request if that's alraight. Not something i do often.

If you want a laugh, look at Uthonomy, my less serious book.

I think i will greatly enjoy yours. Funny how your MC is a man and mine a woman.

I hope you can give me some comments on I remember. I am certain they would be insightful.

kristinnb wrote 1183 days ago

This is very well done. Your writing is really good and the story is fantastic. The pitch throws the reader right into the story and the story definitely does its job in keeping the readers attention. Backed for sure.

Kristin
Demon in the Knight

R.A. Battles wrote 1183 days ago

After reading your full pitch and looking at your chapters, I'm happy to back you.

You might want to EDIT your full pitch and break it up into 3 or 4 paragraphs with a single line of white space between each paragraph. Doing so will allow readers to follow your key plot plot points more easily.

Rodney B.

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