Book Jacket

 

rank 5638
word count 79177
date submitted 24.02.2010
date updated 25.12.2011
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Fantasy, Young A...
classification: moderate
incomplete

Bounty

Harper Alexander

Forsaken. Condemned. Destined.

 

Scandalously accused of murder in his hometown, Godren is compelled to flee for his innocent life, only to take up crime for survival on the streets. He knew he would have to adapt - but he never meant to adapt so well.

Too late, he learns he has woven a reputation into the interests of corrupt professionals - namely Mastodon, the crime queen of the city. A sorceress of sorts, she has been avoided by the law more than hunted. But bounty hunters are becoming increasingly reckless in character, and, unbound by the particulars of the law, are realizing their capacity to grapple with her.

Due to their evolving nerve, Mastodon has put a price on their own heads. Godren faces a commission of leading a new breed of bounty hunter against the originals. Doomed if he refuses such a ruthless woman her wishes, Godren has little choice but to comply, when all he wants is to escape the injustice of the corrupt world he has been plunged into.

Will there prove to be no honor in survival? Or does fate work in mysterious ways, and do the forsaken still shelter secret ambitions?

 
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tags

action, adventure, bounty hunter, crime, destiny, fantasy, fate, romance, suspense, thriller, urban

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42 comments

 

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Chapters

26

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26: Personal Inconvenience

Not thinking it would be wise to prolong his presence on palace grounds after revealing such condemning information about himself, Godren left the princess standing grim and rigid in the grove and breezed across the estate to the gates.  He stole himself against the rotten feeling in his stomach for a moment to plaster a fraudulent pleasant look on his face.

    “Gentlemen,” he acknowledged the guards, the essence of carefree and polite.

    “Leaving so soon, Lord Lamont?” the more personable guard asked.

    “It seems the royal family shares your sentiments toward the distinct lack of fish at these occasions,” Godren said.  “I’ve heard about nothing but that since I set foot on these grounds, and I simply can’t be bombarded in these clothes.  If they want fish, they shall have fish.  I’m going to catch some fish.”

    With that he was through the gates and starting across the avenue.

    “But you’ll catch fish in those clothes?” the guard called after him, jesting again, but Godren did not make the effort to sustain his cover and respond.  He was beyond them now, so it no longer mattered.

    It was just growing dark, and as he made the transition from the twilight of the avenue to the closer shade of the apartment network across the way, he blinked against the reluctance of his perception.  He felt along the wall for navigation, not in the mood to wait on his senses.  His senses weren’t much for waiting on these days.

    The heavy feeling of the consequences of his actions weighed in his stomach, and a part of him wanted to ask, what have you done?  But a greater part of him felt like he had done the right, necessary thing.

    The right thing just wasn’t a walk in the park to his emotions.  But the right thing had never coincided with his circumstances, so he wasn’t going to start complaining now.  Better not to agonize over the inconvenience, or second-guess the risks he had taken.

    Besides, there was promptly someone else there to give him a hard time.

    “You know, I almost like watching you getting yourself in deeper and deeper,” Ossen’s voice cut through the disorienting shadows of the complex’s ground level.  “It’ll make it that much more gratifying to watch you unravel when it all catches up with you.  It’s great to see a marred image, a humiliating failure…but it’s a delightful bonus if a heart breaks and a future crumbles as well.”

    Godren lifted his head and pinpointed Ossen’s location.  It wasn’t hard now that his eyes burned with loathing.  It was as if the shadows bent to his gaze.  “You look in the mirror too much, Ossen,” he said bitingly, and kept walking.

    An intolerant hand closed around his forearm as he tried to pass, and Ossen dug his fingers into Godren’s damaged flesh.

    Whipping back around, Godren slammed him into the nearest wall and won his release.  “You forget,” he said, grinding out the words with mordant force, “I don’t feel.”  Then he continued on his way with un-tempered purpose, leaving his surprised rival to recollect himself.  No doubt Ossen had expected him to howl and crumple in pain.  Healing wounds were tender entities, after all.

    “You will,” Ossen called after him, voice sure and promising.  “Numb or not, I’ll teach you how.”

    Godren knew better than to take the threat as empty, regardless of if Ossen was just saying it to get the last word in or not, but he ignored it for the sake of his stoic image and kept walking.  Walking toward the source of all that was tearing him asunder.  How illogical, he thought, to keep going back there.

    “You keep walking, Godren,” Ossen projected keenly in encouragement.  “You do make the rest of us happy, always trotting right home for your punishment.  The morbid ones are on the edge of their seat with anticipation this time.  It’s bound to be good.”

    Still not responding, Godren decided to tune him out.

    “You’ll have to tell me how it went, though,” Ossen’s persistent voice began to fade into the void he created for it.  “I have a visit to make before my perfume wears off.”

    That last bit filtered through before Godren’s mental wall was completely in place, and he stopped dead in his tracks and spun in a heated rush, striding right back the way he had come.  Ossen looked pleased for getting to him, but Godren had stopped thinking about himself.

    “If you dare even touch her in the fondest of ways, I will hunt you down in the moment and drown you in your own blood,” Godren threatened vehemently, advancing on the spiteful silhouette that awaited him.

    Instead of realizing he had called Godren’s wrath back around and making some salvage attempt to shirk going up against a fearless opponent, Ossen stood rooted and surprised him with a hard punch square in the face as soon as he was within range.  Godren stumbled back, stunned out of proportion.  Painful or not, the world spun, and a sense of nausea bloomed in his stomach.

    Ossen didn’t wait for him to recover.  While Godren was seeing black spots, he hit him again.  “You mean especially if I touch her fondly?” Ossen corrected.  “It makes you jealous, doesn’t it?”

    Having his other senses jostled in addition to being numb, Godren found himself perilously disoriented, unable to design a move of defense against his attacker.

    “Drown me in my own blood, huh?  Correct me if I’m hopelessly off the mark, but if bleeding me that much didn’t kill me, I daresay the drowning me would.  I thought you weren’t a killer, Godren?  Or are you finally getting careless and letting your emotions provoke that condemning testimony of unfortunate truth out of you after all?  A little jealousy to loosen the tongue, and the truth comes out: you’re a jealous dolt and a murderer.”  He tsk’d his tongue.  “Your character is degrading fast, Godren.  Better be careful who sees you like this.  You wouldn’t want condemning information falling into the wrong hands.”

    Once more, he struck his grasping victim.

    “Aren’t you going to defend yourself?  Or am I actually getting at something, and you’re too humbled by moral guilt to deny it?  You and your pathetic morality.  A man shouldn’t be ruled by anything so restricting, so crippling.  Especially willingly.”  Dragging Godren up, he thrust him against the wall and pinned him there, achieving a nice resounding impact between the stone and Godren’s skull.

    Stars cascaded sickly though Godren’s head, but being so forcefully positioned allowed him to focus on the man before him.  “At least my soul isn’t crippled like yours,” he said, composed even as he spoke through gritted teeth.

    “Soul?” Ossen asked pointedly.  “I don’t have a soul.  And if babying one makes someone weak like you, I should be thanking my godforsaken mother for neglecting the concept.”

    If his head was already spinning anyway, what was one more impact of his choice?  Besides, he was tired of Ossen’s spiteful monologuing and bitter interjections that disrespected his mother, and surely Ossen’s skull wasn’t as hard as stone anyway.

    Ramming his head forward, he caught Ossen’s face in the collision and forced him back in relent.  “If you touch her in any way, I will carry out my worst threats and then beat your heart until it revives you, raw and shattered in ways that will never heal and haunted with mindless terror that will never abate, and then I will ensure that you live forever,” Godren revised, relaying all the ruthless sincerity in the world.

    Then he turned persistently and started once more for the Underworld that waited so morbidly for his return, wondering at his determination to get there.

*

Where,” Mastodon asked very pointedly, “have you been, Godren?”  Her dark gaze was unblinking and penetrating as the inevitable interrogation befell him.  “I acknowledge that you have requested I not make unfair assumptions based on Ossen’s tattling, but I am also aware of some inconsistencies in your manner that grow increasingly harder to ignore in good faith.”

    Godren stood before her desk with his feet spaced apart for stability – and confidence – and his hands clasped rigidly behind his back.  He stared at the wall behind her as he received his due confrontation, face completely stony.

    “I’m going to give you a chance to be honest with me,” Mastodon informed him.  “Of course, depending on your honest answer it could just as easily condemn as promote you, but we’re going to overlook that detail for the sake of sustaining my gracious image.  So, let’s have it.  Where is it you’ve been?”

    “In contact with Her Royal Highness Catris Vandelta,” Godren replied mechanically.

    If Mastodon was surprised by his claim – or his honesty, if she could tell it was the truth – she didn’t show it.  One had to wonder if she would even blink against the wind.

    “And what, pray tell, are you doing in contact with the princess of Raven City?  I presume you have a very good excuse.”

    “I contrive to eliminate being expendable, my lady.  I see those who occupy advantageous angles in your favor as competition.  I seek to assume their positions.”  The wall kept his attention as he spoke, anchoring him.  His rooted stance and matter-of-fact responses were the only way he could hope to stand against Mastodon’s perilous judgment.  Manner was the only thing left to earn him points.

    This time, his response seemed to prove thought-provoking – or at least interest-piquing.  Mastodon considered him a moment.

    “And you think you have a better chance with her than Ossen?”  the raven-haired woman inquired.

    “I think Ossen is little more than connections,” Godren replied.

    Mastodon seemed to appreciate the come-back.  Her eyes smiled.  “Do you?”

    Clearly, he was supposed to elaborate.  “He has too many people to prove things to, my lady.  It distracts him.  He is also far too explosive; if he loses his temper with her, she may be dead sooner than you conspire and carelessly enough to be traced.  Less dramatically, if he becomes disagreeable, her Highness could take measures to keep him out, and there goes your connection.  Simply because Ossen’s mood has its own ambitions.  And if he can’t control himself one way, who’s to say he won’t get attached in the opposite extreme?”

    “And you – you wouldn’t get attached?”

    “I am numb to the world, my lady.  You claim no heart, and Ossen claims no soul, but I have nothing.  I don’t suppose you can empathize with returning from the death of your poison, but it has sapped me of everything except breathing.”

    “Then why go on?  Especially for a cause not your own?”

    “Because I still bleed.  I have not forgotten what I signed in blood, and I do not care to doubt the extent magic would go to cause me pain.  I also do not care to doubt how promptly you would contrive to come down on me should I have thoughts of breaking our agreement.  I find myself unable to risk entertaining the confidence that I might be quick enough to take my own life before my punishment was activated.”

    Mastodon absently scratched her neck with a thumb.  “That would be a wise precaution.  You flatter me putting such stock into my charms.”

    “I may have nothing left to live for, for myself, but purpose ranks higher than suicide in my book – even if it’s a commitment to a cause not my own, so that’s where I stand.”

    Leaving it at that, Godren waited for the results of her acceptance.  He tried to block out the anxiety of all the cards being on the table and out of is hands, but the best he could do was keep a neutral face.

    Intruding on the suspense, Ossen burst into the room.

    Mastodon’s only response was the shift of her eyes.  “Ossen,” she acknowledged flatly.

    “He’s been with the princess,” Ossen blurted an accusation.

    “I know, Ossen.  Aside from not being stupid, he just told me himself.”

    Instant suspicion took form in the silence that resulted.  Godren could imagine Ossen sputtering behind him, at a loss.

    The door flew open a second time.  At the commotion that followed, Godren broke his gaze with the wall and glanced over his shoulder, and found Seth hauling Ossen out of the room.  The two tousled like very deadly immature boys, scuffing and scraping – and cursing, on Ossen’s part – but then the door closed and Godren was alone with Mastodon once more.  When he turned back to her, she was considering the door.

    “I see what you mean about him,” she commented thoughtfully.  “Too much to prove.  And that temper…”

Chapters

26

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Sheila Belshaw wrote 1156 days ago

BOUNTY:

Harper,

A beautifully written story that captures the reader's attention from line one. I loved the mystery and suspense in the opening chapter.

You have a most attractive writing style and there's a pleasing blend of action, dialogue and exposition.
And impeccable syntax, which is why the prose flows so smoothly and rhythmically. I felt drawn to Godren, and the setting is vividly described so that you feel it is before your eyes.

I thought in chapter one - " . . . a cloaked figure appeared to catch the escaping entry in a significant, crushing fist . . ." You could delete significant which would make crushing all the stronger. And a bit further on, the word crumpled used twice in two paragraphs, jarred a little. Apart from this I found this delightful novel to be exquisitely written, and a joy to read.

Backed, with best wishes for your path to publication.

Sheila (Pinpoint)

carlashmore wrote 1156 days ago

I am happy to support such a deliciously dark and complex world. Godren is a fully rounded character and I was fascinated with the environment in which you have set this. The other point is that you can clearly write. There are some very effective descriptions and your voice is clear. Happy to back. Carl. The Time Hunters

Beval wrote 1158 days ago

This is excellent, you've given a whole new twist to the poacher turned gamekeeper story. Godren is great character, full of cynical world weariness, but I liked the Quenn of the Underground b est of all, she;s everything a ruthless villian should be. Just the sort of character you know you shouldn't like, but you can't help yourself for admiring.
This is highly readable.

Marie DuGar Bell wrote 1159 days ago

I found the story to be action filled and engaged the reader. There is an utter suspension of disbelief, which in my opinion is a good key, to a great story. I must admit, this story does take you away from everyday concerns. It takes you to a world unknown, filled with mystical characters. Thank you so very much for the read. I'm backing you with wishes for your publishing success! Sincerely. Marie - 'Mud Pies and Spirits'

Jared wrote 1179 days ago

I like the cover and the title while the short pitch could scarcely be more succinct. The long pitch is well presented and works well. I've read the opening four chapters and your ability as a writer is clearly evident. What a dark and dreary world this is - it makes the set of Blade Runner seem like a rural idyll. Very strong characterisation, memorable imagery, imaginative plotting and no obvious punctuation errors, this is very impressive. At the end of chapter three Godren protests his innocence and declares "my life is awry.' How true. I'd like to read a lot more of this. An excellent fantasy-based novel and one that will have great appeal to a YA readership in particular. This will do very well.
Backed.
Jared (Mummy's Boy).

Walden Carrington wrote 632 days ago

Harper,
While Bounty is a work in the fantasy genre, your narrative style creates a believable account. A very mysterious beginning lures the reader into this captivating story filled with suspense. The dialogue is easily imagined being spoken and your descriptions are richly detailed and create a fine work of fiction.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Joshua Jacobs wrote 672 days ago

The opening paragraphs are gripping. I had opened this up to debate whether or not I wanted to start reading another book this morning, and sure enough, your first few sentences made me want to read on. This is exactly what you want to do as many people will put a book down if the first page isn't interesting.

After the brief first person, we switch to third person where you once again grab your readers' attention. Godren is a fascinating character. I'm instantly curious about him writing in his own blood, and the entrance of the masked figure who grabs the fluttering paper adds a nice touch. Nice visual. By the end of the first chapter, you give us just what we need to know about him to become attached. I like that everyone is after him, and he just wants to be left alone. He's easy to sympathize with.

I like the line, "Godren awaited the transfer of custody, immune to the procedure by now." It opens the door to a lot of possibilities and gets your reader asking questions.

I'm impressed with how well edited this is. It was nice not having to jot down a bunch of notes. Not only that, but this is well-written. You're definitely a talented writer.

Suggestions: There are a few instances of telling that would be stronger if you showed us instead. For example, "Godrin's view of the advancing figure was jostled..." There were also quite a few adverbs that I didn't feel strengthened your writing. For example, triumphantly, dully, utterly, very. Your writing is strong enough without most of them. If you cut some of these, it will smooth out your narrative and quicken the pace a bit. Other than that, nothing stood out to me. Good work!

This is an outstanding start. Great writing, fascinating story, and gripping opening pages. Highly rated!

Pia wrote 879 days ago

Harper –

Bounty – … The raven feather run dry of Godren’s blood just as he finished the brief entry, and he slid the quill back up his sleeve as he let the scrap of parchment be snatched out of his fingers by the wind …
An intriguing system of Bounty Hunters who protect those who escape the law, like Godren whose reputation as bounty is well established, although he’s innocent. Once again, his captors have changed faces, only this time he is summoned to Mastadon, the dark queen/sorceress living beneath the city who commissions him to hunt the hunters … And by the end of the first chapter I’m totally captured by the mysterious and haunting ambience of this story.
… The man did not move … a fluttering at his hand, where the wind channelled down the alley and pushed through his dead, open fingers, snatching the scrap of parchment … Godren watched it continue tumbling down the alley, as he had meant it to from the beginning …
I read quite a few chapters. Most remarkably, the sparseness of physical character description heightens the atmosphere. Some polishing still to be done, but the voice is unique, surprising with brilliant poetry, humour and wonderful characters. I loved ... Stupid petal brain  or … the cat dashed off like a streak of black lightening.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Burgio wrote 1148 days ago

What an imaginative story. Good characters. Good settings. It's a good read. I'm adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

DKTD1 wrote 1154 days ago

I'll back this. I like the action, the premise, and the dialogue. No complaints.
Best of luck with this.

Shelved.
Dan
Demons and Other Inconveniences

Raymond Nickford wrote 1155 days ago

Bounty:

Harper,

The bargaining for one captor against another proved a compelling opening to Bounty and the crimimal fraternity portrayed in such a way that I felt a participant within the unfolding storyline and so shared the sense of jeopardy.
The gathering cats gave me a distinct shiver and indeed reminded of some local Siamese which, when they get territorial, make the most God forsaken whining noises that get right under the skin.
You create a frisson of foreboding of engulfing tension. Yes, a thriller all right and one surely to engage young adults with an appetite for good fantasy.

Backed.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

bonalibro wrote 1156 days ago

This story is loaded with action. Terrific.

Would be happy to give this my backing if you'll have a look at mine.

Tim Chambers
Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes

Sheila Belshaw wrote 1156 days ago

BOUNTY:

Harper,

A beautifully written story that captures the reader's attention from line one. I loved the mystery and suspense in the opening chapter.

You have a most attractive writing style and there's a pleasing blend of action, dialogue and exposition.
And impeccable syntax, which is why the prose flows so smoothly and rhythmically. I felt drawn to Godren, and the setting is vividly described so that you feel it is before your eyes.

I thought in chapter one - " . . . a cloaked figure appeared to catch the escaping entry in a significant, crushing fist . . ." You could delete significant which would make crushing all the stronger. And a bit further on, the word crumpled used twice in two paragraphs, jarred a little. Apart from this I found this delightful novel to be exquisitely written, and a joy to read.

Backed, with best wishes for your path to publication.

Sheila (Pinpoint)

carlashmore wrote 1156 days ago

I am happy to support such a deliciously dark and complex world. Godren is a fully rounded character and I was fascinated with the environment in which you have set this. The other point is that you can clearly write. There are some very effective descriptions and your voice is clear. Happy to back. Carl. The Time Hunters

Beval wrote 1158 days ago

This is excellent, you've given a whole new twist to the poacher turned gamekeeper story. Godren is great character, full of cynical world weariness, but I liked the Quenn of the Underground b est of all, she;s everything a ruthless villian should be. Just the sort of character you know you shouldn't like, but you can't help yourself for admiring.
This is highly readable.

Famlavan wrote 1159 days ago

What a grim world you have created. Just one thing, it is strangely silent, there is no descriptive sound in the narrative to create even more atmosphere (don’t know if this is deliberate). Your storyline is very gripping, just needed Ossen to be wiped out and who knows what would have happened. This is one gritty story - good luck.

Marie DuGar Bell wrote 1159 days ago

I found the story to be action filled and engaged the reader. There is an utter suspension of disbelief, which in my opinion is a good key, to a great story. I must admit, this story does take you away from everyday concerns. It takes you to a world unknown, filled with mystical characters. Thank you so very much for the read. I'm backing you with wishes for your publishing success! Sincerely. Marie - 'Mud Pies and Spirits'

Bamboo Promise wrote 1162 days ago

Well-written. Backed with pleasure!
A look at Bamboo Promise would be greatly appreciated. thanks

Francesco wrote 1162 days ago

Backed with pleasure! Good Luck!!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of my work) for a further read and possible backing of your book.

JLPenn wrote 1174 days ago

Great long pitch but the short pitch is too succinct I think. It doesn't tell us what the story is about at all, and I'm afraid it wouldn't grab the attention of an agent for instance. Work on that and you're well on your way! Putting on my WL to bump to backing. Kudos and best of luck!
-Jenn
Reunion

mongoose wrote 1174 days ago

This puts me in mind of Leon Garfield for some reason.... I like it a lot, very atmospheric, deliciously dark. Just a little bit of overwriting from time to time which slows down the read a little and might snaggle your young readers but on the whole, fabuloso.
Backed.

TheLoriC wrote 1175 days ago

I can't wait to get to the end of this to see how it all turns out! Totally addicting, and the plot is just fabulous. On my shelf.

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

lizjrnm wrote 1176 days ago

Normally not my genre because it sounds like a masculine read BUT my fifteen year old son and his friends just read it and they say YOU RULE! They loved it - what I can say is your writing is sharp and polished and this is extremely well written! You have a gift for descriptive prose! The boys are still reading since the entire thing is here and I'm loving their interest in reading on a Friday night! Thanks.
BACKED

Liz
The Cheech Room

Teric Darken wrote 1177 days ago

Greetings, Harper!

I had the opportunity to peruse Bounty, and I enjoyed the read! If I understood correctly, Godren is a scribe who dips his plumed feather into his blood, scrawls his entry on loose parchment, then allows it to sail where the wind may take it. A marvelously compelling thought! Wonder what would happen if you or I did that in our world? Interesting!

I should think that fans of Tolkien, Rowling, C.S. Lewis, and Ted Dekker's CIRCLE/LOST series of books would especially enjoy Bounty. Kudos on a novel well scripted! Glad I backed this!

Shalom!

Teric Darken

(K - I - L - L FM 100 / U-Turn Killur / Doopie Piper & Sissy Pants)

Abhyastamita wrote 1177 days ago

Good start! I liked all the trading one captor for another at the beginning. And I think one thing that really works for you are the names. Mastodon in particular seems like the perfect name for the leader of the criminal underground. And the setting is good too, with all the cats eyes glinting in the dark. Very creepy. I used to live in a place that had a lot of feral cat colonies and every time you'd go out at night, there they would be, just lounging around watching you. This reminded me of that.

There were a few things I had problems with though. You had so much good lead-up to the meeting with Mastodon that it might have felt a little anti-climactic when it finally happened. Also, Godren seems awfully resilient to be able to go from shackles to sauntering in to talk to Mastodon. I had the impression he'd been held by various bounty hunters for days, but I'm not sure where I got it from and I could just be wrong.

And there was one sentence that bothered me. "Godren's view of the advancing figure was jostled and misconstrued from the back of the wagon..." I don't think you can use misconstrue that way. It means to misinterpret, and he's not misinterpreting. He just can't see. He'd also have to be the one doing the misconstruing, whereas it's the wagon doing the jostling. So the sentence doesn't work grammatically either.

Otherwise I really liked it though.

scottkenny wrote 1179 days ago

Wonderfully dark, Harper. Your writing allows the story to flow in a filmic way and I could easily add
heavy black clouds and electric blue lights to the atmosphere provided. I also have to commend you for cutting to the chase, going straight to the story. That's the way to do it. Best wishes, Scott.

RichardBard wrote 1179 days ago

Yes, it's dark, but that's what makes BOUNTY so delicious. It's both gripping and well-written. Congratulations. Backed.

Richard Bard
BRAINRUSH

Jared wrote 1179 days ago

I like the cover and the title while the short pitch could scarcely be more succinct. The long pitch is well presented and works well. I've read the opening four chapters and your ability as a writer is clearly evident. What a dark and dreary world this is - it makes the set of Blade Runner seem like a rural idyll. Very strong characterisation, memorable imagery, imaginative plotting and no obvious punctuation errors, this is very impressive. At the end of chapter three Godren protests his innocence and declares "my life is awry.' How true. I'd like to read a lot more of this. An excellent fantasy-based novel and one that will have great appeal to a YA readership in particular. This will do very well.
Backed.
Jared (Mummy's Boy).

BDNelson wrote 1179 days ago

This is a well written and compelling story, what I had time to read. I wish you all the best with it. BACKED
By the way, I was drawn to your book by the pitch, good job!

BD Nelson
Abigail's Cries
The Autobiography
Scorned

David Fearnhead wrote 1180 days ago

You are the type of reader that I just enjoy reading when it's done well. It's as much a poem as a story. Yet there is not the sense that you are overreaching yourself as often happens. You obviously have a vivid imagination and the ability to put that onto the page. Nicely Done.
Backed
David
Bailey of the Saints

Telegraph wrote 1180 days ago

Brilliant and intriguing read. Once you've read the fird page your feel compelled to keep reading. Charcters and dilouge created a voice that is unique and hold the ones attention. C W Shelved.

lynn clayton wrote 1180 days ago

Can see that YA would appreciate it, but the prose and characters are so mature (in the best way) that it should appeal to a wide market. Beautifully written, atmospheric. Backed. lynn

scarletjg wrote 1180 days ago

I really like this, both your writing and the story. My only tiny nit pick is with your first paragraph. As some other author once told me, that paragraph is valued real estate and it should be the best it can be. That said, the word "change" is used four times right away and in quick succesion. Try using a different word, maybe "altered" or "morphed." I don't know, but its not good to use the same word so many times. :)

Shelved.

Janice (Blood of Eden)

Foretuneight wrote 1181 days ago

Wow, i found something...I'm surprised. "He followed the crumbling... "
Could be mistaken for a time line. Suggested change.... "His destination already determined; he followed the progressive decay and increasingly deteriorating condition and foul smell of the city's bowery leading him to The Ruins.

"...gone from inbetween." awkward.....suggest..."lay in heaps of debris in the cellar where he stood."
The paragraph after "Commission?" ....goes on too long and ends weakly and unconvincingly.

lathered on (it).
Correct.....Your a Most Wanted; in danger everyday of being...
This is an intersting game of chess and the POV stays with him but it does assume there is honor amongst thieves. He reveals himself and the end of chapter two as a victim. This may have been revealed effectively when presented with the oportunity to escape in chapter one. he did not wish to be a victim again and had learned that to deal with criminals, one had to be a more ruthless one.

I have to put it down for a bit but hope to be back. it is nice easy reading.

Foretuneight wrote 1181 days ago

Well there are no flaws in the writing but I am no expert. I want to read the rest of this but i see you faced the same challenges i did but with better success. The question is striking a balance of action, interst and foreshadowing.
It is purely subjective. I would prefer finding out more about mastadon later. Especally the fact she was a woman. I think you could have kept the character gender nutral and given the reader a surprise when it turns out the most feared person in the city is a woman. Just me.

As i am learning. The more you with hold the smarter an audience you are writing to. This currently feels like a teen book. Is that your audience? I do not know the age range of YA. But i see this with Dumas - The Three Musketeers range. Just a little darker -- everybody is bad. Like a Martin Scorsese film.

I am going to ask a favour. Can you pick a unique font and make it your own. I really don't like reading Times Roman. Again, subjective. To bad your in Britain. I think I'd enjoy hanging out with you. if we have another virtual party i will get you aon the guest list.

damaris13 wrote 1181 days ago

Such a dark and dreary world Godren lives in. I love it! I looked for something to suggest for you to edit, but I found nothing. This is very well-written and grabbing. Let me know when you get this published. I would love this book for my shelves here at school. I can imagine it jumping off the shelf quickly.

JLux
Finding Letta

berni stevens wrote 1182 days ago

A good original plot with interesting characters. Nice and dark, with supernatural elements - my kind of book.
I think this will appeal to adults and YA alike.

You might need to curb your adjectives a little - things like 'eyes narrowed dryly' - maybe just lose the 'dryly.' Other than that, your writing is strong with a good pace. Your dialogue is great, too.

Happy to put you up on my shelf and wish you luck!

Berni
Fledgling and Renegades

lizjrnm wrote 1183 days ago

Wonderful! I amso happy to see this sort o fbook in young adult. Mature but current. Writing is superb and polished. Great read. I think you would love The Cheech Room - right up your alley, similar to your on the edge style. BACKED!

R.C. Lewis wrote 1183 days ago

Nice concept! A little dark, definitely compelling. I got a little tangled in the middle of the pitch – couldn’t quite follow and had to start over. Nothing some small thoughtful edits couldn’t clear up, though.

You start the first chapter strong, right in the middle of things. I like the story, and you’ve got a strong voice along with some very polished writing. I admit, I like adjectives and adverbs (you might be told by others here to get rid of all of them) and contend that there’s more room for them in YA. But even I did a double-take at “staggered eyes” and “threatening stride” so perhaps give a critical eye to which are needed and which are not. Sometimes one simple word gets the job done more effectively than an elaborate phrase.

I jumped along through a few chapters and found the story continues to develop nicely. One other thing that caught my notice was in ch10 when Godren falls in love with the princess. Before, I was thinking of this more in terms of a thriller/fantasy cross, one that teen boys could enjoy as much as girls, particularly since the protagonist is a boy. The love-at-first-sight nature of this, though, might lose the boys. A little too “mushy” for most of them, I expect. If you intend your audience to be primarily female, then no problem, but it’s something to think about.

Regardless of these little nuances, I think you have a good, strong piece of work here, so I’m happy to put it on my shelf. Good luck!

R.C. Lewis (Fingerprints)

soutexmex wrote 1183 days ago

Throw both pitches into the forums and have people help you out with it. I am SHELVING in advance. I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

beegirl wrote 1183 days ago

Strong first chapter. Excellent hook at the end of the chapter.
Good pitch.
Barbara
The Sea Pillow

Harper Alexander wrote 1183 days ago

Excellent prose and attention to details.

This is something I’m researching still so I’m not sure how seriously you want to consider this, but the overall length of your manuscript seems above normal for YA. I’ve found supporting evidence it can be over 100,000 words, though I think the “norm” is 45-65k or under 80k.

Your narrating is very methodical and sometimes the imagery is a little longwinded. (Like a character might be described opening a door before they walk through it even though it’s expected a character would walk through a door when entering a room.) From chapter 14: “The stars were out and twinkling especially bright, as if the rain had washed and shined them, and the crescent moon was smiling.” “and the crescent moon...” seemed like a cluttering after thought to your beautiful analogy.

After reading your pitch I felt it was missing the element of a deadline for the character to accomplish X before his doom/destruction.



Thank you very much for the read and the critique! I don't know about research, but I read a lot of YA myself and most of it is longer than my work... I've also been told many times to stop worrying about the length and just let the story take its own course. But, notably, there is a market out there that will likely make demands, and it could prove to be a problem. In any case, I appreciate the feedback and will take what you've noted into consideration! Cheers!

clutzattack wrote 1184 days ago

Excellent prose and attention to details.

This is something I’m researching still so I’m not sure how seriously you want to consider this, but the overall length of your manuscript seems above normal for YA. I’ve found supporting evidence it can be over 100,000 words, though I think the “norm” is 45-65k or under 80k.

Your narrating is very methodical and sometimes the imagery is a little longwinded. (Like a character might be described opening a door before they walk through it even though it’s expected a character would walk through a door when entering a room.) From chapter 14: “The stars were out and twinkling especially bright, as if the rain had washed and shined them, and the crescent moon was smiling.” “and the crescent moon...” seemed like a cluttering after thought to your beautiful analogy.

After reading your pitch I felt it was missing the element of a deadline for the character to accomplish X before his doom/destruction.

clutzattack wrote 1184 days ago

Excellent prose and attention to details.

This is something I’m researching still so I’m not sure how seriously you want to consider this, but the overall length of your manuscript seems above normal for YA. I’ve found supporting evidence it can be over 100,000 words, though I think the “norm” is 45-65k or under 80k.

Your narrating is very methodical and sometimes the imagery is a little longwinded. (Like a character might be described opening a door before they walk through it even though it’s expected a character would walk through a door when entering a room.) From chapter 14: “The stars were out and twinkling especially bright, as if the rain had washed and shined them, and the crescent moon was smiling.” “and the crescent moon...” seemed like a cluttering after thought to your beautiful analogy.

After reading your pitch I felt it was missing the element of a deadline for the character to accomplish X before his doom/destruction.

Foretuneight wrote 1184 days ago

I can see why I Remember Every Word appealed to you. I think I would thoroughly enjoy your company. We appear to have like minds but I was a dancer not a gymnast.
I am going to send you a friend request if that's alraight. Not something i do often.

If you want a laugh, look at Uthonomy, my less serious book.

I think i will greatly enjoy yours. Funny how your MC is a man and mine a woman.

I hope you can give me some comments on I remember. I am certain they would be insightful.

kristinnb wrote 1186 days ago

This is very well done. Your writing is really good and the story is fantastic. The pitch throws the reader right into the story and the story definitely does its job in keeping the readers attention. Backed for sure.

Kristin
Demon in the Knight

R.A. Battles wrote 1186 days ago

After reading your full pitch and looking at your chapters, I'm happy to back you.

You might want to EDIT your full pitch and break it up into 3 or 4 paragraphs with a single line of white space between each paragraph. Doing so will allow readers to follow your key plot plot points more easily.

Rodney B.

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