Book Jacket

 

rank 73
word count 12439
date submitted 27.02.2010
date updated 16.11.2012
genres: Fiction, Historical Fiction, Fantas...
classification: universal
incomplete

A SHIRTFUL OF FROGS

Shalini Boland

The life of a WWII evacuee collides with the world of a boy from the present day, in this timeslip adventure.

 

As WWII breaks out, six-year-old Jimmy Sweeney is evacuated from London to the country. He is now an outcast, bullied by the local kids and mistreated by the awful Mrs Cribbins. One night a stranger appears in his room. A tall clean boy who brings him food and other amazing stuff. They become friends which is good because pretty soon Jimmy is going to need a friend. His life may depend upon it . . .

 
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tags

1940s, blitz, boys' adventure, bullying, children's, crossover, drama, east end, evacuation, evacuee, fantasy, friendship, ghost, ghost story, histori...

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Chapter One

1940

 

Jimmy pulled a stupid face and stuck a bony elbow into his brother’s ribs. He wriggled and shifted, making himself comfy on the back seat of the bus. Patrick elbowed him back with a mud-splattered grin.

‘Oi, nippers!’ a man shouted at them from down the aisle. ‘You been scrumping?’

Jimmy looked down at his bulky shirt. The man must have thought they were a couple of scallywags who’d been stealing apples. Of course, they’d nicked apples before, but not this time.

‘If you have,’ the man continued, ‘you can give us one. I'm starving!’

The other passengers laughed, their daydreams and chatter interrupted for the moment.

‘No we ain't been scrumping, mister,’ Jimmy shouted back. ‘We got frogs, but if you like you can have one for the bargain price of tuppence.

Dont talk daft. You bin scrumping apples, you cheeky blighter.

‘No we aint. Look.’ Jimmy stood up and swayed down the aisle towards the man, all eyes on him. He opened his top two buttons and pointed down into his shirt. Frogs, see.

The bus was almost full and everyone leaned in closer. Jimmy saw them staring at his shirt, at the slight movements rippling behind the thin material.

The man frowned and peered down. Jimmy looked up to see Patrick had joined him. He couldn’t help a smile escaping at the thought they were about to be proved right.

‘I don’t believe it!’ The man jerked his head back and then let out a raucous chuckle. He stood up, looked around and proclaimed loudly to everyone on board.

Have a look at this one here.’ He pointed down at Jimmy’s head with a stubby finger. ‘Hes only got a shirtful of bloomin’ frogs! 

The passengers craned their necks to see, as Jimmy proudly opened his shirt a bit more to reveal the slimy-looking frogs that writhed and kicked against his bare skin.

A couple of older lads swaggered down the narrow aisle to get a closer look at the greeny brown mass of slippery creatures tangled up in pondweed. A young boy reached across from his seat and tried to grab one before his mother batted his hand away and told him to sit back down. Young girls squealed in horror. And women, who had previously cooed and laughed over the sweet-faced young brothers, now tut-tutted their disapproval.

‘Well I never!’ huffed a pinched-face woman in a patterned headscarf. ‘Would you look at that? It’s disgraceful. It oughtnt be allowed. Them two should be arrested for bringing them disgusting creatures on board public transportation.

Just then, the bus lurched to a stop with a hiss of brakes and as it did so, Jimmy stumbled slightly. One of the frogs seized its chance, leapt out of the shirt and landed on the thighs of a large lady who was wedged in between two others. All three women screamed.

Jimmy and Patrick shot forward and made a grab for the frog, but instead of catching it, they both ended up in the large lady’s lap. She screamed again, shoving them off and bashing at them with her handbag. Jimmy scrambled off her lap and ducked his head to avoid being battered.    

Meantime, the frog hopped away down the aisle, completely unaware of the chaos. It was closely followed by two of its pond-mates who had also decided to make a break for it.

‘Get the nets, Pat!’ Jimmy hollered. Patrick scrabbled his way back to where they had been sitting and grabbed the thin wooden fishing nets.

After its brief stop, the bus started up again along the busy high street. By now, Jimmy had rebuttoned his shirt and he and Patrick were diving towards the front of the vehicle. They lunged forward with their nets, desperately trying to recapture their frogs, amid the hysteria.

‘Right, you two.’ A no-nonsense voice cut through the pandemonium. Jimmy suddenly felt a stinging pain as the stern-faced bus conductor grabbed his ear and pulled him and Patrick back down the aisle. They slid and stumbled to keep up as the conductor strode towards the rear of the bus, ignoring frogs and passengers alike.

Reaching the open exit, the conductor shouted to the driver to slow down. The brakes whined and the bus lurched as the conductor slung the boys out onto the pavement.

Jimmy jumped clear of the bus, cradling the front of his shirt and clutching his precious fishing net. Patrick leapt alongside him and they managed to land nimbly on their feet.

The red double-decker swung away, creaking and grumbling in a cloud of black smoke as it continued on its journey down the high street. Screams and shouts could still be heard on account of its three unwelcome slimy little passengers.

Jimmy looked at his brother, who stood on the pavement staring glumly after the disappearing bus.

‘We’ve only gone and lost ourselves sixpence,’ Patrick said, touching his ear which throbbed red from the conductor’s rough treatment.

‘Oh, Pat, it don’t matter, we still got loads.’ Jimmy smiled and rubbed his own ear. ‘Did you see them women’s faces? They weren’t half funny. I thought they was gonna have a heart attack.’

‘Yeah I know,’ Patrick replied, still frowning. ‘And that fat one had a face like a frog anyway.’

‘You wouldn’t get tuppence for her though,’ Jimmy added, grinning at his brother and trying to lighten the mood.

It worked and they both cracked up laughing. Then, making sure they had the rest of their profits securely buttoned up, they headed for home together, this time on foot.

 

A couple of hours later, the six-year-old twins trudged past Chapel Street Market and finally turned into the road where they lived. It was lined with square blocks of grubby brick-built flats, in front of which a game of street cricket was in progress. As usual, the lamppost outside number 52 was being used as the stumps and Bill Collins was arguing the fact he’d just been caught out.

Down the side alley, two of Jimmy’s sisters were chanting and skipping with a group of local girls:

 

‘All in, a bottle of gin

All out, a bottle of stout

By the time we count to twenty

This rope, must be empty

Five, ten, fifteen, twenty’

 

And with that, they pulled the rope tight. Everyone jumped out in time except for Nellie Cochran who wasn’t so fortunate and got knocked flying by the rope snapping taut too early. She stood up angrily, brushed her dress down and stomped off.

While Jimmy surveyed the familiar scene, Sally Anne Croft wandered over to where they stood. Her clothes and face were filthy with snot and grime, but in her hair she wore a shiny yellow ribbon.

‘Wot you got in there then?’ she asked, pointing at their shirts.

‘Alright?’ Jimmy greeted her. ‘We got frogs. You want one?’

‘Tuppence for a little one, thrupence for a big’un,’ added Patrick.

‘Here you go, have one of these. This one's on the house.’ Jimmy unbuttoned his shirt, reached in and pulled out a feisty green frog that frenziedly kicked its legs out. Jimmy smiled down at Sally Anne.

‘Jimmy!’ Patrick exclaimed. ‘Whatchoo doing?’

Jimmy ignored his brother and carried on talking. ‘Don't forget to let him have a little swim every now and then. He’ll die if you let him dry out.’

She took the creature into both hands, looked up and pulled a face at Patrick before darting off into a nearby alleyway.

‘Cheeky cow,’ Patrick muttered. ‘Jimmy, you’re giving away all our profits.’

‘Yeah, but it’s only Sally Anne and she ain't got tuppence for a frog.’

‘Well don't give any more away.’ Then he cleared his throat and looked down the street.

Tiredness forgotten, Jimmy and his brother stood like gladiators - legs slightly apart, shoulders back, preparing for their customers. Doing business with the neighbourhood kids was never straightforward and always involved a bit of a battle.

‘Frogs! We got frogs!’ shouted Jimmy.

‘Tuppence for a little’un and thrupence for a big’un,’ Patrick added.

A few of the kids looked over. Some of the older boys nudged each other and pointed in their direction. Three of them abandoned their game of cricket and sauntered over to where the twins stood.

‘Frogs? Let’s see ‘em then,’ the tallest of the three demanded.

Jimmy leaned forwards slightly so the boy could get a look at the merchandise.

‘Where d'you get 'em from?’ another boy asked, hands wedged into his pockets.

‘Never you mind where we got 'em from,’ said Jimmy. Their little enterprise would be ruined if they told anyone about the pond. ‘Never you mind,’ he repeated. ‘You want one or not?’

‘Yeah, go on I'll have a small one.’ The boy sighed. ‘Tuppence right?’ He took some coins out of his pocket and handed over two tarnished pennies in return for a tiny brown frog. As the boy walked away, several children crowded around him to look at his new pet. The other two boys eagerly paid up.

The street scene rapidly changed as word travelled the Sweeney twins had frogs for sale. Some kids shouted up to their mothers to please, please let them have some money while others decided their only choice was to club together and share one. Those who had no money at all pretended they didn’t want a stupid frog anyway.

Jimmy felt a bit sorry for the kids who couldn’t afford one. He would have given them one for free, like with Sally Anne, but Pat would’ve gone mad. He glanced sideways at his brother, who stared down the lane at the approaching kids. More joined them all the time and Jimmy knew Pat was worried they hadn’t caught nearly enough.

Before long, a rowdy queue formed in front of the brothers and everyone wanted to know how on earth they’d managed to get hold of the frogs. But the twins weren’t telling.

 

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Steve Games wrote 1000 days ago

Shalini,

This is beautiful character development. Your dialogue is absolutely convincing and totally atmospheric. I'm really impressed by the polish of the storytelling quality of what I've read. I don't make a lot of comments about things I read on authonomy (for a variety of reasons we won't belabor here) but you are an accomplished storyteller who should be encouraged to keep telling.

- Steve Games

Stec wrote 1083 days ago

A truely, lovely read. I used to teach fourteen years olds the Blitz and evacuation and, as much as they would try and be all cool about this book, they would love it. I think it will find a universal audience.
It's got a really, strong premise: the fusion of WW2 with present. This is an idea that works really well if you can make it believable and you do that here..
The venacular is wonderfully done and sang off the page; to my ears anyway.
I can't really fault this. Comparisons with the don book of this genre GMT are inevitable but the fact you weave the fantastical into your tale should create a big audience for this.

best of luck

Steve

XgwynethX wrote 1153 days ago

What a stunning piece of writing! You have perfectly captured the experience of being a young boy. It is simply my favourite thing I have read on here. It reminds me of the Magician's Nephew by C.S Lewis infused with Good Night Mister Tom. Its beautiful.

Tawn Anderson wrote 1175 days ago

Wow... I honestly think this is one of the best displays of unique voice I've seen on this site. I'm American, but I heard the English accent of those two young boys coming in loud and clear. It gives the reader a sense of immediate surroundings, time, and spirit of your book. And who doesn't remember trying to catch frogs and hiding them away. While this book is classified for children, I think it has a lot of cross-over appeal. In a sense, it reminded me of how The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe started. Well done! Backed!

Tawn Anderson (Providence)

Steve Merrill wrote 83 days ago

I remember backing this book long ago under the old system, and am putting it on my shelf once more. Superior prose, charming characters, great title.

Fennick wrote 219 days ago

Given that my book jumps between the past and the 1940's this caught my eye. Nicely written and fun.

faith rose wrote 240 days ago

Dear Shalini,

Wow! I just came across your book, and I'm so glad I did! Tremendous writing and a wonderful premise. I really love the mix of history and present day. I am adding this to my WL and looking forward to reading more. Well done!

All the very best,
Faith Rose
Now To Him

Stan_the_Man wrote 241 days ago

Very good book so far. I will read more soon, along with the other books on my shelf, and try to give you my opinion. Backed and rated high.

Dean Lombardo wrote 252 days ago

Hi Shalini,
I met you when you saved one of my threads from being ignored. Thank you. I said I'd sample your work in return. This will be an honest opinion rendered.

A Shirtful of Frogs
First chapter is amazing, no comments. And your chapter sizes overall are just right, not too long, not too dense.

Chapter 2 needs tightening, concentrating on the things that truly tell us about these two jittery boys and move the plot forward. Their hyperactivity is not to be frowned upon; it's healthy and fun and can be used to drive your plot forward.
Also, VERY IMPORTANT--what does Jimmy hear at the end of Chapter 2? Tell us. Is it warplanes? Give us a taste and we'll keep reading.

Other comments:
Your Long Pitch is great. Hooked me.
When focusing on Chapter 2, the "Everything felt weird" chapter is a good place to attack. It can be cut by fifty percent by letting the boy's POV drive the story.

I can give this six stars on its potential alone; but just this one man's opinion: your next draft will be what puts it into a publisher's hands.

Dean Lombardo
"Space Games"

froggy a'courting wrote 277 days ago

I guess I'm a sucker for time travel (and frogs). I read all 8 chapters and was disappointed there weren't more!

Patty Apostolides wrote 277 days ago

Very delightful children's tale, with feisty boys full of life and excitement! I read all the chapters and was caught up in the drama of the bombing and how the large family was separated. Quite touching.

Jimmy is soooh cute and I felt sorry for him. I could picture this in a movie one day.

I don't know how all this is going to come together, with the two different worlds (1940 and 2012) coming together. Each one is so different from each other. The 1940 world is about survival and the 2012 world is about boredom. That is what makes it very interesting.

Highly starred and congratulations on getting it published!. Will back as soon as find room.

Best,
Patty Apostolides
"The Greek Maiden and the English Lord"

D.J.Milne wrote 281 days ago

Hi Shalini
Came by out of curiosity as your title has caught my eye on several occasions and I have not been disappointed having just read your first five chapters. I loved your opening chapter with the twins on the bus, then selling their frogs. Your use of descriptions and turns of phrase is wonderful, i hadn't heard the expresion bagsied for years. The developing story with Nathan moving out the city and then dropping back in time to the blitz and the evacuation of the kids and the siblings being split up. All written with great atmosphere and the feeling of being there. Then Jimmy sobbing for his mother and Nathan finding him and feeding him. The Dickensian sounding MrsCribbins is a real nasty piece of work.
This was a refreshing read and one that gave me some wonderfully colorful imagery. Top notch and a nice read before bedtime.
Starred at a five.
D.J
The Ghost Shirt

SallyXB wrote 282 days ago

Wow, what a fabulous concept. I have read the opening of your book and in my view it is really promising. I love the fact that you have successfully managed to capture the lives, dialogue and settings of two very different childhoods. This is something I myself am trying to achieve, so well done, I know it is hard! I'm backing this book!

Abby Vandiver wrote 283 days ago

Congratulations on publishing. This is a great story, written in a way that anyone can enjoy. Excellent work.

Kate Buchanan wrote 288 days ago

To all potential readers - A MUST READ - Kate Buchanan (Jenny's Rain)

Kate Buchanan wrote 292 days ago

Hi Shalini, Have now read to the end of Chapter six - still captivated by this story. One thing I noticed is that you stopped heading the chapters with the year. That was a great detail. Chapter six was a mixture of both times, Was expecting them to be separated. Will continue reading tomorrow. Lovely story. - Kate

Kate Buchanan wrote 294 days ago

Hi Shalini - Just read chapter one. Delightful story, colourful characters, lively dialogue and refreshing writing style. This is definitely a can't-wait-to-read-on type of story. - Kate

benedict wrote 324 days ago

Hi there Shalini,

here for our read swap.

I was really impressed by this. The first chapter especially is so professionally written. It really is a charming opening. You sustain the scene so well and it's a very nice, concentrated, one-act narrative in itself. We instantly love the two boys and the story flows just brilliantly. The second chapter is also well written but I'm afraid that after the charm and originality I didn't warm to it as much.

In comparison, the second chapter really lacked originality - in fact I could direct you to another book on Authonomy with an almost exact same opening. Still by the end of the chapter there is nothing much to endear Nathan to us. He's a grumpy, bored twelve year old, and while that's pretty accurate a portrait of many kids his age, I felt that you should have given us a little more to like about him - unless this serves some sort of purpose later on. This all sounds a bit negative, but as I said, it's very well written and bookended by two fantastic chapters.

Chapter three is also stunning. Very well researched, or at least, exactly how my dad described being in an air raid shelter to be, filled with emotion and tension, it's another really well sustained scene. The characters again come out really well and the mother stands out despite the short time we've spent with her. It's just great.

I made some notes of some small things you could change as I read through the first two chapters - Nothing very major.

Jimmy saw them staring at his shirt, at the slight movements rippling BENEATH the thin material.
-I’d say

look at the greeny-brown mass of slippery
I’d add the hyphen

look at the greeny-brown mass of slippery

leapt out of the shirt and landed on the THIGH of a large lady
-couldn’t land on both of them!

, the six-year-old twins
- I imagined them being a little older, 8 or 9

She took the creature IN both hands

‘Cheeky cow,’
-definitely doesn’t sound like any six year olds I know. I teach kids aged 6-12 and the six year olds are still pretty bashful

The street scene rapidly changed as word travelled THAT the Sweeney twins had frogs for sale.

Ch 2

up at the staircase and plonked himself down on THE bottom step

Looking up for the first time since they’D got in the car

his girlfriend or something equally pathetic.
-would he really see that as pathetic?

Nathan flipped backwards off the bed
-sounds very athletic

He’d be the coolest DAD ever.
-more natural

Hope they help.

This is very deserving of the full stars I'm going to give it. I am very committed to the books on my shelf getting to the desk, I'm afraid, but I will definitely be backing you in the future when I find some space! I look forward to reading more.

Lots of luck and best wishes,

Benedict


R. Dango wrote 333 days ago

I noticed the cover had been changed so I had to come back and read the continuation. Read 4 chapters now, and still think it's such an evoking story. Staying on my WL (since Feb!), so I can come back and read more.
R
The Forest of Vulcanus

Mike Lee wrote 353 days ago

Shalini,

I really enjoyed what you have put up from this story. It's VERY nice work. The title is excellent, and really grabs the attention. The cover art is great. The pitch, it seems to me, gives away perhaps a bit too much, in the final paragraph; unless the plot really twists in some unexpected direction (in which case, the comment should be ignored :) ) I wonder if you could do the job as well by hinting at the dangers of Jimmy's time and circumstances, without telling us directly that Nathan is going to have to save him?

Mr. Games, I see, lauded your character development a good couple of years ago. He was exactly right, then, as character work is clearly one of your strongest points. I found myself VERY engaged in your characters, at a very early point. I usually work hard to find critizisms to offer, but your work is very solid, and I am having trouble finding much of anything to suggest you might improve... one thing stood out, that you might look at: When Nathan first finds Jimmy, "for some reason he hesitates to tell his mother about him, not wanting her to make a fuss..." (badly paraphrased, I'm sure) That did seem a bit too contrived for me. Perhaps you would think about giving Nathan a more structured reason for witholding that bit of exciting news? It needn't be complicated, or even compelling, but perhaps a bit less just a random choice that makes for a better story, and more reasoned response by Nathan?
Otherwise, I found no weaknesses that caught my attention. I would back this book today, if not for noticing it has been up for quite some time. If you find it moving closer to the desk, and that's important to you, drop me a note, and I will try to find a spot for it. Otherwise, if you haven't sold or published, and if it is finishes, you should absolutely put it out in ebook format. This book will sell well, in ebook format, I think. I would buy it myself, just to finish the story. :)

JMF wrote 397 days ago

Great characters, believable, convincing dialogue and intriguing story. I have to say I really enjoyed reading the first part of this and I look forward to returning to read more. I can't believe I haven't stumbled across this before on Authonomy as it is just the kind of story I enjoy reading. Great writing. Well done. I can't think of anything negative to say - sorry!
I will place this on my shelf as soon as I can, although I have a bit of a backlog at the moment. In the meantime I will put it on my WL with numerous stars. Great stuff.
All the best and if you fancy returning a read, Shadow Jumper is the name of my children's adventure story.
Good luck with your writing.
Julia
Shadow Jumper

Adeel wrote 401 days ago

A fantastic and stunning piece of writing that is powerful enough to grab the attention of readers. Writing is clear and lucid and story moves well. Highly rated.

Sharda D wrote 416 days ago

Hi Shalini,
Really strong writing, brilliant opening chapter. I trust your research and sense of the era. I feel in very safe hands here!
The description of the scene on the bus was excellent. I could really picture it and good devise to start with such a sensory thing - the shirtful of frogs. Wonderful.
I can see that you're a pro.
6 stars from me and I've just managed to shelve you (20 Apr 12)
Would love your opinion on my book, if you have time.
Sharda.
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

AMW wrote 443 days ago

Shalini,

A very accomplished story. I've read through 7 and your dialogue is wonderful, and not once did I feel that you slipped out of the point of view of the two boys. Excellent work.

Ann - Counterpointe

Spilota wrote 467 days ago

I loved this. Have you finished writing it? Is it available anywhere? I would so like to read the rest.

bonne wrote 494 days ago

I love this!

Geddy25 wrote 499 days ago

Read it all and I think it's great!!!!
If I was still teaching about WWII, I'd read this to the kids.
You have managed to really make me feel sorry for little Jimmy and I'm guessing what Nathan has just found out.
Your writing kept me interested the whole time and I found it a breeze to read - no confusing grammar etc.
I look forward to reading more of this.
Good luck with it! Top stars!!!!
Mike
(Rudolf Goes Bananas)

georgeHbowles wrote 501 days ago

You write very well. You have a good story, as well. Were I you, I wouldn't be waiting to publish.

D. S. Hale wrote 537 days ago

Chapter one is an easy read. You got the action going right away. I could just picture the scene on the bus! Your writing is very good and clean. I didn't see any errors. Great job! I like it!

D. S. Hale

Bubbity wrote 541 days ago

Love books like this, Shalini. I've just reminded myself of it again by reading the first chapter again but hope to read it all in print! When will that be??

Shuhin wrote 545 days ago

Shalini, you're an engrossing story teller. You have bought the characters to life with your writing and you narrative and dialogue suit the two time periods you are writing about, demonstrating to the reader the difference in attitudes and vocabulary between 1940 and 2011. This is a great premise with good story telling and strong characters - gladly backed.

Shuhin - Lost Reunions

roundrobin1 wrote 547 days ago

Shakini,
How can you do this to me? What a place to leave the story. Please Please Please download a few more chapters. - Carole

roundrobin1 wrote 550 days ago

Hurry up and write the next chapter Shalini. I can't wait to read it. Brilliant piece of writing.- Carole

roundrobin1 wrote 552 days ago

This is the best read I have had on Authonomy. You hold the readers attention beautifully. The boys are so real and I was on the bus with them. You have made my day. I will back you to the top. You are bound to get there.- Carole

Kris Mikelson wrote 561 days ago

Incredibly awesome book. Sucked me right in. Actually painful to pull away from. Perfect in every aspect. This should definitely be published.

grantdavid wrote 687 days ago

You're right on course here, Shalini, and I'll be back for more, being privileged as a WW2 evacueee
Backed and high-starred without question, after only Chapter 1
Try "Pompey Chimes" - slightly anterior to "Shirtful".
David Grant

grantdavid wrote 687 days ago

You're right on course here, Shalini, and I'll be back for more, being privileged as a WW2 evacuee
Backed and high-starred without question, after only Chapter 1
Try "Pompey Chimes" - slightly anterior to "Shirtful".
David Grant

nuknuk wrote 714 days ago

Your pitch drew me in and i'm glad it did. It was a great read and I hope it goes far.
Leslie
"Love has no borders"

Wye wrote 744 days ago

I'm pleased to see this book doing so well. It crosses age groups and appeals to all. I am pleased to re-back it and give it its well deserved stars. I would like to watch this as a screen play or a film.
Best of luck
Amelia
A Date in The Diary

CarolinaAl wrote 755 days ago

I read your first four chapters.

General comments: A touching start. Jimmy is a delightful character. Strong visuals. Excellent sense of time and place. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) 'Her clothes and face filthy were with snot and grime ... ' Reverse the order of 'filthy' and 'were.'
2) Where d'you get 'em from?" Put an opening quote mark in front of 'where.'

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) Good end of chapter hook.

Specific comments on the third chapter:
1) "Sorry, Mum," he slithered back ... Period after 'Mum' and capitalize 'he.' The only time the final sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma is when it is followed by a dialogue tag (tells who said something). 'He slithered' is clearly not a dialogue tag, so the final sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a period and the first word of following narrative is capitalized.
2) "Don't cry Mum, I'll look after you." Comma after 'cry.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas.
3) "Eleven kids was enough to send anyone to knackers yard", he'd heard the neighbors gossip. Knackers (plural) should be knackers' (plural possessive). Also, the comma goes inside the final quote mark.

Specific comment on the fourth chapter:
1) 'Jimmy felt a mild fluttering of excitement at this news ... ' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe the feeling so the reader can experience it along with Jimmy. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into your story and 'Jimmy felt' will be implied.
2) 'There were black and white cows and cotton wool sheep ... ' 'Cotton wool' comes from cotton plants, not sheep.
3) "Where are we Jeanie?" he asked. Comma after 'we.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma.

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important first chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire?"

Have a sensational day.

Al

RottenRotty wrote 760 days ago

You should be in the top ten! Glad I could read some of this before I have to pay for it! You are a lovely writer! Backed!

Neville wrote 780 days ago

A Shirtful of Frogs.
By Shalini Boland.

Well, I have really enjoyed the 8 chapters uploaded to the site.
This is an excellent book...don’t know how I ever missed it until now.
The wonderful way that you have switched between the past and present, gives the book an extra interest for the reader...this is one of the best children’s stories that I’ve read on authonomy and there’s many of them which are very good I must say.
You give a graphic account of the atmosphere of Islington years ago.
The time of the bombings and the refugee’s.
The use of the lamp post for cricket, the very old skipping song...really good and authentic.
This is how it was when I was a child although not in London, a great time we had.
The children’s dialogue comes across perfectly for the characters; you have an excellent ability as regards description throughout the book.
I rather liked the following as well :-
...He climbed into bed and smiled at the thought of Jimmy shovelling that huge piece of cake into his mouth. He’d probably get all itchy from the bed crumbs in his bed...
For myself, I loved all what I’ve read and would like to read more should you upload any further chapters.
Very pleased to star rate ‘A Shirt Full of Frogs’ with the highest rating.
It’s only a matter of time for your book to be published, in my opinion.
Will shelve as soon as I can free a space up – number one on my w/l.

Kind regards,

Neville. THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST – THE TIME ZONE.

Peter Edwin Findlay wrote 797 days ago

Just finished chapter six and I'm really enjoying it. The way that the two time-lines are starting to interweave is exciting. Looking forward to seeing where it goes and, if I have one wish, it's that Nathan gets a bit more to do, to push the narrative forward although raiding the fridge was a nice moment. Good luck with it.

Peter Edwin Findlay wrote 797 days ago

Just finished chapter six and I'm really enjoying it. The way that the two time-lines are starting to interweave is exciting. Looking forward to seeing where it goes and, if I have one wish, it's that Nathan gets a bit more to do, to push the narrative forward although raiding the fridge was a nice moment. Good luck with it.

Raymond Terry wrote 812 days ago

I think you will find wide readership for this as your characters are easy to identify with for any age group. When you put up more we shall read that as well as watching this story develop is a delight. Best of luck, RT

NikoleHahn wrote 812 days ago

I don't think you need to separate these sections with the astricks. The flow is nice on chapter 2. I think I'll keep you on to see what happens in chapter 3.

writerwithacause wrote 820 days ago

Shalani,
This looks like an interesting read. Sad story. I would have liked to see more background information about how the mother prepared the children for their sepeartion, This story puts the devastation of war right in our faces. Backed. Lisa

Jacoba wrote 820 days ago

Shalini,
This was a thoroughly enjoyable read, from start to finish. You have brought both the MC to life in such a skilful way. I can tell that you know the voice of young boys really well, and its amazing how well you have captured both their voices given the huge jumps in time.
My mum grew up around London during the War, and often told me stories about hearing the bombing planes at night and how frightening it was. You captured this in the blitz scene beautifully, with the mother crying while the children were almost in between with their excitement and fear.
Coming from a large family myself it was heart wrenching when Jimmy was separated from his family, and left alone with no one. Then at the end of chapter eight, we are left realising, this is probably the least of his problems.
I really loved it. I think you have created a unique and interesting plot that will appeal to not only the YA audience but to adult readers as well. ( Myself included.)
I am not changing my bookshelf until the end of the month, so I will watchlist yours for now, and shelve it in the coming weeks. You are so close to the editors desk, I'd love to see you get a review and get this published.
Best wishes, cheers Jacoba

J.Kinkade wrote 820 days ago

Okay. This is just too good not to back. I'm in. Great writing. I'll give a more thorough review when I'm done.

- Jean Kinkade

Peter Edwin Findlay wrote 820 days ago

Dear Shalini. I've jut read the first two chapters and really loved it. The difference of tone, pace and language between the two time zones was subtle but convincing and the juxtaposition of the giddy, lively 1940s and the washed out, lost present day was strong. A really good start. It might be nice just to flesh Nathan out a little bit more in this second chapter and the cliff-hanger could be stronger but a bold and exciting piece of writing all the same. I am really looking forward to reading more and see how these two very different worlds come together. Thank you.

Frank James wrote 820 days ago

Hi Shalini

I didn't think I was going to feel comfortable with this one, but it just shows how you should follow your instincts. I liked it. Good characters. Good storyline which made for me a very good read. I liked it and when I like a book I give it my BACKING. Good luck with your future writing.

Frank James (The Contractor)

Billie Storm wrote 820 days ago

Hello,
I liked the look of this a lot. I'll have a longer read later. Can't back at mo, but have rated you.
Good luck

Billie

J.Kinkade wrote 820 days ago

Love, love, love this, so far. Just the first chapter--short on time--, but I can tell you have talent. I felt like I was right there with those two cheeky little lads. And the frogs are a great tool to help identify with children. Great dialogue, too.

- Jean Kinkade

chickadeeis wrote 821 days ago

Can't wait to read this! Very piquing synopsis!!