Skeeter Hawk

Saby,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

There are several stylistic jewels that jump here. First the immediacy, there is that eye of the camera effect in the first scene that makes the reader "move with the character".

to quote Sting: "Every breath you take....." lol

The jewel of this narrative however is the premise of the book; a character who is haunted by dreams that could be the history of its ancestors...the idea being that identity is Trans-historic....

.....not the quiet build up over a life time....

......but the accumulation of strings build over generations....

.......a balance between family/ethnic determinism and liberational thinking.....if you like

very Latin American my friend!!!!!

Some of my favorites:

"holla at ya"

"You helped to send....." now, between you and me, I doubt the white folks will understand that one....

"no wander blue is your favorite color" again, I doubt the white folks will get that one.

"meet me at holiday inn..." now that is one of the dam est things a brother could ever say....lol

"I love you Ben....."
that is where the chapter should end
why?
Is a deeply touching moment.
So, ended there...

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

I would have kept the italics for the man in the mirror (see end of my chapter 2 for an example of how it would look). I understand you have 2 internal voices going; the character and the man in the mirror
The question is: do you really need 2 internal voices?
for, since this is a third person narrative you can always preface one with: he thought...., etc...and eliminate any confusion

Some scenes are missing a sense of place:
"The crowd was chanting"
where is the mind picture to set this up?

"he blew his knees..." now you are missing a dramatic moment here: how did this happened?
this matters, be specific, set the scene, etc...

"Like a hot knife going through butter" to crude for a lawyer my friend....lol

"moving cautiously" "a rouse"
I would cut on the labeling of the emotions, instead I would use body language to describe them
why?
because if you label, the reader reads ....the label
if you describe, the reader feels it.

Let me know if that helps,

Overall, wonderful.

david

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A touching start to what is probably a totally captivating story. A memorable main character with real emotions and believable issues. Thought-provoking. Keen observations. Good drama. Good pacing.

Specific comments regarding chapter one:
1) The dream sequence was captivating.
2) 'Her every wish was his command' is cliche.
3) "Come back here and talk to me Ben." Comma after 'me.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are many more cases of this type of problem in your first chapter (and probably in your entire manuscript).
4) 'He looked just like Ben, at 30.' Spell out numbers 1-99.
5) ' ... but the lady I love is walking the runways of Paris,Rome and New York," he sighed. 'He sighed' is not a dialogue tag (tells who said something). It is narrative that tells who did something. Therefore, the last sentence of dialogue should be punctuated with a period and 'he' should be capitalized.
6) "This Man in the Mirror has opened up things that were deeply buried. Put a closed quote mark after 'buried.'
7) The dragonfly metaphor is well done.
8) 'They had nickled and dimed grandmother to death' is cliche.
9) "He'd never been in the bed with a woman that he cared about ... ' 'That' should be 'who.'
10) 'Like a hot knife going through butter' is cliche.
11) "I can't promise you anything on both of your request." 'Request' should be 'requests.'
12) 'Ben had a tormenting secret that involving birthday cakes and candles.' 'Involving' should be 'involved.'

I hope this critique helps you polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Should "Savannah Passion" make the top five next month, I hope you will put it on your shelf (provided it meets your criteria) and keep it there for as long as possible.

Meanwhile, have a spectacular day.

Happy writing.

Al

I went to ch 5. Here are my notes:

Without the previous 4 chs, I 'm working hard to orient myself in the dialogue.

I think I got a sense of the characters and some of the elements of the tension in the story for the opening dialogue.

Interested in the Southern history

The backstory with Grandee Di is compelling. Deep and philosophical

section break

A lot of tension suddenly with the bridge

More tension with the competing women in Ben's life

section break

The inside information makes this an interesting story to read. I'm learning a lot. Things I would otherwise never know. I can stay with Ben for awhile.

I've got a suggestion I'll leave in your messages.

A great read. Ben is an interesting character, obviously successful and for the most part, put together. Still grieving over Melia, he now has a relationship with Shiela, who is overbearing and perhaps not a good fit. I like his encounter with his younger self in the mirror, who tells him it's time for a reality check! Very clever.

An edit may be in order. I spotted a few wrong tenses, but that's an easy fix. Many stars!

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

Any advice I could give in the romance area would be entirely useless but your writing is great and that's what this site is all about so

BACKED

I enjoy your pitch. I believe in the existence of African Juju, of course. I know it could be very deadly. I am already attracted to your story and look forward to reading it.

Backed with pleasure.

Gabriel(It Goes On Forever)

This is extremely well written. A great premise and memorable main character. Original and fascinating. I am happy to back it. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Ben. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing makes your mystery romance a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Dear Saby
wow what a writer...I have started to read your writing and must say that it is compelling. Already you have established your animated characters in my head, ( they are not leaving soon) and i feel strongly to back your book now. I feel sure you
feel like me that it is your baby and you so want to see it succeed. I do wish you all the best in rising and also
getting this book of your published. ( I wish I had half the talent some of you have on this site)
Please take a moment to look, COMMENT which is important to me, and BACK my book. if not that is OK
also
The VERY best of luck to you

BACKED BY ME FOR SURE.
Denise
The Letter

Dear Saby, I love your going home with his daughter story :) - I did that with my daughter & granddaughter. :) Your story really brought back all of those memories :) - I was glad Imade that trip. :) Your pitch prepared me for your hero's closure with his fiance' & prepared me for his future. :) Your crisp dialogue & paragraphs, along with your storyline, moved me right through your story. :) I'm backing it :) - could you please take a moment to back my memoir book? :) Thanks so very much. :) Love, Susie :)

What a refreshing perspective on a man's introspection mid-life and the way he processes grief over a deceased mate! Nice hook with the question about how the old lady knew Ben's name, even though he'd never seen her before.
Good going! Backed yesterday, Marianne (Saint Paddy and the Sundial)

Saby: Interesting short pitch. But I would edit down that long pitch into shorter paragraphs so it reads faster. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. With that said you can edit your pitches and make them better. But the writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

This is an interesting story. You have a good character in Ben. Telling us that he thinks of himself as a dragonfly is clever; it clearly defines his personality and makes him unique. I like the way he thinks about things as he showers and get ready for work; it lets us get inside his head and makes us feel we know him well. Makes a reader want to follow him and see how all of this goes down. I'm adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

You switch tense in the first paragraph. Benjamin ‘got up’ slowly, - past tense, then he acidentaly ‘knocks over’ –present tense - the statue.

As I read on the rest appears to be in past tense. So long as you stick to one or the other all will be fine.
Ha, Swine Flu, - topical!

Some sentences are a bit short, and you need show the reader rather than telling them about the events. For example, when Ben’s in the shower you could use the water, the heat, steam etc to bring his thoughts alive when the tears start to flow.

Ben is an engaging character, but we really need to feel more, live in his skin.

Backing for the great premise and to give this one a bump.

Lorri

This has the makings of a fine story. Ben is an engaging MC and the reader feels for his loss of Melia and his need to find his roots, his anchor in the sea of storms. Will come back when you post more. Noticed one or two typos etc. eg Melia for Melia's: lost for loss. Easily cured with an edit. Jim Darcy Serpent's Blood